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Five to Thrive

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
May 9, 2020 8:03 am

Five to Thrive

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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May 9, 2020 8:03 am

​Each person has five core needs. If you want to thrive, those needs must be met in healthy ways. On the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author and educator, Dr. Kathy Koch will help you determine if your core needs are being met. And if they aren’t, she’ll help you develop an action plan. If you’re not thriving, don’t miss the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman hear the five questions that can change your life or harm with victories regularly in order one of God as we are the light help us grow up welcome to Building Relationships with Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the author talks a lot about helping children all think. But today, in her latest work she's helping people of all ages address your needs and what might happen in marriage is families and churches society.

They identify five broad's latest funded by blood five to Thrive to determine if your core needs are met. What to do when they're not. Find out more. Get five love Chris Rivera Dr. Cook was also a number of topics over the past few years. We had a great conversation about detecting our kids online and giving them direction. This book I think is going to help people explore the truth about how God has made them and then be able to turn around and serve him with our lives. So I'm excited about this.

You are looking at what really is with the heart of humanity been discussing with Dr. Cook because she's had a lot of experience with children, youth and adults, so this should be a great conversation. Let me reintroduce her.Kathy Cook KO CH is founder and president of celebrate kids, Inc., based in Fort Worth, Texas.

She is cofounder of ignite the family as well as based in Alpharetta, Georgia. She's influenced thousands of parents, teachers and children in 30 countries through ketone messages, seminars, chapels, other events. She earned her PhD in reading and educational psychology from Purdue University. She's the author of a number of books including eight great smarts screens in teens and start with a heart motivating your child be responsible, brave and compassionate but today's featured resource is as I said five to Thrive how to determine if your core needs are being met and what to do when they're not it's link@ Dr. Kirk, welcome back to Building Relationships will not be here amazed that you continue to put out books one after the other and they're all groundbreaking.

Some super encouragement what you're doing, you agree that the concepts were talking about today could literally transform lives bringing it up and read at the beginning, they transformed my life and I thought that I had it with you that I needed. I thought that having my security and being excellent I'm being known was good enough and then God peace if I could put it that way entered into my world and when we choose to rely on God to me please I'm thriving needs, it changes everything. This you're known for your work with children so that these concepts of them talk about today come from your work with children are with over the young people, everything actually, what I come from a great family. As you know. I was raised well. My brother and I had supportive parents involved grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, but is really a beautiful heritage.

So I I course assume that everybody else had that as well. Back in the day that was pretty much the case that hung out with would like me began teaching second graders and was really alarmed at how the 70-year-old kids were already dreaming in themselves were already think and they were stupid were already thinking that they weren't worthy of even a good healthy friendship and I might wait a second. You know where that come from so some of my search for wholeness came out of those experiences where I was so sad for them and my hands were tied at the public school teacher to be able to take them where I felt I needed to go.

So, 313 Reno, PhD I'm interviewed a lot of people digging into the Scripture talking to pastors and theologians well really wise people people know more that I don't really help me see the need that we have that have these needs met in God because he is the one that gave us the need to begin work wholeness that we need to long for wholeness. Explain what you mean by that start with might surprise you. That is, that one of things I love about your love languages is that although we can identify predominant love language for someone and love them well in that channel.

When we love someone, a holy would love them completely.

When we love in all the ways that they've been designed to receive love, it changes them right. It is a firm foundation.

It gives them the whole relationship with the person with loving them while in and there's there's a similarity here where we can be so incomplete. We might lack security and were searching for searching for honesty searching for truth, searching for something or someone that's dependable and that search is exhausting, but when we have security and identity, belonging, purpose and competences will talk about on the show today. We have all of those we can rest the content we can trust we can become an and we can serve as you said at the beginning. Now it's not about us anymore because we're satisfied internally and now we can get back and that's what we were created we get to the five core needs your premise is that God creates each one of us with these needs and he wants to meet our needs. Now what happens if you take God out of the equation. Everything falls apart right.

How many of us were there, you know when people are listening who are there like I'd rather have them meet their needs in something that enough but as an example, living is an example from current culture security.

What will you every time. If you ask the what question for security security. What can I trust I'm beautiful identity, and beautiful, belonging, who wants me on the guys because I'm beautiful and purpose why my life. I'm alive to be beautiful and to make sure that you know I'm beautiful and competent. What I do. Well I did really really well what happened to that girl.

