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Breaking the People Pleasing Habit

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
December 4, 2021 1:00 am

Breaking the People Pleasing Habit

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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December 4, 2021 1:00 am

Are you a people pleaser? Is that making you feel overwhelmed, burned out and pulled in too many directions?  On today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author and speaker Karen Ehman offers practical advice on how to break free from the pleasing game. If making others happy is making you miserable, don’t miss the conversation.

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If making others happy making you miserable. We need to realize that sometimes were draining our very souls because were chasing this people pleasing or chasing being like, and instead, we need to know when to say yes how to say no and make sure were doing what God calls us to, which does not drain our souls that actually energizes us and makes us feel welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today author and speaker Karen Eamon will join us to talk about breaking the pattern of people pleasing you can live competently. Find your latest book is our featured resource of five love when making others happy is making you miserable and break the pattern of people pleasing confidently live your life. Five love

I've never asked you this. Have you ever struggled with people pleasing like there's a sense in which most people, especially Christians because we want to serve people. We have a concept that I think sometimes we can begin to sense like you know if I don't serve everybody comes Loma paragraph about pleasing God. So just like different personnel's course of a greater struggle with that.

But think about it to us and to a degree, especially Christians have that sense of this of God. Do this for the note and consequently sometimes you omit things are more important in your luggage. I'm excited about this conversation today, I am too but you didn't answer my questions on the push past pastors can get into that unless I'm serving everybody every need. That comes to me and if you've got a congregation you know of any size. Even if you have a small congregation.

You can't meet everybody's need. Right you think it's more of a struggle with a small congregation because I do remember way back when partial little church about 100 people do not preach every Sunday morning. Every Sunday night. Everyone tonight all the funerals. All the weddings all hospital visits. Yeah, you could have the sense of the whole place, depended almost galore in the bulletin. 30% of the members of the years curious whether using the mimeograph machine is 2107. Every time you know what I we say on the program.

He is a New York Times best-selling author. Our guest is a New York Times best-selling author to her name is Karen Eamon she's a Proverbs 31 ministries speaker or writer for encouragement for today which is online devotional that reaches more than 4 million people every day just written 17 books including keep it shut. Pressing pause and keep showing up.

I love those titles. Karen's passion is to help women live their priorities as they reflect the gospel to a watching world.

She married her college sweetheart, Todd, and she's the mother of three mom in law of to our featured resources I mentioned is when making others happy is making you miserable. How to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life you find out more at will Karen, welcome to Building Relationships well. Thanks so much like let's begin with a little bit about you and your family and your writing for those who aren't familiar with you. Who is Karen Eamon. Well I live in Michigan right in the middle and the Michiganders always have our maps but I like to think of us as America's high five Michigan my whole life and heart three adult children to buy marriage, although sometimes I forget which are which I just like the same amount of five now which is wonderful and fun and I do speak and write for Proverbs 31 ministries and I just love encouraging people I love antique hunting and I love the Detroit Tigers house that you are a self proclaimed people pleaser does what you mean about that and why trying to make others happy. Often backfires. While I have struggled with people pleasing all my life began when I was young in elementary school I wanted to make sure that my teachers were happy with my grades and behavior, and quite a rule follower the boat I wanted to make sure my peers liked me and that only got worse.

The older I got into middle school and high school and college and I fell into this pattern of just feeling like I was responsible for everybody's happiness. I stopped. I never learned how to say no. I just started this pattern is always saying yes to people and in some way. I feel like it just it made me feel important and needed and I just didn't like the feeling of disappointing someone or upsetting them or anchoring them and so I just never let it happen, but it became a struggle that that really was threatening to not only make me miserable, but to affect my health as well.

So I knew I had to do something about it that a lot of our listeners are just thinking about themselves. So under their want to hear the rest of the story. So how did you realize that something needed to change in your life about three and half years ago I was in a season of sorrow. My father had just passed away. It was also a season of excitement. Our first child is getting married and moving to a new town town we moved closer to my father and my stepmom and my mother town and I was still saying yes to everything and everybody happy and it was a simple request that came my way from my best friend from college. She wanted to know if I would help her with something that summer had everything within me missing don't say no say no but of course my mouth and outcome of the word. I used to sing so often.

