Absurd Truth: Don't Carjack The Secret Service

Dana Lashes of Sir Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec. It's his life mission to make bad decisions.

It's time for Florida Man. So I got to tell you about the pig named Pork Chop. Florida woman was very upset after her severely obese pet pig called Pork Chop. Was seized by animal control over fears for the 400 pound animal's health. Pork Chop is so fat.

It took two officers to carry him on. Oh, please, Juan, can you please zoom in on that on the simulcast? If you're watching the simulcast of the show, that looks like a fake pig. It looks he's going to show you. It don't even look real.

It looks like a balloon with little stubs for legs. The pig had to be carried out of the house by two officers that had to use support straps to support his body and help him walk. Kelly Jacobson, the owner wept as she told reporters, I need him and promised to make him better. Officer said the pig was severely obese, has a skin condition and needs its tusks and nails groomed.

I it sounds like I'm gonna be real. It sounds like Kelly Jacobson was not taking care of Pork Chop, right? How do you let Pork Chop get so bad that he's 400 pounds? He can't hardly walk. It's his health is in danger. His tusks have been trimmed.

His nails had been trimmed. Ain't pigs supposed to be fat though? Not 400 pounds. I can't move fat.

I mean, oh my gosh. He was carried out because they buy two police officers during the eviction. He was so happy, 400 pounds. And then Kelly Jacobson was saying I need him. I'll do whatever I have to to make him better. That's the direct quote.

Can I be real though? It sounds like you know, you had your chance girl and you did not make him better. Like you you you let him it is come.

I mean, I feel so bad for it. Did you get the side view of him going into the little it's from WPTV going into the little his I guess he was the one says he looks like a Pokemon. He does. He's so big.

Like he was trying to go into the back. And all he's got he's got little stub legs. I don't even know. Dude, I've never seen such a fat pig in my life. That is one of the fattest pigs I've ever seen. And so they said pork chop is Jacobson was saying pork chop is a service animal. But officers from Palm Beach County, Animal Care and Control were like, Mm hmm. Yeah, I don't know. Like, it's a service animal.

How does it serve you? It can't even move, girl. It can't move. I mean, she said she tried to put him on a diet and she struggled to find somebody who could groom him. She says, quote, I have found a lot of people a long time to keep and they're taking him away from me. I mean, I get it that you can't. You're sad.

She also didn't pay rent for three months. I get it that you're sad. But like, you know, you got all these this money for hand tats, but you don't got no money to get his nails groomed.

Girl, what is you doing? Come on. So now they're trying to seek custody of pork chop. And then they're gonna they would like to take him to an animal sanctuary to get him healthy to lose weight. And it's the laughing pig sanctuary that may take him he'd have to go on a lean diet of fruits and vegetables. And he can't walk.

He didn't really have any activity level to exercise. So they said that they is she one of the ladies said that she was mortified at the way the animal services handle the poor pig if they don't have the tools to effectively remove them. It's not their fault. But yeah, that's horrific. That is if you're not taking care of your animals, though, it's not enough just to have them you have to take care of them.

And if you're not taking care of them, that itself is abusive and cruel. So man, I mean pork chop, girl, you gotta let that pig go. You think you're gonna if you need I just think that some people need a therapist and not a support animal. Okay. I think you know, that's mean to do that to the animal that I just I'm sorry, but it's I'm not sorry. Actually, stop it. Stop it. Stop doing it. I cannot believe that that's I'm full of jokes. I mean, I love that pig. But oh my gosh, like I just keep thinking no, no ham and all kinds of stuff.

All right. A Florida man was arrested in Chicago with $1.2 million worth of meth. He's in a methy situation.

I don't know where that came from. Yeah, he had that's a lot 1.2 so clearly intent to distribute. 32 year old Randy Hector was arrested. They said that they detected the narcotic odor.

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This was midnight on Sunday. That's Biden's eldest granddaughter. Is she one of the ones that live in the White House or no? I know she lives in DC and she apparently works at a law firm.

