Hey, why don't you tell everybody one of your favorite Bible verses?
Okay, I will because it's Psalm 119, 105. And that verse says, Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path. I mean, what an awesome. Bible verse that reminds us how scripture lights the way in marriage and parenting and basically everything else. And we're super grateful to the Christian Standard Bible for supporting this podcast.
Yes, and just for their work in helping people read God's Word clearly and faithfully. To learn more, go to csbible.com. I found this week, I'm like, what am I doing scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, looking for some funny reel or somebody talking theology or another home run? I mean, it's just like, what a waste of. Time.
But we're all hooked to it. And you're sitting over there doing the same thing. And so we're in the same room, but we're distracted. After days, weeks, months of this, you're like, we have drifted. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most.
I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifetoday.com. This is Family Life Today. It's just you and me in the studio today. Yes, it is.
Well, it's you and me. Me and my man. You and me and our cell phones.
So let's talk about the third person in our marriage. You mean your girlfriend, your other girlfriend? Go ahead, tell our listeners and our watchers.
Okay. You know, we're talking about these devices that we've got in our hand right now. In marriage, we've talked about them, but we haven't necessarily talked about them in our marriage. And I'm just going to say, this has been a source of conflict for us over the years to the point where I started calling your phone your other girlfriend. Like, we'll be on the couch watching this movie, and I want you to engage.
You don't need to get asked. No, we're engaging, like, can you? This is so good. And I'm looking at you like for your look of approval, like, isn't this so good? And you're on your phone.
Like, oh, you over there talking to your girlfriend? I'm like, I'm like, You're missing the moment. Literally look down for one second. No. Let me tell you.
Because you watched it with it on your hand. I took a picture of you today driving to the studio. Because every time we get in the car, and I'm not exaggerating, this is 100%. We get in the car, I start driving, and yeah, I look over, and you're like. Every time.
I'm like, what are you doing? Oh, I got to get all my email stuff. It's like, you don't even. That wasn't. You're not even in the car with me.
It's like my wife over there was, I'm going to call your boyfriend. I had already begun. You're going to have to be a blue boyfriend or whatever color you got going now. I had already started working. That's my work life right there.
I'm like working hard.
Well, there you go. Whatever it is. It's not me. I'm not your center of attention and I should be. You're right.
I get in the car because I've been busy. I can sit down for the first time. By the way, tell them how many times you lose your cell phone a day. Yeah. I've counted.
She's up to 4.8 times a day, every single day. You want to hear something funny? We were doing a marriage conference in Arizona several years ago with three NFL couples. They're just a small little. Intimate retreat at this house.
No, I was just it was three quarterbacks anyway and their wives and so we're driving to go have lunch together and Ann's like, oh, I don't know where my phone is.
So what did you do? You did the find my phone. I have an Apple Watch so I can find my phone. And so I ding it and I hear it like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's in the backseat.
So I go, we're good. It's in the car somewhere.
So we get to the restaurant, which had to be four or five miles away. And she can't find it in the back and then the guy who's getting ready to park our car goes, Oh, hey, there's a cell phone on the back bumper. It made it all the way to the restaurant bouncing around on the bumper. It's because Jesus loves me. He takes care of me.
I had a little angel sitting back there holding my cell phone on the bumper.
So you're saying angels want us to have cell phones in our marriages? Is that what I just told? I'm saying some of you are thinking, what are we doing today? I think this is an important conversation to have in your marriage because it creates conflict, it creates separation. It creates a drift many times, and we can be resentful, we can tease about it, or else we can just give up and we're just like not interacting with one another.
So I think it's a good conversation because it not only affects your marriage, but it affects your parenting too, and your relationships with your friends. Yeah, and you know, your kids have phones. Yes. And we are modeling. To our kids.
That's probably why it's worse for us now,'cause our kids aren't in the home.
