Built to Last, Part 2 (cont'd)

What can music teach us about relationships? We'll find out next on this Monday edition of Destined for Victory. Hello and thanks for tuning in. In just a few moments, Pastor Paul Shepherd takes us to the life of David as he shares his message built to last.

But before he gets started, he joins me now from his studio in California. What would you say is the most important lesson you learned from your father? I think I would say of all the lessons I learned, he taught me how important humility is. I see preachers and I see folks who have broad exposure, much broader than the exposure I have. And sometimes they seem to struggle with pridefulness and I've even seen a few that I said, oh Lord, that just looks a little too much like arrogance for me. I'm not anyone's judge, but I am mindful of the fact that we can appear to the world like we are full of ourselves.

If we appear full of ourselves, then we're not showing them who Christ is because he doesn't have any room to show because we're showing ourselves all the time. And so my dad taught me, if you stay low, even if you fall, you won't have far to go. And I love that and I have lived that. So when I've had my times of falling and failing, I knew the way up is down.

Hit the ground, honor God, admit where you have been and let the Lord restore and bless your life. My dad taught me that and I'm forever grateful for that lesson. Such a great reminder, Pastor Paul. Humility precedes almost every good thing God longs to give us, including our salvation in Jesus Christ.

Thanks for that great word of encouragement. Speaking of fathers and the wisdom we gain from them, this month we have two very special gifts to share with you. Yours for your best gift of $25 or more to destined for victory during these critical summer months. The first is Pastor Paul's book, Why God Created Dads, an insightful and inspirational look at the subject of fatherhood through the lens of Scripture. The second is the audio CD, A Tribute to My Dad, a message delivered by Pastor Paul following the death of his father.

Men and women alike will be inspired by these timely resources. That's Why God Created Dads and A Tribute to My Dad, our gifts to you this month for your best donation of $25 or more to Destined for Victory. Please call 855-339-5500 or visit pastorpaul.net to make a safe and secure donation online. You can also mail your gift to Destined for Victory, post office box 1767, Fremont, California 94538.

Again, our address, Destined for Victory, box 1767, Fremont, California 94538. We will remain different, whole people, but God wants us to walk together, pray together, grow together, serve together, so that together we can get more done than either one of us can get done alone. That's the will of God for your life. If you've ever heard two people singing in harmony, you get a sense of what relational oneness can and should be.

Each person sings a different key in his or her own style, one that stands alone and has a life all its own. Together, they produce something better than what they could alone. Today on Destined for Victory, Pastor Paul Shepherd reminds us of God's will for us when it comes to our relationships, that in our diversity, we will establish harmony with one another.

Here's Pastor Paul now with the rest of today's message, Built to Last. When a child is born into the world, they are born completely helpless, literally have to depend on others for everything. When you show up, you are dependent. That, by the way, is why those of you who are still walking around talking about your self-made need a reality check. There isn't a self-made individual on the planet. There's no such thing.

All you're doing is showing your ignorance. When you talk about yourself made to get you to the place where you could be smart enough to think the thoughts that you thought that you think got you where you are took a whole lot of help. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps. Somebody had to buy you the boots.

Make sure they had straps in them and teach you how to tie them. You were totally dependent. We all start out totally dependent. Dependence is the you stage. As you begin to grow up as an infant, move into a toddler, you are still in the you stage.

You know what that dependent you stage is? It's the you message. You take care of me. You love me. You affirm me. You make me feel good.

You give me what I want. You take responsibility for my comfort and welfare. When I'm in the you stage, my self-worth and security come directly from you. If I'm to feel good about myself as a dependent human being, it's because you make me feel good about myself. Now, there is a proper time for that.

That is the right way. That is God's design. We who are parents, that's why God gave you children. He didn't give you children for you. I got to preach all this because we have misdirected kids. I see little teenagers on TV talking about I want a baby.

