Stop Sabotaging Your Marriage: Ted Lowe

Hey, why don't you tell everybody one of your favorite Bible verses?

Okay, I will because it's Psalm 119, 105. And that verse says, Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light on my path. I mean, what an awesome. Bible verse that reminds us how scripture lights the way in marriage and parenting and basically everything else. And we're super grateful to the Christian Standard Bible for supporting this podcast.

Yes, and just for their work in helping people read God's Word clearly and faithfully. To learn more, go to csbible.com. Uh Okay, let me ask you something. I'm a little scared. I don't know what you're gonna ask.

Do you feel like you've ever sabotaged our marriage? Oh my goodness. My first thought is I've sabotaged it. Countless times every year. Really?

Oh, and things I've said or done. I mean, forty-two now, forty-three years. Yeah, I think I've sabotaged every topic. I think you've sabotaged it more than I have. Probably.

Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at FamilyLifeToday.com. This is Family Life Today. I am.

I honestly think, man, if I had done better in year one and year five and 10, we could be. But here's the thing. I also, when I say that out loud, feel like the grace of God has been so good. Here we are sitting and I look at you and I love you more than I ever have. And the good news is we've learned the hard way in so many different ways that we can maybe help other people not sabotage their marriage the way we have.

Yeah, so today we're going to talk about five ways to stop sabotaging your marriage. And we've got the guy to do it. Ted Lowe is back in the 60s. I'm so excited, Ted. You're here.

Guys, I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me. And you're over there thinking, what in the world are we really going to talk about? No, I kind of love it. Like watching you guys talk to each other like this.

It's super refreshing. It's not like what I experience on a regular basis.

Well done. How many years you've been doing marriage ministry? Since 2001.

So you are the guy to tell us how to stop sabotaging our marriage? marriage. And we've interviewed you before on your book called Us in Mind.

So maybe you've heard some of this, but I think these are going to be really good. Yeah, one of the things you mentioned in Us in Mind, How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage is five intentional thoughts.

So I'm guessing you would say, and I agree, that these will, if you do these, you'll stop doing these. Because like the first one, remember who I am, I think we often do the opposite. We don't know who we are and that destroys a marriage. How does that destroy a marriage? Yeah, like we talked about the last time I was with you guys, you know, our thoughts, you know, they're not our actions or attitudes.

I know I sound repetitive, but our thoughts are not our actions or attitudes, but they lead to both. And what I've found after doing this for a really long time and didn't even really do the math on it until a couple of years ago is most of us aren't thinking about what we're thinking about. We just trust our thoughts as if they're going to always lead us in the right direction and as if they're always true and as if they're always helpful and as if they're always kind. And so the book kind of revolves around that. It revolves around, okay, how do we become more intentional with our thoughts?

How do we, you know, boss our thoughts instead of our thoughts bossing us? And so, you know, the first one was, you know, to remember who I am. You know, I think one of the things that's been the most powerful for me personally and ultimately for my marriage is remembering whose I am. I think we can complicate Jesus and God in so many ways, but just to go back constantly that we are his child, that we are his. I feel like there's been a few times I feel like God has whispered things to me, not audibly, but just on my heart says, you'll become a man in your world as you become a child in mine.

And so, you know, kids are always looking for approval, looking for worth. Looking for value. But I feel like when I remember who I am, I'm already a man here, but I just. You know, when you're a child, his child, then you lean back and you trust him. To be him and you to be you, and he's way bigger than us, and that's really, really good news.

And he's adores, he adores us, right? And we listen to critical thoughts more than him. And I think it breaks his heart. The thought I've had before, too, it'd be like our kids coming home and telling us what a bully had said to them all day. Yeah.

And then looking at us and going, Hey, you know, all the things you've told me my whole life, I believe the bully more than you. That would break our hearts.

So I know it's got to break the heart of God when He's like, Oh, why don't they listen to how much I love them? And so, just the simplicity of that is somebody going, Oh, I am.

So loved, I can breathe. There was a girl that I worked with. She came to my house. She had tried to commit suicide three times. And it was after her freshman year of college where she had an injury and she couldn't play soccer anymore.