So let's talk about cell phones, digital, and marriage. Cause uh we just did a a marriage conference at our church. in Michigan and we did a session on cell phones. Which I'm like, are we really going to spend a whole session on it? And when I walked around the lobby after, and by the way, we talked about sex in one of the sessions, cell phones, and identity in your marriage.
And the biggest response I heard was the cell phone talk. Yeah. It's like we really, really needed that. And so, I mean, cell phones have become like an addiction. It's like you can't go anywhere without this thing in your hand.
Do you feel like that? Like, when it's not in your hand, you're like, where is it? I can't function. Because I feel like that. It's when I get in the car, then I'm like, oh, where's my cell phone?
Well, it's funny.
Well, maybe this will be funny. I think it'll be funny. There was a guy back in our history named Randy Stonehill.
Some of you are old enough to remember Randy Stonehill. He was back in the 70s with Larry Norman when Christian music just started. And he's an acoustic guitar player.
So I love this guy. We've seen him in concert many times. And he would always put on one of his albums like a funny song. Like he had one song called American Fast Food, What a Stupid Way to Die. Think me.
He had one about TVs and he had one about smoking. It was called Lung Cancer. She's working on lung cancer emphysema. And I thought, I'm going to take Randy Stonehill's song and make it about cell phones.
So here it is. This is uh my version. of a stone hillside. And trust me, this is a 60s feel. You're not even liking this, are you?
I love it. Here we go. He went down to Verizon store and bought an iPhone 16. And don't you know tomorrow he'll be back for more? Cause he really loves a whole bad thing.
Everything. Every time that he gets a call, his brain lights up with dopamine. That's true. He's just one step closer to a digital high. And 50, 1500 closer to broke.
He's been working on A phone addiction. Digital cancer A merry John the Rocks. If he doesn't get a handle on this ditch Yeah. His family won't endure the shock. He's been working on a A B D I C T I O A.
You're supposed to sing harmonies. A digital fever might be his end. AD. D D I C T I O A Don't let the spoon destroy your den. You gotta.
Put the phone Down. Put the phone down. I don't know if that's going to make it past the edits. That was pretty bad. I like that you're looking at the camera the whole time.
You're such a show, man. Anyway, it's a fun, stupid little song about the truth, is, and it is. When I put that little line in there about dopamine, talk about what happens to your brain. It lights up. I mean, it feels good.
And so. And it's true. When we get on our phones, it just there's this natural, like we just settle in because we get dopamine hits. I thought it was interesting that our sons, when they started having kids, they started confronting you. Oh, thanks.
Thanks. You're just going to bring that up. I was going to say us, but it was like, yeah, it was you. What do you mean, me? Because you would go over to their house and you're like on your phone, and you have really changed.
I feel like you don't do that with them anymore. You think?
Well, talk about how you confront our sons about their phone use. We go over to their house and you're like in their face, like, get off your phone. I'm like. They're adult men now. You can't tell them what to do.
You've done that, haven't you? Yeah, because I feel like we're going over their house and we're like, we're here to see you. And they're on their phone. Like, I want to talk to you. That's why I came over to talk to you guys.
So, yes, I'm not very good that way. I should say nothing. That's what I'm saying. Of course, they're probably modeling what they've seen. Yeah.
So let's talk about the cell phone and your marriage. Here's a couple of thoughts. The first one would be this. Marriage attention leads to marriage affection. Explain it.
So whatever you're giving your attention to. You develop a relationship with.
So obviously, if that attention is focused in on your spouse and you're giving attention to your wife or to your husband. Affection develops. I mean, it can also lead to conflict, but man, when you're like, my eyes are locked in, I'm going to be focused on you, not like. You're talking, and I've got the phone in my hand, or even on my leg, you know, and we think, oh, well, it's, it's off. I mean, it's on vibrate.
But what happens when you're talking to me? Would this happen on the couch? And my phone goes. And everything in me, because we're so trained, the dopamine in my brain starting to say, reward, reward, reward. I got to see it.
