Absurd Truth: SNL Makes Fun Of The Obvious

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. Well, I tell you, you know, you got to stay away from cocaine sharks. You know that, right? Cocaine sharks, it's a real thing. It's true. It's a real thing. There was a story from Scientific American about this, that there are cocaine sharks scarfing down drugs off Florida coasts. Because people truck drugs overboard when they think they're going to be seized by the Coast Guard or the Navy or something. So they have massive doses of cocaine.

And there's a reality show about this now, too. But if you don't have the ability to get a cocaine shark, you can do what this guy does. This Florida man, known as Hood Fishing Entertainment on social media, documented himself carrying a large shark as if he had just caught a catfish. He walks around with a gigantic shark. And in the video, the man proceeds to hold the large fish by the tail and take it for a modest walk in the shallow end of the beach, all while sporting a wide grin and acting seemingly unconcerned about the fact that he was handling an actual live shark. But this guy seems very, very confident that he's holding a shark.

He doesn't seem at all concerned. But this Florida man should just be careful because if that shark is high in cocaine, I'm just saying. You know, there was White House cocaine dogs. Those were the commander and major. They got, I think, whoever's cocaine it was at the White House. We don't know who's.

We could guess. But these sharks are, I mean, if you're a drug dealer and you've got to throw cocaine overboard and there's a shark there, sharks can eat anything. You saw Jaws, you know this. They just swim around. They eat anything.

Their mouths wide open. Tires and cocaine, whatever it is. But this guy doesn't mind holding a shark. This guy, your county man, though, in Florida, this guy crashed into a canal. I know all these people being dumb on the water, right?

High on drugs, high on booze, high on something or other. Had a police chase with the police boats. Wild ride. And ultimately then he crashed into a canal and swam, made a run for it. It was like a triathlon here. He swam, made a run across the street to the Home Depot parking lot.

Then he jumped a couple fences, hid out in some bushes until a canine found him soaked and covered in mud. I would recruit this guy. I mean, this is a guy who could play for a team.

I'm just saying. Does all the things. The running, the jumping, the evading, swimming. It's not easy to be a triathlon. It's not easy to be a triathlon. So, Simon Skya, don't let him go to waste.

Just simply put him in jail where he belongs. Maybe there'll be an Olympic spot. As we move, our partners in whatever this was, our friends at Kel-Tec, the Sub 2K. Before you go, I've heard about the Sub 2K. I've got... No, you don't. You don't have the Gen 3 version. I promise you, you don't. You got what I do. It's like when you fold up your gun, your 9mm carbine, you got to take all your optics off and everything else.

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Tell them Dana sent you. The right to vote is still under attack. And that is why the Justice Department is fighting back. That is why one of the first things I did when I came into office was to double the size of the voting section of the Civil Rights Division. That is why we are challenging efforts by states and jurisdictions to implement discriminatory, burdensome and unnecessary restrictions on access to the ballot, including those related to mail-in voting, the use of drop boxes and voter ID requirements. That is why we are working to block the adoption of discriminatory redistricting plans that dilute the vote of black voters and other voters of color. So you see, voter ID is racist and it's got to be something stopped. Also things like, you know, postmarks on ballots.

That's also discriminatory. Why should you have to put a postmark on your mail-in ballot when you mail it in and prove that it was actually mailed? Welcome back to The Dana Show.

Glad you're here to be Rich Zeoli in for Dana today. There's actually a case going through the courts involving Pennsylvania and whether or not ballots have to be postmarked properly and dated properly. In the 2020 election in Pennsylvania, the Supreme Court said, we really don't care that the law says the time, matter and place of the election is decided by the legislature. And we don't care that the legislature requires ballots to have postmarks and that they have to be legible and they have to be postmarked prior to the election.

We'll override all those things and we'll let all these ballots count. Part of the reason why people don't trust the process anymore. And there you have the Attorney General of the United States, Merrick Garland, saying voter ID requirements are discriminatory, burdensome and unnecessary. What about all the other things you need an ID for?

Are they also discriminatory, burdensome and unnecessary? What about all the other things you need postmarks for? I mean, if you send in your taxes late and it's not postmarked by the 15th or 16th or whatever the day is, the IRS will assess fines and consider your taxes to be late. That postmark is not on tax day. Just saying, it's technically late. They get it a few days later, but the postmark is not on the 15th or whatever the date is this year.

They always change it, depending on that Monday, right? It's considered late. Well, isn't that burdensome? Isn't that unnecessary? Isn't that discriminatory?

I'm always late when I mail things out. You're discriminating against me. But this is the efforts by Democrats going into 2024 to try to make sure that they can sow as much chaos as possible. Because they know that they can use mail-in ballots and drop boxes to cheat.

