Creating a Relational Legacy, Part 1 (cont'd)

When someone offends you, do you roll with the punches or throw a few of your own? Coming your way next, Pastor Paul Shepherd and his wife Meredith talk about God's way of handling relational conflict and their message creating a relational legacy. But before we get started, Pastor Paul joins me from his studio. Pastor, we often hear from people who've been blessed by this ministry and every time I hear one of those testimonies, I feel blessed myself and humbled really that I get to play a small part in this.

Talk about the importance of encouragement and the role it plays in all of our lives. We're always looking for new testimonies to share with our listeners. So, if you have been blessed by the Destined for Victory broadcast, we'd love to hear from you. From the pastorpaul.net homepage, click on Contact Us and tell us your story. Again, the web address is pastorpaul.net.

We also love to get to know you. Get your letters. The address is Destined for Victory.

Post Office Box 1767, Fremont, California 94538. Great advice from Pastor Paul Shepherd and it comes straight from the Word of God, Matthew chapter 18 to be exact. Coming your way next here on Destined for Victory, Pastor Paul and his wife Meredith talk about the importance of directly confronting the brothers and sisters in Christ who have offended us or done us harm. Let's join them now for today's Destined for Victory message, Creating a Relational Legacy.

How well are you doing at going and showing? When somebody hurts your feelings, how well are you doing at saying, you know what, what you said to me really offended me and I need you to know how I feel. See, that takes a maturity some of us don't have.

Sip your Starbucks. We don't have because when you're offended, you want to act out of the hurt. And Jesus says don't act out of the hurt, address the hurt with the individual who hurt you. What does that mean? Don't go talking to everybody else about how this person offended you.

That's what some of us are good at. Do you know what she had done there? No, that you violated what your Lord told you to do. He said when they offend you, go to them and even use the word alone. Right there in Matthew 18, go to them alone. Don't bring your little raggedy friends. Go and show them, say, can I talk to you for a minute?

Pull them away, pull them aside, call them, whatever, and say, you hurt me and I need you to know that I don't like it. And then you go and show. That is important when it comes to building your relational legacy because if some of us keep doing what we're doing, mishandling relationships, we're going to die one day and those people are going to know that you always had an attitude and they never quite understood why or something changed and I could never figure out why things changed. Don't leave people wondering what happened. Jesus said, while you're living, while they're living, go and show.

Let me tell you about yourself. I love the fact that I don't serve a mamsy-pamsy savior. You know, Christianity, following Jesus is not for wimps. You got to grow up to know Jesus, to walk with him. And sometimes you got to learn to shake your finger in somebody's face and say, look, what you said is offensive. I'm not going to take that kind of stuff off of you. And you go and show. Direct.

The easiest way to get there is a straight line. Don't beat around the bush, don't drop hints. Some of y'all are professional hint droppers. Let me help you understand something I've learned.

I've been a pastor a very long time. Let me counsel you here in your living room. Don't drop hints. You know why? Because the wrong people always pick them up.

Don't drop hints. I've seen people talking in a group and they're gunning for one person. This statement is for you, but I'm talking like I'm talking to everybody. You know what happens? Some old insecure person, oh Lord, so that's why they don't like me. And you weren't even talking about, you didn't know they were in the group.

Meanwhile, the one you were gunning for, sitting there filing their nails, they don't know what you're talking about. Don't drop hints. Jesus said, go and show. I've had members of my church, I thought they were doing well. Pastor, can I see you for a second?

Oh yeah, I think they want to hug, want to fellowship. And they say, you know, when you said such and such the other day in that meeting or just in that little huddle or whatever, that really offended me. I didn't know you meant, and I said, I didn't say, oh really?

So you thought I was talking, and we work it out. I've had people need to corner me and talk about something and say, you really hurt me when you came for me in this way or that. And the truth is, I didn't even know who they were, much less was gunning for them.

But how are they going to know until they come show me? And they'll say, oh, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I promise that was not aimed at you. And I'm sorry that I didn't make that clearer.