And it's like, I can feel it on my, and you even can. And so I'm like, I mean, I'm fighting this thing. Like, I want to give my attention to her, but I want to see what it was because maybe somebody's asked me to play golf or something. You know, it could be a, you know, a post of social media. It's just crazy.
But the second you do this. What's it say to your spouse? If we're not in a big conversation, it's not that big of a deal. But if we're in something deep or a conflict or something that really matters, and the person's like, oh, looking down, and then they open it, it's really hurtful. And so I think what I can do at times, I'm like, oh, so you're not even paying attention.
Right. You don't even care. And I think we can all do that. And it's easy too, especially if you're in a relationship where you have conflict and you keep having conflict. It's just an easy escape.
And I think that's a big deal. Hey, Dave Wilson here to talk about the Love Like You Meet It Marriage Cruise. It's the best cruise in the world to save your marriage, help your marriage, enhance your marriage, and also have a lot of fun in the sun. Leaves out of Florida February 13th through the 20th. You're gonna love it.
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There is a little reel of Simon Sinek, corporate speaker, writer, author. You probably recognize his name. But he's on stage and he says. What happens when you're in a conversation with somebody and you have this in your hand? You have a cell phone in your hand.
He goes, You know what happens? It says to everybody in the room, you're not the most important person. Even if it's just in your hand. Yeah, if it's in your hand. And he says.
And it's convicting because he says, you know, you go out to lunch with your friend or your spouse or anybody, and you know, what we do to say, okay, it's in my hand, we put it on the table and we even turn it over so we don't see it. He goes, It still says. You're not the most important person. This is. And if something happens that I need to, he goes, get rid of it.
He throws the thing down. He goes, it should not be, you don't need, you can get through. This hour without a cell phone. I don't know if you know this, they've done research, doctors have done this. If you don't have your cell phone around you for an hour, you'll still live.
Did you know that? They've proven you'll still live.
Well, think about, like, I'm going to ask you as a listener, before you go to bed. Do you look at your phone? Like, is it beside the bed? Like, for me, it is because I have my alarm on my phone. And also, is it the first thing you do in the morning?
Is pick it up and look at what's going on. Obviously. We have to get a handle. I mean, it isn't like we're going to live in a world with no digital cell phones. We're going to have, we just have to.
We have to have boundaries. But the truth is, and this is what our second point was. At the conference, marriage distraction leads to marriage drift. And I think that's really true. Distraction in any area, it could even be video games, whatever it could be, but when we're both distracted, We kinda disconnect from each other in every way.
Yeah, it's interesting. Remember our first year of marriage? Yes. We uh I think we're sitting at the weekend to remember. Uh two weeks before we got married and Dennis Rainey said something about Pretty sure it's in the book of Deuteronomy.
Which said men in those days, when they got married, did not go to war for a year. It was a principle to say you need to stay home and build your new marriage to a place of stability, and then you can come back and do your job basically. And so We decided first year of marriage, no T V. Remember that? Yeah.
We had one. We put it in the closet. Yes. Deuteronomy 24:5. Yeah.
The only time I really struggled, and we might have pulled it out, was for the Super Bowl. Yeah, we pulled it out. I'm like, we got to pull it out. We also pulled it out at Christmas because we watched one movie and we had never seen it before. It's a wonderful life.
Awesome movie. But do you remember what we did that? I mean, there were no cell phones back then, but it was like TV or anything could have been a distraction. Yeah, you don't talk, you just watch. And we built.
Our marriage, because what do you do? You sit and you talk. Communicate. It was probably our year that we fought the most because it was our first year we're figuring things out. But also, I'm thinking if we did have the TV out or if we had a phone, it's really easy just to not engage with each other because it's hard.
difficult and that's easy and you do get dopamine hits you know I found this week. I'm like, what am I doing scrolling through Facebook or Instagram, looking for some funny reel or somebody talking theology or another home run? I mean, it's just like, what a waste of time. But we're all hooked to it. And you're sitting over there doing the same thing.
