Absurd Truth: Turkey Twinks

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. This is literally the second time in I think three years or two years that this kind of story has happened. So a Florida Man was arrested because he tried to run to London across the Atlantic Ocean in a homemade hamster truck. Now making it up, US Coast Guard intercepted Reza Bellucci about 70 miles off of Tybee Island, Georgia on August 26. They said that the 44-year-old marathon runner refused to leave the vessel for days and sadly had previously threatened to kill himself. Now he has tried three, I bet he was the guy then that was in the story. He's tried three similar voyages before, all of which ended in Coast Guard intervention.

The makeshift contraption that he was using, it's shaped like a wheel, has paddles that are designed to propel it forward as the wheel revolves. And so they said that it was not safe. It was manifestly unsafe. And they were prepared. This was like right before the hurricane arrived. So they got him, he refused to leave his vessel, then he said he had a bomb on board, but he was arrested.

He had no bomb. And he was, what, drifting 30 miles south. Of his departure points. So yeah, he had to be rescued in 2021. Yeah, he tried to do this before in 21.

He also tried to do it again before that in 2014. I don't know why. I get I get this guy has a death wish. I think he needs help. Good heavens. Let's see this. Oh, let's, a man gets 12 years in prison after he drove his truck through an, oh, there's the Ace Hardware.

I like those Ace Hardware commercials. That's not the story. This guy drove his truck. Florida man named Lionel Medina got a 12-year prison term. He ran into, ran, rammed his truck into an Ace Hardware. He was just sentenced, though, yesterday. The crime happened last year. It was all caught on camera. He forced his way into the store and was able to grab as much stuff as he could before fleeing the scene, thousands of dollars of stuff. Clearly, because it was all on video, they were able to easily identify his vehicle and identify him.

And they arrested him and now he's going, he's going to the pokey. But, oh my gosh, like, everything is on camera nowadays. It's the dumbest way to, were you wanting to get caught? Like, I don't even understand. Like, how would you, what is the point of that? I mean, were you wanting to get captured?

Doesn't make any sense. Let's see this. Oh, one guy got, he got an assault charge because he threw, repeatedly threw snickers at a manager's face in Walgreens because he was denied the sale of cigarettes. I got to save this one for you tomorrow because I don't know how many snickers he threw, but it was a lot of them.

He ended up getting arrested. We're all going to be in the struggle bus, apparently. So Macy's, their Thanksgiving Day parade is marred in controversy already. We can't have nice things. It's because of the turkey twinks. It's invasion of the turkey twinks.

It's what we have. 70,000 people have signed a petition because they, why are you going to, what are people going to do? They had the parade people. They're saying, they're having two people who are crotch deniers in their lineup.

The, stolen from Kane, over there. They call themselves gender nonconforming. You're a crotch denier. They're a gender nonconforming.

I don't know why you, they feel the need to like push that in the parade. I don't know, but they do. So there are two, of course it's Broadway. There's one dude who is a crotch denying singer who is a dude and uses all the pronouns. You don't get all the pronouns. Okay. Well, cause it says he uses he, she, they pronouns.

What the hell is even that? No, you don't get, you get one. You don't get all of them. Okay.

You get one. And then they have another dude who wants to be, is a crotch denier and wants to be a chick and uses also all the pronouns. No, this is not correct. We're not using all the pronouns. And they look like dudes.

They look exactly like what you think dudes would look like with makeup on. There it is. So I just don't understand why, like one of them has a song and the lyrics are, quote, I won't change who I've always been. A-W-O-M-A-N. A-W-O-M-A-N. Well, you have a P-N-I-S.

So you are not a W-O-M-A-N. Crotch deniers. It's a whole movement of them. So why, I just, why do you got to push that in the Thanksgiving Day parade?

Why? Why do you got to push it? Why do you got to push this in the Thanksgiving Day parade?

It is, it is complete. Can you just let America have something without trying to be obnoxious about it? Can you just let America have something without pushing some twinkery or something?

