I talked with a couple one time, and they were both bio parents and step parents. And each of them could say, I know I do this. I put my kids in front of my spouse sometimes. And it drives me crazy when my spouse does this to me. Like they feel both sides of it.
And yet you still sometimes feel stuck. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Shelby Abbott, and your hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. You can find us at familylifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. Well, we're going to have a good day today on Family Life Today.
We've got Ron Deal in the studio, our director of family life blended with us. Ron, welcome. Thanks, Dave. It's good to be with you. I'm not nearly as delightful as Ann is, but I'm here. Yeah, and you're not as pretty as her in my opinion either. Well, thank you. Yeah, Ann is not feeling well today. So it's just Ron and I talking about blended family stuff.
And you know, it's interesting. You're going to hear later in the broadcast about this question I'm going to ask you, Ron. But when you drove or when you're in a car with your family, who is in front of the car? Nan and I were in the front seat, always. And generally, I was driving and generally she's in the passenger seat. Now, long trips, you know, she would drive as well. But if we're just hopping in a car going somewhere in town, I'm generally driving.
That's still true, even though we're empty nest at this point. Yeah, well, you know, when you have kids in the back seat, and it could be multiple, we had three sons, you know, you know, the best seat in the car, in my opinion, is the driver. Because whoever's in the passenger seat has to take care of all the stuff. So I was always wanting to drive. I understand. For me, it's all about being in charge and conquering the road. And, you know, my control thing comes out when we get in the car. There's no doubt about that. I know that about myself.
But yeah, I'm kind of with you. You got to break your neck when you're in the passenger seat. So the question is, why are we talking about this today? Well, you know, sometimes this is a nice little way of thinking about how your home is structured. And relationships within the home, like who's in the driver's seat? Who's also contributing to the driving process?
Who's in the front? You know, we talk about marriage and the importance of marriage in terms of leading and guiding the home. So imagine a situation where you always had to sit in the very back of the car and never had any contribution as dad, husband, father, to direction, distance, how we got there.
You know, you might feel disempowered just a little bit, right? So what's the place of children? What's the place of parents and of the couple? That's what we're going to be talking about. We're going to listen to a conversation you had a few years ago, because it was the host of Family Life Today, previously before Anne and I took over. Dennis Rainey, the former president, founder of Family Life, and co-host Bob Lapine.
Yeah. And many of you recognize and love them and love their voices. And I don't know how many years ago it was, Rod, but you sat down with Dennis and Bob. Where's this conversation going? We had a great conversation talking about blended family life and marriage within the blended family.
And how do you make sure your marriage is the priority relationship within the home? And actually, that's where the conversation started, as you'll soon hear. Dennis was talking about who rode in the front seat of their car. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids on our way to school was, who sat in the front seat? Who got the front seat with Daddy? I'm not kidding you. We had to actually have an allotment, you know, like a... A lottery system?
A lottery system. We either drew for it... Whose day was it? Yeah, we had the whole thing. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I got so weary of starting my day in problem solving with kids. Oh, she sat in it last week, and he's had it three weeks in a row before that, you know, and all that stuff. I just thought, you know, when Mom gets in the car with me... Is there any debate at that point? There was never a debate, because they knew that next to Daddy's heart was Mama. And it's different in blended families, isn't it? Yeah. Think about your scenario.
It's a perfect illustration, Dennis. When Mom gets in the car, there's no question. Mom's in the front seat.
Everybody knows it. And now, one of your kids may go, oh, it's my turn, but okay, I kind of understand Mom rightfully belongs in the front seat. There is no discussion. There's no discussion.
There's no debate. But what if the storyline had been they take their turns right in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture. You're a single dad. And the kid's right in the front. Everybody has their turn.
They belong there. And then you go and marry somebody. And now it's her that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that?
If they had been their territory, their turf, their spot, they've just been displaced. And we may think, well, come on, that's not a big deal. But that represents something. I mean, we're using it as a big deal about where Mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids.
That's exactly right. And I got to say, one of our most popular articles on familylife.com in the blended family section is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it's called Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat. I write about this at length in two of my books, The Smart Step Family and The Smart Step Family Marriage.
Why? Because we have learned this is such a critical, critical dynamic to get right for your blended family to do well. Ron, I was just recently at a weekend to remember marriage getaway talking to a couple in crisis. They weren't sure they could make their marriage work. Blended situation. She brought kids into the marriage.
He didn't have any kids from any previous relationships. And we were having this conversation. And I said to her, I understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss your kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure that you're making up for what you brought into your children's lives. And so at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because emotionally you're thinking, I put them through so much.