When somebody cuter walks in the school or youth group or the boyfriend of notice, or that David looks at someone else. There's nothing left.

If we put our core needs in one thing all the eggs in one basket were in big trouble. I think you just put your senior Dr. Cook on the amplification of what the Internet can do negatively to that because it's one thing if you live in 100 years ago and somebody walks into the one room school room if you put your all your eggs in the beauty basket. It's another thing if you go online and you compare yourself with everybody else that is out there right absolutely never satisfied to be a bigger house than you do it at a political cold or my living room is stunning and I make the mistake of plaintiff interest living room and now I'm not satisfied with a number of helpful books and she's the founder and president of celebrate kids Inc. as well as cofounder of ignite the family you find out more at Dr. Cook, let's jump into it now. What are the five core needs that you found that all of us have.

They are in this order, security find better question. Who can I trust identity. Who am I and I like to say that most of us don't ever really asked that question in the mirror or to someone that we all have a need to know who we are so security who can I trust identity. Who am I belonging who wants me purpose why my alive. Why did God bother making me now, and number five competence. What do I do well. So let's go back to the God equation is how does God fit into all of this you believe that he created us with these needs and then they exist because they created this right so in a sense only he can meet these needs. Ultimately that's that's the theme really, but that's the underlying concept behind this book right. When I wrote this book, which is an update of an older product.

It especially was made clear to me through Scripture that he created us with these core needs. These essential critical heart needs so that we would find him. He is the only one who is ultimately trustworthy, who will always be on our side will never forsake us. This love is totally unconditional.

He is the one that will meet our need for identity is one created as he called us by name. He knows exactly who we are because he's the one who noticed together in our mother's womb. We we belong to him. He created us that we would have fellowship with you want to give us purpose.

Ephesians 210 declares that we recruited in advance to do good work that we would walk in them.

So he created us with a certain identity and certain relationships so that we would serve in certain ways and therefore we have certain competencies certain skills.

I don't need your skills. You don't need my skills were two different people. Although we have similar skills because were both on the radio were both authors were both speakers.

We we do it differently because her identity is slightly different. I belonging a slightly different so because he created us with these core needs. We will be drawn to him. How many people do we know who have been searching searching searching and then they land on God. They go to church, family, or somebody they listen to is able to explain the gospel in a way that they finally get it if you will.

And then they choose to be discipled in the things of God, and they read more than their favorite Bible verse and they discover all my goodness this God.

He's the one in and it does change that. So I think it's an evangelistic model. I think it's a discipleship model because we could all go deeper into that concept of being whole and being super secure in making sure that these needs are met. And it's not just in God, it is it. It's first and foremost, God and man because he does create us for horizontal relationships. So praise God for that right. There are things that we can do here that also politicize those needs. But it is first and foremost about God's only human level who we would see ourselves as instruments of God, often in seeking to meet these needs and some of the people with whom we were like to write absolutely that good point, you know, security is an example. Who can I trust are we in our families and with our friends. Are we responsible do we own our child do we apologize and have to be forgiven or do we blow them off when they really made them feel badly. I will just get over it or to be say. All I did mean to him, so sorry your personal work so we can establish security here on earth in families and friends. Identity: I only know a fraction of a person or do I invest to get to know more about who they are holding their weaknesses and what is that is power or do I also know their strength so I could go on and on. We are absolutely instruments of healing instruments of hope and we can we can be Christlike as relate to people use a pyramid ramp to show the importance of these five core needs and you said earlier that number one was security. Why do you put that is number one, I'd love to hear you answer that accident because I sell value your wisdom Gary out of it this way, we were created with the need for trust that is hard for me to explain what were drawn to the Savior because of our sin nature.

We are unable our own to live in heaven with Christ when he died, earthly death.

We are so incomplete. We are so fallen and Jesus is the one who died on our behalf, took our sin upon himself and he is truth is with them. He is Savior wants to be our Lord. He is and he he is because he walked on earth one that some of us can connect to differently from connecting to the God of the Bible that make sense and all were desperately desperate to be known were desperate for security were desperate for trust and I think that erases so much of the sin nature then I said hello. How would you answer it. What why do you see where you where you see security father thought that got you where you see is value yeah you know is if we don't feel secure in who we are, then everything we do, were questioning people and requesting ourselves in life can get very very frustrating.

