Absurd Truth: CyberBeast

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec.

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. Colorful underwear, people stealing wine and an explosive smart toilet. That's what we have on deck today.

Yeah, I know all these things. So a robbery suspect. Police were able to catch him because of his very colorful underwear. A pair of multicolor briefs that peaked out above his trousers helped police arrest him a year later.

This is what the Fed said in New York, the Associated Press. It happened at a tobacco shop in Queens. Three masked men got out of a Mazda, entered the store according to the federal complaint. Two of the men, they pointed their guns at the employees and customers. The third robbed the cash register. But they spotted very colorful briefs and a large letter R in white in the year 1990 in yellow. And so a tipster passed along the Instagram handle of the suspect with the colorful underwear and they and they found them they were selling they had sold the merchandise at another Queens location. And so they yeah, they they were able to get him because of his britches.

Because he's stupid. Yeah. Oh, man. Now, I don't know I watched the South Park episode where they had the Japanese toilets and I was like that looks so cool. And they they're really kind of there.

I mean, they're very interesting. This smart toilet apparently exploded while someone was using it not because someone was using it a this man may barely managed to get off his smart toilet with an intact backside after smoke started coming out of the toilet bowl and the entire thing burst into flames. The incident occurred on November 10. The man was using the toilet at first there was a small smoke the plumes of white smoke started billowing from the bowl. It's like a witch's cauldron. And finally, just as the man got up from the toilet, it burst into flames.

He took photos he didn't even have time to put his shorts on but he did take photos. It is pretty wild. It was like all lit up. I mean, it literally looked like a Halloween decoration. Now they they think it was a short circuit that sparked the fire.

And they they didn't actually say what make this was I kind of would like to know what make it was but I mean it apparently I mean it it there was this I guess it wasn't made properly or something but it blew up but that's that's kind of fascinating that just saying also let's see here oh here's the one I wanted a so I got two wine stories. There's one guy who stole I guess he's gonna have a party. He walked out of a Publix in Florida with 12 bottles of wine. Yeah, I love how this Publix is on Fiddlesticks Boulevard in Fort Myers.

God love you Fort Myers. Tampa they're looking for they could catch him. How do you not catch a guy who steals 12 bottles of wine?

No joke, right? They're like if anybody sees them call Crime Stoppers what he entered a Publix and literally walked right out with 12 bottles of wine. So you could do it like that or you could do it like this chick. A Florida woman got mad because she demanded that a couple buy her wine. And then she took a wine bottle and allegedly uses a weapon to hit a woman on the head and knocked her boyfriend out cold.

Sanford, Florida. Angela Glenn was arrested Thursday after a couple. She was demanding a couple pay for her bottle of wine at a gas station. She said that Glenn placed her bottle of wine on the counter with her order and they didn't want to pay for it. She got mad threatened them. So she's in custody.

Of course, that's not how you do it. Two winos there. Our friends over at Kel-Tec, the Sub 2K. This is like a really, really innovative gun.

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That's keltecweapons.com. Tell them that Dana sent you. The Tesla cyber beast. Did y'all watch this video? I mean, I can't remember if I sent it out to you. And I did.

I think I did tweet it out. Musk, it we made fun of it. And it literally looks like a child's drawing.

I mean, it I've never seen anything that looks more like a child's drawing in my life. It is apparently also the body of it can withstand nine millimeter and 45. Yeah, well, they must tweeted about that yesterday. And everyone else was like, just shoot the glass. Yeah, but you know, you're supposed to hide in the body. I mean, you get what I'm saying? Anyway, it's the most expensive of their all wheel and rear wheel drive, like the versions of it, the cyber beast, you have the cyber truck. The cyber beast is the most expensive. So this, I think it's the cyber truck that starts at 61. This one starts at 100.

Doesn't it? The cyber beast. It was pulling a 40,000 pound sled against an F 350 on a track. They had to run it up against a Porsche 911. And it was towing a Porsche 911 and it was beating a Porsche 911. It goes from hold up what's the top speeds 130 miles per hour. This thing is 6800 something pounds towing capacity of 11,000 pounds designed for all terrains.

It will terrify people as it approaches them because they're going to be like how did this leap off my child's page into the actual meat space in which I exist. It takes 2.6 seconds 060 while towing? Yeah. So that is what had me because I like fast cars. I love fast cars. I like heavy cars.

So I know we're gonna get more meat and potatoes and politics here in a moment. So when I had as my kids got a little older, I had my mom vehicle and I and it was making me depressed because they were started driving and I was all depressed and stuff. I'm like I don't want to drive this big vehicle because it's empty and quiet and it's sad. So I was like I want something that's loud and fast.