And so we're in the same room, but we're distracted. And I think the point is, you look up after days, weeks, months of this, you're like, we have drifted. We've said here many times, drift is natural. You're gonna the only way you get oneness is you gotta work at it. And part of it is maybe we encourage our listeners and ourselves to do a digital Sabbath.
Yeah. Maybe it's a day. We have a son that does that. Maybe it's an hour a day. I don't know.
I mean, this is going to be convicting for a lot of you, but especially if you have kids in your house, what would it look like when you came home from work or you stopped work if you're working at home and you said, hey, from five o'clock. To eight o'clock, there are no phones going on in the house. We're going to engage with each other. You know what I remember about that first year of marriage? Is we played a ton of games and we laughed.
I remember our workouts, we'd work out together and we would laugh our heads off. I remember doing sit-ups at the top of the stairs and running sprints in the stairs.
So I could go beyond horizontal, and you'd hold my legs, and I'd, you know, we should do that again. But those card games. We would fight and laugh. Like that connection is from God, and it's this gift from God.
So, hey, if you're listening or watching and you're like, we're going to do this, shoot us an email. Yeah. We'd love to hear what your plan is to get a grip on the digital part of your marriage.
Okay, let's ask the booth. What would you do, Bruce? Or Chancell, if your spouse came and said, had really like to do, let's not be on our phones. A digital fast. A fast from even if it's five to eight, or maybe it's a Sabbath, a Sunday.
Yeah. And what, how would you guys do that?
So there's two things. One, I would want to. But I wouldn't want to. No, it's kind of like exercising. It's like what I feel like is not exercising, but what I want is to exercise.
So, would I feel like doing the fast from the phone? No. Do I want to? Yes. So I.
In my heart of hearts, I would appreciate that, but I would definitely not love it. Is there a way to approach your spouse if they're like, this is dumb, I don't want to do it? Maybe we make it really simple: like, hey, let's try it once a week. Yeah, I would definitely do it, but I feel as though, to your point, like, there would probably need to be. Let's do this instead of doing that.
So, in other words, like, Hey, let's watch a movie together instead of. Being in separate places of the house and on our phone, or hey, let's go for a walk, or hey, let's go out to dinner. We're gonna leave our phones at home. I think just to say, like, let's be off our phone, yeah, maybe, like, okay. Then what?
Yes. Yes. Strategize what to do instead of. Yeah. That's so funny you say watch a movie together, which is great.
But like, I've, Marie and I have said that before. Like, we'll both be in bed just scrolling on our phones, watching shorts. And it's like, oh, let's not waste the night. Let's do something. Let's watch a show together.
Like, that's how low the bar is. That like doing something is watching a show. Oh, I could put another screen. Another screen. Yeah, that's true.
But I tell you, when we watch a movie together and I look over and you're on your phone, it makes me mad. Me too. I'm really mad at her. Like, share this moment with me. That, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made the mistake of saying. When you're on your phone scrolling endlessly, it's unattractive to me. Which. She immediately was like, you know what's unattractive to me is when you play video games. I was like, Yeah, but I'm accomplishing something.
You're getting to the next level. Getting to the next level. Level. Yeah, exactly. But no, yeah.
I know we can totally judge each other. But I think it'd be an interesting conversation to have with God. Like, God, what does this look like? And just, and even talk to each other about it. Like, what does this look like for our marriage, for our family?
What could it look like? Are we satisfied with where we are right now? Yeah, which is. You know, brings you to another thought that we haven't even talked about: is this device. This device Pointing to your iPhone if you're listening, just listening to iPad could lead to sin as well.
Oh, yeah. I mean, one of the stats I just came across says this: 75% of men. And 45% of women admit to viewing pornography in the last 30 days. 50% of men said no one knew about their struggle. 84% said they have no one helping them.
with their struggle. And again, This is an amazing tool. It's amazing. The Word of God, we can. We can share Christ on this digital device.
