Five love languages but church people.
I think they have a language all to themselves. My 23-year-old daughter has moved out and hates me. My husband hasn't touched me in years. You never know how God's going to work in your life. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . It's time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of January featuring your calls and questions for this trusted author and speaker. There's a love language question ahead that I have never heard, friends, but you're going to hear it today.
Plus responses to past conversations, a struggle with an estranged daughter, and a whole lot more. Straight ahead here on Building Relationships. If you want more simple ways to strengthen your relationships, visit us online at buildingrelationships.us. You'll find our featured resource there, the book by Dr. Chapman and John Hinckley, a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick practical insights every couple needs to thrive. Gary, talk about that new project that you and John worked on. Well, you know, John and I have been friends for a long, long time. As you know, Chris, he works at Moody Publishers and has for many years. And we put our thoughts together and put together this book, A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Because I've long said to people, marriages either get better or they get worse.
They never stand still. And so this book is taking people where they are and just trying to help them take steps to make things better. And very, very practical deals with a number of different topics with short chapters. I've found that the modern reader prefers short chapters rather than long chapters.
And so we have short chapters and at the end of every chapter there's a growth assignment. There's something they can do. There's a step they can take to make their marriage better. So I think it's going to be a book that many couples will find very practical and very easy to work through, you know, time wise.
So I'm excited about it. So if I'm getting you, and this comes out next week, if I'm getting you right, the idea here is not how can my spouse make my marriage better for me? It's how can I, and both of you are participating in this, how can I make the marriage better by doing something, by doing something practical and simple?
Yeah, exactly. And reality is I'm the only one that can change me. And I can't change my spouse. I can influence them and I have a positive influence if I do positive things. And I have a negative influence if I do negative things. So if I change my behavior in terms of making it more positive rather than negative, I'm having a positive influence. And then they decide, you know, if they're, but chances are with a positive influence, they will change because all of us are either getting better or worse individually. It strikes me with Valentine's Day coming up, not too long from now, this might be a resource that couples could go through together.
Not as, you know, you need to redo this because you need to change. It's like we're going to go through this together and learn and grow. Yeah, I think it'd be a great thing to do. And Valentine's Day is a good time to get started. Or Valentine's Month, you know, it's a month in which the whole nation is focusing on love.
So, yeah, I think that would be wonderful. Again, our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us is A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Well, since we're talking about a book that you co-wrote, Gary, with your friend John Hinckley, I want you to hear this next question about the love languages I've never heard before. It's a question and kind of an idea. Yes, I'm a pastor in South Carolina.
Just had a question. I have all your books, most of them, five love languages. But I have a question in reference to "The 5 Love Languages" . I've been on my mind for about two years now, five love languages for church people.
I think they have a language all to themselves. And have you written anything on that? Anything like that? I would love to even consider, maybe as small as you thought, maybe having some input. If you choose to write on something like that, I could maybe have a little input with that. Like I say, I'm from the backwoods of nowhere.
I just want to have you do any writing on that. God bless you. Thank you. Well, I appreciate this pastor's call. Coming from South Carolina, I am from North Carolina, so I identify, of course, with his accent.
We do have one, people tell me. What I hear him saying, Chris, is he's talking about, what about a book on "The 5 Love Languages" for church people? Is that what you're hearing?
That's what I'm hearing, yeah. Because they have a language all of their own. Yeah, and I guess my thought is, my first thought is, what church people are people. You know, we're all people. The love language applies whether people are Christian or non-Christian.
If they choose to meet the person's emotional need for love, the love language gives them information on how to most effectively do that. I don't know that I would see there being a special edition just for church people. Because I think church people are people, and they have the need to feel loved.
Maybe I'm missing something there, but that's my initial response to the question, which is not a good answer. I don't think you are, but because I think what he's getting to is, maybe you would describe as a dialect of church people. You know, and the first thing that popped into my mind, it probably shouldn't have, but was the potluck. You know, the church potluck, this is how we get together, this is how we fellowship. So there's a way that people communicate in church, well, you know, with the language that they use and the terminology and hymns, which is different than the culture. But at the heart, you're saying people are people, and you probably don't need a different edition for that.
Yeah, that's my initial response to that idea. And I do think, yes, there are certain avenues and places in a church, I mean, a church is a community. And there's an opportunity to relate to many different kinds of people, because people are very diverse in a local church. And understanding the concept of love languages and knowing the other person's love language will help you in meeting their need to feel loved by a fellow Christian who's walking with them.