And so. she couldn't perform at the level that she once Performed. And so she sat down on my couch and I asked her, Who are you? And she said, I'm a soccer player. I said, that's what you do, but who are you?

And she said. I have no idea. If I can't do that anymore, I don't know who I am. And so I shared the gospel because that's what gives us our worth of what Jesus did for us. She ended up a few weeks later, she gave her life to Jesus.

And here's what we think when we do that, like, now I'm free. I can live in this. But for years, she had been believing the fret in her head. And so it takes practice. What I saw was that I went to this conference with her and she's amazing.

She's beautiful. She's smart. She's funny. She adds so much to every group she's with. But as we're in this group, all of a sudden, She's with us.

In physical form, but her mind is gone. And I remember pulling her aside and I said, Where are you? She said, I don't belong here. I'm not good enough to be with these people. They don't understand who I am and what I've done.

And that's what you're saying. I felt like, and I said, I remember lifting her head and I said, Jesus knows who you are. He knows that you're here. He loves you. This is who you are.

You're a daughter of the king. The Holy Spirit lives. The God who created the universe lives in you. And we need the fullness of who you are. Like, I need the fullness of who you are.

And I love that's what you're saying, Ked. Like, if we don't know that, we become lost in ourselves. I didn't know this show had music. It just comes in out of nowhere. It just is kind of amazing, isn't it?

I'm not really sure what's happening, but I'm sort of loving it. It's exciting, isn't it? It is. Are you guys breaking in puppy's necks? Like, I don't think I'm gonna be any happier than I am at this moment.

Uh Everything's better with music behind it, right? No, I mean this is a course we've all probably heard that came out years ago. And you know, at church I'd play bass, I didn't usually sing, but when the singer would sing this lyric, I thought. I would tear up because it's our identity. It's what you're saying.

You know what it is. I'm no longer a slave. With you, I am a child of God. I mean, it's a simple phrase. And yet, you know, I don't know if you remember the bridge.

I am surrounded. Look at that. By the arms of the Father. I am surrounded. My songs are.

Love, deliverance. I mean, you can go on. The reason I would tear up is like something in my soul was saying, that's who I am. That's who we are. And that when you bring into your marriage, you're right.

That's not going to sabotage a marriage. That's going to build.

Well, that song is based off the verse that chapter is based off of. The spirit killing you is not that of a slave that lives in fear. That's good. How great is that? The spirit capitalists.

The Holy Spirit. It's brought about your adoption into sonship. And so he's, hey, don't, you're safe. You're adopted. Like, I'm doing all the dad stuff.

I remember I'd say to our kids when they were little, that's a big people problem. You don't have to worry about that. You go be a kid. That's a big people problem. I got this.

Especially our daughter. She was anxious. No, no. And I think sometimes, no, no, no, Ted. This is a God problem.

This is not for you. You just go, you feel loved and live loved. That's good. Yeah, that's good stuff.

So that's this one. That's a good one because when we remember who we are, we bring the best of ourselves to the table with our kids and our marriage. And number two: if you want to sabotage your marriage or your family, see the worst. You say, see the best. Yeah, it's something that happy couples do.

And I don't know if they do it because they learned it. I don't know if it's because their brains are naturally wired that way, but they see the best. their spouse but i do believe that we can all learn it and start to see it philippians 4 8 gives us a really great filter of thinking you know whatever's true whatever's noble whatever's pure whatever's right whatever's lovely if anything is praiseworthy anything something we got to start there is there anything because people will say to me there's nothing oh yeah that's what i hear oh yeah especially when they're and they're fired up about no no that does not work that works for everybody on the planet but me uh and i get it but again verse starts with true and you can deal with some really hard things when it's true and then you know what you're dealing with because you're starting with truth not denial okay what is true about our situation what's true about them uh but just see the best what i'll say to couples like let what you love about your spouse block the view of what you don't like start there like what is you and And if you want to come back to those things, great, but what do you love about them? Because you love something about them at some point. Like, and what's so, you'll watch a couple that are really frustrated sitting across from me.

And when I can't get anywhere with him, I'm like.