But if we have security from God and that we are made in his image and we come to put our faith in him and trust him. We become his children, so I am a child of God, the God who made me well, that is real security so my mother might walk away and leave me. My dad might lead me and my sister my curse me, but I'm secure in my relationship with God. I can still approach life with confidence and without security, you know, we have no confidence ultimate confidence.

We question everything.

So, that because it and what you did in your explanation with you connected beautifully security to identity mode. A lot of people think what we believe and celebrate cancer that is very important.

Identity controls behavior, we need to know who we are. It's it's damaging to the soul to be invisible and the unknown and not seen what it does start with security at security in Christ that gives us the identity in Christ, which is that what changes everything your theological thing that you brought up Kathy a lot of people see the God of the Old Testament is different than the God of the New Testament and that Jesus is so much different than what they see with God the father.

You know with you. Do this and will will smack you but the crimson thread that runs through the whole Scriptures is the grace of God the mercy of God, and you see that from the garden all the way to end the revelation is justice.

I want to love you. I want to pour out my grace to you come to me and Jesus totally embodies that you know that grace but at the same time we get out there. There is this judgment that is coming on sin and unrighteousness, which we all want as well. You look at something that happens in the world that's unjust and it rises up in us and so he perfectly modeled that it does that make sense to you brought that up absolutely. I meet a lot of people who tell me that they have a hard time related to the God of the Bible, which I sent it would've been my testimony as well and they relate better to Jesus and he walked on earth and he was burdened by people he QFT note was concerned about lostness and all the things so often I find that talking about Jesus first and then get into God and the Holy Spirit works well and we can trust Jesus. He didn't experience what we experience in that gives us a security that identity may be with Jesus that we can start with what we read the Old Testament we see the two sides of God we see the justice of God, because God does bring judgment on people who ultimately will not turn to him or disobey him, so that is a part of the nature of God and and that's the big lesson. Of course with Jesus. He took our judgment. Wow, this is this is a huge concept of the gospel. He took our judgment from a holy, righteous God, so that we could be forgiven and God would still be just so you and I think that sense within us, which you mention Chris is that that we do have a concern for justice and that we do experience anger when we feel like an injustice has been and that is a part of the nature of God so but anyway, let's go back to this number to the need for coordinated and that is identity and that you said earlier Dr. Cook that there and I've talked about our identity is in Christ that I am a child of God by faith in Christ. But what are some of the some of the alternatives that people choose today whether they're younger whether their older but in terms of their identity from often manifested career. I am an engineer network adapter confirm nothing wrong with that unless that changes and then everything changes comfort for young people can be and identity and I am perfect, have you noticed that about me like I'm amazing.

I make no mistakes. Whether you have a hard day coming forward because you live your life perfect. That's why we need Jesus.

Sometimes it's the number of friends they have their identity is very much in their belonging and it doesn't have anything to do with quality relationships of the depth of devotion. They have the people it's the whole Instagram phase of it.

I have more friends and you have and therefore I am amazing and a lot of false identities out there, some only know their weaknesses. They were raised never amount to anything. You're so careless you have a creative bone in your body and they were they were told things in a very mean-spirited way, and unfortunately continue to wear those identities and they walk forward wounded and have a hard time believing that there's anything good there is an illustration of that lesson was in the fifth grade and his teacher public school's teacher said to him, I guess you're just not a student like your sister is his sister was four years older and this teacher had had his sister and so on that juncture own our sunlight. Seasoned season babies just really stop trying and as he got older he started playing basketball when he got the college first year he made season babies. Then he read one of Francis Schaeffer's book so Christianity became homeless and dad. That guy was good to get anything else I can read that he wrote so I gave them other Schaeffer books. He goes back to school and takes a course in philosophy. Philosophy 101 Mike Sunday after that, he starts making A's the rest of his whole career owning the grad school. I said to Derek, caught in the world happened man and he told us that story. He had never told us what the teacher said to him, but he said after she said that I just figured I'm not a student, so why should I try and I didn't try. I just turned the basketball into wings when the child perceives themselves as not being a student because they been told that that was that was so what happened in his life, so that whether we choose it or somebody tells us if we accept that as our identity. It certainly influences the way we live our lives purpose and competent in the words we speak the words we don't speak change live and all this with authority need to be very very careful Vuitton absolutely you mentioned the number three was the sense of belonging.

