I’m Married to a Porn Addict. What Do I Do?

If you're married to someone who's addicted to pornography, what should you do? That's just one of the questions we'll be answering on today's edition of CORE Christianity. You can also post your question on one of our social media sites. And of course, you can watch Adriel live right now on YouTube, on our YouTube channel, and message him that way. And you're always welcome to send us an email with your question at questionsatcorechristianity.com. First up today, here's a voicemail from one of our listeners named Michelle. My children go to the Catholic Church and I see them making the sign of the cross with their hands.

So I would like to know what should I tell them about this? Hey Michelle, thank you for that question. So the sign of the cross. There are many Christian traditions where believers will mark themselves with the sign of the cross, maybe when they walk into a church or on other occasions as well. There's nothing in scripture that tells us to do this, but it's a pretty ancient tradition dating back to the early church. I would say, again, I'm all about we want to worship God according to what he's prescribed in his word.

And if we don't find something in scripture, I don't think that we should tell people, hey, this is what you need to be doing. But I will say this about just the cross. I mean, it's central to the Christian faith. And there's an excellent book called The Cross of Christ written by John Stodden. He has a whole section where he just talks about just how wild it was that the Christians adopted as a symbol, as a sign of their religion, if you will, this instrument of pain and shame and capital punishment. I mean, it's just the strangest thing when you really think about it. Right now, people will wear crosses around their neck and it's just sort of this piece of jewelry or it's something that people make the sign of the cross. But to mark yourself with the cross in the ancient world would have been wild. I mean, that just would've been strange.

Why would you do that? I mean, there's nothing more hideous than the cross. And yet somehow, and we know how, it was because God the Son hung on the cross.

He transformed this instrument of death and shame into the source of eternal salvation for all who would trust in him. And so I think we need to talk more about the cross. You know, the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians chapter 1 verse 18, the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved, it is the power of God. It's the message of the cross that is central to apostolic preaching. And so in our churches, we need to hear about the cross. And let me just say that you can have a church where people make the sign of the cross, but where the cross of Christ is not being proclaimed. What we need to do and focus on is not so much making the sign of the cross, but preaching the cross. That's where it's at.

That's where the power is. This is what you see throughout the New Testament. And so while I don't think that it's that big of a deal, I think what we need to focus on is the proclamation of the cross and the significance of the cross, understanding that, and that's how we can benefit from it. And so thank you for giving us a call. May the Lord bless you. This is Core Christianity with Pastor Adriel Sanchez. You can hop on the phone right now if you have a question for Adriel, maybe about doctrine or theology or a Bible passage you don't completely understand.

Our phone lines will be open for the next 20 minutes. And here's the number. It's 833-THE-CORE.

That's 1-833-843-2673. Let's go to Dana, who's in Poirier, Kansas. Dana, what's your question for Adriel? Good morning. Can you hear me? Yeah.

Okay, hi. This is plaguing me. I have heard so many times that if Satan is attacking you, you're on the right path. But for years now, my life used to be chaotic, but for years now, I'm fully at peace.

So I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or not. Yeah, should you just feel plagued and that's how you know that the Lord is really blessing you and that you're on the right path? Well, one, I'll just say this, sister, that one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit is peace, love, joy, peace, patience.

And so I think, insofar as we have that in our lives, it's not a sign that we're not on the right track. It should be actually an indication that we're growing in the Lord, that we're experiencing His grace in our lives, exhibiting the fruit of the Holy Spirit. That this peace comes from Jesus, my peace I leave with you, right? This is what He told His disciples. We have that peace that He gives to us that passes all understanding, as Paul said in the New Testament.

And so I don't think that that should be something that concerns you. Now, of course, we know, according to the New Testament, that all those who desire to live godly lives in Jesus Christ do suffer persecution, that there are instances and times where people turn away from us or because of the stances we take, especially related to the Gospel. Not everybody is going to appreciate that, but I don't think that that means that you have to expect this just sort of continual, man, my life should be miserable and that's how I know that I'm really being faithful to Jesus. No, man, as we are filled with the Spirit, we have love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control, joy.

