Hi, this is Jim Daly. We've enjoyed spending time with you this year, helping strengthen your marriage, your parenting, and your walk with Jesus Christ. If you've been blessed by this ministry, can you pay it forward by donating to Focus on the Family before the end of the year? Thanks to our $8 million match, your giving will have twice the impact. Call 800A Family or donate at focusonthefamily.com/slash family.
If a deduction is important to you for your 2025 income tax return and you're concerned about the recent Postal Service rule change for postmarks, consider making your donation online or giving us a call. And if you understand coming into it what the so called purpose of this evening is, it becomes a lot easier to put the phone down, to focus on your spouse, and to really make a concerted effort to meet them where they're at. That's Jay LaFoon, and he and his wife Laura share about fun date nights for married couples in today's best of 2025 episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller.
John, it can be easy to get wrapped up in the busyness of life and stop investing time in our spouse. But we're going to help you get out of that rut today because your marriage is worth the investment. And I'm always looking forward to some fun ideas for dates with Jean. And taking the time to go on regular date nights may not seem significant, but it's a practical way to put your marriage first and show love to your spouse. And the conversation we're going to hear today was one of our most popular programs of the year.
We heard from so many people who were inspired to go have fun with their spouse, and we wanted to share that with you again. And the guests, as I said, are Jay and Laura LaFoon. They have a lot of joy and energy and some great ideas. They're entertaining and they really spend their time educating and And encouraging couples to strengthen their marriages. They've written a book called The Ultimate Date Night: 52 Amazing Dates for Busy Couples.
Get that book from us here when you call 800, the letter A and the word family. That's 800-232-6459. or click the link in the show notes. Let's go ahead and listen now to this best of 2025 episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Jay and Laura, welcome back.
Great to be here. It's honored to have you. All right, Laura, you're representing all women today. You're at the table with three minutes. It's three to one, which Laura says, okay, that's fair.
I can still win. I can handle it. Why are you two so passionate about married couples doing date nights? What's the benefit? You know, I think we're so passionate about it because it's just something that we've naturally done.
We have a lot of similar hobbies. And so for us, it's never been. A big deal to find stuff to do together. We're always finding new stuff, but One of the things that we do as a part of our ministry is called the ultimate date night. And we travel across the country to churches and communities and do a 90-minute show.
And we would get emails after email after email that would say, Hey, thanks for that date night, but what do we do now? What else can you tell us to go do on a date? And we're like, Why don't we just write a book? Let's just write a book and make it simple for people. For us, it wasn't.
Something that we had to work hard at, but we realize the more we do marriage ministry that This is something people really need. And full disclosure, we have not done every one of these dates.
Some of these dates are people that we know and we know are creative, and we've said, hey, Tell us a couple of the dates that you've been on that you guys got creative with.
So get on the block here, Jay. Come on, step up the pace, buddy. Come on.
Well, that's good. It's like best of practices. Yes. I'll go to you, Laura, once again. What are some examples of date nights?
Just give us a flavor of some things that we can do.
Okay, well, I'm going to give you my favorite, and it's a free date night.
So that's we in the book. Exactly. In the book, we try to do some that are free, some that are a little bit of cost, some that might cost a little more. And we try and in the book, we give you a. Key, if that's the legend, a here's what this means.
And so a dollar sign, no dollar sign, three dollar sign. One of my favorites is free, and this actually came from a friend of ours. They are a married couple that have five children. all very young. And so date nights were very difficult for them to we you have to get a babysitter, that's going to cost.
And we have to go well, we go to dinner, that's going to cost. And so what they would do is they put all the kids to bed And he has a pickup truck. They would back the pickup truck out into the driveway. They'd put two camp chairs in the back of the pickup truck. They'd turn on their music and they would sit and watch the stars and have conversation.
And they said they could sit and do that for hours. I'm like, what a great idea. We do that again without even thinking, especially coming from Michigan in the middle of summer. We sit on our patio and just talk for hours. And it's a great date.
It doesn't cost. Yeah. And everything we're going to point to is all the good things you can do. But I got to ask Jay this question. Come on, give me a date night gone wrong.
A date night gone wrong. Oh, I can't. I can think of it.
Okay, this is what I want. This is where we really live.
So Laura's turning 40.
Okay, not anytime soon here, but a while back. This is a while back. Let's make it. And I'm like. I we've got this spa.
That is 20 minutes from our house. I said, let's get, I thought to myself, I'm gonna get her a couple's massage. Because that wouldn't that just be so much fun.
