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Dad and Daughter Conversations - Michelle Canfield

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
October 2, 2021 1:45 am

Dad and Daughter Conversations - Michelle Canfield

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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October 2, 2021 1:45 am

It’s all about dads and daughters on today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. A dad is so important to a daughter’s life, but most dads have a hard time connecting heart to heart. That’s why Michelle Watson Canfield has created a step-by-step template to help. Don’t miss a practical way to unite fathers and daughters, on this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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That's our goal today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman let today be the date you pursue your daughter's heart and initiate connecting with her because I truly believe we will have a healthier country from the ground up, help you win. Much of that comes down to the way you engage her daughter from welcome to Building Relationships. Having nonrevenue heart. "The 5 Love Languages" relationship daughter has one of the most important shall ever have many father struggle to connect with their God, as they mature in their lives become more complex. Today author and speaker Dr. Michelle Canfield will help both sides of the divide learned Michelle's book is a must for every dad. I believe she is known as the dead bird. Five love you will find that book. Let's talk conversation starters daughters talk about your relationship with your daughter was ever hard to connect with her answer no daughter to raise her cell phone and she was really compliant growing up.

At the age of eight she told her she was gonna be a doctor when she got big and he said okay that's what God wants you know that we really had a great relationship would take her out for breakfast every month at least one this by herself, but you know we have a son went on talk about him to do a lot more difficult. Okay. But no, we had a great relationship still have a great relationship is an adult male course of medical doctor, but we have this. Have a great connection, but I realize that's not true of all fathers and their daughters so that our conversation today, and if you are a dad listing right now and you say I don't have what Dr. Chapman has with his daughter with your daughters then listen to Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield. She's a licensed professional counselor, speaker, author, founder of the Abbe project, which is an educational process group form for dads and daughters ages 13 to 30. She hosts the dad whisper podcast and our featured resource today is your book. Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters you find out more. Five love you can feel welcome to Building Relationships to both of you. I'm so excited to be joining you here today for a long time, you were Dr. Michelle Watson was how you got this last name well the truth is I was all for this all down daughter thing you know, and I've been passionate about equipping fathers of daughters for the last 12 years and about 70 years ago I met this man. Dr. King Canfield who wrote the forward to my first book we met at a conference and he was such a champion of me, because as the founder of the national Center for fathering. He loved meeting people across the US right with a similar passion and heart and so I knew his wife. I had met his family been to Kansas State in their home. She prayed for the project. My dad's group, and a couple of years ago she went to be with the Lord and in a crazy God story kind of way. He led Ken and I to get married I Jericho during the pandemic. Of course got married on Father's Day and you guys the craziest story, God told both of us separately to get married. We never dated held hands kids called me on January 1 of 2020 and said what you think should we move from professional to personal and I said well got a ready told me to marry so yes Canfield got married. 16 for the first time and I inherited the tribe 24 people story in a nutshell what we love to know him for years and and course none of your work for a long time also. But it's interesting that would not necessarily be the kind of pre-marriage and marriage experience you would expect most people to do love coming together to champion fathers and it's so fun to be with someone who shares that kindred spirit passion absolutely. So what are you call the dad whisper that is a great question and Chris Faber is the one to blame here in just of course, that one time it was probably back in 2014 when my first book came out for dads of daughters. We were doing an interview just like this. You remember that Chris said you should be called dad whisper. I don't know how you do it, but you seem to whisper to us. Dads and I have had men say we don't like women shouting at us and somehow you seem to just whisper to us ideas that set us up to succeed and so really Chris you're the one that gets all the credit for that one. Well I and I love that because the horse whisperer. I've seen these men and women who will go into a wild stallion you know it just kind of communicate with them and calm this animal down.

I thought that really encapsulates so Gary you can you can blame me like yeah so how did you begin working with dads and daughters. What motivated you know it was back in December 2009 I was reading in Luke one on a regular Christmas month kind of you who doesn't read in Luke one and look to it. December time writing Christmas time and I'm reading about how God tells Zechariah Luke 117 that is yet to be born son is going to help turn the hearts of fathers to their children not the heads of fathers the hearts of fathers and not random December day.

