The First Wedding - Part B

We live in a culture in a society where permanence isn't even part of our thinking system anymore. We've taken God's blueprint and essentially we have, we've redrawn the blueprint. We've looked at God's blueprint and building the house of marriage. We go, I don't like this blueprint. There's no back door in it.

I got to draw a back door in it. Marriage is treated by many as a temporary thing, easy to dissolve and walk away from. But as Skip explains in today's teaching, God's design is for marriage to form a permanent bond between man and woman. Then stay tuned as Skip and Lenya discuss how your commitment to marriage can be a witness to others. You called your father and asked advice and his first question is, what does your husband say? And he wouldn't give me advice if I had not asked you.

That's right. Now, here's a resource that will encourage you in God's word with a special series from Lenya Heitzig. Betty White said, it's not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

That's not a sly shot at dads. It's a compliment to the wonderful work of mothers. Here's a great way to show your appreciation for a mother in your life. It's the heart songs package, which features a teaching series on the Psalms led by Lenya and Jenae Heitzig. Psalm 45 is a love song and in it, you're going to find a groom and a bride and it's their wedding day and it includes an ornate dress and bridesmaids and perfume and gifts and guests. The heart songs package also includes a beautiful theology quiet time journal and a bag of Skip's library roast coffee. It's a great gift to honor a special woman in your life with encouragement and strength as she studies God's word and spends time in prayer, all while enjoying a delicious cup of the coffee pastor Skip loves. The heart songs package is our thanks for your gift to help share biblical teaching and encouragement with others through the broadcast ministry of Connect with Skip Heitzig.

So be sure to request yours when you give online securely at connectwithskip.com slash offer or call 800-922-1888. Let's turn to Genesis 2 and join Skip Heitzig for today's lesson. Somebody once said Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the other men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about how his mother would have cooked that meal. This was the prototype man.

This was the first batch. Man and a woman brought together and he said this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. She will be called woman because she was taken out of man. So marriage begins with identity. Here's the second principle found in the next verse. Marriage requires responsibility and here it is. Therefore because of this reason, because of this reason, because I have brought the two Isha and Isha together, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh. There's three parts of that directive. It's the best marriage counseling on the books.

One short verse. Notice the process. First of all leaving. What that means is leaving father and mother. It means that one relationship must be severed in order to solidify another relationship. One must be severed in order to solidify. A man shall leave.

In Hebrew abandon. Now I need to explain something. It doesn't mean that you lose all contact with your parents. Never call me again.

I'm getting married today. Leave me alone. I'm moving away. It doesn't mean that. It means essentially cut the cord of dependence. It means your parents treat you, the newlywed couple, in an adult relationship now.

It means the parents give the children the space to grow up and solidify their own relationship. I always ask a young couple when they come up to me they say we're getting married. See look she'll go see look at that ring. I'm getting married. I always say congratulations. I'm excited for you.

But somewhere in the conversation early on I ask this question. What do your parents think? Well who cares what my parents think? No I care. What do your parents think?

Usually it's oh they're so excited but sometimes I'll get they think he's a creep. Well that's important to me. It's important because maybe not at that point but it could be that later on down the line the parent will be persuasive toward that girl or guy and you will seek to transform your mate into the image that your parents have for that one. I know some couples that never leave their father or mother.

Their parents can be dead and they still haven't left mother or father. That relationship has hijacked that new marriage and so I'll say to you parents if you're having children get married release your kids. Give them space. Don't try to run their lives. Your goal for your kids even if you've just recently had children your goal is to get that child ready to launch.

