Hi, I'm Jim Daly. In summertime, giving to focus on the family slows down, but families in crisis still need your support. As we face a bit of a shortfall right now, we need your help to save marriages through Hope Restored, offer dignity, comfort, and hope to children in foster care through Wait No More, and provide biblical resources for families. Your gift by August 31st will make a real difference and offer lasting hope. Visit focusonthefamily.com slash support families.
Can I have a hot dog? She goes, Yeah, would you like anything on that? I said, well, what do you got? She goes, well, you can get mustard or nothing. Or both.
Well, give me both. I'll see you pull that one off. There's some interesting logic going on there. And we have more observational humor from Ken Kingdon today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. We're glad you're with us.
I'm John Fuller.
Well, John, life can be heavy, especially lately. And the Bible tells us that a joyful heart is good medicine.
So, we want to share that prescription on today's broadcast. Our guest is one of my favorite clean comedians, Ken Kington. And Ken has been featured on Comedy Central and countless media outlets. And the last message we aired from him made our top 10 list for 2020. Yeah, he always makes me laugh out loud.
And with that, let's go ahead and listen in to Ken Kington on today's episode of Focus on the Family. I'm also glad to be here. Have you ever had one of those trips where things didn't go right? Four hours late, my flight, and I get in the rental car, and I'm flying down the road because I'm already late, and I've I'm getting dressed on the interstate while I'm driving. Which is not a good combination, and then I realize I've forgotten.
I've forgotten, so I call my wife, and I'm like, Honey, I forgot, I forgot, I forgot. She goes, Where'd you forget this time? I said, I forgot socks. She goes, well, calm down, Sparky. They sell these in stores.
My gad, but you don't understand. I don't have time. I'm late already, and I don't know where the shoe stores are. I just need a fire. You got it, money.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Not socks. She goes, Well, calm down.
Okay, okay, okay. I think drugstores carry socks to them. Show there's one on the way. Try a drugstore. Good news: drugstores carry dress socks.
Bad news. Drugstores only carry women's dress socks. Good news. They're really comfortable. And I'm sitting there.
Do I get them? Do I not get them? Do I get them? I don't know how many times. Do I get them?
Do I saw a one-size-fits-all? And I know some women with some pretty honking feet, okay?
So I. I grabbed them and I actually wore them. Here they are.
Okay, I want you to see these.
Alright, yeah. Oh yeah. Woo! Woo! But I love the fact that my wife always has the answer.
She is the smartest woman I've ever met. Literally, the smartest, not only just beautiful, but smart. She would tell me how she was in advanced classes. Tell her how I was in special quasis. She used to get paid for her grades.
Anyone here ever get paid for your grades? Did you really? That's incredible. How many of you like me two days before report cards practiced forging your parents' signature?
Okay, yes, these are my people. My wife actually said this about a year after we were married. She goes, I don't know if I've ever told you this or not, but. kindergarten through college, I only made one B. I was like.
Me too. Because it's not easy. It's not easy. They almost said this one thing: because everybody has a glitch, and as beautiful as my wife is, as smart as my wife is, as intimidating as is, she has a glitch. And her glitch is something we call isms, Heather isms, because she says phrases that really don't make sense.
Except to her. We were talking with some friends the other day. She's saying what a great friend she is. She says, I am a great friend. I am as loyal as a heart attack.
I don't think I want you to be my friend. And she gets it honestly. We're playing a game with her parents the other night. Her dad, after a move, says, hey, whatever, turns your boat. Would that be a rudder?
Now, the great part is they usually pop up when we're having an argument, and they're just over. They're just over at that point. I'll give you an example. We were talking about our checkbook one day and going back and forth. She goes, Well, you can't milk a dead horse.
How do you argue with that? She caught me in something one time. She goes, You are treading in hot water. Mm-hmm. I said, honey, I can be treading on thin ice or I can be in hot water, but if I'm treading in hot water, That's a jacuzzi.
Don't really mind being there.
Now, I love this. She plays bunko with some of our neighbors in the neighborhood. Do you guys know what bunko is? It's a game, and it's a Greek word that stands for gossip while holding dice.