It's an amazing blessing. There's a lot of good. But it's a portal. To evil. And not only that, like that is a huge area, but even comparison.
Like you can watch reels. You can watch these things about these husbands that this one husband just dances with his wife in the kitchen every night. I'm like, I wish Dave would dance with me in the kitchen. Or, or another one is like, I will never let you, you know, do take out the trash. This is my job.
You know, and every woman's like, oh. I wish my husband would say that.
So it's the comparison thing, too. Yeah. So, anyway, just. You know, just a heads up. Uh, be very careful.
I mean, there's got to be boundaries, restrictions. Um, and I will say, I have total access to your phone. Yeah, I know your passwords, I know everything. Your spouse should have you can pick it up anytime you want, look at anything. If you're hiding that from your spouse, that's a that's a red flag.
Yeah, I mean, it's just like, and you need like guys, we need men in our life to check us, to ask us questions about that. And your spouse, women need the same thing. I remember one time. I was going to dinner. We're on a Lions Road trip.
So we're in a hotel in a city somewhere. And Dan Orlaski was one of our backup quarterbacks and I decided to have dinner that night and I go down to his room. It's just down the hall on our In the hotel, and his door was, you know, the lock was open. And so I push open the door, hey, Dan, let's go. And He's not there.
There's nobody there.
So I'm like, where is he? He's not even there. And then so I called him and he's down in the lobby. He goes, Dude, I'm down in the lobby. I'm waiting for you.
So I shouldn't tell you this, but before I left his room, I took toilet paper and T P'd the whole room. pretty funny. We could do those things, right? It's fun.
So when he came back, there's toilet paper all through his hotel room. Anyway, I go downstairs. To meet him and go to dinner. And many people know Dan Orlaski. He's a ESPN broadcaster now.
More famous now than he ever was as an NFL player. But I said to him, I said, dude, why did you leave your door unlocked? He said, Dude, I never lock my door on road trips because I don't ever want to be alone and have that door locked and get in trouble with something on the TV or my phone.
So I want a teammate to be able to walk in any second. And that helps me. Take care of temptation in my life. I'm like, whoa, that's pretty cool.
So, I mean, all that to say. What? Boundaries do you have? What safeguards are you employing? I think it would be just a great conversation to have with your spouse, with your family, with your kids of what's your goal?
What do you want this to look like as a family? Yeah. So at the end of the day, I think I would say: if you want your marriage to thrive, if you want your family to thrive, it's this simple: get your eyes off of this and get them on this. And this, I'd say go vertical and go horizontal. Put them on your family.
Put them on your spouse. Put them on your God. Put them on the word of God. If you're going to use your phone, use it to. Do the one year Bible or study your word.
And I'm thinking of Romans 12:2, which says, Paul says, Don't be conformed by this world, which is when we're on our devices, we're being conformed to the world, even the algorithms. But be transformed by the renewing of your mind. How do we renew our minds? We're in the word. We're talking to God.
Like, that's the best place to go. Yeah, I wrote this. We wrote this at the end of our talk at the marriage conference. What if you treated your spouse? like your phone.
Think about it. What if you responded to your spouse as quickly as you responded to a text?
Some people don't respond to texts very quickly, but I do. What if you carried their words in your heart the way you carry your phone in your pocket? What if you checked in with them as often as you check your apps? It would change everything. Here's the last thought.
Your phone isn't the enemy, but it's a competitor. And every day you're casting votes with your attention.
So here's the question: what or who is getting the best of you? Because the marriage you want tomorrow. Is built by the attention you give it today. And by the way, if you want help in your marriage, we have put together some of our best stuff on marriage. It's at familylife.com/slash marriage help.
So it's yours for free. And again, it's familylife.com/slash marriage help. And if you want, a great resource, I think it's one of the best books ever written on marriage is the one we wrote a few years ago called Vertical Marriage. And you can get that at familylife.com as well. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a crew ministry celebrating 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.
Yeah.