So, wow, you guys, boy, this is tough. Like, how'd you get together? Their body language will change the way they start focusing, and they just did see the best in each other. And the way they treated each other was so great. We get so.

You know, life is hard, it gets going fast. And we stop seeing the things. We start going. We're just thinking our spouse becomes, you know, a hindrance to getting away of getting the things we got to get done. And we start comparing our life compared to their life, thinking that we are doing so much more.

100%. The number one time couples are fighting is when they reconnect at the end of the day. And I think part of that is they come in and they compare. Yeah. Oh, my day.

Oh, my day. Oh, you take your day. Let's talk. You know, I worked for an organization for a while. I would actually go in and speak a couple of times a year, an organization that worked with couples who had children that were on autism spectrum.

And they would come in and I would watch and I would see, like, some of them, all the things they were dealing with, actually. Drew them together and others, it had totally pushed them apart. I think the divorce rate is pretty staggering. And I've done this retreat about 10 times, and I'm driving home, and I'm like, What is the difference between these two couples? Like, what is the difference when it's pulling them together where they're all sitting on like this sectional couch?

And then they couldn't even get close enough to each other. And the other one's like, they wanted to sit in the other room. And it hit me, it's really a mindset of when they're re-entering the home. Because they would fight, like, and they had pretty similar things, struggles, and it would be like, hey, I'm going to honor everything you've done today. Like you've been home, you've been with our kid all day, you've been researching all the treatments, you've been researching all the therapies.

I'm going to honor that. The other one, hey, I'm going to honor the fact that you are out trying to make the finances to make that happen because insurance is not great in this regard.

So it was like, I'm going to honor what you're doing instead of compare. I'm going to carry each other's burdens. There's this one lady, it was such a great example of this. She said that when her two kids that were both on the spectrum, they would, she said, be home and their days were really, really tough. And she said, she would hear the garage door go open and the kids would, and dad would come in and they would race to dad and wrestle with dad.

And she's like, I couldn't get a hug out of him. Here, he's been gone all day, and they want to wrestle with him. And she said, It made me so angry because I was mad at all three of them. And then she said, One day she said, You know what? I'm going to join in.

And she said she just ran and just dove on top of them and she became a part of it. But it was just a mindset shift. It was something that was hurting her. And I could, it's totally understandable. Sure.

I mean, of course that would break your heart. Of course it would. Of course it's not logical. It doesn't make any sense. But she changed her mindset.

And that was the difference. It was a mindset shift to see the best in them. Because usually when we'll pull back, especially if somebody's listening right now, hopefully they're not in the middle of a fight.

So their brains are kind of cool and calm. You can go, okay. Let me just consider that for a minute. What do I love about them? Yeah.

Put in your phone. Like, I'd put it in the notes and then even send it to you. Like, hey, thanks for these things. Yeah, I want you to do that. I'm going to.

I'm going to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow's always a new day. And the truth is, like you said, it's intentional because if you don't do it intentionally, you'll default to the negative. You'll see the worst. I mean, when Ann and I were dating and engaged, she could list all my great qualities.

He's this, this, this. Six months later, she yells at me, Marion you is the biggest mistake of my life. She said that there's not one thing I even like about it. Yeah, she said all the negative, and it was all there. And so, to flip that, because I think we default to the negative.

We drive by a car, reckon we all want to watch it rather than it's the same thing in our marriages: we want to see the worst rather than saying what you just said. No, I want to default to see the positive, it's there, but I have to choose it.

Okay, we need to move because we've got three more to go. Number three: intentional thought. To build your marriage is to choose empathy. I guess to sabotage it is stop choosing what? Negativity?

I think it's when you try to fix them. Yeah. Yeah, because a lot of times we try to fix our spouse's emotions is because we don't like their emotions or they're inconvenient. We're going, oh, here we go again. Or we don't like that.

It just doesn't make any sense to us. Or we see when someone's emotional, they're not usually, but can be talking irrationally or illogical, you know, maximizing statements, you know, about things. And we want to fix that. Both men and women do it. Guys are more classic about let me just fix this.

