The Shock of Betrayal

What do we do when we learn that someone we've trusted has been untrustworthy? Phil Waldrop experienced that with a ministry associate, and it hit him hard. The first thing that happens is you think, how could I be so stupid? You know, why didn't I see the signs? And suddenly your precious couldn't get better than this world is shattered.

And when your world is shattered, now you have all of these broken pieces. And you don't know who to trust because, wait a minute, if I can't trust him, can I trust the other people in my ministry? If I can't trust him, can I trust the people at church?

So all of a sudden, you don't trust anybody. This is Family Life Today. Our hosts are Dave and Anne Wilson. I'm Bob Lapeen.

You can find us online at familylifetoday.com. Betrayal can rock our world. So how do we respond? How do we recover? Phil Waldrop joins us today to help us think biblically about betrayal. Stay with us. And welcome to Family Life Today.

Thanks for joining us. You guys know from working with couples, the point where you start to look and go, can this relationship be rescued when trust has been violated in a significant way? The rebuilding of trust is one of the hardest things to do in a marriage relationship and family relationships. And when there's been betrayal, that leads to that breaking of trust.

You've got hard work ahead of you to get to a relationship that can thrive. Yeah, I know how many years ago I walked out of one of my best friend's house after he found his wife in an affair. And she was one of my best friends. Yeah, and they were in, I was in, he still is. John's still in a small group with me and Betsy with Anne, and God did save that marriage. He did, but the betrayal and the hurt and the journey, he did not save it in a day or a month. The journey to healing takes quite a while. I've talked to people who have been the betrayers, who have violated the trust. And even when they're repentant and contrite and they want to rebuild, there's still this question of how long does it take to rebuild?

And I said, there's no answer to that. It takes as long as it takes, but it takes consistent behavior over time. We're getting ahead of ourselves. We've got a friend who's back with us on Family Life Today. Phil Waldrop joins us. Phil, welcome back. Well, thank you.

I am so excited to be back here. I have to tell you, I first heard a message from Phil, we were just talking about this, I don't know how many years ago, a message that you did on Prodigals that is probably the message that I've referred people to. Certainly on that subject, there's been no message that I've said, you've got to listen to this.

In fact, it's on our website at familylifetoday.com. You can go listen to it. You've got me wanting to listen to it. I'm going to go read the book. It's great content on Prodigals. And you've been here before.

We've interviewed you on this. You've just written a book on this subject of betrayal and trust. It's called Beyond Betrayal, Overcoming Past Hurts, Beginning to Trust Again.

And this came out of an experience not in your marriage or family, but in a business situation, a ministry situation, where you experienced significant betrayal. It did. You know, I remember the day well, because you're going through life and everything's just wonderful. Our ministry was clicking along, and I can remember walking out of the house and thinking, Lord, you've blessed us so much.

It just cannot get better than this. And I told my secretary that day, this is a catch-up day. And by that, I mean, this is a day I don't want any appointments.

I don't want to talk to anybody. I just need to catch up on everything, which to her meant, you know, be my guardian. You know, it really needs to be an important phone call. And so when she buzzed my office and she said, there are two men here to talk to you and they need to see you. And I immediately said, well, I don't have time. And she said, no, I think you need to talk to these two men. So after trying to put it off, I said, well, are these ministry friends? And she's like, no, I don't know who they are. And she said, but they have badges. And I thought, okay, this is a joke, right?

And she's like, no, and they're wearing suits. And so I walked out and these two men said, we need to talk to you, walked into my office. I remember it was the first thing that caught my attention was they closed the door.

I didn't close the door. And I sat down, they identified themselves from two different federal agencies. And they said, we got to talk to you.

Well, you know, when people come to your office like that and I'm thinking like, well, maybe they're having personal problems. And I realized real quickly, no, that was not why they were there. And they looked at me. And the first thing they did was we have to swear you to absolute secrecy. And I'm like, well, you know, in ministry confidentiality. And they said, oh, no, no, no, no, we don't mean just confidentiality.

You need to understand what you're about to learn involves a major investigation. And if you even hint to someone who we are or that we came by here, lives could be lost. Including your wife, right?

Including my own life. And I'm like, okay, you have my attention and I really don't want to participate. And basically they said you must. And what they shared with me over the next few minutes was they were investigating a money laundering investigation. And just to be real quick for people who aren't familiar with that, that's where people who are involved in illegal activity, namely drugs, will take money and they mix it with good things. They mix it with legitimate businesses or organizations.

