The Power of Affirmation

Lisa Jacobson has always been a big fan of her husband, Matt. But she says she realized one day that she wasn't telling her husband how much she admired him. I noticed I would be with my girlfriends, and I would rave about Matt. Matt is just such a dear husband. And, you know, when he did this, and, oh, can I tell you something else that he did that just touched me deeply?

And then I'd go home and say, hey, honey, how was your day? You know? And I realized, you know what? I don't actually say things to him directly the way I exude to my girlfriends. And I want to get better at this.

I want to grow. And at first, perfectly honest, it was awkward for me. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Anne Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. When was the last time your spouse heard you say something and they recognized, oh, I think my spouse actually likes me? We're going to talk more about affirming one another in marriage today. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today. Thanks for joining us. We ought to make it clear at the beginning here, because we're talking this week about how to affirm one another. You're the most amazing radio co-host I've ever had in my life, Bob. I think that this is our best week of the month.

That's what I wanted to make. We couldn't agree more with that, just saying. We should be clear, and you've just illustrated this, there's a difference between genuine affirmation and flattery, right? We've got some guests joining us this week, Matt and Lisa Jacobson. Guys, welcome back. Thank you. Matt and Lisa are authors, speakers. They are bloggers.

They are podcasters. They've written books to help husbands and wives. The last time they were here, we talked about loving your husband and loving your wife. This time, we're talking about affirming each other in marriage. And there is a difference, Matt, between flattery and genuine affirmation, isn't there? Absolutely, and that's something that your wife can pick up on in a heartbeat.

All right, there absolutely is. And really, flattery is just throwing out a compliment for your own gain, right, for what you're actually after in the other person. And affirmation is speaking a word of truth about a wonderful characteristic or quality or ability of that other person for the purpose of building them up and lifting their spirit. So I wanted to ask the ladies here, because there were times early in our marriage when I would say affirming things to Mary Ann, and her immediate response was kind of what you talked about, Dave, yesterday. She would go right to, no, that's not true. She would, I would say, you know, you're doing a great job with the kids. No, I'm not.

You look great. And she'd just roll her eyes. And after a while, it's like, well, this isn't working. Did this happen in your marriage?

Well, yes, it can happen. And I think the difference is, and I know if you're not aware of this, it might not seem any different, but the difference is to say something like, let's just say, you look pretty tonight. No, I don't. Because I already know I'm having a bad hair day or this dress looks terrible on me. So it feels like a lie. Not that you meant it is. But if Matt says, you are so beautiful.

Well, that is powerful. That's something I can't say, no, I'm not. I mean, I can, but that's harder to argue with. And because that's the difference between, I think, that compliment or flattery versus truly speaking, a word of life of love into the person. I think that there's another thing at play here as well. And I think that we can look at this as a game of percentages. Okay, so when you're speaking those words to your wife and she goes, no, you're not, it's because on her side of the ledger, there have been 50 things that speak against that one truth that you're speaking to her. And so I think as men, husbands, we need to stay in the game. We need to stay at it. In the example that you used relative to the children, you're doing a good job with the children.

No, I'm not. Well, she's just speaking how most moms feel life is coming at them with the speed of a fighter jet and the chaos of a riot. And she feels like I'm in the middle of it and I'm not doing a great job. But what's in your mind is maybe the way that she laid out a plan for Saturday and brought it to fruition and the kids had such a good time. Or maybe it's the faithfulness that she has expressed or shown in how she's looked after the kids, how she really cares for their hearts. There's something about her parenting, her mothering that was in your mind at the time when you were speaking to her about what a great job she's doing.

And she's thinking of the whole universe of being a mother and how she feels like she's not doing great at that. You're pointing out something. And so we need to stay in the game and we need to just show her, no, this is the way I'm talking about how you're doing such a great job. And we need to overcome that other voice, that other 50 voices that have spoken negative messages. We need to overcome that. We need to counteract that.

We need to stay in the game and not give up on the first comment. And I think it's important that if a husband or a wife is thinking something affirming, like you look beautiful, you need to make sure that if your spouse comes back to you with, no, I don't, you can be specific. I was just going to say adding specifics is super helpful too. Like I was thinking not that long ago, I told Matt, I said, you're such a good dad to the boys. And he was just in a point where he was handling so much on so many different fronts that he just was noticing the things that he wasn't doing that he wanted to do with and for the boys.