Yes, and I hung up the phone.

I knew I had answered wrongly. I went out to the fire pit in the back of our property and I just sat there and bald and I thought I got to stop this. I've got to stop saying yes to everything and in the next few days knowing that I made the wrong decision, but too chicken to call her back.

I started having some physical things happen. I couldn't sleep.

My left eye was twitching, so I knew that these physical Manas stations were screaming at me that I needed to stop this pattern of behavior. So you decided to make a major change life reset toes about the quote summer of necessary and no. Yes, so this time was at the very beginning of the summer was almost Memorial Day. And as I took a few days to stew about it and then make the right decision about husband about. I realize that I needed to do something and I really felt like God was calling me to season for me. That was a summer necessary and you know what I mean by that is that I was to do only what was necessary for my family, my home and my ministry. My job was to say no to everything else for three months, even if it was something simple like making cookies for the toddler class at church tonight. Been doing this since I became a Christian at the age of 16 I been saying yes to everything, especially at church and with friends and neighbors and I knew that I needed to call back and just clear ice. My schedule clear my response place just for three months to give myself and my my soul a little time to rest. So for three months.

I backed out of everything and I didn't take on anything new.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" .

Karen Eamon is joining us today author when making others happy is making you miserable.

How to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life.

Find out more about it@

Odorless mentioned respondent to things or people asked her to church. Let's talk about the people pleasing the church. As Christians we are we supposed to get along with others and could be considered and try to help them to help them how to do put those two together. I think about people pleasing, especially when it comes to being a Christian. It's almost like it's a strength gets carried to an extreme. And now it becomes while we don't think the word weakness in our house become non-strengths, not so when you think about us as believers you know where supposed to live were supposed to lay down our lives for others were supposed to serve and help and things are wonderful and it's truly God providing the opportunity for us to love and serve and help. And it's not doing it just because we feel like were expected to, or because we feel like everyone to like us or we don't want to get response from someone that shows that they're upset with their little angry or whatever. I feel like we are sometimes doing a lot of the right things that were doing the wrong reason. Of course we want to love and serve and play our role in the body of Christ, but we don't have to do everything every single need is not necessarily our call we need to make sure were only responding to the ones that are ours to sometimes hard to figure out what that is is you realigned your life and began to say no how difficult did you catch yourself saying yes you even after you those three months. The two made the commitment wanted to tell you right now that first, probably two or three weeks was supposed so hard because just to just being involved in everything and being the center of everything and helping with everything and when I started to back out on some things. I started to free up some time and I started to realize that the world can go on without me. I don't have to always be helping with everything I'm saying. It honestly felt very strange, but after a while, there was this, this sense of call that came over me and I no longer felt like I had this frenzy in my and my soul to help you know I just really would go to the word first rather than just do what I thought was expected to me I would go to Florida State to help or you know, am I to just sit this one out first time in a long time. It was strange but the calm that came to my soul was something that had been missing for my life for Mark for really long time to conceive. What's the difference between being a people pleaser big God pleaser when you know they're not always mutually exclusive.

There are sometimes yes our pleasing another person is pleasing to God.

But it all comes down to the motives why are we doing it every doing it to either elicit a response from someone we want them to like us. We want them to think were capable, or where compassionate, overconfident, or are we doing it to prevent a response. We don't want them to be upset. We don't want them to be disappointed you don't want them to be sad when we are truly doing something because we feel God calling us to me are doing it for him, and as a result the other person is pleased then those lineup and those are okay, but it's when those two things are in opposition to each other and we know that our saying yes is not what God is calling us to do. In fact, he's been colonists slowdown, but we say yes. Anyway, that's when those two are in opposition to each other.

You you you had to face some internal figures in the process of relinquishing his people pleasing.

What fears did you have well with my outgoing personality and people loving ways.

Honestly, one of them was I just said that a cult following SOM all the fear of missing out.

When I wasn't involved in everything I thought to be the center of that activity or that you know function and like that I thought could really miss this for my life but I found out that wasn't the case necessarily. Sometimes I actually ended up liking the extra time that it created in my schedule. I feared upsetting people I feared disappointing people.