They're not going to stay there forever. You are preparing that child to one day to launch and we make that a symbolic part of every wedding. We have the bride walk down the aisle typically usually with her father and I ask the question publicly who brings this woman to be married to this man and he will typically say I do or we do or her mother and I do but it's the giving away of the bride that's symbolic but all important. I'm fortunate I have a father-in-law who understood this principle and he was at first service this morning he typically is and I got to thank him publicly that early in our marriage when my wife Lenny would call him for advice he was very cautious in giving advice. He would say what does Skip think about this before I answer the question. Have you talked it over with him first and he would be very cautious at dispensing advice and when he gave the advice he would always give the caveat now that's just my opinion if that's not what your husband agrees with scrap what I just said he was a wise man. There's something else to note before we move on to the second if we are to leave father and mother the most important relationship we have as human beings until we get married father and mother if we're to sever that relationship to solidify the new one that means that every other relationship in our lives must also take a back seat that means our relationship with our career with our friends with our hobbies with television must be reprioritized according to the new ultimate relationship that we have on a human level with spouse and spouse if we cut the ties with father and mother then other ties must also be cut a wise person once said a successful marriage demands a divorce a divorce from your own self love that's the first directive leaving here's the second cleaving therefore a man will leave his father and mother and be joined that's the new king james if you have an old king james it says cleave cleave it means to be glued together or welded together if I can take the liberties it conveys the idea of permanence now I do something when I perform a wedding ceremony I never ask the couple to say I do and I tell them this before the wedding I say I'm going to ask you a question and the answer is not I do it's not I've been like working out my whole life to say that you're not going to say that because I do means I do right now I want you to say I will because I will means I do now and I will continue to do that in the future so I'm going to ask you the question will you take this woman to be your god-given wife in this covenant of marriage will you love her will you honor her and forsaking all others will you live only under her as long as you both shall live and I say I want you to say it loud I will that's a statement that's a commitment that's the idea of cleaving gluing being welded together it speaks of permanence permanence togetherness in a permanent situation you skipped does that mean that there can never be separation in a marriage relationship under any circumstance I'm not saying that because Jesus in Matthew 19 gave the one exception and we covered that last Wednesday but I'm going to say something you know is true no matter what the circumstance is there is never a separation without damage can you think of a single divorce where there has not been some damage can you think of one here's the idea if I were to take two pieces of paper and glue them together and let the glue dry and a week later or a month later or five years later or 20 years later say I've changed my mind I want to separate those two pieces of paper could you separate the two pieces of paper without damage will they look the same once they're separated no they won't I may have changed my mind toward that union but if I try to separate that it will not be done without much damage and so Jesus Christ himself said what God has joined together let not man put asunder but here's the big rub here's the big problem for us we live in a culture in a society where permanence isn't even part of our thinking system anymore we've taken God's blueprint and essentially we have we've redrawn the blueprint we've looked at God's blueprint I'm building the house of marriage and we go I don't like this blueprint there's no back door in it I got to draw a back door in it and you look at God's ideal and he has a front door and the door closes and that's it you go I don't think so I want to put a back door in this puppy and so every week couples still come to the altar and they still say oh yes for better for worse for richer for poor and sickness and health till death do us part all the music all the beauty but under their breath they're saying unless there's a glitch because we have taken the idea of a permanent bond completely out of our thinking may God put it back in as we look at his blueprints what this means on a practical level is that a husband promises to be faithful to his wife I will until death do us part that means if she's not as pretty as she is on that wedding day if she decides I'm not going to cook like I used to cook when the kids were younger I'm not going to tidy up the house like we did earlier on that he's going to say I still am committed to you with as much love as I began and if he that guy that she's next to gets a big gut loses all of his hair has bad breath you're thinking Skip you just described my husband that the commitment of permanence doesn't change leaving cleaving here's the third weaving me therefore a man will leave his father and mother be joined to his wife and they shall become one one flesh what does that mean first of all on a primary physical level I guess it could mean that when a child is produced as a result of that union you could look at that child and say we have become one flesh we have merged two people into one unit but I think it means more than that I think it means one flesh that you share everything you share bodies yes you share possessions you share insights you become one flesh in an excellent book Wayne Mack describes the one flesh process when he writes it is the type of relationship that is shared with no one else other than one's mate it is a partnership in every area of life for as long as both partners live in other words there's absolutely nothing about which one spouse may say to the other that's none of your business the wife is complete and unfettered access to every area of her husband's life and so also the husband to every area of his wife's life there are no locked doors or secret hiding places how does this happen takes a long time it does notice notice what the text says it doesn't say the two will be one flesh it says the two will what become one flesh that's a process that's a process it's a process of weaving you see marriage isn't held together by chains but threads thousands of tiny little threads that you weave with your spouse every single day now if you go back to that analogy I brushed through moments ago that a couple is glued or welded together you might get the picture a couple years ago I was over in France and I stood in front of the Eiffel Eiffel Tower and uh access was denied the thing was closed down I go why is it closed they said because they're welding it I said welding it this thing's been up for over 100 years and now you're starting to weld it they go no no no we go over we go over the joints every few years and we reapply weld and we reapply fastening bolts etc we make the joints that were originally there stronger so it will last longer and I thought that's a great analogy go back over the joints that brought you together that formed strength in your marriage and build upon those things marriage is not held together by chains but by threads many of them thousands of them so a marriage begins with identity ish and isha becoming a covenant unit it requires your responsibility of leaving reprioritizing cleaving a permanent bond and weaving and all of that leads to the third the final the apex all of that forms the basis for intimacy verse 25 is the final principle and they were both naked the man and his wife and were not ashamed the word naked means to lay bare and the idea of the language from my studies it's it's a reciprocal idea it's a limited reciprocal idea in other words they are naked and laid bare with one another and before one another and in that that context is vulnerability this is intimacy this is what every couple longs for intimacy I