And I did tell him, I said, yeah, but you've never missed one of their basketball games. You're always there for them. Who do the boys come to in the middle of the night when they need someone to talk to?

That's you. That means you're a good dad. And he's like, oh, and he just, I knew I could see that he needed to hear that because he was just focusing on the things that he wasn't getting to that and he knew that they're growing up fast. He was worried. When we talk about a hundred words of affirmation, your wife or your husband needs to hear, we're talking about speaking the truth of their best moments back to them so they can see, no, you are wonderful at these things and just outlining those things. They need to hear it. We need to hear it. We all need to hear that affirmation.

I think it's important to not get discouraged as you're continuing to affirm your husband or wife, even if they don't agree with you. I know that when Dave has said nice things to me, I will disagree. Like, no, I'm not. But you would get mad at me.

Like, I'm not even going to tell you if you're going to do that. Yeah, I did not handle that well. That's the ancient past we're talking about.

An example from the ancient past. But I would. I would say something nice. And again, this really is decades ago, but she would most of the time say it's not true.

Then a week later is like, you never say anything nice to me. I'm like, well, I tried. But I had to realize, oh, my goodness, this needs to be spoken over and over. I'm combating years of this wound that I get to be Jesus to her. I get to remind her this is what Jesus sees and I get to say it. Yeah, what we're saying, no, I'm not. We're really saying is I don't feel that way. And that's all you need to know is, okay, she's not feeling this way, but I can help her get her feelings in line with what is true.

You are beautiful to me or you are a good mom. The wounds from childhood and the voices from our past are so powerful. But as a spouse, you have a greater power. You just have to keep using it. You just have to stay in that moment and not give up when it's coming back negatively at you. Because it really is about something other than what you're talking about in the moment.

It's about that voice and about that wound. And you've got tremendous power. And so, what I like to think about in a moment where Lisa might want to pull back from a compliment like that, from an affirmation, that's the time for us to lean in, to come close, even to touch, just to come near and say, no, no, this is true.

Here's what's true about you. And then outline, stay in it because you understand, no, I've got what you need for this moment right now. And just be purposeful and not give up. Do you wives ever feel like when your husband is saying something affirming, are you ever thinking, okay, what do you want? What's the agenda behind?

What are you trying to get at? Do you ever feel that way? Well, if he says you're looking hot tonight, I would agree with that. We know what they want.

We know where this is going. Yeah, but if he says you're a great mom, you're not thinking, okay, he's buttering me up for something. He's just trying to get something from me. I don't with Dave because he doesn't use his words flippantly.

Yeah, I would say the same here. And you're not going to trick your wife. I mean, if that's the approach that you're taking, it's really about who you are as a person and your wife knows who you are as a person. So when we talk about affirmations, we're talking about doing something not for your own purposes, but for what's best in your home. And we like to talk about the culture that you're establishing in the relationship, those words of kindness, those words of affirmation. You're literally building a beautiful culture of positive communication and a positive spirit in your home. And you've got the power to do it. We have to act on the power that we have. We've got to follow through and really take responsibility for our part in the tenor of our home and the tenor of our marriage through what we say and how we say it.

And the trickle-down effect is amazing, just the way it seeps into your home if you have children. They start speaking and they get used to it. So you'll hear, not that our kids are perfect because they bicker, they have arguments, it's not like that. But you can hear them say to each other, you did a good job.

I like the way you picked up the living room and you're thinking, did I just hear what I thought I heard? It's like a new language. It is. It's totally like a language. And because this is the home that they're growing up in, to them, this is going to become more natural. It is a way of communicating.

It is a way of having a relationship. And just like if you've grown up a home where that wasn't the case, either it was silent tension or maybe just outright critical bickering spirit, well, what a great way to reverse that. I had a pastor friend of mine who said, he got together for a pastoral retreat one time with the other guys on staff, and he said, we started off and here was the assignment. We were going to go around the room and everybody was going to fill in the blank here.

Here is how I have seen evidence of God's grace in your life. He phrased it that way so that nobody became puffed up, nobody got proud of what was going on, but this was a chance to affirm one another and say, what we're affirming here is really God's at work in you and I see God at work in you. And they were calling that out of one another. Well, think about the tone of what followed that beginning as they got together for a meeting. He had just laid a foundation where now they could tackle some hard things, but they tackled the hard things after they had demonstrated, yeah, I see God at work in you, I see God at work in you, I believe in you. Now we can get to the tough stuff.