I feared sometimes angering them then. I don't mean in a way that's unhealthy, but you need to get help. Just to eat, and I feel like with people pleasing sometimes were afraid of having to explain ourselves further.

So sometimes we make it seem likely. Think a when really we think be. We just cannot let it go because if they really knew me, thought being a might asked us to explain ourselves.

Further, especially if it's a hot topic or political issue think there's a lot of different fears that are wrapped up in the reasons that we people place you speak aloud to two women you think women have more trouble with, you know, I think sometimes it's because where women and were expected to do a lot of things, not only outside the home in the home and so we have a lot of different things we have to juggle and feel like we have to make sure that you know everybody's happy. Everybody's taking care of but I think it's almost based more in personality because I know some women who do not at all like my daughter 100%. She's 30 years old. She does not at all struggle with people pleasing, but I know that I have assigned sometimes I think it's it's based on our goals and what's expected of us as men and women but a lot more think it's really our personalities doing the directions will personnel to reduce the impact of course you know personality is difficult to understand. Sometimes segments to the demo book to you do agree I think me and can do can be people pleasers just as much as what the lease is my perspective, my and I also think it's not always the same personality type. Some people are helpers and they people please because I want to help you know some people are peacemakers and they people please because they don't want to be happy and some people are perfectionists to them. Perfect is when there's no drama in your life and everybody likes you know so it's not always the same personality type.

But there are different facets of our personalities that tempt just to be a people pleaser would you do get in here with birth order to firstborn middle child, young child, I wonder Gary if if you've ever thought about this with the love languages.

For example, if you have acts of service as your love language and you are at some event and nobody's cleaning up afterwards that you might jump because you feel that that's what your love languages do you think that comes in here as well recruit her crucial because it affects your love language. The new tenders speak it to other people and consequently there's always things to do your where you are.

There's always going to be to be done and so yeah I think there could be a paralegal or a person who has quality time necessarily wouldn't be as likely to jump in and overload themselves perhaps because there were they enjoyed more extended time with one person is doing several things for several people go little layers to this whole thing were talking with Karen Eamon today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, the of featured resources. Her book when making others happy is making you miserable. I love that title. How to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life you find out more at go to five love should occur when you quit trying to make everyone else happy. Some people were too thrilled about you describe some of this in a chapter entitled pushers, powders, guilt, bombers and others who try to call the shots. Tell us more about where mentioning that sometimes people pleasing is based on our personality. Sometimes the people who are tempting us to people place they have their own set of personalities to and I can categorize them as I looked over my life and types of people had the most trouble with the first are the pushers.

They are the ones that are kinda dominant little bit bossy and you don't like that feeling of being back in a corner and being pushed to do something so you just kinda given and do what they want. The pushers get their way by stomping their feet, but the second category is the powders they don't stamp their feet. They drop their smile and so you don't want them contribute to their sadness especially is there somebody who truly has been a victim in life and got a lot of other things in their life that are disappointing to them or that didn't turn out the way they hoped and there's a lot of sadness in their life while you don't want to contribute to their sadness and you now if you say no to them drop their smile and you tend to get in.

There is also guilt bombers, you know, I'm sure we can think of that person in our life that makes us feel guilty, whether it's overtly or kinda subtly reading between the lines. There are coming drop to guilt us to get us to do what they want us to do and then that category that I really saw the most in my life. It's I just made up a term form helping with what's the right term to use, but I called them the me first maximizers and those of the people that surface facing very delightful and helpful. Even the you know really I'm hard-working and pleasant when ever there's a situation where somebody has to do more work or spend more money or you know get the smaller piece of the pie. They make sure that it's never that they can somehow finagle things so that they always come out on top and you always get the short end of the stick and those people that I had the hardest time with a calm to me first maximizers wonder see themselves falling some of what looks like a pretty common good and right, people would push to bossy and those who will discover pile going to withdraw and pelt you make you feel guilty. I was sent some of us are doing fine with this, though, smart phones, smart phones, allows to demand attention every minute of the others if you will allow them to. So how do you stick to your priorities. When people can have access to you all day long every day. Having this age of digital in our lives has really only complicated things to think about back in the day when you and I were both younger way probably had a line in our home right so I get a hold of you. I had to call your landline and it was even outfitted with the answering machine that let's go back that far. So you can pick up the recycling was on to continue to contact you until I got to pick up all things are so now now people have myriad of ways that they can contact us. They can shoot us a text leave us a direct message on social media as a voicemail sent us an email and I almost feel like people are putting things on my to do list that I never asked for permission especially like in the mornings.

