Dear Gary | June

My husband says that I'm supposed to obey him. When man called in about hating the Hallmark movie. We have struggled to resolve a lot of conflicts. I really don't want to be a nag.

My goodness, there's got to be a better way than this. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for June as Dr. Chapman takes a variety of questions about relationships and real-life struggles. We have some love language questions to get to today and a couple of responses about spouses and movies and for the first time Gary you will get to be a movie critic.

All that and a whole lot more coming up on this edition of the broadcast. Go to buildingrelationships.us. We have more simple ways to strengthen relationships including our featured resource 52 Uncommon Family Adventures. Simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories. Randy Southern helped you compile these Gary and you and your family go on a beach adventure every year don't you? Absolutely Chris. The second week or the first week of June whole family gets together we go to the beach and we just beach.

What does that mean? Do you just walk up and down the beach and get the water? Yeah or sit there under the umbrella you know and depending on the age of the kids of course when they were little we would build sand castles on the beach and and of course get in the edge of the water and as they got older we get further in the water. Well our kids have great memories of the beach because we do that every year. Of course you know I did other adventures with just individually with my son especially every summer from the time he was about eight years old he and I would take two days and just go somewhere together and do something together so yeah this this book is a great book for families that just want to do something different that and it doesn't have to be something like a vacation or something like that but a lot of great simple ideas. Some of the conversations that you have in here are you know just simple as thank-you cards or hide-and-seek or a pillow fight or bowling with a twist so library I have a scavenger hunt at the library it doesn't have to be expensive you don't have to go outside of your house or even your town to have some of these adventures right? You're right Chris and that's why we wrote it that way there are things of course it would take a little more time and so forth but there are many of these things very very inexpensive and you can do them wherever you are. You can find out more about 52 uncommon family adventures at buildingrelationships.us again go to buildingrelationships.us all right it's time to get to your calls first up a marriage in trouble because of a biblical disagreement here we go. Hi Gary my husband says that I as his wife I'm supposed to obey him and I'm just wondering if that is true in this aspect my husband is talking about everything I wanted to give my daughter water he doesn't want me to at that time or he wants her to go to bed and I try to say well she's thirsty and he says I'm being disobedient for doing that I'm just wondering why my husband says he's better than me I don't see anything in the Bible about that and he tried to tell me that basically I'm only existing for his pleasure and I hope that maybe you can give some insight help me thank you well Chris can I just say this before I answer that question I am deeply grieved when I hear wives who have husbands who take this concept and call it biblical it's the biblical concept is the exact opposite of that the Bible says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it Christ is our model he gave his life for the church a husband biblically is in a marriage to give his life for the benefit of his wife you know I understand where some people get this idea because it says the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church but they forget to recognize what the head of the church did yeah he died for us when a husband takes the Bible and beats his wife over the head with it and say you're supposed to be obeying me you know he's missed the whole point in the whole atmosphere of a Christian marriage God made us for each other you know and he said that that the husband and wife will become one flesh it means we're going to share life with each other we're partners we're on the same team and emotionally and physically and spiritually and emotionally we're sharing life with each other and doing everything we can to build up the other person when Jesus washed the feet of the disciples he said to them after he finished you call me Lord and you're right but in my kingdom the Lord serves others he was taking the servants job if we love our wives our attitude is going to be honey what can I do to help you how can I make your life easier how can I be a better husband we were there to serve her as Christ serves the church and I'm telling you I don't know if there are any wives who would ever leave a husband who has that attitude toward her and is the attitude of Christ and that in Philippians 2 it says we're to have the attitude that Christ had that though he was God he didn't demand his rights as God but he emptied himself and became a man and when he got on level ground with us he emptied himself even further to death on a cross let this attitude be in you so I I don't know you know I would hope that this husband could somehow find someone that could communicate to him the truth about scripture of the husband's role in a marriage yes we are the leaders but we are servant leaders and that's what our wives need and when we do typically the wife responds in loving us and yes she's there for our benefit yes yes we get but it's but has to go both ways and the husband should be the leader in being a servant and the illustration that she gave about her daughter you know he wants her to go to bed and you need to obey me and you know the if you're a loving husband or a dad you want to hear from your spouse what she knows because a lot of times she's more connected with the children than then you are or vice versa so you're not saying that now you know she calls all the shots