Now, I'm picturing we're laying side by side, talking, talking.
Well Forgetting also that my wife grew up in the South And lives in a box. And unless you're invited in that box, She does not want to be touched. In other words, she's not a big huggy person.
Okay, right. And we pull up to the spot. She's like, what are we doing?
So we're going to eat a couple of spas. For my birthday. I said, Yeah. I said, I know it was very expensive, but you know, I just thought it'd be great. She's like, You know, I don't like to be touched.
You're getting me a massage. And right then, I'm just like, Oh my goodness. No, I'm with you. Gene's thing is just being in the same room if we were to do that. She's like, I don't want, I want to sleep.
I want to, you know. And that's what happened.
So I'm thinking, couples massage. We get in there, we're sitting, we've got our robes on, and this lovely young lady comes in and says, Laura, I'll take you. And so I'm like, what, what? And then Sven walks in. And I mean, he's literally 6'2, built like best massage of your life.
No, no, no. It was painful. Yeah, that's what I mean. He worked out all of it. And I didn't like it.
I get out, I'm going, I said to the Lord, I'm never doing that again. She came out and she goes, That was wonderful. Oh, so that's good. It had elements of pain and it sounds like a little trick on you. Yes, you never know what the Lord's up to.
Yeah, we put it up. You never know what your wife is up to. I'm going into that parking lot, and I'm like, We're doing what? Yes. For my birthday?
Seriously, you could have just taken me to a mall and given me a credit card, and I would have been fine. I'm going to let you redeem yourself, Jay, because you also had one in there about snuggling in front of a fire and that being the date night. Describe that one. That sounded like a home run. You know, sometimes the simplest things speak the most.
My wife's love language is quality time. And so anytime Especially when we had kids, if I could arrange for the kids to be either at Friends' house or Grandma and Grandpa's house, and it's just the two of us, you know, we would snuggle in front of the fire.
Now, again, true confession, we do not have a real fireplace, but we have a thing that resembles a fire. And I also know that on Netflix, you can get a fire on your TV, and it even crackles. And it even crackles. But just, you know, sitting there with no intention other than to be with her. And to, you know, talk about what she wants to talk about.
Sometimes we would do puzzles or play card games. I mean, it doesn't have to be like you just sit and. Snuggle. Snuggle. Because we just said, I don't like to be touched, but that's okay.
But you know, it's figuring out what your spouse. Desires. And it's not need, it's desire. And I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that she desires to have quality time with me. It's not an evil desire.
So, what does she desire?
So, let's make that happen. And that's what these dates are about. That's good. I'll never forget, we're doing a date night in Ohio, rural Ohio, and we were in a cafeterium.
So it was their cafeteria and auditorium all in one. Yeah, yeah. Caffeymatorium.
So it was also their gym. Kaffigymatorium. And there was this old couple. They were sitting under a can light.
So I watched them the whole time. They had to be in their 80s. And they were just embracing each other. And after they came to buy some books and they said Young man? I said, yes.
You let need to let all these young people know. What you did to get your spouse is what you need to do to keep your spouse. Oh, that's good. That is gold. And so that's the dating thing.
You dated, you spent money. You did things. You talked. Yes. That's what that says.
That's a big one. Used to talk to me a lot more when we were dating. Has anybody ever heard that? Oh, yeah. Let me ask this again for younger couples who might be.
captive to screens. I mean how many restaurants that Gene and I have gone to And we're really good about putting phones away when we're having dinner. If it's at home, same thing. If we're at a restaurant, the same thing. But you look around the restaurant.
I mean, families of three, four, five. They're all looking at their screens. Nobody's talking. And so speak to that. need to put that away.
It's funny because it's not a date night. No, it's not. I believe it was. I can't remember who did this study, but they said the average American couple spends four minutes a day alone together. And they qualified that by.
Saying No screens.
So alone means no screens. Four minutes a day. Wow. That's frightening because it just communication is so hard to begin with. And when you're not spending any time doing it, it complicates matters.
Right.
So there are a couple of things in the book I'd like to ask about because I get that, and I think we're pretty good about that. But purpose. You mentioned that dates should have purpose, which seems kind of Counter to just hanging out and serving my spouse.
So, how do I inject some purpose into a date where I'm trying to give them what they're desiring, to Jay's point?
Well, I think that is what the purpose is. The purpose of whatever the date is.