I mean, those things are blessings that the Lord gives to us. And so I would say give thanks to the Lord for that and continually seek Him through His word, through fellowship in the church, and I think you're on the right track. So thank you for giving us a call and hopefully that encourages you, sister.

Thanks, Dana. We do get a lot of calls, people asking us about Satan and demonic influence in their lives, and I want to tell you we have a wonderful booklet that answers a lot of those questions. It's called Can the Devil Read My Mind? You can find that by going to corechristianity.com. We also have a new booklet we want to tell you about.

This is actually a wonderful free resource. It's called Nine Ways to Know You're Really a Christian, and we do receive so many calls, Adriel, from people who are wondering, gosh, have I done something that couldn't cause me to lose my salvation? Have I committed the unpardonable sin? And this really answers a lot of those questions. Yeah, if you struggle with assurance of salvation and you're one of the many believers who you need to sort of go back and forth, there are some days where you feel like, okay, I know I'm a Christian, I know that Jesus has forgiven my sins, but then, you know, a day later, two days later, you really wonder, you question, would a Christian think the things that I've thought or do the things that I've done? We want to encourage you and we want to help you, and so get ahold of this resource. It's a free resource called Nine Ways to Know You Are Really a Christian. I know that it'll bless you, it'll benefit you. You can get it over at corechristianity.com forward slash offers.

Download it for free, and I pray that it encourages you. We'd love to have you get your hands on that this week, and even if you are not a person who struggles with assurance of salvation, chances are you know somebody in your life, maybe somebody in your church or your small group that often asks that question. I don't feel like I'm a Christian today. This would be a great booklet for them. Again, it's called Nine Ways to Know You Are Really a Christian.

It's free, a free download when you go to corechristianity.com forward slash offers. Well, we do receive Facebook questions here at our Facebook page for Core Christianity, and here's one from one of our listeners named Lisa, and it's a tough one, Adriel. She says, my husband of almost 18 years has had an unfaithful heart almost continually.

He has been into porn as well, and recently instead of looking at women on Facebook. To what extent do we as godly wives have to continue being beat down in our minds, heart, and soul because of this kind of sin? I have three girls. I'm so sad, and I don't know what to do. Well, let's first pray for our sister Lisa. Father, we lift Lisa up to you and ask that you would pour your Holy Spirit out upon her. Lord, we ask that you would give her wisdom, grace. Just guide her in this situation so that in all that she does, she would honor you and bring healing, Lord, where she has been hurt and sinned against Jesus. Would you bring comfort and healing, and would you grant repentance to her husband, Lord?

Would you open the doors for him to get the help that he needs? And we just ask, Lord God, for your mercy to be poured out upon this family in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Well, I'm just so sorry to hear about this situation.

I know that you're not alone, that there are many who are in similar situations, probably who are listening to the broadcast right now. And that especially as the one sinned against here, there can be those feelings of shame, of embarrassment, feelings of inadequacy. Let me just say to you that your husband's sin is not your fault. That is not a burden that you're supposed to carry.

You didn't cause it. I know a lot of times spouses, wives can feel like, well, if I was more attractive, if I just did things differently, my husband wouldn't struggle with lust. But the reality is if somebody has an addiction or this struggle with a habitual sin, it doesn't matter who they're married to.

And so you didn't cause this. You can't control your husband. Pray for your husband. I think a lot of times when we've been sinned against in situations like this, there can be this overwhelming sense of, I need to fix this. I need to control maybe an obsession with his phone or his computer. But there needs to be a sense of, okay, God, this is in your hands. You are the one who's in control. I can't control this and you can't cure your husband. Repentance from sin, even the recognition of how serious our sin is, the mortification of sin, that is the work of the Holy Spirit. Now, God can use you and others in your husband's life as a means to grow in grace, to bring about repentance. But it's not on your shoulders to save your husband. He needs the church, godly accountability, and probably even some therapy for sexual addiction. Because it sounds like this has been going on for way too long, for far too long. I mean, you said, Lisa, 18 years.

And so a couple of just practical things for you. One, keep praying for your husband. I know it's been 18 years, but continue to pray and have hope that the Lord hears your prayers. Of course, we're called to forgive when people sin against us. Ephesians 4, verse 32, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. Continue to love him. And I think part of loving him is calling him to repentance. Be honest about the fact that this is serious, destructive, and that he needs to repent.

