Dear Gary | May

She demands too much quality time. I'm at the end of my rope.

I don't know what else to do. We both have children from previous marriages and we're merging families. We did get married, but we're living in separate houses at the moment.

I have a relative whose daughter decided to say that she is now a lesbian. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our May Dear Gary broadcast as we feature your questions for our host.

That's right. Dr. Gary Chapman is in the house and ready for your questions and comments. We have a number you can call if you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question for a future conversation.

That's 1-866-424-GARY. And we have featured resources at our website buildingrelationships.us. "The 5 Love Languages" has been at the top of the bestseller charts for years. We have that linked as well as "The 5 Love Languages" workbook. Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more.

All right. You have to tell us more about this workbook, Gary. People have been asking for this for a long time, haven't they?

Well, you're right, Chris. This workbook is designed for people who want to go deeper than simply reading the book, "The 5 Love Languages" . And it's designed for an individual or for couples or for small group discussion.

In addition to having them read the book chapter by chapter as you work through it, they have the workbook at home which helps them apply what they're reading in the book. So I think it's going to be a tool that a lot of people are going to find very, very helpful. Yeah.

I can't tell you how many people have called through the years and say, is there a workbook for this and how do I do this? And here it is. It's here now, right? Absolutely.

I'm excited about it. And I think, again, I think there are a lot of people who, they're familiar with the Love Language concept, but they would like to dig deeper in it. And particularly counselors who are helping, you know, people work through other issues in their relationships are going to find this book to be helpful as well. You can find out more about that at buildingrelationships.us. We have "The 5 Love Languages" , of course, linked there. But there's also "The 5 Love Languages" workbook.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us. All right. So when we have Dear Gary, we have people call in and I think this is a first. We have Franco who called and then Mariana called. And I'm going to let you hear a little bit of what they both said in their first calls. Here we go. Hi, Gary.

My name is Franco. I am here with my girlfriend Mariana. She's next to me. And last night we had an argument where I felt that her love tank was not full. However, I would like to keep it full, but I encountered a problem, which actually I noticed that in your book you don't explain into detail.

So this is it. Mariana's Love Language is quality time. I know more or less what I need to do to keep her satisfied and keep her tank full. However, I believe that she demands too much quality time. My love language seems to be acts of service.

We're still figuring out. And she complains at home when things don't get done, like washing the dishes, doing laundry, taking care of certain things, errands, etc. She also helps. But I feel like I need to finish it up because otherwise she will feel uncomfortable living in that house that it's not clean, for instance. So I help her as much as I can. Right.

At the end of the night or the day, I end up tired. Hi, Gary. I never complain like he says, just I said to him that I want the things done, but I prefer be with him in a quality time. OK, so there's just a little bit of the two calls that they had that Mariana and then Franco called. And I wanted you to hear that because they got together after that and they said, look, let's do one more and let's do this together.

So here is the situation as both Franco and Mariana were on the same call. So what I want to know is how much is too much of a love language. Right. Let's say that my her love language is affecting my sleep and my work and how tired I am.

But at the same time, I want to make her feel loved. Right. That's my main priority. But I feel that I am not sleeping. Sometimes I sleep five hours, four hours and I don't think that's OK. Helping your family and your dog and you need time. Yeah. I also have my mom, my cousin, my uncle and my dog, and they all depend on me, my dad. Sometimes I think they take a lot of my time, too. And I have to split it in between all these people.

That's why he's tired sometimes because he's trying to help everyone. Yeah. So it seems like my love language is acts of service and her love language is quality time. We still fear now.

And it seems I am also quality time because I complain when she's not paying attention to me, especially when she's on her phone. But nothing. I think we need help. We'll see. Hopefully you get this message. We get to hear it.

Bye bye. Well, Chris, obviously they are struggling in their relationship. And it sounds like he has an awful lot of people who are depending on him and requiring time with him. And he's feeling overwhelmed. I mean, that's that's one of the senses I get as I listen to these conversations and each of them talking about it.

