Parent Differently | Kathy Koch

There's so many people who tell me, I wish my kids came with an instruction manual.

And I'm like, they do. It's called the Bible, you know? And it's not going to tell you, you know, which college your kid is going to go to or what career they should have, but there's a whole lot of wisdom in the scripture, Old and New Testament, that can help us raise up our kids. And I wanted to point parents to that reality. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, author and speaker, Dr. Kathy Cook wants to help you parent differently. She believes the outcome could be a drastic change in the culture.

Let's find out if she's right. The topic today is how to raise kids who embrace biblical character, not only teaching that to them, but letting them catch it from mom and dad. If you go to our website, you'll see our featured resource there, Dr. Cook's latest book, Parent Differently, go to buildingrelationships.us. And it strikes me, Gary, that you and Carolyn tried to parent this way, and you caught a lot of positive modeling from your own parents.

Is that true? I did, Chris. My mom and dad were both Christians. Dad was not a Christian, actually, when he married my mom.

But two years later, he became a real follower of Jesus. So I grew up in a Christian home, and it made a tremendous difference in my life. You know, I am so grateful as I look back upon the years that I spent at home. And I remember when my mom got older, of course, she was fighting with dementia for a good long while, and I had sitters with her around the clock. And one day she said to me, she said, you know, I'm afraid you're going to run out of money paying all these sitters. I said, well, mom, maybe I will. But look at it this way, for 18, 17 years, because I was 17 when I went off to college, I said, for 17 years, you did everything for me. I said, so I've only done this for about eight years.

I got about how many more years to go. So yeah, this is an exciting topic today, and I'm glad that we're going to be discussing it. Well, if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource by Dr. Cook, Parent Differently, Raise Kids with Biblical Character that Changes Culture. Dr. Kathy Cook is founder and president of Celebrate Kids Incorporated based in Fort Worth, Texas. She's written a number of bestsellers, seven, I believe, of parent and child enrichment books, such as Screens and Teens, Eight Great Smarts, and Resilient Kids. We've talked about them here. She earned a PhD in reading and educational psychology from Purdue University.

Go Boilermakers. You can find out more about Parent Differently at buildingrelationships.us. Well, Dr. Cook, welcome back to Building Relationships. Thank you so much. I'm really, really happy to be here. Before we jump into today's topic, can you tell our listeners more about yourself and why you've dedicated your life to the work you're doing with children and their parents?

Yeah, I'd love to. So I'm the founder of Celebrate Kids. I live in Fort Worth, Texas. Moved here to start the ministry from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Grew up in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin, area. Great parents, an older brother, raised in church, not by Christians.

My parents came to faith in Christ very late in life. But I was a celebrated kid, Gary. Both Dave and I were celebrated. We were paid attention to. We were wanted.

We knew that. We were liked and loved. And so my ministry comes out of the success that I had as a child. And I want other children to have that. Some people have ministries that are founded on brokenness, and that's fine, where they want to repair damage, and they want to give people what they never had. My story is that I was celebrated, and I want other parents to do what my parents did.

Yeah, that's great. Well, this lady's title, Parent Differently, it's about teaching biblical character. What prompted you to tackle this topic? Thanks for asking that question.

You know, you and I both have this in common, Gary. I want children to fulfill the purpose that they've been given. When God chose to create them, he gave them gifts.

We know that from Ephesians 2.10. He had a purpose and a vision for their lives. And without biblical character, children can't fulfill what they were created to do, because negative character doesn't give us influence or impact. So that was one reason. I also know that so many parents are frustrated today with disobedient kids.

They're yelling, they're telling, they're throwing their hands up, they're fatigued, they're tired of the tech, so it's messy. And I believe that if we pay more attention to character than obedience, we'll make more of a life change for our children. And then the third reason is the whole idea of biblical character. There's so many people who tell me, I wish my kids came with an instruction manual.

And I'm like, they do. It's called the Bible. And the Bible is super practical. It's not going to tell you which college your kid is going to go to or what career they should have or whether you should breastfeed or not. No, but there's a whole lot of wisdom in the scripture, Old and New Testament, that can help us raise up our kids.

And I wanted to point parents to that reality. Yeah. But when you talk about biblical character, what are you talking about specifically? Yeah, I appreciate that because you notice it's not Christ-like character. A lot of people talk about Christ-like character. And of course, becoming like Christ is the call to the believer. Certainly, that's why we follow him. But children have said to me, but Dr. Cathy, Jesus is perfect. I can't be like Jesus. So it's a little bit off-putting potentially without the kind of explanation that it would take a while to elaborate. And so the reason I went with biblical is part of that.