And yes, there are contexts in which that can be done in a church much more easily than just people in a community together geographically, because we have regular times that we're getting together and interfacing with each other. Well, you have, just walk me through real quickly here, you have a military edition of "The 5 Love Languages" . You have a specific men's edition of "The 5 Love Languages" . You have a teenage edition, a children's edition, right? It's for parents of teenagers and parents of children. And then we have one for the teenager, yes.
And then we have one for the workplace, the five languages of appreciation in the workplace. We have one for couples who have just lost a baby to death or a young child. We have one for people who have special needs children and how this works with them. And then we have one for caregivers of dementia patients, how this works with them. So we've pretty much covered the bases, I think. Well, and our listeners, I'll speak for them, very helpful to go into those, especially I was thinking of the keeping love alive as memories fade, because a lot of people are dealing with that issue in their family today.
Yes, yes, very much so. A featured resource is a simple guide for making marriage better. Quick, practical insights every couple needs to thrive. Go to Building Relationships.us.
You can find the book right there at Building Relationships.us. Gary, we've talked about the sexual relationship in marriage over the last couple of months. And one of the things you always say is not to discount what's going on physically for the person who isn't interested in intimacy. Here's our next caller.
Hi, Gary. This was listening to radio and heard on why my sex life with a husband not wanting her wife. We have an issue in ours. My wife had a concussion.
I'm just wondering what concussion does to the sex drive of a wife, because she doesn't want me actually. She detests me. We're working on relational issues. I am clean as far as morally I have been for years, but it's just been a turn really more to the south since her concussion. I really appreciate who you are, what you do and how you're just being used by God.
Thanks. Well, I appreciate the question. Not being a medical doctor, I don't really have an answer as to whether a concussion or how a concussion would impact a wife's sexual desires. So I can't medically answer that question. I do think the reality that I think you said you were working on your relationship, you realize there's some room for growth there. And I would say if you're not seeing a counselor, I would encourage you to see a counselor. And you might also even inquire of a medical doctor that you may know, just not necessarily even in the office, just to say, hey, does this impact the sexual drive of a female if she has a concussion?
And probably a medical doctor, at least if he didn't know, he'd have some friends who knew who are medical doctors who would know more about that. But I do think that you need to process this, because obviously that puts pressure on the marital relationship. So working with a counselor and letting him or her help you all walk through your feelings and being open and honest with your feelings in a positive way, not a critical way, but just trying to understand each other better and asking how do we deal with this and what do we do and are there things that we can do?
So I'm sorry that I don't have a very good answer for you, but I do think there are people who can help you in that area. That was my first thought is what does her doctor say about this? And it sounds like there has been a change in her attitude toward him since the accident or however that happened. And so validating his feelings about what's going on. But if she says, no, I don't want to go to a counselor, what does he do?
Well, I would say he can go to the counselor because the counselor can help him work through his own emotions with this. And man may discover some ideas on things he can do or not do that would make things better in the relationship. We're always better to have an outside voice speaking into a difficult situation. And if you hear a question that you'd like to respond to today or you have a question about your own relationships, it could be something that you're struggling with or maybe there's something going on that's really good. We'd encourage you to call our listener line 1-866-424-GARY. We'd love to hear from you.
Call 1-866-424-4279. And you might hear your question or comment on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Well, I think you can hear it in this dad's voice, Gary, and I don't think he's alone in the struggle that he's having.
Hey, Gary. It's hard for me to say this. I'm out tearing up.
I might have to call you back. My 23-year-old daughter has moved out. She hates me. She's part of the LGBT community, doesn't identify as my daughter.
She identifies as they and them. I offended the heck out of her. She got all mad. I don't know how to handle it other than be patient and try to keep loving her. She moved to California and to her friend's house. Her group of people that she's influenced by all seem to hate their parents. And regardless of how much we've done for them and how much we love them, she feels that she's not loved. She banned me from her phone.
I can't reach her through Facebook. And I don't know what to do, mister. Anything you can do to help. Love you. Thank you, Gary.
Well, you know, Chris, you want to cry with this caller. It's been interesting in my own counseling. In the last two or three years, I've had more and more parents who fall in this same category. That is, their adult children have shared with them, you know, I'm homosexual or I'm lesbian. I have a partner.
