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Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
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March 28, 2020 8:03 am

Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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March 28, 2020 8:03 am

​What do you do to get your husband to talk? How do you get a child to give you a second chance when you've made a mistake? You'll hear answers to those questions on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Plus, a spouse who has given up on the marriage. Hear responses from trusted pastor and author of the New York Times bestseller, the 5 Love Languages. Don't miss the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are on "The 5 Love Languages" language and the need to feel love of the significantly your life emotionally with my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Gary Chapman to me love I would just today the listener line is open your questions on building-related ship with Dr. Gary Chapman weird out your day go by then you don't want welcome Building Relationships. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" is one of the most anticipated conversations of the month, we open the list. Questions for this trusted pastor, counselor and author and we have some great questions today on our March addition is always our hope, Gary deals with the topic that it might also help someone saying if you like to call the question for the upcoming program numbers 186642 dear leave your message try to get to a future broadcast 186-6424 Gary featured resource. Today is Gary's book.

Things I wish I own. We got married again if you had to sum up that book in just a few sentences will reduce. So first of all for the best books ever written is good. I give 12 things in their book groups that I know now that I know before I got married one of my my marriage much much easier things like I was always known there was two stages of romantic love you not going to stay obsessed with each other forever going to come down.

You have to learn how to love each other and that's the whole of language thing and then other things like I wish I know that apology is a sign of strength.

If you're dating someone and they offend you or they don't ever apologize.

That's a red flag waving unit. When you learn to apologize before you get married because I can tell you after you get married you the need to apologize, but don't be perfect this a lot of practical stuff in that book. I'm super super excited about. I really believe if a couple would work through that book just like a chapter, we can read and answer the questions and discuss them with each other. It's going to move them toward being much much better prepared for a life together in marriage.

Do you think that a couple when they're dating having conflict in heaven. Some struggle and they disagree about one thing or another.

Do you think that is a bad thing, or it can it be a good thing. It's a realistic thing.

The problem is sometimes were not realistic were dating when were in love with each other. Super super high emotionally and we do have these differences but we don't discuss them and wait we don't speak up and say we have that hurt me the way you did that and because we don't discuss them. We don't learn how to resolve conflicts and then we got in marriage we come down off that super emotional high and were still going to solve them and then what we do is argue with each other because both of us knows that we write argue with each other and that leads downward, and you you argue with each other. You're destroying your relationship so yeah I think the more open and honest we can be before we get married we have conflicts openly discuss them in and find resolution because if you can't learn to do that before you get married. I'll tell you going to have trouble when you do get married because you will have conflicts.

Yes. Well, if you go to website. Five love is a lot there are featured resources right there things I wish I'd known before we got married again, go to five love I get your calls first upper wife concerned about her marriage because of communication. I don't know. We are both diverse and armed confrontation, even if it's just a finance also change what we do. Thank you Chris, this collar is surfacing call reports is talking about their married now. He doesn't want to discuss things that would be a conflict.

He doesn't want to deal with them and so yeah we we can't we can't move forward if we don't deal with the things that divide us because the division creates an emotional barrier between the two of us so yeah this is good question. How do I help my husband be more open to discuss things and work our way through things I would throw this out Chris because sometimes we don't understand that people do have different patterns of communication talk in my marriage seminars about a dead seas like the River Jordan flows into the Dead Sea doesn't go anywhere and we have personalities like that we can receive thoughts and feelings and experiences, but we don't have any compulsion to share them and then the other personality type is the babbling brook unless the person just talks all the time you everything they think see and hear. They talk about and usually they marry each other, and then they annoy each other because he feels like she talks too much and she felt like he doesn't talk at all. And so what I'm saying is, yes, we are influenced by her personality and it helps to understand that, but we can learn to communicate. In fact, we have to learn to communicate and that means that a Dead Sea must learn to share more than he or she would just share by nature and the babbling brook has to learn to slow the flow asked more questions and then then you leave a little empty space for them to think about it before this week, so if indeed the caller condemns her husband and use. We should talk more. We never go solve anything if you don't talk more. He puts cheap when he feels put down and criticize. It makes him even less likely to talk.