I'm purposely trying to get pregnant. A little 13-year-old girl sitting up on a show talking about I'm purposely trying to get pregnant so that I can have somebody to love me. We are misdirected. It's not her fault. The people in her life have not taught her who she is and why God brought her here. And they have not equipped her properly so that she grows up thinking the solution is for her to bring another human being into the world so that it can love her.

Let me help you understand something. That's not God's plan at all. God doesn't give you children for you. Children are a heritage of the Lord. God gives you children because He has a plan for them and you are a steward of their lives. And your job is to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord, teach them to love the Lord their God with all their heart, put in them morals and wisdom and understanding, give them love and affirmation so that they grow up with a healthy sense of who they are and who God has created them to be so that they can go into the world and make a difference. God gives you children so that you can work yourself out of a job and bring them to the place where they're ready now to live life in His will.

It really isn't for you. I've said before and it bears repeating that if you don't ever feel adequately praised and thanked by your children, one day God will say well done. I'm telling you, I loved my parents growing up but once I became a married man and had my own kids, my parents became much smarter, much smarter, much wiser. Things I didn't understand, I came to understand and things I said I would never say to my children because I was sick of hearing them from my parents. I heard them coming out of my mouth.

Why? Because I realized there's wisdom in it and just because I didn't understand it when I was young and dumb doesn't mean it wasn't wisdom. And so one day the Lord is going to say well done, good and faithful servant. It is your job as a parent to instill a sense of love, unconditional love in them.

Teach them I love you just because you are you, because you're the object of God's love and I'm God's representative in your life in human form. A parent, a father and a mother, not just mothers, brothers don't just think this is a mother thing, well that's the mother's job. No, no, your sperm had to be part of it because God wants you to be active in their lives, you to tell them that they are loved and valued. You don't create a baby and run off somewhere, you're to be there and to be part of them coming to understand who they are and so that's the you stage and it's a natural normal stage and our job is to build them up, teach them that they are worthy of love, give them that sense of self-worth and security because if it doesn't come from you it won't come from anywhere. In the you stage a person's position is I don't know who I am until you tell me and in the you stage, in the dependent stage if you don't like me I'm devastated, I'm completely devastated because I need that message from you. Now we are to grow out of that and grow into a second stage which is the independent stage.

The dependent stage is the you stage, the independent stage is the I stage, the message shifts, the focus shifts from you to me. This is a normal natural stage to move into, in fact it is absolutely necessary if we are going to ever become the people God wants us to be, we must eventually get to the place where I no longer need you to tell me who I am. I no longer need that so if a child is being developed properly they will get to a place where eventually they begin to take pride in who they are, they begin to have a self-identity.

It's the I stage, you see it in children when they can first tie their own shoes or button their own clothes and they begin to take pride in that and when you go to button it they say I can do it. Now when you see that parent or guardian, when you see that rejoice in that, they're moving in the right direction. And some of you have got to take your hands off very intentionally, some of you who are smothers.

Oh I'm trying to help you now, you got to take your hands off, come here you don't know what you're doing let me do that for you. No, no get your hands off of them and let them move into the stage God wants them to move into where there's a sense of otherness. I can't be an extension of you, I can't just have you pulling on my door because I promise you it's not going to be cute after a while.

I promise you it's cute to take care of a four or five year old, it's not cute to take care of a 24 or 25 year old. And so let them move as early as becomes natural and normal in their progression into the I stage, let me do it. They don't know how to do it right, let them try, make a big deal over the effort. I'll never forget when we first started doing that with our kids tying shoes, I was sick of tying shoes. And so when they finally got to that place where they wanted to try to tie it, I said okay you know we'd show them a few times and what have you, let them practice on them and then they ready to start doing it and they do it and it might be a pitiful bowl. But we had to learn to celebrate it so that they had a sense of I'm doing this, I'm learning this, this is good.

And so we learned and my wife and I got together and we learned to get together and when one of them try something we're going to celebrate, let's make a big deal. And one would try something and one was in the room and said you did that by yourself? And they come just all proud.

