I wonder if I am the one, you know, with the problem or would you have any advice, you know, to my wife? A lot of people say that tough love was what we should have done.
I don't know if I can get through to her or if I can bring her back to prove to her the man I am. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times bestselling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for June as Dr. Chapman takes a variety of questions about relationship struggles, the ups, the downs, and there are some ups and downs represented today. Yes, we have some great calls for you today and this is our final broadcast before we take a brief summer hiatus.
We'll be presenting our summer best of series coming up beginning next week and we hope you'll join us for those conversations. Our featured resource today is a really important book. It's holding on to love after you've lost a baby. "The 5 Love Languages" for Grieving Parents.
Gary, you wrote that with Candy McVicker. And I wonder if you'd take just a minute here to tell us how that book is meeting needs today. Well, you know, Chris, anyone who has gone through that experience where they have lost a baby by miscarriage or stillbirth or even a young child, you know, just three or four years old. Will know that it is a traumatic experience and oftentimes you feel kind of isolated from friends and other people and that they don't understand the depth of the pain that you're experiencing. And that same thing can be true between the husband and the wife because we tend to process grief in a different way. And sometimes a husband will say after a few months to a wife where they've lost a baby, honey, you've got to get over this now.
It's happened and you've got to accept it. And so he's preaching to her, you know. But this whole concept of understanding our basic need for love, emotional need for love, is extremely important when we're going through experiences like this of trauma in our lives. So if a husband and wife can read this book as they're passing through this and can bring back to the front burner, if they've heard the concept at all, the idea that, listen, we want to love each other through this and we want to speak each other's love language as we walk through this. Because if we both feel loved and supported and cared for by the other, it's going to make it easier for both of us.
And so this is a journey we're taking together and we're less likely to preach at the other person or kind of demand things of them rather than just walking with them through the grief. So I think this book already has been very, very helpful to many, many people. And of course, my co-author is a mother who's experienced the death of children and she and her husband have walked through this and they found it very helpful themselves.
That's why I wrote the book with Candy McVicker. So, yeah, anyone in the audience who knows of someone or maybe you've gone through this experience, even if it's been some time in the past, I think you're going to find this book to be very, very helpful. I saw a social media post by a friend of mine who wished his late son a happy birthday.
He said it's been 36 years. So that just shows exactly how long these things hang on to us. And I thought it was really vulnerable of him to mention that, you know, on social media and then to bring others around. So I think that's one of the things that the book does is it helps you not to hold this to yourself. It lets you be in a community of sort, holding on to love after you've lost a baby. "The 5 Love Languages" for grieving parents are featured resource.
Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Now, let's get to our calls. First up, a divorce and remarriage question, along with a spiritual dilemma.
Hi, Gary. I am listening to your broadcast and the woman, the segment that you guys have on right now about marriage, divorce, marriage and divorce again. I'm sort of like in that situation. I got married seven years ago and a divorce after three years and a half years. I initiated the divorce, living apart. But then we came back together and now we're thinking about getting back there.
Actually, nothing. We made the decision that we want to get remarried. And as well, he has a ring that's put up for me.
And here's the big dilemma. And it's not really big because as a Christian woman, I know that we need to be equally young. The only thing he has not gone to the cross for salvation. And every time I talk about it, he's not ready.
He doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want to be a hypocrite. And I assure him and reaffirm him that that's when we let Jesus Lord our life and we get better. And nobody's going to be perfect until the day we go and meet the Lord. No one's perfect in this world. We're all human beings.
So we can strive to be the best disciple and follower of Christ as we can be. We've both been faithful to each other. And I'm just thinking about, do I really want to go back and remarry this man? You know, the only thing that's where I see the issue is that he hasn't made Jesus Christ his savior. But the prayers that I pray in the house and us being together, he has seen the hand of God.
He's just not impressed now to surrender his life to the Lord. He doesn't do anything wrong. He works very hard. He's a good provider ahead of the household. But as a spiritual leadership, I am spiritually leading, which I believe is out of the order of the nature of the family and the nation.
