I love King Solomon's request. He could have asked for anything. And he said, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours. He's talking about a nation.
Well, nation originally means family.
So we've got a little nation in our home. What better question to say, God, give me wisdom as I lead this great people of yours? Welcome to today's episode of Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. We're joined by Wendy Speak and Amber Leah. They're going to offer practical parenting advice for you for every stage of your journey as a mom or a dad.
Thanks for joining us. I'm John Fuller. You know, John, here's a neon sign: there are no perfect parents. Indeed. And I think, you know, this would be one of those times I sit and listen to outstanding professionals talk about marriage and parenting.
I'll go home and talk to Jean, and she goes, Are you listening to your guests? It's a sweet way to say, you might have some more room to grow. Exactly. But in that parenting space, it's so important to, you only have one role at this. You know, how many of us that have older kids now say, I wish I could have a do-over?
And man, today we're going to talk about not needing that do-over because we will help you, our guests today, to provide scripts. They've written a great book, 30 scripts are included, on how to communicate to your kids when they're disobeying, when they're not compliant, when something comes up, the teenagers, those years are in there as well.
So I'm looking forward to that discussion because it would have been really helpful for me to have this book when I was raised in Trenton Troy. Yeah, I find it very, very beneficial to hear somebody who kind of frames out what should I be saying when. And that's really the heart of the story here today. The book, as you said, Jim, is Parenting Scripts. When what you're saying isn't working, say something new.
And you can find out more about the book and Wendy Speak and Amber Leah at our website. And we've got the link in the show notes. Wendy and Amber, welcome back to Focus on the Family. Hey, Jim. Thanks for having us.
We always love being here, so it means so much. It's so good to have you guys here. And we always just talk and talk, and it's great.
Some of that gets captured for the program, but it is so good. And what a topic, you know, these scripts. And we've touched on this in previous programs, but I really meant what I said there. You know, this is a helpful tool or resource for parents to really better respond. I can remember, you know, one of the times disciplining Trent, and he's just a thoughtful thinker, you know.
And he was probably six or seven. And I was tucking him into bed after the discipline. And I said, you know what, Trent? I'm sorry. I overreacted.
And I just want to say I'm sorry. And then he smiled, this big smile. He's in the bunk bed. He's in the top bed because he's the firstborn. And he's looking at me eye to eye.
And he had this big smile. I said, why are you smiling? He said, I didn't know parents had to apologize. And isn't that cute? It's really sweet.
It's so sweet. But, you know, it's just that point where we don't get it right all the time.
So I think in that regard, the challenges of parenting can be tough. I enjoyed it, even with the challenges. And I, man, young couples who are thinking, do we get a dog or do we have a baby, have a baby? Because it's so much better. And man, I'm telling you, at the end of your life, you will be fully rewarded in that relationship with your children.
And we laugh about it, but seriously, don't let fear grip you. And I don't think there's a challenge you can go through that you're not going to be a better person as a parent and have that. Child, be a better young adult. But speak to the challenges. We'll start there.
Oh my goodness, parenting is tough. You know, I know that you brought us in to have a conversation with you, but during your little opening there, I found myself just getting drawn in, thinking, would you, yeah, just remind us, that's true. Just remind us. And that's that's amber in my heart. We think of specifically our two parenting books, Triggers, which we've been here with you before and spoken about it.
And this really is the follow-up book to that. And we'll attach that broadcast at the website where people can see both. But go here both. Really, we like to think of them as conversations. We are not the experts.
We are in the trenches and have been in the trenches with you guys saying, Hey, here are the struggles. Hey, to the mom that's crying, to the mom that's already feeling convicted, to the mom that already wants to throw in the towel. Yeah, we've been there.
So what's the specific struggle? We're going to sit with you and we're just going to we're going to have a conversation with you about well What does God's word say? What could a better response be? What were the lousy responses like? And so that's really what this book is is an invitation to slow down sit down and write down a better response where you need it.
You're raising the exact point of the parenting challenge because we don't think about it ahead of time and we tend to do to our children what we live through as kids. Yes.
So that's why we always say that, you know, the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree because we're parenting like we were parented. And we haven't stopped to think through, okay, is this effective? I can't remember who said it. I mean, it's that great axiom that, you know, if you're repeating the same thing over and over, trying to get a different result, it's crazy. Right.