With all of his commitments to extended family, he just feels like he doesn't have time to spend as much time as she wants him to be spending time with her. I'm identifying with it. And I don't know that there's an easy answer to it, to be very honest with you. I think they're being open. They're being honest. They're talking with each other about it. But as he said in the first call, they had an argument about it and that you don't get anywhere with arguments because you're each trying to, you know, say, well, I'm right and you're wrong. And then so, you know, both of you turn out to be shooting each other rather than helping each other.

So I think we have to be realistic. And there are some people who are what I would just say are super, super needy for emotional love. That is, they come out of a background where they didn't feel loved. I'm not saying this is true of you all, but there are people who come out of a background where they didn't feel love growing up. So now they're in a relationship and they they want that person with whom they have the relationship to be for them what they never had in the past.

And sometimes it seems that it's just a person that's not capable of giving them enough time in this case, you know, a quality time. So I would say it might be very helpful if the two of you could find a Christian counselor in your area and let him or her help you all think through this. It does appear to me that he really cares about her.

And apparently she cares about him and they would like for this relationship to go forward. But I think if you don't find a solution to what the problem you're describing, the problem won't go away. And so but if someone can help you dig into where you're coming from, both of you with your past and where you are now, and how do you take positive steps for the future? But that that would take some time. It won't happen overnight. But I do think if you can have a third party, like a Christian counselor or a pastor who does counseling, who can sit with you and help you begin to process this. It sounds like to me your relationship is worth it and you need to find an answer to this. But there's no quick answer is what I'm saying.

I'm empathetic with what you're saying, but there's no quick answer to the problem you're describing. I love that they were on the phone together, too. And maybe that'll be something that our listeners will pick up on. You know, go ahead and call us with both of you there describing what's going on. And that they ended with they kind of giggled, you know, they kind of kind of chuckled together and laughed.

But there was one moment where she reached where she kind of moved in and said, yeah, you know, you've got your mom and you've got your uncle and you got your dog. And it's like he feels and she wasn't accusing there. He feels responsible for everybody. He's taking care of everybody. And no wonder he's tired.

And that's what I heard as well. Yeah, I think you're right, Chris. And we can take on too much responsibility. Of course, he's probably in a situation where he feels like who's going to take care of these people if I don't, you know. And so he feels responsible.

And that's good. I mean, I appreciate his spirit of being responsible for his extended family. But we only have so much time in a day and we can't give it all to one person. You know, even in other situations, most of the time, married couples spend more time apart from each other during a given day in the daylight hours than they do together. If they both are working outside the home or even if one's working outside the home.

So we have to learn how best to use the time that we have. And I think on her part, I would just say, don't pressure him. He obviously feels pressure whether you are trying to do it or maybe not. Maybe you don't sense you're trying to do that.

But I think he does feel pressured. And so just try to be empathetic with him and express appreciation for what he's doing for others as well as what he's trying to do for you. OK, Gary, I just have one more question about Franco and Mariana. And it wasn't clear in the conversation in their call, but you mentioned going to a pastor for counseling. If you go to a pastor for help with the situation that they're facing about, you know, her love tank and he's tired and the pastor discovers, OK, they're living together.

You're not married, but you're you're living like you were married. What would you as a pastor say to that couple? Well, I don't know that I would hit them over the head with it. I would first try to help them see each other, understand each other. But once they began to trust me and recognize that I really deeply care for them as a pastor, I would certainly share with them the biblical perspective on marriage and living together outside of marriage, which is not biblical, to be sure.

No question about that. But I think the pastor would have to earn their trust by spending some time with them and hearing their story, not let that be the first issue. Because that's the temptation of a pastor is to make that the first issue that we respond to. So I think helping them and hearing them and being empathetic with them and then toward the end of that session, bringing that up for something for them to be thinking about and praying about. That's up to Gary Chapman, our next caller here on Dear Gary. Our caller has some problems with her phone line, so I'm going to read her question for you from from a listener in Michigan. Gary, I'm calling regarding spiritual gifts, coordinating, interacting and intermeshing with "The 5 Love Languages" .

And she has evidently been single for a long time. She says, please don't send me gifts, old man, in my future who may come my way. I don't like getting gifts. I've always been uncomfortable with them, but I like giving. And it's always been such a blessing to take from what I have and find ways to give. And it wasn't until I heard somebody call and ask you the question about spiritual gifts on Building Relationships and how they intermeshed with the love languages that I realized in my case, they don't.