That's one of the reasons. The other major reason, though, is I want our children, I want us and our kids to not just live as Jesus Christ lived his life, but I want us to also live according to God's ways and God's will. And there's a whole lot in the Old Testament and a whole lot in the New Testament, not specifically related to Jesus Christ, that it is about character, including other Bible heroes, including the fruit of the Spirit and the one and others of the New Testament and the Beatitudes. And so much wisdom in the Psalms about how it would be wise for us to live out our lives. And that's what I would love for parents to impress upon their kids.

Yeah. Now, Chris mentioned the whole concept of parents modeling this kind of lifestyle for children. How important is that for the child, you know, to catch this from their parents' lives? Yeah, it's so important, right?

Like, what are the adjectives that we could use? Like, super important. Integrity matters. And children at a very young age are going to be able to figure, children at a very young age will figure out if their parents' talk is matching their walk. And when it doesn't, of course, they become confused and even angry. And when children are angry, they don't behave as well as you would like.

So that's a real issue. What I would love to recommend parents do is talk more out loud about what they are modeling. Don't assume that just because you model kindness, patience, goodness or generosity, that your children will automatically wake up one day and become those things. It's not necessarily true. I believe that much is taught and much is caught.

And when we combine the two, it's really profitable. So as an example, talk out loud about why you made the decision you made. Why were you generous in that situation? Your kids were there. They watched you do what you did.

Why did you do it? Talk out loud because it's the reason, it's the why behind the what, right? It's the why behind the behavior that's going to motivate your children to be able to pick up on that because they honor you and they want to believe that you're making a wise choice. And now they're going to be more capable of doing that. I hope that makes sense.

Yeah, I think it does. And the other factor is this. You mentioned earlier, of course, children aren't perfect.

Jesus was perfect. Parents aren't perfect. So what would you say to the parent who realizes they're not perfect and they fail from time to time?

How do they deal with that? Yeah, well, welcome to the world, right? You know, the sin nature is real. And, you know, parents today are overwhelmed and frustrated and tired and distracted.

And there's just so much, right, that's going on. So first of all, don't panic when mistakes occur, when you even intentionally do something that's less than God glorifying. Like, we all understand that. That's why we're here.

You know, we're here to help you. And what I know to be true, and I think you agree, Dr. Tappan, that when we're not perfect and we admit that, we actually gain authority. Our vulnerability and our transparency shows children that we are still learning. And now they're not as panicked when they admit that they're struggling.

They think, oh, daddy might understand if I admit that I cheated because he's admitted to me that he kind of sometimes struggles with stuff. I think it's very essential that we admit, age appropriately, right, developmentally appropriately, what it is that's going on in our world. Yeah. And then so we're modeling the whole concept of confessing our sins, right? True, true. Yeah, yeah. Is it ever too early or too late to teach biblical character?

It's not. Certainly the earlier the better, because then you have fewer bad habits to break. I used to coach girls, fifth and sixth graders, in basketball. And I loved that because they came in with very few skills. So I didn't have to break bad habits that I didn't like that another coach had instilled in them. I was able to start them off from a really naive position and teach them the way that I wanted my athletes and my team to perform, if you will.

So the same thing is true here with characters. Start young. Talk about it young. Demonstrate it young. Have them act it out when they're young. Now, if you're listening and your kids are older, you're thinking, oh, I've got to do a U-turn.

Yes, and you can do that. And it's never too late. This is where you say to the oldest kid, you're our guinea pig. You've known your whole life.

You're our guinea pig. And we've learned some new things. We listened to a great radio show.

We've read a great book. We've learned some new things. And we apologize for the mistakes we've made. And we're asking you to give us a fresh start. And let's try again in this way. I think the earlier the better.

The apology may be necessary if your kids are older. And you know why I know it's never too late? Because my character has been influenced by even writing this book. You know, you know, Dr. Chapman, that writing is like writing a book is no joke because I'm confronted with, OK, if I put that in this book, you know, then hello, then hello, integrity. I'm going to have to act it out. So I know that it's never too late to be affected.

Praise God. Absolutely. Dr. Cook, you say there are ways to determine if a child's character is mature. What are you looking for in determining that?

I'm glad you asked that because this is important to me that parents keep teaching, you know, don't tell and yell, but teach for maturity, teach for growth and look for that. There's three things that I believe are most important. One would be, is a child's character complete? So, as you know, in the book, I list 48 character qualities. One of my books has 120 character qualities, but I listed 48 in this book and I didn't want to overwhelm people. And there's a reason that I cut back on the list. So of the 48, as an example, how many are my children able to use?

So that's complete. The second factor that's super important is consistent. How consistently do my kids use the quality? Like if you notice that your child is capable of being kind, is she always kind or is she only kind to people she likes? OK, that's inconsistent and she's got a belief system that's getting in the way there.