I keep my phone plugged in in the kitchen when I walk out there in the morning and I take out of airplane mode dozens of things do their daily dance down from the top of my screen and it's like somebody has taken the pencil out of my hand when I'm writing my to do list on my old-fashioned legal pad like I like to do and names written things on my list sent me this link.

Hey give me that recipe. Hey, I need you to do this and the burden is now on us to get back in either say okay or to say no way.

And so because they can contact us and they feel like they have instant access to most everyone thinks place I catch them right back. It's really kind of made this whole temptation to people. Please, even harder than it used to be. In the past so you figured out a bit of fun with what you say you you select respond to you why it's hard because again I think people feel like you have instant access to the phone and especially there, somebody who is never without the phone and they respond immediately to people they find it very strange when you don't. So I've learned. Even though I might have time to respond to somebody's text message I will await. I try to return text messages in the evening and so people are kind of getting that the hints that Jan might text her at 11 AM but I'm not hear back from her until after the birthdays done needed to start setting up some patterns of people know what to expect really can be just moment by moment you're getting to ask for some kind of message is if you just respond to the be all you do. 20 this is this is touching a lot of us you can direct it is that you were to call the fabulous fibber Phyllis about the value of sitting in church one Sunday morning I usually left sitting at my church.

But the pastor wandered off on a tangent and was talking about people pleasing and he made the statement just kinda off the coffee said you know people pleasers. They often lie and I'm telling you I felt like those spotlights that were normally shining on the stage where that was suddenly had dropped swiveled and they were shining me and everybody knew he was talk about me because I thought of how many times I shade the truth I dress up a little. I find your for just a little because I feel like it's for a good reason like you don't want to hurt someone's leanings. I don't want to set them, but I had to come to the reality in this whole journey of learning to break free from the present of people pleasing that a lot of the time. There was some dishonesty to my people pleasing.

I was saying what someone else wanted to hear rather than what I truly felt. And that's being deceptive. This affect your family and your home and pulling the people pleasing your husband respond to this. How do children react to this. My husband very sweetly kinda said it's about time you see me hang up the phone. Sometimes even years ago when I told him a little and I said yes to something else go. How in the world I find time to do that.

I really like them. Their new friend at church and okay and I just kept feeling like I can keep piling things on my plate. I never thought to remove anything to my plate before I took something new on or to say now I don't want that new thing on my plate because I was so sure that I was so clever and capable than if I just rearranged everything on the plate somehow.

Well then he was like, I'm glad you finally think this is been an issue for a long time.

He's pretty laid-back and not a pusher in my face that lets me learn my own lessons because of our kids are kids were over the moon happy because honestly you know I don't cry about it makes me want to cry. There were so many times I was saying yes to things outside my four walls just so someone would like me just so they would think I was all that bag of chips and I was saying no to my children and I was putting them on the back burner to run off and save the world and it was very eye-opening to me that I had been doing that relies don't understand hand modeling a life of ministry before them right.

But they all were like mom were so glad that you not overextending yourself anymore and you have more time to be present here with us.

Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find us online@ you'll see our featured resource there the book by Karen Eamon when making others happy is making you miserable. How to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life find it@ terrorism listening to you tell your story and I love what you said your your family how they responded to you they were seeing this I phrase you used a minute ago the prison of people pleasing the hard part of this whole thing is that the prison is not made by somebody else. It's our own choices. The bars are up there, but the good part of that is that we have the power to simply by saying no to pull those bars down right I like to think of image of nowhere in this president, people pleasing were trapped inside if we just looked down and there and we hold the key. We've got the key, but we're just not using when using it.