And so we're saying, let's figure out where are we making that mistake over and over. Let's pinpoint that. Let's take it one at a time and say, what would a kinder and more effective and more God-honoring response be when my children dot, dot, dot. Yeah. Amber, let me have you.
You on the parenting script, this idea.
So, role play something for us where the script is applied. You know, it could be misbehavior or something like that. And I say, stop that. Stop that. You're going to go to your room if you don't stop that.
Right. Okay. Give it three seconds. You haven't stopped that. All right.
Now you're going to your room. Right. And then you feel terrible as a parent because you're losing your cool. Same behavior comes out.
So take that typical emotional response that we, as parents, get into. I can't believe we're the adults. I mean, I'm embarrassed to say so many times I got down there in the pigpin with the boys trying to convince them, and I'm sounding just like them. Yes.
It's like we have resorted to their level instead of calling them to a more mature standard that we could model, right? And I feel like we do that. We lower ourselves to this suddenly juvenile response, just like we're mimicking them instead of calling them to actually listen to us and to obey. And you know, Jim, it's really important because when you get into the heat of the moment, that is the knee-jerk response, right? Just keep, you know, blubbering over your words, saying the same things that don't work.
I told you to do this. Or asking really dumb questions, let's be honest. Like, why do you keep doing that? Or why don't you listen? To me, and there's no, like, do we really expect that the child's going to come up with a really intelligent exactly the way it should do it?
But that's what we do. Like, we just like, why are you doing this? And so, we really wanted to help parents, first of all, you know, understand that you're not the only one that's struggling and doesn't always know what to say or says the wrong thing.
So, you're not alone. Don't let the enemy heap a ton of shame and guilt on you. But, Wendy and I say, you've got to figure out what you mean to say before you say something mean. Man, that's so right. Making the plan.
Let me push you for the example: the disobedient child. What's a script here just to give the listeners and the viewers a chance to hear it? And I will also say that with this script, the things that we do encourage parents to say, they're really rooted in biblical principles and even in scripture, because that's where true transformation happens, right? Like, there's no better script. And, you know, I think it's Wendy that says, choose the word when you choose your words, right?
So that's. Really, really important. And so, like, when I have a child that's disobeying, I will say to them, Okay, what happens when you disobey?
So, instead of immediately going in for a lesson or punishing them, I will just say, Hey, what happens when you disobey, Ollie? And he'll say to me, He's learned to say, Well, things don't go well. And I go, That's right.
So, I wonder what will happen. If you proceed to, you know, hit your brother or jump off that high wall or take the car out without asking permission, you know, checking to make sure I need it first. Like, I wonder what will happen because Ephesians tells us in chapter six, verses two through three, it says, children, you'll honor your mother and your father, dot, dot, dot, that it may go well with you, that you may live a long life. Like both in the Old and New Testament, there's so many verses about children obeying their parents. And that it goes well with you.
Often so that it will go well with them or so that they will have a long life. And so I've instilled in the boys, not perfectly, okay? Disclaimer. Remember, when I ask you what happens when you disobey, I want them to reflect instead of just reject what I'm saying because I'm angry. You know, so yeah, it just gives us against force.
We kind of, even as little children, they don't like being told things, you know? It's right in our little human nature called sin. Yes.
Right. It's so interesting. Wendy, let me ask you this. Natural consequences of our actions. Amber's alluding to it, but let me ask you more specifically: can that actually be helpful?
I think this is an area in my parenting Gene was better at than I was. I was more the saving parent. Oh, let's not let them experience too much turmoil or pain. You know, I never said it that way, but I certainly did it. Gene, you know, I'd get.
The look like a serious. I think natural consequences are the most helpful because they're only with us in our home for X number of years.
So there are just so many reasons why natural consequences, I think, are the best consequences.
Now, if your toddler's running into the street, that's not the time for it, right?
So as they get older, I think there's more and more and more room for natural consequences. What I love most as a parent is the hard parenting gets to be done by their consequences and not by my ineffective lectures. They don't need to hear from me again why they shouldn't do that thing they always do. And I'm talking little kids getting out of bed time after time or big kids sneaking out of bedroom windows. Like whatever these things are, as they get older and natural consequences come in, or they didn't do their studies, they didn't turn in their assignment, they didn't keep up on turning in the essay, and all of a sudden it's, mom, you need to pull me from this class.
Oh, there are going to be some natural consequences. And one thing that Amber's really good is showing compassion and empathy. Oh man, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this stress right now. How did you get to this point with not turning in this assignment? Can you walk me through that?