So when he does talk maybe 5% more than he normally does. If she can so you know, I just want to know how much I appreciate the fact that you are willing to discuss that with me. I really appreciate.

That means an awful lot to me. You look for other things that she can command him on and the more he feels commended by her accepted by her, the more likely he is then to respond to her requests when he feels condemned by her.

He's less likely to deal with issues so love is good his love language.

First of all, and make sure you're speaking it on a regular basis if he genuinely feels loved and accepted by you is far more likely to respond to your request to discuss issues does it help for her to understand why he is the way he is. In other words, if you grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict a lot of fighting and human one is marriage to be that way. And so get a backs away. That's just one scenario does it did this understanding his you know why he is the way he is help yeah I think it is Chris and what the scenario you just gave is a bird is a very common for a phenomena we all have different backgrounds as well as different personalities and if you as you said she grew up in a home where there's a lot of conflict in arguing and yelling at each other.

You don't want that so that's one reason why you don't want to talk about it because you're afraid it's going to be a repeat of what you grew up in.

So yeah, I think the more we can understand each other.

Where were coming from and why we respond the way we do, the better we can then affirm them not, I can say what you want to draw back for that.

It makes sense to me doesn't mean you're a bad person but I do and you know you get that kind of response you create a climate where they're more likely to enter into discussion with you future resource today is things I wish I'd known before we got married you can find out more about it. Five love that's five love like this next question is Gen. Gary. But if you are single, I think you will benefit from the advice here we go. I Gary I'm currently reading your book. Five love languages and I'm enjoying it very much.

I was wondering if you would ever write a book about dating because everywhere it out here these days. We need to help. Thank you Dr. Chapman appreciate the call because I yes there are lots and lots of singles out there who are struggling in terms of dating relationships. I do think "The 5 Love Languages" can help with that. And I have a special edition for singles, five leveling for singles and that reading that will also be helpful because it discusses how the love languages interfaces with the single adult and their parents their siblings their college roommates there dating partners.

Their work associates as I think you'd find that to be very very helpful.

The book were highlighting today is a book I wrote about preparation for marriage and skull things I wish I had known before we got married so I think a dating couple are even if you're not dating that you like to come to get a feel for what are the things that make a marriage work.

That would be a good book to to work through and read.

I think in the dating relationship.

We are often pulled together by emotions when we meet someone in the way they look in the way they talk in the way that emote gives us warm feelings were just kind of drawn to them what we call this falling in love and and it becomes really an obsession with each other and in its height. You really just feel like this is the most wonderful person I've ever met in my life. Your friends and your mother can see their flaws and they'll point them out to you and you should listen to them because you're kinda blinded when you're in love and so if that people are pointing out to you things about the other person that you're not willing to accept. You need to slow down a bit and listen and began to look for the things that your friends are telling you. I think another factor in dating also is that early on, you clarify with each other.

Some of the guidelines you might have about dating because in today's world as you know there there people who were jumping in bed the first date. I mean, it is absolutely astonishing. You have some guidelines that you can't go into the deepest of all intimate relationships without getting to know each other better. Otherwise it's just two people following their sexual instincts, there's no relationship there, but it take time to get to know each other and find out your thoughts or beliefs your history, your dreams for the future and those of the kind of things would have to precede the very very intimate things and so I think that if you share tender guidelines and certainly if you're Christian you share your Christian perspective on life and that if they're not willing to walk down that road with you and are not open to that reality. It's a huge red flag waving.

Because the Bible says can two people walk together if they're not agreed if enhancer is not very well and not very long. So you just being open and honest with the person you're dating and I'm not feeling that you've got to put up your the best part about you and never show them the things that you know you really don't like about yourself and you hope they don't discover listen you need to discover their thoughts their feelings their low points. Their high points there history. Those kind of things help you make a wise decision about whether to marry someone are not to marry someone. I think that'll be helpful advice and that Michael Gibson we had with us last week confirmed as a single adult male.