no you're doing this together so with that as the framework what does she do with this situation with her husband we hope that he will hear the truth you know from from you today but if he doesn't what does she do I think ideally it would be good if she and the husband could talk with a pastor about this concept I don't know if he'd be willing to do that with her or not if not I think if they're involved in a church if he's not willing to go with her I would say she would go by herself and just say honey I want you to go with me because I really want us both to hear you know what the pastor has to say about how this works in a marriage but if you don't go with me I'm going to go myself because I really need to I really need to understand this I want to do what the Bible says and I want to understand this you know that would be taking a step whether he's willing or whether he's not you'd be taking a step in the right direction our program is Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for June if you have a relationship question you'd like to ask call our listener line at one eight six six four two four Gary keep your question as brief as possible and we'll try to address it here on the program that's one eight six six four two four Gary a featured resource today is the book by dr. Chapman and Randy southern 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories you can find out more at Building Relationships us again go to Building Relationships us we get questions at times that refer to callers from previous programs previous dear Gary broadcasts and a few weeks ago there was a question about hallmark movies and how one spouse likes them and the other doesn't here's a question and a first for this program a song excerpt here we go hi Gary thank you for your podcast I love them I was listening to one and one man called in about hating the hallmark movies and I wanted you and this man to listen to the words love you like the movies lyrics and it's by anthem lights they write a song it's really cute and it's talking about this guy having a date with his girlfriend and she picks the same movie every time every Friday night and it's really funny there's a lot of humor in it and it speaks about a lot of the things that you recommended for this man I think you would enjoy it as well Friday night date night I say pick out what you like I don't care as long as you're here surprise surprise ain't that nice same old chick flick 18th time you know the one with that guy halfway through look at you smiling like you always do and I can't help but you stare cuz suddenly it hits me as I watch you make believe I want to make this show reality and if you'll be my lady even though I may look crazy I'll grab your hand straight learned signs cheesy lines like baby come to me where we've been I love you like the movies well Chris I'll have to admit I haven't heard that song before but I do find it interesting she was she sees the same old movie this is the 18th time and he sees that movie man smiling and sees her smiling and he's saying I want to make that reality not just a movie I want our relationship to bring that smile to your face like that which is a wonderful idea you know that he wants to find ways that will make her happy I think it's a great concept for a husband to realize that whatever the wife is asking for if she does the same old movie every Friday night for 18 times obviously it's not a movie maybe that he appreciates or maybe he's memorized it by now but he would like to see the same smile on her face in the way he treats her that he sees on the smile on her face while she watches the movie yes now the negative side I can see your brain spinning to the negative side of that is that what you see in a movie is usually not the reality that you know you're the day-to-day reality of everyday life you know it's not like the movie but I think the heart of it is I want you to feel real love which is what "The 5 Love Languages" is all about right yeah absolutely you know I think in when we're saying we would like to meet the emotional need of our wife and or our husband but and the and the love languages helps you do that because you know what makes you feel love may not be what makes me feel loved and if I can learn your love language and I want to meet that need and see that smile on your face then I learned to speak your love language and you do the same for me and when we do that we're meeting one of the deepest emotional needs we have and yeah there's so many things in movies that are that are not realistic but one of the things that is real is our need emotional need for love and it's true whatever age we are but in a marriage it's extremely important that we learn how to meet the other person's need for emotional love there's something in in this case the wife there's something in the wife that is touched emotionally deep inside by this film and something the feeling that she gets from that so what I would say and I think you'd agree with me Gary is if you're the guy and you say not this movie again a really good question would be so what is it about this movie that touches you on the inside what why do you keep coming back to this do you think and not an accusatory why in the world are we gonna watch you know but why why do you keep coming back to why do you think you keep coming back to this and if you ask that question and then you listen my guess is you're gonna hear something from her heart that you may not have understood I think you're exactly right Chris that's a great question to ask and the listening part is so important you're asking and then you're listening to what she's saying and you're thinking in terms of oh so that's what the movie is doing for you what it's communicating to you how could I do that to communicate my love for you well he's moving on a positive track when he does that if he just criticizes her for the same old movie again I mean he's just making life miserable for himself and for her all right let's stay on the movie track and another caller has a question but this time things are reversed here we go hi Gary