And then the third thing that I think is so valuable to look for is automatic. How automatically do they use the character qualities? Because wouldn't it be great if at one point we don't have to tell them to be kind?

You know, wouldn't it be great if there's a day coming when we don't have to say, oh, please be patient? No. So are they able to use the quality? How complete is their character? And then how consistently do they use the qualities?

And then how automatically are children able to use them? And if you find out that a child is automatically using the quality, like, praise God, and then every once in a while affirm them. Don't ignore it. Every once in a while affirm them, but you're not going to have to nag at them.

And that's going to be such a refreshing feeling. Yeah, yeah. Would you say that some of these character qualities are more important than others? I would. So, yeah, thanks for asking that.

I don't want people thinking 48. I could never do that. And yes, you can.

You actually can do it. Many of the qualities you and your children are already exhibiting, I think you'll be encouraged by that. But I did come up with the Baker's dozen 13, the top 13 that I think are significant.

And from that, there's a top three or four that I can quickly mention. The first one is gratitude. Gratitude is a parent virtue. There's evidence both in scripture and in research that people who are grateful develop many other qualities, compassion, and patience, and generosity, and optimism, and joy, and an inner peace, and more. So gratitude is significant. Also, gratitude is evidence of spiritual maturity, and it also creates a spiritual maturity. So when we talk to our kids about how much we have to be grateful for, gratitude can't just be one week a year or one day a year. We can't just be grateful the month of December to try to get more stuff.

If I say thank you to grandma, maybe she'll give me more stuff. No, gratitude should be who we are and not something that we do. So that's number one. And then joy is number two. And not circumstantial happiness, but a real internal joy, of course, for the believer that is found in our relationship with Jesus Christ.

So is a child able to exhibit a dynamic, growing, life-giving relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we joyful? And joyful and gratitude are like, what are they, cousins or siblings or maybe even a married couple?

They're so close. The research and, again, the scripture would say that grateful people are joyful, joyful people are grateful. I prioritize those two because of what it does to the environment in the home and to the heart of the child. The third one is self-efficacy. And to people who have never heard that word, don't panic. It's an unusual character quality, but it's so important. Self-efficacy simply means that I believe I can be effective.

Not effective meaning that I'm independent from my parents, but effective meaning that I can do what my parents asked me to do. So when you say to your child, please empty the dishwasher or go help your sister get ready for bed, your child doesn't freak out and go, I can't do that. I'm only seven. No, you've trained your seven-year-old how to help the three-year-old. And when you say, hey, would you go help Elizabeth?

She's like, sure. Like, wouldn't that be great if they're just like, okay, mom, no problem. They still might complain sometimes. But kids who have self-efficacy believe in themselves and believe that they're capable of doing what they've been asked to do.

So you have less complaining, you have less arguing and those kinds of things. And there's interesting research that suggests that these three are foundational to first-time obedience. So that's why they're the top three in the book, not just because the Bible would proclaim the relevance of these three. But if you want your children to be obedient, like I could have sold more copies of the book if I would have called it, you know, raise obedient kids. But, you know, it's not about sales, obviously. And I'm not going to do that because what we know is that when a character is changed, the heart is changed, and now they'll be well and do well even when no one's looking. And that's what, of course, we want. So I'll leave it at that. There's more, but those are the top three that I write about.

Yeah, yeah. How are children's beliefs connected to their character choices? I love that. So we teach at the ministry that beliefs cause behavior. And this isn't my rocket science. Like this is just true that what we believe causes us to do what we do. So beliefs are not hidden. Let me say, Dr. Chapman, that the fourth character quality, the fourth in my list of 13, is self-respect. And I'll throw that out there because if children do not respect themselves, nothing matters. If children do not believe that they are children of worth, they don't have to be good at anything. If children don't believe that God created them with good gifts and that they have a purpose yet to be discovered, just like Esther did, if they don't believe that about themselves, then they don't have to have healthy character, biblical character, Christ-like character, obedience or anything else. So that belief that I matter transforms everything.

And then there's so many other examples. Like if I believe my mom is mean, then I'm not going to listen to her with the heart to obey. If I believe my sister is preferred over me, I will be quickly jealous, quickly angry, quickly bitter. I will resent.

I will not submit. It's going to be a mess. So beliefs are under the surface but have to be dealt with in order for children and adults to make significant change that lasts. So how do you deal with those beliefs that we as parents recognize are not positive beliefs, are not true beliefs? Just the examples that you just mentioned, how does a parent deal with it?

Well, if you're able to discover it, praise God, certainly you look for patterns. Kids are old enough, talk to them. If you say to a kid, why did you just do that? Many of them will look at you like, I don't know, I just did it. Just like adults, all that's going to tell, why did you just cut in line? And they look at me like, oh, did I do that wrong?