He's ahead in the carnal way, but spiritually he's not. Can you give me more insight on this, please? Thank you. Well, you know, Chris, as I hear her deeply empathetic with the fact that she really wants to do the best thing at this point.
And here's what I would suggest. I'm not saying marry or don't marry. I'm saying, let's make it a journey. You know, you came to the place where you separated. There was enough things that went on that led you to divorce. And now I don't know how long you've been kind of re-engaged with each other. But let's prepare more for the second time than you did the first time. And here's what I mean by that. What if you say to him, you know, I really am leaning toward our coming back together. But I don't want us to go back through what we've been through.
And I'm not sure that... I just think we need to keep learning some things. So would you be willing to go with me for premarital counseling? Or would you be willing to go with me to a class that's being taught at our church on marriage or a marriage conference or something?
You know, whatever you choose to do. But let there be some things like that where both of you are being exposed to the same principles on a healthy marriage before you just simply go back into the marriage with still having a lot of things unresolved in the past. If you take more time before you make that final decision, you're far more likely to have a success in your marriage. Obviously, your husband's relationship with God is extremely important. And I think you're right to be concerned about his not willing to do that at this point. But if you can do some things like premarital counseling or going to conferences or reading a book, working through a book or two on marriage, chances are in that process of all of that, the spiritual aspect of life may also be, you know, addressed. And listen, God is the one who has to touch his heart, you know, and he has to be responding to God.
So I would just say make the most of preparation this time rather than simply just focusing on the decision to remarry or not to remarry. Or to say to him, to dangle this over him, if you don't become a Christian, we're not getting remarried, it's like, okay, well, I'll walk an aisle, you know, I'll at least say it, you know, because you don't want that to be. But there's also, I hear in his life, I'm not ready for that, I'm not ready for that, he's at least being authentic because he could say, no, I prayed that prayer, you know, he could try to pull the wool over our eyes and he's not doing that.
So I think they're trying to be honest with each other, right? Yeah, and I think that's positive. That's very, very positive because we don't want simply a surface response of, yeah, I'm a Christian now, you know, we don't want that. But I think walking within through some of the things like I was suggesting is a process that God can use, not only for him, but also for you to prepare you for marriage. And the spiritual aspect is certainly a part of that.
Here's our second caller. I don't want to say it like this, but burden of having to care for everyone, including ourselves, which gets to be kind of difficult. Sometimes we have a job, sometimes we don't, sometimes we have kids with special needs, like I do, and can't work any longer because having to deal with all the different things that we have to do. But our spouses are gone and sometimes I feel like the equalness of the burden is not there.
And I know that maybe some of the military members are actually working more, but mine doesn't always, he has a long period of lulls where he's not actually working when he's gone. So he's able to go out and just have fun a lot, a lot more. So I wanted to know, like, how do you work on the closeness when you're gone? And that's where her question ended, right there, kind of in the middle of the sentence. But I think you got enough, Gary.
Go ahead. Yeah, I think there are a lot of military wives and men, for example, who will identify with what this military wife is saying. And I have a real heart for military couples. I've spoken on many, many military bases and have a book, "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition, which I would highly recommend to this wife or any other military wife and or husband, because we all have the basic need to feel loved. And "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition helps you learn each other's prime, what I call the primary love language, speak it when you are together. And then that book has ideas on how to speak the love languages while you are deployed, so that you stay emotionally connected, even though you may be thousands of miles away. So that book, I think you will find to be very, very helpful. Military chaplains are often giving these books out to people. You might even check with the chaplain on your base and see if they might even give you a copy of that book.
Otherwise, you can certainly get it on Amazon. But that book has been very, very helpful to many military couples, because if we meet that basic need and we each have what I call a full love tank, we emotionally feel loved by each other, it's easier to process, you know, the times away and the times that we are together. You also mentioned a special needs child in your case. And I have an edition of "The 5 Love Languages" for Parents of Special Needs Children, which you might also find very, very helpful, because special needs children need love as much as any other child. But there's differences in how you express love to that child. And the title of that book is Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families. If you go to buildingrelationships.us and click on Store, you'll see it listed along with the other books that Dr. Chapman has written. Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families. As Andrea mentioned just a minute ago, if you call 1-866-424-GARY, you can ask Dr. Chapman a question and leave your message. Keep it as brief as possible and we'll see what we can do.