Well, first of all, when we first started floating ideas out there to people, you know, when they would email, and I'd go, Well, what about if you do this or do this? The response 99% of the time was, but I don't like to do that. I don't like to, I don't like to go for walks. I don't like to go for bike rides. That would be Jay.
I would love to go for a bike ride. He, well, You know, the purpose is to just be together.
So often, and I think Jim said this in the beginning, we are so busy. That we neglect connecting. We neglect that time because we think, you know, when the kids are grown and our jobs have settled in and blah, then we'll still be there. If you haven't built into this relationship, You're not still going to be there 15 years down the road, you know, when the kids are gone. Let me ask you this because temperaments are so critical.
You know, we tend to marry people that are opposite. Not everybody. I don't mean to overgeneralize, but let me just overgeneralize. You know, Gene and I, I'm extrovert, she's introvert. She loves communication, deep communication.
She's the person that walks into a big room and she'd like to be with three people and really get to know them. That is like, oh my goodness. How could you do that? I want to say hi to all 150 people. I really don't want to know much about you.
Other than this is fun, isn't it? It's fun to be here. Good to see you. Bye.
Okay. You know, so that's just the illustration at its extreme. But when you're in this context of a date night, you know, you do have people that have bents. You know, you have people that are deep inward thinkers that are numbers people. They're not given to outward communication.
They're trying to figure out what you're thinking.
So, how do you, as a couple, improve that communication with that goal in mind with someone who is not that talkative, might be more introverted, husband or wife? How do you recognize that? Because you're trying to help them out of a hole in the communication. Right.
That's a great question. And I think one of the things that we've always come back to is because Laura loves to shop. And early in our marriage, I would literally go shopping. I'm not sure. I don't have to buy.
I just like to shop. That's even worse. She doesn't have to buy. Why would you be shopping without the goal of buying? But I detested it.
I couldn't stand it. And so I would make life miserable on those Saturdays. We would go to the mall. And finally, someone said to me, Jay, why are you doing this? Because.
It's important to Laura. This is something she enjoys. Why would you do that? And I began to change slowly. To see the joy that she found and in the way that she was wired.
And so do I enjoy shopping? No, but I enjoy watching her. Enjoy that. And as far as helping someone Change their temperament. I don't know that we can.
Well, you can't change them, but it's how to encourage them to come out of that show.
Well, to just again, true confession, I'm an introvert.
Okay. And we were talking before the show about our little neighborhood parties. Yes. I can't stand them. I'm like, Laura.
Don't make me go. Please, please, just let me stay home and watch football. But this last one we had, I got in the car when we were done and I said, that was really fun. Thanks for making me go. And it was, you know, so sometimes we do these things to stretch our spouse a little out of their comfort zone.
And when we do that, and we do that gently, because she did it very gently, but she's like, Jay, these are our neighbors. We got to love them. We've got to, you know, show them Jesus because a lot of them don't know Jesus. I love your attitude. That's great.
Okay, got to show them Jesus. Got to show them Jesus.
Okay, Laura, let's go. It's like taking your kids to church on Sunday morning when they've been screaming and yelling. We're going to go learn about the love of Jesus. Get in the car. That's right.
Argue all the way to church. That's for sure.
Well, I don't know how long you've been married, but if you're married, you can probably relate to some of what we're talking about today with Jay and Laura LaFoon. Get a copy of this terrific little resource that they have: Ultimate Date Night, 52 Amazing Dates for Busy Couples. You're going to find all sorts of great ideas here and some underlying principles to help grow as a couple. And we have copies of the book here. Details are in the show notes or give us a call.
800A Family. You know, we have a growing number of listeners, which is great, that have younger children in the home. And that, for Gene and I, just out of our own experience with Trent and Troy when they were younger, it was hard to do a date night. I mean, you said earlier, the babysitter thing and all that. Speak.
Specifically to that phase in life. And, you know, sometimes we can kick ourselves that we're, okay, we haven't done date night in two weeks, three weeks, whatever it might be. And then you load guilt on top of a really busy schedule. That's not the goal here. The goal is to just get into a rhythm.
That you can get out and do this because it's really healthy for you. Yes, it is. And we highly recommend grandparents. As grandparents, we highly recommend grandparents. But we also encourage couples, especially if you're involved in a church or maybe you're involved in a small group with couples who are in the same walk of life.
Okay. You can share. Child care. And what I mean is, Jay and I are going to go out this weekend, and hey, can you guys take our kids Friday night? Yeah, that's correct.
And then we'll take your kids next Friday night. Sharing that responsibility, sharing that, then you give everybody a chance to have a date night. It doesn't cost you anything. It just, other than you have somebody else's kids in your home. But sometimes that could be a good thing because it keeps your kids entertained.