Yeah, absolutely. To speak words of affirmation to your husband or your wife is really to speak to them in a godly way, all right, to build them up in a godly way. And we need to remember in our way of communicating as a man and wife, as husband and wife, we need to remember that God's not okay with a little sin. Sometimes we say, hey, just a little bickering spirit there, just a little snipping back and forth, just a little side comment.

It's not just negative, it's unbiblical. God wants us to have homes that are filled with godly communication, with a godly spirit, with a kind, loving way of communicating. That's what it means to have a biblical home. And so even in our own marriage and in many, many other marriages, we've seen how it's really easy to get comfortable with kind of a negative undertone of communication, and that become part of the fabric of how our lives are put together in our home.

Of course, in so doing, if you've got kids in the house, you're discipling them in that way of being as well. None of that is okay. And the interesting thing about the Bible is the percentage of sin that God is comfortable with, it's right there, it's zero, right?

No sin is okay. So the way we communicate, it's either godly or it's ungodly. It's either positive or it's negative.

It's either building up or it's tearing down. So ask yourself, what is the culture of communication that I want to be responsible for in my home, that I want to contribute to in my home? What do I want it to look like after I've been there, after I've spoken, after I've communicated? Like the aroma. The aroma.

What's it smell like in our home? Another Bible verse that's very critical is Ephesians 4, 15, speak the truth in love. So I want to be affirming. I want to speak life. There's something going on in our marriage. There's something going on with my spouse. I need to speak a hard truth.

How do I do it? Well, I think the first thing that we need to do before we get ready to speak truth is we need to think about the parable that Jesus told about the speck and the beam in our eye. Okay? Because what severe justice as we are to our own crimes and other people. Okay?

All right? And that's not an original quote with me, but I heard it said somewhere, but it's so true. We're so ready to point out something that somebody else isn't doing. We're so ready to point out a shortcoming or a failure. And we're warned by the Lord, you know what?

It's the hypocrite that goes in to clean up everybody else's mess when they themselves have serious problems. So the first thing in that case is to engage in some real introspection. And when we do that, it changes us from somebody who is going in to clean something up to somebody who has a humble spirit and is going in with love as the motivation. And that business of speaking the truth in love, sometimes the love part just gets left out in the cold. So if we're truly loving, the first thing we're going to do is assess and analyze ourself.

And secondly, the way we do that, if that's what you're talking about, because 100% of all communication isn't just affirming words. So you've got this situation. We always instruct, don't try to take care of something in the moment of emotional intensity.

You've got to wait until your past, like maybe it's a day, maybe it's a week, get past that moment. And then tell your spouse, hey, there's something I want to talk about. And go in identifying yourself as part of this to begin with. So it's just not all on the other person. All of communication takes two people, right?

There are two people involved in this. So if it's something that needs to be said, something that needs to change, then start with how God has worked on you. Start with the way God has had to change you.

Be honest about a failure or a shortcoming that you have had. And then go into, can I talk to you about something that's really important to me? Just have a supplicating kind of spirit rather than a I'm going to speak truth to you kind of spirit. So am I hearing you say that if the sun goes down on your anger three, four, five times, that's okay? Well, I think that that verse is misunderstood. I really do.

Because what has happened with the, I think, wrong interpretation of that verse is people go, okay, so. We have to hash it out tonight. We have to hash it out tonight until three in the morning when we want to scratch each other's eyes out.

And then we fall asleep. Oh, I guess the sun went down on her. Okay. First of all, the word wrath isn't just I'm upset about something.

The word wrath is I am furious about something. So there's that. Secondly, a mature Christian couple can say, you know what? I'm not happy about this. But we can talk about it in the morning. So you're setting aside the anger. Doesn't mean you won't have real emotions when you bring it up the next day when you're talking about it. But you literally can set it aside. Our anger isn't just some uncontrollable monster that we'd better deal with right then. You know, we can literally choose to be angry.

We can choose to set it aside. And you can get a great night's sleep even when you're out of fellowship with your spouse on a given point and you can deal with it at a time when maybe you're not quite as emotionally intense about it. Is this something that both of you are just naturally good at? I mean, are you just affirming positive cheer on the other person, people? Is that a part of your personality?

I would say for Matt, if I can speak for him. He is good about speaking words of affirmation. But you can also have somewhat of a critical spirit or critical view. I disagree with that.

