The Marks of a Successful Teen

There are a lot of people, a lot of voices trying to influence your children about how they should act, how they should look, what they should say.

Jeffrey Dean says there is one set of voices that is louder than any other in your teenager's life. They may not always say it or show it, but kids want mom and dad's involvement. And so, greater than a rock star or a pop star or a jock star, kids overwhelmingly tell us, hey, mom and dad drives the bus.

I'm in that passenger seat. How they live, I live. And so, though it's not necessarily culture cool to say, hey, mom and dad, your kids are looking to you as the greatest influence, reality is students show us your kids are watching your lead. The question isn't, do you influence?

It's how are you using that influence? This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine. You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. What are the right strategies?

What are some moms and dads doing as they raise their teens that seem to be working? We're going to talk more about that today with Jeffrey Dean. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. I want to read to you something I just read. I thought you were going to say something you just wrote. I read this, and I tell you, when I read it, I thought, that's true.

I don't think about this as often as I should, but it's true and you need to be aware of it. You're anticipating this now. We are in suspense.

I have no idea even what topic this might be. Here's the statement. Satan is determined to destroy every teen without exception. And I thought, that's true.

And I don't live in that awareness and that reality. Of course, he's determined to destroy each one of us. Teens are not an exclusive group. But I'll tell you what, you look at what's going on in the culture, you think it sure feels like he's targeted that age group specifically, don't you? And as parents, you would say, amen to that. I see that. Not amen, we want him to do that.

No. No, amen that I've seen this in my family, in friends, in relatives. That's really true, and it's scary, isn't it?

Yeah, it really is. We've got somebody joining us today who has been talking to and working with teenagers for decades. He wrote that statement, didn't he?

He did make that statement. Jeffrey Dean joins us on Family Life Today. Welcome. Thank you.

It's a joy to be here. Jeffrey is an internationally known speaker. As I said, he's been doing youth retreats and youth camps and high school assemblies. And you've traveled around the country.

We were talking more than 100 events a year that you're doing evangelistic events, but also going into schools and talking about issues that teens are facing. But by the grace of God, we have been able to share God's word with people in every state in America, but one. Uh-oh. What's that state? I'm waiting for the call. Please don't say Michigan.

I'm waiting for the call. Hawaii. New Hampshire. Hawaii. Come on, Hawaii. Hawaii listeners, let's go. Yeah, let's go.

I'm ready. That's a selfless request right there. And you know what?

I think he needs a couple to go with him, you know? Dave and I will be happy to follow you. Amen.

Let's start fighting. Yeah, but I mean, on your bio, it says you've spoken over four million people. I know you're married. You live in Nashville.

You've got a wife and two daughters. Do you ever spend any time in Nashville? That's funny, but we go where the phone rings and how God leads, and my family, I have two daughters, two teen daughters, and they're crazy busy in sports in Nashville, but they're on the road quite a bit. They've grown up.

It's their normal, and we love having them on the road, but there are times, I'll be honest, when it's just me, and those are tough times. Yeah. You wrote a book recently for parents called Raising Successful Teens. Successful, define what you mean. What's a successful teen? Yeah, we really struggled with this word because that word can quite, well, just be misleading, and parents could be even listening now thinking, I'm so far from success.

And so we decided to keep it, and I really started thinking about my marriage, my family, my daughters. And for me, I hope this makes sense to you guys, when I think about success, it's less about perfection and more about pursuit, that obviously we can't be perfect, but it's that pursuit. Well, the question Jesus has asked in Matthew 22, what is the greatest commandment?

To love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and to love others the same is that second greatest commandment. And so when you think about parenting, my desire for my two daughters, Bailey and Brennan, is that they're on that pursuit, that daily pursuit of learning to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. And so when we use the word success, it's really a challenge to parents, to me as a parent, to daily be at the grind of raising kids who want to know the Lord and live for Him and are on that pursuit, though they can't get there to perfection this side of heaven.