They've had 750 carjackings this year. So Secret Service agents open fire after three people tried to break in. to an unmarked Secret Service vehicle. So as a Secret Service car, they were designed they were signed to protect Naomi Biden, who's almost well, she's 30. She's a hunch daughter. They like Hunter Biden's a baby. He's got a 30 year old daughter shut up.

She was out in the Georgetown neighborhood late Sunday night. Can I ask a question? I realize that mentally I'm like 90. Is it?

You're 30 years old, and you're out at midnight on a Sunday, partying it out up. Is that weird? Yeah. I don't think it's weird for 30. Really? Yeah, I think 30 kids by then. Yeah, I mean, you and me both.

But mortgage, you know, like, what? We're talking about in today's context, right? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm thinking 30 is not that crazy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, why? That's weird. Isn't it weird? I don't.

It's just what I observe. I don't know Steve's close. Everyone turns to look at Steve, Steve. Steve's gonna be 29 this week.

So Steve's like a year younger than Naomi Biden. Yeah, but like, I Okay, so you got one year left, dude, then you can't be partying at midnight on a Sunday unless it's like a special festival or something. And you know, Christmas or New Year's, you know, like a Super Bowl. Anyway, long story short, is that weird?

I mean, is it weird? Well, I think people nowadays, especially like Northeast cities, like don't really tend to like, get engaged quick, as quick as people in like rural areas do. Like, there are many people in their 30s that act like they're in their 20s now, especially here. I don't know what that says. But so this is basically my 90 year old mentality coming into effect.

Not too much. But I think people just get married later in life, especially in like, very liberal cities. And that's the way it is. I don't know what she was doing. Interesting.

Interesting. Yeah, I mean, she was apparently just it was her night out. That's all they said she was having a night out. And it was like midnight, but she got married. She got married last year, though. She got married last year.

Okay. So this day, again, Dana's 90 years old. That was that wedding. That was that wedding they had at the White House and everybody flipped out about it. That's right.

That's right. So she you're married. Now you're a married woman. I mean, just saying. This is like the Ozark 90 year old mentality coming out. I'm like, girl, you're married.

You're a 30 year old married woman. What are you doing out partying at midnight on a Sunday night? See, now that makes it that makes sense. Yeah, that may see now that yet now was he there with her? Maybe they had an event.

Okay, well, I hear but apparently from everything I read, he wouldn't there. So I don't know. So she I didn't even realize that the grandkids get Secret Service protection.

Is that just because they're considered valuable assets to the President and he can't they don't want to have the President of the United States compromise in any way. That's probably it. Because it's kind of weird. Like, what are you talking about? Like we're paying for her protection. I can you guys like not be drunks for five damn seconds? Can this family like keep their pants on? Stay sober for like a second? It would be great.

It'd be great. Now I'm not saying that it's their fault that somebody actually I am. It is your fault. It is your fault. It's your party's fault. It's your ideology's fault.

It's the ideology and the party that makes this family this white trash family rich in the White House. And so you have 600 and something. I cannot believe that there's that many carjackings in DC. That's insane to me. That many.

I mean, it's like we're getting up over halfway over halfway well over halfway to 1000 carjackings. It is that who's run that town? Who's run DC came? That's right, Democrats.

That's crazy to me. So they said, Yeah, DC. Say this on here.

This is funny. I'm going to steal it from you. DC's living its Grand Theft Auto dreams.

Grand Theft Auto dreams GTAD Grand Theft Auto dreams. There you go. But they opened fire.

They said there's still the investigation still ongoing, but three. Can you break it into a Secret Service vehicle? I would just think too, because this is a secret service vehicle. This is DC. You just got to think that any kind of dark colored unmarked car is going to be no, no do it. Right?

Maybe I just look out for that kind of stuff. But these people apparently were morons because don't they have like a special plate? I think Secret Service got the has a special plate.

Steve goes not the 15 year olds with no parents out. That's true. They're done. They don't even have anybody to tell them how to carjack like properly not a government vehicle.