We just keep saying yes to keep pleasing everybody we keep thinking no everyone's happiness is our job and we don't realize that we hold the key, and we can bust out of that prison people pleasing without help. Of course, but it starts with us earlier posters talked about the post root cannot tell you how many times in my counseling office wives of posters said to me, things like my husband has a mistress I'm shocked intrusive is the church.

She feels that he gives more importance to the church and pleasing the people of the church is her turn. You just talk about how that works in the family with your children but I think posters can identify with this. There's a huge temptation to come across that way that we respond yes to everybody in the church and then ignore our spouse and sometimes we so well you notice much of a middle have to do this you will listen. The pastor chooses to do said we would choose it, are items right we we choose what we will we do what we don't do in the corollary that adds to that Gary is all this is theological construct, and we I think everything is theological and somewhere another, but Karen answered that question if if I believe it's all on me and I act as if it's all on me that I don't allow God to be the person that can come alongside somebody else who struggling LOL God's sovereign hand to to reach out because I feel like it's all I'm sovereign that's hard but you're exactly right. We take the place of God. We think we can be everywhere know everything everything that's that's really his job, not ours, will you ride I'm quoting here. We teach others how to treat us expandable.

That's actually something a friend of mine said to me probably 10 years ago when she realized that I was quite a people pleaser. Just trying to help me out and she made a statement to me one day. I know it's not original to her somebody famous. Once upon a time probably set it but she said a statement. Can you teach people how to treat you just that I'm just making observation you teach them how to treat you by what you allow what you don't allow by how quickly respond by how often you say yes and it's true.

I mean, I bet all of us on this caller listening to us talk here can think of somebody in our life that if I said you to give you $100. If you text somebody in your contact list and they text you immediately back we'll know who would be a tax write that person and on the other hand, if I were to say okay to give you hundred dollars if you text somebody that doesn't respond for a day or two I can think in my mind with my family rarely responds for a couple days and guess what both those people have done. They taught me how to treat them if I need something right away am a go to person in the first person to respond, but go to that person because I need something right now and I'm not talking about a dire need, like I was just in a car accident, but finding sale.

My family was talking about some movie this weekend and they all remember the name of that and I can't remember the name of that now I know text one Sunday because he rarely ties to his text messages. He's talking I know I'm getting go to the other side who has lifestyle where he can have more often, and he tends to text, so we do by our behavior, we teach people how to treat us and they push the envelope with us because guess what will be shocked. She always responds what's wrong. She should know. Okay, how does enforcing boundaries on this is somewhat what were talking about coders enforcing boundaries work in this whole process. Yet I feel like with boundaries. I like to think of it as sending out a syllabus now was when you were in high school or college and that teacher or professor gave you a syllabus. This is what you can expect this semester. In this course by our behavior.

We are sending out a syllabus to the people in our lives. What we will allow and tolerate and what we won't allow and won't tolerate and when we learn and I'm preaching to myself on this link.

I'm terrible boundaries. Much better than I was five years ago.

But when we learn to have healthy boundaries in place there not only help us but they can help other people because they will know how they can treat us and how they can behave around us and what we will and won't allow it works for everybody and it betters our relationships when we have clear, healthy, totally out of the world boundaries where we won't help any way like I don't ever make it sound like we shouldn't live in help and serve and please other people. At times we should, but is knowing when we're doing it for God. And when were doing it just to be liked and so having those boundaries in place cannot host us ourselves to not cross them and to not kind of veer off into the people pleasing lifestyle again because we put some different parameters in place.