I just heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me and say Michelle, that's what I want you to do one and two days later I was getting ready for work. I was blow drying my hair and I just heard the name the project on the meaning daddy and Aramaic and mid-level project. My right right here only what to do to fix it so I need January 2010 emailed 11 dads whose daughters at the time were my clients in their teens or their 20s and I said what you want to join me once a month for six months to see if there's a change in you, your daughter or your relationship and 10 of the 11 men set wherein and I had people say men do not add more to an already full plate unless there's truly probably a crisis or a need and so these descriptive men. They gathered every month and God downloaded the curriculum to me one month at a time.

I had nothing when I started off and said demand is I would've disqualified myself for this assignment. I even had as I go to men's conferences. Sometimes they're not all happy that I'm there, but no girls allowed on all the doors find it IS our fourth and yet what I have found and I say this truly without trying to sound arrogant, but when men see that I, and I'm not trying to overpower them. I'm their ally. I'm not a threat. I find that they come to meet often with tears in their eyes going. I don't know what to do. You know the relationship has has deteriorated with me and my daughter. I don't know where to go to get help. I don't know what to do to fix it. And so really what God called me to do in Portland Oregon in my counseling office and wrap home. I have them in the same place I have been able to.

I guess you would say coach, mentor, man, because I'm all about equipping men to lead.

I think we live in a culture where were sometimes men are disempowered even by women and told you know, let me do it.

You don't know what you're doing or you're making it worse and really got that is not my heart. My heart is the same and I want to set you up to be the hero you want to be and that your daughter need you to be some amazing story. After sharing that those two men would show up with you interface for months that we end up going a gear year after year with no marketing just keep coming. You know, if you build it they will come right they will come. What what what is the dad daughter relationship so important. What to stay probably just the foundational truth is that there is mounting evidence in the research that supports every area of a girl or a woman's life is better, which has a positive relationship with her dad, do you guys want some of the specifics in the research.

Sure, okay, here's a few of the data points that I think a lot of man loves like just give me the facts, ma'am. Okay, here it is. Dad is if you have a bonded relationship with your daughter where she feels connected to you and you notice that's a heart where it is and it feels connected not ahead work so this goes back to Malachi 46.

If you're a dad who wants to feel connected to your daughter in turn your heart toward her. That's working to be talking about today's practical ways to do just that. Because the research says your daughter will do better in school. If she feels connected to you. She will get better grades. She's more likely to finish high school and attend college, shall have greater self-esteem significantly less suicide attempts less body dissatisfaction and help your weight okay come on I mean I've had an eating disorder through all of my 20s I mean I'm right in the pocket of this kind of research where even with a connection to my dad.

My dad is still living.

He's 83 he's been I would say my main man through a lot of my life and yet that one because of what I'll just say here at the onset of our conversation is I have sexual abuse in my history that has shaped how I have felt about my body and when my dad affirms me and says you look beautiful today Michelle that has gone into my heart space so that when I want to underscore also a connection between the daughter and her dad. The research says she will delay her sexual debut. Okay, come on man, do I hear they met on that one. Decreases in teen pregnancy just a couple more facts, less depression, more likely to find steady employment, lower rates of substance use in the last will mention is more prosocial empathy compared to those with uninvolved fathers. I'm a do we need more of that now than ever before.

Yes. So I am shouting from the rooftops dads you matter your presence and involvement in your daughter's life matters whether or not she knows it. Whether or not you curate enough, the three of us today are championing you with men and saying you matter. Thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

He's the author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are learning about dads and daughters today and if you want to suggest the program to someone sent them to five love you can hear podcasts of the program and see our featured resource.

The book, let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters just got a five love show your counseling and research.