I'm going to get married with da da da da da or whatever the scenario. But just, you know, dropping on the parents something they never, ever anticipated to hear coming from their child. And some of those children break off the relationship with their parents. There are also parents who break off the relationship with their adult children and say, well, if that's the path you're going, don't come back here.
Either one of those is tragic. When a parent breaks off a relationship because of this information, or the adult child breaks off the relationship because they think, well, my parents will never accept it. They don't understand it.
They don't love me because of what I'm doing. Either way, to cut off contact means that neither one of us can have an influence on the other because we have no contact. And it's really, really sad for the parent. If the adult child cuts off the contact, won't answer phones, won't respond to emails, won't answer letters.
We don't know if they read them or not. I think two or three things come to my mind. One is we have to recognize that we are not responsible for our adult children's decisions. One of the questions that parents often say in my office is, what did we do wrong that our child has turned out this way? And I remind them, don't accept responsibility for your adult children's decisions.
Now, if you recognize, looking back through the years, that you did fail them in some ways, certainly, if you have the chance, apologize to them for that. But even then, they made their own decision as adults. And that's a freedom that God gives everybody. We can all choose to obey God or not to obey God, to follow God's laws or not to follow God's laws. And I also remind parents, and I've said this before on the program, Chris, God's first two children, Adam and Eve, went wrong and made a horrible decision.
And they had a perfect father. So parents shouldn't take the full responsibility for the adult child's actions. But this father is crying out for, what do I do? She's cut off contact with me. What do I do?
And I think two or three things come to my mind. One is, I would say, continue, if you know her address, continue on special occasions, like birthdays or Christmas or Easter, sending her a card, something she can hold in her hands that was once held in your hands, and some writing on it that came from your hand. It can't hurt. They may not accept it. They may not even read it. But at least it's an effort on your part to reach out and have contact with them. If you don't know an address, of course, you can't do that. If you know an email address, you can certainly do send a message. If you know a phone number, you can send the text. If there is a way to make contact, I would say reach out, even though you don't get a response, and even though they blocked your phone calls, etc.
The other thing is what you're already doing, and that is praying that God will work in their heart and bring someone into their mind, into their contact, that will help them understand things better and recognize how tragic it is to break off contact with your parents because of how you feel that they feel. And I don't know what verbal conversations went on when she shared this with you. I don't know what you said at the time.
I don't know how she responded. But the ideal is, when a parent hears that information coming from that adult child, is to let them know, I love you no matter what. You know that I don't agree with that. And if it's a Christian, you say, you know that I don't believe God agrees with that. But you're an adult, and you are free to make your own decisions.
I can't make your decisions for you. I'm saddened by what you're sharing with me, but it's your life, and I give you freedom to live your life, and I will love you no matter what you do. That kind of approach tends to keep the door open to the possibility of further conversations and further interaction between the parent. And if I were talking to the young adult who has made decisions like this and is walking in a path that they know is contrary to what their parents believe and what the Scriptures teach, I would say, you have an attitude of, Mom and Dad, I know this hurts you very deeply because I know this is not what the Scriptures teach. In that sense, I know in your mind that I'm doing wrong, but I have to do what I believe I need to do, and I hope you will still love me because I will love you.
You gave me life, you cared for me all these years, and I want you to know that I will always love you. So you're keeping the door open as well. Either way, the more we can keep the door open, the better. But when the door is closed by one, sometimes we're limited to simply praying.
But listen, that's a pretty powerful limitation. Talking to God and asking Him to work in their lives in His way, He knows how to touch their hearts. He knows how to bring prodigal sons home. So I think don't underestimate the power of prayer. It would also be valuable, I think, if you could be in a small group. Some churches now have small groups for parents who are struggling in these areas. But be in a small group where you can share with other families who are walking a similar path. Or work with a Christian counselor and let them help you also work through your emotions because this is very, very painful.
No question about it. And you need the fellowship, the help, the interface with other Christians who understand you and understand your beliefs and believe the same thing you do but help you work through your emotions. The other thing, you just mentioned the prodigal.
The other thing, because this dad sounds to me like the same dad in the prodigal son. And what you've said before is be ready when that phone call comes or that knock on the door or have the robe and the ring and the roast beef, you know. Have that ready. Be ready. Not that they're going to necessarily change their life and their choices, but at some point they may decide, you know, it was pretty good. I want to get in touch with my dad, so be ready for that, right?