He said it's really crazy out there in the whole dating experience. So thank you for your question. If you'd like to ask you question a Dr. Chapman to follow up with something he said on today's program. Call us at 186-6424 Gary and at the website you'll find that featured resource things I wish I'd known before we got married. Five love right so Gary we've had a communication problem. The dating question. Next up, a wife who has a complicated situation with her husband, Eureka. I have done all the little part my comment. Lots going on by foldout door but did by then he don't want people right now I am mentally and thought you want to move in with me again with the key. Not going to do.

He don't want to talk at the left which acquittal can't clean. So if you can let people know what my problem is so I can work on dad but he kept nine check Betty I finally have it go ahead with something you all a bill. Don't get lucky, but happy that my deletion very empathetic with this color and I can certainly understand why she's ready to give up yet. I did write a book some time ago, one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. I would suggest reading this, at least in giving it a try at the same time. I understand if the spouse moves out. They separate physically live somewhere else and then they say I want to come back. I want to move back in. But they're not willing to deal with the issues that led to the separation.

I thought I personally think it's a mistake to invite them back into the house that some may disagree with me but here's what I'm saying if they really want to have a better marriage, then they need to be willing to deal with the issues that led to the separation. And that certainly would involve counseling.

I think one of the most common mistakes that people make when a spouse actually physically moves out of the house and live somewhere else and then wants to come back they come back together too soon. They come back without dealing with the issues and in six months. The same thing happens again.

If on the other hand, they are willing to go for counseling and discuss the issues and let counselors help them work through their problems. Six months down the road. Yes, you can come back in and now you got a foundation on which to build a better marriage. So I do think it's a mistake to just let them come back if they're not willing to do something that will enhance the relationship if you don't deal with the issues they won't get better if you deal with the issues and learn new ways of relating to each other. Yes, there's hope, and I believe there's hope even in the kind of marriage.

This color described. I believe there's hope.

So again, I would suggest that the book I mentioned earlier, one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart and you can find out more at again. Five love This is our dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, thank you for listening. Now here's a question I don't think I've ever asked you this because I'll test your sports acumen Gary in baseball.

I know you know what a pickle is in a jar, but do you in baseball.

Do you know what a pickle is I don't where it's where one runner is on a base and then gets caught in between bases okay and then you know one put one player on the defense will throw it to another player in the end, the runner runs back any runs back and forth this next color is in a pickle because she's trying to help somebody but then you'll hear what she says she's regretting some past advice that she gave to another friend here we go.

In my effort and after I and back in a situation in a very difficult time with her family, not only at marriage situation, but obviously affecting their whole family out at home legal situation where quite some time about a month at least seven children and he is not really offering any support or much input into the situation at all and my friend is just looking for what to do that that would be right for her marriage and her children and have been advised that in the case of abandonment that God made provision for that way, like out of marriage and I guess part marriage wholeheartedly and am looking to be able to get hurt.

I know you and pray the prayer is always birthday and I reach I had because in the past I have spent so strongly saying the mayor stay in the marriage and and at one point, I think that we sent that I have the night's event to a fault. When they led involved.

So I'm very happy and I want to be analyzed and my situation, looking for feedback on that understanding. This color she saying that her friend has seven children. Her husband has moved out and her husband is not giving support financial support to the family. What advice do you give to that wife. I don't think the answers are staying in our file for divorce. I think there's something in between.

There and I would say she should take legal action to force him to pay child support coming. This is where laws are helpful because he has a responsibility as the father of seven children to be financially supporting them, and so to take that step and make him responsible and that way would be a positive thing, not a negative thing that he may get upset about it but he knows in his heart.