But it is important. In that young married young kids, because the kids demand so much of your time, and your jobs demand your time, and just life demands so much of time to have that. Our again, that's why we have so many in the book of free dates, things that you can do that don't cost a lot of money.
So that if you do need to spend the money on child care, you can spend the money on child care and then just go for a walk. I could just see the husband looking through the book going with a little highlighter, this one, page four, this one, all the free dates. Don't do that. Occasionally spend some money.
Well, related to that, there are special occasions. And it feels like there's a lot of stress and pressure on these special occasions. In fact, we went to a marriage getaway one time and we had one of the worst fights ever in our marriage. It was like, I think it was because of the expectations and the stress of young kids in the home.
So talk a little bit about how we can kind of let go of those expectations and maybe appropriately celebrate your marriage.
Well, I think there are times. I mean, we do our Celebrate Your Marriage Conference and we have people who come to celebrate their 10th, 15th, 25th wedding anniversary. It's a big deal. But I think that there are times when you go, you know what? This is something to celebrate.
Forty years is something to celebrate. But let's try and celebrate it in a little more Calmer.
Well, I mean, Laura guys are good friends with Gary Thomas, the author. Oh, yeah. Good friend of ours. And one of my favorite quotes from Gary is: The problem with marriage is we expect too much from it. Yeah.
That's right. And I think that sometimes we build all these expectations up. And no, you know, Laura did not marry Jesus Jr. I mean, I am a human being with flaws. But you're so close.
You know, but what? Yeah. But so you're going to disappoint. You're going to have those moments where our expectations are unmet. But as loving couples, We need to nurture and encourage each other during those times that you know, this wasn't quite what we expected, but let's look at the good things that came out of it.
But I do think there's also times for anticipation when you do have a big, you know, 10, 15, 20, 25, anticipating those, you know, not the day before, but thinking about it as it's coming up and what can you do that would be fun. But try and eliminate the stress. Let's also educate young couples when your wife says, I don't need anything. I don't want anything. Can you believe I took the bait?
Oh, I think I'm still paying for that. It just happened to you. You know, it was like the fourth or fifth, I don't know, some early anniversary. The problem is for us men, if we say I don't need anything, guess what? We may need it yet.
But yeah, that's not what she's saying. You're trying to alleviate your guilt and stress, but think of something. Just think of something. Only yet to add more to the guilt. You thought I didn't want anything?
This is a trap. You said that. You know, one of the things, too, you know, oftentimes a date night can turn into a business meeting. And we've got to be really careful. We've talked a lot about what types of date nights to have through your great book, Ultimate Date Night, 52 Amazing Dates for Busy Couples.
Now let's talk about the content of the date night. You don't talk budget. You don't talk about problem with the kids. Don't talk about the in-laws and where you're going to go for Thanksgiving or Christmas. This is time to be more intimate.
Right.
Well, and this is why some of these are so good because you're so active in the date that we've got that you can't really be talking. You know, for example, one of my favorites is called The Treasure Hunt. And most people don't know there's a thing called geocaching, which you can download an app on your phone and you can go out and find these little treasures.
Well, while you're doing that, you're going to have some conversation, but you're not going to be conversating about the kids or about business. Another one where you're probably not going to be talking about kids is when you go axe-throwing together. You know, I haven't tried that one. That's enough if you're not on good terms in that moment. I don't think that would be a great wire trust.
I'm so sorry, honey, it slipped. That's right. But, you know, I mean, there's certain activities that are just going to. Uh Lend themselves to not having conversations. Yeah, I want to put a caveat even on that because there was a time when we were having a date and Dina was talking about the kids.
And I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want to talk about the kids right now. And she looked at me and she said, that's what's on my heart right now. And I realized, okay, I can't be like black and white about this. If that's really where she's at, I'm not going to, we're not going to score points by saying, nope, nope, nope.
So we have to be sensitive, don't we? That's very true. But also, we're big proponents of encouraging couples to spend 15 minutes every day in uninterrupted conversation.
So kids are in bed before the kids wake up, whenever it is, just look at each other eyeball to eyeball and have conversation. And that's where those conversations happen. That's where you plan the next Christmas, the vacation, you talk about the kids, what's going on. Then when you go on your date nights, that need has already been met. And if you can build that habit, then when you go on a date, you can be more intentional about being with each other and talking about your marriage and the Those types of hackings.