Well, that sure is a great goal for us all. When I saw the title and what popped into my mind, I thought, what verse talks about success? And Joshua 1.8 came to mind for me. It says, this book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. So you're taking in God's word, you're meditating, you're living, and then you're doing it. And then it says, for then you will make your way prosperous and you will have good success. Every parent would feel I've got a successful teen if they're meditating on God's word and doing everything according to it, right?

Yeah. And in the home and Christian standard version of that passage, there are the two words above all. When Moses has now passed and God challenges Joshua to be strong and courageous in that passage and to above all to follow those commands. And so that's daunting when I think about that as a parent, that above all is my kids are looking to me, my wife is counting on me, and we're in this together. What's that look like to unpack God's truth so that my daughters strive to be successful and above all honoring God?

And what a challenge for us all. And here's a point we just have to make to parents, because I remember when I was raising my kids and I'm focused on what? Well, I want them to get good grades. I want them to go to a good college. I want them to be successful adults. I want them to meet and marry somebody that is going to love the Lord. So I've got all- You haven't even said the most important one. I want them to- Be great athletes. Okay, go ahead. I was going to say, I don't want them to be partying.

Yeah, there's so many different things. So I'm defining success in those behavior terms, and it's not that those things are unimportant, but at the end of the day, if they love Christ and they want to know him and want to pursue him, I'm going to be happier about that than if I've got a Rhodes Scholar who's getting drunk every weekend and doesn't care about going to church, right? So we really do have to recalibrate in our own hearts and minds as parents what success means.

And Jeffrey, as you've talked to a lot of teens and a lot of parents, how many parents do you think have ever even thought, this is what success would look like when my child is a teen or beyond, obviously, when they're 20, 30 years old? Do you find that most parents have never thought that through, or do you find most parents, no, they do have a goal, and they know what that goal is, and they're trying to raise their kid that way? I think most parents, at least that we come in contact with in our ministry, they're in pursuit of that, but they may not always know that they are. They want that success for their kids, and so when you begin to talk with them and they share their struggles, a kid who's a porn addict or one who's struggling in math or who's making poor choices sexually in their dating lives, when you begin to connect the dots backwards to that starting point, we find that parents truly want what's best for them and understand that God plays a critical role in that. I think the challenge for parents, and I would say this for me, someone who's grown up in the Word and loves the Lord and gave my life to Christ as an eight-year-old boy, I even sit back and think, okay, well, how do I bring that to fruition?

What's that look like in my home, and what is my responsibility spiritually? We talk in the book a lot about the power of influence, and we know as parents, our kids are watching us, they may not always show it or admit it or say it, but they're looking to us, and so what does that look like to lead them in a way that is God-honoring? And that's why I begin the book really challenging parents as I hold them here before myself, as I say this, that my influence in the life of my kids really begins my walk with the Lord.

Yeah, you say in the opening pages of your book, five foundational truths, and the first one you just hit on. I want to hear you talk about this, because I think a lot of us, when we hear that, we think, no, no, no, no, I'm probably not the most influential person in my teenager's life anymore. I was, but now it's their peers, and you state, number one, you are the most influential person in your teen's life. And we as parents can't even believe that, because we feel like our kids don't want to be with us, they don't even like us most of the time.

Right. And yet, you're saying we are the most influential. We really tried to tackle this book from the perspective of students. We've had countless, thousands of conversations with kids. And so the words and the challenges I bring to the pages of Raising Successful Teens in so many ways are from conversations we've had from kids.

So this is what kids are sharing with us across America. They may, again, not always say it or show it, but kids want mom and dad's involvement. And so greater than a rock star or a pop star or a jock star, kids overwhelmingly tell us, hey, my dad, I'm following his lead. They may not say it in those exact words, but kids are telling us, mom and dad drives the bus, I'm in that passenger seat.

How they live, I live. And so though it's not necessarily culture cool to say, hey, mom and dad, your kids are looking to you as the greatest influence, reality is, students show us. And I, as the megaphone for Teens in America, am writing it in this book to say, your kids are watching your lead.

