Absurd Truth: Razor? Hardly Know Him/Her

Dana Lashes of Surd Truth Podcast sponsored by Kel-Tec.

It's his life mission to make bad decisions. It's time for Florida Man. This is the worst bank robbery of all time. So first up, this is ABC4 Action News. A woman attempted to rob a bank before taking money out of her own account.

Welles Fargo, right in Spring Hill, Florida. And they said that she made the investigation super easy. The woman, Vanessa Ortega, 31 years old, came out of the bank holding a bright blue object in her left hand. It looked like a firearm. Bright blue. Yeah, because that's what guns look like bright blue guns. And they said that she raised the object in the air and yelled, this is a robbery.

Give me all your money. This sounds like somebody's watched too many movies. Detectives arrived. They said that they should they could identify they knew who she was because she's a regular customer at this branch. And then she also paused to make sure she took money out of her own account. She told deputies she was just joking about the robbery. So she was good. It was a Nerf gun. And she then took money out of her own account and they they got her. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What? I don't know. They don't say she's faces two counts attempted robbery with a weapon and then she has a $20,000 bond.

Oh my goodness. A drunkety drunk Florida man crashed into a fire hydrant. And that was the only thing he did then he attacked the deputy. A Flager County man was driving down drunk Fling police ran into a fire hydrant. And then when deputies tried to take him into custody, he was in a fire hydrant. After he exited the vehicle, he tried to attack the deputy and he immediately was taken to the pokey because you just don't you can't that's not that you can't do that.

You can't attack deputies just you you're driving drunk, you hit a hydrant just get out and be peaceful. A Florida woman was shop she was just you know, out shoplifting when her car caught fire and to her two kids were left unattended inside. She was in a Dillard's to steal 24 year old Central Florida woman is in jail for two or two children were left alone inside her vehicle when it caught fire. Orlando's Fox 35 reported that Alicia Moore left two of her children inside.

It was May 26. And car was engulfed in flames. She was leaving the store with her stolen item. She dropped everything and ran out. And her one child was treated for first degree burns to face and ears.

So she's holding a $48,000 bond on all kinds of charges. That's just they still have Dillard's. That's what you got out of this. That's what I got out of the story. They have there's Dillard's are open.

Yes, there's a deal. I haven't really when's the last time you see the Dillard's open? I mean, I don't go to malls. I hate Yeah, I'm just saying I haven't seen I haven't seen anything about this woman was in it when her kids were burning in her car. Yeah, but I didn't know Dillard's was still for the love.

Dillard's is still the canes like wait, what Dillard's Dillard's is there. No one's is there. All right, this guy also is the worst. This is the worst disguise of all time. So another robbery, right? This is NBC six. So on Saturday, it was at a phone repair store in Miami Gardens, a man walks inside on he's caught on camera stealing merchandise while wearing a cardboard box on his head. The owner of iRepairTech shared video with NBC six, the man was that well, the man was had just it was just like a big white cardboard box on his head. And he was shattering glass displays reaching inside to grab the phones. And the store owner said that he saw the man's face on surveillance video, he started investigating around the shopping plaza. And apparently they found out that the culprit was at the same Plaza drinking with his friends at a nearby liquor store. So that's how he leaves takes the box box off his head and go sits and has drinks with his friends. Like literally in the same Miami Gardens area. Why the guys identified as Claude Vincent Griffin, he's 33 years old.

He was charged with grand theft, burglary, criminal mischief, also cocaine possession and resisting an officer without violence. So why would you go to that's just like of all the places that you if you're going to, I'm not saying commit theft. But you're wearing a box over your head, and you're just did he want to go to jail? I mean, if you're really going to try to like steal your something and then get away, why would you target like a phone repair shop? Wouldn't you set your goals higher?

I mean, I'm not encouraging this, but I'm just trying to figure out why do you risk the biscuit for that doesn't make any sense to me. Celtic invented the concealed carry category years ago with the P 11. But did they stop there?

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So we implemented that and give everybody four months regardless of whether you're the birthing parent or the non birthing parent. And then last, we also as a company have always tried to sort of be socially minded and not just be about bottom line profit. So if you're wondering who that lady was talking, that was the CEO of Harry's razors. Yeah, the CEO of Harry's razors. And remember Harry's didn't they get something they got something in trouble because didn't they had they had said that then they partner with a gender cosplay or something like that, like a trans influencer.