Explain that to us a bit more creative with the need to be known in relationship belonging he wants me to send Medicare that I'm alive, that he may know my name, it's rooted in identity and security, which come first so that puma concept is really important to me.

I can teach friendship skills to people I can teach the one another's of the New Testament. People were supposed to honor one another and be devoted pray for one another and submit to one another and love one another. You know what if my identity is I am a jerk. That friendship is looking to be hired. My identity as I'm prideful and I have to have the last word in my security as I know more than other people know then that will affect my belonging so although we can in it and a lot of parents will tell me I'm working with my kids on friendship and loyalty and how to be kind to another.

That's great, but in fact his identity is not worthy of a relationship because I'm a good for nothing. It it will ruin it. So it's it's a huge test. I think when people have a negative, belonging, or week belonging or an unhealthy belonging, it will always show us the diagnostic tool of identity that makes sense I think so. In terms of belonging. How would you express that sense that we belong to God, how are you and how would you verbalize that yeah you know seriously and first of all, if you don't mind that would say we don't use the word sent because it's not offensive line. It is belonging right and the more that we dig into God and we know that he is faithful and he is on our side and we can be living in a tough time and we don't understand that God is good that we know he is because the word declares he is in the same thing is true for belonging he wants to see clearly that we would have fellowship with him and be known. And no, that's a remarkable thing. So do we know enough of them to be sent and rest with him and we pray for not securing God.

We don't pray to God. If we don't feel we belong to God.

We don't think you'll hear our prayers, but he does want us to pray in dissent and to worship and have fellowship with him and it's through reading the word and be in his presence, alerting the Holy Spirit is inner that inner leaning that we have that gift from God. Is there so much there so rich it can change. We don't have to perform right we don't perform the one God. We just have to say yes I want you so many people who make us perform and make it because we have been change identity in order to be wanted by them.

God accepts us as we are in delights to help us grow up beautiful thing, but that what you just described is exactly what religion: quotes will push you toward it is. It is all based on this performance. You know and what you just said about God accepts us the way we are even in evangelical Christianity. We say that we give lip service to that, but we act in such a way to others in an evening to ourselves. You know I messed up it and have a quiet time today.

I did this or that of the other thing God must be mad at me always going to smack me upside the head and we don't run toward him. Like the prodigal son. You know we run away from him because we're were scared were afraid we feel like were not accepted. Oh yeah, I think the pastors who are going to pay a price one day for the way that they've not balance to the truth and the grace and the mercy of God, and we haven't done a good job talking about unconditional love and we haven't talked about forgiveness and the fact the he forgot she chooses to forget this remarkable thing God wants us to come into his presence less and less with sin because we grow up in him, but he understands it.

When we have a fallen day. Given so use that question.

Who wants me.

So let's say I am high school football player and a lot of people want me because I'm popular and so I am enjoying life and going along, but then I'm in a little accident and malingerer arms are broken, whatever, and no longer football player. How does that affect that young man if that's where he has put his trust and his sense of belonging in life and being important to ruin them right. If he doesn't have balance because his security was I'm a very difficult player popular because of it identity. You have a guard on you know, a top ranked team in the state. My belongingness bite my team wants me to truly let me. The fans want me I'm I'm really popular.

My purpose is to win the game on a competences, good football player.

So having all your eggs in any one basket.

Whether the good after a bath after this unhealthy I talk in the chapter in the book about identity that we need to make sure that we have a complete identity.

We have a spiritual side and intellectual side of physical side and emotional side in the social side we need to be raising up our children to know who they are in all five of those and adults. It's never too late to discover more about ourselves, so that when one aspect of our life goes negative for a while.

Or we do have to stop playing sports because of her age or an accident or injury. It doesn't ruin it for changes but it doesn't have to ruin us. We were discussing these five core needs security identity belonging, purpose and competence and you made the statement that purpose drives competence. Explain what you mean by that and how important that is. Think we need to know why we were created. Purpose why my life because it motivates us to discover what were good at and motivates us to get better at the things that we need to get better at.