Are there ways I can help you to get caught up? But no, I'm not going to come in for the rescue because you knew that it was due.
So I'm not going to pull you last minute from a class and then go through the work of signing you up for a summer school class. And then for six weeks, you're going to be upset at me that I signed you up. Like this is just, this is wrestling the pig. Yeah. And you're going to get dirty.
And so natural consequences gets to do the hard parenting, especially as they continue to grow up. That's really good. Yeah. Yeah. And Amber, you had a story about a donut shop, I think, that relates to this.
This is such a good one because it, to your point, John, it does cost us something. Like it's not just hard for the kids to obey, it's hard for the parent to follow through consistently. Yes.
I think a lot of us struggle with that. Like, how do I actually, like, am I really going to follow through on that consequence? Because that hurts my heart as a mom to see your child suffer. There's that empathy piece.
So one time my son had a friend who needed to go to school with us. It was kind of a rare occasion. He was super excited that his buddy was going to come along with us. And so I said, you know what? Let's leave a little bit early and we'll go by the donut shop on the way.
And so we're getting the car ready. Everything's going smoothly for the morning. And then my son starts to just melt down. There's this very mouthy response from him that just floored me. It just kind of came out of nowhere.
It was kind of unusual, but I was like, This is absolutely not okay the way this is happening. And so I let him know. I said, you know what, son, in our house, we use words to bless people. And the way that you're reacting to this situation right now, unfortunately, is unacceptable. And I cannot put you in the car with your friend and reward you and do something special right on the heels of this, you know, total eruption.
And so I'm going to go ahead and take your friend and your brother and we're going to go to the donut shop and I'm going to go on to school and then I will have daddy, you know, take you or I'll come back and get you. You may not go with us. And he looked at me just like horrified that I was literally going to lay down the line, right? And not take him with me. But I did.
And so we got our things together. I explained to the friend, you know, he'll be coming along later and let's go get in the car and off we went. And as I turn around, I just say to my son, I love you. And that's sometimes the most important script to say in the heat of those moments, because even when we are giving them that discipline or that loving correction, we're following through on the consequence. Like we cannot have this really disruptive situation, very disobedient, and then immediately give you a reward.
There will be a consequence for that. You will miss out on this opportunity. I love you too much to let you go down a wrong path. I would love to say, this did not come out of Amber's mouth naturally. No, nor did you.
You can't really take grants. I mean, I would say supernaturally, yes, with the power of the Holy Spirit helping her. But what I mean by that is she prepared when my child does wrong, I'm not going to follow on the heels of it with an immediate blessing. When something like this, you don't know the specifics, but it happens enough to know that it happens. When it happens, I'm prepared now to say, hey, that blessing we're about to all do.
We can't do that. And there's a time for grace, actually. There have been times when my child's disobeyed. And I actually do take them to get the donut. And in that moment, I say to them, This is one of those occasions when I want you to know that this is unconditional love.
Grace is something you don't deserve. You deserve this, but we're getting this. You're deserving this, but you get this. But it's always, I love you, even when you're. I'm never good.
You know, when you're saying that, what's so interesting to me, it's like when we sit with marriage counselors, they always say it right. You know, the marriage counselor says, You know, Jim, what you should say in that moment is, Gene. I hear you. I really understand your heart right now. And I can only apologize for the insensitive words that I've said.
But that's not what you're thinking in the middle of the battle. You know what I mean? And so it is preparing what you said. I just want to point out that. I love that because that counselor that gave you that really good, true wisdom has heard all the bad stories, right?
Has probably lived their own bad stories. And they sat down and they wrote down, they prepared. What's a better response? And sometimes we need to not parent in the problem. If we're not ready for a better response, we need to say, hey, kiddo.
Can you just go hang out in your room for a little bit? I'm going to go hang out in mine. I want to circle back with you because we need to talk, but I'm not ready with a right response. Let's look at the comparison culture that is created.
Now, social media, you know, that's a whole nother discussion about what age do we give our kids their phone. And we're not here to talk about that. We've got many programs that you can look up. Get the app, and you can look those up. A whole program devoted just to that theme.
But in that environment, Our kids can really get into that comparison thing and then begin to want this or ask you about this, etc. How do you manage that and how can parents instill a heart of contentment, especially with social media today? My dad had a saying that I hated, but now that I've written a book with Amber called Parenting Scripts, what I realize is it was his shortest, pithiest script with me, and it was. Tough beans. Tough beans.