Okay, that's. That's what it means. And she came back one day and she goes, Oh, I said, How did it go? Who was there? And she's telling me about it.
And she goes, You know, I just needed that time with those other ladies. It's such a wonderful day. bondage experience. I don't think you can go back. One of my favorites, I was out in California on tour.
I called her, I said, hey honey, I said, I can't wait to get home. She goes, when are you coming home? I said, I land tomorrow afternoon. She goes, oh, I said, yeah, I got the first flight out in the morning. She goes, oh man, you couldn't catch the Jedi flight?
Yeah, I don't think. doing that one anymore. Kinda hard to find a good Wookiee these days. And I mean, this comes out of a fundamental level of her being. We discovered this about three weeks ago, coming back from spring break.
She's in the back seat trying to get our two-year-old daughter to go to sleep in her car seat, and she sings. Jeez. Jesus loves me this I know For the Bible tells me so. Up above. Yeah.
Like a dinner in the sky. Then she looks at me and she goes, what's the next line? I said QRS. And she's not alone. I love that people have started riding these in and sending them to me.
A buddy of mine calls me this past week. He's like, my boss in our meeting, he says, you know what, we got a busy corner ahead of us, but let's not get the chicken in front of the horse. Yeah. Okay. I did a state fair in Missouri, they said, go get something to eat at the hospitality tent.
And this poor girl must have been in the sun too long. I said, hi, what do you got? She goes, hamburgers and hot dogs. I said, can I have a hot dog? She goes, yeah, would you like anything on that?
I said, well, what do you got? She goes, well, you can get mustard or nothing. Or both.
Well, give me both. I wanna see you pull that one off. And they're all around in their house. Happening around me too because I went in to wake up my son the other day for school. My oldest son loves school.
I said, Graham, are you ready for school? He goes, Dad. I'm happy as a muffin. You've been hanging out with mom, haven't you? I love being a husband.
I love being a dad. I really do. But there's certain parts of being a dad that don't make sense. I have no money. I make money, I just don't have money.
My daughter and me are different. I have a duct tape wallet. I'm not making this up. This is my wallet. It is made of duct tape.
From a camp two years old and two years ago from my boys. My daughter, who has never had a job and has no money, has five purses. That only makes sense if you're a dad. I go to the ATM. I go to deposit a check.
I let my son, I said, punch in the secret code, punch in the amount, punch in deposit. And he said, no, put the envelope in and he puts it in and he goes. I said, what? He said, where's the money? I said, it's a deposit.
We just put the deposit in. He goes, Mom always gets money. Yes. That is the way it works. My wife got a part-time job.
She's done very well. We have our money and her money. Her money and our money. I still have no money. It's amazing to me the way that works.
And over time I got to thinking, you know what, there's got to be something to this. There's got to be something to this, and it's about being a dad. See, being a dad, things happen, and I want to know from some of you who have been a dad for a while when these things happen. Because I started noticing some of them in me and I'm I'm scared because I've seen some of you. My dad used to give me a hard time about having long hair.
I had a big gaffro when I was a kid, long hair. And I felt bad about it until I saw him go swimming. Might have had a very short hair except for this thing on top and when it got wet, Yeah. Have you seen these, these comb over things? They grow at like eight feet long.
I was at the bank the other day in line behind a guy. He had a part right here. I wanted so badly for him to turn around so I could go. See what would happen. I'm going to give away a secret that you're going to get kicked out of the man club for this.
If your husband is a dad and you ever want him to stop doing something that's irritating, whether it's something he says, he wears, or he does, here's how you end it. All you gotta do is next time he says it, does it, or wears it, you just go, that is so neat. And he'll say, What? And then you repeat whatever it is he said, did, or were, and then you add the words: that is just like your dad. He will never say it, he will never wear it, he will never do it again.
We're enjoying listening to Ken Kington today on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly, and we want to encourage you with almost four hours of clean comedy. in a free set of audio downloads. You'll get this message from Ken, plus more humor from some of our favorite comedians. Request the Focus on the Family comedy collection when you follow the link in the show notes. Let's return now to more from Ken Kington.