They don't. They're not together. And I just wanted to be open to the fact that God might be going to surprise me. Love your program. I've never given up on love. I am happy. God is my main man. You keep on with your program.

You're doing good. Gary, what do you say in response to that? Well, first of all, I think she's chosen the right main man.

OK, God. The other thing I would say is it's not unusual that a person who is giving gifts and they enjoy giving gifts. It's not what they want. You know, I've said that probably 75 percent of the people, the thing they do most freely in serving other people or in loving other people is what they also want to receive. So it's not abnormal what she's describing, that she loves to give gifts, but she doesn't want to receive gifts. That's not what makes her feel loved.

So I hope that helps her just knowing that she's not odd in that sense. Many people fall into that same category. The other thing I would say is, you know, God does call all of us to different types of ministry, and he equips us with different things and strengths and insights and so forth called in the Bible, spiritual gifts. And so we need to recognize that in the Christian family. Not everyone is to be doing exactly the same thing. It's like in the body, we have hands and we have ears and we have eyes and all of them serve a function in the body, physical body. Same thing is true in the Christian church. And so whatever gifts we have, we're just called to use them for God and reach out asking him to direct us and how we can be loving people in his name in a way that's meaningful for them. And God wants to use all of his children and he's gifted all of us in certain ways to share his love with them. That's Dr. Gary Chapman. Our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us is "The 5 Love Languages" , as well as "The 5 Love Languages" Workbook.

Find out more at the website buildingrelationships.us. Next up, Gary is a mom who needs some help with her son who has a diagnosis. I keep hearing from my Bible study leader, you know, just how awful ADHD meds are. And yet I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what else to do. And I need help for my little nine-year-old adopted son. I appreciate prayers and I'd also appreciate your wisdom. Thank you.

Bye. Well, obviously, Christians have different ideas in terms of medications and when to use medications. And let's face it, medications can be helpful in certain situations. On the other hand, medications cannot be helpful in situations. But I don't think as Christians that we write off all use of medication. God has given people wisdom and knowledge in terms of these medications that can be very helpful with various situations.

So I would say two things. The first I assume you've already done and that is talk with the doctor who is recommending these medications and get a clear picture of what the medication is supposed to be helping. And then if you see it helping, fine. But if you've taken it for a while and it's not helping, probably you don't need to keep taking it.

So I would say that. The other thing I would say is to realize that none of us know everything about medications and how they affect the human body. But don't allow those who have the idea that Christians should never take medication. Don't allow them to lead you to the wrong decision. All of us, and certainly you have an adopted child, all of us want for our children, whether they're biological or adopted, what is best for them. And so many children of course have different problems in the process of growing up.

And so if the medication you're taking now is not helping, then either the doctor you're seeing now could prescribe something else or you might want to see another doctor because doctors are human too. You know, I find this really perplexing for an adopted mom, you know, because sometimes the adopted dad, the mom is carrying a lot of the decision making here and then so she feels alone with it there. And then she goes to Bible study and people say, well, you can't do that because for whatever reason, maybe they've had a bad experience with it as well.

You know, it's not just they're against medication. So you have all these things. So I wonder, and she said I would accept your prayer. I wonder if you pray for her just for the wisdom and for anybody else who's trying to make these hard decisions for a son or daughter.

Yeah, sure. Father, you know what we're talking about here and you know this mother and you know this son. And I pray that you'd give her wisdom. And you know for all of us as parents, we struggle, Father, to know sometimes what is the right thing, the best thing to do for our children. So any other mother out there or father that's struggling with a situation and just tossed back and forth and getting messages from different people about different ideas, I pray, Father, you'd give them wisdom. Bring them to people who can really help them and be your instruments in helping them. That's my prayer for this mother and for this son. Amen. You know, I think of the proverbs about the abundance of counselors, you know, that you just don't take one person's opinion and hear one person you hear a lot.

And maybe there are other parents that she can come into contact with who've been down this road and who can help as well. So that's part of that wisdom prayer. And thank you for your call and for the vulnerability that you shared with us right there.