The question isn't, do you influence, it's how are you using that influence. Yeah, I've shared this here before, but years ago, my youngest son, who's now pastoring with me at my church, but he was in college playing football, was home for a winter break. Anyway, I had him preach a sermon with me, sort of we split this thing in half. And he was, his walk with God was really strong. And I just felt like, man, he can share. And the young people in our church, especially, they'll be like, wow, you know, that's what it looks like to be 20, 19.

Anyway, he does this message and he does really well. And some guys come up to me afterwards, some men that had a men's group, they called it Band of Brothers. They said, hey, we're having this little retreat this weekend. Any chance you could come over, you don't need to speak to retreat, it's local, could we have dinner and ask you questions?

Just, we're younger dads, you're an old dad, basically. And then they said, hey, you know, Cody's on fire for, could you bring him? And maybe we would ask him. And I'm like, Cody, you want to go?

Yes, we go there. Long story short, at one point they asked Cody, hey, so you're obviously, you know, walking with Jesus. It's really cool to see that as a dad, hoping our kids will do that as they get to college. What did your dad do that helped your faith be so strong? And you're going, I'm dying to hear the answer to this.

I am. I'm sitting right beside him, he's right there. But here, I've got to be honest, my first thought was, what did I do?

I did so many things. I mean, there's a million things he could pick. I was arrogantly thinking, man, we did Bible studies, we had the four pillars of manhood, you know, all these different things. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, this will be fun to see what he says. So I look over and he's just sitting there, he goes, well, and he pauses for, it felt like two minutes.

And you're sweating. So then I'm thinking, oh, he's got so many, he doesn't know which one to pick. That's great.

That's so funny. I would think the opposite, like, oh, I've done nothing. He has nothing. I was, I was thinking, oh, he really doesn't know what to pick. He's trying to go smooth.

So finally I elbow him, I'm like, Cody, come on, man. He goes, yeah, he didn't really do much, but I can remember one thing. And I'm thinking, wow, I wonder what that, you know, if all those things, he just said, I don't remember a Bible study.

I don't remember any things he taught. And we did that. Mission trips. He lived it. He lived it. And I knew he loved me. And he was always there. That's it.

And I sort of thought that was it. Like all that other stuff didn't matter. Of course it mattered, but it hit me right there. Of all the guys he hung out with, the most influential person in his life was me. And you already said it.

They're watching you and they're seeing it. And of course I wasn't perfect and there were all kinds of flaws. But man, when you're taking that role and realizing I am going to be the most important person in my son or daughter's life, even when they're 30 or 40 years old, our dads are that way in our life. Yeah, absolutely. And that's just what you said. And so, man, I remember when they were in high school having that thought, I'm not that important anymore to them.

I was, but now it's other things. And you're reminding us, no, you are. That's foundational truth number one. Let's go to number two. Number two is your teen wants you to be involved in his life.

Which really piggybacks from number one. I'm sitting here listening to you talk about your son and those stories. And I'm remembering it's walking through the halls of my head now. I grew up here in Little Rock. It's great to be back in Razorback country, by the way.

And I haven't been back in years. And I remember my dad, a man of few words, didn't lead us in a lot of Bible studies. We prayed around the dinner table and had a family devotional.

But a man of few words, a godly man, but not that leader vocally in the home. As I'm listening to you talk and the son of you and your story, I'm remembering as I close my eyes, I can think about it. I can see myself at the Little League baseball field.

I don't even know if it's still here in Little Rock. But rounding the bases and week after week playing ball and my mom and dad in the stands. And the noises of a busy ballpark and kids playing on the other side and the other fields.

And the umpire and teams hollering and coaches hollering. But above all of those voices, guys, I'm telling you, I can close my eyes and remember it like it was just a second ago. Hearing my daddy holler from the bleachers. All right, son. And it's that all right, son, that literally puts chill bumps on my arms of remembering. Though my dad was a man of few words, he was a man that was there and involved. And those all right, son, moments have carried me.

And I think of them and I get emotional when I think about it. Because now I'm the voice in my home and I remind parents listening today that you are the voice louder than all other voices in the playing field of your student's life. And so they are listening to your voice, watching your lead.

What a powerful influence. But yes, foundational principle number two, they want you involved. And again, may not always show it in a way that you desire.