I'm not saying like you should but you know what I mean? Good heavens. The crime is out of control out of control.

And now all of the news you would probably miss it's time for Dana's quick five. This is terrifying. So this apparently took place in Rome where a lion got loose. People were even told to shelter in place because I mean it's a lion. It caused terror, prowled the streets freely, it escaped from the circus. And it was it was a town near Rome, caused terror amongst all the residents. They had footage all over social media showing this lion wandering around the streets of the small town.

It has just a population of just over 40,000. And everyone said that they were they were told to shelter inside as authorities do a lion. Yeah, I'd be like free free lion. Let me get a lion free lion.

Finders Keepers. Ma'am, we think you have that. No, no, this is my lion. It's not the lion you're looking for. It's just mine. I don't know what I'd do with it just to have one. I feel like I'm Snow White. Like I want all the animals.

They're all mine. This is a terrifying article. This came out.

This story here. It showed that more than 100 veterans died. More than 100 veterans died in a New York home after one of the worst COVID outbreaks in the state. And they said that apparently weren't was anybody know where Anthony Cuomo is? Anybody know where Cuomo is?

Everybody's looking for him. It was a housing facility in New York City. They had an outbreak, apparently.

And it was the New York State Veterans Home in St. Albans. And they said that all of these are already super critically ill veterans. So they were already way super immunocompromised. They were all incredibly elderly, elderly. But apparently, they weren't even given any treatment.

No one even took them to the hospital, nothing. They just let them Oh, boy. Wow.

There's I just gonna say a word that rhymes with shmall suit. Let's see here. Humans apparently have a third set of teeth. Popular Mechanics says that there might be medicine to help them grow. Why? Why? Why would you want them to grow?

What? That's terrifying. It was a 2021 study out of Japan, they said you can target genes to regrow teeth and animals. Now they're trying to they're doing clinical trials on how to do this. And humans they said that, you know, it's what makes sharks so intriguing because they can just grow teeth, regrow teeth. So they're doing a clinical trial of medicine, which they hope will be available for general use in 2030 to regrow teeth.

That would only work for people like Hunter Biden. Maybe. I don't know. The stores are snubbing Black Friday's mega sales. Apples, Apple Tiffany's others are deciding to not participate. They're they're they're snubbing the Black Friday stuff.

And FedEx accidentally delivered $20,000 in lottery tickets to a woman's house. I have more meat potatoes to get into. But this kind of gets into my whole way of operating my Minecraft world. So I'm going to tell you let you guys in on something. I'm going to get back to the other stuff because I know you you guys are so excited to talk about all the 2024 news.

Even though the votes for Iowa are still, you know, couple months off. But anyway, so you may not know this. I've always played a video game of some sort. So we're not talking about video games. This is about societal constructs.

So hold, just hold on, I'm gonna bring the tugboat in. So I've always played stuff, right? I've always played games. Like I taught my kids how to play video games. And as you would want to see as a parent, they've bested you. That's the whole goal of parenthood, right?

You raise up the next the next generation and hope that they're greater than you. In that regard, they are. Not with cooking, though, unfortunately. But with games, yes, they definitely are. I remember when they used to have to bring me their their Nintendo's their little what is it? The I can't remember what they're called anymore. What were those called?

Yeah, thank you. The Game Boy. Mom, can you get me past this level? I'd have to go in there when they had their first sex.

But Mom, can you get me past this level? Now I think, you know, it's not like that at all. So anyway, when we were when I when they were a little younger, and we homeschooled, one of the greatest ways by the way, it's a homeschool tool was Minecraft, right? There was no wokery in it, you could make it private, you could join like we had a coat, we could do all kinds of stuff, you could like literally learn stuff from it. learned a lot about geology. And I also spent 10 years building the largest, probably the largest hand built world in the entire game in the world, I would imagine like, I haven't touched it in like a year and a half. But like I you recreate Monticello read all this other stuff.