Critical view of things. So I think part of what we grew in is communicating things in a way that didn't sound critical to me, to my ears, even if he didn't mean it that way. And for myself, speaking this way did not come naturally. It was not maybe how I grew up. It's just not, I am a positive person, but just not with my husband, which is terrible.

So this is part of what my conviction was. I noticed I would be with my girlfriends and I would rave about Matt. Matt is just such a dear husband. And, you know, when he did this and, oh, can I tell you something else that he did that just touched me deeply?

And then I'd go home and say, hey, honey, how was your day? And I realized, you know what? I don't actually say things to him directly the way I exude to my girlfriends. And I want to get better at this.

I want to grow. And at first, perfectly honest, it was awkward for me. It actually felt weird to me to say, you are one amazing something. I think you've only scratched the surface and probably should talk more about that. But you should also talk about this business of you had no trouble affirming your girlfriends.

You had no trouble speaking words of affirmation to them. Well, that's true too. Yeah, no, I'm a very positive person.

You know, I'll encourage you till the cows come home. So what was the hesitancy with your husband? And I think this is true of many wives. I think it had something to do with intimacy, that closeness. It was like a barrier that was up between me and him, this invisible barrier that I don't know where it came from. I assume it had something to do with my childhood and upbringing, but it was a little protective barrier.

So it was easier for me to talk to people out there than to this man that I was sleeping next to. Did it make you feel vulnerable? It did.

Yeah, it did. And I don't know why I would think it would make him feel vulnerable, but it was actually me putting my heart out there and saying, this is what I think about you. This is what I admire about you.

And then seeing what he did with it. I would just add, I can remember hearing Anne praise other husbands and dads. And it really got me mad. Sure. Because she would give praise to them.

Maybe even to their face. Man, you're just incredible. And then I'd walk in the house and I just thought I heard, boo, you're not very good. And I'm like, oh, yeah, you want me to be like that guy. Well, I thought it would motivate Dave because he's super competitive.

And I thought, oh, if he hears me say this, he's going to be motivated to be better. Didn't it work well? I don't know why it didn't work. It didn't.

I rebelled. I don't think it works for anybody. Yeah, I mean, I was like, oh, yeah, well, then you can be married to him because I'm Superman and you don't know it. I mean, it's manipulative. But when she started speaking affirmation, it changed me. It was like the most motivating thing ever.

And I would just say to anyone listening, this is exactly the way God is going to transform your spouse. Speak life, speak affirmation and trust God. Even if it does feel awkward on your tongue, you can practice and you can actually get better at it. I think now it comes much more naturally to me. But it's like any kind of skill.

You just start somewhere and start saying it. So Lisa, the wife who would pick up your book 100 words of affirmation your husband needs to hear and would open up and go, your steadiness makes me feel secure. Can't say that. I need you. I'm not even sure I can say that. Dreaming with you is fun. No. I've learned so much from you.

You're a blessing to our family. Somebody who would read through this and go, I don't know that I can say any of these to my husband. Well, there are marriages out there that are like that. Yeah. Absolutely. But this isn't the definitive list for every marriage.

What this is is a representative list to get you thinking about speaking positively about your spouse. And the fact of the matter is, even if you have a challenged marriage, there is something about that. And we're talking to Christians. Okay.

We're talking to people who claim to be following Christ, who say that they believe the Bible. There is something about that person that you can find and speak positively about. There's something.

All right. And maybe all of those things aren't coming back to you, but maybe they're coming to the kids. Maybe he's a good provider. Maybe she is somebody who is very giving of her time to other people in terms of ministering or whatever it is, even if you don't have a perfect marriage, if you don't have an excellent marriage, even if you would say you have a very negative experience, there are things that you can speak that are positive into that other person. So you're right to point out, there are things in the book that maybe don't apply to every marriage and that's certainly the case. But the point of it is, is to get you thinking about a way of communicating, because this is talking about establishing that culture in your marriage, in your home, in your relationship. And so you get to be responsible for that.

You get to be responsible for how you're speaking. Not for what the other person has done, but for how you're speaking and what you're contributing to the spirit and culture of your home. And if the thought in your head is, okay, I'll say one of these things, you're a good provider and then you think, but as soon as that's over, I'm also going to say, but I wish you would, that's the wrong way to approach this, right?

It is, because again, speaking words of affirmation isn't about scoring points and it isn't about getting what you're after, okay? And there may be all kinds of flat sides that your spouse has, there's probably all kinds of flat sides that you have too, actually. Because when people get into a challenged relationship, one thing is certain, you're both involved, you are the common denominator in that relationship.