Was that wrong? We're so patterns, right? And we're so selfish and arrogant at times.

I think those are huge issues. So I would observe for patterns because that will often indicate, oh, it's always when the sister's in the room or it's always during math or it's always on Sunday mornings. So they're stressed about church.

I wonder why they're always angry on Sunday mornings. So look for patterns. And then you talk to the kids, but you talk to them in a respectful way, one-on-one, not with the siblings present. And Jonathan, we're sad, we're concerned for some choices that you've been making. And we've been noticing that often you're critical and irritable when your older brother's in the room. So we're guessing there's something going on between you and your brother.

We want to hear your heart. So could you share with us what's going on? So I think we ask a really heartfelt question and then we're silent and we wait.

And you know what, you know, you know this, Dr. Chapman, they often won't in the moment answer your question, but they'll come back 20 minutes or two hours later. Hey, dad. Hey, mom.

I've been thinking. And it just it honors them that you care about what's going on. And I love that kids discover that they're not bad kids. They're not bad kids. They're not 24-7, 365 behaving badly in that way.

There's something triggering the response. And it's sin, you know, and they need to know that there is some control that they can bring to that issue. Yeah. How is character connected to family values?

Right. I hope that parents have thought about what they value. And I hope that they recognize that there's a family value.

You know, God ordains the family before he ordains the church. And why are we parenting these children? Why are we married? And why are we parenting these children, whether that be through birth, adoption or fostering? What about the grandparents?

Why am I invested in these kids? So there is a reason you are a family. And character is what allows us to make an impact. Character is what allows us to discover our gifts and use them for God's glory.

So that's how we pass on and maintain the family values. I think it's essential just without character. We're nothing. Character is our reputation. Character marks us. Character is the firm foundation of our decision making.

Character is how we're known. And so if you have a family value of generosity, moms and dads, let's say that you give to pregnancy resource centers, you give to prevent abortion, you give to the homeless or the hungry or to end trafficking, you do more than tithing to your local church, you give to the building plan. Do your kids know that?

And why do you make those decisions? You talk about it and you talk about how you've chosen to be generous. Maybe your parents were generous and you learned it from them. And now you're hoping your kids are going to learn to be generous in times of plenty and in times of want.

You talk about it, you demonstrate it, you use the scripture to show them that this is God's choice, that we would behave in these ways. It's not simple, but it's very doable. Yeah. I'm glad you mentioned generosity because yeah, I think there are a lot of parents who are generous, you know, they support various mission causes and other things, but they don't really inform their children about what they're doing. I don't know whether they think they're too young or, but really we ought to let them in on what we're doing, right?

Absolutely. I love asking children of all ages, what are some problems you would like to help solve? And then we help them give to those causes. There's a family in my own church that they ask the questions of their children every once in a while, and unbeknownst to them, one of their sons was in a public school with a foster child. There was a foster kid in his class and he noticed that that boy always wore the same sweater.

So when it was time for him to clean out his closet, he said to his mom, hey, could I see if Kevin could wear these clothes? And so that mom contacted the teacher to ask permission to contact the parent to see if that was okay. And now that family, because of that little boy and one friend, that family now does respite care one Friday night a month for parents of foster kids so that they take care of the kids in the church so the parents can go have a date night. So that is a way that that family is generously serving with their time and their talent because of a little boy who is invited to think about what he cares about. And then the other issue I would say, Gary, now that there's so much online giving, kids don't even see their parents put money in an offering, but they're going to put money in an offering plate. And if they don't have access to a bank account, they don't know that we give to this college roommate who's now a missionary in India. Like they need to know those kinds of things because it enlarges their understanding of who we are. Yeah, I think what you're saying is really important for our kids, but it's also important for us, Dr. Cook, because we've become so used to the direct debit from the account that we forget, we forget unless we get an email from Compassion or whomever we're supporting, unless you get that reminder, oh yeah, that's right, my child's name and whatever country, we need to remember what it is we're doing and then evaluate if we can even do more in different areas, don't you think?

I love that. In fact, I resisted the automatic debit from my checking account for contributions for the longest time for fear that I would stop praying. Because when I made out the check and put it in the envelope and mailed it, at least that one day a month I prayed for that cause. And yet I discovered that if I care enough about a cause, the Holy Spirit doesn't have to do a lot of work to remind me to pray. But yeah, we do need to be thinking, issues are different and are people using the money well? Let's look at the research about giving and how much of it goes to administration versus real ministry. There are questions we can be asking and why not sit at the dining room table and show our kids how we think that through, how we pray that through and why we do what we do.

I agree. I think it's so important that we have let the children be a part of that part of our lives. And I don't know why many parents have not done that and they don't have that concept for some reason. But if the children are going to grow up to have generosity and a heart of generosity, they're far more likely to do so if they've seen what their parents have done in this area.