I've got to sacrifice him for their sake. That's the impulse a parent feels. Explain why giving into it is the wrong response. And that's a very well worded question. And it's important to the answer.
The impulse is understandable. Of course, you're concerned about their children. As I would say to this woman, your mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don't want to see more pain in the present.
So you want to take care of them and diminish that. And so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat in which he feels in that moment like he's in the trunk. That is a marital issue immediately for the new spouse. So that's why you can't put him in the back seat because you're risking the stability of your marriage. And even though your marriage followed the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home. If you're going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue, all at the same moment. If you're going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat. You have to say to your children, I'm sorry.
You're going to have to go to the back. You're going to have to then deal with their being upset and them feeling like, oh, you mean you love him more than us. And you're going to have to deal with that hard moment.
And by the way, how do you deal with it? A lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC, now get in the back. It's a combination of, I get it, this is hard for you, but he's my husband now. He's going to ride in the front. I'm thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time. You're listening to Family Life Today, and we've been listening to a conversation Ron Deal had with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lapine about a lot of things, but that's a critical question of who rides in the front seat. Now, it's more critical, as you've already heard, about how that relates to our family, not really who's in the front seat of a car, but who is leading and running the family and how important marriage is before the kids.
That's an important discussion that we're going to jump back into. And by the way, this is critical, as you already know, as Ron has said, with blended families. And one of the best things we have at Family Life is our blended family summit, which is training on how to effectively minister to blended families.
As a pastor for 30 years, this was one of the critical needs in the church and a critical area that nobody's doing a lot about. And so we have a summit in Dallas, Texas, October 10th and 11th in Dallas, and you got to be there. You can sign up at summitonstepfamilies.com. I would say go to that right now. Sign up.
You don't want to miss that. This will train you, equip you to strengthen blended families, and we need that and you need that. OK, we're going back to the conversation. We're going to jump in with Ron and Gayla Grace of our Family Life Blended team discussing the idea of putting your spouse in the front seat a little more.
OK, Gayla, I think we just need to pause right there for a minute and talk around some of the things that we just heard. You've been in a blended family for 25 years. It's a yours, mine and ours family. So you're a mom and you're a stepmom. Can you relate to this mom heart, wife heart division thing inside you?
Absolutely. Because the reality is you have a longer period of time with your kids than you do with your spouse. So when you come into this marriage, you naturally have this tendency to perhaps lean on the side of your kids.
It feels natural to do that. And particularly, I think if they have been through a divorce or divorce or death of a spouse, either one, they have walked a hard road and you automatically think, well, my spouse can handle this, but my kids can't. So I'm going to lean on the side of my kids. I think for some biological parents, they've been protector for their kids for so long.
They don't know how to not do that. Even in this moment where it feels like, well, I know my husband should be sitting in the front seat with me. And again, catch the metaphor literally in the car front seat. Yeah. But metaphorically in life, he's my partner. He's with me. We're together on this thing, husband and wife, right?
We lead. So putting him in that front seat or her in that front seat, it's just hard. You know, we should be doing it, but you're still protecting your kids. Right. And I think you said it correctly.
You know you should be doing it. But the actual act of making that happen and putting your kids through that pain of, OK, you're going to be second to this person I've married, even though you know what they've already walked through. And let's get inside this a little bit, because I think this is a big sticking point for a lot of blended family couples. If you feel the awkwardness of, quote, putting them in the back seat, you're probably aware they are feeling that they're being put in the back seat. And so you can kind of project onto them angst and, oh, no, our parent is not standing up for us. Like we're all alone in this moment. Like you're putting him or her in the front seat and not us. Like, here's another change.
Here's another thing we didn't ask for. And in your case, Mom, you just went away and you abandoned us. Like all of those things are rushing through the heart and mind and soul of a parent who cares for their children, of course.
And that can be paralyzing. Well, yeah. And our kids know how to push our buttons. Oh, they do? Yeah.
Yes, they do. Absolutely. And so they know how to make us react.
Those sad faces they know are going to hit a chord with us. Yeah. Yeah. And so that hits you in a moment and you think, OK, I like the way you said that just a minute ago. My husband can deal with this, but I'm not sure my kids can.
So I'm siding with the kids in this moment. And all of a sudden, your spouse has been relegated to the back seat or the trunk. Sometimes it feels.
Right. It's the back seat the first time that happens to them. If it happens repetitively, it's the trunk.
It's going to feel like it. And they know it's the trunk. And they're not laughing like we are. They're not happy about it because now they feel what?
They feel unimportant. Second best. Second best.
