Absurd Truth: Non-Citizen or Newcomer?

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast, sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man.

We'll be right back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. And they said that they watched his car jump the curb and all this stuff. And he hit all these other vehicles in the parking lot. He's just a hot mess. He's in hot mess territory. They said he looked like he was impaired. And then he said, yes, I did use some meth. And they found the glass pipe, all this stuff in there. So yeah, not good for him.

This one. This is a smoking gun story. I've only heard about this and I've seen this in movies before.

Yeah. A strip club patron was battered with a cash stack. A strip club patron was walloped in the face with a small stack of cash by a female worker who told arresting officers that this is the place where money is thrown everywhere.

But thrown, not wielded, right? They were summoned late Tuesday night to a club. I'm not going to give any of the names of those. And they said that the victim told cops that he was talking to several employees about his career. And the women were upset that he had not provided them any tips. And apparently the 24-year-old was ignorant of strip joint etiquette. And said that he did not see any signs stating that it was mandatory to tip. And the employees were upset that he had not thrown money at them, which was a common practice at the establishment. And a friend told police that the victim was drunk and had been talking about having a lot of money and not wanting to provide a tip. And then one of the dancers said he had been rude and she picked up a small stack of money and hit him in the face with it. But she told the cops that cash was tossed in a non-aggressive manner. And then that's when she had the famous line, this is the place where money is thrown everywhere. So they arrested her for battery and misdemeanor. She had to post a $500 bond.

Was that the amount that he got hit with? I don't know. They just said a small stack of cash. I want to just, just strip club etiquette. It's like if a girl talks, I don't know.

I'm going to need details. Like, we tip too much for things now. Does my whiskey glass go to the left of the cash stack or to the right of the cash stack? So what, like if they talk to you, you have to give them money? That's the etiquette.

Like any time, like if they look at you, do you give them money? Like I don't even understand this. I wonder if that's part of the etiquette. I don't know. I don't think so.

I feel like I don't want to compromise any of the dudes associated with this show, so I'm not going to ask any of you to provide any expertise. But it's just weird to me. I didn't even know that that existed.

I just am like thinking like, well, gosh, I can't talk about any of this. I'm just like, if there's, usually there's an exchange that happens and someone goes above and beyond and service for you and then you get a tip. But like, is this one of those things where you go and you are at the counter and you buy a bagel and no one does anything and then they ask you to tip? Is it like that?

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That's KelTecWeapons.com. Tell them Dana sent you. Well, first of all, let me say that we don't use the term illegal immigrants. I actually issued a policy in the Department of Homeland Security.

We use the term non-citizen to respect the dignity of every individual as a preliminary matter. I'm short-circuiting right now because all of a sudden I'm full of insults. Give me a second, guys. It's Friday. Give me a second.

Sure, his policy fixed a lot of things. I mean, it's taken everything I have, Cain. We'll all get fired. We'll all get fired. They'll shut all of our affiliates down.

This is where some Enya, which we can't do on the stream because it's not licensed. Yeah, because they'll find us. Now I'm going to get mad again. What am I supposed to do?

Yeah, this would be the time to do it. Oh, my gosh. I'm going to have to get one of them squeezy things. The little thingies.

Is it stressful? Yeah, well, yeah, but the little eyes go beep-beep and they pop out of it. It doesn't sound like you're really hurting something.

Well, it's just, you know, it's a payoff immediately, you know, like you squeeze the thing and it's eyes beep. It's just. That's Alejandro and me or it goes, it's Friday. Can we just be weird today? Can I can I tell you something? Do you ever meet people? Please do not interpret this as me sounding like a bee, although it does. Let's see.

I'm not going to lie. Do you ever meet people and you look at them and you're like, I would have picked on you in school. Like, I totally would have. Do you ever do that?

Do you ever meet people and you're like, oh, yeah, I totally picked on you in school. Yeah. That's only you, I think.

No, it's not. You think of it. Shut up. You're so mean. All of you out there listening, all of our friends, you guys have done this. Stop lying.

It's true. I'm just giving. I can hear a couple of you going, no, I've never done that. Just having some Friday fun. I'm an angel.

Adjust Halo. You people, I'm not talking. No, I totally relate to that. See, he's like one of those kind of dudes. He gets up there and he's like, we don't use the term illegal immigrants. We use the term non-citizen.

Well, you're a non-male. And? Respect the dignity of every individual.

We were respect that dignity. I just. I can't right now. Oh, my gosh.