You found that man would rather do nothing make mistakes when it comes yes daughters explained that you know this again been an observation I need from the last 12 years of walking alongside man is I say I been traveling for my planet Venus right two years of Mars and then should we speak the news in two different languages is been an observation that had is that men are smart enough to know when you're making it worse. So especially as your daughter hits her teen years and things become way more emotional way more verbal and a lot of men go you know what I seem to say everything wrong. I just got back off and let mom go in. I'm making it worse, what you've got to know is that when you do nothing, it does make it worse.

So, do we have even said it is men would rather do nothing to do it wrong right but doing nothing is doing it wrong and end of the day. What I discovered about US man is you want to do it right so that's where I'm standing here as a coach cheering you wanted. Think I think it this way you're going to get a little bit of a different response.

And that's why I love in this current book that I've 60 conversation starters for you is dads because man said this has been a difference maker because I see dad if your daughter reacts to the question. I've encouraged you to ask her what just roll me under the bus. I'll be your fall guy say she does know what she's talking about, blaming, and then go on to the next question so that again. US men are equipped to lead because when you lead you feel like your competence builds and your competence builds competence and confidence together those do well. I have discovered on the planet of Mars in my right man with your competence and competence builds you feel better about yourself. Yes definitely I think you're right. And I also seen this a lot you know that men are fearful that they'll do the wrong thing and so they sometimes get back off. The point you're making is really important thing you know in our first time when you talked about the benefits for a woman who has this positive relationship with her father. Let's flip that the dad's benefit from being a role model and the person that their daughters turned to you know thing that I discovered about men is that every one of you is happier when the women in your life are happy right US and then thrive when you can tell that your wife, your daughter, your sister, your even those you work with when women are happy and so I have found that the underbelly of man is really sensitive. You guys don't want to see that you're making it worse. Again, I think that's why a lot of men step out step away. Step back.

But yet you listen then benefit your your health is better. Your sleep is better your your every every part of your life is better I would say even spiritually because at the end of the day. I find it really powerful that God has entrusted fathers in many ways to represent his heart as a father and so I have found that when men know that there overreacted yelling more, they're not building their daughters up for the women in their life, their whole mental, spiritual, social, all areas of their health begin to go down and deteriorate.

Got a little thinking. A man really feel better about themselves. When you know that their wives or yell at their daughter. Sometimes I feel the they deserved it, but I know my guys feel better about yelling that sort of thing. So I think we always feel better if we feel like we've done a positive thing you know you're right about the happy thing you know the wife is happy the daughters happy, the guys typically what what do you think father struggle to connect with their daughters, especially in those years, and when they're mature and going through the change of teenage life. You know, just mentioning Gary was that you know girls become more verbal typically and more emotional right as adolescent sets in and what you need to know man is that much of that has to do with her physiology so much of that has to do with hormones that are rushing through her system she's developing and growing. So, believe it or not there's a lot of that she doesn't have control over those surges of estrogen are flooding through her body. They cause mood's thinking and behavior to be more volatile where the swings of the moods are are much more significant and so sometimes dad, you may not mean to hurt her feelings. But when you say something like until you come out of that room with a smile on your face I don't want you coming out. She's in I don't know what to do.

I need a calming presence to help me calm down, but I find again if I can engage his daughter through those years that are more difficult without getting her unmetered response that something is wrong with her. She will bond more to her dad during those years, more than any other incentive foundation for a bond through all of her adult life and so dad know in your heart of hearts that you can stay the course with your daughter through all the ups and downs with giving her positive feedback about who she is, not just what she's doing. She will internalize that view of herself that you give her, which is so important right yeah so perception what to do. Daughter seems to be reluctant to respond to him to even want to be with him to do in this situation. I love the last question Gary because so many dads do that that phase of development in their daughter's life or she only wants to be with her friends and dad who used to be the hero you know she would run up to your neck and throw our grubby little hands around your neck and kiss your face and you can kiss the blue and make it all better. But now that reluctance is hurting your heart, because she doesn't seem to want to listen to what you say, or she doesn't care if you if she spends time with you and that rejection over and over. When you ask for time with her begins to hurt your heart, you back off. But like I said earlier remembered goddess stepped in it up to you got to the hearts of fathers have to turn then the hearts of children right to their fathers.

