The Four-Sided Fortress of a Husband's Love

Understand what your role as a husband and her role as a wife is. And above and beyond all things, understand her. I believe that husbands should be lifelong students of their wives.

They need to understand them. I need to become a Lineaologist, having studied her so well, because I have to know her well if I'm going to love her well. It may not seem so, but your marriage can really be strong enough to thrive even in difficult times. Today on Connect with Skip Heitig, Skip shares how you can cultivate a secure, rock-solid marriage. Before we begin, here's a resource that encourages you to live with bold faith as you explore the inspiring stories of women in the Bible. You know Proverbs 31, the go-to passage that describes the ideal Christian woman and wife.

But let's be honest, that ideal can be as intimidating as it is inspiring. Here's Skip Heitig with more. Can I just tell you, it's exhausting to just read that, let alone how on earth women could you ever do that.

Well let me say, first of all, you can't do that in a day. He's not giving the 24-hour description of the virtuous wife. This is a woman over time. Get to know some of the most incredible women in the Bible and in history with two inspiring resources, a six-message CD collection from Pastor Skip on prominent women in Scripture, plus the book Seven Women by best-selling author Eric Metaxas. This bundle is our thanks when you give $35 or more to help expand the Bible teaching outreach of Skip Heitig. Charm is deceitful, beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Call now to request these captivating resources as our thanks for your generous gift.

800-922-1888 or give online securely at connectwithskip.com slash offer. Okay, let's get into today's teaching. We're in 1 Peter chapter 3 as we begin our study with Skip Heitig. Submitting to one another mutually in the fear of God, that's the thought.

After that thought is introduced, Paul then gives four examples of submission. An example for the wife, an example for the husband, example for children, and an example for servants. So notice submitting to one another in the fear of God followed by wives submit to your own husbands.

Okay, I'm going to give you a news flash. Many husbands did not know this because verse 22 is their life verse. They've memorized it. Wives submit to your husbands. I know many homes where husbands know verse 22 and not verse 21, but in verse 22 you see where it says wives submit, the word submit does not exist in the original text.

In the Greek language it is not there. It is implied, thus translators wrote it in there, but it actually begins in verse 21 submitting to one another in the fear of God. Then it says literally, wives submit to one another to your own husbands. And then down in verse 25, husbands love your wives. Then in chapter 6 verse 1, children obey your parents. Then in verse 5 of chapter 6, bond servants be obedient to those who are your masters. So you see, submission isn't just for the wife. It's for the wife, the husband, children, servants. There are four examples of submission. Now I know some of them. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Skipper, are you telling me that I as a husband submit to my wife?

In a manner of speaking, yes. And I want you to see how you are to submit. Look back at verse 25 of Ephesians 5. Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Listen, there is no greater act of submission than the willingness to die for another person. Jesus on the cross was the world's greatest demonstration of submission. He submitted to the will of the Father.

He submitted to the need of mankind, needing the forgiveness of sins. That is a profound act of submission. Doesn't mean that the husband stops being the leader. Certainly in any organization, whether governmentally or at the workplace or in the home, somebody needs to make the decision. And yes, the husband is the head of the home. I had a woman come up to me and say, well he may be the head of the home, but I'm the neck that turns the head. Okay, have fun with that one.

Here's an illustration that I found helpful. There was a guy driving his car out on a country road and he came to a very narrow bridge on a narrow road. In front of him was the sign, Yield. So he thought, okay, that is my job to yield for oncoming traffic. So he slows down to a stop, peers over to see if anybody's coming.

It's all clear. So he goes ahead. Later on that afternoon, he comes back over the same bridge and on that side of the bridge was another sign that said, Yield.

So he thought, that's funny. I thought the yield sign was on the first side that I came in on this morning. So as he went across the bridge, he looked back to make sure and sure enough on both sides of the bridge was the sign, Yield.

The point being is this, you want to avoid a head-on collision. Both drivers need to yield. In a relationship, you can be stubborn, but both drivers relationally need to yield.