And if they've seen the benefit of what their parents have done. So again, to talk out loud about the cause-effect nature of what we're doing, the people listening don't know that generosity is actually the 13th of the baker's dozen qualities. I wanted an even dozen because it's just nice, right? And I couldn't fight the fact though that generosity had to be on the list. I was stunned when I did the research of how generosity causes so many other beautiful qualities, service, compassion, gratefulness, and so many other things. So generosity is not just, again, money.

It's time, talent, resources, and then of course the money is part of the resource. I think the answer to your question, Gary, of why don't parents do this, there is a certain sense of, well, if I tell my kids all of this, it'll feel like tooting our own horn or my own horn as parents and we want to be humble. And so we don't want to boast about all the things, all the money that we're giving.

But I agree with you that if they're kept in the dark about this, or even kept in the dark about the monthly budget, about how much it costs for this, not to overburden them with it, but they're a part of a team that is working in a family system together. I think there's a humility angle to that not letting them in that we need to get over. Yeah, yeah. That may be true, Chris.

That may be true, but I do think we need to get over it, okay? All right. I love it. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find more simple ways to strengthen your relationships at buildingrelationships.us. Our featured resource today is the book by Dr. Kathy Cook, Parent Differently.

Find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Dr. Cook, how can parents better understand what determines their children's choices? First, I would say we need to think more about what determines our choices.

When we become more aware of why we behave the way we behave, we can better predict why our children might be doing what they're doing, and we'll begin to see the relationship between beliefs, the choices, and the outcome. Then the other thing that we do is we observe better. We hang out. We put our phones down. We look with an intensity. We listen with an intensity to understand, not to judge, but to understand.

Then we try to get under the surface, right? Was it jealousy? I've decided, by the way, in my work that jealousy is just huge in the home. Sibling rivalry, disagreements with parents, so much of it is jealousy. There might be in your kids just three or four things they can't get over, the thorn in the side, if you will, the sin temptation that is really, really hard for them.

Look for the pattern. Look for some consistency, and then talk about it. Talk about it is something, again, that I think sometimes parents draw back from, but the reality is, if we don't discuss these things with the kids, we don't have any influence if we're not talking about it, right? They can't read our minds.

Amen. I was just about to say that they can observe, but they can't interpret it. So they can observe what we're doing, maybe, if they care enough about us, and that's a big if in some families, sadly, but they can't interpret what was going on in us that caused us to do what we did the way that we did it, so we do have to talk. I think you earn that right when you listen to them, and you earn that right when you don't lecture. We're not talking about a long lecture. We're talking about sound bites and say, hey, Billy, did you notice what I did? Let me tell you why.

Our neighbor just had knee surgery. I'm not sure you knew that, so that's why I went and raked leaves. He didn't ask me to. He didn't have to ask me to. I knew that it was a loving thing to do, and I had time, and it was fun.

I loved the fresh air. No problem. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's no question that decision-making is a huge part of a child's maturing, and all of us as parents are concerned about whether our children make wise decisions. How can parents help their children feel safe enough to talk about or ask help in terms of making decisions? Because I've run into a lot of parents who say, I don't want to tell them everything they should do, and I don't want to force them to make decisions that are not their decisions.

That's a worthy goal. We want them to learn how to make wise decisions for themselves, but what light can you shed on that topic? Right, so important. One of the hard things for parents is to let kids make foolish decisions and suffer the consequences of their foolishness. Now, I'm not saying let them run out into the road. Obviously, you'll stop, but when you see that your child has forgotten the lunch, he walked right by it, and it's a red lunchbox.

It should not be hard to see, and it's right on the breakfast bar, but he walked right past it. Don't always rescue him and say, hey, get your lunch. Sometimes let him suffer the consequences of his inattentive choice, right? And then another thing that we do, again, I think we admit our struggles. We admit that we made decisions that were not wise, and that gives our kids a chance to find out how do we know it was unwise and what were the consequences and what are we going to do differently the next time.

And basically, to be present and available. Kids tell me all the time, I'm not going to go talk to my mom if her phone's in the hand. If she has her phone, as soon as it buzzes or bings or tings or rings, she's gone. And so, Dr. Kathy, I'm not going to have a hard conversation and have to start it over. So if you want your kids to come to you and say, you know, I found out this kid was gossiping about me and mommy, I don't know what to do. Your daughter's not going to come to you and ask for help in that.

If she feels that you won't understand that you won't have compassion and that you won't be available too long enough to problem solve. And yeah, we could talk all day about it. It's so important. Yeah, I mean, the whole thing about the phone and interrupting your conversation with a child because your phone rang. I mean, it's just commonplace in so many families, you know, and they fail to recognize that what they're communicating is somebody out there that you don't know is more important than you are, you know?