I just listen to your most recent podcast and in response to the question the hallmark movie question where the man's wife watches hallmark movies and he doesn't care for it my husband likes war movies violent movies thrillers and those are on most of the day what's your thoughts on that and also Gary I will say that in in her call she mentioned that there movies that her husband watches all day that have a lot of nudity in them as well so war movies violent movies thriller movies nudity what do you say well I think if I were talking to him in the counseling office I would ask what is it about violent movies that interest you what does that do for you emotionally to watch violent movies because something is going on inside of him that even makes him attracted to those kind of movies now the nudity thing is another whole issue because that leads into pornography which is always detrimental for a marriage and it's all too common today in fact one of the deepest pains that a wife feels is when she finds out that her husband is addicted to porn and she's crying inside why does he have to turn to an unreal world when I'm here and I want to be his wife if that person were open to sitting down with someone who could ask honest questions of him he might come to understand himself better she will not understand him better until he would be able to reveal what what what is it that causes him to as it were if it's if it's every day for hours addicted to movies that have violence in it or nudity in it so I think getting to the root behind what motivates that Chris is the ultimate answer now whether he'd be willing to go talk with a counselor with her about that I don't know but it would be worth a try yeah she can't change her his behavior though let's say he's watching the living room and she walks in the house it's it's on and the noise you know if it's a war movie usually those rumble the walls you know because the of the explosions and all that you you can't just I mean you'd have to go outside the house to get away from it right yeah yeah you would so she's she's being forced to hear all this stuff even even though she's not not watching it with him and I don't know Chris you know whether he is a war veteran or not when it comes to war movies I think a person who has been in the war may be more drawn to see that because he sees himself in that it's kind of a reflection of what he went through but they're violent movies that have nothing to do with war you know and those those are ones I have more trouble personally understanding why would someone want to spend time watching people shoot each other and run into and wreck cars and I just but this is just a personal thing I never could understand why anybody would want to spend time watching that sort of thing and yet they're very very popular right so is a good tactic for her then when he's not watching something to sit down and say okay the same question about you know the the hallmark movie what is it that draws you to this help me understand a little more about you again non accusatory right yeah yeah yeah I think yeah I think that would be a good place to start and he may or may not be responsive I don't know it depends on probably the nature of the relationship right now if it's a healthy relationship and she asked that question he probably would try to think and answer the question if it's a trouble relationship he may take it as you know she's just being critical of me but it's always better to ask in a kind way than just to simply sit there and say well it bothers me but I'm not going to talk about it because I don't want to get into an argument right right well if you have a reaction to those questions or something else that's going on in your relationships here's our number one eight six six four two four Gary you can call and leave a message and you might hear an answer on the future program eight six six four two four Gary here's a wife who feels at a breaking point in her marriage and it's because of the conflict in that relationship hi Gary I just have a question my husband and I have been married for a little less than ten years and we've run into what seems like an impasse here conflict resolution has not been his strength we have struggled to resolve a lot of conflicts especially you know larger ones due to just continual defensiveness on his part deflection and just dismissal of my feelings now we are seeing a therapist marriage Christian therapist and it's been going okay but it's just gotten to the point where I feel like I can't really tolerate anymore I'm not exactly sure what to do I understand that there isn't much that someone can do when the significant other is not willing to change or at least recognize that there they have this consistent issue in resolving conflict but it's making it extremely hard for Christian women as myself to submit to someone who's dismissing of my feelings I would be more than grateful to take any advice you can give thank you very much well first of all I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a Christian counselor because I think there's real hope and I would not bail out on the counseling as long as he's willing to go with you even though you may not be seeing the progress you would like I would still go with him to counseling as long as he's open to going and I would be honest when you're in the counseling session about your own struggles and your own feelings because an outside party can help both of you understand each other better so I would continue that as long as he's willing to do it with you I think another approach would be to ask him would you be open to reading a book on marriage maybe just read a chapter a week and ask ourselves what can we learn from that chapter because most marriage books will deal with conflict among other things but if you're working through a book on other topics as well and and reading that chapter and then saying what what could we learn from this chapter that might be helpful to us and I think sometimes a husband's open to that if you just do a chapter a week or chapter every other week don't ask