Yes. And I've seen that happen. I've seen that happen on several occasions where after, sometimes after two or three years, the adult child makes contact with the parents because things have happened in their life. They're getting older, they're processing life and they're beginning to realize, you know, this is not good. And they take a step to reach out. And so you're being open-armed, as you say, like the prodigal son's father. That's the very best position you can have when that happens.
Waiting at the parapet. Okay, so when I heard that call, there was a voicemail that I remembered from a different program, but I want to play that here because I want to hear your reaction to it. But the topic that was being discussed was not giving up on something that's hard in your life. And this caller wanted to encourage other listeners.
Here's what she said. Hi, I was listening to your show today about people not giving up. And my daughter was so awful.
It was just more than 15 years of unbelievable things. I thought about suicide all the time, but I hung on with her. And I have to tell you that now she's almost 50 years old and she is the most wonderful person that you could ever ask for. She would do anything for anybody.
She helps me all the time. And God is so good because I was so close to the edge. And I just wanted to tell you that because it might encourage some other parents who are ready to give up. They need to hold on because you never know.
You just don't know how God's going to work in their life. Thank you and I enjoy your show. Sorry for the tears. Well, you have to be grateful to that lady for sharing that, you know, because she went through a really, really hard time and mentioned that she even contemplated suicide along the way because this had happened to her and she just felt like such a failure, etc., etc. But not giving up, that's a good word for anyone who's in a difficult situation that you cannot immediately change yourself. And keep open because, listen, people are always changing. We don't stay the same. We're changing. And that adult child in five years or ten years may be a different person than they are today. And God has a way of drawing people to himself and redeeming them and changing their whole perspective in life. So, yeah, don't give up. That's a good message. Fifteen years, she said. And this is not prescriptive.
We didn't play that here, you know, wait 15 years and this will happen. You're not guaranteed any of the outcome here. But what she is saying is I kept my heart open and pliable and I didn't give up hope for myself or for my daughter.
And things eventually did turn around. So you open the door, as you say, open the door for the opportunity that something good is going to happen down the road. And one of those prayers that I've heard you talk about, too, is, oh, God, bring someone in their life who knows you and who loves you and wants to love them.
You know, the words from a mom or a dad might fall on deaf ears, but the words of a friend who really comes alongside them might be the thing that turns the light on. Yeah, that's exactly right, Chris. We don't know how God can reach out to people and how He will, but we do know God has the power to do that. And we know that God loves them no matter what they've done.
You cannot read the Bible without understanding God loves people who do horrible things and He wants them to come to Him and He reaches out to them. We're still free. We can make our decisions. But God does reach out and seek to bring us to Himself. And so, as parents, we don't know what the outcome will be. And that's why we put the person in God's hand and say, Lord, I've done all I know to do at this juncture. I want to release them and put them in Your hands and pray that You'll work in their lives.
Now, help me to go on with my life and in spite of my hurt, to do what You have in mind for my life and don't allow the decisions of your adult children to cripple you and lead you to do something less than what God has in mind for your life. You're listening to the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. If you go to our website, buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the latest release from Dr. Gary Chapman and his co-author, John Hinckley. It's the book, A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better.
Quick practical insights every couple needs to thrive. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Plus, while you're there, find out when Gary might be coming to your area for a seminar. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And don't forget, you can ask Gary a question by calling us at 1-866-424-GARY. Call that number, leave your message, and you might hear an answer on a future Dear Gary broadcast, 1-866-424-4279. I have a question I want to read instead of hearing the person's voice who called.
I'll keep them anonymous. He says, I've been a Christian for about 40 years. I've been married 27 years. My wife is not interested in sexual intimacy. In fact, she thinks it's ungodly. She doesn't say that, but that's the way she treats the subject. She thinks it's a hindrance to God and a hindrance to her life.
So, Gary, what do you say to this husband and what would you say to her if she were listening today? Well, I think the Scriptures are rather clear about sexuality. It was God's idea.
It was not our idea. He made us male and female. He instituted marriage.
And the sexual part of the marriage is an important part of the marriage. I mean, the Bible is very, very clear on that. Now, you know, what led her to her attitudes?
I don't know. You know, whether it was things that happened to her as she was growing up. Many times people were sexually abused along the way, for example. Sometimes they've never told anyone about it. But it does affect their perspective on this part of the relationship because they have the pain attached to what happened to them. And even in marriage, they carry that with them emotionally.