Oh, man. Exactly. Use voicemail. Let it go. Yeah, no, it's very hurtful. And children tell us that they're not able to say that to mom. They're not able to say, mom, like they're afraid to say, I was hurt when you answered the phone. I know voicemail. And if they don't want to leave a message, then tough. And there's texting.

No. And I've actually started recommending that parents put their phone in airplane mode. You know, if you've never flown, you don't know what that is. But airplane mode, you won't get you won't get any vibration at all. You won't have any clue that anything is going on.

If your phone is on silent, you can still realize that something just happened and you glance over it. And as soon as you do that, your sons and daughters are thinking, yeah, she doesn't really care. And that's not what you mean to communicate.

No parent means to communicate that. But it's the child's perception that is what's so rich and important here. Now, you write that character traits are connected. That is, various character traits are connected. And that understanding this is a key to teaching character traits. Can you explain that a bit?

I would love to. It's one of the reasons that I have, quote unquote, only 48 qualities rather than 120, because I realized that if you teach one and you teach it in a broader context, you can actually be teaching three or four at the same time. As an example, and I discovered this when I was writing the book. I love to write because it helps me think I was in line to get on a plane in an airport.

Long story, I won't go into it all. But I was patient. The people around me weren't. And this isn't about me being amazing. There's plenty of days I'm impatient. But on this particular day, I was able to exhibit the quality of patience. And I finally got onto the airplane after quite a messy situation. And I'm like, why was I able to do that? Like, I said, thank you.

I didn't, you know, gripe at the people. Well, I realized that my patience was founded upon my other centeredness. I care more about others than I do myself. Compassion.

So, I was compassionate for the women who was checking us in for our flight. Optimism, where I have a tendency to think well for people before I would think badly. And humility. And flexibility.

Oh, flexibility is top 48. Like, being able to, you know, not have to be in control to not argue and debate every time there's a change of plans. So, if you, rather than, you know, be patient, be patient.

Why aren't you more patient? I wonder if it would be beneficial to talk about, you know, if you would have compassion for your grandmother. Her neighbor just fell and broke her hip. So, grandma's scared now to walk. And when you run around, she gets nervous. And you'll notice that she kind of freezes.

I wonder if you held her hand and walked with her instead of in front of her and walked slowly with her. That would, oh, that would be so loving. And that would demonstrate compassion for the fear that your grandmother has.

Could you do that for us? Those kinds of conversations connect beliefs to behavior and show them how the character qualities are connected. And they honor God.

And they glorify God. And that's, you know, that's the bottom line. So, I hope that makes sense.

Yeah. I don't know that I have thought in terms of that myself, to be honest with you. Because I typically tend to see these traits as just isolated things.

But in reality, what you're saying is true. They're not isolated. They're tied together.

And one impacts the other. So, that's going to help me the next time I'm in the airport. I ask myself, why was I patient? I love it. Why was I not patient? Why was I not patient? Yeah. Now, when identifying positive character traits to develop in our children, why is it important to also identify and talk about their negative traits? I think sometimes the negative is easier to see. So, our parents are frustrated by the kids being rude and inattentive and disagreeable and dishonest. So, the negative is easy to see.

We talk about it. Don't be dishonest. But the change process from Ephesians 4, 22 through 24, would teach us that we have to take off the old self and put on the new self. So, if you want a child to become honest, they have to take off dishonesty. If you want a child to become agreeable, they have to take off the disagreeable spirit. So, I think it's beneficial for a parent to see the connection and to decide what to talk about. And I would like us to talk more about what we want than what we currently have. So, you talk about being agreeable rather than don't be so disagreeable. So, use the word that you want your children to exhibit because they become who we say they are. But when we know as parents, educators, and grandparents, that there's a negative we're trying to overcome, I think it trains us to talk differently and it gives kids hope. I've watched families take a whiteboard and make a list. I'm going to take off this and put on this.

I'm going to take off this and put on this. So, in the back of the book, the appendix that I have for each of the 48 qualities, I actually list four or five negatives for each of the positives. And our pre-readers have found that really helpful to go there and go, okay, I'm really bugged by this behavior. What's the opposite? Because you know what, Dr. Chapman, sometimes parents are so tired, right, and they're so sick of their kids behavior, like I get that, that all they see is the red flag. All they see is what they're driving me nuts. So, we need to think, no, no, no, what would be the opposite?

And then how can I make that happen through the glory of God, right? Yeah, I want to go back to the, you mentioned the lying because this is a common factor in children raising children, that children do lie and sometimes just ball face lie. How does the parent respond to that? Well, with grace and mercy, because we've all done it, with a belief that our kids aren't bad, there's something triggering the decision, fear, they're going to get caught.