him read a whole book you know just chapter by chapter but if you begin to do that it gives you a context in which to discuss a particular topic about marriage and among those topics is going to be conflict resolution now the counselor will be able to determine what's going on inside of him that makes him so demanding that his way is always the right way because that's never ever a healthy pattern every marriage has conflicts because we're human and humans don't have the same thoughts they don't have the same feelings they don't have the same history and consequently we're going to have conflicts there's nothing wrong with conflicts but if we approach conflicts that we're going to be the winner of every argument then our spouse becomes a loser and that's what this wife is expressing I just feel like you know I'm a loser in his eyes and and and that that's not healthy for a marriage if you win she loses if he can understand that conflicts are normal and we have to learn how to listen empathetically to the other person so we begin to understand what their thoughts are and what their feelings are and then affirm them you know honey I can see how you'd feel that way I thought I can see how that makes sense you know now here's my perspective and then and then maybe you get to the place where you can honestly say okay now how can we solve the problem obviously we differ on it but how we're on the same team so let's not fight each other let's learn how to play together you know conflict resolution is a big issue in any marriage and most people intermarriage with very little knowledge of how to resolve conflicts they just know they want their way well that's selfishness it's the opposite of love love is always looking for an answer how we can work together as a team so I'd say counseling and working through a book like that would be two practical ways that you're more likely to find an answer we have had some difficult calls before we take a break how about a little humor our next caller is wondering if the sixth love language might be firewood hey Gary your book wasn't around when I was growing up and the second girl I dated was a redhead my dad's method of handling women was to raise his voice and kind of use his temper to get his way and I tried that with her and she exploded and I can still remember going out to the car to leave her house and I thought my goodness there's got to be a better way than this the little book stores here didn't have much of anything so I was out of luck on that another thing that happened later was that I had this girlfriend I was trying to figure out how to get her to stop being so suspicious of me thinking you know I was just out for one thing so she had mentioned at some point that she needed firewood and something about that you know it's been a few years remember exactly what she said but I didn't really think anything about it until about a month later I was thinking well I gotta figure out let's try something different I've been giving her gifts and stuff and she thought you know I just trying to manipulate her so I went and bought a truckload full of firewood and stacked it up behind her house and I did do it secretly anyhow when she noticed that she just went crazy and thought I was most wonderful thing of course that you know eventually I approved it that was the most wonderful thing but anyway I thought you might it's just enjoy that for a relaxing moment thanks for the work you do it's really terrific God bless you and crib well I appreciate that call you know firewood when we think of "The 5 Love Languages" that's two things one it's a gift because he bought it and took it to her it's an act of service because he stacked them up so she could easily get to them so he was speaking to love languages Chris but I'm also glad that he learned that his father's way of you know demanding and speaking louder to a woman trying to convince her is not the way to go it didn't work in his dating relationship it certainly doesn't work in marriage husband is not there to demand that his wife do anything he's there to love her as Christ loved the church we talked about that earlier and when we do that we're likely to find a wife who will reciprocate and show love to us this is Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman we've talked about the love languages today and if you would like to take an assessment of your love language absolutely free go to Building Relationships us you'll find more simple ways to strengthen relationships right there at Building Relationships dot us a featured resource today is the book by dr. Chapman and Randy southern 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories does that sound good you can go to Building Relationships dot us and find out more about 52 uncommon family adventures again go to Building Relationships dot us the love language is what a great concept but when your spouse won't speak yours well here's our next caller hi Gary my husband and I have been married for a year and a half and our big proponents of "The 5 Love Languages" we have a great relationship but I feel like he has a hard time speaking my love languages which often leaves me frustrated he speaks his really well which is acts of service but it doesn't do much for me I much prefer words of affirmation and physical touch I get really frustrated when he's not verbally or physically affirming me or seeking me as much as I would like which I'll admit is a lot but I find myself demanding love from him instead of focusing on his needs and trying to give love I really don't want to be a nag and I just want him to love me how I need it without having to remind him how can I encourage him to speak my love languages and how can I feel encouraged to speak his when my cup is empty thank you so much well it's an all too common situation Chris where a couple is familiar with the love language concept but one of them is not for whatever reason speaking the love language of the other person and their reasons for that first of all I think her understanding what the reasons might be would be helpful that is if he doesn't