Please forgive me. And you straighten it out, and then you can move on. Go and show is a key thing. You ever had anybody misunderstand you? Well, for all the ladies who were at WOD yesterday, Women of Destiny, we talked about this. And there are definitely times when people, again, they have an expectation of you, and you have no idea what that expectation is. They just feel a certain way.

Especially as a pastor's wife. A lot of people, they feel a closeness, and I don't really know them, and they feel rebuffed or they want more from me. And I'm one person. I love everybody, but I can't have a very significant relationship with everybody. Not to say significant, but intimate.

I can't have an intimate relationship with everybody. And sometimes people are offended or they want more. I've been asked to mentor different times. I've been asked to be someone's mentor. And they wanted a best friend. They wanted a kick it buddy, a kiki girlfriend. They wanted somebody to hang out and go shopping.

And I'm thinking mentor. I want to invest in their life. And when I don't meet all these unspoken expectations, then I'm confronted with how I have let them down. Recently, someone said that I had shunned them. And I'm thinking, how do I shun you?

We talk every week. So where's the shunning? They had an expectation of me that they never expressed. And as we talked about it, then we got to the root of it. They just wanted more out of a mentoring relationship because they were lacking friends.

And also, if you've been hurt in a prior relationship, sometimes you bring that woundedness into a new relationship. And this is where I shared with the ladies yesterday. I talked about a song that a very short lived group put out years ago. A group called Danity Kane. And they had a song called Damaged.

And the song says, it's a woman talking to a boyfriend, a new boyfriend. I'm damaged. I thought that I should let you know that my heart is damaged.

And what are you going to do to fix it, fix it, fix it? They just keep saying it. And I thought about that the last time someone confronted me over my failure to meet an unexpressed, unmet expectation. And that song and all the lyrics came flooding back to me. My heart is damaged.

And the song starts with, do you have a first aid kit? You know, it's like I'm holding you to fix all the aches and the wounds that are in me. You know, it says in Isaiah 61 that Jesus came to bind up the broken hearted. So our relationship with him is key.

It's the foundation for every other relationship and where other people can't fix it, fix it, fix it because you're so damaged. I thought that I should let you know, then we can go to God who is a heart fixer and a mind regulator. I'm so glad to pastor a church where the ladies get together and talk about Danity King. You know, you got to go there. What's wrong with a lot of churches, they don't go there.

You spend all their time talking about Shadrach, Meshach and the bad negro. That's fine. Every now and then you got to preach and help folks get out the furnace.

Yeah, I get it. I'll preach about it again sometime. But we got to go there. What is the there in your life that hasn't been addressed?

Because the Word of God gives you principles for how to address it. And Jesus gives us one here. You got to have those relationships. Go and show. A lot of us are angry with people and the only reason we're angry is because we didn't go and show.

Let me just help you. Let me just do a little bit of therapy with you. Anger is often hurt demanding justice.

Think about it. Very often when we're angry, we're hurt and we want justice. Well, if you go and show, that can be the beginnings of resolving the issue.

Now, let me quickly say resolution isn't always the person when you go and show says, yeah, you're right. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have thought that. I shouldn't have whatever. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. That's ideal. How many know most of the time it don't work out like that?

Most time. Have you ever gone to somebody's go and show and they say, what you talking about? They act like you are from Mars. Like, what did you just say to me? I'm like, no, I'm talking about what you said, what you did.

You ever had some of them deny it, just flat out deny it. I didn't say that. I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't say that. Now I'm crazy. So on top of you, you offended me by what you said did.

Now you offended me because you think I'm crazy. Because I don't know what I heard. Don't go away. We're only about halfway through today's Destined for Victory message with Pastor Paul Shepherd, Senior Pastor of Destiny Christian Fellowship in Fremont, California. Subscribe to Pastor Paul on YouTube to watch some of his best video clips. For more details, be sure to visit pastorpaul.net.