We've seen the evidence. Remember the one video of that woman who was the secretary of the county, the county clerk. She was stuffing the ballot box and she was caught on camera stuffing the ballot boxes that her office is in charge of. And the only reason why we knew about it was because there was a whistleblower in the office who blew the whistle on it.

Because her camera is right over the drop boxes to monitor them to make sure people don't cheat. And there's the clerk stuffing the ballot box. So of course all these things are rife for chaos and rife for cheating and the Democrats want to do everything they possibly can to make sure that they're able to cheat if necessary. Part of that is the requirement that a ballot has to be dated. That's the old thing. You know, how many ballots do you need?

We're about 115 shy. And then all of a sudden 125 ballots just magically appear. In order to make sure that doesn't happen, you make sure that the mail-in ballots were actually mailed in prior to election day and not just dropped off after the fact because you need the extra votes. This is why people don't believe the process is legit. This is why people have their confidence in elections undermined. But they're going to try.

They're going to keep trying. And I have no doubts that something is coming involving a reason to have people do more mail-in balloting. And Republicans need to embrace it.

They do. Republicans need to embrace mail-in balloting and drop boxes. I don't like it. You don't like it.

We don't like it. But it's a huge advantage and the Democrats are seizing the opportunity. And Republicans are far too often just letting it play out on election day. And the problem is that if the Democrats have such a head start doing the early voting, the early in-person voting, the drop boxes, the mail-in ballots. If they have such a head start doing all those things, well, then they're going to be able to do what they have to do to be able to pull this off. And even if that involves cheating, they'll do it.

But also, Republicans are leaving it up the chance that everything is going to work out just fine on election day. You don't want to be in that position. You're driving home and something goes wrong. You get a flat tire. Meeting goes late.

Kids are sick. Can't go out and vote. All those things. So you wind up having your vote not count. And the truth is, I can't go to my polling place and get there at 805 and say, well, listen, I hit a red light.

It was traffic. And you're disenfranchising me if you don't allow me to vote now. I can't do that. But if my mail-in ballot is received after election day without a postmark on it, the Democrats are arguing that that ballot should still be counted.

Why? If you didn't do it right, if you didn't fill it out right, you're an idiot. It's not that hard.

You got to sign and date it and then mail it back. You can't do those simple things. I don't want your vote counting because you're an idiot.

You're probably voting for an idiot person because you can't read simple instructions. Hunter Biden, as you know, the Hunter Biden issue is not going away for Joe Biden. It's a real problem for him. The question of whether or not the president of the United States of America is corrupt is weighing on people's minds heavily. But it's not just that. It's all of the things.

That's just one piece of it. People are looking at Biden right now through the lens of an old guy who can't stand trial for the classified documents thing because a jury would just say, oh, he's elderly and forgetful and just a kindhearted old man. They're looking at him through the lens of the special counsel turning around and saying, Biden can't stand trial? His memory is too bad? And you know the special counsel is covering for Biden with that statement. I mean, he wants everybody to focus on that and not focus on what he really found, which is that Joe Biden had classified documents in his possession the same time that Hunter Biden was doing all the work with Ukraine. And Hunter was coming up with charming missives about Ukrainian national security and the threat the Russians pose and Ukrainian energy.

At the same time, the guy was high as a kite on crack. All right, folks, so new sponsors over at Fast Growing Trees, the biggest online nursery in the United States, and they have more than 10,000 different kinds of plants and over 2 million happy customers in the United States. Get lemon, avocado, olive, fig trees. You can have all of these at your home on top of the wide variety of houseplants that they have available. Fast Growing Trees makes it really easy to order online and your plants are shipped directly to your door in just one to two days. And along with their 30 day alive and thrive guarantee, they also offer free plant consultation. If you are not like me, I have a green thumb, but if you're not like me, then you can always ask them questions about whatever it is that you need.

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Offer is valid for a limited time, so tell them we sent you. And now, all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's Quick Five. Well, because Hollywood isn't woke enough, there's now a climate reality check test for movies. Yes, a climate reality check for movies. It's a new test directed at writers, producers, and other entertainment industry creatives that aims to measure the presence of climate change by evaluating 31 feature films nominated for an Academy Award. And this year, three Oscar-nominated features passed, including Barbie, Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 1, and some other stupid movie.

I don't know. They all properly show the impacts of climate change, the more you know. Mark Zuckerberg is worried about the end of times. He's among other millionaires who are prepping by hoarding gold. Yes, prepping by hoarding gold as election and sell outages spark end-of-times fear. I think little Zuck is also one of those guys who's building a gigantic bunker, a big bunker for himself.