They show it, but they sure want your involvement. But the parent who's listening to this and going, it doesn't feel that way. I mean, it felt that way when they were 11. It felt like they were listening. It felt like they wanted me involved. Now they're 14. They're pushing and pushing us out. Everything is, I don't want your stuff. Just leave me alone.

I can do this. And as they get to the end of those teen years and step into those college years, I know for me as a collegiate student, I found myself looking back a lot. And we all know this. Right now, our kids are in the middle of their memory-making years. And though they may not fully know it, they are making memories that are going to be impressed on their memory and hard drive for the rest of their lives. And so in the moment, it may not feel it. And it may make you fighting mad because you don't feel it. But studies show, and more importantly, our kids tell us. And as a student myself now looking backwards often, I see the power of mom and dad's influence, even in the moments and the seasons when I didn't want it.

Boy, I sure know I needed it. And so as a parent, and this is the tough part to do, I have two teens living at home. We have to rise above that emotion of, man, it doesn't feel like they love me right now.

It doesn't feel like they respect me right now. But I'm going to stay the course because as God challenged Joshua and Joshua 1, above all, I don't answer to how my kids feel about me in the moment. I answer the call God's placed in my life to be their parent. I can remember when one of our sons was getting older, and this is a son that was super affectionate. So we would read the Bible at night. We'd pray, and he'd always say, Mom, get under the covers. Get under the covers.

So sweet. So this one night we had prayed, and I thought, oh, he'll probably want me to get under the covers and just lay there for a second and talk to him about his day. And I lift up the covers and he goes, what are you doing? I said, I was going to get under the covers.

He goes, why? It's like, Mom, get out of here. My feelings were so hurt.

I just kind of flunk out of the room. I started to cry because kids at that age can hurt your feelings. You can feel rejected.

You can feel dumb. And I remember even my sister calling her who had older sons, and she said, Ann, stay the course. Stay the course. Don't let your feelings get in the way. They love you.

They don't always show you, but stay the course. And one of the things I agree with this is our kids wanted us involved even when their friends were over. We had so much food so their friends would hang out, and I would sit and talk to their friends, get to know them. And then they would tell me later, thanks for talking to my friend.

He's really hurting right now. And some of the things you said to him really encouraged him, and even praying for them. And those are some of those sweet moments because they kind of come and go. They come and go. Don't they?

They sure do. You know, one thing, I'm listening to you thinking, one thing we hear from my daughter's friends the most, we try to be that home where the kids come to after the games, and we try to have those parties and those celebrations in the backyard where our kids want to throw those parties and they want to invite their friends. And I'm telling you, the thing we hear the most, that we love the most from our daughter's friends is, we love that you guys love to be together. And we really strive to be that family that creates that atmosphere that we're together. We may not always agree. We may not like always something someone does or may not agree with a choice a family member makes, but we strive to be together. I write a lot in the book about just looking for those moments to be together and remembering that we don't parent based upon how we think our kids will respond to our parenting. And I think that's really important. I have to remind myself of that because my daughters don't always like me. And I've got to be okay with that. I've got to love them so much that I'm okay that they don't like me.

That's not easy as a parent. I remember sitting a weekend to remember. I was the co-speaker of that weekend in Austin, Texas, with Mick Yoder. And Mick was an older speaker, probably, what, 10 years older than I am at least. So he's older than me. He's my co-speaker. So I'm sitting there listening to him talk to the men. We split the men and women up on Sunday morning. And I'll never forget this.

I have probably my oldest was nine or 10 years old, three boys. And he's up there saying this. It's just what you said. He said, when your boys or daughters, your sons or daughters hit teenage years, they're going to push you away. And he goes, that's totally normal. And they should.

Why? Because they're becoming men and women. And they're finding their own identity in life. And he goes, most parents at that point go, oh, okay, they don't want me around. I'm sort of done. And he said, let me tell you guys, when that happens.

I'm sitting back there like, this is two or three years away from me. He said, pursue, pursue, pursue. They need you. They want you in their life, even though they're saying, I don't want you.