Not valued. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I thought we were a team. So I guess we're not a team.
Like, how is this going to work? It can feel defeating very quickly. Right. And sometimes you might have even talked about it ahead of time with your spouse and then you just can't follow through because those sad faces are looking at you.
Yeah. And so then you've got your spouse looking at you. But it's like I said a minute ago, I start thinking, but you're the adult.
You can handle this. I talked with a couple one time and they were both bio parents and step parents. And each of them could say, I know I do this. I put my kids in front of my spouse sometimes. And it drives me crazy when my spouse does this to me.
Like they feel both sides of it. And yet you still sometimes feel stuck. So in the clip and I got to confess something. I think I made it sound too easy. You know, we usually do when we do this kind of work. I said, look, you kind of have to give your kids a little TLC, a little empathy. I realize it's hard.
This is weird. I'm asking you to sit in the back seat and he's going to ride the front seat. And I make it sound like that's just a pretty easy transition.
And it's not. Anytime you change any rule or expectation for your kids, anytime they recognize that you have just given some priority or respect to your spouse in a way that causes some sort of change or sacrifice for their life. The angst comes out, the sadness, whatever that is, the face, as you said, comes out in them. And it's just not easy to make them happy in that moment. Well, and the other thing you didn't even mention is that kid might just start throwing a temper tantrum. Or all of a sudden they're just crying.
And even your spouse at that point might start thinking, oh my goodness, I don't need to be creating this much angst with these kids. Never mind. It's okay.
I'll sit in the back. We're looking for peace here. We're not looking for conflict. Like this is not helping us become a family to one another. Exactly. Right. And so it's easy to just go avoid, avoid, avoid. Don't make the change.
You really can't do that. And by the way, let me be quick to say, step parents, every once in a while, take the back seat voluntarily. Like be sacrificial with your time.
Be gracious towards the children in some ways that are helpful for them. But at the end of the day, as a team, you have to put each other in the front seat because it's not just parenting as a team, it's being married and feeling that you can trust one another in your marriage. And also it's just like other things in marriage. It's not what we say, it's what we do. So if we are saying to our spouse, you know, you're really important to me, I'm putting you above the kids, but then our behavior says something different, then that's really not what we're saying.
Yep. And I think here's the key. If you're chasing everybody's happiness all at once, you will always feel like you're losing. So in this moment, we have to take a deep breath, I think, as parents and say to our children, I love you. I get it.
This is hard. And truly be compassionate for them. Something's changing and they don't want it to change. But to say to them, but you have to sit in the back seat and to walk that out as their parent means they won't be happy, but you will in the same time be creating a new family stability that is good for them. Even though they don't have the maturity to see it or understand it, it is good for them. And so you have to take the risk of making them unhappy. But you know what else you can do, Ron, is at bedtime, then you can go into that child, you give them a hug and you say, I'm so proud of you. I know that was hard today. And I asked something of you that you didn't want to do, but you did it. And I love you.
I will always love you. And thank you for your attitude and how you handled that situation. Great idea. Wrap some more TLC on the back end and really, you know, tune in to what's going on for them.
That's the win scenario. They're unhappy in the moment, but later you're kind of giving them a little extra love, a little extra hug, if you will, and then continuing forward to walk that out. Let me ask you one more thing. There was a word used. We talked about the word territory. It's not the new step parents territory to ride in the front seat. The kids have owned that territory during the single parent years.
I think sometimes people have a little reaction to that word. Like, wait a minute, they're children. They don't have any territory.
They don't own anything. What I meant by that is kind of their emotional space where they feel safe. The routines of sitting in the front seat, of knowing what's predictable in life, especially when you've had the rug pulled out from underneath you a few times as a kid. It's really important that you maintain stability.
So any other change feels like a violation of my territory. That's where we need that extra TLC and empathy and compassion. And yet you have to say, yeah, but you still got to ride in the back seat. But I think we're honoring their feelings with how we handle that whole situation and acknowledging that they do have hard feelings about this and we understand it, but we're still the one in control. We're still the one who's making the decisions about what the child needs to do. We've been listening to a portion of the Family Life Blended podcast with Ron Deal, and I've got Ron sitting here with me. You know, Ron, you and Gayla were just talking about that back seat deal. There can be an angst in a child sort of being put back there. How do we deal with that?
Yeah. So keep in mind that child has been riding in the front seat with single parent dad or single parent mom for some period of time. And there's been a lot of transition. Now there's another transition that's come into their world. And now they got to sit in the back seat when they were used to being in the front.