He has a responsibility to those children even no matter how he feels about her. So I think that's a step that I would suggest that she take and the other step. I would suggest is that perhaps she would go for counseling and let someone help her process her own emotions that no maybe you as a friend can do that you have to decide, but she needs someone that she can talk with and share her heart with and share her emotions with income to work through some of this. I think she should always stand ready to forgive him. If indeed he repents and apologizes. Sincerely to her. But even there I think she they would need to get counseling because if I don't deal with the issue and we talked about this in an earlier question on this program. If they don't deal with the issues is likely to erupt the same way you have six months eight months down the road so I think helping them be responsible and then also letting them know that she is willing to go for counseling with him. If he is willing to go and and I can begin to work on the issues and then down the road if they do that, then reconciliation is a real possibility and obviously the one that we would all like to see because you hate to see children being raised in a home where the father is abandoned them so that I would. I would put a timetable on it, but I was psyched take time. Don't rush to divorce. Take time and let's pray and let's reach out to him and let's see if he's willing to do some things he may not be this week but three weeks from our three months that he may be willing to do what I normally say is take a year in your own mind take a year and Sam going to vote this year to praying to reaching out to him being willing to reconcile being willing to go for counseling and let's see what happens in the course of the year and if nothing is happened and he has no contact with him and he won't support them. Then essentially they're already divorced. It's just a matter then of making it legal and thus forcing him to share financial assets with her and with family could add to that, Gary. Because if not accountabilities, not the word that I'm looking for. That is something like that. Bring some friends who really know you and your situation along with you and say I will pray for year would you pray with me for a year. Not physically in the house you know it is so that there saying their praying along with you and you have these other people who are saying we are doing the same thing says if you get frustrated, then you gotta keep right right you are absolutely crisp and also would be ideal if if there people that she knows who are really close friends to her husband who would be willing to spend time with him and just talk and listen hear his side of things and try to help him walk through this as well. Here's the other thing that I sent in her question, and it is. I made a mistake in the past.

I gave some bad advice in the past and that's hamstringing me. I don't want to do then want to make that mistake again. And if people who have given me a bit of bad advice to somebody never talk with never gave any advice. I mean you've made mistakes and any advice you've given but yet you still move forward with that. Talk talk about that phenomena yeah I think obviously when you have told somebody stay in the mayor stay in the marriage during the marriage, and you didn't realize the depth of the abuse that they were going through. Then you can feel hesitant the next time to share that advice indiscretions.

That's what we want. We want people to stay together. We want people to work through their problems so I wouldn't let that past experience keep you from sharing with this lady is obviously we can't tell people you should do this, that that's not the language we use. You try to help them look at the alternatives and think about what would be the implications if I do this or if I do this, you're helping them think rather than being God you and telling you need to do this so that if you take that approach, you're likely to be a helper rather than someone that's a hindrance and an angry at my wife out and the cocoa host here says a lot to her friends.

She just asks questions shall come to probe a little bit deeper and say I think you probably know what it is that you want to do here.

So without even giving direct advice. You know this is what you want to do the person figures that out on their own by looking at their life in the situation. I think it's the same kind of thing you do with your conferences and and even with this program you are absolutely crisp because none of us know totally the situation. The other person is all we know is what they tell us if we hear the other person side will hear a different picture.

They see things differently. But whomever were listening to.

We need to help them think through and asking them questions and letting them share their perspectives and then asking how would that play out. You know what, if you really do this. One of the implications know what might happen.

We need all we only friends and so reaching out and and don't leave people when they're in trouble. You draw closer to them when they're in trouble will hear is that other thing that the person who's in the pickle who called us she could be the best prayer warrior for her friend never on the planet because she's really invested in our and I have to ask you this before the break. Did you ever make a mistake. Have you ever given anybody not you know terrible advice. But you if you had it to do over again you'd you'd say something different to Chris. I think yes I think there have been times in which I've encourage people to stay in a marriage when really I didn't realize the depth of what was going on in terms of the abuse didn't seem to me to be that desperate that we so much want to have marriages stay together that we can pressure people to stay in a very very abusive situation and that is not a loving thing to do to stay there. Love says to the person who is abusing you I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. And if if you're willing to get some help, then great.