I think it's going to help somebody else. And here's our number if you want to ask Gary a question or respond to our conversation. 1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-GARY. Our next caller has a unique situation about a blended family that hasn't blended yet.

Here's our next caller. My husband and I, we both have children from previous marriages and we're merging families. We've gotten married and there are five children between the ages of 12 and 17 living in our home. I'm really curious to have a conversation and hear a little bit about your thoughts on how to approach merging those families together. We did get married, but we're living in separate houses at the moment because we're just not ready to put them all under one roof yet. And I would love to hear your thoughts on how to go about taking conscious steps towards understanding everyone's love languages and making sure that seven people in one house get their needs met.

We've had three of our five children take the love languages test and both my husband and I have taken them ourselves and then our three teenagers have also taken it. And I'd love to know if you have any plans in the future to have any kind of a platform where the family can share information. So I'll look forward to your feedback. Thanks so much. I appreciate all you do.

I've been a fan for years. Bye-bye. Okay, Chris, what's the name of the book that I wrote with Ron Deal that deals with this very topic? I was thinking about that as I was listening to the question, Building Love Together in Blended Families, "The 5 Love Languages" , and Becoming Step Family Smart with Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal. The reason I want to mention that book because, you know, many times blended families read "The 5 Love Languages" and they have the concept, and this family does, of course, and they've taken the quiz and they say, well, you know, if I'll just speak each of the child's primary love languages a little, we'll just click right off. No, no, it doesn't work that way in a blended family because you don't have that emotional tie, you know, with that person yet.

Let me give you an example. Let's say that one of those children's love language is physical touch. And as the new step parent, you just reach out and hug them and they push you away.

No, no, no, no, no. And you're thinking, wait a minute, I thought this was their love language. Well, it probably is their love language, but they don't know you yet. So we have to incrementally speak that language. For example, you start off with fist bumps and a little pat on the shoulder now and then.

And you kind of work your way up, you know, to the place where you can give a high five. And then you get around to the hugging part as they get to know you and trust you. But it does take some time, even though you understand their primary love language.

It'll take some time for them to connect with you emotionally and receive your love, even though you're expressing it in their primary love language. But I do think you'll find that book helpful because we deal with the normal things that happen in a blended family. And of course, Ron Deal, if you're not familiar with that name, he wrote a book years ago called Smart Step Families, which covers a lot of other issues. And I think you'd find that helpful as well. OK, she mentioned a platform where all of the kids and the parents can kind of be together.

I don't understand platforms like you probably do. But is there anything like that in the works where you can share answers to these types of things? I don't know if Ron Deal has anything like that.

I know that I don't. But you might Google Ron Deal or Smart Step Families and see if he has a program like that. So here's my question. So there are five kids that are going to be in this family between 12 and 17. So there's there's a lot that's going on with that, you know, the mom and the dad trying to help everybody. Is it a good idea for them not to move in together after they've married?

What do you think about that wrinkle in the story? Well, you know, when it's teenagers, they're already going through trauma, teenagers. They're developing physically. They're developing mentally. Their mind is changing. They're beginning to think logically. They sometimes become very responsive to their parents in a negative way, even in a family that's a biological family. So what they're attempting to do is a hard thing to do.

And so I think they have to recognize that. I don't know, however, how you can make progress if you don't spend a considerable amount of time together, because it's just it's just hard if you're not interfacing with each other to build that emotional connection that that's deeply needed in a family like that. So there's not an easy answer to to that question, whether it is easier to do it living apart or living in the same house.

Obviously, you know, we think of families living in the same house. But if it's going to be a fight every day between, you know, this this child and that child, it's hard to live in a war zone. But I do think the parents need to be empathetic and realize that these teenagers are going through the normal changes that teenagers are going through. Plus, they're going through the fact that, you know, here's a mother, here's a daddy.

I don't know. You know, and and they're still hurting over the pain of what has happened in the past. So it's a very difficult situation. What I'm hearing is they want to be sensitive to the kids. And I guess my question is, at what point will you know it's OK to take the next step and to move together, you know, and is it commensurate on the kids reaction? And that gives them a certain amount of power. You know, it's a really complex thing, isn't it?