speak words of affirmation it maybe he didn't receive words of affirmation growing up so it's not natural for him to share words of affirmation it's something he will have to learn to do so it's much more difficult than just saying that he's not doing that the other factor is his personality may be what I call a Dead Sea you know the Dead Sea doesn't go anywhere it just sits there and some people have that kind of personality and he may have that personality where he's not he didn't have any compulsion to talk he's just happy to leave things in his mind just sit there and so he's influenced by his personality of course what I like to point out is we're not controlled by our personality we're influenced but not controlled so I think a good discussion about this with him maybe you've already tried that just to say honey you know we read that book on the love languages and we took the quiz and I really feel like and I'm trying to speak your language with acts of service do you feel you feel like I'm loving you through acts of service and if he gives a positive then to say to him well you know mine what at least one of them is words of affirmation and I don't feel like you give me many of those and I know I just wondering you know kind of how you feel about that see if you can have a good open conversation and it says that you're getting along pretty well so you probably have a positive atmosphere that could be helpful here's another approach you say to him on a scale of zero to ten how much love do you feel coming from me and he gives you a reading if he says anything less than ten you say well what could I do that might make you feel more loved now you do that a few times and chances are he'll start asking you that question he won't he won't respond the first time but you ask that over a period of time about once a week you ask him that question I'm going to guess that at least within a month he will ask you the same question on a scale of zero to ten how much love you feel coming from me and you can say honey now I'm gonna be honest I don't want to hurt you but I'm gonna be honest about a four and then the question is well what can I do to make you make you feel more loved and then you tell him on that particular day what would be the most important thing it may be words it may be physical touch but you just tell him so it's just a little way of opening up a conversation by asking the other person you know I use the love tank if you want to use the love tank instead of how much love do you feel coming from me how full is your love tank on a scale of zero to ten so that would be a good place to start as well but I'm glad you're concerned about it and you should be and you've been married a year and a half this is the time to be dealing with it rather than just going on for you know another year another six months and all and acting like everything's fine we don't make things better with ignoring them and when we bring them up it might be a little a little rough while we're talking about it but it's better to be talking about it and trying to find answers than it is to just ignore it because it gets worse if we don't deal with it now there's a skeptic who's listening who's saying I caught dr. Chapman I've known for since I've heard about this that "The 5 Love Languages" is manipulative you just proved it when you said you say this for a month and then he's gonna say this so you are manipulating him what do you say I would say you are influencing him and all of us are influenced every single day by the people that we encounter we have a negative influence on people or we have a positive influence on people we're not making people do anything but we are all influencing other people and here's the biblical concept love stimulates love the Bible says we love God because he first loved us somebody has to initiate love and when we feel loved we are drawn to the person who's loving us so it's just a it's just a reality that love stimulates love and any one of us can choose to love the other person because this kind of love is not a feeling this kind of love is an attitude I want to enrich your life I'm married to you I want to help you become the person that you believe God wants you to be and that attitude then leads to behavior and we choose our attitude every single day I think you just answered that skeptic if you are the skeptic and you want to call eight six six four two four Gary ask your question today or there's some other relational struggle that you're having one eight six six four two four Gary boy when I heard this fellas voice in this next call I just my heart went out to him what do you do when the rug gets pulled out from underneath you that's at his heart let's hear the next caller hi Gary I moved across the country for my fiance and I love her very much and I've done a lot we've been through a lot and recently and this is the second time this has happened she tells me that she's you know had feelings for another man hasn't done anything with her mother but has had feelings for another man and she feels guilty about it and after all this he's saying that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore so she doesn't want to be in a relationship and I feel like it hurts me more for her to leave but I also understand how she feels but it also puts me in a real bad position because I have no support out here I'm pretty scared on what's happening and I would I just really appreciate your opinion on this thank you Gary well first of all I'm empathetic with this caller because it's very very disappointing when you have romantic love feelings for another person you're dating them and apparently he said my fiance apparently they've they've talked about marriage and agreed to marry someday and now she's breaking up the relationship that is a very very painful experience and there's no way to take away the pain I mean it just it's just there we have to walk through the pain and many of us have been through those kind of experiences and we later look back on it and we're glad that they did break up with us because we realize that had we gone with