So if some if a child to story a child was at sea world watching people swim with the dolphins when he was at 11 or 12-year-old boy and he said his parents. I want to do that when I got on the development's dad said we better take swimming. This boy didn't know how to swim his dad pretty sad. Well, that's ridiculous. You can't do that you can't swim, but instead he said if you want to do if that's your purpose to swim with the dolphins and you knew the competence of swimming. I love it that that's all that this said that boy humbled himself and took some lessons with five and six over the boys graduated from the capital class really quickly.

Of course, became a swimmer earned a degree in Marine biology and swam with the dolphins at Sea world Orlando, Florida because he had a purpose that drove a particular competence not to swimming lessons. But then a degree in Marine biology at the University of Houston.

So if if people are lacking competence of icy apathy.

If I see a satisfaction with mediocrity. If I see people who don't think even your son is an example of someone who didn't think for a season that he could be any better because this what I do. Well, it's rooted in purpose.

When you discover a new purpose. It will drive you to discover your competencies and if you know what you're good at, it'll lean back in. The purpose of you if you have a kid who's a creative writer and imagination and has a vivid memory for what she sees that those competencies can help you discover why she was created purpose and now she cannot walk in the will of God. And it's good to be a beautiful thing in our daughters. A good example of that. Also when she was eight years old. She said to her mother to be a doctor when I grew up. My wife said, well, honey, if that's what God wants for you that would be wonderful well in high school she took three years of chemistry. Three years of Latin coming she's gonna be a Dr. Sangster mine and she is a doctor, you know, that was implanted in her heart early and she stuck with it a gift from God to God communicates to us who is credited to be.

He wants us to know that. Best for us and again what what a blessed daughter because she was supported by you and your wife, and allowed to become that end, and while fulfilling I love that.

Let's talk about the role of parents or grandparents or others only child, because maybe they don't see in themselves what we see in them is forest potential are you no interest or ability. How can we be helpful to them. Perhaps in discovering that security can I trust it some other time. You know my dad ignore me for years and all of a sudden he cares but he doesn't really know me or you have heard a lot of stories like that so it does start with security. It starts with being present at start being honest, it starts with being involved with our kids so that they know that we know them and that we know that they note that we do. We do want to invest in them. If you're listening and you've been a bit absent. Now you're thinking that I've got to get involved to help them discover their purpose. That's great.

Glad you're listening go all the way back to security and make sure that they care what you think. I also want to say Gary that we use the phrase and celebrate kids. I know because your creative. I know because you're learning to be more confident. I know because you're compassionate. I know because release of value with the first one to go see if she was okay. So evidence doesn't lie.

If you're talking to a child or teen who thinks badly of himself because of past experiences or other things that he has heard side of him by you or others that it's very easy to deny the optimism and to deny the complement. I can't possibly be compassionate. You just told me yesterday that I'm a good for that. Hopefully that's not a true story about kids tell me they hear that on a regular basis. So when you do want to affirm an adult or child.

I love the phrase I know because I actually recommended the parents that they take a video or picture with the camera phone of the evidence that their child is capable of kindness or organization or other centeredness so that we don't doubt because the at the specific complement is believable when there's evidence, and that contains us is applied a marriage when you have spouse who is not reaching what you consider to be their their goals in life. Or maybe they don't have the goals clearly defined because sometimes we come to adulthood and were not that far along in their journey. What can a spouse do to help a spouse who struggling with that great great word help you can't change them cannily can help again. I think evidence is key to I think are more capable, but they don't believe that and why don't they believe they need truth spoken into the lie. They need the word of God to be the one that speaks the truth versus US a fallen human. What's the evidence, other other people you could invite to dinner who believe in your spouse you could also speak have seen this and you are when you volunteer church. In this capacity, you just come alive. Have you thought about moving more into that kind of the field so that you have more than energy for life.

I think the we need to make sure that they share our goals for them if they don't, and we think were right.

Why do we think will write what evidence do we have and how we communicated that without judgment, but with love and again the evidence is key. What makes me think I'm right. I communicated that in a way that is loving.

As adults we can discover all of this right even if we know who we were growing up which is which is your testimony write it. I don't want to let you come across as an adult or forgotten. 19 after being raised in church.