Yeah, but he would usually, and we put in our book, here's a long script. Like, this is pretty much the lecture version that they're going to zone out for.
So at some point, you might want to have this conversation with your kids. And then here's the shorter version. But when it comes to, oh, my friends are on social media and I, you know, I don't have it. Or all my friends have Snapchat and you won't let me have it. And all my friends have this and you won't let me have it.
We've already done the long lecture. We've already done the explaining. We've already done the loving. We've already done the message. At some point, it's got to be, hey, buddy, God in his wisdom.
Thought it was a good idea to give me you as your mom. You may not like that. This is the choice I made. Whether you like it or not, or agree or not. And that's really my script.
And I've used it. I used it this week with my youngest son. I said, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not, this is the consequence your dad and I decided. Yeah. And so that can be the answer for social media.
And tough beans was my dad's way of saying it. This is my way of saying it, whether you like it or not. Whether you agree or not, I thought you were going to say because I told you so. It's probably not a good one. Tough beans, buddy.
Tough beans is a better way of saying it. And it never felt mean from my dad because we already had the longer explanation and relationship. We have a history relationship.
Okay, so we need a script for the parent who's thinking, that's great. My child just sits around my teenage. And I've noticed certainly there's a do I have to kind of mentality, like it'll take you all of 30 seconds. Is there a reason you can't? But that doesn't work.
So give me a script for motivating a child. One thing I tell my boys, too, is you don't have to do this, you get to do this. And I apply that to myself all the time because there are certain things as parents we have to do that we may not really want to do. And if we are in that place mentally and emotionally and even spiritually, like, what are you talking about, Amber? Like, you get to do the hard parenting.
This is actually a gift. Like, what does the Bible tell me? Like it says that children are a gift, right? They're a reward. And so to lovingly remind my child, you know, no, you don't have to mow the lawn, but you get to.
And what do you think that's going to do for your dad?
So it's asking better questions, allowing them again to reflect instead of getting mad at them and saying, you know what? I do so much for you. How why are you being lazy and not getting up and doing the lawn and blah blah blah like after all I do for you? Yeah, after all I do for you and instead it's just going hmm I wonder how it will make your dad feel to know that you followed through on that and I wonder how you'll feel afterwards that you get to do that and to again causing them to reflect because otherwise they're going to be distracted They just have a reason to get mad at me instead of thinking about what's the result so you both have boys and you know again there's a girl version of this and maybe we can get there before the end of today. But with the boys, the thing that I recognize, you know, especially when they're younger, they're best friends now, which is so much fun to watch.
But when they're younger, they could go at it. I remember Troy punching Trent. And he had a loose tooth? And he pulled his fist back and his tooth was embedded in his knuckles. I mean, they were like eight and ten.
Wow.
So, I mean, Troy showed me. I went, dude, because Troy is a much smaller guy than Trent. I was like, way to go. Maybe not the right parents. Jean's like, she's doing the cutoff, you know?
But I mean, that reasonable brotherly brawl did happen over Legos or whatever it was. What script when you have that kind of physical confrontation going on? Yeah, good question. You know, so many of the confrontations, I would say we all have a story or two of it exploding bigger, like the tooth embedded in the knuckle.
Okay, I don't know if we all have a tooth embedded in the knuckle story, but we all have a, okay, that one was like. the biggest brawl. But I would say we all have the, I woke up and already they were going at it down the hall. Right. Like you're still wiping the sleep from your own eyes and they've been at it for a while.
They got the last ball of it even. Like I didn't even have time in the word yet to get my heart happy in the Lord before having to deal with this fight.
So I think it's in one of the opening chapters of Triggers, Amber introduces this idea of mom as coach. And I run with that idea in this example in our parenting scripts book, which is, if you can join them. at the fight without joining them in the fight, you can be a coach on the outside of the boxing ring.
So if you know at least the form of a boxing ring, the coach is not in there with them. Right, they're outside. The coach is on the outside in the corner. And that, number one, don't we want our kids to know we're in their corner? Sure.
Two, what's our job? Is to call them to their corner and say, ding, ding, ding, everybody to your corner here. And then what do they do? Do they just lay into the fact they are fighting? No.
Fighters gonna fight sometimes, but mothers and fathers, it's not our job to fight our kids. Fight for our kids, coach them in how to fight well, and I don't mean how to give a good left hook. I mean, how to fight emotionally well. How to struggle well rather than struggle wrong. And so we want to lean over the ropes metaphorically.