What starts with if you have a daughter who's reluctant to spend time with you. The first thing I was sick would say is ask yourself, am I doing anything that either pushes her away or makes or not feel safe around me. So there's there's just .1.

Ask yourself that question. Another thing is you could ask another woman. Whether it's her mom if if you're not married or divorced, you could ask. Maybe your sister or someone else knows your daughter can you tell if there something I'm doing to push her away. Is it just something she's going through that. I don't know about, but then my favorite line, which is why call my book. Let's talk find a way that you can talk with her if she doesn't want time with you. You can always text you can always email you can always do face time you can send some kind of a message from a distance where you ask her. Is there anything I'm doing that either pushes you away or makes you not want to open up with me or spend time with me or here's one of my favorites. Dad just ask her how can I be a better dad to you even if you have a great relationship with your daughter right now.

Maybe a medium relationship with your daughter. I would encourage you today to text, call, ask your daughter how can I be a better dad to you. You made him want to start with a 0 to 10 question. I love 0 to 10 because you could say the same words like how you doing fine and she could say fine, but she means I'm fine, I'm great.

You might need it to.

I'm just having a mediocre day, dad. You could sit on a 0 to 10 scale how close do you feel we are. Are we as close as you'd like us to be and how could I be a better dad to you so that we could change that number into building that works really well with your wife to somebody's daughter. I just had a dad write me an email and say I just had this revelation. My wife is a daughter to writing about. I'm using with no absolutely no fires. My wife only tell me one thing that I could make a better husband for you judges are children and so will the daughters of the arrestors. I love that exactly and ask it over and over dad because what what she may have said last month or last year is going to be changing, and so I love hearing you say at the onset of our conversation Gary that you had monthly dad daughter dates and I would say dad create a rhythm with your daughter or with your wife. Yes, where you know she can look forward to that time with you once a month. That's really what I do in the other project. It's a dad find a place where you can go becomes your place. Dad daughter time dad daughter place the space and begin to ask these questions every month of her one of them being how can I be a better dad to you this month or this week it will be a gift difference maker absolutely wise having regular conversations with daughter so important not not talking to her every three months about something, but regular conversations wasn't so important thing is women is is that we are wired right so much different than men. Men. You may say we just pick up where he left off her will go throw the ball and redid it yet. We did a project outside the yard and that's how we connected.

But there's something about us is women and here it is man is when we open our mouth our heart opens and when our heart opens your heart is dad's opens.

So it comes back to this piece about having conversations with her, because we as girls figure things out by talking.

It's just our wired even if you have an introverted daughter that you like is not so much into talking it may be less words but this truth still remains. So when you have regular conversations with your daughters.

It's the only way that she's going to discover what she needs and wants. Thanks, and believes it not only helps you know what what she's thinking, believing in meeting and wanting but helps her figure out what she is thinking meeting wanting believing because again were ever changing and so having a safe, regular, consistent time with you as a dad is literally going to help strengthen her evening using her voice to articulate what's going on inside and she really senses you want to hear what she has to say your listing to get her perspective rather than to come back and tell her what's wrong or you know you shouldn't feel that way. She really senses a general listing to her with empathy should keep talking right, absolutely. In fact, I have a friend who went to be with the Lord to last month were little over two months ago and she his name is Dick. Patty started Cadence international in a missionary. His adult daughter who is my age.

I'm 61. She got up and shared about how when she was 12 years old her dad asked her for her opinion about Christianity and she said dad it's normal, not formal and she said my dad quoted me when she would go out and speak and say Joyce would say, Christianity is normal, not formal. He said when she she also went on to say that when she was 20 years old. He had a speaking engagement with three talks in a weekend and gave her one of the three talks and he literally said as she sat down he just said that was masterful and she internalized that few of her dad who not only started asking her for her opinion. 12 even gave her a platform and 20 still holds her today and she has been a woman of competent strength throughout her lifetime and credits.