Certainly the husband must make, I believe, the final decision, even though it's not right, as we saw last week with Abraham and Sarah. But nonetheless, there is a yielding process that must take place. William Hendrickson said, when grace changes the heart, submission out of fear changes to submission out of love. So submission is mutual.

That's the first side of the fortress. Let's move to the second side, the second principle, consideration is essential. Still in verse seven, husbands likewise dwell with them, that is dwell, live with your wives. Notice, with understanding. Understanding, simple. Understand what God's purpose for marriage is. Understand what your role as a husband and her role as a wife is. And above and beyond all things, understand her. I believe that husbands should be lifelong students of their wives. They need to understand them.

I need to become a lineaologist, having studied her so well, because I have to know her well if I'm going to love her well. Understanding, dwell with them with that knowledge and understanding. You know the primary text in Genesis chapter two, it says, it is not good that man should be alone. So God says, here's God's solution, I'm going to make a helper, here's the word comparable to him. Comparable, suitable. A counterpart if you will. I'm going to make a helper as a counterpart to him. Actually in the Hebrew it says, I am going to make a helper like opposite him. That's an interesting way to put it.

Like him, but opposite to him. And the translation by the way suggests polarity. Just like you have a north pole, you need a south pole, because otherwise that planet's going to go nuts. You need a balance.

The north pole to the south pole. So men and women are different and similar. Like opposite. Yeah, we're the same species, but we are on different wavelengths. One book on brain physiology states this, men are different from women. They are equal only in their common membership of the same species, humankind. But to maintain that they are the same in aptitude and skill and behavior is to build a society on a biological and scientific lie. The book goes on to say, men and women are different because their brains are different. Not better, not inferior, not superior, different. And one of the keys to a happy marriage is that you understand that. Dwell with them with understanding. Men and women differ in so many different areas.

Basal metabolism, skeletal makeup, blood composition, heart disease, heart disease, heart disease, depression, heart rate. There are other differences. For example, in a conversation, a woman, when she speaks, will maintain direct eye contact for an average of 12 seconds.

A man in a conversation will maintain direct eye contact for an average of three seconds. Also, women tend to find their identity in close relationships, not men. They find their identity in what they do, their vocation. A woman will worry about her future until she gets her husband.

A man will never worry about his future until he finds a wife. And there are communication differences. For example, Harvard University did a study of little kids on a playground. They monitored the noises they make. They tape recorded them. And they discovered, in listening to little kids' playground conversations, that the sounds that came out of little girls' mouths were actually recognizable words. Whereas, the noises that came out of little boys' mouths, 60% were recognizable words, 40% were sound effects.

Vroom, bam, bzzz, wah. And let me just tell you something. As you get older, things really don't change. I'm here to tell you. Men still like the bottom line. Just cut to the chase. What are you trying to say? We don't want details, right men?

You know what women want? Details, details, and more details. One of the reasons why, perhaps, is communication experts tell us the average woman speaks 25,000 words a day. The average man speaks around 12,500 words per day.

Just under half. Now what does that mean in marital terms? It means that when he comes home in the evening, gals, he's already used up 12,495 words.

He's got five left. You, on the other hand, you're just getting started. And he's wondering, how come she talks so much? And she's thinking, he never says anything. Understanding that will help. Somebody asked Albert Einstein's wife, do you understand the theory of relativity?

She smiled and said, no. But I understand Dr. Einstein. I guess I would ask Dr. Einstein, hey Einstein, do you understand your wife? Because that's the meaning of the passage. Husbands dwell with them with understanding. Submission is mutual. Consideration is essential.

Here's a third wall of this fortress. Cooperation is practical. Same verse. Giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life. You know when it says giving honor, you know what it means? It means to assess or assign, assign someone a place of honor. Assign someone a place of honor. To assess that they have value and to assign that value to that person. Honor is a word that means price or precious or priceless.

It means that a husband should treat her with respect and courtesy and kindness. And how about this word? Chivalry. Remember that word?