What God changed for me was, so I was tall I was six and 61. Now I was tall as a child. Another story, and I didn't like being tall and it's now one of my greatest advantages as a public speaker. I can put suitcases into the overhead bin, and airplanes with no trouble. When I travel my height is not one of my villages when I saw that God made me tall purpose with purpose for purpose and that it would actually facilitate by competence. That's what I said oh God is good and and he has a vision and a plan for my life I was a chatty Kathy is a kid that people pay me to talk you know it and that's Ephesians 210 gifting you know what your testimony is scary, but I used to talk all the time right one library reading awards reading more books in the summer than other kids have always been into literacy of a current PhD in reading doesn't surprise me.

Looking back at all that that I'm now an author and it's it's God. But when when I saw that God created me on purpose with purpose intentionally that I can only who I am, which changes your security your identity, your blogging, your purpose and your constant hope our listeners are sharing what you're saying because I know there's a lot of folks out there who don't have confidence in these things don't feel secure in themselves that don't really know who they are still struggling with all of this and there adults you know and and and and God contains all of that whenever we turn to him and we encounter the reality of a relationship with him. It changes our concept of who we are because now we recognize we are worthy because we are children of God, absolutely in the word of God is a lot more practical than a lot of people understand it the right.

It does also teaches some skills that we need so that we can change the perception of ourselves and because of our relationship with God.

Now we decide those people are unhealthy influences in my life. I'm going to leave that in my past that I want to move forward toward something and someone that healthier. So God changes us because God changes us and then we choose to make other changes because of our relationship with God and that further matures us into his likeness. I just wonder if there is a pastor's listing today and the lightbulb is coming on that.

This whole thing about identity, security, identity and and who wants me, belonging and purpose. They thought I'm a I'm a pastor I'm supposed to help people. I'm supposed to fix people. I'm supposed to live a righteous and holy life and I'm supposed my identity is all based in my performance and my confidence if I can preach well and one day I'll feel good another day off one Sunday. It's great another Sunday it it's not and it's all wrapped up in that performance or comparison.

You know the church down the street grown faster than we are, or Gary Chapman's books are selling in mind that you dog I just want to ride with you know it's all of that is wrapped in there when you get this duct cook when you get this it'll transform a pastor's life and how would it not transform that congregation to when the pastor starts live in that way, absolutely. In my own church. My pastor. And his five tornadoes over couple years ago now maybe to three years ago spent to represent it in its core needs showing us how God, the triune God meets the need and then how we as a church can support that and it was really exciting to watch the tenor of the church and listen to the discussions and see people set up straighter and recognize I belong to this church and the purpose of this small group in this church. Is this absolutely it's so much fun and pastors in my heart breaks for some of them because it is it is so challenging. I pray that they lean into the relationship with God and that they have great relationships with healthy people and they know that they are more than somebody who preaches the word we have all our lives greatly impacted by the code 19 virus found is what we're talking about today relate to what we have gone through and are going through the question. Some people I know have had joy and not a lot of stress and not a lot of anger in the situation. Even though there at home, or choosing to be at home that stuck at home and there. Maybe they've even lost hours at work or lost jobs and they've not been able to see their aging parents, whatever, but there's still joy there and I think those are people who their relationship with God, the triune God is so vibrant and rich and alive that he did not change for them in this season of crisis. Others have had all five of those uprooted and and I ate for them there. Security was their job. Their security was the income the security was money in the bank I get that I have not bothered looking at my retirement fund.

It did not do me any good to go look at how much money have lost know other people to look at it every morning at 8 AM because their security has been that it's another identities is shifting and they're worried about the retirement where would they be able to live with a little biblical in the case and belonging, of course, is been radically transform children who safe place with school and just bleed for them.

Children who love their teachers and love their classmates and were looking forward to the spring soccer season in the security of a soccer player identity play soccer belonging my soccer team purpose to win the game, competence, and good at soccer. These children have lost all five, and it's no fault of their own and what they need from us is unconditional love a hug and I need to see us cry with them. We we really need to grieve.

I hope people grieve. Well you know what Gary if we don't grieve well coming out of this to carry into the future way more of this than we need to and that's really unfortunate. Let's talk about that just a minute in terms of grease. Whether it's the loss of a job, or the loss of the family member to death or divorce in the family. How do we grieve healthily and how does it relate to these core needs part of security security in God believing that he is on the throne not surprised on our side that he understands what is going on and it's okay if we don't think that's essential to help us grieve. While grief is a process that we need to walk through and I think it's easiest to grieve well when we ask when we grieve, what isn't, and except what is it we need to do both at the same time. Ideally we need support.