Like let people enjoy the day they get up and they start the baking and the cooking of the turkey and they just want the parade on in the background without someone who is there because of what they pretend is in between their legs. Please stop. Can we just have a nice day? That's all I want. I feel like Catherine O'Hara right now in Beetlejuice. If you don't let me express myself the way that I want to, I will go crazy and I will take you all with me. Same thing. You know, like the days when, when you would have the Rockettes out there, you know, kicking their legs.

And when you did all that, you had all that out there, right? Like, and it was just like Santa and, and it's Thanksgiving and Snoopy and no twinks and all of that. We don't have to Studio 54 the Thanksgiving Day parade.

We don't have to. Do you watch the parade, Kane? Oh, I have it on. I'm used to it. If I watch, I'm always cheering and hoping for one of those giant balloons to get away from them.

Not going to lie. You know what I mean? That's kind of what, it's like when you watch racing and you just want to see the crashes kind of.

That's so horrible. I want to see someone almost die. Well, no, I mean, that's why people watch. That's the excitement of it. I just think it'd be funny to watch a balloon fly away. Right. It'd be hysterical. Someone goes hanging on for dear life.

Like up. Maybe, maybe just like tie. No, because that'll be, you know where I was going with my trying to thought. You guys understand?

Yeah, I, I, I, yeah, I love that. That, that's, that would be, that's, we only have the old school stuff, like the old school, you know, the Thanksgiving. I'm used to, this is how we do Thanksgiving. You have the Thanksgiving day parade when you're, while you're cooking and preparing the food and then you eat. And then it's, TBS used to have, is TBS a thing anymore? When I was a kid, it was TBS.

I don't even know what the hell it stood for. But they would have a Christmas story. Was it during Christmas or Thanksgiving? Because technically it's a Christmas story, but it starts before Thanksgiving. Right.

I think both. Yeah. And so that was on like 24-7. It was on for a full 24 hours and you had to have it on. And at Grandma and Grandpa's house, they had it on. You weren't allowed to touch it until at least it cycled twice after everyone ate. And then you're allowed to watch football. Then you could turn it and then after that everybody plays, everybody's in the backyard freezing their butts off at the picnic table.

Or if it's that cold, they take over the dining room table and my grandparents' little tiny house and they play dominoes. So that's how it went. So they, that's, that was how every Thanksgiving went. And so I'm just saying like that's, let's go back old school. Let's do old school, right? Let's have a non agenda pushing Thanksgiving Day parade.

We'll watch 24-7, watch a couple, a couple rounds of a Christmas story, football and then dominoes. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to have somebody up there who's pretending to be a chick. And we're like, we see the lump in your neck. That's your Adam's apple, okay?

We don't need to be, we don't need that. You look like a dude who just has nicely applied makeup. But you're, you still look like a dude. Dudes look like dudes, dude. They do.

It's the sweetest. Do they still play It's a Wonderful Life? Yeah, I hate that movie. What? What?

Wait a minute. No, you hate that movie? Yeah, because it's depressing.

Sometimes I'm like, just quit bitching already in Java. That movie's not depressing. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. It's uplifting. Is it? Yes. Are you thinking of a different movie?

That's the one where the little girl's like, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. Wow. Makes me want to rip all the bells off the tree. I cannot believe, I can't believe it. Look, I only go so far with sentiment, man.

All right, then I'm like, shut up. I just can't. Then it ruins me. I'm ruined, right? It's a classic.

It can be a classic all at once too. It's just overwrought. Oh, man.

And I love- Look at you screaming. Nothing about that movie. I'm not going to lie.

You're screwing your way into Thanksgiving. I'm not screwing- Now, I love the old school, what's the one, Old Man, The Three Ghosts, can't remember. No, I don't remember. Oh, yeah, Miracle on 34th Street. Oh, my gosh. Whoa, hold up.

You just missed the most important part of the day, Steve, after prayers and thank you, Lord. Dog Show. Now, a Frenchie won it last year. There's a French bulldog that won best in show at the Westminster Dog Show last year. I'm all about the dog show because I like to pretend they're all mine. And I'm like, that's my dog. And I named him this. All my dogs, I named Billy.

Like, my goal is to get a Datsun and name it Billy. That's my new thing. I've done this so well-behaved on TV. Yeah, look at my dogs on TV.