If you're not then here's what I'm going to do it it's it's what we know they call tough love and yeah I think I think any of us can so want the couple to make it. You know that we encourage them to stay in a situation that is not getting better it's getting worse because no one is confronting the person who is abusing them. Gary this next call brings up a topic I think a lot of our listeners will react negatively to on the face of it, they will hear what well I will just let you hear, listen to the heart of this listener hi Gary reading through some senior books I'm seeing something missing. People have been brought up in life experiences that weren't always pleasant and finding themselves the correct option nine over break ups in the family household things like that that self-love is not abundant them are just through experiences. I myself included, knows wondering if you'd everything to put publishing some type of the book because hard to do relationship.

Sometimes when the foundation not just yourself, involving not sure giving it out and that's helpful foundation in living not you know over self-indulgent cockiness neck stuff is what I'm talking about, but truly know that your were something you're someone to be loved. Thank you so much for publishing what you have done. I think your work is a tremendous help. Thanks.

Think this collar is identifying what all of us recognize and that is that so many people do grow up in situations where they become adults with very very low concepts of themselves and having felt unloved as a child or abandonment by father or mother, who moved out our adopted, you know, and I think they'll my birth mother didn't love me enough didn't want me you know and all those emotions going inside. I do think that the Christian has some added help in a non-Christian would necessarily have and that is we have the perspective of God on us that we are indeed made in the image of God and we are therefore extremely important and we are uniquely made by God and God has plans for us in our lives, but emotionally even as Christians we can know that intellectually and not feel that and so I think that's why many churches have support groups for people that are struggling in this area and I really really encourage that because you not only feeling your own emotions, but you listen to other people who are going through similar struggles and you can encourage and help each other but I do think the Christian perspective on life greatly helps those individuals because whatever's happened in the past it was out of your control.

You know you didn't choose all those things that happen to you, but you don't have to be controlled by those things either.

We are influenced by them but with the help of God, we can break free from those negative emotions about ourselves and negative concepts about ourselves and see ourselves as God sees us and with his help we can move out to explore what he has in mind for us in the future and God has plans read one of his children, and those plans are good and you are capable of doing everything that God has in mind for you and I were not all apostle Paul's but every one of us has a place in the kingdom of God and we been gifted by God to live out that role in our lives. And that's what we want it of the happiest people in the world are those who come to discover that God has plans for them and their seeking to use what God has given them the abilities and reach out to serve other people and as you do you find a deep sense of satisfaction in your own heart and the more you see God using your life to enrich the lives of other people, the better you feel about yourself so you as Jesus said about himself. I did not come to be served. I came to serve. So folks who are in that situation where they don't feel good about themselves if they look for places to serve other people.

They're going to find that their concept of themselves is going to grow and the feelings of not being worth anything are going to begin to fade away because you see God using your life to touch the lives of other people think it will end the way I framed that question Nina going into that there are a lot of people who will hear self-love and immediately they will help you not supposed to love yourself, your post, but others first etc. etc. then and that's true in in one sense, but I think the way that you have just answered it and the way that I love the frame. It is am I going to believe what God says about me or I am I going to be cute, listen to the negative voices were my own experience or what somebody else says I what am I going to. What am I going to really believe is in my going to believe what God says and that will totally change things will absolutely Chris because is no question about it. Our self-concept is influenced by what happens to us in the early stages of life, and if it happens to be a negative self-concept, then we need to discover the truth. And Jesus said the truth essentially free when you really understand who you are, then you're free to be that person and accomplish the things that God has in mind for you bingo this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman website. Five love and I can't believe how well this is all fit in in here together with your questions and and comments. Gary's answers and then this call.

There are probably some parents who have children who are estranged to a listening right now something is come between you and your child. There doesn't seem to be an answer.

See if you can help our next caller Gary, my son. No, I didn't kill Canada and he went through a lot with living with mom and I somebody he blamed me for it and because of that we have no relationship at all. I know you know I'm praying that I'm a Christian fill. I keep praying and reaching out to him and I believe in my heart I know that God got out and he watching my life by diluting he's very disrespectful to me and I'll eject but I'm still holding on to God's unchanging hand praying and hoping for a change. Thanking you as a way to think this call is dealing with an issue that many parents deal with today particular the same as for divorce is been a part of the picture that is the tile. If there still under age of 21 or 18.