You can tell how old a tree is by how many rings it has. You can tell how old a man is by how high his waistline is. This is junior high. And then you get up to around high school, then college. And then at some point in time, that just crawls up there.
My dad meets me at the door like this now. He'll go, you got a little spare tire on there, son. Spare tire, not me. I wear the same waist size I wore in high school. Like gad dad, but I never have the problem getting underarm deodorant on my waistband.
That never happens to me. Never happened. And what gets me is that I mean, I look at some of these guys, and they got their shorts up and their hair swooped, wearing dark socks with flip-flops. And at some time they looked in the mirror and went, oh, this looks good. When does that happen?
But it's amazing to me that, you know, in time, Not only do I see that as a dad, but life can get difficult. can just be hard sometimes. I was flying from Corpus Christi, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona. Geography on this. Texas to Arizona.
I get to the airport at 5:45 in the morning. I go, Yeah, I'm flying to Phoenix. And they go, Oh, I'm sorry, your flight's been canceled. There was a winter storm in Atlanta. He says, but good news, we've rebooked you.
We'll have you there tonight at 9.30. And I said, Is there another flight? He's like, Oh, no, that's the best we can do. I'm like, That's the best you can do? I said, it's 5.50 in the morning.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's the best we can do. That's the best you can do? I said, you're telling me from right now, 5.50 in the morning, until tonight at 9.30, there's only one airplane leaving from this region of the country flying to Phoenix, Arizona? And he says, well, of course not. I said, okay, let's start there.
and work backwards. Many types.
Well, you probably won't want to do this, but I can tell you from Corpus Houston, Houston, Salt Lake, Salt Lake, Phoenix, and you can be there by 4:30. I'm like, do that. And he says, okay, I said, do I need to take my bag? No, we'll take care of it. It was going great until I got to Salt Lake City.
I thought I had two hours, but I didn't because I heard my name over the loudspeaker. Ten kingdoms is important to get E18 immediately, ten kingdom E18. I'm like I took off running. I get to gate and I'm like, I'm behind Kenda. Is the flight still here?
Is it like, oh yeah, it's not for another hour and a half. I'm like. We called my name, they're like, oh, are you can? I'm like, yeah. And they're like, you need to talk to those guys.
Two ramp workers, the knee pads and the headphones, and I said, Hi. Ken Kington, there's something I can help you with. They're like, oh. Do you want to tell him or do you want me to tell him? I said, tell me what?
They said, I don't know how to tell you this, but you're. Your bag, uh It didn't make it. And I fly 200 flights a year. That happens a couple times a year. And I said, Well, did it not make it from Corpus to Houston or Houston to here?
And they both looked at them, um. Uh no, it got here? But it didn't make it. I said, I'm so sorry, I'm not following you. I'm so sorry.
I'm a little slow, and I was in special class, you know, so I'm just. And he says, Well, see, there was a roller accident. Your bag is gone. We think we saved most of what was inside of it, but your bag is gone. Yeah.
I said, can I see it? And they both went. Yeah. I said, I can't see it. And they said, the biggest piece is about this big.
And sure enough, when I finally got my stuff, it had exploded on the tarmac. There were airplane wheel marks across my clothes. I said, well Okay, I said, well, is there a reason why you come? And they said, yeah, we're putting it in a temporary container. We just want to let you know you can make a claim when you get to Phoenix.
I'm like. Okay. And they said, Well, you're taking this pretty well. I'm like, Well, you know, is there anything I can do? Like, no, but you know, it was a flight on time, yeah.
So I get to Phoenix. And I'm sitting there with the baggage claim.
Now, it's not like Atlanta where it comes out of the bottom or out the sides at most airports. In Phoenix, there's two that come out of the ceiling and they come down. And I'm standing there with about 80 people when it dawns on me as the luggage begins to come down. I have no idea what I'm looking for. I figure I'll just wait.
And then it became painfully obvious what I was looking for. I want you to picture the largest garbage bag you have ever seen. And the reason I knew it was mine is because it was clear. Clear. Yeah.