And I want to feel like I'm in fear of my life every time I close the door. And I got a real I got you know, I got exact checked all those boxes off. But the first thing I had asked though is I wanted to dodge demon. And I don't don't even think I got the part out of that. And Chris looks at me says no. So you're not getting he's like, that is not happening. I'm like, but why?

It's it checks these boxes. He's like, you're gonna wrap that around a tree was his first it would shake your head over there. Don't you shake your head.

I'm living with the thermostat. Okay, I agree with Chris on this one. And he's like, you're gonna wrap it around a tree. I'm like, but it goes fast.

And he's like, his eyes get bigger. Like, thank you for making my case for me. Yeah, that's great. So I did get a vehicle that will goes fast, but it has heavy door and I'm very pleased with it. But but yeah, and I was like, I was rolling off all the he was saying no to all of them.

And then but this one now because he likes gadgets. He is not as opposed to EVs as I am. I'm not really opposed to EVs.

I could. I really don't care how this is taken. I don't care about the whole environmental argument. I just really don't give a rat's backside. I don't care. If it looks cool, and it goes fast, I'm into it.

You don't like I like it. And it's also kind of a gadget. But this thing is weird.

I feel like you would have to take a class to use it. Right? It's like if a DeLorean was poorly drawn, and also a truck. It would be this right? Like the back of it looks like a damn barbecue grill.

Like Kane, you could roast your meat in that. It's weird. The way it all lifts up.

I don't know. It's just kind of weird to me. I like I don't like modernity.

I am a Mac am full on maximalist traditionalist, hardcore. But there is something to be said, again, it goes it's it's a giant vehicle that goes in 2.6 seconds, zero to 60. So that means, you know, your jowls are gonna fly back to the seat of, you know, the vehicle as you take off. I kind of like that, right?

And they're like, look, you can you can raise up the little What is that? Like a sun powered thing? Like a solar solar panel to charge while you're my only objection to EVs is how much of it has to be sourced in China.

How much of the materials have to be sourced in China. That's my only objection. I don't care about the environment all that I you know why because gas and coal it's like way better. Our extractions cleaner. It's just so much better. But I do like you know, I like I have an options. I'm just I don't like being gas lit and to think that it's better for the environment because nobody cares. But Musk is like, yeah, the doors are bulletproof 45 and nine millimeter.

He had a video in Austin, they did this whole thing where they were demonstrating it and they did they went to the track and they show this so it starts at 99 99 845 horsepower tri motor zero to 60 and 2.6 sub 11 second quarter mile. And they're rolling up on you, which would be good in a zombie apocalypse. Because you know that from you know, in my expertise, you know that the zombies are attracted by the noise. So I'm just saying, but they show you show you like camping with it. It shows all these people taking this thing out to camp camp with it.

It would be kind of interesting. It's very it's a brutalist design. It really is. It's a very brutalist looking design for sure. And I feel like you could cut your eye open on the edges.

It's not very child friendly. But I mean, I like I like it goes fast. It's it's powerful. I just wonder how like how many What do you think the batteries like in this thing?

How what did you replace it? It'd be more than the damn truck would have to be hefty. Geez, it's probably three quarters of the weight right there. And now all of the news you would probably miss.

It's time for Dana's quick five. So a study coming out of Scotland highlights cane a concern. I don't know why I'm talking to Scottish accent concerning link between adolescents that use social media frequently.

They say they're more prone to making dangerous decisions, probably because everybody's trying to compete with each other. Live in my best life. hashtag live my best life.

I mean, it just doesn't it seem like that. Remember what you see on social media is a curated life. So I hate so I don't know if you can tell I hate Instagram. I'm on it because everyone's like, why don't you post on Instagram?

Like because I don't because I hate Instagram. I am like a 1000 year old person in this but I don't know. Let's see Minnesota Middle School. They have banned students cell phones and kids are not allowed to do that. They're not happy. Oh, kids aren't happy. This school. They told students a year ago. Yeah, you're not.

You're not bringing your cell phones in all the time. They said it's made a night and day difference. They said it's game changing. It has a huge impact on their kids. They say that now they're actually engaging with each other. They're talking with each other. There's really good classroom discussion.

And that's I do agree with that. I think kids spend way too much time on their phones. They spend way too much time on their devices.

It doesn't help when the adults in their lives encourage it by doing the same and modeling that behavior. Let's see here this. Oh, man, this is what this is a story. I want the forklift story. So forklift is like a big thing. So like my stepdad drives a forklift. Like my kids are like grandpa he drives a forklift.

It's the coolest thing ever. This 12 year old stole a forklift led. Led police on an hour long chase. Okay, how fast did those go?

Me not knowing much about forklifts. I mean, what, 10 miles an hour? They even go that fast? Yeah, a little more than that. So you're on the road.