I'm not going to sit here and be lectured and castigated by this guy. Newcomers. Newcomers. Oh, look at these lads.

It's like a Ricky Gervais joke that's like come to life. Oh, just you lads then let's all go. Oh, look at the newcomers.

Hello. I don't know why it turned British all of a sudden, but you guys get the point. What in the world? They're all fighting age men coming over and they want you to think it's xenophobic to to recognize that and criticize it.

That's like if somebody in a ski mask breaks into your house and you're like, oh, no, no, I'm sorry, sir. You've got to, you know. Yeah, it's just a newcomer and don't be xenophobic.

You know, don't be like my house is the best. Can't think that. Xenophobia. We live and we live in a simulation. I am positive that something happened to all of us and we live in a simulation. Aliens are real and we are their entertainment. We're like their Bravo TV. The Real Housewives of Earth. That's what this is right now. And you're all we're all housewives. The Real Housewives of Earth. Oh, newcomers then.

We don't use the term. Can I hear this again? I want you to look how smart me he is. I'm sorry, Juan.

I want to look how smart me he is in his smart me little smart me face. Trying. Well, first of all, let me say that we don't use the term illegal immigrants. I actually issued a policy in the Department of Homeland Security.

We use the term non-citizen. Sir, you solved all the crimes at the borders. It's time for a medal.

And then like the horns play and you know the rise of the podium comes up and the flag drops and the lights dim. Spotlight on the podium and here comes Alejandro Mayorkas. You just won a citizenship award. You stopped all the crimes. Look at you.

You changed the world. Can you believe Alejandro Mayorkas stopped all the crimes at the border because he stopped using the term illegal immigrant and he used non-citizen cartels all across Mexico and Central and South America laid down their arms today and all shook hands and set their drugs on fire. No more.

We're going to sell drugs to stupid Americans, they said, because Alejandro Mayorkas uses the term non-citizen. It's happened. Can you feel it?

So he issued a policy on that but not about closing the border. No. No. About the language. It's weird. About the language, you know, because this is how it works. So like say you're, you know, going to try to sneak across the border and the moment that you get in the United States, you can't see it, but it's like something magical happens. And I'm trying to give you a reference that is something that you will know and not the video game reference I was going to use, but something magical happens, right? Like little asterisks and stuff appear in the air above their head, right?

Little golden asterisks start going off because something magical has happened. Once they entered the United States, no, they are not illegal immigrants, nay. They are non-citizens. And then they said, wow, we just got this gift of dignity. We're going to go back.

This is mean. We're not going to come in illegally. We're going to go back.

And then they all turned around and went back to Mexico. True story. Mm-hmm.

Does he think that's what's going to happen? We use the term. Oh, do you now?

We use the term. Oh, my gosh. I just, what a smarmy jack wagon. Look at me, teacher. He is so pick me.

He is such a pick me, dude. Oh, my gosh. Look at me, teacher.

We use the, this I find. No, no, it's actually not legally correct. You can sit here and issue whatever little edict you want to. But illegal alien is actually the correct legal term. And not just in the United States either, by the way.

Just so you know. Respect the dignity of the individual. What about the individual respects the dignity of a state sovereign, of the sovereignty of a state, of a country, or the sovereignty of a border state, or why don't you respect the dignity of the citizens that have to deal with the fallout consequence of your illegal action of entering illegally? What about respecting the dignity of Americans?

My gosh, would you look at this? You're called racists and xenophobes and bigots and Christian nationalists and all this other stuff. But Avi Dame, you come across here with a package of fentanyl. You're just a newcomer.

You're just a noncitizen. So if I, can I go into like a Macy's? Or like a Bloomington? The Nordstrom Pipeline.

Let's talk about, you know, KJP. Yes, I know it's Nordstrom. She said Nordstrom Pipeline. I like that better.

Can you just go to Nordstrom and like take something to walk out? Where's your receipt? Well, it's undocumented. This is an undocumented acquisition. No, you stole it.

No, no, no, no. It is an undocumented acquisition, sir. This is me talking to the loss prevention officer. Because it's not theft, it's just undocumented, right? It's an undocumented acquisition. I like this. I say we expand it.

Like expand it as far as it can go. How about stop using the term illegal guns? All we need to do is just call them undocumented wireless hole punchers. That's right. No, this is just undocumented. It's acceptable. Yeah, I do like that.

