Unlocking the Secret to Better Communication in Marriage with Kathleen Edelman

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And it's available in all 50 states and around the world. Learn more at chministries.org faithbuy. Let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5 33.

Hi, I'm Rob West. Love and respect are often conveyed in the words that spouses choose to communicate. Those words can have a big impact on the marriage relationship. Kathleen Edelman joins us today to talk about choosing the right words for your spouse. And then we'll take your calls at 800-525-7000. That's 800-525-7000.

This is faith and finance, biblical wisdom for your financial journey. Well, it's a pleasure to welcome back Kathleen Edelman. She's the author of the very popular book, I Said This, You Heard That, How Your Wiring Colors Your Communication. Kathleen, great to see you again. Great to see you, Rob.

So excited about today. Well, I am as well. This is a very important topic. And I'm sure you won't be surprised that we get a ton of questions from people where communication is tripping them up.

It surfaces around a money issue. But we know it's so much deeper than that. And you're going to help us understand that a bit more today. Kathleen, as you know, communication styles affect all manner of relationships. But we're talking specifically about couples today. So how do these different styles affect intimacy in the marriage relationship? Well, what's interesting, and I've done this for a long time is what we find out is that communication styles are the key. So I said this, you heard that it's the title of the book, right?

That's how it affects it. I mean, in between what I say and what my spouse says, because he's a different temperament, there's a big gray area. So each temperament speaks its own language. And in order to become fluent in the other temperament languages, we have to apply it.

And that's the only way we're going to reduce that gray area. Kathleen is going to unpack this today. And you're going to learn a lot. But you need to pick up a copy of this book, I Said This, You Heard That.

That has the inventory that will help you understand your temperament that you can apply to all of this. Now, Kathleen, if we're not careful, we can fall into communication traps. So let's talk about some of those traps that are just so common, and how we avoid them. Right out of the gate is assumption, you assume that another person speaks and understands your language.

Well, that's not true. We each speak our own language, and we have to become fluent in that language, not staying in your strengths. If you are working out of your weaknesses, well, that's on you first. So one of the activities that I talk about in the book and I help my clients is, first and foremost, we have to ask, I have a tendency, I have a tendency to be bossy, distracted, you know, critical.

What can I choose differently so that I first and foremost can stay in my strengths? Because what we know is most miscommunication is not intentional. You're just speaking a different language. Yes.

And what we don't realize is that our words have incredible power. And that's really what you've dedicated your professional career to. Absolutely. Ephesians 4 29. That's it.

I love it. Now listening skills are critical and talking to myself here. So give us some help here. How do we improve our listening skills? Because when we can hone these in particular, boy, it really eases the tension, especially when we have disagreement.

Well, this is a funny answer, but it's use them. You know, it's funny because I have a stair step, you accept your temperament, you're aware of it, you apply it, and you become authentic, the person that God designed you to be, where every single person has an issue is an application. So some of the key skills of listening to understand power of the pause, not reacting to the what, but responding to the why.

None of those are going to be skills unless they're used. So what I teach is everybody can just talk. I teach communication, which is the exchange of thoughts and emotions. But I even take it further, Rob, art of communication. I want I want every word that comes out of your mouth to be a gift to the person that you're speaking to. Boy, that would be a game changer if we could get to that place.

And I don't think it needs to be too lofty. We need to pursue that. Now it's bigger than just the words that come out of your mouth, though, because the nonverbal side of communication is equally as powerful. Absolutely. And even the nonverbal comes from the wiring of your temperament.

Everything you do is motivated by that design that God gave you. So I'm reserved, you're spirited. Knowing that right out of the gate, we're going to be able to work with it.

Wow. Kathleen Edelman's here today. We're helping you improve your communication in marriage. We're going to get to how your temperaments affect your money decisions and your marital communication as well. And then we're going to take your calls ahead.

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Check off the affordable box on your list and get back to what you really love, running your business or caring for your kids and have peace of mind while doing it. Visit CHMinistries.org slash FaithFi to enroll today. Have you found yourself disagreeing with your spouse and perhaps the communication then leads to frustration or worse? Well, we want to help you with that today. And we brought in the expert, Kathleen Edelman is here today.

She's the author of the very popular book. I said this. You heard that how your wiring colors your communication. Now, before we dive right back into marital communication, Kathleen, just give us a thumbnail sketch of the book, what they'll learn, but then more importantly, the temperament exercise that will be a game changer. Well, the book is going to show you how God designed you in that strengths of that temperament is your calling and purpose. One thing I would think would be a loss if we thought we would label people. We don't label or put people in a box, but you cannot look at your spouse for I've been married for thirty seven years and not realize that they're different.

Yeah. So again, it's understanding the skills of communication and listening, but in the framework of temperaments in Ephesians four twenty nine. And I love what you said before the break. What if we could get to a place where every word that came out of our mouth was a blessing to our spouse, to the person that we love? And we can do that if we lean into it and learn some skills in doing it.