And that's a good reminder. The other thing you can fall into is that feeling like this is a box you check. Yes. Maybe men would fall into that trap a little bit more.
Okay, I'm doing it. What more do you want from me? Dinner in a movie. Dinner in a movie. Check the box.
Wasn't that a good movie? Did you like the movie? Good. I've been intimate now emotionally. I mean, seriously.
You know, and so you have to have the not the letter of the law about date night, but the heart and the spirit of it. You got to aim for that. Right.
And again, some people will struggle with that just naturally. It's not because they're bad people. Right.
It's just my head's not there. How do you, how do you get your head there and get your head in the game? Right.
I think you have to really take a conscious look at what is the purpose of this date. We didn't do this specifically, but we've kind of, there's two different types of dates: there's romantic dates. And there's adventure dates. And some are more romantic, some are less romantic, some are more adventuresome, some are less adventuresome. But if you go into there knowing, you know, we love to whitewater raft.
Well, that's not going to be a romantic date. You know, that's going to be an adventure date, but we both love it, so let's go do it. As opposed to, we also like fine dining. That's going to be a romantic date. And if you understand coming into it what the so called purpose of this evening is, it becomes a lot easier to put the phone down, to focus on your spouse, and to really make a concerted effort.
To meet them where they're at.
So, really, again, what you're talking about is setting expectations, that's what that is, as to what the date night is about, and do that probably. A little bit gently in some cases, and other times pretty forthrightly. I mean, that again, with black and white thinkers, that's really helpful. They actually like that. My wife's a biochemistry person.
She always wants me to say chemistry. Isn't that funny right there? She took biology classes, but no, it's not biochemistry, it's chemistry.
Okay, sorry. She's a chemistry person. But I mean, that is a black and white thinker, you know. She does measurements very carefully, making pancakes, all that kind of thing. And I need to.
be more explicit. About these things and be plain spoken, and that helps her.
Sometimes I don't want to be, I want a more elusive kind of idea. You want to be spontaneous. Oh my goodness. That's the problem that she doesn't manage spontaneity, and I don't manage straightforwardness.
So it's just one of the things that we do. I don't think that's uncommon. I think that's a lot of people because I want a plan. I mean, I want a plan, and I don't want to deviate from the plan. Whereas Laura's like.
Whatever. Exactly. Yeah, I like that. One of the key things in these moments, and again, this is a great attribute of my wife, Jean. She loves a spiritual element.
We've talked pretty much the whole time, where's God in all this? And how do we, as Christians, how do we honor him and invite him into this in a way that, you know, it makes sense. It's not. concocted. It's real.
Every good and pleasing gift comes from the Lord. And I think when we realize that our spouse is that good and pleasing gift. and we're we're honored to be able to be with them. One of the things that we've tried to do with most of the dates Is to have a, because I'm a preacher at heart, according to my wife, is to have a spiritual tone to it. You know what is and again, like with the axe straw, iron sharpens iron.
Well, honey, I'm sorry. That's a funny one. Bing! Oh, honey, sorry. Iron day, iron sharpens iron.
Or the geocaching, finding treasure. And you know, we're in clay pots, but we're a treasure in a clay pot. And so trying to. That's what these date nights for, those that are not necessarily Bent on the spiritual side of life. This is just a gentle nudge towards how you can bring God into the date.
Yes, and so in the book, we do have some. Helpful hints for discussion that points you towards spiritual things, towards God, place that you can journal if you're that type of person. Here's what we did, here's what we talked about, you know, those kinds of things. If you want to keep that, I'm more the journaler than Jay is, but. But yeah, that's that definitely God has brought you together for a reason.
And so God is a part of this union. And we want to make sure that you steer your dates that direction. And scripture is clear. I mean, Song of Solomon is basically one big date. You know, they're pursuing one another.
And that's what dating is about, is pursuing one another in a way that garners that romance, that garners those feelings that we first had when we were married. A little bit cultural difference, you know. You remind me of a great goat or a pomegranate or whatever, right? You got to kind of go with the cultural difference. It's also the goat's teeth, I think, where involved.
The goat's teeth, the goat's hair. Don't try that one. It doesn't work today. What a fun conversation with Jay and Laura. And I hope that you have renewed energy to invest in your marriage because a thriving marriage is the foundation of a thriving family.
At Focus on the Family, we want to provide biblical resources to equip you and inspire you.
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On behalf of the entire team, thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back next time as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. The story of the prodigal son is one of the most powerful depictions of God's grace and unconditional love.
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