And the idea is when they get on the trail of the money, they can't trace it. And so I am sitting there and I said, okay. And they said, we think that you have an employee who may be involved in this. And I was just in shock because I'm like, we have wonderful employees. They all love God. They're all involved in church. And they said, we need your help. Were they thinking that this employee was running money through your ministry?

They, I think, at one point did. By the time they came to see me, I think they had eliminated that. And it involved potentially some family members. And Phil, was this a friend of yours that they're referring to?

Oh, absolutely. Somebody that I had known for years that had been involved in launching our ministry. The one person that I would have said, I'm an only child. So I don't have any brothers or sisters.

The one person that I would have said was the closest thing to an earthly brother I ever had. So I immediately defended him. That was logical.

It's not true. And they said, well, you can help us to prove that it's untrue. And I don't want to imply I was not in any way an informant or anything like that. They just needed to know some basic things.

And there were some questions they needed regarding some future travel plans that I needed to help them with. And I was willing to do that. But I couldn't tell my wife.

I couldn't tell anyone else. In fact, when they left, they even gave me the cover. I was to tell them that they were trying to help someone at a nearby place near us in Huntsville, Alabama, where NASA is, that was trying to get a higher clearance. And they were there to talk to me about that clearance. Yeah, because your secretary is going to come back to you and say, who are those guys and what were they here for? Absolutely.

So here you are in ministry and you've got a cover story, which is a lie. Right. I mean, you're in a tough spot. You're trying to work with the government, but it was a tough place for you to be.

And this went on for three or four months. Wow. What were you feeling in the midst of this? Well, I was scared because I think any time someone draws a question mark over someone, you immediately wonder, is there any truth to this?

Yeah. Fortunately, three months later, and I met with them and under some very unusual circumstances, much of that I still can't tell, but they have very creative ways of communicating with you. And because they knew someone might be watching me, which is a scary thought. And I just had to tell my wife, just this is the one time you have to trust me. There's something going on.

And looking back, it's almost like a movie. But three months later, one of the gentlemen came to see me and he said, well, I come to bring you good news and bad news. And he said, the good news is your employee is not involved. And I think it's very important to know he was not involved in any illegal activity, nor was anyone in his family involved. They're completely clear.

Thank you for your help. And I said, oh, I'm so glad. It's exactly what I expected. But I remember as he was leaving, he turned around and he said, but as a fellow believer, I need to tell you, you have an employee who's not what you think he is. Nothing illegal, but he's not what you think he is.

Well, that's a bomb drop right there. Well, it is because he wasn't able to tell me what he knew for several reasons. But he told me where to go look. And when I went to look at phone records. Now, of course, this was in the days before we had cell phones and, you know, you had to have a long distance carrier and so on the bills. And I began to realize he was having four or five and six hour long distance conversations with people.

There was no reason for that at three in the morning. And when I began to investigate and I called, I realized he had a very serious issue in his life. And I gathered all the proof because, you know, when someone's betraying you, you don't want to initially admit it because, you know, admitting a betrayal means I have got to deal with it. So a lot of times when there's someone, you know, you see all the signs of maybe someone being unfaithful in marriage, you kind of turn your head because if it's true, I got to deal with it because it's a friend, if it's my spouse or whoever.

You sort of want to believe the best, maybe even put your head in the sand, right? Sure, because you don't want to deal with the pain. And so, but when it became very obvious, so my initial response was I sat down, confronted him, and he was very broken, very repentant. I've got an issue.

I need help. Well, at that point, I'm like, great, you know, we'll work through this. I'll get you counseling. And we did. And then a few months later, I learned he was missing counseling appointments.

There was something always coming up. I found through his wife that he had returned to the behavior. And then I had to have the hard conversation and say, you can't be involved in ministry here. Now, he chose to resign, but I'm glad he did because that probably made it a little easier for me. But then there was a bit of a campaign to try to deny what was true and trying to deal with his wife and going through that betrayal. But for me, it was the pain of how could I trust someone? I mean, because, you know, anytime there's a betrayal, you got an unfaithful spouse, the first thing that happens is you think, how could I be so stupid?

You know, why didn't I see the signs? And suddenly your precious couldn't get better than this world is shattered. And when your world is shattered, now you have all of these broken pieces and you don't know who to trust. Because wait a minute, if I can't trust him, can I trust the other people in my ministry? If I can't trust him, can I trust the people at church? So all of a sudden you don't trust anybody.

And that's where I found my place. And I have to tell you, it took me nearly 20 years to really get to a place, not a forgiving, but where I could say my heart is healed from that experience. And, you know, it puts a question mark on every relationship you have and all of a sudden people are guilty until they prove their innocence. So that affects every relationship you have.