You say why? And then you call the other one in the honey, honey come in here. They come in from the other room, look at what this child did all by herself, you did that by yourself? See you got to learn to work this thing so you can get out the tying business. Did the same thing for buttoning, they might come and the shirt was all buttoned wrong.

But that's alright they tried it, they didn't line them up just right but they going to get there. Meanwhile you let them celebrate this here. You did that by yourself? Yes I did, why? Honey come in here, whoa look at you.

Why? So that you can celebrate otherness. And eventually they won't need you to button their clothes, they won't need you to tie their shoes.

If you teach them how to make their little favorite snacks or whatever they won't need you to do it, it's a good thing. We'll be right back with more of today's Destined for Victory message from Pastor Paul Shepherd, Senior Pastor Destiny Christian Fellowship in Fremont, California. Be sure to listen to the broadcast on demand at pastorpaul.net. That's pastorpaul.net and there you'll find a host of great resources in our online store. Do you want to build healthy godly relationships but don't know how? Stay with us now for the rest of today's Destined for Victory message built to last.

Once again here's Pastor Paul. I used to love cream of wheat so much very early in my life. Cream of wheat was my life. I loved, it was the food of the gods, I loved cream of wheat. All growing up if there was no cream of wheat in the house it was a problem. And my mother got tired of cooking cream of wheat very early.

I don't even remember how young I was. She brought me in that kitchen, put me on a stool. She said watch what I do. Showed me one time and then she said alright now I want you to do it.

And I would try and she'd tell me and she'd walk me through it and I mean in a matter of nothing. She had me doing and she was out of the cream of wheat business. And today I cannot cook you a full meal but I will hook up a serious bowl of cream of wheat. Oh I bless your life with some cream of wheat. You fool with me.

You will never starve around me if we can get to a store and get some cream of wheat. Where am I? You all messed up my message.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. The I stage. In the I stage my validation no longer comes from you.

I'm now getting the internal message. In the I stage I get to a place where because my validation is inner. Because I stamp my own ticket.

You know and you could validate a park and somebody else got to stamp it. You got to get to the place where you stamp your own ticket in life. I validate myself. That'll help you because some of us, listen if you don't get it right in the early stages in life.

There are people 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50 plus years old still don't know what it is to be in the independent stage. Still walking around looking for somebody to validate you. Still walking around looking for somebody to affirm you. It's the you light up my life syndrome. And I'm telling you it is not God's will. You got to get to a place where you're not looking for somebody to light up your life.

God has brought the light into your life and you celebrate his goodness. I don't need you to validate me. If you don't think I'm fine that's no problem. If you don't want to marry me that's no problem. You don't want to be my best friend that's no problem. I have given overtures to you to try to bring you into my inner circle and have a good godly relationship. And you want no parts of me because I'm not in the club or I'm not in the popular group or whatever.

And you're busy trying to hit your wagon to some other star no problem. I still know who I am. When you come I know who I am. When you go I know who I am.

That's a wonderful thing some of you all need. That's the best deliverance you can get. Is the deliverance from the need for other folk to like you.

When you get to the place where you say I like me. Jesus loves me. He died for me. If Jesus loved me and I love me that's good enough. Good enough if you don't love me that's your problem. You're the one missing out.

Come on somebody. You singles if they don't want to marry you you'll date for a little while. Next thing you know they dropped off. How come they stopped calling? Don't even trip.

Don't even trip. Let them go. That's somebody else's problem. You should see them show up later on at the church with somebody else not a problem. The Lord bless you all keep you all. Because I promise you you don't want to drag somebody into your inner circle who has a thought that they don't really want to be there. They don't want to be there not a problem at all.

Thank you for letting me know. And your actions speak louder than your words. You know when people start hemming and hawing and you know you try to jam them up well you know we've been going together for some time. I'm just trying to get straight you know I'm kind of where things are.

And you know go fishing like that. And what you get is well you know I like you too and I think you're kind of special and. When you hear that you don't even need to hear the rest of the paragraph. When you hear that cut it off do yourself a favor.