So, there's something going on there. I would say if she's open to talk with a counselor about this, that could be very, very helpful because a counselor could help her discover why she feels the way she feels about this. And her being heard by someone other than him, he's not likely the one that's going to convince her, you know, that she should be thinking differently about this. It's probably going to be someone outside the marriage that will help her see that. And a Christian counselor, and I emphasize Christian counselor, would be the best person for her to see. So, I think if he just says, honey, you know, this is really troubling to me, and I know it may not be troubling to you, but would you be willing to go to a Christian counselor? I don't have to go with you, or I'm willing to go with you.
Either way, whatever you think would be best. But I just feel like you need to understand yourself better and where this is coming from. And I love you too much just to do nothing and just drift along here when I feel like we're missing out on a part of what God intended marriage to be. So, and if she's open to that, if she's not open to him, he might talk with a friend of hers and let that friend know what's going on because sometimes women respond to their friends. I don't know if she's in a small group of ladies or not, but sometimes obviously ladies bring up things like this and talk with other ladies about it. I wouldn't simply give up on it and just say, well, that's just the way she is, and I guess the next 20 years this won't be a part of our relationship. Let's make every effort to try to help her understand herself and where this is coming from.
And as I said, I think a Christian counselor is the best person, the best possible person to relate to that person and deal with that issue. That's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. You know him from "The 5 Love Languages" , perhaps. And here's a question. You mentioned small groups. A few times in our calls we've had a question like this one. It's about small groups studying "The 5 Love Languages" .
Hi, Gary. I'm interested in knowing is there a way to teach "The 5 Love Languages" to a mixed group of multi-aged adults, singles, married couples that are all together in one Bible study? And we're in a small church and it would be like a Wednesday night Bible study. Do you have any materials that would be especially appropriate to teach that group? Thank you for letting me ask the question.
My answer is yes. You know, with the five love language book, that's the one that has been out for many years now. It's addressed to married couples. There's also a workbook that goes with the book. That is, each person would read a chapter in the book that week and they would take the workbook and answer the questions in the workbook.
And then you'd get together and discuss that with a small group. Now, there's also, and you may or may not be familiar with this, "The 5 Love Languages" for singles, single adults. It's the same five love languages and applies the concept in all of the singles' relationships, relationship with their parents, with their siblings, with their college roommates, with their work associates. And then with that, there's also a workbook. So the single adult could be reading that edition and working through that book at the same time the married couples are working through the other book. So I think those together, the original book, each of those, and then the workbook for each of those would be a real asset to anyone who's trying to lead a group that includes both of those people. And it could be that, depending on how many people are in the group and how many singles are in the group, but it could be that going through this process, you might want to have two groups, one for married couples, one for singles on this particular topic. Then you could come back together later in some other topic.
But you'd have to decide that for yourself. But those are the resources that are available that I think you would find helpful in leading a small group. Have you heard feedback from people who've been in a small group?
Because I know if you read it on your own or if you read it as a couple together and talk about it, that's great. But what are the advantages of having a bunch of people together having the conversation about the love languages? I think it's been very helpful, Chris, because what it does, one couple will bring up something that they're struggling with or some question they have that another person may have had a similar question, but they've never asked it because they weren't with anyone they were open to ask it about.
But in a small group, that's a part of the dynamics. We can ask questions. We can share ideas with each other. If someone brings up a question, another couple may say, well, this is the way we've handled that. So I think, yes, it's wonderful. I think it's an asset to be working through "The 5 Love Languages" with a group because you do get ideas that will help the other person or you can share an idea that will help them.
So, yeah, it's a positive thing to take a group through "The 5 Love Languages" . So if you have a question like that, we'd love to hear from you. 866-424-GARY, 1-866-424-4279. For anonymity's sake, I'm going to read this next question as well. And feel free to do that if you want to call, but you don't want your voice on the radio, just let us know that. Here's the question.
And this is one I don't think I've ever heard before either, Gary. I'm reading one of your books, Dr. Chapman, on marriage. And it says here that if I need further assistance to speak with my church pastor about my situation, we are having big issues in my marriage. My problem is I can't go to my pastor because he's a close relative.
And as I see it, he's creating some of the problems that we have in our marriage. I don't know what to do or who to go to for help. I need guidance.