My wife told me one time after a series of this not going well and me not being empathetic. She goes, I don't want you to fix this. I want you to feel this. And it's so much easier just to feel it, just to sit there and to look with, you know, with a genuine look on her face. On my face, that mimics not mocks the look on hers, and just, I'm so sorry, this seems, this is hard, and she's the same way.

Say things like, that's understandable. If I were you, I'd feel the same way. Or just, God, this is, I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible. That sounds so tough.

I'm so sorry. Like she used to go away with her girlfriends and she still does once a year. The four of them will go on a trip. She and the same ladies and they've done it for years. And she comes back and she'll talk about they share X, Y, Z.

And I go, Well, what did they say about it? Think. I'm like, well, why don't you talk about it? For years I didn't get it. It's like, oh, she loves that trip because they're so empathetic and they don't try to fix each other.

So, yeah, don't try to fix it. And that's for men and women. You know, and that's they're the good stuff. Don't try to fix that they love something that you don't. Like if your spouse, I'll see this, the holidays.

You got one that loves to decorate and get everything. Oh, I can tell immediately. Presents. Too many presents. Too many presents.

It doesn't stay within budget. And then you got budget. Am I supposed to feel that? Or fix that?

Well, I don't know. I'm not going to go that deep with it. But it is the thing of there's typically one that loves all that and the other one's like, are you got to be kidding me again? Why? I mean, why do we need multiple trees?

Our house has multiple trees. Where do you have to? I don't get it. I don't get it until Jesus takes me home, and then I'm going to have some questions. But it makes her so happy.

We've heard it said. How do they say that? Meet emotion with emotion and meet logic with logic.

So, if your spouse comes to you with an emotional issue, feel it. Don't fix it. If she comes to you with a logical issue, then it might be a time to say, okay, let's talk. Right. I mean, just I would say if you're giving homework for people, just say that's understandable about three or four times this week and watch the look on their face.

That's understandable. That's understandable. Yeah, I love it. And sincere. You're listening to Family Life Today.

I'm Dave Wilson. And before we continue our conversation, let me just say this. At Family Life, we really believe strong families can change the world. And when you become a Family Life partner, you help make that happen. And I don't know if you realize this, but your monthly gift helps us equip marriages and families with biblical tools that they can count on.

Now, that's a pretty good deal. And we also want to send you exclusive updates, behind-the-scenes access, and an invitation to our private partner community. which is pretty cool.

So join us and let's reach families and marriages together. And you can go to familylifetoday.com and click the donate button to join today. What's number four, guys? Number four: the way the sabotage your marriage would be: react. The way to save your marriage is pause and respond.

Is that a good way to say it? And this is one of the things I landed on the research, and I thought, oh, this is why we included people who want to be great spouses find themselves saying and doing again that thing they swore they'd never say and do again, or react in that way that in their more logical moments, they'd go, I don't want to react that way.

So people can, you'll respond in a way, and they're so. Bewildered afterwards, and I can't believe that I've done that again. And the research is really clear. When your spouse triggers you, it triggers the same part of your brain. called the amygdala that if you were to accidentally put your hand on a hot stove, you'd immediately jerk it away.

If you were to step in a street for just a second and you hear something come, you're going to jerk back. There's no thinking about it, it's reacting. At the same time, your frontal lobe is going a little bit out to lunch, which is where all your logic is.

So it's great. The amygdala is great. We better be glad we have it. Because it does so many things. When it comes to marriage, the amygdala is too efficient.

And so you react, and people react in different ways. But you react. and you forget what you want for your marriage. Mm-hmm. If you can, you know, we've all heard fight, flat, or freeze.

You know, if you're triggered, you step toward the tension. Oh, this is me. You want to go? Oh, and if you're married to somebody, you want to go, they go, hey, I need a minute. Oh, no, we're taking care of this right now.

I have no logic. Don't avoid this. Yeah, you're avoiding it. We're going to air this out, and we're going to air it out now. Yes.

So. What I love about what I've always done is scripture and science are not in conflict with each other at all. They just illuminate each other. Even the neuroscience coming up.

So way long before I get geeked out on neuroscience, scripture was very clear. Like, okay, so what do you do that your brain goes out to lunch and you're reacting? James 1, 19, and 20. You need to be quick to listen. Slow to speak, slow to become.