And that's where I was and so I sat down and started through my own experience and through scripture and through friends to learn, you know what? You can get beyond betrayal. You can trust again. And the good news is the sun shines again and life can be good again. But you're saying 20 years. 20 years.

I mean, the sun shines again. I mean, I'm thinking of somebody thinking, okay, this is a really, really good friend for you. If this is my spouse, is it 30 years, 40 years?

I mean, I know every journey is different, but 20 years, that's a long time. I do believe this. I think in a marriage situation in particular, a lot of it depends on the betrayer. You know, if the betrayer is truly repentant, truly broken, and is willing to be an open book, many times when someone is the betrayer, they will, you know, the first thing they say, especially in a marriage is, well, you just need to trust me and get over it.

And I look at people and say, that's easy for you to say. You were the betrayer. And for me, I kept trying to do the big Christian thing. I kept trying to say, well, I've forgiven him. I'm over it. I said, I have forgiven him and I am over it. Well, I wasn't over it. And in reality, I really hadn't forgiven him.

And because there was a lot of financial ramifications and, you know, when something is shattered, it's often the innocent that has to pick up the pieces. And for me, I kept picking up those pieces and I was so angry because I wanted him to be repentant. I wanted him to acknowledge it.

Do I remember this right? When you went to him the first time and laid out the evidence, he seemed to repent. He confessed.

He acknowledged. You thought, like we all do, we want redemption. We want somebody to be healed from that. And you want to give grace.

Right. You thought, oh, this is good and felt like for a while maybe the corner had been turned only to find that that was false repentance. There's a difference between worldly sorrow, I was caught, I was wrong, I'm sorry, and godly sorrow, where you see the fruit of repentance.

You saw worldly sorrow from your friend and coworker, but he was still harboring the behaviors. Well, looking back, I think he feared the consequences I'd been caught. You know, many times those who have been involved in ministry at the local jail will tell you that the person who's a career criminal who's going to be there a long time is much easier to deal with than the guy that got brought in last night for DUI. Because the guy with DUI, I'm going to repent, man, go talk to my wife. They're worried more about the consequences. And looking back, I think he was trying to control the consequences of his behavior rather than being genuinely repentant.

Because when you're genuinely repentant, you are open to accountability. You're open to say, whatever it takes, I'm willing, I'm ready, and I'm able. And for me, I did not receive that from him. And so I had to deal with it in more serious ways. But the big thing was I kept trying to heal him when I needed to heal myself. What do you mean by that? Meaning, you know, we always want the betrayer to change.

You need to do this, this, and this. And I had to realize before I could deal with that, God had to bring a healing in my own heart. That I had to walk through what it meant to forgive. Because much of what I had heard about forgiveness I found not to be the case. And what does forgiveness look like?

And then how do I rebuild my world? And one of the things that really bothered me was he had shattered my dream and my vision. You know, you're going through life and everybody lives, you know, if you're in ministry, you have this vision of this is what we're going to do. And this, you know, I see it in church life. And all of a sudden, a staff member that everyone loves has been unfaithful. Or, you know, you have a child abuse situation in the church.

Make out whatever list you want. And when people go through those experiences, it sets you back. It sets a church back. It sets you back personally.

It sets you back financially. When your world is shattered and you're set back, then you get kind of bitter because now you've got to pick up all these pieces. And sometimes you don't get to fulfill the vision.

You know, I know people who have gone through an unfaithful spouse and the spouse did not want reconciliation. Now, all of a sudden, you're a single mom, you're a single dad. You know, this perfect world of happy mom and dad and two great kids and, you know, the condo on the beach is suddenly shattered.

And so your security is gone. And for me, I knew that was gone. But first, before I could deal with that, I had to deal with the healing in my own heart. And when did you realize you needed to deal with your own healing? Because I know initially, even reading your book, it wasn't like the next week.

I know in my own life, a few years ago, a guy betrayed me on our staff at our church. And I was the guy like, okay, I've dealt with it. I confronted him. He lied to me, blah, blah, blah. Months later, I'm like, I'm good.

I think I'm good. And then his name came up in a conversation and I just exploded. My son looked at me and said, dude, what was that? I'm like, oh, I haven't healed.

I haven't even started the process. So it was like a warning light on the dashboard of my soul going, dude, you got to look at this. When did that happen for you? Well, you know, it's interesting what you said. Two things right there I can identify with. Number one, it was my daughter who said to me, dad, you need to deal with this. Do you think that's typical that other people see it in us before we even realize it? Oh, definitely.