Yeah, you don't need, I do, I like that a lot. It's just, it's not a, it's just, I now want to get a 3D printer or I want to get parts and make a firearm and not serialize it. No, it's just undocumented.

And just start selling them, which is against federal law, but not if it's undocumented. Just non-documenting. Gosh, there's so many laws I don't want to follow.

Gosh, I can think of so many right now that I don't want to follow at all whatsoever. I mean, just think of the everyday stuff that you have to get documentation for. No, no, no.

I don't want to get, I don't want to do that anymore. Undocumented. Hey, if they can not follow the law, then surely I don't have to. You know, one day some like Charlie Day bird law expert kind of dude is going to show up and like actually litigate this. I'm just waiting for that day. I'm waiting for that hero.

This makes me so mad. We don't use the term like he's going to get some sort of citizenship award. He could probably bend over backwards and kiss his own backside. In fact, I bet he does. He seems like that dude.

I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd here, Ringo. And now all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's quick five. Wow, I'm so shocked over this headline. Global freedom has dropped sharply in 2023, according to a study. Really?

Democracy faced sharp widespread setbacks across the world. I know who's in charge of this stuff. I wonder.

Oh, my goodness. They noted some Taiwanese or not Taiwan, but Chinese areas. They noted, let's see, the biggest gain, though, was in Fiji.

They gained seven points on the freedom scoring thing, whatever. It's kind of Fiji's beautiful. Apparently, this is hysterical.

And I just could go on for this for the rest of the show. Fifty five percent of Latino Protestants support Christian nationalism is what Axio says. Now, can I just say that's a smear of these people, because to believe that your rights are God given and not in the jurisdiction of a courtroom created by men is not Christian nationalism. You illiterate, cousin loving morons.

That's not what Christian nationalism is. And if you guys want to have a fight with the Latino and Hispanic community, you want to sit here and tell them that they're Christian nationalists because they go to church and they think that their rights come from God and not man. Please go have that fight. We here at The Dana Show, we're going to pop some popcorn and watch you get your a double snakes whooped into a hole in the ground. So please, for the love of all things holy, I am so here for that fight. Can you hear for that fight? Half of you is here for that fight.

The other half is going to be fighting them. Yeah, you're a Christian nationalist. Yeah, look at that. And one's a white Christian nationalist who knew one's totally right now. Yeah, that's you know, but that's what they're that's what those are the rules.

Our brother Sergio, right? White adjacent. Telling you, that's how that's how it is now. Those are dim rules.

Dim rules though. This is weird. Parents are warned over a popular toy robot. I don't even like them as toys that malicious actors can use. Use like to hack it and steal.

Get into the account and like spy on you. This is a this is a British firm, a cybersecurity firm. And they're looking at this popular toy robot and it looks cute. It's this little it's like a it's like a cross between a smart speaker and a smartphone tablet on wheels and a little cartoon like face. And, you know, it just it's it's basically like a robot that you can put a little iPad in.

It's kind of what it looks like. But they say that the system is gullible and anybody with a robot ID can get lots of personal information on you. Like literally everything. I mean, they can hack the dang thing and they can spy on you. And that's I just don't like that stuff.

You don't need no robots up in your house. Stop it. I'm not reading the humpback whale story because I don't have enough time to break that down. Oh, and the biggest storm of the winter is set to bury parts of the Sierra Nevada with over 100 inches of snow. That's like 10 feet. Oh, my gosh. They said it's a blizzard that's going to last days and it's going to just blast them with snow this weekend.

There could be a lot of travel shutdowns, so it's going to be over the Sierra Nevada range. And oh, man, I'm like like echo stomach could get up to 10 feet. That's crazy. So this is AJC politics. Jill Biden is launching a program to mobilize female voters in Atlanta. Well, you can't even define what a woman is. So it's probably just a bunch of chicks with. Well, you don't even know what a woman is.

Can't even define it. It's a national organization. She's launching it today in Atlanta. And they're mobilizing women behind President Joe Biden to hold him up so he doesn't fall over. It's the Women for Biden Harris Initiative, and they're making stops in battleground states like Arizona, Nevada and Wisconsin over the weekend. They want to mobilize women volunteers and they want to have these female surrogates and they want to they want to focus on Biden's support for abortion and gun control and other key proposals. And that's that's what they're looking to do.

So they. Is this is it is works Women's History Month. Do you all get a history month? Yeah.

You get one. Oh, no, that's right, because you guys are supposed to be toxic or whatever. Apparently, MTV wrote about this back in 2016. Here's why there's no men's history month. Let me guess, it's dumb.