Some of us need confidence, therapy, and in time with mature believers to help us do that. Others of us need time with God on some of the theater walk in the park. We need to know who we are doing know how were love to be know how these core needs are met so that we can know grieve completely and come out on the other side. It's a great question if not grief is not easy is it. It's a complicated last a long time for some people and we need to be compassionate for them absolutely come your mind example of someone who did not meet these needs in a healthy way and then they had an encounter with God and how that did radically change their perspective on who they are and how they and how they live from the doctrinal. Many people I know who were addicted example that comes to mind immediately.

People who weather was tobacco word or sex or drugs or pharmaceuticals and their security was there fix and I didn't have an addict and a belonging was that fire that you know it boys and they encounter God and they discover there's more to weekly Jesus died that we would have an abundant life.

People understand that there's more. They could be in more they could have we given that vision because we choose to be optimistic and encouraging enthusiastic positive people in the world. So it's God and the support of his people saying you can leave this behind and you can walk forward and then giving them the skills they need the competence to be different because now they have a different purpose and we can help them with that.

So yeah, I know many people who left addiction behind and walked into all five of these in God and then in one or two healthy people who were willing to be their mentors and their teachers here, if you will, the model of parents. How important is that this not just their words with their model, etc. great question. It's critical. Absolutely children listen and observe what they hear and what they see it of appearance says that I trust God with an eight the child overhears a conversation about will we ever get released from the stay-at-home order.

What is God thinking if you know we gotta be very very careful week. We it's okay for us to have honest questions got celebrated at but to make sure that our children at their developmental level understand were coming from with the accuser that so yeah are we behaving in the way that we say and that's that security if there's no credibility between our words and actions. There something wrong with our children pointed out to us because the little mirrors than Soviet let's let's try to grow up and become confident lightly I don't fit what is the role of apology on the part of the parent yeah hello security rights.

Love the work you've done with apologizing. It is why can I trust God because I can go to him and admit my fault asked to be forgiven and he says yes and he never reminds me as if I went to him and God was like now.

You've been here seven times this month about the critical spirit will go back to him. So not only do we need to apologize. We need to not expect to return to that behavior and and therefore the one that's been apologize to we need to not expect that behavior to change because otherwise this could be that negative rhythm that continues to sell.

How does this apply to the person who is an adult is looking back and still living under the pain and anger in and hurt of how they were treated by their parents houses for sale houses. I hope that if they listen. Today they've encouraged to recognize that there are some practical things that we can do is we identify the reason I'm in pain. Is that my dad didn't know me, so he ruined if you will my identity but I do need to stay there so hopefully they say there's some practical steps that can take and really your question about your apologizing is the key here. Are we willing to believe that our peers were doing the best that they knew how to do I need very few parents who are intentionally horrible parents and I'm not excusing them at all. But if we could have a heart of compassion for our moms and our dads and are maybe or even our first spouse to say man they didn't know what they were doing and I am not in the live under that anymore because they did not know and maybe maybe I was a little bit that way back then but I'm certainly not that way now, so I choose to ignore that the next time that the devil prompts me to remember dad's words retract that I would replace it with truth. I think that's the key practical point is that if were remembering what somebody said to us in the past that is no longer true.

We need to replace it with the truth of something God says about us and and also something that someone here on earth that said about us that we know is currently true.

Help us reject the life this summer is gone quickly and then we talked about some really really helpful concepts and will thank you for the time you invested in putting this book together, and I do hope that her listeners are going to get a copy and feast on this.

Let it sink into their lives and consequently let God make a huge difference in their lives. And thanks for being with us today. Thank you for allowing me here are really important in your energy for all of really begin the title Dr. Kathy Cook's latest by Thrive how to determine if you core needs are being met and what to do when they're not linked at our website and find love five love and next week conversation about men and their friendships are like there the question for man is who's got your back.

Don't miss the conversation with David Smith in one I think Dan and Todd went their work behind the scenes, Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's radio station with knitting publishers ministry at Moody Bible and thanks for listening

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