1-866-424-GARY. Here's our next question that came from a concerned wife. What do you do when your husband cannot stay away from inappropriate contact with women, meaning text messages or emails? He uses anything to get a woman to say something to him and make him feel validated and not his wife. We've only been married a couple of years. I'm tired of it. We've been through counseling. He doesn't see anything wrong with it. He makes excuses and gets angry with me when he's called out on it. I'm in my 60s.
I don't want to live like this. What do you say to that wife, Gary? Well, first of all, I have empathy for her because I think no wife would want her husband to be reaching out and sending text and email messages on a regular basis to other women, unless, of course, it's a business thing, you know, where it's a part of your business.
And it's obviously that's not the case here. It's interesting that she's in her 60s. And I think she said they've only been married two years. So this is very likely a pattern that he has developed through the years. And this has been one of his sources of feeling good about himself if he feels like other women are interested in sharing things with him, text and emails and that sort of thing. Now, whether it goes any further than that, I don't know.
That may be the limit. He may not be involved with these women in any way physically, may not even go to maybe not even see these women. I don't know who they are, but I can certainly understand her frustration with this. She mentioned they've been to counseling already, didn't seem to help. I think she has to decide how important this is to her. And he has to come to understand how painful this is to her.
Now, I don't know. It could well be that these text and email messages have nothing to do romantically. I don't know the nature of the relationship with those people with whom he's doing that. But just generally, that's not a healthy thing in a relationship. I do think, however, I would say to you, if you don't understand his primary love language and your primary love language, I would really encourage the two of you to work through my book, "The 5 Love Languages" , discover each other's love language, and on a regular basis speak that language because that will create a different emotional climate between the two of you. And if he understands the concept and you understand the concept and you start speaking each other's language, you're going to feel emotionally connected. And he may well either totally withdraw from what he's doing in these text messages, or you may come to understand that's not an issue.
That's not something that he's going to be involved with somebody else in a romantic way. But meeting that emotional need is important. If you don't have it, then it really gets bigger and bigger. The problem gets larger and larger. So let me encourage you to read the book.
You can also go online at fivelovelanguages.com. If you want to see a lecture on that, you can also see that there as well. And if you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question, 866-424-GARY, that question had a lot of pain in there, I think. And really that is the common denominator with most of the calls that we received and the emails, Gary, is there some kind of pain in my life and I need some help. That's what this next call is about. It's from a parent asking some really hard questions.
Hi there, Gary. My question is about regret and parenting and tough love. Our son grew up to be an adult, made wrong choices, got addicted to drugs, put us through a lot as a family and himself through a lot for ten years or so. And he has gone on to meet the Lord. He's with him in Heaven now and I know that Jesus rescued him and that he belongs to God and he's in Heaven and we will all be together someday.
So I'm thankful, so thankful for that. However, we did not love him as a lot of people say we should have. A lot of people say that tough love was what we should have done. They don't tell us that now, of course, but I'm just wondering what you have to say about tough love versus just trying to talk and use the Bible and use God's word and pray and continually forgive and try to keep that one that you love close to you without saying, you know, if you're going to make these decisions, you have to leave. Anyway, I hope I've explained myself well and I do thank you so much for being there. God bless you.
Bye-bye. I think it's difficult anytime for any parent when they have a child who makes poor decisions in terms of drugs, alcohol, addiction, that sort of thing. None of us want to see our children walk that path. And when they do, it's very difficult for us. And I think parents waver between two approaches, you know, both of which this scholar has mentioned. And that is, you know, being loving, affirming, you know, having conversations, but never coming to the place where you say, okay, here's what we have to do and here's what we're going to do. And if you don't do this, then here's going to be the consequences because we love you too much to sit here and do nothing to help you because this problem's not going away. And so those two approaches parents sometimes vacillate between. And I'm hearing her say that in retrospect, looking back on it, she wishes they had taken more of a tough love approach.