I hate the word influencer. And I don't understand the people who are like, Oh, here's our razor for alphabet people like you. Oh, if you have sex this way, you can use this razor like does it make your hair grow different? Like I'm just curious. So they hired a woman that had a medically unnecessary double mastectomy to promote their men's razors. So does she grow facial hair?

I mean, she got some peach fuzz. I don't know. Anyway, that's what they they created a razor, a trans razor. It's a banana that identifies as a razor. Just drag it on your face. How you do it? Do you know that came? You just take a banana. You just drag it on your face.

It's the trans razor. Yeah. And then when it rots, you can just order another one doesn't sound effective. But all right. I mean, this is the whole gist of it, though, right?

So works. I am walking a fine line here, guys. I am full of just smart aleckness right now. Why do you have to have special products? For how you choose to do private things?

I got questions like how does this work? So I'm I'm more can I be really honest with the picture that you just sent me Kane and the link that you just sent me because I'm more concerned about the person's teeth than I am about how they shave. It looks like a ragged hot mess up there. I feel like I'm looking at some of the things that I'm seeing.

Some of the granite peaks coming out of the moors somewhere in western England. That's what it looks like. I'm like, let's just somebody needs to hit a dentist.

Little Invisalign. You know what they don't care what kind of you know, bitch you got. So they did it. They said for the they they partnered with the trans a female who identifies as a man, a special razor. The razor explodes, I guess if you're a chick and you try to use it or dude and tries to use I don't know. But you have someone who who practices self mutilation using a razor in a way that a man would. Now, I don't care if chicks want to use men's razors.

Let me just be the first to tell you. Women's razors suck. They're horrible.

They are the worst things ever. They're created for people who are terrified of using an actual blade. I can't stand women's I use a straight edge. I use when I say I've shaved my legs and when I want like a straight up razor. I want to raise I want to do it properly. I got a safety razor.

I got to say yes. And I don't want I don't want to mess around with no like, oh, here's your pink razor with the sticky thing on the end. That's annoying and it gets weird and it falls off.

Nobody wants to use that stuff. I mean, just you know, a little bit education and can and little care goes a long way. I and before that before I started using a safety razor and everything else. I would just use my I'd get one of my husband's razors. My favorite thing in the world was to get one of his facial razors because ladies y'all know those were the best and they would always be like, Golly, why is this razor horrible after they would go shave because you just used it to shave your legs. That's like one of that was like one of the biggest, you know, disagreements early on in our marriage. Because I can't remember what it was. But I was like, this is amazing. It was like the Holy Grail of razors. And it was so it didn't have the stupid thing on the end. You know, the stupid sticky thing.

He didn't have that. I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. And I love the blade. I was like, Oh, this is great. And he was like, you got to stop doing this because it's rude. I can't use it to shave my face after this. And I'm like, Oh, that's that's shenanigans.

No, nobody believes you. And then he got me my own just like we had matching his and his razors. So because it's just a better razor. Dude's razors are better. So I have no problem with chicks using dude's razors.

I have a problem with a razor company. That celebrates the harmful body shaming mutilation of a woman who wants to cosplay as a dude. And then you try to sell that. Like your your main you're trying to make money off of mental illness. It would be like using an anorexic person to sell diet pills.

Stop it. It's the same damn thing. You can get mad at me all you want to for saying it, but it's the same thing.

It would be like a company or like a fitness company using a someone who's dealing with an eating disorder, or you know, something like whatever. I mean, it you've got it's just it's classless, it's inappropriate, and you're promoting something that is actually harmful. And so that's the issue. So you got this guy comes out. They they come out with this razor and then you got this guy, the CEO, birthing persons.

I got some thoughts on that. And he's sitting on a stage with a bunch of dudes. It's a sausage party that's on stage and they're talking about birthing persons. There is nothing that is more potent as natural birth control than men who debase themselves on stage like this, or in any fashion like this. A man who gets up and is like, I'm a feminist, immediately. It is natural birth control. A man who gets up there and says things like birthing persons, that is natural birth control.