Look at all their- all winners, right? I just- that's- I love it. Wait, Steve just adds this in slack. First off, he teased us about being carjacked, and he wasn't. And then he says his aunt was in the dog show once. Was she a handler? Yeah.

Why else would you be- Well, it takes- Well, because you could be an owner. Yeah, my- Shut up. That's not her being in it, though. She breeds them, yeah. Well, she has- she's passed away, but her- she used- she was in the one, I think, 10, 15 years ago.

She did- she has Boricollis, and she- it takes place in Pennsylvania, where my family lives. And so she- she got- she got that far up in the ranks that year. Wow. That's amazing. That- I would have a belt buckle made with that, and be like, I was in the dog show.

I would totally do that. That is so cool. That is so awesome. Dog handlers are like mysteries, man.

They're just like magical people. They get dogs to do things that it takes normal people 5,000 years to train their dog to do. And now, all of the news you would probably miss, it's time for Dana's Quick Five. All right, so first up, they're making a suicide safety net for the Golden Gate Bridge. You know, the bridge I own.

Survivors say it may give them a second chance at life. They're making a net to catch people. Well, wouldn't that just make them go somewhere else?

Right? I mean, yeah, like one person said they were going to jump off the bridge, and their hands left the rail. You know what you're going to have happen? You're going to have people just doing this for fun. Throwing themselves off the bridge into the net for fun. That's- it's going to turn into a recreational thing. I'm telling you, they said that, like they had some people, like they interviewed this guy who jumped, and they said his hands left the rail.

He had an instantaneous regret for his action. I'm going to come back to this because I just- you're going to have people- they don't think. Let's see, Maine and Massachusetts are the last states to keep stupid bans on Sunday hunting. However, that actually might change soon.

There's legislation in the works to get that changed, so there you have it. Three were injured after a light pole was knocked over by strong winds on Disneyland's main street. Waaah, Disneyland, wah, wah. Yeah, I'm just not going to get into it. Uh, let's see. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, there was a woman- this is an old story. No, no, no, I'm not going to do this one. That one's old.

That one's so old. Okay, so, uh, also, what we have- there is a New York Post says a new dating phenomenon proves traditional relationships are over. What? They said that women are sick of the pressure to follow traditional timelines. Who- what women are you talking to?

Like, ugly women that can't get a traditional relationship? Like, what are you talking about? Uh, they said it's a dating report, women are pushing back instead of from blah, blah, blah.

This is not new. Bored women who are bored with themselves in their lives have been doing this since I was a kid. Stop.

They said that 31% of women aren't focused adhering to traditional blah, blah, blah, blah. You boring broads. I'm so bored with them. You know why you're single? Because you're boring. I don't even want to be your friend, you're so boring. Uh, moving on. It is. I'm so tired of hearing this, right? Who is- so self-indulgent. These people are ridiculous. Uh, also, let's see here.

An Israel arrests an NBC journalist for glorifying Hamas. Oh, also, apparently, they were, like, basically participating. Uh, Miravat Al-Ezza, uh, was right there with them when they were doing all their stuff. So before you get to be like, oh, well, it's a free speech. Yeah, but, like, when you're actually aiding and abetting terrorists and you're right there with them. It's kind of a problem, isn't it? It just seems like that's kind of an issue. I'm just gonna point that out.

Can I just share a little factoid here about Argentina's new president? The guy with the piercing blue eyes and crazy hair? He looks like a character from The Mighty Boosh. Which, if you're unfamiliar, is one of my kids' absolute favorite shows ever. It's this old British show. It's from the early aughts.

We discovered it during lockdown. And he looks like a character from The Mighty Boosh. Uh, this, uh, the new president-elect, Javier Milai. So, apparently, and you can tell he's a libertarian because he does this. Libertarians, capital L libertarians, all have some weird currency. They'll seem totally normal when you talk to them.

Everybody has a weird tick. Republicans, conservatives, socialists, you know, communist, everybody. But libertarians are particularly interesting because they'll say things like, yes, um, you know, I also believe, yes, we should, uh, we should go back, return to gold standard, and, uh, we should, you know, abolish everything that's not Article I, Section 8, and we really need to honor states' rights and all this stuff. And they say things that make all the sense in the world. And then they'll say things like, yes, I also use a psychic to communicate with my dead dog and ask it for political advice. And you're like, what? Well, wait, everything that you were saying sounded so neat. Yes, and also the psychic thing with the dog. No, no, no. You see what I mean, though?