Much of that to her dad. Michelle is as I listen to you.

There's every dad is listing say yes yes yes yes but there is a war that's going on inside that you alluded to. Just a minute ago. It's almost like the World War II D-Day getting to the beachhead and you feel like these, you know that the flock is coming in the air. Artillery is coming and you're on the beach and you want to get up there and you you don't know how to get from here to there and you don't know how to recognize it or you don't how to change because you've been this way all of your life. Can you talk about that how you change on the inside and move toward when you're so scared while I think the starting point is to admit you're scared but I think a lot of men don't want to go to that emotion that society may feel weak, and yet the more honest you can be dad with what's really going on inside of you and lead that way.

Lead with that kind of vulnerability I have found that a daughter will meet you in an equally vulnerable place. When you start with that kind of talking to city because then you come with humility rather than eyeing the dad has all the answers. It's hey, I'm there to here is where I'm struggling or here's what I'm afraid up. Maybe we could save your daughter.

I feel like everything I say is the wrong thing I want to learn how to be a better dad you, but truth be told, you're scared me off. Can you tell me what you need from me. How can I relate better to you right now because I want you really to help me write the playbook on you because I know you didn't come with one and the more you come with that kind of humility. Dad will go a long way to reaching your daughters heart you're listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more about the resources we have for you at our website. Five love you can hear podcasts of the program and find out about the book were featuring today by Dr. Michelle Canfield. It's titled let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. Check it out@ Michelle I really like your book, let's talk. You know there's hundreds of scripted questions for day of stress their daughters.

As I was reading through these things are good, but also had this thought there's going to be some guys are going to read this insight can use those words. Those are my words.

So how's it good, deal with it yet you're so right Gary, I have had other dads come to the outer project and every month right that the scripted questions I give them are the same ones in this book, and so they have often said that same thing like okay they're not like me like you Michelle but I can tell you in this is from over a decade of coaching men walking alongside them said that is what happened in real time, I thought that's how she would respond but it was very different. Once she she heard the question she ran with it. And so it felt like they became my my voice.

I loved one.

Dad named Toby he's actually a shoe designer Nike I live in Nike country and so here is this competent designer rate and yet he's like I don't know how to design a conversation with my 17-year-old daughter and yet he sat there going okay I'm opening up the script.

She can tell I got it from you that once I said that she heard it from me, so I would say dad when you come again willing to learn. You're saying I'm bringing Michelle's book. I have it opened.

I'm reading a question out of here. Don't you realize what you model to your daughter you're willing to learn that your coming open. You don't have all the answers I believe shall meet you in that place and you will find that the conversation will take off from there you see little prompting at the beginning.

But I do think you're exactly right. Because the questions would scripted their river design touch the heart about daughter and the fact that you're reading it from somebody else.

She knows that that's okay.

What you just said is open to learning exactly the way I designed the book is that I start with the lighthearted beginning places so that isn't always heavy questions and heavy conversations because starting with things that are more lighthearted, like where dad can ask his daughter what item of my clothing.

Would you love to see me get rid of make fun of you, dad. What about me makes you laugh, let's talk about family vacations we've done and funny and family memories time you can work toward some of the harder conversations that have to do with you, self-image, and lack of confidence in body image. I mean, I've had some doubts that I don't touch that issue with a 10 foot pole. That's my wife's domain.