And so it's really good for us to say, I've got some responsibility here too. Having said that, this is about choosing to focus on the positive side, and again, I just love what you're saying, Dave, about how powerful that is in marriage. Even if it hasn't been great, it's such a powerful way to begin to communicating with each other. And I think the surprising element of this is it doesn't only impact the person you're speaking words to, it actually impacts yourself. It changes the way you think, not just the way the other person thinks or acts.

And that's the part we never see coming. And then over time you think, wow, I am saying this and I'm realizing that I've been so focused on these other things that he's not doing, let's just say as a wife. And I really am grateful for the kind of dad he is or the kind of communicator he is or whatever it is. My best friend, Michelle, has a great marriage, but she struggled with using her words to communicate the great things she saw in her husband. And so she realized that he was traveling a lot and she was saying negative things even to her young daughters, and she really wanted to change that. And so what she started doing is she started a journal of writing down all the things he did right. And instead of saying, you didn't make it home in time for that soccer game, what she did say was, I appreciate the effort you always put into being at the soccer games. I appreciate that you put the lights on the Christmas tree this year.

I appreciate. And so the first year on his birthday that she gave him this journal and she dated it, he sat in the chair and wept because of the power of her written words to her husband. And every year she's done it since, and now her daughters do it and their home has become this place of aroma and life because they've become really good at sharing life with one another.

And it all started with her journey of like, I'm not very good at this, but I can write it to begin with. And I would just add, you think about that or any home or any marriage or any business or any neighborhood, do people not want to go where they're affirmed? Nobody has ever said, I'm guessing, I hate going to their house because why is that?

Every time I go there, they tell me how great I am, they tell me I'm great, man, but I don't want to go there. No, you run to that. It's a magnet. It draws your husband home. It draws your wife home.

It's the way we're made. It draws your kids home. It draws people to your church. Yeah.

You know, unchurched people go to places where people say, you're amazing. Yeah. Not the opposite.

And they're like, I want to go back to that place. Why? That's the power of life in words. Absolutely.

And you know, it doesn't matter where your marriage is. Just choose to be the person that's going to start, right? Because that's what your friend did. And right? You started and look what happened.

And so you can be that person. You can initiate, you can start, you can be the one to start this positive communication in your home. You guys have been great guests. I just want to say, I mean, yeah, I just want to affirm you and thank you guys for being here. It's been great to be here.

What a blessing. And let me encourage listeners who are saying, I don't know even where to start. Here's an action point. Here's a copy of Matt and Lisa's books, A Hundred Words of Affirmation Your Husband Needs to Hear, A Hundred Words of Affirmation Your Wife Needs to Hear.

Read through it. Pick five that you can start with and just start saying these things to each other. We've got copies of the books in our Family Life Today Resource Center. You can order the books from us online at familylifetoday.com or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY to order by phone. Again, the title of the book, A Hundred Words of Affirmation Your Husband Needs to Hear, A Hundred Words of Affirmation Your Wife Needs to Hear, we'll send you both books when you order them.

Again, order online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-358-6329, that's 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today to get your copies of Matt and Lisa's books. Now, a quick word of thanks to those of you who are partnering together with us to pour into the lives of hundreds of thousands of husbands and wives and moms and dads every day of the year. Those of you who support the Ministry of Family Life Today, you make this radio program possible, not only on radio but as a podcast for those who are listening that way. You help support our website, our resources, our events, all that we're doing here at Family Life. If you're a Family Life Today donor, you make it possible and we are grateful for your support. If you're a longtime listener and you've never made a donation, how about investing in the lives of the couples you see around you, the moms and dads who desperately need the kind of practical biblical help and hope that we provide on this program. Make a donation to support Family Life Today and we'll send you as a thank you gift a copy of Brian Larritt's new book, The Dad Difference, four gifts every dad needs to give to his kids. This new book is our thank you gift when you make a donation, so donate online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate.

And thanks in advance for your support on behalf of those who will benefit from your investment. Thank you. And I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able in some form or fashion to worship together with your local church this weekend. And I hope you can be here on Monday when we're going to meet a woman who always dreamed of being a mom until that dream was taken away from her temporarily. We'll meet Heather DeJesus-Yates and talk about how she has become a mother of thousands. Hope you can tune in for that. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Hope for today, hope for tomorrow.