It's just a big metaphor. And it's really helpful, I think, for parents to pause and think about the demotion. I mean, that's the angst you were talking about. Moving to the back seat feels to kids a little bit like I got demoted because, I mean, I don't know about you, but when I was a little kid, I couldn't wait to ride in the front seat. You know, I had two older siblings and, you know, one of the parents had to not be there for me to have a chance. And it took forever for me to ever be able to ride in the front seat.
And when you finally get there, the last thing you want to do is have to go to the back. That's the heart of this child is they feel like something's changed again and I am being pushed out of the place I want to be. It's really helpful when parents can slow down and consider that. It doesn't mean, as Gayla was just saying there, it does not mean we let kids run the show, but it does mean that we move them to the back with some generosity, with some compassion, with some understanding.
Yeah. I mean, there has to be, as you already said, a conversation. I mean, the child has to understand why. I remember I was always in the front seat with my mom and when I was a teenager, she started dating a man pretty seriously. And I remember one time going out to dinner and I got in the front and my mom just looked at me like, what are you doing? And I'm like, oh, I had no idea until that very moment like, oh yeah, I shouldn't be in the front.
They should be in the front. And I felt that angst. I was sort of like, who's this dude walking in my life? Because I was older. You know, I was in middle school. I think I was 14 years old and I just, it was like, it felt like a demotion. And if I'm hearing you right, Dave, there was a part of you that sort of knew, oh yeah, that's right. Somebody else is here.
I need to get in the back. And yet at the same time, you recognize there's some measure of respect here for this guy, but still it feels like I'm being demoted. And that's exactly the point that we're trying to make to help parents understand this.
And by the way, it's not just parents as in biological parents, but the step-parent really needs to have a heart for this. When you're coming in and you're going, yeah, I belong in the front and somebody sort of pressing against that idea, it can feel like rejection. And it's not.
It's just a kid who loves to ride in the front seat, so to speak. And as you just mentioned in your example, you're just used to it. It's just the way life has been is you've had the chance to ride in the front seat with mom and now something else has changed. And we never had a conversation.
That would have been nice. And it could have been me bringing it up, but my mom didn't either. But a simple conversation, isn't that right, Ron? The parents saying to their son or daughter, hey, I know what you're probably feeling. Let's talk about it, right?
Yep. And every once in a while, a child will push back a little bit and you can lovingly, calmly say, I get it. This is hard. You don't want to ride in the back.
I love you, but you're going to do it anyway. That is the magic combination for parents of all shapes and sizes with children. Love, compassion, calm.
You maintain yourself and set boundaries and walk them out. Now I'm guessing this is some of the kind of stuff you talk about at the Summit on blended family. Talk about that a little bit. You know it is. We've had UNN part of the Summit in the past. This is a great event. It's the premier event helping church leaders, lay couples, anybody who cares about blended families know how they can respond in their church, in their community. And we're back in person again this year in Dallas, and it's a great event to network, connect with other people, hear what's working for different folks, share what's working for you.
Everybody benefits from one another. It really is a lot of fun. Those dates again, October 10 and 11, we're going to be in Dallas. Summit on stepfamilies.com is where you can get all the information and register. Yeah, I'd encourage you to sign up right now. Don't wait.
Just sign up right now. And tomorrow, there's more to this conversation. So come back and join us tomorrow. You're going to hear a lot more. I'm Shelby Abbott and you've been listening to Dave Wilson with Ron Deal on Family Life Today. As Ron was talking about, we care about stepfamilies.
We really do. And so if you want to learn a little bit more about the Summit on Step Family Ministry happening from October 10 through the 11th in Dallas, Texas, you can check out Summit on stepfamilies.com to learn a little bit more about this event. And you know, we really believe in reaching blended families here at Family Life. And if you want to make your mark on reaching blended families, families anywhere, you can make a contribution to ensure Family Life's ongoing support for reaching families with the gospel. Our goal this month is to raise $250,000 in new funds by the end of August.
And we'd love for you to partner with us in order to see that goal achieved. Every donation that you make is going to come with a thank you gift. And that gift is going to be a limited edition Family Life pen along with a copy of Brant Hansen's Unoffendable. Brant's one of our favorites here on Family Life Today, and we'd love to send you a copy of his book as a thank you for your donation to reach more families with the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You can head over to familylifetoday.com to make your donation. Now coming up tomorrow, Ron Deal is going to join Dave Wilson again to ask this question, who comes first in marriage? How do you communicate that well in the process? Well, Ron Deal and Dave Wilson are going to talk about just that. We hope you'll join us. On behalf of David Ann Wilson, I'm Shelby Abbott. We'll see you back next time for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a donor supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