I would just say this to her at this point. We can't undo the past. We can evaluate. We can try to learn something from it that might help us help others who may be going through this. That is, God may bring into your life individuals who have children like this and you can kind of share with them, you know, your regrets in terms of not taking the tough love approach. God wants to use even our weaknesses and even things that we might consider our failures.
And He can use them and can use you to help other couples who are going through this. But we can't redo that. But here's the good news. Let's say that you're correct in assuming that maybe you didn't do the best thing. We confess our failures to God. God forgives us for our failures. And the other wonderful thing about this lady's situation is her son became a Christian and she is going to see him forever.
And she mentioned that, you know, in her phone call. So let's look forward to the future. Let's thank God for allowing us to have the child in the first place. And let's thank God that He has forgiven us for our failures in the past.
And let's not allow what we consider our regrets to keep us from investing the rest of our life in serving God and doing positive things with the abilities that we have. I find that to be also one of the common denominators of calls is, I've got this regret and you feel this accusation in some way, this condemnation, you know, that you kind of walk around with. And I think that the enemy of our souls loves to do that. He loves to get push your head down.
And if he can't get you some way, he'll get you looking in the rear view at all the mistakes that you made. And that's why I think this is a great opportunity to really cast yourself on the mercy and the grace and the love of God, again, to use it. Here I am thinking about what we could have done back there, Lord. You know that I can't, you know, we can't change this.
I've heard Dr. Chapman just say that. But I'm going to praise you in the middle of this right here, right now, with all of the hurt and the pain and the loss that I'm feeling. I choose to praise you in the middle of this. You start to turn that around and some of that condemnation, I think, might lessen, don't you? I think you're right, Chris. And I think the other factor is one that I alluded to, and that is you ask God, Lord, if you can use this to help anybody else that I might interface with in the years to come, I'm available.
I'm open. I want to use my own regrets to help folks who may be going through this presently. And I think she just did that.
I think she just did that with that phone call. And when you're vulnerable and when you allow God access to that and then for other people to hear it, and that might be an impetus for you to call today, if you have a question for Dr. Gary Chapman, there's something, maybe her call sparks something in your own life about dealing with mistakes you've made in the past. Let me give you the number 1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-GARY. Before we take a break here, Gary, could we just pause here and would you pray for the person who's listening today who has these huge regrets in their rear view and they just are having a hard time with those today? Father, you know what we're talking about and you know the individuals who may be listening today who are struggling with regrets in their past. And I pray that you would give them freedom from living under the bondage of past failures and help them to understand that we can't go back and undo things, but we can make the future better. And I pray, Father, you just deliver them from allowing the enemy to defeat their future, their present and their future because of past failures and past regrets.
May your spirit minister to them today, I pray. All right, Gary, he has one idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. His wife has a different idea. I'm interested to hear your response to this caller.
Hey, Gary. Listen, growing up, you know, I watched my father and my mother. My mother had, you know, my father's lunch prepared on the table. You know, she had the fish sauce in one bowl, the rice in another bowl, and vegetables in another bowl. And my father would come home and enjoy, sit down, relax, and enjoy his meal. Now I'm married to my wife, you know, and when I come home, you know, she will just tell me, you know, go on the stove and get your food or your food is in the microwave, you know. And I'm not used to seeing that kind of, you know, lifestyle or treatment, you know. So I wonder if I am the one, you know, with the problem or would you have any advice, you know, to my wife as to how she can better please me when it comes to, you know, serving because of the way I was brought up, the way I saw my mother treated, you know, my father?
Thank you. Well, Chris, you have to smile. At least I have to smile when I hear that. I've often said to men, one of the things you must realize when you get married, you are not marrying your mother, okay? Because what he's describing is what all of us by nature kind of expect. We expect our wives to be like our mother was to her husband. And we're not married to our mothers and our wives are different. They're a different person. They grew up in a different home.