them with with other things in their personality would have been bad for us yeah that's why I wrote a book some time ago called things I wish I'd known before we got married and I've had couples who say you know we began to work through that book and we decided that we would we would we want to end our relationship because there were just things that we were too far apart on so we're all in our culture at least tend to be make decisions based on these romantic feelings that we have for the other person and it's real and it's wonderful but those those kind of feelings that has the average lifespan of two years they don't last forever and that's why sometimes we ignore other things about the person that we don't pay attention to and we make poor decisions and we end up marrying somebody that later on we realize oh man that there's things here I didn't realize we differ on so many things so I would say if she's choosing to call off the relationship I would say first of all you have to accept it because you don't want to marry somebody's you're trying to make them marry you no that's not good so I would say just recognize it as one of the pains in relationships and if people date they're likely to have at least one breakup along the line and of course you're isolated out there you don't know anyone you know the best decision may be to go back to where you do know some people and where that's home or wherever and yeah some people might question you and say some things to you about why did you come back and all that but listen face reality accept it ask God to help you and if you know Christ let realize that if this is what he allows to happen her walk away from you ultimately it's going to be for your good the pain is hard it's going to take time but you'll come through it and there may be somebody even where he is now if he hasn't relocated at a church of a man pastor some men's group you know people who could come around side alongside him and with technology you know you can you can see people across the country and talk with friends but that's what scared me the most about his call not that she pulled the rug out from under him but that he was so alone with this yeah yeah yeah it's very very difficult when you're alone and you don't have anybody's you can talk to about it so if you have some old friends back home you know contact them and and spend time talking with them facetime with them and to share share with them don't don't carry the burden by yourself if you don't have close friends back home what you're saying Chris is a good idea if you're not already involved in a local church get involved there's probably a men's group there and and you'll find somebody that you will feel free that you can talk with and share with me it may even end up being the pastor at least begin with being a pastor this is Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" our featured resource today is 52 uncommon family adventures find out more at Building Relationships us that's Building Relationships dot us addictions will affect your relationships boy will they ever what about this situation that's brought up by our next caller hi Gary my question in regards to "The 5 Love Languages" is how do you navigate around a partner who has an addiction to gambling and trying to sort that out so that our relationship can grow closer because I know his love languages he knows mine but we get tripped up when he falls prey to his gambling which is obviously affecting our relationship thank you have a good day Chris you know any addiction whether it's alcohol drugs gambling or anything else will cause a problem in a marriage because when we become obsessed and that's essentially what addiction is it's an obsession with something that you have to do it you're just pressed to do it and usually because it brings some sense of pleasure to you and you know alcohol drugs yeah there's a moment of pleasure in that but obviously it's tremendously destructive gambling is similar in that same sense in that there's a positive something that he gets from that if he wins maybe it's that thrill of winning but you can't make somebody break an addiction but you can share with them the hurt the pain that this causes you and you can ask them if they would be open to talking to a Christian counselor about it again many times there's a person who's addicted it's not willing to go talk to somebody about it I know what I want to do I'm gonna do it don't tell me what to do well that kind of attitude about anything is destructive in a marriage so I would say don't hit him over the head don't don't preach to him but let him know your feelings about it and how it affects you if you can recommend a counselor or a pastor that by giving him a name and a phone number you're at least making it easy for him to call somebody and to make an appointment I wouldn't I wouldn't ignore it and just let it go without talking about it anymore because it will ultimately get worse any addiction gets worse it never just gets better on its own the person has to come to the end of themselves and realize I have got a problem and I need to get help on it any addiction can be broken with the help of a counselor or the help of God but it's not simply going to go away just with the passing of time so I would not ignore it I would try to lovingly confront and encourage him to reach out for help and if you don't know of anyone in your area who is a Christian counselor or a pastor then I would call a local church and ask if they know anyone any Christian counselor in the area who might help with this sort of thing it's not that difficult you can also go online American Association of Christian counselors aacc.org I think that's the website and put in your mailing address and they will tell you the Christian counselors in your area and give you the contact information that's really good I find it also helpful when people tell their stories and I think we've even had this here of husband and wife telling you know one person had an addiction for this or that and to hear their stories into how they in real life climbed out of