That's pastorpaul.net where you can listen on demand to recent messages or find a variety of resources at our online store. Now let's return to the rest of today's Destined for Victory message, creating a relational legacy. Once again, here's Pastor Paul and Meredith Shepherd. Come on, somebody. I'm trying to help you.

We got to go through this. I tell you, this isn't the preaching part of this series. I'm helping you keep the end in mind and get it right before you go. Don't think just because you go and show, you're going to get the right response. Sometimes they make you madder by the way they respond to you going to do what Jesus told you to do, go and show.

So what do you do then? He went on to say there in Matthew 18. He said, if they won't hear you that way, you got to bring an objective third party into the situation. I've said it over the years as a pastor, some of my job is to get you and the person you're trying to reconcile with in the same room because you all can't reconcile one on one.

You so busy wanting to do what Jesus said, you're taking the next step in Matthew 18. You're saying, Pastor, would you just mediate because you know I'm a man of integrity and I'm going to listen. I don't care how close I am to you, if you're wrong, you're wrong. It's not based on do I like you.

I have people in my office, I like this person, have much more relation with them than I have with the other person. But when they go and show and I'm the mediator, the person I hardly know is right and the one I've known a long time, we've done ministry trips together, whatever, they're wrong. I have to tell you, love you, right? You know I love you, right? You're wrong.

You're just as wrong as the day is long. Sometimes that's what you got to do. I've done it with husband and wife because that's why I tell the pre-engaged people, come on in, before you all get engaged, let me hear you, let me talk to you, let me ask you questions and listen to the answers. Because sometimes you all need to marry one another like one of you needs a hole in your head. Like this is not going anywhere.

So let somebody who loves you but is not in love with either one of you tell you the truth. So we have to amen, I got to amen. Amen, that's right. I wanted to add here, because the person does not respond the way you would hope, because it's not always an ideal coming together when you practice Matthew 18, go and show, you're still obeying a biblical mandate. So your goal when you go to someone, the Lord told you to go and show. He does not necessarily say and then the person is going to receive you and thank you and you're going to walk away and have peace and a wonderful relationship after that. That's not always the case, but you have still followed scripture, you have obeyed the word and it used to frustrate me because I think I have thought that this is one of the most disobeyed scriptures in the Bible, where people will not go to someone and get it straight. And I think it's because you've done it, you tried to make peace you and when it doesn't happen or it falls apart or the person's in denial, sometimes they're just too immature.

They're not at the right place spiritually. And you can't make a person grow. You cannot point out a situation and say, now grow up, grow, get taller, you know, get bigger.

You can't do that. The Lord, the Holy Spirit is the change agent. So you just want to be that person who is going to follow a biblical mandate, go and show, be convinced that God is going to handle the rest. You don't have to change the person or get them to see eye for eye and assuming responsibility for their part in a breakdown. You can't force that upon people. Your part is to go and show.

Amen. And the fact of the matter is sometimes the relationship changes because of a person's failure to meet you at the point of reconciliation. Always understand reconciliation requires the cooperation of both parties. See, reconciliation can't be my goal, my only goal, because I don't get to meet that goal by myself. I've had people I wanted to reconcile with, but clearly they didn't want to. They were done with you. You ever had somebody done with you? No, no, I mean really done with you. It's done.

Over. They're still in the room, but they are not there. So you've got to realize that when somebody is done with you, you can't reconcile with them. That's why even the Bible gives you biblical grounds that sometimes a believer can be divorced and remarried biblically under certain circumstances. Don't get happy too soon.

I saw somebody lighten up just right away, just, oh, there's my word. No, don't get happy too. There's very limited grounds for divorce because you're the one married them. You're the one just stand up there till death do you part, not till they get on your nerves.

So they're conditioned. That's why you need pastoral counseling often, so have to work through things. But all I'm saying is sometimes you can't make a reconciliation even in a friendship happen if the other person won't be mature and won't be biblical.