Birthing persons. I heard every woman across the country who's listening to the program or watching the simulcast, I heard that sharp little intake of breath that you just did. When when he said that, and when I repeated it, I heard it. That's like one of the most dangerous sounds in the world. Men know, right? Golly, I mean, it just like touching the thermostat's a dangerous place to be. And then that little intake of breath. Oh, man. Gives a man chills. But this it's it's it's it's it's a dangerous place to be. And and then that little intake of breath.

Oh, man. Gives a man chills. But this it's it's it's women like what is so wrong with saying that? What is so wrong with saying that? Why do companies got to debase themselves like this? So the CEO again, on the and he's, he needs to eat a sandwich, this guy. He needs to eat a sandwich, this guy. Here's the thing when people sit here and they talk about wokery and all this other stuff. And some people, there's some Republicans out there.

Who do you got? Ed Rollins? Isn't he one of the guys out there who was on the Republican side? And now he's like, you guys got to stop talking about woke. No one wanted to know what Ed Rollins thought about everything, anything since before I was born. Nobody cares. I didn't even know he was still on the earth.

In fact, I forgot that he ever existed, much less was still on the earth. Nobody knows what this old fart. Nobody knows what these dudes think.

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And now all of the news you would probably miss. It's time for Dana's quick five. I have three words for you. Hawk and snake. A Texas woman is viciously attacked by a snake and a hawk at the same time as she motor backyard. Peggy Jones was first attacked by a snake only to then be swooped on by a hungry hawk as it tried to grab its prey. She was left with deep lacerations and bruises on her arm after this entirely bizarro chance encounter. She says she feels lucky to have survived this and she had to have her arm all bandaged up.

It was wild. She said that she was yelling and screaming and her husband didn't know what was going on. She said I thought that she she said I thought I was bitten by the snake but apparently was just the hawk that got her. She said the snake was squeezing her was squeezing her arm. She was on a tractor mower and the snake fell literally fell out of the sky, landed on her at her home in Sillsby. It tightened on her arm then the hawk swooped down and then started clawing at her because that it thought she had its food. And she like they broke they broke her glasses. She had snake venom on her glasses. She said the hawk hit her face. She said she actually doesn't know that she she didn't think she got bitten by the snake at all. But yeah, the hawk ended up like taking it out.

She had to go to the hospital. That is crazy. That is and that's not her first snake attack.

Apparently they fall off out of trees and stuff. It's crazy though. Oh my gosh.

So Cardi B, you know, when she that video where she threw the mic, she threw the microphone at somebody who threw water at her. Okay, that's sold on eBay, the mic for almost $100,000. It's sold on eBay for almost $100,000. That is crazy.

Golly, this this is an insane story. The US has arrested 79 people linked to a global pedophile ring. It was busted after the high profile murders of two FBI agents in Florida in 2021.

Well, now they've run them down. Aussie cops detained 19 others and they rescued 13 children. I hope they rope all of these people up and kill them in the most torturous way possible. Oh my publicly kill these sickos tortuously and publicly. Oh my gosh, just I'm so glad that 13 children were arrested. But, you know, that's 13. Out of many more that still are not this.

Let's see. Oh, Tonga's volcano. Apparently, so they're undersea volcano eruption that was last year in January was larger than any nuclear blast ever conducted by the US apparently and the shockwave was felt worldwide according to a new study, which was released this week. It injected large amounts of water vapor into the stratosphere and it caused it could cause global temperatures to warm temporarily.

A volcano. Stick with us. As students begin heading back to school, do you think they'll be learning about the founding principles that made America the freest and most prosperous nation in history? Will they learn that our unalienable rights are God given and not granted by government?

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That's Dana4Hillsdale.com. The lazy girl job is in right now. Here's why. Rather than lean in, which is a stupid phrase, young workers say they want jobs that can be done from home, come with a cool boss and end at 5pm sharp.

Wow, I want a million dollars and a puppy, too. So so they talk about this chick. She works as a freelance digital marketer. She calls it a lazy girl job.

Now people have been like, using that as like the standard measure of what they want to do. She said she used to work 10 hour days as an environmental tech. Now she logs three hours a day promoting makeup and skincare products online. Look, y'all cannot be doing this. Every damn broad out there cannot be influencing with makeup and skincare products because then all y'all are going to be doing are influencing each other with makeup and skincare products.