It is indeed, Chris. Are you going to allow teenagers to make the decision for you? We don't do that in a biological family. We don't let the teenagers have the final word. But I understand the parents are trying to be empathetic, you know, with the struggle the teenagers are going through. And I think they do need counseling.

So if they can't find an online platform, I would say if the whole family can go in for counseling, that's probably the most helpful thing that you could do. Gary, they said I do to each other twice. Here's our next caller's situation.

Hi, Gary. My husband has already submitted the papers for us. He is a person that doesn't know how to commit. This is our second marriage together. He divorced me last time as well. I was living with him then with my five-year-old son. And then we remarried a year later. And this time around, I didn't move in with him because there were so many uncertainties that he would actually commit. But now he has presented with divorce papers, and I don't know if there's any way to give him the help he needs to learn to commit. And he's a Christian man, so he says. But his ways aren't very Christian. He has said some lies on this matter.

I would really appreciate it. Thank you. What I'm hearing her say, Chris, is that they were married, they divorced, and then a year later they remarried, but she did not move in with him. And now he's divorcing her again. And she didn't move in with him because she was uncertain as to whether he would be committed to her the second time when he wasn't committed to her the first time. That's a very confusing situation because typically when people marry, they do move in together.

We just discussed a couple that are not living together even though they're married in a second marriage. But I think in this situation, what I would encourage her to do is to talk with a pastor or counselor, somebody in her area that she trusts that can help her think through this. Now obviously she cannot keep him from getting a divorce. If that's what he chooses to do, then she can't keep him from doing that. If there's any hope for this marriage, it would be counseling.

I don't mean seeing a counselor one time. I mean seeing a counselor over a period of time while they're working on their relationship. And obviously that hasn't happened in this situation because when they got married the second time, she didn't even move in with him. Which shows that she lacked trust in him and she thought he lacked commitment to the relationship. So it's a very tenuous situation there and I doubt that there's any hope at all unless they're both willing to go for counseling and let someone walk with them through the changes that need to be made. I wonder why he got married again to her.

We don't know any of the answers to that. Have you seen this in your counseling and the people that you've worked with through the years? Do second marriages to the same person work?

They can, Chris. It all depends, however, if they've gotten some help between the first divorce and the second remarriage. If they just simply move back in because, well, we were married and it didn't work out well, but let's try it again. And they haven't dealt with the issues that led to the divorce in the first place.

It's not likely to go well. But if they have had counseling after that first divorce and both of them have come to understand themselves better, understand each other better and learn how to work together as a team and how to work through conflicts without arguing and learn how to speak each other's love language. Yes, a second marriage to the same person can be very different the second time, but if there's nothing that's been done to work on understanding each other and building what we would call a healthy marriage, it's not likely to work the second time even better than it did the first time. We've talked with some of the people who've gone through this and every time the folks that we've talked with or that I know personally who've had this happen, there has been some kind of an awakening, some kind of a spiritual awakening where they come to themselves like the prodigal son, you know, came to himself and went back and his dad embraced him. They came to themselves and there was this inner transformation that caused them to look at marriage differently, look at their spouse differently.

It almost sounds like it has to have that kind of component in order for it to really work. Do you agree with that? Well, I think you're right, Chris. I think our relationship with God, and I'm not talking about just being a Christian, I'm talking about having a close relationship with God and letting him impact and change our lives and our perceptions of life, make a huge difference in a marriage. So that's why I think if that sort of thing has happened, then yes, there's hope. God can bring that second marriage into something you never dreamed how wonderful it could be. When both of you are yielded to him, trusting him to give you wisdom on how to work together as a team and how to enrich each other's lives, you know, God can take brokenness and make something beautiful out of it. Which kind of happened in your own, you know, you and Carolyn weren't married twice, but there was a point in your marriage where you were ready to give up and you felt like God was, he broke you in a way, didn't he? Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. It's when I came to realize that my attitude had been, you know, look, I know how to have a good marriage. If you'll listen to me, we can have one. When I said to God, you know, I don't know what else to do, then as I said earlier, as I've said many times, the picture that came to my mind was Jesus on his knees, washing the feet of his disciples. And I heard God say to me, that's the problem in your marriage.