didn't say sex I said intimacy two different things one leads to the other intimacy leads to sexuality but it's interesting when I say the word intimacy to men they think of one thing if I say that word to women they're thinking on a whole different track intimacy that open unguarded relationship that transparent sharing where the couple shares a discussion and shares silence and shares history and shares joys and shares heartbreaks all of that together is intimacy they were both naked they had nothing to be ashamed of they were open they were unguarded they were vulnerable and it wasn't until sin entered into the relationship where that was spoiled as we'll see in coming studies so we can see then that marriage on one hand can be infinitely rewarding at its best and in the other hand unspeakably oppressive at its worst and there's a lot of stages in between here's God's principle here's God's pattern leaving cleaving weaving and when you leave cleave and weave you achieve intimacy that's his plan that's his pattern very very simple three short verses that will be replicated over and over again in the scripture and pointed back to in the new testament four times because of the place of primary reference I want to close with an illustration written by a young woman about her grandparents she in observing them noted that all that we spoke about this morning was embodied in their lives and there's nothing like an example to speak to us she writes my grandparents were married for over a half a century and they played their own special game from time to time game that they began when they met each other the goal of their game was to write the word smiley in a surprise place for the other to find they took turns leaving smiley around the house as soon as one of them discovered it it was their turn to hide it once more they dragged smiley with their fingers through the sugar and the flour containers to await whoever was preparing the next meal they smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio where my grandma always fed us warm homemade pudding with blue food coloring smiley was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower where it would reappear again and again bath after bath at one point my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper to leave smiley on the very last sheet there was no end to the places smiley would pop up little notes with smiley inscribed hurriedly were found on dashboards car seats or taped to steering wheels the notes were the notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows smiley was written in the dust upon the mantle and traced on the ashes of the fireplace this mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents house as the furniture it took me a long time before i was able to fully appreciate my grandparents game skepticism had kept me from believing in true love one that is pure and enduring however i never doubted my grandparents relationship they had loved down pat it was more than their flirtatious little games were all about it was a way of life their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection which not everyone is lucky enough to experience grandma and grandpa held hands every chance they could they stole kisses as they bumped into each other in their tiny little kitchen they finished each other's sentences and shared daily crossword puzzles and word jumble my grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was how handsome an old man he had grown to be she claimed that she really knew how to pick him before every meal they bowed their heads and gave thanks marveling at their blessings a wonderful family good fortune and thanks for each other but there was a dark cloud in my grandparents life my grandmother had breast cancer the disease had first appeared 10 years earlier as always grandpa was with her every step of the way he comforted her in their yellow room painted that color so she could always be surrounded by sunshine even when she was too sick to go outside now the cancer was once again attacking her body with the help of a cane and my grandfather's steady hand they still went to church every sunday morning but my grandmother grew steadily weaker until finally she could not leave the house anymore for a while grandpa would go to church alone praying to god to watch over his wife and then one day what we all dreaded finally happened grandma was gone smiley it was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother's funeral bouquet as the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave my aunts and uncles cousins and other family members came forward and gathered around they gathered around grandma one last time grandpa stepped up to my grandmother's casket and taking a shaky breath he began to sing to her through his tears and grief the song came a deep throaty lullaby shaking with my own sorrow i will never forget that moment for i knew then that although i couldn't begin to fathom the depth of their love i had been privileged to witness its unmatched beauty and he sang s-h-m-i-l-y see how much i love you you smiley what that man and that woman had was a legacy that was the greatest possible gift they could pass on to future generations i know that i'm asking god for a tall order when i ask him that this wouldn't be just another marriage series they're a dime a dozen they're in every church across america we've done them i'm not praying for a great series i'm praying for great results in humility in changed lives and changed marriages so that generations to follow can feel the warmth from a flame that burns so brightly as our lives and our marriages our marriages that's Skip Heitziging with a message from the series keep calm and marry on find the full message as well as books booklets and full teaching series at connectwithskip.com now let's go in the studio with Skip and lenya and hear some more thoughts about today's teaching Skip today you shared some important principles that everyone can follow to have a successful marriage including the principles of leaving and cleaving and that's boy fundamental i think that's like marriage 101 and we first personally experienced that with our parents and we've now had to experience with our son nathan marrying and his beautiful wife janae and they've had to leave and cleave that process can be really tricky to navigate with your parents so do you have some tips well i would say to anybody out there if you're a parent the goal in raising your kids is the launch the goal isn't to keep them home you don't want them home all your lives and i know we love them and we nurture them but just keep in mind you're a a partner with god in discipling your children and the goal is to get them out of the house to get them responsible to get them fruitful and effective in society so the goal is the launch and at every marriage at every wedding the preacher says who gives this woman to be married to this man who gives and not what gives but who gives and it's usually the mother and father say we do and it's it's a gift to be able to release your child from one to another well they say they do but there's either apron strings attached or the umbilical cords getting snapped a little but but you remember in our own marriage that there was an issue and you called your father and asked advice and his first question is what does your husband say and he wouldn't give me advice if i had not asked you that's right that's a very healthy thing for a parent to that's a good healthy relationship is that you i'll give you some advice but i want to give it to you both not one or the other thanks Skip and lenya we hope this conversation has helped you to gain an even deeper understanding of today's teaching you can help encourage others to deepen their understanding of god's word by connecting them to the life-changing power of scripture with a gift today to keep these bible teachings going strong on the radio on television and online give a gift today at connectwithskip.com slash donate that's connectwithskip.com slash donate or call 800-922-1888 again that's 800-922-1888 thank you join us again tomorrow as Skip begins his message trouble in paradise and looks at what happens when the paradise of marriage is disrupted by the world's troubles the cross connect with Skip hyton is a presentation of connection communications connecting you to god's never-changing truth in ever-changing times