Yeah, it's pretty. Yeah. There's some petitions out there for a men's history month, but. Well, they're taking advantage of women's history month.

Right. But if most men are like me, they don't notice how none of the Democrats women's history month stuff. None of them ever talk about how they fought against women's suffrage.

They literally did. They they all opposed it. Women have the right to vote because Republicans. Not because of Democrats.

That's fact. I knew that even in high school, they tried to tiptoe around it, but Democrats have always been on the wrong side of everything. I mean, Civil War and the promotion of slavery and Democrats wanted it. The trail of genocide with the indigenous Americans is Democrats. You know, the Japanese camps is Democrats.

I mean, seriously, everything that's bad. They've been on that side. How do you get away with being like, we support women, except we when we didn't want them to vote. So they are taking advantage of women's history month and they're trying to mobilize this. Now, they had this.

I don't know what they're because they're they're not really doing. The White House isn't making Biden available for person to person, like one on one sit downs with members of the press and Biden. I think Seth Meyers was like the only thing. And that didn't that didn't have very good ratings. Washington Examiner said that nobody watched it, that it was a drastic ratings drop amongst younger viewers that I did not even know that Seth Meyers had.

They said that they brought it. We have millions of listeners across the country a day. OK, that's measured and measurable. The interview that Joe Biden did with Seth Meyers brought in just over eight hundred and fifty thousand viewers. It was 32 percent fewer, 32 percent less than the day before. Yeah, so she's they're trying to mobilize and they hope to get young women out and all this other stuff.

I don't know. And so the they're going to get Kamala out there with Jill. Georgia is an important state, and that's why they are. That's why Biden's been focusing a lot of time on it. And I got to tell you, Republicans didn't help themselves in Georgia either. I just remember the special election when we were down there, too. That was the Senate seats down there.

That's how we ended up losing the Senate, because there were Republicans telling other Republicans to not vote. And in Marjorie Taylor Greene's super conservative district, there were fewer voters who turned out for that than almost anything. It had one of them like a record low turnout. We ended up losing the Senate because of a lack of Republican turnout entirely. And I will never forget.

I've never seen anything like it. I was at one stop. I mean, it was just literally going around the state and talking to people and encouraging them to vote. And people were like, well, we're just you know, it doesn't matter anyway.

We're just not going to vote. I'm like, you have to overwhelm the left. Stop thinking that you're you know.

And I told people, I said, look, because I was frustrated. I said, if I were on the left, I would I would literally infiltrate the right. I would get your confidence and I would tell you to not vote because your vote doesn't count. I would make you steal your own vote for me.

That's what I would do. And that's exactly what Democrats did. So they're going to these swing states, so they don't care about you broads that aren't in swing states.

Forget you chicks. They're going to the swing states. Those are the only broads that matter. And so they're running on great abortion and gun control.

Wonderful. But I wonder if you said, well, we'll do abortions with guns, then they'd probably be against gun control at that point. It's true. It's true.

I mean, when you think of like what happened to the infants, it's probably so many of them are in October 7th. That's why so many of them have been defending Hamas. Anyway, it's true.

You guys know it's true. So they're going to these swing states. And I don't know, is that going to work? Does Jill Biden have that kind of sway?

Si, se puede. Does she have that kind of sway? You got, how does she say bodega again? I cannot say it wrong. It's like bodega. Bodega. Is that what she says? Bodega.

Bodega. She almost makes it sound like she's getting close to the capital, Colombia. She is so off.

Yeah. Do you think that she is? Is she going to try to, does she have any shine to give Joe? Shine? You know what I mean? Like, does she get any popularity she can lend over to him?

I'm not seeing it. I mean, who's out there going, well, I was unsure and then Jill Biden came and told me about abortions and so now I'm all in. Who thinks like that? I think the media and Jill herself has actually already worn out that whole doctor thing.

Yeah, because it's like, she's not like a doctor doctor. No. It's a vanity plate. I think it's a, I guess some of you are going to get so mad at me and I don't care.

If you're not rearranging guts, it's a tax on stupidity. You know I'm right. Don't get mad at me. Don't get mad. I can feel the rage.

Don't get mad at me and change the dial or if there's no dial to change anymore. Don't do it. Stop it. Hands off. So, I don't know. I don't think this is going to work for them, but they're going to try. They're going to pull out all the stuffs, you guys. Thanks for tuning into today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth Podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.