this but I you know gambling is ubiquitous now Gary there's so many the rules that have been taken away not just for the casino but you know sports gambling we'll give you $500 and you can do this and I saw one person on Facebook say I had to give this up and he said it wasn't because I was losing money was because I was winning I'm really good at this you know predicting these sports things so you can get really good and you can make money at this but he said I saw what it was doing on the inside I was thinking about it all the time and I don't want to live that way and you can't make somebody see that can you no you can't Chris you can pray that God will open their eyes if you know someone else who has had that addiction and is now on the other side of that for trying to bring them into play and let your husband talk with them that could be helpful because as you said personal stories often can have a positive influence on another person that website again is a acc o RG we have time for one more call oh the loss was so hard the lack of answers was even harder here's our final caller today hi Gary my question is I'm grieving the loss of a friendship that I have had no explanation for it whatsoever just cut off with no explanation it still brings me to tears when I think about it I've reached out and asked did I do something did I say something I want to know because I want to ask for forgiveness just a very short curt answer was nothing nothing on this end or whatever and that's it no contact no nothing so I'm grieving that loss just wondering if you have any advice thank you well you speak of the value of friendships first of all because they are valuable we are made to live in community and so when you have a close friend who just shuts you off all of a sudden it is very very painful and when you ask you know if I've offended you or let me know because I want to ask forgiveness you've taken the right step you can't make the person you know tell you what you've done or haven't done and in this case they're saying nothing you know and on the other hand you don't know the mind of the heart of the other person there may be someone else in their life that has given them information or at least ideas as to why they ought to break off with you you know sometimes it's a there if it's a married person sometimes their spouse is complaining that you're spending so much time with so-and-so you know and they've heard that so long that they just decide they're going to cut it off so you don't ever know what's in the other person's mind but obviously if you do what you've already done that is reach out to them and and offer to deal with whatever you may have done that's caused them to make this decision that's the first step you can take and sometimes that's the only step you can take sometimes at that point you simply have to release the person to God and you're essentially saying to God Lord you know how much this friendship met to me how close I thought we were and you know how deeply I'm hurting in this situation now if there's anything else that I can do please bring it to my mind but if not then I want to release this person to you you know what's going on inside of them I don't know but I want to release them to you and if you have to do that every day you for a while just I want to release them to you Lord release them to you you love them work in their heart whatever need whatever they need work in their heart and work in their life and just recognize this is a loss that you've experienced in life we will all experience losses in our lives sometimes it's a friend sometimes it's a spouse that walks out on us sometimes it's a spouse who dies sometimes it's a child who dies sometimes it's a job that we lost but we're all going to experience losses throughout life and every loss is going to be painful we're human we're emotional it's going to be painful but when we've done everything we know to do on our side to try to heal the relationship whatever it is if it's a death of course we know they're not coming back they're dead but it's going to be painful but we can walk through the pain because there is life after the loss and God will walk with us you know through the pain that we're experiencing we're not denying the pain we're just sharing it with God and if you have other friends that you're close with you can share the pain with them as well and maybe there's someone else that can walk with you through the pain because they too have likely experienced loss I find the story of the prodigal son really helpful here because the the father must have felt the same way you know grieved at the son who went away and squandered you know his inheritance but he was ready you know he was ready for that just on the on the glimmer on the horizon of him walking back there so you can be ready for that friend to come back and and find some resolution but that's no guarantee it might not happen and that's really hard well it is hard Chris but you know when you've done everything you can do what she she has done when she moved out and offered to make restitution you can't force somebody to stay in a relationship we're human and even though people make very very poor decisions people are free to make decisions before we conclude today I want to give you our number where you can leave a question for dr. Chapman one eight six six four two four Gary this is not a counseling line we can't call you back but we'd love to hear your question maybe in response to something that happened here today eight six six four two four four two seven nine and don't forget our featured resource 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories you'll find it at the website Building Relationships dot us and next week an amazing story of life in the midst of a cancer diagnosis don't miss our summer best of conversation with calling child in one week big thank you today to our production team Steve wick and Janice backing Building Relationships with dr. Gary Chapman is a production of moody radio in association with moody publishers a ministry of moody Bible Institute thanks for listening