And here's one of the ways you can always tell. If I'm just at a dinner conversation and someone brings up a betrayal in their life, we don't have to be discussing the book, but they just bring it up. Say something nice about the betrayer. My husband, he was unfaithful to me and I just can't believe he did that to me.

So you say, you know, but he was one of the best singers I've ever heard. Say something positive about the betrayer. Watch their reaction. Because if they have to go into character assassination, they haven't dealt with it. Because, you know, when you get to the point where you've really forgiven someone, you may not trust them, that's totally different. But forgiveness means I really do want God's best for you. So when God starts blessing the person who betrayed you, and you can legitimately rejoice in it, now you've worked through it. But you don't get there in a week, you don't get there in a year. For me, it took 20 years.

I know people it's taken longer. But I think it's when you can actually come to the place. It doesn't mean you hire them again. It doesn't mean you have to remarry them.

I mean, with all of those issues. But you come to that place where if God chooses to bless them, I'm not going to be angry at God. You map out a process that you went through and that others can go through in your book, Beyond Betrayal.

And we want to take our listeners into that process this week. But I just am curious how you thought of God in the midst of this. He could have alerted you, protected you, warned you, and yet he allowed this to be a part of the story that he took you on. How did you make sense of that? You know, I have to tell you, that was one of the hardest things that I went through. Because for me, God, why did you have to use someone from the federal government to make me aware of what was going on? And the Lord said, well, but I did use them to make you aware. And I think part of it, it was God's timing. And to understand that in the midst of my pain, God wanted to teach me something. Now, God certainly was not behind his behavior, and I don't want to imply that. But God wanted to teach me something because I really believe that people who have been through deep betrayal have an opportunity to walk through something that our Savior walked through. That until you are betrayed, you'll never understand.

And it helps you to love people and to be Christ-like. And I really did. I was angry at God, you know, not publicly, because we learned the certain ways we're supposed to say. But I was probably angry at God. God, how could you give me a vision?

He'd be a part of it, and then it shattered. But I went through that, and what I found is there was nothing I told God He didn't already know. And so I was very honest. But to come through that and going back and learning and really spending time understanding from Genesis to the Revelation. And so I really came to the point with my personal walk with the Lord. The Lord says, Now I can teach you something through this.

I'm guessing just about every listener, as we've had this conversation, has had a name or names that have come to mind. Absolutely. Because it's the reality of the human experience and living in a fallen world. Betrayal is a part of relationships. The potential is always there. The reality is occasionally there. And when it happens, it's devastating, whether it's in a marriage and family or a work relationship or an old friend, whatever it is. That loss of trust and betrayal is so wounding to our soul. It is deep. That's why names are coming to people's mind. They came to mine. It hurts.

It really isn't superficial. It's down in the soul. And I was thinking, Bob, when you're saying that, how many people thought of my name? You know, that I've hurt them. Because we always think I haven't hurt anybody like I've been hurt, and yet there's probably people that have our names coming up that have had to forgive us. Well, why did you have to say that? I'm not talking about you. No, it's true, though.

When you say that, I'm like, oh, you're absolutely right. I have hurt people, which makes me then go to the next step to, I need to go to someone and ask for forgiveness. Bill's book, as I said, gives us a strategy, a path to walk on if we have been betrayed, if trust has been violated and we find ourselves in that place of pain. We want to make your book available this week to any of our listeners who may be in this spot themselves or you may know someone who has been betrayed recently.

Get a copy of Phil's book, Beyond Betrayal, overcome past hurts and begin to trust again. It's our gift to you this week when you make a donation to support the ongoing work of family life today. Our mission here at Family Life is to effectively develop godly marriages and families.

We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. So when you support this ministry, you help us reach more people more often with the kind of practical biblical help and hope you've heard today. You can donate easily online at familylifetoday.com or you can call to donate. 1-800-FL-TODAY is our number. When you invest in the work of family life today, be sure to request your copy of the book, Beyond Betrayal, overcome past hurts and begin to trust again by Phil Waldrop. We'll send it out to you along with our thanks for your support of the ministry.

Again, you can donate at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-FL-TODAY to donate. Now tomorrow we're going to continue talking about what it looks like to forgive and what it looks like to trust again after betrayal, whether it's in a marriage relationship or any kind of betrayal you've experienced. Phil Waldrop will join us again tomorrow. Hope you can join us as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life of Little Rock, Arkansas, a crew ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.