The bunker's probably bigger than most of our houses, but it'd be one of those underground bunkers. All the rich guys always have that and properly stocked with a good amount of fine wine because, you know, wine only continues to age, obviously. What's with all these grenades? A thrift store called Cops, after someone donated a World War II grenade, they'd been using it as a paperweight. The local police said the grenade was decommissioned and the donor said he's been using it as a paperweight, but the thrift store was nervous. They called 911 and officers proceeded to evacuate the store and the surrounding businesses out of an abundance of caution, but the experts determined that it was, in fact, decommissioned. But in New York, anti-Israel protesters stopped cops from reaching an actual grenade in an Uber during a Times Square march, according to sources.

The grenade was inert, an inert grenade, but not decommissioned. It was in the back seat of an Uber in Times Square Saturday. The NYPD bomb squad struggled to reach it due to anti-Israel protesters blocking traffic. Can we start arresting people, please, for blocking traffic? It's not a constitutional right to block traffic and to stop the authorities from being able to do their job and also making me late for work.

You're never going to win hearts and minds by blocking traffic. Just FYI, heads up, just so you know. Another thing for your health, just two cans of soda a week, maybe too much, even if you exercise, according to a new study. Now, I'm not a big soda guy myself. I prefer something called beer. But nevertheless, if you do drink soda, know this.

The corn syrup, the sugary sodas, or if you mix it with bourbon or something like that, which you should never do, could turn out to be majorly, majorly problematic for your health, even just two cans a week. Imagine that. Jamie Raskin and some of the other idiots came out with a bill. They're working on federal legislation to remove Trump from the ballots. In the name of democracy, they're going to take Donald Trump off the ballot on the federal level.

That's what they're trying to do. And I told you, I think Jack Smith, the special prosecutor, is probably going to come back and hand Trump more charges related to giving aid and comfort to an insurrection. Thereby, they can properly remove him using the 14th Amendment Section 3 by finding him guilty with a jury in D.C. That's what they're going to try to do. But the other scenario, of course, is that they just decided to swap out Joe Biden, which I'm not convinced is not going to happen. I think it's very likely they swap Biden out at the convention.

I really do. Maybe even before. But they want to wait as long as possible. Whoever they swap in to take Biden. And it's not going to be Kamala Harris because she's even worse. She's even more unpopular than Biden is, if you can believe that. Otherwise, Biden would have been gone already. They also have a problem, which is they can't just swap out Kamala Harris with another white dude like Gavin Newsom because Woke won't like that.

Woke will be very, very upset. And Kamala Harris is not going to win you any black voters. Her record alone as a prosecutor in California would disqualify her. She went after so many black people for drug crimes. Something that Trump has effectively been doing to ingratiate himself with the black community is talking about that. The weaponization by the Department of Justice against him is something that people can relate to.

They see with their own eyes. And now SNL is even mocking Joe Biden on his age. Over the weekend, Bill Maher came out and said Biden should just acknowledge he's old. Acknowledge that he walks around like he's a toddler who pooped his pants. Acknowledge it and walk around and just say the truth. But I think they're all saying these things because they want Biden out of the race.

I do. I think that this is their way of trying to get him out because they know he loses to Trump. And Trump is the ultimate threat to the swamp. They're not worried about Nikki Haley. I mean, Nikki Haley is no shot at winning, but they'd be fine if Nikki Haley wins because Nikki Haley will keep the war in Ukraine going. And that's really, let's face it, that's what these people care about. The establishment, the swamp, the military industrial complex, as long as the war in Ukraine gets fully funded, they don't care who's president. But they know it won't with Trump. And that's the problem.

They knew Trump wouldn't start any more wars, so they tried to stop him from becoming president in 2016 and then undermine his presidency when he wasn't there. But here's SNL mocking Joe Biden over his age and their cold open. Cut 22. Hello, Dana. Pleasure to be with you to talk about the most vigorous man I've ever known. Joe Biden. Really? Absolutely. I was just with him. And behind closed doors, he's a whirlwind.

I mean, Dana, look at his schedule. 7 a.m. Soul Cycle class.

And I'm not talking about taking one. He leads it. 8.30 a.m. plays speed chess in the park. 8.32 a.m. wins chess game, points at opponent and says, next time, young blood. 9.30 a.m. meets with joint chiefs for a military strategy meeting and push up contest.

10.02 a.m. wins contest, points at the head of the joint chiefs and says, next time, young blood. The fact that they're making jokes about Biden and Saturday Night Live, something they haven't done for years. Remember early on in 2020 when they had Jim Carrey play Joe Biden as the cool guy who wore aviator sunglasses? They've never really made fun of Joe Biden before.

So now they're mocking him and mocking his age. And doesn't that sound a lot like the clip I played you earlier in the show about Mayorkas? When he goes on, he goes, oh, trust me, this guy, he is operationally focused and detail oriented and probing and blah. It sounds exactly like that. Behind closed doors, Biden is just he's he's totally with it.

It's just when he gets in front of the camera that he just looks old and doddering and out of it. And it's not going to work. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.