Here comes my shoes and my underwear. Yeah. So now I'm gonna let everybody leave before I leave. And that didn't work. People are taking their luggage and then watching this thing go around, you know?
Look like some hobo Santa Claus walking through the airport. But you know what? Life happens like that. And I need help, and people need help, and we need each other, and we need help. And I wish there were signs for help, but there's not.
There's signs for everything else, but not for things that matter. I was in Orlando, Florida. If you're ever down there looking at I-4, in the median on I-4 in Orlando, Florida, they have a sign. They have paid hundreds of dollars to put this sign up. Do not move.
Mo. Apparently, there's some renegade landscapers. In Florida. Driving around, gonna lay bubba. Have you seen the cops?
Break out the John Deere. Subscribe! And they're dumbing down signs. They used to have a sign, Deer Crossing. Do you remember that one?
And they changed it to get on the Christmas theme, dear X-ing. Apparently that was too hard, so now it's just a picture of a deer. I shared that in Ohio. This guy came up and he goes, I can't believe you said that. He says, my wife hit a deer less than 100 yards from one of those signs last week.
And I was like, dude, I'm so sorry. He's like, no, no, no, that's not what I'm telling you. He says, they called me. I went out. She was okay, and I couldn't help it.
I said, honey. Did you not see the sign? Yeah. Her response. I never thought they'd come from the other way.
You're gonna need to give me the keys. And the signs they could do pictures for, they don't. Boom. A bone. Or a dip.
Yeah. Oh no, they spell those out.
Now I just wonder what the poor foreign drivers in our country are doing when that comes up, you know? Hey Franz, Franz, this sign, come up here. What does this sign mean here? I didn't design me in bomb.
Now, I talked to a friend of mine at DOT. I said, how much are those signs? He says, they're like $300 to $500 to make them. That costs a crew anywhere from $300 to $500 to put them in. Here's my idea.
Why not just take the $1,300? and fix the bomb. Maybe it's just me. Oh, this is one of my favorites. We went to Maui for our 10-year anniversary.
We're on the road to Lahaina, beautiful mountains and the cliffs and the water, and we're pulling up to where the mountain goes into the ocean. And there's a tunnel 10 feet in front of the tunnel. Ten feet in front of the tunnel, there is a sign with one word, and all it says is Tunnel. Tunnel. Who is struggling with this?
Who is driving going? Oh, yeah. There's a hole in the mountain! There's a hole! Oh!
It's a tunnel! I didn't see the sign! It's a tunnel! Who knew? It's just not right.
It's not right. And then I got to thinking in my life, you know, there's times where I think, you know what? I don't get it. Being a dad, I don't get it. And it's becoming more confusing.
Used to be able to just dress, jeans and khakis, you're fine. And I used to be able to do events where I just say, hey, it's either dressy or casual.
Now it's like confused. Say business casual. What does that mean anymore? Used to mean no tie, then no tie-ino coat, then no tie-ino coat, maybe khakis, then no tie-ino coat, maybe khakis, maybe jeans, maybe t-shirt.
Now it's t-shirt, short, flip-flops. It's gonna be a speed-o pretty soon, is what it's gonna be. Honey, where's my loincloth? Casual day. I mean, it's confusing, but I love my life.
I love it. And I had an epiphany, a moment where it just all came together. This past summer, we were coming back from vacation. 10 minutes packed up and we're going 10 minutes come to a red light. I look out the window.
There's a brand new pickup truck right next to me. I'm like, aww. And then I looked in the back, there's a beautiful golden retriever with a head out the window. I'm like, whoa, cool dog. And in the back, brand new Harley-Davidson Chrome package.
The guy looked over, I'm just like, 'Cause that's what we do, you know. And he looked over at me and he kind of back and kind of laughed. And I was like, what is he laughing at? And then it dawned on me. I'm in a minivan.
It is impossible to look cool in a minivan. And I'm not buying really cool toys for thousands of dollars. I'm spending hundreds of dollars on things you don't call your friends about. I don't go, hey, Rob, come over. I've got a new water heater.