You do not have the attitude of Christ. And that's when I said, oh God, forgive me, you know, and give me that attitude. And when I started with that attitude, you know, how can I help you, honey? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband? And she started telling me and I started doing those things, man, she turned around and she started responding to me with the same attitude.

So yeah, that can be radical change when we allow God to work in our hearts and give us the attitude of Christ toward our spouse. Well, we always hope this conversation brings you a little bit of hope, whatever your situation is, whether you're single or married, whether you're divorced and looking again at that same spouse, whatever your situation is, you'll find some really good information about your relationships and how to foster them at the website buildingrelationships.us, buildingrelationships.us. Or you can call our phone number and leave a question for Dr. Chapman. We'd love to hear from you.

1-866-424-GARY, 866-424-GARY. Now this next question has come in in a lot of different ways many times through the years about your availability. Here's our next caller. I just got done reading your book, The Five Loved Languages, and I wanted to know if you were still offering counseling services and what the costs were and those kind of details. Thank you so much. I look forward to your call. Bye-bye. Well, I appreciate the caller asking this. You know, I for over 50 years did long-term counseling, and I am not doing that anymore.

At my age, I'm just not investing my time in that way. There are many, many Christian counselors in the world today, and particularly in our country. And they're almost in any city. You can call Focus on the Family, for example. They can help you connect to Christian counselors in your area or call churches in your area. Most pastors know who the Christian counselors are, so counselors are available, even though I'm not involved in that particular aspect of ministry at this juncture in my life. There's also the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can find them online at aacc.net. But I'm really glad that you called with that question, because I can't tell you how many people have called and said, Dr. Chapman, would you counsel us?

Focus on the Family is a great resource, as well as aacc.net. Gary, here's an honest question about dating from someone who has relational struggles in their past. Hi, Gary. I'm interested in knowing whether or not someone who has been divorced more than once is someone I should consider as a partner when I've never been married before, and we're both in our 60s. There was some infidelity in two of his marriages. The adultery was on the part of the wife, not my friend. And I'm just getting to know this fellow from college days.

We knew each other then, but now we connected. And I'm just curious as to what your response is. Thank you again for your ministry. God bless.

Bye-bye. Well, I think you're wise to be asking that question. And obviously, I don't know the individual. But I think a person who's been divorced twice already, obviously, there's a red flag waving. And I think the more you could find out about the nature of those two marriages. Now, you mentioned one of them that his wife was unfaithful to him.

I don't know what the other one was. But it's always two people in a relationship when it comes to a divorce typically. It's not just that one person is 100% wrong, you know, the other person was fine. So I think you're wise to be asking that question. And I can't say yea or nay, you should or should not. I just think it is certainly a red flag waving.

Be careful here. Because if he's gone through two divorces, and you're 60 years of age, he's probably fixed in his ways. And maybe those ways are positive from your perspective.

I don't know. I've sometimes said it would be a good idea if you could talk to his past wives. But that normally doesn't work out all that well, because they probably don't want to talk to you. But at any rate, I would say, you certainly if you get serious about the relationship, you certainly ought to do premarital counseling. I mean, really, someone can help you dig into the whole issues of, you know, what marriage and why marriages fail. And in this particular case, why his two marriages fail.

Because if you don't deal with the issues, and you know, fully talk your way through those things, we tend to repeat past experiences. Is there a red flag in a conversation with him? When you're kind of probing, and you're asking you to tell me a little bit more about that? If he says, I'm an open book, you ask any question, and he goes on to answer the question, I'd say that would be a good thing.

If he says, you know what, that's so painful, I don't want to talk about it, and he just shuts it down. Is that a red flag? That is a red flag. Because it means he's not emotionally ready to be vulnerable and open and honest about the details of the relationship. It's always a red flag.

Or if she says, I know about her infidelity, was there anything on your part that, you know, what was your part in this that caused the relationship to break apart, either one or the other marriage? Is there a red flag in his response to that question? Yeah, I think anytime the person is unwilling to answer a question, or just answers it with a surface answer without really trying to be digging into the emotions that were involved and the actions that were involved, it raises a red flag.