All right, let's continue to unpack this. You know, putting yourself in the other person's shoes is essential. So talk about how we can nurture empathy toward one another, especially in communication and especially when there's disagreement. Well, I'm going to tell you the answer, because it's what separates me from every assessment out there. And that is the innate needs of each temperament. Each temperament has their own strengths and weaknesses, has their own language, but it's in the innate needs.

Just like Paul challenges us. Do not let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth, only building others up according to their needs. So knowing those needs, game changer, know the needs.

The definitions are in the book that I've collected over 30 years. I highly coach people to know themselves first, because you cannot give what you don't have. And then it changes everything.

It's a game changer. You know, I know you're yellow. I'm blue.

I cannot know that now. So I have to take into consideration your innate needs when I'm speaking to you. Or I'm intentionally not speaking so you can hear me. Like, that would be a choice. And I'm going to choose to love you better. Yeah. Well, you know that because I'm sanguine, I'm motivated by people and fun. My wife likes to say, he's the wow, I'm the how.

Yeah. See that right there is already going to help you in conflict. Because it gives you grace. And it gives you almost ability to celebrate another person. Yeah, well, it does change marriage communication.

But it's so much bigger than that as well. All right. What about that spouse who's outgoing versus the other spouse that tends to withdraw, especially during a disagreement? How did they learn to communicate effectively? Well, again, this isn't even just a disagreement about money. This is a disagreement about parenting, about where we're going to live, you know, what we're going to eat tonight, right?

So one of the communication skills that I tried to teach people, other than the power of the pause, which is one of my favorites, is validating, complimenting, and speaking the other person's language. We have to have to validate we as a society love to blame. It's your fault. You know, you didn't understand me. You're not listening to it. Okay. That could be true.

But it can be fixable. And the first thing we have to do is ask ourselves, again, an activity that I do with my clients is ask, what part did I play? Not you hurt my feelings, or you offended me or you it's what part did I play? And what could I have said or done differently?

Yeah, keep the focus on yourself for sure. Well, as we know, Kathleen, a lot of marital disagreements are about money. So let's begin to apply this then to the money conversation.

How did the way couples communicate and as you said, their temperaments, which are embedded in that affect their ability to manage money together? Well, the first and foremost thing is you have to understand where the motive with money is, you know, for yellows, it's going to be they want to be generous, but they want to be secure, they want to save, but they don't want to stifle their spontaneity, right? The Reds are going to have goals, they want to be part of the decision making, they want to have an end result. You know, the blues are going to be financially scared of security, like, they're gonna be like, if I give this much, am I going to be able to save this much?

Right? And then the greens are going to watch balance. So they're going to want to balance savings, giving, you know, all of that. So even knowing the motivation from each temperament should absolutely change every conversation.

Yeah, you know, well, and it's that answer, perhaps that you were looking for, because when you can't understand why your spouse is willing to spend money on that, and you would rather save it every day of the week, that can lead to frustration, unless you understand, wait a minute, that's how they're wired. And so I can look at this through that lens. It doesn't mean we don't need to each give, you know, in some cases, but it does provide understanding. And that's the building block to getting to healthy communication. Absolutely.

I mean, we just have to we have to take that pause. Now spouses, of course, can grow apart over the years as they grow through life changes. So how can they maintain this effective, positive communication to keep marriage strong later in life?

You're gonna love this answer. Because right in Scripture, God says, in marriage, there'll be trials. Okay, so right out of the gate, when you were at the altar, we knew that the good and the bad, right? What I tell people, though, is I want them to stay in dating mode. Like, when you were dating your wife, you threw the best of you on the table.

You threw your strengths on the table. If I was to ask her right now, what are the two things of why Rob was the guy? You know, she's probably going to say something like he was fun. He was spontaneous, right?

He made me laugh. We not only threw the best on the table, but we looked for the best in the other person. And then what happens is we get married. And then time goes by and we become content. And then guess what rears its head when you become content? Weaknesses. And as the weaknesses rear their head, then all of a sudden, you start to change that person or want to change that person to be more like you.

And then it's going to blow up. Then all of a sudden, you're going down two different paths. So I really, really encourage people to go back to the time they were dating and stay in dating mode. That's really what's going to save a marriage, help with decisions, show a great example for your children, is if you can remember why.

Why from the beginning. Kathleen, you've been doing this a long time. And so you've helped a lot of couples work through these issues. What's the big win on the other side of this, if you're willing to invest the time to understand one another's temperaments?

What's the win for the relationship? I think, Rob, it's when somebody says and knows they've gotten to that point of authenticity, because then it's freedom. Now you're being exactly who God designed you to be. You're not trying to be anything else. You are showing up and the words you're using are building others up according to their needs and benefiting all who listen. There's over 120 verses on words and scripture.

And so when you get there into that authenticity, no longer are you looking side to side, but you're honoring God with your words. This has been so good. We're going to have to have you back, Kathleen, but I'm so thankful for your ministry, the work you've put into this and for this great resource. Thanks for stopping by. Thank you. That was Kathleen Edelman, author of I Said This. You heard that how your wiring colors your communication.