And sometimes you've got to let them go because they're already gone. So when we pick up this discussion next week, is this working for you all or do you need me to preach all the time? Okay. Thank you.

I'm glad it's working for you. Online I hope you realize don't tune in all the time expecting a sermon, three points and a hoop. We can't always do that. If I'm going to disciple you, sometimes we just got to sit in your living room and talk and just deal with real life issues. And so what we're going to do really is just continue this, but let me just whet your appetite with how we'll continue it next week. And this will last as long as it does. I really don't have any timetable for it because I'm trying to help you get ready for that great day.

None of us want it anytime soon, but we need to be living day by day in preparation for the inevitable. One of these days you and I are going to have to give an account to God and I don't want my relationship failures to be in the way of hearing well done, good and faithful servant. You don't want to have succeeded in career and failed in life. You do realize that your life is not your career. Your vocation is what you're paid to do, but your life needs to involve what you're made to do.

And so sometimes you're good at what you're paid to do and you're bad at what you're made to do. You're made to have meaningful relationships with key people. And that's our plan as we open this section of the series to help you think through and appraise the condition of all the relationships.

And we'll come back next week and pick this up. Here's what I want to begin by focusing on next week, which is a question, should this relationship be discontinued? There are some relationships that were for a reason and for a season. And when the reason has been accomplished and the season has been fulfilled, some relationships have lost their value. You maintain friendliness as a brother or sister in Christ. If you ever need anything, I'll be glad to pray with you.

If I can help in a practical way, I'll do that. But sometimes you can't walk with a person in your future the way you walked with them in your past. You ever had that happen where you say, I don't know what happens now that we fell out, but it changed. Well, some of us have to understand, yes, it had to change. Sometimes it was for a reason. Some people Jesus had on his ministry agenda, God wanted him to minister to them. When he got through addressing their need, then they had to go their way. Remember one of the demoniacs that Jesus delivered from demonic oppression. And now the person is sitting with Jesus, the Bible said, clothed and in their right mind, because he was naked and crazy when the demons were running things.

And now he's clothed and in his right mind. Jesus said, okay, I got to go on and minister elsewhere. And he said, let me go with you. And Jesus said, no. He said, no.

He said, go home. Go back to your people. Show them what I did for you.

You can't come with me. Jesus is saying, into my future. You take what I did for you, and you impact the people, because all of us are to impact others. Just share your testimony as you live your life and help people get better, just like I helped you get better.

And Jesus actually said to this guy, who was so grateful that he's been delivered, Jesus said, no, can't go with me. So some of us have to appraise, and we'll pick this up next time. We have to look at some relationships that used to be good and say, is it no longer good because the need was met, or is it no longer good because the season is over?

The one thing I can't do is be who I was and who I am at the same time. Thanks for being here for today's Destin for Victory message, Creating a Relational Legacy. Remember, Destin for Victory exists only through your faithful prayer and financial support. And as you give your generous gift today, we'll send you, by request, a copy of Pastor Paul Shepherd's booklet, Creating a Relational Legacy. If that title sounds familiar, that's because it's the same as today's message title. All this week and on Monday of next week, Pastor Paul and Meredith will be sharing a message about building and maintaining godly relationships. This booklet is a great companion guide to these messages, and today we'll share it with you. That's Creating a Relational Legacy, our gift to you for your generous donation to Destin for Victory. So please call 855-339-5500 or visit pastorpaul.net to make a safe and secure donation online. You can also mail your gift to Destin for Victory, Post Office Box 1767, Fremont, CA 94538.

Again, that address is Destin for Victory, Box 1767, Fremont, CA 94538. Some relationships are limited to a particular reason or season, and so you have to learn not all relationships are permanent, at least in the way you've related to them. You might know them the rest of your life, but some people play a certain role with a certain season, and they're in your life for a certain reason, and you've got to discern that and learn how to work through that. That's tomorrow as we continue Pastor Paul Shepherd's message, Creating a Relational Legacy. Until then remember, he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. In Christ, you are destined for victory.