Note dad remember what the research says so much of your daughters internalized view of herself comes from you. So the more you can talk about these things with the script. You know how it also helps men is they can look down at something and don't have eye contact when it gets more like embarrassing were talked about sex or sexual harassment or cutting same-sex attraction are some of those deeper under the pool kind of topics that you can look down at the book to catch your breath and go back with looking at her eyes again and she has approved look down also when Jesus but you have a lot of practical ideas and creative ideas on the dad daughter date in your book work where would a dead start to get that going with his daughter. You know my suggestion to man is let her choose her choose what she wants to talk about today with you so you just opened up to the beginning of the book where there's the appendix and you can let her choose the topic right because then she's going to want to talk about that and then. Or you could do another thing we go back and forth every other date where maybe she picks the topic. One month it may have to do with boys and dating you know guys and dating and then maybe the next month you want to do it on how she can become a world changer because you see that she has potential, but she's kinda getting lost in her group of friends and not stepping up to the plate.

So you're like who we need to have kind of a heavy conversation about boundaries with cell phone use.

For example, I got out of there. Don't quite know how to approach it without her being reactive and stomping off so I can start every date by giving dads the script to say hi honey, I'd like to talk to you about this today and I know it might be hard and and yet I'm wanting to listen to you.

In fact, can my husband said you could call this book, let's talk and listen because it's really more about you as a dad listening to what your daughter has to say and helping facilitate conversations that make her feel safe with you and if it's really tough conversation.

I say have it at a restaurant visit to keep both of you and Jack made a little bit easier to do it and then dad if you've got what I call a bombed out bridge with your daughter. I would say probably 75% of the emails I get from men around the country on estrangement between dad and daughter so you may need to start with. Maybe sending a video of her hearing. Your tone of voice, and your body language saying you know I love you. I'm so sorry for things I said I want to make amends. I don't know how to start, you could text that to her. You could send her a letter in the mail that old-fashioned idea snail mail so she can see her handwriting. But it's up to you dad to find a way to begin reaching her heart. It's up to you and what you pushes you away do what my friend Alan Smith told me he was a young life leader for 35 years had a group of senior in high school girls in the back of the van when his daughter was for all talking about their dads in negative ways. He said you guys are the experts. What can you tell me to do so.

When my daughter is your age. She's not talk about me like I hear you talk about your dad's right now you know what the consensus was among these girls was when we pushed our dads away. We wished that he wouldn't of left dad when your daughters pushing you away and she turns down your date idea three times in a row and you okay I'm done. Do not stop pursuing her heart because you give her the message that she's worth the pursuit and eventually lose our experience was in those late nights.

She brings up topics which you mentioned earlier she brings up topics in her heart to give her an opportunity to do that in the just the simple things you mentioned earlier just want to look talk about today, something's owner mind to probably share it with you exactly. So I will dad know he's making a difference. Once he starts initiating dates with his daughter.

Okay, I've got to ask you two men because you your your dad dads to daughters and you know what I'm talking about. Would you say what a girl stops talking.

Her heart closes up like when she talking did a good bet that drawbridge to her heart went back up you can you know what I'm talking about right. I could see that literally you know, a turning of the head were in the car together see with Andrea my wife to Andrea. Thank you. You just it's just this. Oh something is not going right there and I don't know what it is. In my first reaction is to run away as the dog okay you not like you said not make it any worse exactly so you will know whether whether it's with your daughters or your your wives or anyone that you know that the female we stop talking something's happened and the best thing you can do is not run away and not even try to fix it because then you're working way too hard more than you need to be all you have to do is just initiate a conversation where you say can you help me understand what's going on or can you help me understand how I hurt you. I want to know. Tell me more. I had one dad tell me that's his favorite three word sentence to say to his daughter, even with women that he coaches on his team at work. Tell me more tell me more because we always have more to say.

If you listen and so the clearest way to tell if you're making a difference in your daughters like a she's going to keep talking more and opening up with you it's it's as simple as that. She will talk more. That's how you know you're making a difference. This conversation is helpful for you, dad, daughter or otherwise. Our guest is Dr. Michelle Canfield and our featured resource@ is her book. Let's talk conversation starters for dads and daughters. Our hostess Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" .