You can pick up a copy wherever you buy books. All right, folks, your questions just around the corner, 800-525-7000. I'm Rob West and you're listening to Faith and Finance.

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I'm Rob West. We're taking your calls and questions on any financial topic here in this final segment, 800-525-7000. Hey, I'm holding in my hand our brand new publication. That's right. It's the quarterly publication, Faithful Steward.

We're so excited about it. It's essentially a 52-page journal just full of articles with beautiful illustrations, all focused on helping you integrate faith and financial decisions for God's glory. In this first issue, we deal with money and marriage and how to help your kids grow in generosity and aligning your giving with God's heart. What do you do if your spouse is not yet a believer and is struggling with your giving to the local church? How do you handle that?

Ron Blue weighs in on that. Drawing from Ecclesiastes, wisdom over wealth and understanding the implications of God owning it all. Even an article on should I lend to family and friends?

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Hi, Rob. Thank you first of all for you do for God's kingdom. Thank you.

You're welcome. My question to you is we have an opportunity to buy a home that my friend's father is selling. There's no attachment there as far as do we really want this home but we were offered to bid on the house before it was put out on the market. The realtor told them to list it for $350 and they would sell it to us for $300. So my question to you is, is this anything that we should even look at at this period in our life?

My husband is 65 and I'm 60. Yeah. What is your plan with it, Tina? I mean, obviously, it sounds like a good buy just at face value because if the market value truly is $350,000, and you can justify that based on the comparable sales, and they're going to, you know, sell it to you at a discount, essentially, maybe an 84% of market, so or 85. So you're getting 15% off.

That's a good deal. And then would you just turn around and sell it for full market value? Would you hang on to it and rent it?

What are you thinking? Well, it is a lake home, it is on a small lake. So we were actually thinking, and we're not out of this yet to do it as a rental, because our home here in Minnesota is paid off. Another cause that we have to take in consideration is we also have a home in Florida, however that is rented out. So there is always that possibility of, you know, if the renters stay great, if they don't, they just renewed the lease for another year or so.

But those are all questions we have. Yeah, yeah, no, I understand. Well, I'm glad to hear this wouldn't be your first rodeo. You've been a landlord before. How close is this property to where you live right now? It's an hour drive. Okay, so it's not, you know, right down the street, but it's not, you know, three states away.

So that's good. You could keep tabs on it and, you know, check it out and cover maintenance issues and things like that. Talk to me about just your financial readiness for this. How much would you put down? How much would you finance?

And how easily could you absorb that monthly payment if you didn't have a renter? Right now, we could probably, we have liquidated cash for, I would say probably about 150. Okay. And then for the rest, we would get a loan. Okay. And would that leave you still plenty of liquid savings, emergency funds? The emergency funds would stay in place, yes.

Okay. And the 150, would you have to sell stocks? Or where is this money today? No, this is with a, with a financial guy. Okay, but is it in the money market or something? Or is it invested? It is.

How was it? I think it's called a fancy savings account. So it is. Okay. It is money we've already paid taxes on.

Yeah. And you wouldn't have to pay any capital gains because it's not in stocks and bonds. It's probably just earning interest.

So that sounds good. I like the 50% loan to value. I love putting this money to work where it's not only in an asset that's growing because that home hopefully would appreciate and I like the fact that it's on Lakefront. But secondly, you'd also now be generating an income which is probably, you know, what I would expect it to be more than, than you're generating right now. What about just monthly expenses and cash flow?

It sounds like you have plenty to cover the debt service even without a renter? Yes. Okay. My husband would have to cut back a little bit on spending. Okay, got it. Well, you know, I think you're checking all the boxes here.

I mean, I want first of all you all to have spousal unity on this. I don't think it's a problem to take on a mortgage at 65. That doesn't concern me. So long as you've got the ability to cover the debt service sounds like you do. You may not even have to come out of pocket if you get you know, we stay in a good economy and you keep it rented.

You've done this before. It's not too far away, you're getting a great buy, which means even with the expenses related to buying and selling it, if you ever decided, hey, this property isn't performing like we want, or you know, it's just too much hassle. I suspect you could get out and break even because you're getting the 15% discount going in. So as long as you guys are on the same page about this, I feel like this is a good thing for the next maybe 10 years or so until you're ready to be more passive in your investing. Okay, well, thank you so much, Rob. I really appreciate it. I will talk to my husband about all of this and we definitely will make that decision together because we do want to be in God's will and all we do. Well, I love that and thanks for saying that. What an encouragement to our listeners today that you all are seeking the Lord, you're coming together to talk it through and seek unity in this decision.

That's absolutely the right way to approach it. God bless you, Tina. Thanks for your kind remarks about the program.

Well, that's going to do it for us. Before we go, let me remind you to check out the Faithfi app on our website at faithfi.com. It's the best money management app out there to get godly counsel, great content rooted in scripture, but also what I believe is the very best money management system as well. You know, with expenses up everywhere and high inflation, you're probably struggling like I am to stay on budget.

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