I think that's one of the ways you can serve your husband here. Proverbs 27, 5, and 6, better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Now, that's probably going to be hard, especially as he's wrapped up in his sin. And that's why he needs accountability.

And I always tell couples, for you, you don't need to bear the burden of being the primary accountability partner for your husband. He should be accountable to men in the church, pastors, elders. And so I would say a part of repentance is just being honest, coming clean about this struggle, about this sin, which has turned into an addiction. And so beyond, I think, just prayer and getting the help of the church, it sounds to me like there's going to need to be some serious counseling and therapy for him. This has gone on for 18 years.

Compulsive sexual behavior stimulates the same pathways in our brains that substance abuse does. This is like a drug addiction. And so you have to take that seriously. He has to take that seriously.

He has to call it what it is. Come clean and repent. And if he doesn't, part of the, I think, the process that God gives us in his words.

I mean, you go to him and it sounds like you have. Bringing the church into this, right, so that they can hold him accountable. I mean, this could very well become an issue of church discipline. His soul is in jeopardy if he does not repent of his sin.

And so he needs to take this very seriously. And I pray for you that the Lord would give you grace and that you would get the help and care that you need from the church as the one who has been sinned against. You also, I think it would be good for you to meet with maybe the pastor, some of the elders in your church, maybe even a counselor who can help you navigate the pain and the hurt that you've experienced over the last 18 years. And so may God be with you, Lisa. May he comfort you with his promise, the promise of Jesus Christ never to leave you or forsake you.

And may he give you wisdom in this time and again grant repentance to your husband. You guys are on the same team. You're not against each other.

You're one flesh. And that's why this is so painful. And so I just pray that the Lord brings true healing through the church and through all the means possible. And that you recognize that this is not your fault and it's not on your shoulders to save your husband. He desperately needs Jesus and the work of the Holy Spirit. And so may God hear our prayers and be with your family.

Some great counsel. Thanks for that, Adriel. This is Core Christianity with Pastor Adriel Sanchez.

Our phone lines are open for another seven or eight minutes. So if you have a question for Adriel about the Bible or the Christian life, here's the phone number. It's 833-THE-CORE.

That's 1-833-843-2673. We also have a YouTube channel, and Eddie submitted this through YouTube. He says, can you elaborate on Proverbs 26 verses 4 and 5? Mm-hmm.

Eddie, thank you. You know, we've gotten this question on the broadcast before, and I'm guessing the reason that you're asking this is because it sounds like it's a contradiction. Let me read Proverbs 26, 4 and 5. Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. And then verse 5 says, answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes. Oftentimes, with the wisdom literature of the Bible, it's meant to be read in counterpoint. You can see this with entire books in the wisdom literature. So, for example, you have books like the Book of Proverbs, which seem to give these just general principles.

It's very black and white. If you do this, you'll be blessed. If you don't do this, you won't be blessed. But then you have other books in the wisdom literature that seem to suggest the opposite, like the Book of Ecclesiastes or the story of Job even. Right here are individuals who have sought to live their lives honoring God, and yet they turned out to experience great suffering and pain and frustration in life. And so we're meant to read the wisdom literature in counterpoint. And this is just the sort of principle of wisdom, right?

Like the specific instances or circumstances call for special attention. Life isn't just black and white. Everything is not as simple as we'd like it to be, and that's one of the things that biblical wisdom teaches us. And so here with these two verses, I think that's exactly what you have is we're looking at them and sort of contrasting them, and they're both saying something that's true depending on the circumstance. There are instances where we don't answer a fool according to his folly so that we don't get sucked into the foolishness. It's like what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount.

Don't cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them and turn and attack you. There are instances where we just need, okay, this is not worth it. Engaging with this individual, this fool, with whatever it is that they're talking about, right? This is not worth it. It's not going to be edifying.

It's not going to honor the Lord. But then there are instances, and this is where wisdom is required, is knowing the difference between these two instances. There are instances where we do answer the fool so that he doesn't think that he's right, so that he doesn't assume that his arguments or his ideas are just not challengeable. There are times where we do have to step in and say, look, this is just so outrageous, and here is why you're wrong.