Now, here's the other thing. I don't want to just harp on one question, but this is really interesting to me. At her age and his age as well, what are the other people in her life saying about this? And are there other people who are saying, I don't know, you know, is that person in a community of people who can give really good advice about this, or is she kind of isolated and doesn't have, you know, those friends or family members who can come along and say, hey, have you have you asked him about this? I think that's really important.

What do you think? Oh, I do think it's important. And I think also, to find out some people who know him in the past. You know, people that were close to him in the past, whether people he worked with or people if he was in a church, people that was in the church, but people who knew him in the past, because they have a perception of him. And it would be good for you to have that perception.

Yeah. Well, short of getting a private investigator, we're not asking you to do that. I have the same kind of feeling that you did, Gary, with this question. So if you go to the website buildingrelationships.us, you'll see "The 5 Love Languages" , that might be something they can go together, read together and go through, or the workbook, "The 5 Love Languages" workbook. Find a link at buildingrelationships.us. All right, our final call is from a friend of a parent who needs some help in knowing how to love her adult child well.

Hi, Dr. Chapman and God bless you. So I have a relative whose daughter decided to say that she is now a lesbian. She's 19, had a baby when she was 18, I would not. The mother supports her and the baby, but that her daughter wants to impose her new identity, quote unquote, and her new sexual preference on her mother in the household. So the mother being a woman of a Christ follower, a Christian woman, is trying to press her authority and say, not in my house, not in my house. And when she uses that language, this is my house, these are my rules, and I am not accepting that conduct.

They have created tremendous fabric and division, and even a lot of discussion in their relationship. And what can a mother say to her? She supports her and the body wants to do what she wants. Thank you so much.

God bless you. I think it's always heartbreaking for parents when a child announces to the parents that they are a lesbian or homosexual or whatever else in that whole neighborhood, which is so overtly on the news today. I do think that as parents, we love our children, even when they make poor decisions. And by love, I mean that we genuinely care for their well being. And love doesn't mean that you just accept everything they do and not express the truth. God speaks the truth to us and to his children. He doesn't desert us.

He's always ready, holds his arms open ready for us to come home when the prodigal son walks away from God. What she's saying, I fully understand. I think she is in the role as the parent to make decisions and to say to that daughter, in this case, I love you too much to affirm what you're saying and what you're doing. I cannot just affirm that and allow you to stay here and bring in your new relationships with other women here in the house. I just love you too much to do that. So it needs to be an expression of love, not an expression of rejection. You're not rejecting her. You're just saying I love you too much to encourage something that I know is detrimental for you. To me, that is the approach to make.

And yes, the daughter likely will not take that well, to be sure. But we don't help someone by fostering a lifestyle that is non-biblical as Christians. So I think we can't foster the relationship, but we can love them. We can care for them.

We can, in this case, the daughter, which is the granddaughter of this mother, we can give that grandchild gifts and Christmas parties and all the other things that grandparents do. But we cannot encourage what we believe to be unbiblical behavior. So it's what is typically called tough love. I love you too much to do something that I think is detrimental for you. Because the young person is going to say, you can't say that you love me and reject my identity. This is who I am and you're rejecting me.

So I think you're right. They're going to see that as a rejection of them as a person. But you're saying you can stand your ground as far as this issue on biblical grounds. You can stand your ground and still not reject and still love, right? Absolutely, Chris. It may not come across that way to the individual.

It likely will not. But your heart has to be, God, I know you love me even when I do wrong. But I also know when I do wrong, you're going to discipline me. God does discipline his children. In fact, if you do wrong and aren't disciplined by God, you don't belong to God.

He loves you too much to let you just walk away from him and do horrible things that are going to be negative on your life. God disciplines us and chastens us to bring us back into the family. And I think as parents, we have to do the same.

Well, that's our conversation for today. Thank you for joining us and for telling others about Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. And if you would like to add your voice, respond to a call perhaps from today or ask Gary a question about the love languages or relationships or dating, make a comment.

Call us at 1-866-424-GARY, 1-866-424-GARY. And if you go to our website, you'll see our featured resources, "The 5 Love Languages" and "The 5 Love Languages" workbook. Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. And next week, what might happen if your heart was fully immersed in mercy? Would that change the way you live and love? Craig Allen Cooper says yes, and you'll find out why in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry at Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.