Let's bring that baby back. Chivalry. Opening doors for women. Yeah, that actually happened. I knew a guy who said he opened his girlfriend's door for her then they got married and he closed the door on her. It was a strange thing.

I would not recommend that. Chivalry. I heard about a man who was walking into an office building and as he was walking toward the entrance he saw a young lady walking toward the same entrance at a brisk pace so he walked very fast to open the door for her and as he opened the door for her she was a little bit more modern and liberated and she kind of in a gruffy way said don't open the door for me just because I'm a woman and he smiled and said I'm not. I'm opening the door ma'am just because I'm a gentleman. So let that be a part of you. Just honor.

Treat with honor. Gary Smalley who has written many books on marriage and relationships said after interviewing hundreds of wives and daughters there is one consistent plea that is commonly asked by them of all of their fathers and their husbands. Here it is.

Here it is. Please be comforting instead of lecturing and criticizing. It's the one thing overwhelmingly in these interviews these gals wanted.

Please be comforting instead of lecturing and criticizing. Gary Smalley said this was so important to them that their eyes would actually light up with just the thought that their husbands might learn this responsibility. Now there's a phrase after giving honor to the wife and I want you to notice what it says. If I don't deal with this and I'm going to deal with it very very cautiously but you need to know what it means. It says giving honor to the wife as to what? Go ahead.

What does it say? Weaker vessel? Now can I just say do not go home husbands and and like say hello weaker vessel. What's for lunch weaker vessel?

Not a good strategy. So you need to know what it means. First of all you need to know what it doesn't mean. When it says weaker vessel it doesn't mean that a wife that a woman is weaker intellectually. Doesn't mean that. It does not mean that a woman that a wife is weaker emotionally either. In fact I would say would you not agree that women are generally more mature on an emotional level. They're able to talk about their emotions.

They're able to describe and articulate what they feel. You know most men if you ask them what do you think about that? They'll tell you but if you ask them this question how does that make you feel? They will not know how to answer you. It's just like deer in the headlights.

Like a non-sequitur. I don't know. You ask a woman how that makes her feel?

She is ready to tell you. So they are mature emotionally. They are mature intellectually. When it says weaker vessel it does not mean intellectually. It does not mean emotionally. And it does not mean spiritually. I'm here to tell you as a pastor for over 30 years that when it comes to spiritual things women are right there ready to volunteer. One article that I read entitled women are the backbone of religious congregations in America stated women are 57% more likely to participate in Sunday school 39% more likely to have daily devotions 33% more likely to volunteer at church and 29% more likely to share their faith with somebody else. So if he says weaker vessel and he doesn't mean intellectually or emotionally or spiritually what does he mean?

It's quite simple really. He simply means on a physical level physiologically generally women don't have the physical strength that men have. In fact that is shown scientifically a woman's blood contains more water and 20% fewer red blood cells which supply oxygen to the body which accounts for the fact that she will tire more easily and be more prone to faint.

Now that's generally speaking. You might say no I can whip my boyfriend I lift weights okay but generally speaking weaker vessel. Now let me move away from this as quickly as I can and say men don't you think we need to know our wives so well that we know the soft spots and their character just like when a newborn is brought home the father and mother know the soft spots the fontaneles on that baby's head those little soft spots where the bones haven't fused and come together yet. I think that if a man understands there's soft spots in my wife's character there's things she struggles with there's fears that she has there's people I need to keep away from her because they want to attack. I need to offer strength in those areas where there's weakness. Let me put it this way treat your wife like fine china not like paper plates treat them like silverware not plasticware or as one country sage put it if a man has enough horse ants to treat his wife like a thoroughbred she'll never turn into a nag.