It was an example of boundary here in this country. Well, let's go back to our cell phones. You know I taught people how to treat me with my cell phone the first time I had one you know I was just tethered to the thing is like a force for appendage right and so I had to learn to set some boundaries and some people in my life now know, unless it's an emergency. I'm not going to text you back until after 5 PM when works done in it might not be after until after 6 PM when dinner is also so that's just a boundary. I'm not going to pick up. I'm not put out your fire that you started yourself your emergency, you know, because of the lack of planning on your part doesn't now mean American emergency on my part, but I gotta run rescue. I'll be polite, and I will be helpful as I can when I'm done with my workday, so don't expect you text back at 11 o'clock, and it sometimes because we all have different lifestyles and there are some people have a lot more free time than you do. And so they just think it's strange when you are you now playing around on YouTube and watching videos and texting them right back. They don't realize what's really going on in the other end of that phone that you have a job that you're caring for young children or whatever it is that has you tied up and so just putting some kind of boundary actually have a friend who she only answers emails on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, she only responds to social media message on Tuesday or Thursday. She's a lot of boundaries in place mine just basically is here for me. Tell after the workdays done to posters we consider boundary Tuesday nights we were there was the whole church knows that their lives log viticultural dues to listen to the emergency to events like the tour, edition this just so you all know Most dire emergency program logo but be responding to people except those things when we share them in the right context and with the right spirit when it comes to saying no to others, you claim that I'm quoting here, you can still say yes to a friendship while also saying no to that request.

What is it look like we know for so many years. I bought the lie that if I didn't say yes to my friends all the time that my friendship with them is in jeopardy. Like maybe not that they were going to totally dump me not want to be my friend anymore, but that there might be some awkwardness going forward in our friendship, but one of the biggest lessons I learned from that summer of the necessary and no wise that my true friends were seven to be my true friends. There were some people that didn't understand when I told him that summer.

I can't help you this summer.

I can't volunteer this so I can't do that. Some of them slipped the scene because you know what they weren't really my true friend.

They were just hanging around me because I said yes all the time and help them lighten their load but those friends who were my true friends they cared about my mental health and my emotional well-being and they wanted me to build some margin in my day and I've learned those if they asked me something and I really feel like it's not my calls not what I'm supposed to do.

The Lord leading this way I can honestly say no to the request yesterday friendship by saying well help brainstorm who you might well she might ask or I will certainly be praying that you find the right person for that job. I can still love them and care about them and ask how that situations going that project they're working on.

Whatever I can still say yes to the friendship, but say no to that request. I don't always say yes this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our guest is another New York Times best-selling author Karen Eamon, author of when making others happy is making you miserable.

How to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life. It's our featured resource@ Just before the break.

You said that if it's really your friend. You can say no and maybe you can help the problem solver. Whatever the what you just described. There was that's really hard to have the wherewithal to say I can't do what you're asking me to, and I'm still your friend. I hope you'll like me. Hope you still like me, that's kind of a vulnerable place to be and what I found out the most is suggesting very very honest and say everything with any right now wants to say yes like my heart totally wants to just jump right in and help you and say yes to request but I know my limitations. I know you know how much white space. I have my schedule and I know that this request it.

It deserves the attention and the focus from somebody that really can do it and that's just not me.

So it's not good for me if I said yes and it's really not any good for you because I can't give this project the focus and attention it deserves. So even though my heart wants to say yes because I love you so much. You are such a great friend. I know I have to say no yes there are some women of this world who feel would be nice to people requires that you have to be available 24 seven. Especially if it's friends and family in crisis. So how can the constant availability actually hinder the other person's growth and I've actually had this happen two or three times in the last 15 to 20 years in my life and it was always when I had a friend who is going through a very rough and unwanted divorce everything within them wanted to stay married, but all three situations.

There was infidelity on the partner's part and they came to me for comfort and for advice and for prayer and for a listening ear and with all of them there. They wanted to come to give the blow by blow play-by-play of what was happening as they call me and this happened in London this and they said that they were calling you.

I had one friend was calling multiple times a day and I felt like it was the right thing to pick up the phone because you know it says here that I finally realized that I was preventing them from running to God the place they should've been headed in the first place because I was picking up the phone and they were running to me and I was just given them a little temporary Band-Aid that fell off they needed to learn to run to God and so I had to put some boundaries in place and I had to have a hot conversation with one of them and say I love you so much for this is healthy for you is not healthy for me. I really think you need some professional counseling and so they start going to a counselor and got so much better for them because I know license trained counselor. I think sometimes we step in and prevent people from running to the Lord because were right there to rescue them. God uses the counselor was trying to do what exactly you have agreed your system that you use to determine what to say yes to you desert will decide myself some questions whenever I'm asked to take on responsibility or to help with the project or take on a roll and the first one you know kind of sound like a Sunday school answer been deliberate to pray about this decision but about daily decisions in my life have I been deliberate in the morning say Lord today. A lot of request to come my way. Perhaps please let me now tap me on the heart when they're coming from you and I should say yes and help me to know when they're not mine to do and I need to just boldly lightly say no I course you know as myself is violate anything laid out in Scripture we don't want to do that so we need to make sure for thinking that through and have we taken time to ponder and pray about the specific request slang out of pro and con still like we learned when we were younger on the left-hand side of the page.