Cut it off say listen you know what I'm probably putting pressure on you that I have no business putting on you. You know what you are free. You are free to explore whatever is in your heart whatever you're looking for.

I've appreciated the time we've had some wonderful hangouts and fellowship. That's why you've got to guard your heart and your body with all diligence. That's why holiness is not only the will of God it just makes good emotional sense. You don't give body parts to somebody who's not committed to you. Preach Pastor Paul. I encourage myself right through here. Because some of you are looking at me like I'm tripping.

Where he come from he way back in the dark ages somewhere. No no this is timeless truth. You don't give your body to somebody who hasn't given their heart to you in marriage. Because now here you are trying to set somebody free and they're taking you with them.

The Bible says when you've given yourself to someone you become joined to them. And it's a problem and I've seen folk just about hate each other's guts and can't break up because they violated this principle. And they're so physically and emotionally invested in the wrong person and that's pure torture. You see folk who know they have no business being together.

Everybody knows they have no business being together and they can't break up to save their natural life. You got to just about kidnap one of them and take them somewhere and detox them and get them out of there. You feel like casting out the devil doing something to help them break free. Why?

Because we've been playing with fire. And the wise man Solomon said you can't take fire into your bosom and not be burned. So you got to get to that independent stage where I don't need you to tell me who I am. I know who I am.

And when the message I get from you is other than what I know to be truth I know how to dismiss the message and you. You don't let people hang out in your inner circle who are giving you the wrong message. You don't let people hang out.

You don't let some little raggedy friend, some little raggedy person come along and tell you you're nothing. You're never going to be anything. Wrong answer. Wrong answer.

You just got that one wrong. You go to jail. Do not pass. Go do not collect one hundred, two hundred dollars, whatever it is.

Go straight to jail. I'm marginalizing you. I'm not going to let you speak into my life and you don't know how to speak truth.

Let me tell you something. God has a plan for you to move there. Why is this important? Because only independent people can make the choice to move into the stage. God is bringing Jonathan and David into and bringing us into in some of our relationships and that is the interdependent stage. You go from dependent to independence to interdependence. Now interdependence is a stage only two independent people can move into. If you try to build an interdependent relationship with a person who is still emotionally dependent, you got a problem. Because you can't depend on them.

It's all them depending on you. Because they didn't get some things early in life. They still don't know who they are.

They still don't know what God is trying to do in their life. They still don't have a sense of self identity and you think you're building a mutual relationship and all you're doing is creating and enabling a codependent relationship. And so you've got to discern the people that God would bring into your life who know who they are. Who would say I know who I am. I'm not bringing you into my life so you can tell me who I am.

I'm not bringing you into my life so that I can make you like me or I become like you. We will remain different, whole people. But God wants us to walk together, pray together, grow together, serve together. So that together we can get more done than either one of us can get done alone. That's the will of God for your life. That's how you create a relationship characterized by oneness.

You make sure that there is that sense of self. Jonathan didn't embrace David because Jonathan lacked understanding of who God made him to be. He knew he was Saul's son. In fact later on we're going to see that he is willing to give up what he could have easily considered his right to the throne. Because Jonathan as Saul's son could have easily said well I'm to be the next king. I'm the prince. But he was so sure of who he was that later on we're going to see him say to David I know that God has raised you up as the next king. He said and I'm going to be second to you. You can only get there when you know who you are and you're not intimidated by the giftedness of other people. From dependence to independence to interdependence.

These are the three stages of growth and each is essential in grooming us for what comes next. Thanks so much for joining us for today's message, Built to Last. If you'd like more information about the Destined for Victory ministry or this month's special offer for all that are able to give their most generous gift this summer, visit pastorpaul.net.

That's pastorpaul.net. The problem with many of us is we don't graduate from the school of independence. And a lot of us stay independent, proudly, staunchly independent and I'm telling you that this is not God's will for your life. That's tomorrow when Pastor Paul Shepherd shares his message, Built to Last. Until then remember, he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. In Christ, you are destined for victory. .