And sometimes that means you guys are struggling. And I don't want to try to figure it out with you while you're all amped up. Yeah. So, ding, ding, ding, everyone to your corners might mean let's take a break in our rooms. You don't even have to think of this as a timeout.
I mean, yeah, timeout, but. Play Legos, read a book, play your separately, but bring down your heightened state and then let's have a conversation about how you're going to deal with this problem better. I'll coach you through it, or maybe you just needed me to coach you into your corners, and you guys have what it takes to figure this out. And that's good for girls too, because like, so I taught middle school and high school for 10 years, and so dealt with a lot of boys and a lot of girls. And there's with the girls, there's a lot of drama of words, right?
Like it's a lot of emotion, it's a lot of words, there's a lot of heightened things going on. If I can be a little stereotypical, I will say that. I mean, I live in a testosterone, it's a little different vibe. I think it's okay generalizing a little bit because we just generalized with a tooth and an ankle. Exactly.
But with the girls, you know, there's all these words and all these emotions. And so, what I remind myself, and I want to remind our listeners too, is that ultimately the war is not with your person. The battle is not flesh. You know, your daughter's standing in front of you, and you feel like the battle is between you and her. Her, and it is not.
The battle is in the spiritual realm, and that is where we actually take up the fight. You know, to Wendy's point, yes, we need to cool down. I love that ding, ding, ding. You know, go to your corners for a minute. We got to just like have some space here so that we can all, you know, think for a minute.
But then there's also just that reminder that the battle is really the Lord's, and the battle ultimately is in that spiritual realm. I don't want to fight with my child, I want to fight for them through prayer, through using these scripts that are rooted in scripture, through being calm myself and modeling what I mean to say instead of saying the mean thing or the ineffective thing that's not working. Yeah, that's so good. We're right at the end. We've scratched the surface.
We're going to come back next time, continue the discussion. And, you know, I hope this is helping you. Again, like I said at the beginning, I wished I would have had this kind of resource to get me through some of my parenting dilemmas. I think Gene would say the same thing.
So let me just pause and say, focus on. The Family is a Christian ministry that is here to help you and your family. And we depend on your generous financial gifts to equip parents with biblical resources because we know strong marriages and families are the bedrock of a healthy and flourishing society. That's the way God designed it, but we can't do it without you. The last time we spoke with Amber and Wendy, we received a letter from a mom who routinely berated her daughter for never listening.
She said, I felt like the worst parent on earth, and I'm so glad I got to hear your broadcast. I know I'm not the only parent that's struggling. I made a donation of $2 because that is all I could give for now. I'd like to make some changes, and I believe the book will be a blessing. Hopefully, this mom can implement some of those parenting scripts that we've talked about.
So, if Focus has blessed you, or you'd like to see our work continue to bless future generations, please consider making a generous gift of any amount. and consider making that gift on a monthly basis. If you do, we'd love to send a copy of Amber and Wendy's great book, Parenting Scripts, as our way of saying thank you for being part of the ministry and helping others. It's a great way to partner together. And let me remind you, we have something called Age and Stage e-newsletter.
So you go in, you can sign up for that content, and we will ask for your kids' birthdays, and we'll send you an initial overview for the year of what you're going to experience in the twos or the eights or the 13s. And then every week, we'll send you something to help you in that parenting journey. And it's a great thing. And I'm sure we're incorporating some of Wendy and Amber's great content into that. But sign up for it.
It's absolutely free. We're just here to help you do that parenting job better. No greater resource than parenting scripts by our wonderful guests. And just get on with doing the parenting job as best as you can. Yeah, we're here to help.
And you can find all the details. About the Age and Stage e-newsletter in this terrific book, Parenting Scripts. When what you're saying isn't working, say something new, and so much more at our website. The link is in the show notes or call 1-800, the letter A in the word family. Amber and Wendy, let's come back next time and keep the conversation going.
Yeah, we'd love to.
Okay. And thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we continue the conversation next time and once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. Your marriage can be redeemed even if the fights seem constant, even if there's been an affair, even if you haven't felt close in years. No matter how deep the wounds are, you can take a step toward healing them with a hope-restored marriage-intensive.
Our biblically based counseling will help you find the root of your problems and face challenges together. We'll talk with you, pray with you, and help you find out which program will work best. Call us at 1-866-875-2915.