All the pros of saying yes to this. On the right-hand side of the common sometimes just hanging there and writing helps us.

I also asked myself, you know, if I really factored in, saying yes to this commitment is going to do to my other goals and commitments, especially to my family, so whenever we say something were saying no to something else because of working to spend two hours a week on this new project will that's two hours we have to say no to something else. So factor then also you know, ask yourself, might you be able to grant the request. If you didn't delegate something else that's already on your plate. Sometimes we call to take on a new task but we first need to take something else off of my plate and then also I like to just remind myself you know. Ask myself, have I solicited input from others to know have my best interest at heart, and they will be very prayerful with me to pray about this request. Sometimes they can see angles of it that I can't see myself about the situation of the person situation to show you your book offers seven quote stop it.

Statements for recovering people pleasers.

We do share your favorite Warner Arabia to three of those sure well what part of people pleasing is what we've been talking about a lot saying yes to someone because we want to please them, but the side of it sometimes is that we should be saying yes to something God is calling us to do, but were so worried about the reaction of someone else and whether or not they approve of that that we sorta say no to God. So one of these stop statements I like to think of them is 11 sentence sermons I preached myself is this that you don't need that person's permission to do God's well if God is really calling you to do something friends walking through this with being called the foster care, but she knows her think she's not so she doesn't need their permission to do that as well, if that's what God is really calling her to do so. That's one of them. You don't either permission to do God's well and then another one that I preached myself often is this my friend Becky said this to me years and years ago. Don't take on more than you can pray for and what I mean by that is with every new responsibility that comes your way you can have the task you have the people involved in the task. Those people are going to have things going on there like they might be attentive to praying for. So if you take on the time to take to pray about your roles and tasks and responsibilities and the people you're involved, then maybe you shouldn't take on the task.

So don't take on more than you can pray for those extremely helpful want to get your book because those things are very very practical. You invite women to take time to stop the siphoning of their souls, what is that many do you feel that it's when we are constantly trying to make everyone happy or caring so much about other people's emotions and in their responsibilities and their tasks and making sure that that we brush in there and help that we don't realize that in doing that we are neglecting our own souls, our own emotions our own capacity that we have and so we need to not put ourselves first, we need to realize that sometimes were draining our very souls because were chasing this people pleasing or chasing being liked and instead we need to know when to say yes and how to say no and make sure were doing what God calls us to, which does not drain our souls and actually energizes us and it makes us feel that we are doing our part time at school, but could do so. Just a word about the role model of Jesus as a potential dystopic you know anything about Jesus. He had lots of people in his life and he had a packed agenda while he was on earth, but he didn't seem to get tripped up.

You know he knew when it was time to pour into his 12 disciples, or when it was time to speak to the crowds or when he needed a pull on back and be alone with God. Or maybe just spend time with his his three closest disciples. James and John.

He seemed to be able to do this without getting exhausted and without you know over serving that can be sad and I think it's because he had such a close relationship with the father he knew when to pour in and when to draw back to do the same thing you know he never diverted from his mission, but he knew how to interact with people and when it was okay to just be alone and be with the board to good observation. Thanks for being with us today. This book and the message is going to talk to a lot of people, like a lot of people Russell with all of us to some degree.

Russell wonder so you soap for what you have done in terms of your own life.

Ensuring this comes up with the thank you so much for having latest news when making others happy is making you miserable to break the pattern of people pleasing confidently live your life. Five love five lovely stock next week. You stop striving. Don't miss the conversation with Erica Wiggin morning, one week, I thanks to Janice Todd and Steve went for their work behind the scenes building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman action radio in association with the public ministry of Moody Bible and thankfully

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