Look at that word, become angry. And so for me, I'd say I had ADHD long before. It was cool to have it. And we've been sharing stories about losing things. That's part of it.

So I think for us, impulse control is a thing of ADHD. And I'm not teasing about that. I know people tease about that. No, clinically diagnosed, you are this, Ted. There's impulse.

And so I'm going, if I can learn this, and I'm always perfect by any means, anybody can.

So. If you can start getting into the rhythm of when you get triggered, just don't talk at first. And people, some people were listening going, oh, I don't talk. I don't talk for six weeks. I'm not talking about that passive-aggressive.

I'm talking about, I shouldn't have called somebody passive-aggressive. That's not kind.

Okay. I'm talking about that. I'll call you a stuffer that you got files that you'll pull out later. But I'm saying for most of us. We need to take a deep breath and we need to pause and we need to let our frontal lobe, the logical part of our brain, catch back up.

The part of our brain that remembers what we want for our marriage, that remembers that we don't want to react poorly, and most importantly, remembers who we are, remember this person in front of us. As a child of God, that remembers, take a breath and say, I'm gonna respond. Versus react. I say the space between triggered and reactions where relationships are built or broken. Oh, that's good.

It's right there in that space that we've got time.

So I think for most of us, when we look back on those times where we regret that turned into these nasty arguments, it is because in that triggered moment, We said something we should not have said. And My wife told me one time, she goes, When you're angry, you find your words. When I'm angry, I lose them. And that's a gift I wish I could return. But what I've learned is, I'll just pause and I'll take a breath and don't say anything with anything, not with your body language, your face.

I mean, you know, 80% of communication is nonverbal, right? If not more.

So just to take a breath and give it a second to remember how you want to be and how you want to respond. If you just start to listen. The slowest pet? And don't become spat, you don't want to come. That's simple and yet hard.

Something that we just need to start practicing. I need that one. All right, last one. All right. Love first.

That's how you build a marriage. You sabotage by... I think you sabotage by scanning the relationship for what's fair and whose turn it is. You know, this is like, you know, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Everybody goes straight to the love and respect verses, which are great.

Back up a few verses. Submit to one another. You know, submit to, in other words, I'm going to put your needs ahead of my own in this moment. In other words, I'm going to go first. I'm not going to try to figure out whose turn it is.

I'm not going to try to determine who's fair. I'm just going to go ahead and love first. And it really makes sense from a spiritual perspective to say, you know, What do we do with the ultimate act of submission? It's when Jesus looks at Abba and says, if there's any other way, But if not not my will. But your will.

It was the ultimate act of submission that demands a response. And when you're married, it's this constant little reminders. of if he can do that Then I can pick up my daughter when it's not my turn to pick up my daughter. If he can do that, I can be kind when I don't feel like being kind. If he can do that, and so it's this thing: I'm going to submit, I'm just going to love first.

And people say, Oh, I'm afraid I'll get taken advantage of. You might. But let me ask you something. When somebody loves you that way, is your knee-jerk reaction to take advantage of them? Or I'm going to see how I can leverage this to my benefit.

Are you drawn to do the same? And there's no promises. You know, I can't make promises your spouse is not going to keep, but I don't think that there's anything to draw your spouse closer to you than when you just go ahead and, I'm just going to go ahead and do this. I'm just going to love this first. And I ask on social media, what's one way that your spouse loves you first?

It apparently has a lot to do with coffee. And dishwashers. I don't know what that is about, but it is about coffee and dishwashers for some reason. These have been so good. Yeah, and I can guarantee, I'm making a guarantee you do these five.

You will build a marriage. Ted Lowe has a book called Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage. And you can find it by clicking the link in the show notes at familylifetoday.com. And also, we wanted to let you know about a free guide we want to give you. It's filled with helpful marriage wisdom from real-life couples who've been where you are.

And you can grab your copy today at familylife.com/slash marriagehelp. Again, go to familylife.com/slash marriage help for your free guide full of marriage tips. Family Life Today is a donor-supported production of Family Life, a Crew Ministry, 50 years of helping you pursue the relationships that matter most. Yeah.