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Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
November 30, 2019 7:03 am

Dear Gary

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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November 30, 2019 7:03 am

​You’ve heard that when you get to the end of your rope you need to a tie a knot and hang on, right? Well, if that’s you, tune in to the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. On our November “Dear Gary” broadcast, you’ll hear answers to some deep marriage and family struggles, and words of hope the author of the NY Times bestseller, The Five Love Languages. Don’t miss the questions and answers on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

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People are On "The 5 Love Languages" successful. "The 5 Love Languages" you will emotionally my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language, scaled quizzes, with Lee Gary Chapman, to me, love I would just question marriage, children, and singleness are all I had on today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman trying to follow me. I can actually become explosive emotionally to clean the bathroom in that regard relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today are post-Thanksgiving. Write your questions, feedback, and marriage issues as well as love language questions.

Thanks for joining us on the radio and what great questions we have little hard and remember something going on in your life positively negative message of 186-6424. We can't take your questions live here back that number.

You may get an answer on an upcoming.

Gary conversation: 186-6424 dear last week we talk with Dan Darling about a great resource. The characters of Christmas Gary, I'm still thing about that conversation.

Well, it was exciting conversation Chris because we were looking at the characters surrounding the birth of Jesus and often we just gonna take all these people for granted and obviously they play a different role. Each one of it was an exciting conversation.

I think our listeners if they get that book over the Christmas seasons are going to really enjoy reading yeah and and talk about with your kids with your family members ruminate over this thing that God did for us. God became flesh and dwelt among us. I don't think there's any thing better to talk about the book is the characters of Christmas, the unlikely people caught up in the story of Jesus we have at length@ Chris, let's get to the calls that sounds like a great idea. We start with a husband who is trying to speak his wife's love language. Try doing everything the best I can clean the bathroom breakfast. I also made food for the little one so when she looked at about this is not clean not clean again. I didn't feel that she appreciated me just keep and continue doing change. I definitely understand that you take the time all Chris I will command the caller for spending five hours clean and powerful talk and see how you be discouraged as she walks in and says oh you didn't get this thing you didn't get that doing well. I have a different idea what it means to be clean. But what I do commend him for is he's trying to speak her love language which is acts of service you mention other things and fixing breakfast in those things I think I would say don't give up just because she pointed out something you didn't do the way she wanted to attend.

I asked her how is it, what did you want that I didn't quite do so that you do learn what she considers to be clean. For example, in the bathroom so that the next time you do it you can deal with that little issue that she brings up and hopefully if you do it more often. You will have to spend five hours doing okay but think we can get discouraged sometimes we try to speak. Our spouses love language whatever it is and then they come back with negative comments that we didn't quite live up to their expectations. We have to learn not only what their basic languages we have to learn the dialects of that language.

That is, acts of service, one of the things that she really wants you to do that. She really feels like feels like when you do them like for my wife Carolyn, whose language is acts of service take out the trash when I wash the dishes when I vacuumed the floor. Those are the three babies okay. He's pretty happy woman can do other things as well but you find out really what what is it that you really would like for me to do that would communicate love to you so don't give up say this of the caller. Don't give up keep working at learning how to speak her love language in a dialect that's meaningful to her two things. One is if his love languages words of affirmation, then hers saying that about the five hours is a double wound to him right absolutely Chris. When a person's love languages words of affirmation and you give them condemning words. It is like a dagger in their heart. It hurts them far more than what hurt someone else.

So I hope his wife is also read the book. In fact, I hope she's listening today and rather than condemning him. Thank him for the 95% job that he did and then next time when he starts cleaning you say honey good jeep please one year and there could you do this we do do this, he's going to do it because he commended him for what he did last time. But when you point out the negative thing it make it discourages him yes. The other thing is, he mentioned because there's a lot of hurt. Toward the end of the call and I wonder if there's not a sense that you know I clean the bathroom for five hours. I am working off whatever this struggle was there is in their relationship.

I'm never going to be able to do this, you can't use the love language concept as a one time to time three times thing and then everything is going to be better.

It's over the long haul. Or at least that's what I've heard you say I think that's true, and also Chris you know I don't know what the hurt was I don't know if he did something in the past that really hurt her and that really hasn't been processed yet that that's likely a part of what's going on here and so she still hurting and so she tends to be negative even when he does things that are positive. Five love you'll see more about not only our featured resource day, but also some other helps you can take the quiz on your love language and find out what yours is and what your spouses is five love this our dear Gary on the weekend after Thanksgiving. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving gathering.