We're not getting sucked into it and engaging as fools. We're coming in and bringing the truth in and exposing the error, the foolishness, and so again, it requires wisdom and the guidance of the Holy Spirit to know, okay, is this a situation where getting into the conversation is going to involve me in something that I don't need to be involved in and actually is not going to bring glory to God? Or is it a situation where this person really needs to be called out for their foolishness so that they don't assume that they're right, and other people don't assume, well, I guess this person's right.

No, it needs to be challenged. And again, that's where we need wisdom, and so we pray for wisdom, but there's no contradiction here. Again, it's just what you see in the body of wisdom literature in the Bible in terms of how we're supposed to think about biblical wisdom. And so God bless, and thank you for your question. And Adriel, one of the things you have pointed out before is if you're talking to somebody about the Christian faith and they make some kind of outrageous claim, like the Bible is all made up of fairy tales or whatever, sometimes a question is the best response. What evidence do you have to support that?

Put it back on them to force them to respond. Yeah, that's right, because many times when individuals make these outrageous claims, they're just repeating something they've heard. It's not that they've really spent time studying the scriptures and that they've come to these conclusions through a detailed inspection of what the Bible teaches. And so this is where, again, we need wisdom, and sometimes asking a real pointed question can help us. This is Core Christianity with Pastor Adriel Sanchez.

Let's go back to the phones. Annette is on the line from Springfield, Missouri. Annette, what's your question for Adriel? Yes, I have a question about Romans 9 and 10. It says in there that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved, for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. I would like to know if confessing with your mouth Jesus is part of the salvation, or is it just the believing in your heart? Because I know those verses have been used in a lot of evangelical tracts.

And I think that it, I've read that that's misappropriately used when they say you can, your mouth Jesus is Lord. That's, the salvation occurs believing in your heart, and that's where justification occurs, not the confession as part of that requirement. Well, sister, you know, so I think the concern that I have, and maybe this is where you said some people twist these verses, is when we buy into this sort of idea of the, you just got to say a prayer, a sinner's prayer. Just say Jesus is Lord, ask Jesus into your heart, and you're saved. And we turn actually salvation into some kind of a work. Here's the sort of things that you need to do, and even here, we got to be careful that we're not turning it into, okay, here's the formula for salvation. You need to say these words, and believe in your heart, whatever that means, and then you're saved.

And people will look at that, and they'll say, okay, I've done that, I think I'm good to go. Faith is the instrument, we say, of our justification. That is faith, our faith in Jesus Christ lays hold of him.

It's like an empty hand with which we embrace the promise of the gospel. And the moment we do that, we're saved. Now, if in that moment, you don't say out loud, Jesus is Lord, does that mean you're not saved?

No, I don't think so at all. I think the emphasis here with regard to confession of Christ, Paul's talking about our allegiance to Jesus Christ, through faith in him, through our union with him, the main thing is that we're trusting in him. And the one who trusts in Christ is filled with the Holy Spirit, and kept by the Lord, sanctified throughout the Christian life, little by little, as God is at work in us, both to will and to do for his good pleasure. But truly, the exercising faith in Christ, believing in him, which is itself a gift from God, is what saves us. It is the instrument of our justification, and then we continue to walk with the Lord throughout our lives. And so I appreciate that question. Hopefully that clears it up for you, Annette. This is Core Christianity. We have time for one more question. Barry called in and he said, I'm addicted to porn, I'm not married, and I don't know how to deal with this.

What can I do? Barry, may God grant you deliverance and fill you with his Spirit. You need accountability, so you confess your sins to the Lord. I would encourage you to confess this addiction also to a godly man in your church to get accountability. You don't have a smartphone, but however you're accessing this pornography, you need to just cut that out of your life. Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it out. And so there's confession, there are steps of just removing yourself from the temptation and trusting in Jesus and embracing him, receiving his forgiveness and his mercy. May the Lord be with you, Barry. 843-2673. That's 833, the core. When you contact us, please let us know how you've been encouraged by this program and be sure to join us next time as we explore the truth of God's word together.