They have an expectation for themselves that isn't realistic, but they can't believe that they're wrong about themselves. You know, dad's going to get mad, whatever, and the consequence, the consequences are so important. So, if children lie, a consequence is we check up on them.

So, if your son comes home from the neighbor after playing a while, you call the neighbor. Well, mommy, what are you doing? Well, I'm calling Ms. Jane to find out how, if you behaved okay.

Well, mommy, I just told you that I was good. Yes, but yesterday you didn't tell me the truth. So, the consequence for your choice to lie is that I make a choice to call and check up on you. So, this is what happens when we catch you, you know, with a pattern of behavior that concerns us.

We're going to check up, and once we find out that you are telling us the truth again, you know, we'll stop checking up on you. But I think one of the things that's very, very important is to let them know there are consequences for their decisions, good consequences with good character choices and negative consequences when they mess up, if I can put it that way. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our guest is Dr. Cathy Cook, author of Parent Differently. It's our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us. Dr. Cook, we were talking about this somewhat in the last segment, but let's talk further on this whole issue of, in what ways do positive and negative consequences build biblical character in children? Right. I believe that all character starts with choice. All choices are rooted in a worldview, which is why a Christian worldview is so important. So, when we have positive and negative consequences in place, like we don't get in the way of that. Don't always rescue your kids.

Let them suffer the consequences of their choices. Then they begin to understand, oh, this is why mommy said be kind. This is why mommy said don't gossip. This is why mommy said generosity is beautiful. Oh, this is why dad said he likes that I'm resilient. He said that he likes that I'm not giving up and I'm trying more.

And look, I did better today. So, daddy was right that resiliency is a good thing. So, we talk about the cause-effect nature. Again, they don't necessarily think that way.

We can help them think that way. A true example was a dad who heard me speak about this who forgot to turn in a report at work. And the supervisor knocked on the door an hour after it was due and said, hey, you know, Ben, where's the report? And so, the dad came home and said to his kids, man, I got to tell you guys I had a bad day at work. I chose to do what I wanted to do at work rather than what my boss told me to do.

I know you guys have sometimes done that too. And I didn't get the report done that he needed. So, I'm not going to get to go to your soccer game tonight and I'm so sorry. I've got to stay home and get this thing done. And I'm going to have to build trust. My boss doesn't trust me. I'm going to have to rebuild trust. He's probably going to doubt whether or not I'll do something right. So, one of the things I did, kids, was I went into my calendar and I've already outlined that every Tuesday at two o'clock the report is due.

So, that's now highlighted in my calendar hoping that that's going to help me not make the same mistake. So, we talk about the consequences that we've experienced in hopes that our kids will begin to put two and two together and get four. Yeah, I think it's important also, and I know you do, in terms of when you have a rule for children, tell them what the consequences will be if they break the rule so they know and you know what's going to happen. I remember my son, he had a relatively new bicycle and I said, now, let's have one rule here. Every night before you come in and we get ready for bed and all of that, you put your bicycle in the shed.

And if you don't, if you leave it out one night, then the consequences are you do not get to ride the bicycle the next day. Is that okay with you? Well, yeah, he thought that was fair and I thought that was fair. So, I remember the first time it happened. And so, I said to him, oh, Derek, I said, I noticed you left your bicycle out last night.

And I said, you remember the consequences, right? You don't get to ride the bicycle today. He said, oh, Dad, but all the guys are going to be riding this afternoon, Dad. Let me ride today, Dad, and not tomorrow. And I said, you know, son, I can see how you'd feel that way. Because if your kids, if your friends want to ride, you'd want to ride with them.

And if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way. But remember, we agreed on the consequences. So, I'm sorry, but I can't let you ride the bicycle today because you broke the rule. Well, he wasn't happy, but he never did it again.

He never did it again. So, I think if parents can get that concept that, you know, let them suffer the consequences, we tend to kind of cave in if they cry, you know. We should be empathetic, you know, but let them suffer the consequences. Yeah, that's the way we learn.

Oh, goodness. No parent wants their kids to be miserable, but it's a short misery for greater gain. So, there's two things in your example that I just want to highlight that I think are so important. When you have a child say, I agree. You know, when you say that, you know, every night the bike goes in the shed and here's why, you know, it could get stolen, the weather could, you know, make it rusty, whatever.

Here's the reason. And so, you've agreed and you have your son say, I agree. And you teach your kids that their word matters. Jesus is the word. His word matters. Our words matter.

We become who we say we are. So, I agree, dad. And then the next day you say, now you agreed. So, don't tell me that you didn't understand. And then the other thing is when you say, you know, you say no. No, I understand that you're hurt that you can't ride the bike, but the answer is no. This is where parents, and I don't envy them this, Dr. Chapman.