Yeah, this 12 year old could Ann Arbor, Michigan, isn't it snowing out there right now? They let he led police on an hour long chase. He hit 10 parked vehicles. It was a construction genie.

Does this matter tele handler? It weighs 35,000 pounds. He stole it outside Forsyth Middle School. It was unlocked with the key right inside the cab real smart. And they said it was a dangerous situation. It could have ended with injuries.

Thankfully, it didn't. And it was like just shortly before 7pm Saturday when it happened. And so it's like, And so yeah, it was they pursued it at 15 to 20 miles an hour.

Are you serious? 15 to 20 miles an hour. And they said that they were telling you know, don't go in front of the forklift. They were telling the kid to pull over all of this other stuff. He left city limits and all this and they had a county sheriff also in pursuit. He was taken into custody put into juvie.

No one was injured 15 to 20 miles per hour. My gosh, where were the parents at this whole thing? This is disgusting. A body of a missing man was found decomposing in the vents at a community college. Yeah, they found him. Sadly, he was reported missing back on November 1.

And no other information is available. That's horrible. Stick with us. So you know how we roll here on the Dana show?

I don't know how long we can let the illustrious Donny Hathaway play without getting in trouble. But you know, it's December 1. And I love me some Christmas. And I love Christmas music. Oh, get it Donny shake a hand. Donny Hathaway's this Christmas is one of the songs we got to start it with because it is a vibe. It sets the mood. It's happy. Oh, get it.

But the horns get it in there. If you can't listen because the simulcast. Shake a hand, shake a hand. I don't even know if that's what the man's saying, but I'll do it.

I'll do it. Yeah, there you go. Oh, my gosh. I heard this song all the time growing up. And my stepdad is a huge Motown fan, huge Motown fan. And I got into my first concert when I was growing up as a kid was literally all green. It's the first concert I ever went to. And I was 15. I knew every song. And I was I'm sure I you know, stuck out like a sore thumb.

And I'm like, why are we the youngest people here? But it was I mean, I love all of it. And I love Donny Hathaway stuff. I remember when I remember Friday nights, Friday nights was blockbuster video night, you get to go and you pick a movie.

And you know, I get to pick one of my parents got to pick one. I remember one time they picked James Brown live. And so I got to know all James Brown stuff. So I grew up loving, you know, all is loving Donny Hathaway, loving The Supremes, loving Al Green, loving James Brown, all of it.

I don't know, I had a very interesting upbringing. And I heard this song every Christmas. Of course, my stepdad had he had vinyl. I heard this on vinyl. And he was very particular. He had Donny Hathaway's album. He had this on it goes on B-Side.

I don't even remember. But he would play the song and we'd be decorating the tree and it would be Bing Crosby, some this, some Elvis, and some Donny Hathaway. And I mean, it is it's just like a whole vibe.

So we kick off the whole holiday season. Little Donny Hathaway, a little Bing Crosby. We got a little Paul McCartney and Wings because you got to play that even though my kids, you know, object.

It's such a great song. Kane's over here just jamming. You're jamming. Donny Hathaway is a mood, man.

You can't be mad when you're listening to Donny Hathaway. You're just like, you know what, shake a hand. That's right, Steve.

Steve, are you familiar with Donny Hathaway until you start working on the show? Oh, yeah. See, everybody knows this song. Everybody knows this song.

Everybody does. You know, Dionne Warwick doing Lil Drummer Boy. That's one of the best too.

That's such a great song. Oh my gosh, the fireside's blazing bright and they're caroling through the night y'all. It's Friday. It's December 1.

You guys think I'm joking. I put this video up. I don't think we can play it because it'll probably be like a copyright violation.

But you can go to my Instagram page at dlash. And you can find this video. It's this SNL thing that they did. The song was like, I wish it was Christmas today. And it was like a goofy little skit that they did. And it was Jimmy Fallon and some of the other guys Horatio Sands.

And they would he'd play this little guitar and they would sing. It was kind of goofy. Well, they had the Muppets do it. And the guy who was doing the the Kermit puppet that day was losing his mind. But I'm like, that's me on Christmas, though.

I am that Kermit puppet on Christmas. You guys thought I was joking. I'm not.

Not joking. So anyway, we have officially kicked it off. So when you rejoin me on Monday, we're gonna have like a whole snowy theme back here. Who knows we're gonna back here. We're gonna have like some mounds with some decorated trees.

We might have some Hobby Lobby trees up in here. You don't even know what we're gonna have in here. I mean, it's gonna be a winter wonderland follow la la la deck my halls that see that's what you can tell everybody this time of year when you're displeased instead of you know, bless your heart just say deck my halls. You know, alright, but it's officially kicked off. I told Lorraine I dropped her a message and I said Donny Hathaway time and she's probably like what? What is she's probably thinking this? She's like she's buried in the Santos congressional stuff. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.