They didn't have that picture of what a, quote, faithful wife would be doing for her husband. So that's a common problem and not always described as openly as this gentleman did. But it's a very common problem that we expect our spouse to be like the opposite. You know, like if it's a wife, she expects her husband to do what her daddy did. And she may have some of those same feelings about him.
I don't know. She may say, well, you know, my daddy would mow the grass or my daddy would vacuum the floors or my daddy would clean the toilets. My husband doesn't do that. So first of all, we've got to realize every human is different. We came up in different families. We come to marriage with a different concept of the daily role of the husband-wife relationship. This is again why I think it's important for husbands and wives, first of all, to understand the love language concept. And I know I talk a lot about this, but I think it's so important that you learn each other's love language and you speak each other's love language.
Because when you feel loved by each other, then you can openly discuss things like this. And you can come to understand what's important for the other person. And because you feel loved by each other, you're far more likely to make adjustments that would make life more meaningful for the other person. Because that's really the heart of love, is an attitude. I want to make your life easier for you.
I want to make your life more meaningful. And so if we have that attitude, then we're far more likely to have that attitude if we feel loved by our spouse. So maybe the starting place, if you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages" , is to read that and discuss it together. And in that context, where you're trying to meet each other's need for love, you're more likely to find a resolution to what you're talking about. And you're more likely to learn, each of you, to make some changes that would be meaningful for the other person. But just to demand that of your wife, or to criticize her, it's not going to work. It's not going to make her want to do that for you. But loving her in her love language does tend to influence her to want to love you in a way that's meaningful to you. And it sounds to me, as I hear his story there, it sounds to me like acts of service might be his love language. That's what he feels. He feels valued when she, you know, with the dinner or whatever else it may be. And it's not on her radar. It's like, I already made it. She'd already made it.
You know, it might have been in the microwave or on the stove or wherever. But she does love him, it sounds like. She's done things for him. She doesn't do the extra serving him and getting the extra bowls out there. And even I'm smiling at that, Gary, because this, you know, he's saying, I don't feel valued by her. I don't feel loved by her. And here's what she needs to do in order to do that.
And, you know, you're saying you can't make that requirement. But if she hears him say, this is how you really value me, how you communicate that to me, that gives her a level of understanding of him that she didn't know, perhaps, right? Exactly, Chris. But, you know, if they don't understand the concept of the love languages, she takes that more as you're just trying to make me be like your mother.
Yes. You know, and she's kind of pushed off and put off by that. But if they understand the love language concept, because I think you're right, his love language is probably acts of service. If they understand that and both of them, you know, talk about work through the book and talk about it, then they're far more likely to begin to speak each other's love language. I wonder if we got her a call, because if his is acts of service, then he probably speaks acts of service to her. And if hers is not acts of service, you know, it might be words of affirmation or quality time, whatever. She may not feel love from him either. So, all right, we'll stop.
If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you can find out more about "The 5 Love Languages" . You can take the assessment right there. It's absolutely free. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. All right. Our next caller. Her son in law has a physical condition. Can Gary help her daughter's marriage? Here's our next call.
Hi. My daughter got married and she knew that her fiance had diabetes, type one. And now they are married and they do not have any intimate relation. And she's very, very sad and depressed that she looks like she's living like a roommate with her husband. So can you please give me some insight what to do for my daughter?
Thank you. Well, I appreciate a concerned mother who wants her daughter to have what we would consider to be a normal sexual relationship in her marriage. It's unfortunate that her fiance did not inform her of his physical condition and that he was not physically capable of having sexual intercourse in a normal way, as most people do.
It's unfortunate that she's learning that after she got married rather than him revealing that before they got married. I would say as a mother, what you might do is encourage the two of them to go for marriage counseling. And if they need financial help, just say to them, I will be willing to pay for whatever it costs for you to go for counseling. Because I want both of you to learn how to work together in your marriage in this area. That would be the very best thing I think that could happen because they both need to be heard by an outside party. And particularly a counselor type person who can help them understand each other and where they are and explore what the possibilities are.