And then I switched I used to do that and crochet that really, it really went crazy during lockdown. And then I don't don't know if it's my oldest son or my youngest son that noticed how my societies functioned. See, because I have a rule in the Minecraft universe. You've got you've got to you've got to contribute.

And now let's let's just put this out there. Every one of these NPCs, so you have Minecraft, and then they populate NPCs, you know, non playable character, you got they just they're they're they're what automated, they just walk around, they have some things sounds that they make, they all go and that's it. They're programmed to do certain things, you can throw down different boxes and assign them tasks or like their jobs. So if you build a beehive out of some of these stupid blocks, you can have a beekeeper. If you put a bucket by some water, you got to get a fisherman, if you and they're all they're genderless.

They're all ugly. And the Minecraft doesn't care about that, because it's all about the zombies and all that. Anyway, yeah, that's that's in there. So you can you can you just see what I'm saying? Like you can have people literally be like a fletch like the guy who makes the arrows, right? What do they call them? Fletcher guy who makes the arrows?

Somebody will tell me and I don't care. And you've I've got you've got what is it like a potions master, essentially, the guy with the beakers, you can put that block, you can do all kinds of stuff. Iron workers, everything. Anyway, farmers, I would get real aggravated when I would put down and I would create, you know, a village as like a buffer, you know, for my village against the zombies. And, you know, I'm putting these blocks out and I'm like creating these characters, you know, and there are some of them that actively chose to be pieces of crap.

Like they, they literally would not. Every one of them had a box like a task box. And some of them literally chose to not work.

They chose to be communists, they chose to leach off of a very productive society. And that was problematic for me, right? Because those were the ones at night when night came, that's when all the monsters come out. Those are the ones that get infected, right?

Those are the ones that get murked or get turned or something like that. So I'm like, well, you know, for the safety of the, you know, this is not the United States. We don't have, you know, a Magna Carta inspired constitution. So we're gonna do the Danaverse.

You got to go, dude, murk. And so that so that, you know, this society could function. My kids think that that's horrible. Well, if they're not contributing anything, they're not doing the bee stuff. They're not, you know, farming. They're not out there fishing, King.

They're not out there hammering whatever it is a hammer on their little iron blocks, then you know, like, what's the point? Why? What's the point? Now I realized that that's, you know, it's a world where I basically am the master. This is terrifying. This is why people better thank the stars that there's a God because can you imagine that would be my world. That's your world without the Lord. So we have like a whole bunch of people. We have a lot of NPCs in this world.

Actually, you know what, Kane? Minecraft is a is a great argument against atheism. This is what you have. It's kind of Pascal's Wager, sort of which is still kind of logically flawed. But yet, it motivates and it works.

It's a bit like a modern day Pascal's Wager. So this I just think as Kane noted, we got a lot of a lot of NPCs in this world. I don't think that that's a cruel way to operate in that reality, Kane. I don't think so. I don't think it's a see you agree with me.

My kids thought I was horrible. I'm like, they're digital NPCs. They don't matter.

Right? This isn't like the United States where we're like, Oh, we're gonna pat you on the head. And again, there's nothing wrong with there's there's no issue that the NPCs have to get over or overcome.

They are not disadvantaged in any way. It's don't want to work. They're like the modern college kid protesting for Hamas on college campuses. They just don't want to they don't want to do it. They don't want to take the time to run. They don't want to read anything. They don't want to work.

They don't want to. That's the Minecraft NPC. So my that's why you in that reality, it's not cruel at all.

Kane, I think it's actually nice. It's nice to the other villagers, right? The ones that are productive. I'm going to cut this and I'm going to send it to my kids makes their productivity valuable. Therefore, that spreads as opposed to the opposite message.

Yeah, exactly. So see, this is how so just you know, I feel a lot not now that we've had this conversation, I feel a lot more justified when they when they they try to give me they try to give me nonsense for it. So I'm just saying that's just Thanks for tuning in to today's edition of Dana lashes absurd truth podcast. If you haven't already made sure to hit that subscribe button on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.