Where do I go? I don't know what to do. Well, I can understand that you would not want to go to your pastor if he's a relative of yours. I can understand that. And especially if you think he's part of the problem. But there are other pastors and other churches in the neighborhood to call and ask to speak with a pastor or ask, do you have someone in your church that does marriage counseling or marriage coaching? Sometimes they use the term coaching. And chances are you will find some other churches that has someone, maybe not the pastor, maybe someone else.
Or whom do you recommend? Many times pastors know who the local Christian counselors are because counselors try to build bridges to pastors. So you're not limited to going to your pastor. You can get information from other churches as to who the Christian counselors are in your area. Another source, of course, would be to go to Focus on the Family. And they can also give you a list of counselors that are in your area, Christian counselors in your area. So you can Google them and call them and ask, you know, how do we do this? And they'll give you the folks who are in your area. Gary, I mentioned the programs that we've done in the last few weeks on intimacy and marriage. Some of the calls are coming in about that. This wife decided to pick up the phone and ask this question.
Hi, I'm like the women that you're talking about. My husband hasn't touched me in years. Says it doesn't work. But yet he watches porn. So if it doesn't work, why would a man want to watch porn? I don't understand that. Maybe it's just me he doesn't want. We don't talk very much. Communication is bad. Many thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you.
Bye. Well, obviously, this is a very difficult situation for a wife, which we had the whole program on that, when a husband expresses no interest in being sexually active with her. And yet in his case, and it's also true in many cases, he's actively involved in porn. And so how he got to where he is, obviously, I would not know.
That is in terms of what happened along the journey that led him to that conclusion. I do know that porn can be very, very addictive. And if a man has been involved in porn for over a period of time, he is likely very addicted to it. And really, typically will not change unless there's a crisis in his life. And he really turns to God, often with a pastor or a Christian counselor, helping him understand that God can deliver him from this addictive behavior.
Because it is addictive. And it will not change over time. If he doesn't reach out for help and come to the place where he realizes this is not... And I don't know if he's a Christian or not. But, you know, a Christian man needs to understand that that is a perversion. It is not what God intended. It's making women an object.
And it's insensitive. It's impersonal. It's someone you don't even know.
It's just totally physical, sexual, mental. And so, I don't know if he has a friend who's aware of this that might convince him to reach out for help. And I don't know what you as a wife could do. Because it appears to me, you're open, you don't understand it, but you don't know what to do. And there's not a whole lot you can do, except confront him with it lovingly. Honey, I don't know how you feel about this, but I'm greatly disturbed about it. You know, I don't think this is natural and normal. And I think him saying to you, this is just not working, that's just his way of staying, I don't want to be involved physically with you. And he's meeting that need somewhere else.
You know, the physical need for sexual release somewhere else. But those are my thoughts. And I'm not sure they're very helpful to you, to be very honest with you. But if someone could help him come to recognize that there is deliverance from that addiction, he could be helped. Well, I think there's hope in what you've just said, Gary. And I hear kind of a hopeless sound in her voice. And I think you've just kind of given that, when she said that there's not a whole lot of communication. Well, maybe you start communicating a little bit more in the marriage and you talk about other things that you can, and then you work up to, and here's the thing that's bugging me right now, and then you have a conversation about that. Without her flying off the handle or reacting real strongly, if they have that kind of conversation and it becomes easier for him to talk about other things, then perhaps they'll get to what really is going on inside of him. You know, Chris, I think that's a wonderful idea. For example, the book we're featuring today, A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better, it has short chapters on a whole lot of topics, and one section is on the sexual part of marriage.
And so you're right. If she would say, for example, here's a new book I just heard about, would you be willing, we'll each read a chapter a week, and at the end of the week, we'll just ask anything we can learn about this to make our marriage better? And if he's willing to do that, you know, eventually they're going to get to the sexual area. And as you said, because they've been talking about the relationship, when they get to this area, he'll probably still talk about it, and they can talk about it more openly, and not in a condemning way, but in a very positive way.
You know, if he was open to that, I think that'd be a wonderful idea. A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better. You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. We have just a couple of minutes here, Gary, and I wanted to get a question or two from StartMarriageRight.com, that website, and there's one here for singles. And it sounds like the single has been dating for a while, maybe even has been engaged. The question is, when is it time to leave a relationship?
What do you say to a person who asks that? Chris, I think in our culture, dating is a process, of getting to know someone well enough to make a wise decision on whether the relationship should lead to marriage. And many, many dating relationships break up. You know, I was in high school, I dated a gal for three years, and when I went off to college, she broke up with me. And it was very painful for me, because I had these love feelings for her. But that's the purpose of dating.