You have to let your nobody know. And you let, and then you, maybe you distract the kid and you say, hey, why don't you, why don't you sit and, you know, shoot, or why don't you shoot hoops? Or, you know, do you want to come in and work on the jigsaw puzzle?

Or do you want to go walking? Like, show them that there's alternatives, but let them, let them suffer the consequences of their decision. You are not a mean dad and your kid is not a bad kid. Something happened there. Love that example. Yeah. Well, you know, you, we talked briefly about the whole biblical concept of children. What did Jesus believe about children and why is that important for parents of children to understand?

Yeah, I love this. It is part of biblical character is to really get in touch with Jesus's beliefs. You know, back when Jesus was on earth, he really was here for a while. Children were the forgotten generation. They were, you know, swept behind mama's skirts, if you will.

They weren't seen or talked to until they matured. And yet when the learned men, you know, said, who among us is the greatest? Jesus called up a child.

And I, and Dr. Chapman, I can just picture the men mumbling, did he hear the question right? You know, who among us is the greatest? He calls up a kid, you know, and when the learned men were trying to keep the children away from Jesus because they felt Jesus, you know, didn't have time. He was so important. Jesus said, let the little children come to me. And so Jesus, who was busier than will ever be with the more important agenda than will ever have, took time for children and in front of adults celebrated them.

That's where the name Celebrate Kids comes from. So he believed they were special and precious and important and wanted and significant and good examples and capable of knowing him and worshiping him and so much else. So when we are discouraged by our children's choices, and that's going to happen because children are children and we are imperfect parents, let's get in touch with, hey, this is what Jesus wants me to believe. These children are precious in his sight, if not in my sight today, you know, they're precious in his sight.

And I think it's a fun study of Scripture to look at the different interactions that Jesus had with kids and what conclusions can you draw about his beliefs because his beliefs cause those behaviors. So important. Well, let's, as we come to a close today, let me ask this. What if there's a parent listening today whose teenager has rebelled, they're out of control, and the parents really tried their best to do everything that the things that we're talking about today, what would you say to that parent?

Oh, way to end on an easy note, Dr. Chapman. I would say don't give up. You can't give up. These are your kids or this is your son or daughter. So I would ask that you make sure you surround yourself with God's presence and the presence of his people who will build you up and encourage you and be in the word of God, which is strength and life to you, the daily bread that you need in order to have the compassion and the love and the strength that you need in order to continually talk with and deal with a rebellious kid.

Pray and pray regularly and pray expecting that God is on your side and is going to make away. And I think I would respectfully ask you to consider whether or not you have done everything we've talked about. Kids tell me, you know, my parents do a lot of telling. They don't really do a lot of teaching. Let me say that we drill and skill the ABCs and the 123s, and we state a rule and expect compliance. But because of sin, character and obedience are harder to teach than anything else. And that's why our example matters so much. And that's why direct instruction, good old-fashioned, this is the way we do it, not this way.

It's really important. And I would say that we can say to some kids, some rebellious kids, some kids who are not walking well with us, we can explain that we know we've let you down with the lack of hope here. We really want to start with a fresh slate. Could we do that on January 1st? Could we do that on February 1st? Could we do that tomorrow? Could we wake up tomorrow? And could it be a new day?

And could you give us a fresh start as we're still learning to parent? And would you give yourself a fresh start and stop looking back at the harm and at the frustration? So that's what's on my heart. Give yourself grace and mercy and all those things.

Yeah, I think that's so important. And the reality is, you know, we're not responsible for our old, especially our older children's things that they do or don't do. But we shouldn't take that on as a burden that I have failed. Yes, I think we should ask God, Lord, show me where I have failed. And yes, confess that to God. And then as you just described, confess it to the child and ask for a fresh start. Having done that, then I think what we want to do is try to let our behavior be different after that, because that's what if the child is still at home, they're looking for change in your behavior, if indeed, you know, you've been part of the problem. Well, let me not only thank you for being with us today, Dr. Cook, but also for this book, because I think, like all of your books, they're very, very practical.

And I think the parents who are listening, we all want our children to have godly biblical character. And this book spells it out in a way that I think is going to be very, very helpful to parents. So thanks again for writing it and thanks for being with us today. Thank you for your affirmation.

It's always a joy to spend time with you. Appreciate you a lot. There's a lot of hope here. The title of Dr. Kathy Cook's latest is Parent Differently. Raise kids with biblical character that changes culture. We have a link to their website. buildingrelationships.us. Again, go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, I'm going to take your calls and questions about the love languages and relationship struggles. Don't miss our January edition of Dear Gary in One Week. Our thanks to Janice Backing and Steve Wick for their work behind the scenes. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.