The Gumby living either with their biological parents are with one of the biological parents in another step in the stepparent parents make different decisions on what would be best for each child. Obviously sometimes they're spending three days a week with one parent, three days a week with another parent. That way they each have a relationship and they each have an impact.

But when the child moves totally in this case to another country even and staying with one biological parent one stepparent and perhaps they're not having a good relationship. There and then they look back and blame the other person because you know you didn't keep me you didn't love me enough to keep me and so they have a negative attitude toward that particular parent and that parent cannot change their attitude we we don't make people think differently and feel differently but I think what the caller is doing at least as I understand it is really probably the most positive thing she can do that is she's praying for this son she's praying that God will work in his heart and help him have a desire to have a relationship with her. She's reaching out to him.

I don't know in what ways she might be doing that but I would think in such things as sending birthday cards, sending Christmas cards sending Valentine cards perhaps writing old-fashioned letter periodically just expressing your love for him and hoping that things are going better for him that just you know just reaching out and having contact with him. And even if he doesn't respond even if he doesn't send her a birthday card or bar doesn't respond to her. At least he's realizing she's still reaching out to me in the day may come in time.

When he gets to the place where he realizes I need to do something here. Either God touches his heart and he becomes personally related to God. Yes, the study the Scriptures and realizes he needs to go, be reconciled with his mother or he gets in dire straits and his biological father and stepmother are responding to him and he may turn to you in desperation for help. Either way, if he returns, and you have a chance to reconnect with him. That relationship can be restored in the Bible. There's the whole story of the prodigal son left home on his own and wasted his inheritance in that case, his father did not go after him to make him come back what his father did was keep the farm going so that when he did get to the end of the road.

There was a place to come home to. So I would say you know you keep your own home. Your own relationships or other relationships going in such a way that if he does return is a place to come home to and you have open arms to receive him.

Unfortunately, we cannot make our adult children do anything but we can do the kind of things we discussed here in the kind of things that this mother apparently is doing. Gary three years. There is one question that keeps coming up by callers to this program and that is one spouse comes the other and says a sentence that changes everything.

Listen to this next question Gary so unless program I listen it with this concept about will basically what I don't love you anymore concept I wanted to know what that is consistent among by not only nonfatal relationships but also faith-based relationships and what that means.

What is the steps that detect overcome that. Yeah, thank you and have a great day. I think many times a marriage partner is stunned when their spouse weathers the mail. The female says I don't love you anymore. Sometimes they will also say I love you but I'm not in love with you. Often that's the way they put it, which means I don't wish you deal, it's just I don't want to be with you anymore and basically this grows out of our obsession with being happy in life and so if you're not making me happy.

I don't have these warm feelings that I used to have when we first met each other. We were in love with each other.

I don't have those feelings anymore.

That's typically what they're talking about.

I don't have the feelings toward you that I used to have toward you. What many people don't know is all of us come down off of the high of the in love experience everybody us and typically what happens is we come down off the high and then we have our conflicts and we argue with each other. Are we just don't have anything to do with each other were living in the same house and trying to be civil and so were not meeting each other's need for emotional love and after a while sometimes when I say that statement they have already have feelings for someone else in the feelings I have for the other person are so high compared to the feelings I have toward you.

They said I can honestly say they're mine I don't love you anymore.

I don't fail those feelings anymore toward you.

It's unfortunate that we tend to be obsessed with having these strong positive feelings but on the other hand, everyone of us needs to feel loved and when you don't feel loved in a marriage over extended period of time. You are greatly tempted. If you have feelings for somebody else comes along at work or somewhere in some other setting so it doesn't make it right to leave this person go with this person because you got feelings for the new person but you understand how it happens, it's because the emotional need for love is not being met in the relationship. So I think if a person comes and says that to to you as a spouse I don't love you anymore or I'm not in love with you anymore. The logical response would be. Tell me about it.

Explain it to me.

What have I done or not done and let them explain it to you. And chances are there explanation will give you understanding of how they came to the place where they are emotionally that they can say those words to you and it may also be a place where they can reveal to you that they found somebody else who is loving them through this meeting that need to know what can you do. First of all you listen and you listen and you listen and then you express understanding.