They're really insiders saying, are you there with me? And I'll never forget, as a young dad, it was a mentoring moment for me. Like, okay, when CJ, my oldest, hits that age and he's sort of like, okay, dad, you can drop me off a mile from the school or whatever. You know, fight through it. Because I would be the same way. I'd be like, oh, okay, I'm going to respect that and step away. No, it's like, date your daughters.

Hang out with your sons. They really want you. So I'll never forget when CJ hit that. Again, he was sort of doing this, you know, before it was like, yeah, I want to go in the car with you, dad, let's go to the park. And then it was like, no, dad, can you give me the keys? I would remember saying this, and it was like this, okay, CJ's a techie guy.

Every time I said to CJ, hey, you want to go to Best Buy? Sure. He's like, yep, we're in the car. And I'm hanging with him. Austin, you want to go to a bookstore and look at books? Yep.

Cody, you want to go throw a football? Yep. And I just remember, that was all somebody saying what you just said. It's a foundational truth. They really do want you in their life. Key for parents to know that, because we'll step away rather than, and again, we can overdo it.

You know, we're laying in their bed every night when they're 14 and they're like, okay, it's time for me to go to bed. But you know what I'm saying? Just what you said. Okay, so we're done. Let's go to number three. Yeah.

All right, you ready? I'll read it to you. You talk about it. No matter what is culturally accepted, nothing is more authoritative than the truth of God's word.

Yeah, we could talk for hours about this. How can a young man keep his way pure? Psalm 119, by living according to the word. Verse 11, I have hidden your word in my heart so that I might not sin against you. And the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. And verse after verse, we could think of the power of God's word and what it looks like in our lives.

But what does that really look like to unpack that in our homes? You guys know that we live in a world that is screaming to our kids that right isn't right and wrong isn't wrong. And what feels good wins and it feels good to do it.

And it's less about what's right and it's more about what feels right. And so it may not be culture cool to celebrate God's word. But my kids sure are counting on me to be the one to teach them how to celebrate it and how to learn to apply God's word to everyday challenges. I tell my daughters often in a moment of struggle, look for specific scriptures to help you with those specific struggles. And my wife, Amy, she's a master at this.

If you guys were to come into our home in Nashville, well, we'd first take you to Nashville Hot Chicken somewhere in Nashville. But if you were to come into the home, you'd probably have this in your home. And I see it here in the halls of Family Life that my wife has learned to celebrate God's word. And we have scripture throughout the home.

And she writes little notes and lipstick on their mirrors and drops it in their lunchboxes. And we look for creative ways to get God's word into their heart, to get it into their membranes so that they live it out. And we want to remind parents listening today and through the pages of this book, just as you know, the power of God's word and teaching our kids at whatever season of life they're in that God's word works. And sure, the culture may not think it's cool, but man, God's word, it never comes back void.

And we know it is truth and it's powerful and it's life-changing. The headwinds are strong today in particular areas when you think about gender and sexuality, when you think about, as you said, what's right and what's wrong. Kids who are going to say, I'm going to live my life according to God's word are going to be unpopular.

They're going to be out of the norm. They're going to be people who are going to say, well, you're a hater because of how you're choosing to live. We as parents have to prepare our kids for that reality so that they know this is not your ticket to popularity to follow God's word. This is not going to make you everybody's favorite person, but this is going to make you the person that people are going to come to when they're hurting, that they're going to come to when they're really in trouble. When things aren't going the way they want to, they're going to know there's something about that person. Their life has a foundation to it that my life doesn't have.

You just have to get your kids prepped for that because the headwinds are strong. And that's what our Savior did. You remember John 15, there's two or three chapters there where Jesus pulls together his followers. Of course, he knows what's to come, but he pulls them together and he reminds them, hey, the world's going to hate you. There's going to be a time when they're going to throw you out of the synagogue. They're going to kill you and they're going to do so saying they're doing so in my name. And so he goes through two chapters of this and he gets to the end of chapter 16 after he's given them this powerful warning that the world is going to hate you because it hated me first. And what does he say? He says, I've told you these things not to freak you out, but to give you peace in this world. You're going to have trouble, but I'm here and I've already overcome the world. And I listen to you and I think about that challenge Jesus gave us.