Cain, I mean, would you agree, like, they all say things that are totally normal and then all of a sudden they come out of left field with this. I'm not making this up, by the way. This apparently is what Javier, I'm not saying this against him. I don't know how to interpret it. It's intriguing, not intriguing.

It's entertaining. I'm not going to lie. So the guy, the new president elect, apparently he had an English Mastiff dog named Conan. And he has four other dogs that were cloned with Conan's DNA and tissue samples. And he said he always had a dog to love. I mean, he really took it literally in politics.

If you want a friend, get a dog. He did. And he cloned it.

And then he also in his spare time, he uses a medium to communicate with the dead dog, the dead dog that he had that all the clones got came from. I don't dislike the guy, but you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not kidding you. You all know this. Capital L libertarians.

They will always want they will always come out of left field with one thing, right? I guess I believe in all of these things and all of this. Wasn't Marianne Williamson too? Yes.

That was her deal. I sleep inside of a hollowed out crystal. I'm a fairy at night. I mean, I don't I mean, it wasn't like that, but you know, I mean, it's. You know, I guess I agree with you about monetary policy, and I also think that we need to you know, we need this quantitative easy nonsense, by the way, do you know that I'm actually an alien in a meat suit?

My real name is Borg. You see what I'm saying? Like, it's they come out of left field with something. I was just waiting for this one to drop. I'm like with hair like that, dude. It's going to happen.

Just waiting for it. Yeah. So it's his dog Conan. And this was this was in his biography, by the way. So lest you think I'm making this up.

It's from his biography that's written by an Argentinian journalist, Juan Luis Gonzalez. And it says that the new president elect studies telepathy, and he uses a medium to talk to his dead dog, ask his dead dog about political advice. You know, makes with and he's got his other clone dogs. All right.

But hey, did you see the video where he was throwing away all the stuff on the board? If he does even half of that. Okay, all right.

I'll give you the dog medium. Cut half of that. You know what I'm saying? I like to I like to make these unofficial nonverbal deals with elected leaders, right? Like that are only exist in your head. You know what I mean? Like things like, okay, maybe if you build the whole wall, I'll forgive the spray tan. You know, things like that.

That's what I'm talking about. I'm just saying, you know, I bet the Capitol libertarians, every one of my libertarian friends, they all have like one of I have. She's sweet.

I'm not going to say her name, but she's going to know immediately if this ever gets out. You know, we're just us here. Just a few of us. But the Capitol libertarian and she sleeps with crystals like a forest of them on her nightstand. There could be something to that. It's like a forest of them. And it's like they're like different types. And then they have little stands. And then one of them lights up. No, it doesn't light up. She illuminates it. I don't know, man. Just and then different crystals throughout our house.

For certain energies. Like it's a rock. Something to it. Really?

Really with you over there. Kane was over there saying what he showed me a package of probiotics. I took a picture of what that of knowing because what I sent it to you even.

Did you not even look at slack? You don't even look at this stuff. He's like probiotics. And then it's like he's being filmed by an imaginary cameraman in here. And the way that he was taking it out of the box, it's like he was being filmed. So I'm like, what is happening here? He's taking holding the package logo out like he's hand modeling it.

It was hysterical. I'm just saying, you know, I think that's yours. Yours is your bacteria tea and your your pills, your your hippie pills of the probiotics. Are you anti science? I'm not anti science. I just think it's funny. Like there is without fail, without fail.

I'm never wrong. So if you meet a libertarian, there's something's going to come out. It'll be like, you know, I have an invisible fifth leg. I don't know. Like they'll come up with something. You know, I had nine fingers and I or I had eleven fingers and I cut one off. I don't know.

Like they'll come up with something, little something for visible legs. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just I'm just rattling off things top my head. It's really hard to top the dog medium you see. Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana Lash's Absurd Truth podcast. If you haven't already, make sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.