I guess I can see how you came to that place and I'm sorry you apologize and I know that I can't control your life in the future and if you choose to leave me. I have no option. I can't make you stay here, but I want you to know I am willing to change.

I didn't realize how I was affecting you, and I'm willing to change. I'm willing to go for counseling.

I'm willing to do whatever I need to do to be the husband to be the wife that you need because I love you I care about you. I want to be spouse that you deserve it. Take that approach can't guarantee that they will be open but there's a good chance they may be open to go for counseling with you if you start defending yourself. You start criticizing them, you start telling them negative things about themselves and what they've done.

You further destroy the relationship, but a listening ear, slow to speak and slow to get angry and in loving them in spite of the fact that they're not loving you is the most powerful influence you can have on the other purse, let me take you one step further that Gary and that is the person the spouse who says I fallen out of love with you, who then brings God into the statement and says I don't have the feelings I once had. And God doesn't want us to be unhappy. You see this syllogism and I don't feel the way that I once did.

God doesn't want me to feel this way because it feels bad. Life is too short to live this way. Therefore, you have what is that how you respond to that when when God is on the side of the person who doesn't have feelings, and I think often this is the case Chris because we have this elevated concept of happiness and endless I God wants us to be happy. Does the Bible say he's going to give us abundant life.

I understand how they get to that place where you God would want me to be here and be this miserable. God has something good for me and I'm gonna, go find it it it it's the it's the concept that the goal in life is to find happiness in a relationship. And let's face it sometimes were happy in a marriage relationship and sometimes were not happy. It all depends on how we treat each other, but we can create a sense of happiness. If we learn how to love each other. Yeah that's why Chris I think so many couples of said to me through the years about the five love language book is that they said that book literally saved our marriage. We were at the point of not wanting to be with each other and we read the book and we realize we look back over the years and realize how we had missed each other.

We had not spoken each other's love language and both of us were living with an empty love tank and then we had our arguments and then we just gonna stay away from each other you know and and and and and then we realize. Let's try this, let's try speaking each other's leveling to see what happens at and they say it literally saved my marriage.

You see, I think, because the deepest emotional need. We have on the human level is to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And if you're married, that your spouse, you know, I think what we are in a situation where we realize that we are not meeting each other's needs. That's a good place to discover the reality of what "The 5 Love Languages" and understanding each other's love language can do to really transform a marriage but say the somebody is tuned in right now and they use their staring at the radio they can believe that you're talking about their situation, would you spend just a minute or two and and pray for that person who has been told I fallen out of love with you to pray for that broken heart. Sure, brother. You know what were talking about and you know the listeners and really thousands of others who are listening who are in this situation where their spouse has simply said to them, I don't love you anymore, and the implication is I'm out of here.

Father I pray that your spirit first of all, will bring comfort to that person who's heard those words and that they will be open to ask questions and to listen and to not condemn, but to be understanding and then to seek how they might take positive steps in that relationship bother you alone can do that because by nature.

We want to fight back.

Want to shoot them if they shoot us. So I pray that you give them wisdom and how to approach this and lead them to people who can stand with them and pray with them and pray for them and I pray for the other person father who has said to their spouse.

These words because they're so unhappy and that relationship, I pray you help them to see things can change things can be different and rather than abandoning the relationship because of the feelings they recommit themselves to the relationship and they reach out to you and they reach out to others for help so that they can have the kind of marriage. They wanted to have. I know that your desire and that's what we pray for in the name would you wear that person looking at the radio gives call.

I'd love to hear your story of what's going on might have a question for Dr. Chapman, 866424 Gary is our number 186-6424 Gary going to make a comment or ask questions about your relationship love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out our featured resources. The website five love It's things I wish I'd known before we got married. Five love and next week how an accident.

Alcohol and addiction led one man quarter relationship here. Pastor Rob Gallaty in one week.

Thank you to our production team Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production radio in Chicago in association with the ministry.

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