Michelle you talk about five ways to encourage bids to lead, I'm all ears. Can you talk about those yes I call these five power strategies right that it dad can use to lead his daughter in these are the five sections of the book.

It's lead her to laugh, lead her to love lead her to look lead her to lament and meet her to listen let me tell you what those meats are the first ones you heard me just say in the last segment is starting with laughter is a great starting point. Whether or not you have a great relation with your daughter now or the bridge is a bit bummed out because neuroscientists confirmed that when we laugh together we release chemicals in our brain that strengthen long-term relationships and reinforce social bonding.

I mean positive positive positive right there.

Here are couple ideas of questions you could ask your daughter that might make her laugh. I said one of them earlier we just speak what item of my clothing. Would you like to see me get rid of pictures are great when it might not be so much laughter. But it's a lighthearted bonding question say do you ever think about your wedding day. If so why if not why and then if she does tell you yeah I thought about my wedding date.

Ask her what colors do you want what flowers do you want what location do you want what music do you want what you envision your dress to look like I have never found it.

Dad yet who is thought to ask his daughter. That question is a great one that will again bond you to lighthearted laughter and conversation. Second 1 m to love.

This is about helping your daughter to love herself, because when she loves herself she will give that love to the people around her. So here are some questions you could ask her is what you see is your three greatest strengths and gifts.

If she says I don't have any who you're gonna find out a lot about what's going on in her this would be a time dad for you to tell her the strengths that you see in her the gifting you see in her's remember. Like I said earlier she will internalize your view of her peers cares another one.

You could ask her how could you be a world changer. I love that idea of a girl making a difference in the world around her, and she may say I have no ideas. Dad then it's up to you to help her brainstorm.

It might be.

Where could we volunteer together because oftentimes I remember you when a girl doesn't like herself. It's because she's maybe not getting enough to others in right obsessing more on herself. I remember one time having a dad asked me Michelle, what can you tell me about my eighth grade daughter. I'm so sick of how self-absorbed she is.

I said I got I got it help her volunteer somewhere. Give her ideas help her brainstorm and he said I love it. I said here's part two. You need to do it with her. You'll never believe what he said. Chris and Gary, do you know what he said to me, not can happen. I'm too busy.

Maybe that's what your daughter is focused on, or so because she doesn't know how to give out from a less than full cup so that might be a way dad that you can kick things up a notch.

I hope that our conversation today. Dad gives you one idea to do things differently with your daughter third section leader to look this is helping your daughter look at deeper things going on under the surface that she may not of given voice to I would start with something between the two of you where you may say do I do anything that shuts you down or makes you feel less confident to share your thoughts and feelings with me because we know that dad wounds and dad voids take on a life of their own. Like any physical injury right we don't attend to a wounded area gets worse. All same with a dad and a daughter. Those sealed wounds will will take on a life of their own and have her go looking for love in all the wrong places MRI. That's what she's going to do so dad if you can say to her, even this question. What words have I spoken to you that stuck with you that if made you feel better about yourself and what words I spoken to you that stuck with you that made you feel worse about yourself and now is the time to do it in a man's ask, don't you Sam sorry ask forgiveness he will you forgive me for saying that help me understand how I've heard you for section leader to lament and can my husband is told me he thinks this is the most important section in all of it because you are asking her which this bridge is on the last one about looking at deeper issues. Some of those deeper issues might be heard from you, but some of those those lamenting issues might be loss of a pet loss of a friend, death of the grandparent a job loss. Those kinds of things. If you can ask your daughter those questions and that's why I have them in the book because it may be lamenting even I've had the same sex attraction can come up a lot lately and questions. In fact, my blog this week for dads and daughters on that topic because it dad wrote me and said why are you avoiding that topic said okay. I didn't mean to. I better I better step in their your daughter may be lamenting in terms of gender identity.

Some some maybe identity she had in the past that she's struggling to embrace now and dad. You may not want to go there but asking her questions about her experience is going to bond the two of you to each other last section meet her to listen.