No, we'll wash our hands. It'll be great. You don't do that. And I'm just so I started to distract myself. I kind of fiddled with the mirror and I saw it.
I saw something I have never seen before in my life. on the top of my ear. There is a hair. Growing straight out. It's like this long!
That's not the bad part. I looked at my wife. I said, Heather, look at this. Her response! Oh yeah, I saw that the other day.
What? You thought I wanted that? Brayden, would the others make a little ponytail or something? That was interrupted by my two boys in the back fighting over who gets to pick the movie and who gets the electronic Ridland. That was interrupted by them going, Daddy Kennedy smells bad.
And sure enough, the smell waves forward and I'm thinking Ten minutes. We've been on the road 10 minutes. Why not 10 minutes ago? Why not 10 minutes from now? And if you were a dad, you knew what I was doing.
I'm calculating. How far can I go? Focused without having to stop before the smell burns my eyes shut. That is interrupted by my dog discovering the other dog and beginning to barking at that dog. I call him a dog.
I wanted a dog. My wife said, let's get a dog. And I'm like, yeah. I'm thinking German Shepherd don't want to do it. We have a 12-year-old four and a half pound Yorkshire Terrier.
It's like having a barking hamster. The only thing dog-size on my dog is his tongue. If you took a German Shepherd tongue, grafted it to a gerbil, that's what I've got. He falls asleep. The drill spot is bigger than he is.
Yeah. And the light turned green. And we begin to go. And as we drove off, it was as if this voice came to my head, Ken, if you could switch right now, if you could choose, if you could choose right now, you could choose the new truck and the new dog and the cool motorcycle, or you can keep the minivan. and the wife that leaves you hanging and the kids in the back of the smell of the Berking hamster.
Yeah. Which do you want? I gotta tell you, 10 times out of 10, I would choose the minim. Because I have found more joy and more purpose and more fulfillment and more comedy material in the Hmm, And that is why the greatest joy of my life. And what I do is because I am a dad.
God bless you and thank you for coming tonight.
Well, what a great ending and a profound thought from our guest, Mr. Ken Kington, on today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. John, I love that image there with Ken's wife, the kids, and the dog in the minivan because that's the essence of family, right? And it's messy and chaotic, but in the midst of that, parents are shaping the next generation. They're soaking it all up.
The future sharers of the gospel and the future voters of our nation. It's a critically important job because without families, nations crumble. And we've seen that in history time and time again. And here at Focus on the Family, we're working hard to help families to thrive in Christ. We want to help you in your marriage and give you the tools you need to have a great partnership together.
And we want to help you in your role as a parent. And we have great resources for every agency. Stage of a child's life. Most importantly, we want to make sure that you know the creator of the family, and that's our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. That's our mission in a nutshell.
There's the elevator speech.
So, if you believe in those values, let me encourage you to join us as a monthly sustainer, a partner with this ministry. We're a nonprofit organization, and we are extremely careful in how we manage the resources that are entrusted to us. We consider your donations to be a sacred trust, and only about 1% of the audience actually contributes to the ministry, and that's shockingly low. It would be great to move that to 2%.
So, if you haven't given, could you please consider doing that? Regardless of whether you can donate, we have a free gift for you. Visit us online to gain access to our Focus on the Family comedy collection featuring almost four hours of clean comedy from today's guest. Yes, Ken Kington, plus Ted Cunningham, John Branion, Jeremy Nunes, and Shonda Pierce. It's a fantastic collection.
It is, and you can visit us online to request your free access to the comedy collection. The link is in the show notes. Thanks for listening to Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Take a moment and share about this episode with a friend who might need a smile, and then leave a rating for us in your podcast app. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ.
Hi, I'm Jim Daly. In summertime, giving to focus on the family slows down, but families in crisis still need your support. As we face a bit of a shortfall right now, we need your help to save marriages through Hope Restored, offer dignity, comfort, and hope to children in foster care through Wait No More, and provide biblical resources for families. Your gift by August 31st will make a real difference and offer lasting hope. Visit focusonthefamily.com slash support families.