Stop it. So they they talk about hashtag lazy girl job. It can be done from home. They want to earn between 60 and 80,000 a year, and basically not work hard. This is lazy.

This is laziness. And so many of these people I think talk about influencers. They said six in 10 workers say they're putting in less than maximum effort. According to a Gallup Global Workplace survey, they looked at 120,000 working adults.

Kane is dying over here. They said that men have posted to more enormous anonymous platforms on Facebook. Like the anti work community on Reddit. They said that they said hustle culture is toxic at times. They're trying to brainwash subsequent generations into being lazy, i.e. being easy to control.

That's what this is about. This isn't about lazy. This is about they want to convince you to be lazy. They want to convince you that any kind of extra work is just put up on you. They want you to be easily easy to control. They want you to be dependent upon the federal government. This is about being dependent on the state. This is about making you governable.

And by governable, I mean controllable. Some have said younger women are using it almost in a way that they don't understand the damage that they could do. Why would you also brand yourself a lazy girl? And hustle culture isn't toxic. It's called ambition.

Ambition is getting a bad rap from lazy people who want to convince you that it's better to be dependent upon the government. Like I love that there's a meme out there and it shows two lions. One lion is in a cage. And the other lion is chilling with his lioness out on the Serengeti. And it said one of these lions has everything provided for them. They have their food provided for them, their water provided for them, their health care provided for them.

They want for nothing in life. And the other is free. That's the difference. I mean, it is.

It's weird. And so all these people, I think that the one of the downsides of lockdown, and ultimately, I think that was also if I really wanted to be a galley. If I really wanted to be a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist, I'm not saying that I'm being this and I'm not saying that I'm not.

You know, getting everybody to stay in lockdown was like a way to, you know, get everyone to for a couple of years flirt with this idea of living like that permanently, staying at home permanently, living at home, working at home permanently. Now, I work at home. And that's just the nature of my job. But that's not, you know, at all the reality of jobs today. And you have to fight for work life balance. But these people they just they they I really think that that's what's what the downside of a downside of lockdown is that people decide Oh, no, we want to do this all the time.

We want to do it all the time. So now they do this lazy girl stuff. This I think this is bad.

They get into they always say that the biggest I guess lazy girl jobs are influencers. And I this is all against stupid social media, and tik tok. Everybody, I want to sit here and influence you about makeup. Have you seen some of this? It's stupid. Or I see people who talk about makeup stuff that you know, some people have known since we were like 12.

Stop. Not everybody can be an influencer. Not everyone is good at being an influencer.

Everyone thinks that because they have the opportunity that they can go and do it, but it actually requires some skill. And I don't know. I can't stand it. Do you? I don't even hang out on Instagram anymore. I I have to force myself to post on Instagram. Are you on Instagram a lot, Kane?

No, not often at all. I don't know why I used to like it. And now I hate it. Because I go and it's like everybody I know is trying to push something. That's why I really because we've had people who have who've tried to pay me to post on Instagram.

And they've tried to like, Oh, like, put this up on Instagram, put this up, we should do this. And I'm just like, I think I would rather cut all my arms and legs off, then do that. That sounds like hell. I hate it to death. And it sounds like more work for me. And I don't feel like it. For me, and I don't feel like doing that.

I don't want to sit here and post about a product. I cannot stand it. I hate it so bad.

It feels so fake. Like people using stuff, and they're pushing it on you. Or everyone has home goods that they push on you. And it's all everybody gets the same junk that's made in China. I saw some chick that was pushing some like home good stuff. And then I think I saw it like on Amazon or something made in China.

And it was like a third of the price what they were pushing it for. It's so stupid. It's so. Dumb. I can't stand it.

And if people want to make their money like that, that's fine. I am going to judge because I can. It's just I can't stand it.

I just can't go I can't hardly go on. Everything is so curated. And it's so fake. It's just more opportunity to be fake.

And that's what all of this is. They want you to be vapid. They want you to be dependent. They want you to be controllable. And they want you to need them. Government. Button on Apple podcast, Spotify or wherever you get your podcast.