And not all dating is going to lead to marriage. So I think, you know, to work through a book, for example, I have a book called Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. And I've had couples say to me, you know, Dr. Chapman, I was dating and we were thinking marriage, and we started working through that book together, you know, reading a chapter each week and discussing it. And by the time we got through, we decided not to get married.
And I said, well, wonderful, wonderful. When you begin to look at the realities of what's important, and you know, how would we do this in a marriage if we got married, and you're looking at many of those areas, yes, it can bring you to a wise decision that we really shouldn't get married. So nothing wrong with coming to that decision.
Now, he's asking specifically, how would you know? Well, I can't answer that specifically for any individual. But I do think, for example, working through that book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, and having forced to look at 12 different areas of life and discussing it together, I think by the time you get through, you probably know whether we should move forward to marriage or whether maybe it's time for us to go our separate ways. Yeah, so it's a gift. In one sense, it's a gift to be able to break off a relationship when you really know, no, this can't work because of one thing or another. Absolutely, absolutely.
It's a positive, mature decision. Well, let me give you one more question, and I love this one because you've talked about it a lot here on the program through the years. How can I become a better listener in my relationship? Well, you know, we have personalities when it comes to talking. Some of us are what I call dead seas. We don't have much of a compulsion to talk. We're happy not to talk, and we're just happy to listen. And others are called babbling brooks, and they just talk all the time.
They talk and they talk and they talk. So our personality does affect us when it comes to listening. Much easier for a dead sea to learn to listen than it is a babbling brook. But I think we recognize that communication involves two things. It involves talking, and it involves listening, and both of those are important. And if we tend to be a babbling brook, then we have to recognize, you know, I have got to slow the flow. I have got to ask more questions of the other person and then give attention to what they're saying rather than as soon as they tell me something, say, oh, well, that reminds me, and we tell them something about our lives.
Because, see, babbling brooks are going to talk, talk, talk, and if you bring up a topic, then they'll jump on that topic and talk about it. So I think we have to recognize our personality and which way we tend to lean, and then if we do recognize that we're doing a lot more talking than we are listening, sometimes in a marriage relationship or even dating relationship, you can actually structure it to say, okay, for five minutes, you talk about anything you want to talk about, and I'm going to listen to you, I'm going to ask you questions to clarify what you're saying, and then I'll have five minutes. And this really helps a babbling brook, because now you're structuring both talking and listening, and you structure it for a while, and it'll become more natural for you to, when a person's talking, give attention to them, ask questions, try to understand what they're saying, what they're feeling. It can really help communication. And all of us need to work at improving our communication. But the power of what you're talking about is you kind of take a break, and you value the other person. It's been helpful to me to think of those types of questions. Tell me more about that. Why did you make that decision?
Why do you say that? And then stop and listen, and you'll gain information and understanding if you take that approach. Absolutely, Chris. Asking questions, asking questions, asking questions. Because, listen, even dead seas will talk if you ask questions and wait for their answer. You know, babbling brooks will ask you a question, and then what do you think about da-da-da-da-da-da, and if you don't give them an immediate answer, they'll answer their own questions. Well, I know what you think, and they'll tell you what you think. So learning to ask questions and not responding to their answer, but understand what they're thinking and what they're feeling. So you can just say, well, you know, that makes sense to me. I can see how you'd feel that way, and I can see how you could think that way. But when you're talking, then if they took the same thing, you can have really good conversations if you learn how to talk and listen.
But it is a process of learning. That's one of the most helpful things as a parent that you've said through the years. It's like, I can understand how you would feel that way. You don't have to judge.
You don't have to correct or anything. I can understand from your perspective how you could feel that way, about music or whatever it is or the type of car that they're thinking about buying or whatever. Oh, this is really good. Before we conclude today, let me give you the number if you agree with something Gary said, or if you disagree, or you have a question about your relationships, 1-866-424-GARY. For any question or comment you have, 866-424-GARY.
We'd love to hear from you. You can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships at buildingrelationships.us. You'll see the featured resource, A Simple Guide for Making Marriage Better, quick practical insights every couple needs to thrive.
Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, how do you become a good leader and fulfill your purpose in life? Don't miss A Conversation with Dr. Kevin Leeman in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
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