This is where you flip the script.

I love the section because we tend to live in a technological world where daughters don't always know how to engage the other person in real time and draw them out so this is where you had your daughter the book and she will ask you questions about your life.

It'll be about your dating relationships, your relationships with your parents and what I love about this section is dad. It helps you remember what you were like at her age, which may actually help you soften.

Maybe some of your expectations because you're getting to tell her stories about your life, and she will love knowing more about you is you also get to remember. Like I said, what life was like when you were her age are powerful questions on five different areas of life. Love that me ask you this. How can a mom use this book.

I know you wrote the book for husbands and fathers but can a mom use this exact same way because a lot of moms had to step in being a dad, if you will. I say dads" where dad isn't in the picture or there's divorce. So sometimes she's the only parent there feeling like she's having to wear two hats so dad, this is it just for you mom this is for you to where these questions are just as applicable to a mom engaging her daughter or a mom engaging her son or a dad engaging his son Willie. This is a relationship book to facilitate more bonding relationally as more depth of conversation happens good for mom to really have that sense, as I was reading the book that this will be good for mom's to think sometimes moms need a little less help than the sort of but what what what what is your what is your greatest hope for dads who read this book under Dalton. You know you heard me talk a lot today about the hearts of fathers turning to their daughters. God's the one that came up with that term right.

He did say the head to the hearts of fathers, which means dad heart engagement means softening your tone looking in her eyes, leaning forward, slowing down and setting down the remote heart turns that is truly life my will to my first hope for dads who read this book that this will equip them to turn their hearts to their daughters and I would say the second thing would be for dads to put their love into action. What man would say he had a super super hero. He loved when he was little right Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, you wouldn't love that the action figure if you didn't take action right so dad for you to step in and take action to pursue your daughter's hearts.

That's what I'm all about because I believe that's the father's heart. He wants to see fathers leading their children rightly see that throughout Scripture with compassion, caring for your kids that your giving them precepts to bind on the phone, therefore heads you as a dad or leading them and that's really my my main goal in this book is to acquit dads to be that the dad that you want to be your daughter need you to be in that God wants you to be show there's a dad shaking his head. Don't disagree with you said, but he said it's too late for me to many bombed out bridges. Such strong disagreements between me and my daughter about this that the other thing that I can't keep my opinion in there. I can't listen it's too late. What you say to him. It's never too late. It is never too late. You gotta trust me man, I've been I'm 61 years old and I started counseling, coaching, mentoring women and girls since I was 19, so got over four decades of talking and I am a girl on the oldest of four girls so hear me when I say it is never too late to pursue your daughter's heart if you come with humility, saying, tell me how I hurt you.

I want to understand how I can be a better dad to you now and you may have to sit there and take it I've had dad say she yelled at me. She used expletives.

It was horrible, but Juergen have to take it. Juergen have to listen to how you've hurt her because it's never too late to start rebuilding that bridge now it's today is the day. Let today be the day that you pursue your daughter's heart and initiate connecting with her and don't let her rejection. If you push you away because I truly believe we will have a healthier country from the ground up a stronger country with healthier women and dad. Much of that comes down to the way you engage your daughter from this day forward will show it's been so good to chat with you on this topic and my hope is that every father that's listening will get this book because this is not a book just to be read. This is a book to use because you have all these questions and not just questions you ask your daughter but as you mentioned earlier the whole section on questions that daughter can ask you so it's up it's making conversation much easier say it is a wonderful tool. So thanks for being with us today.

My God use this book to encourage and help many fathers and how it's been a joy to be with both of you today.

Thank you so much for this opportunity to talk with you about my passing area fathers and daughters, how can you miss when you read that was so intense will this go to five love Find out more about resource. Let's talk conversation started.

Dads and daughters again. Five love languages and next you're thinking of starting a blended family. Don't miss our conversation on Harrington plan is our topic in one week.

Big thank you to our production team went on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is not radio in association with Moody publishers ministry and

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