Equally, he hands it off to us for us to pay it forward to our kids, to prepare them for these moments. The world will hate you. That's not easily digestible for our kids today. You know this. In this social media, it's all about me driven culture.

Our kids are looking for popularity online and they want to attain the hundred light club on their next post. And so to tell them, hey, embrace God's way and you won't be accepted and popular and cool. Again, that's not something to easily digest for them, but we prepare them as Jesus did for us in the scriptures of knowing that though the world's going to hate you, God's in it with you. There's great peace in that and I find comfort in that. And I think it's important to add, especially as parents, with the authority of God's word for our kids, teenagers and beyond, if it's not real in our life as a parent, they sniff that out in a second. It's like, you know, oh, dad or mom just saying this because, you know, but if they see it like it's the authority in their parents' life, much greater chance it's going to stick in their life. I think for me, even as our kids were growing up, I'm always asking God this question, God, what do you want me to know today? What are you teaching me today in your word?

And so then I would want to overflow into my kids because it's not force, it's overflow. And I can remember the dinner table, like, you guys won't believe what God showed me today or what God's doing or who I talked to today. And I think, especially as teenagers, it's much more palatable to receive it that way, wow, God is really moving in mom's heart rather than you need to be in the word, that kind of thing. They see it. You know, these are foundational principles we've talked about and we can hear some of these things and go, yeah, yeah, I've heard that, I know that, and kind of dismiss it.

But Dave, you were involved in sports long enough to know that you've got to keep coming back to blocking and tackling. You've got to keep coming back to the foundation because as many times as we've heard these things, we have to be reminded, you can't forget it. Yes, your kids, you're the most important influence. Yes, you need to stay involved in their lives. Yes, you need to keep pointing them back to God's word as the source for all of this. These foundational truths are going to make your parenting journey well, you're going to be raising successful teens.

That's what the goal is. That's the name of the book that Jeffrey has written. And in fact, we want to make this book available to any of our listeners who'd like to get a copy today. Go to our website, familylifetoday.com or give us a call at 1-800-FL today and let us know you'd like a copy of Jeffrey's book. We're making it available to those of you who can support the ministry with a donation. The book is our gift to you when you go online to donate at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today.

Make a donation to Family Life today and just ask for your copy of Jeffrey Dean's book, Raising Successful Teens, and we're happy to send it out to you. We appreciate your ongoing support for this ministry. Now, we know that the last several months have been challenging for many of us, for most of us. We've been dealing with stress and strain from unusual circumstances and that puts strain on our relationships with one another. Here at Family Life, we've put together a resource we think is going to help. It's a free resource that we want to make available to you that's called Taking Your Marriage From Good to Great. This gives you access to a couple of online mini courses you can take, one on how to resolve conflict when it happens in a marriage and then a series called Lightbulb Moments in Marriage. We also are including access to messages on marriage from Paul David Tripp, from Dr. Gary Chapman, Vody Baucom, and Julie Slattery, and some conversation starters. There's a whole bunch available in this Taking Your Marriage From Good to Great resource that is available to you for free. Go to familylifetoday.com to get access to all of this content we're making available. And everybody who registers to get the content, you are automatically going to be eligible to win a prize we put together. We'd love to fly a couple to join us here at Family Life for a Family Life Today recording session and then dinner that night with Dave and Ann Wilson.

So again, find out more. Go to familylifetoday.com. Register for the Taking Your Marriage From Good to Great resource and maybe you'll be the couple who join us here at Family Life for a recording session and dinner with Dave and Ann. Whether you win the prize or not, you'll benefit from the content that's available. So go to familylifetoday.com to get the Taking Your Marriage From Good to Great resource. Now tomorrow we're going to continue our conversation about raising successful teens and part of the strategy means you've got to know who your kids are hanging out with, know what's going on in their lives.

You've got to be in their world. Jeffrey Dean's going to join us again tomorrow. Hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.