And also, even if, for example, he's never able to have sexual intercourse, what are other things that we do physically to communicate love to each other in a marriage? So I just think counseling probably has the most hope for them. And as a mother, that is something you can not only encourage, but possibly make it financially feasible for them to do that. And maybe if you are in a church, you can contact the pastor or pastors and find out who the Christian counselors are in your area.
And actually give them a name and a phone number where they can call and make an appointment with that counselor. It's a really important call, Gary, because I think there may be some people in the audience right now listening who feel just as blindsided as our next caller. His wife's desire for divorce took him by surprise.
Hi, Gary. Obviously, you know, I would hope to never have to make this phone call, right? But I feel like a lot has gone down in the past month where essentially I feel blindsided, right? My wife wants a divorce. I feel blindsided. After reading your book, I feel like my emotional love tank was pretty much full. Therefore, I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm not meeting hers and she's running on empty and I'm breaking her down. And I look unappreciative and cetera, et cetera. And I think I have a lot of clarity on where I went wrong and my actions during certain disputes or arguments.
And I see that clarity. We have a young son. He's young, only a year and seven months. We did get married, buy a house and had a baby all in one year.
So everything happened fast. I don't think we got a chance to enjoy what marriage can bring. I feel like at some point, there comes a time where you sit somebody down and say, hey, these certain things don't change. You're losing me.
Like, I don't think I can stay in this because you are continuing to not step up as a father or husband. Right. I didn't get that opportunity.
Don't get me wrong where they're hints at it. Hey, could you tidy up? Could you do this?
Could you do that? Definitely hints, but I just didn't catch on. And so therefore, this just continued to happen before my eyes and not really notice.
I feel like I just wasn't being present, very consumed by work and just really not being there. But the book that you wrote, I mean, really touched me in the sense of like, it's incredible. Like, and honestly, it touches a lot on how she feels. She did say she would read the book. I feel like there's no way somebody can read this book cover to cover and not at some point cross their mind. Maybe I should. She counts there.
Maybe I should try again. I expect that with the child involved, it's not just about yourself. Right. We would exhaust every option before doing something super drastic like that.
But in my opinion, I don't think this is going to happen that way. She seems so firm in her decision to talk to her family. Of course, you're going to support her.
So not staying in the house in the Airbnb, obviously of a child involved. It's like, I don't know if I can get through to her or if I can bring her back. But when I read this book, it touches on how she feels so much that I'm hoping it would resonate with her to where she would open up her heart just a little bit to let me in to prove to her the man I am.
Thank you for the time and hope to hear from you soon. Well, Chris, I'm encouraged that he's reading books. I don't know which of my books he read, whether it was "The 5 Love Languages" or my book called One More Try.
What to do when your marriage is falling apart. Both of those books would be very helpful to a person in his situation. He did indicate that he had asked his wife if she would read the book and she agreed that she would. So that's a plus if she follows through with it because she will get exposed to some concepts, the same concepts that have helped him understand himself. And how he missed clues on what he needed to be doing in the marriage because of his involvement with work and all of that, but just not doing the things that she felt important.
So if she does read the book, hopefully they can have a discussion about the things that he discovered in the book and that she may discover in the book and begin to work and talk in terms of how can we make this different? Because I think he's open. It seems to me he's open to making things different. He's open to understanding more fully, you know, how to love her and what he needs to be doing in his role.
And let me just throw this out. It's not abnormal that in the first year or two of marriage, couples have problems. I mean, I look back on my old marriage. We struggled greatly in the early years of our marriage. It's not abnormal to be going through what they're going through. It is unfortunate in my mind that she has categorically decided if she wants a divorce and that this is the only way out because he's never going to be what she thinks a husband should be.