Good practical stuff. And then he says and and as being heirs together of the grace of life that's companionship that's why I say cooperation is practical you're companions you're heirs together. Now some commentators think that this means purely in the physical sense they share life together they share marriage together they share a home together they produce life i.e their children. Others believe this is speaking on a spiritual level eternal life everlasting life they're speaking on a spiritual level eternal life everlasting life they share that certainly that's true if you're if you're a a believing husband and a believing wife both are true you're doing life together and you're anticipating together eternal life so you could look at that as meaning Jesus died for her as much as he died for you gentlemen that her soul is as precious to him as your soul so keep that in mind you're treating her however you treat her you're dealing with a child of God a daughter of the living God. I've always loved what Matthew Henry said he said woman was not taken from man's head to be above him she was not taken from his feet to be walked on by him but she was taken by his taken from his side to be close to him from under his arm to be protected by him from near to his heart to be loved by him. Husbands remember this your wife doesn't want more things she wants more of you.

I want you to hear that your wife doesn't want more things she wants more of you now I know some of you guys are thinking you haven't seen my wife shop but I contend that the reason she's good at shopping is because you're not giving her what she really wants and that's not things that's you that's your honor that's your esteem that's your input that's your companionship as heirs together of the grace of life. Now it brings me to the final and fourth side of the fortress and that is this division is unprofitable there's one final little phrase little strophe of this verse that he leaves to the end I'm glad he leaves it to the end because it answers a question you know you could be listening to this message reading this verse and you're going yeah you know what I've heard this before and it's good good stuff I agree with it but is it really that important what is it that paramount I'm glad you asked that question because notice how it ends that your prayers may not be hindered now look at it all together husbands likewise dwell with them with understanding giving honor to the wife as to the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers may not be hindered would that seem to imply that your prayers could be hindered if you don't treat it that way that sounds logical to me and it's theological as well the word hinder means to cut in or to interrupt it's a military term of somebody trying to blow up a road so that an enemy can't advance toward you on that road and here's the point of Peter's using it I believe satan's desire is to throw a trench in the road between you and God and the communication effective communication that you would have toward God he wants to interrupt that remember what Jesus said to Peter Peter satan wants to sift you like wheat I think that's true of every husband here satan wants to sift you like wheat so what is it what is it that could hinder from your prayers being answered well actually there's one special sin that will do that you know what it is unforgiveness you want to stop up your spiritual effectiveness just try unforgiveness on for size listen to the words of the Lord Jesus Christ in the sermon on the mount for if you forgive men their trespasses your heavenly father will forgive you if you do not forgive men their trespasses neither will your heavenly father forgive you never go to sleep at night without forgiving each other for whatever you need to forgive each other for and there's probably a list forgiveness I'll break this down to one salient principle this last little wall evasion of husbandly duty will bring interruption to heavenly bounty evasion of husbandly duty will invite an interruption to heavenly bounty or blessing you want to see God's blessings stop as a husband failed to do these things so I'm I'm pleading with you if you've got a little picture in your mind of the perfect partner tear it up now and accept the imperfect person you're married to an imperfect person and can I just say so is your spouse and we fail and we fail and that's why that's why we need to forgive and honor and esteem and yield because that is a fortress designed to keep safe the inhabitants that concludes Skip high tech's message from the series rock solid now here's Skip to share how you can keep these messages going strong to connect more people to God's truths you know the world doesn't understand Christians and with good cause we're called to be set apart from the world while also living in it but sometimes we need encouragement and that's where this broadcast comes in we seek to equip and encourage friends like you in your walk with the Lord and you can help keep these faith-building messages on the air here's how you can give a gift today visit connectwithskip.com slash donate to give a gift that's connectwithskip.com slash donate or call 800-922-1888 800-922-1888 thank you for your generosity and come back tomorrow as Skip heissig shares how you can live in such a way that others only see the love of Jesus in your heart the church ought to be the place where the walking wounded feel at home people who are wounded and beat up by this world should be able to come because we revel in being tenderhearted with each other something we should be great at. Make a connection, make a connection at the foot of the crossing. Cast all burdens on his word. Make a connection, connection. Connect with Skip Heissig is a presentation of Connection Communications connecting you to God's never-changing truth in ever-changing times.