Because I think he is capable. We're all capable of making changes. And sometimes it takes a wake-up call like he's just received to make him realize, oh man, I didn't realize it was this bad. So if she would go read the book, whatever book he read, read that book, and then the two of them go for counseling before they make the final decision of divorce, I think they would both profit greatly by doing that. And very likely, they will find reconciliation.
Because nobody gets married and a year and a half later, they won't divorce. It's just that she obviously is hurting deeply or she would not have reached that conclusion so early in the relationship. So I really appreciate the caller calling. I'm glad that he's open. I'm glad he's reaching out and reading and trying to learn and understand himself better.
And let's just pray that somehow God will help her open her heart to the possibility that things can be different if the two of them come to understand more fully what needs to be done to make this marriage successful. And if you want to ask a question, Dr. Chapman, 1-866-424-GARY is our number. As I mentioned earlier, this is our final broadcast before our Summer Best Of series. And Gary, I'm looking at an email that I just received. I know that we're going to have a conversation about how to deal with a family member or a friend who is LGBTQ.
It's coming up in our Fall series. But I just got this email. I'll read it to you. I have a son who's living a gay lifestyle. He's to be married to his partner later this year.
I have a lot of concerns. He was raised in the church, saved at a young age. Is he truly saved? Can he live a Christian life while living the gay lifestyle?
Do I as a Christian attend the wedding? He knows I love him with all my heart and that I do not condone his lifestyle. I want to be there for him, but I can't support this.
What help can you give me? What would you say to that concerned mom? Well, I think there are a number of moms and dads today who are facing similar situations. And I think as a Christian, obviously, we love our children. We want what's best for our children. And we cannot simply ignore what the Bible teaches about homosexuals marrying each other. I mean, it's just not biblical.
There's no question about that. And so I think she's rightly concerned as to what does she do. She certainly will continue to love him, just like God loves us, even when we do wrong. But it's not his pleasure that we are doing wrong. He wants us to repent, and then he forgives us, and we move on down the road with God.
And that's what we want for her son. But obviously, he's largely influenced by the culture in which we live now, which condones this sort of thing, which is contrary to the teachings of Scripture. So in terms of going to the wedding or not, obviously, that's a personal decision. I would not lean toward that.
I would lean toward saying, honey, I love you very much. I just cannot affirm something that I know is not good for you. And so I can't affirm you by being at the wedding that I disagree with.
It's not just me disagreeing with it. It's that I know this is not God's plan. God ordained marriage between a man and a woman, not between two men. But I love you. And if you insist on doing this, I'm still going to love you.
But I can't be there to affirm something that I know is not good for you and not pleasing to God. I hope you understand, honey, how much I love you and how hard this is for me. I think, you know, she takes that approach. He's getting a clear message that she loves him, but she also, and because she loves him, she wants him to walk with God and to obey the teachings of Scripture. It may not change his mind at all, but at least he has affirmation that she loves him and will do anything she can for his benefit, but she cannot affirm something that she does not believe is for his benefit. That's kind of the approach I think that a Christian should take because we are to be loving, but we're speaking the truth in love. True love allows a parent to say, or compels a parent to say, I love you too much to affirm something that I think is not good for you. So it is an act of love, even though it's very difficult on the part of both of them. I'm sure you've gotten that question a lot over the last few years. That's one of the things that people ask you, parents will ask you, and family members, right? Yeah, absolutely, Chris.
Over and over I've heard this. I'm simply sharing my perspective, and each parent has to decide ultimately what they're going to do, but don't think that love affirms something that we know is contrary to Scripture. We can love the person, but we cannot affirm what the Bible says is sinful behavior. Well, before we conclude today, let me give you our number again where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman, respond to something you've heard today, or ask a different question, call 1-866-424-GARY. We would love to hear from you over the summer, and we'll get back to another Dear Gary broadcast coming up in September. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource today, the book by Dr. Chapman and Candy McVicar, Holding on to Love After You've Lost a Baby, "The 5 Love Languages" for grieving parents. Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. And next week, the four habits of joy-filled people. Don't miss our first in a series of summer best of broadcasts. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio, in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.