The next question up here is about the love languages and children wonder a great graders to read.

I would like don't have one. If we can get you to make what I'd like to be in the school required reading public schools. I think it would cut down a lot of violent bullying make the school system work so much better for the teachers thank you. Well, I could not agree more with this caller as a matter of fact, we do have a curriculum for public schools. It was written by school counselor. It's called discovering "The 5 Love Languages" in school grades one through six and this counselor use it in his own school for three or four years before he put the curriculum together and we have had a tremendous response to it. What we do know is that if children feel loved by the teacher.

They learn more from that teacher. So in this curriculum.

They will be teaching. I love language for one hour each week for five weeks at the end of that time. The teacher will know the love language of every child in the room and the children will have the concept that everybody has a love language and there's a letter we sent home to the parents telling them what's going on in the in the school. With this program. So where it's been used. It had a very positive response. Now, as you may know, it's difficult to get new curriculum into public schools is a process that you have to go through do that, but the curriculum is available and I'm glad to say that there's folks out there like the caller who recognizes if we could get this in the public schools, and change the climate of the classroom, it could become a much more positive educational experience that is going on. Sometimes in the schools. Gary, here's an email from a listener. My husband and I've been struggling with his family. We are in therapy to try and help us through it and we are both on the same page when it comes to what we want and how we want to be treated, but it's still extremely difficult when you have family you love who continue to hurt you, his family believes that they have a right to tell us how to live. They have told us how to spend our money, how to spend our vacation days. They believe. I hate their kids because we didn't include several young children at our wedding. We live nine hours away and I find us disrespectful that we don't come home for the grandchildren's birthdays.

Everything is about them. We are trying to set boundaries with them and they're throwing a big fit.

They remove me from social media. I can't take it anymore.

Their bullies and don't approve of anything we do.

I'm hurting and I don't know how to handle this. Please help. Well, Chris, is this is where we need the wisdom of Solomon name in all situations can be very very painful especially when you are in the daughter-in-law or the son-in-law and your in-laws are doing the kind of things that this writer describes that's why there's so many mother-in-law jokes out is because this is a common problem and there's no easy answer to it because it takes two parties to work in harmony and sometimes the other party is not willing to work in harmony. It's one of the saddest things I encounter. My office is working with either young couples like this, you know, are the parents who are having difficulty with the unit with the in-laws, the son-in-law or daughter-in-law you to see the families fractured and sometimes this goes on for years and that they're just fractured. You know, have little contact with each other so you know what can she do obviously the first thing is, pray, pray that God will give you wisdom pray to God to give them wisdom. I work in their hearts and your heart. I'm really glad you're getting the counseling you're going for therapy that is helpful because together with someone outside the situation. You may find ideas that you wouldn't have on your own.

That's very positive uncertainly continue that. If you have an opportunity to speak to them, which I hope you do get some junctures here nine hours away, so probably be a holiday when you might be together but I would try to focus not only what is happened, but I would focus on asking them questions about their childhood or the early days in their marriage where they lived and how life went for them in the early days of their marriage. That is be a listener express interest in their lives. You might discover if they'll open up and share something of their journey both as children and in the early years of their marriage. You might learn some things as to why they are responding the way they are responding. The very fact that you're asking questions and showing interest in their lives can create a more positive atmosphere. Yes, there is a place to discuss the issues and apparently you've already discussed the issues and I haven't reciprocated. I haven't responded in a positive way about it. I'm glad that you and your husband are together holding us what you want and what you think would be good and healthy because you don't want to let this tear. The two of you apart your marriage relationship is more important than your relationship with your in-laws so I'm not diminishing that, but it's it is the most fundamental relationship so keep that strong and be supportive of each other. In this context.

The other thing I would say is that the best person to talk to them. That is your in-laws is your your husband because it's his mother and father, and he's the best spokesman not you as the daughter-in-law let him be the spokesman for whatever he said, let him be kind, but let them be firm in terms of whatever this issue is other than that I don't know you know that's a hard hard situation. I did write a book that some time ago, happily ever after and I have a whole section in their own in low relationships. Small chapters about six small chapters in that section. If you could read that and if they could read that I don't know that they would, but if they could read that you could read that you might really have a meaningful conversation about the whole issue that strikes me to that. This whole thing about social media.

They blocked me on social media that might be a blessing in disguise. You don't you don't have to deal with the constant things although I I get that that it feels like you're shutting me out of your life so it really the boundaries thing to is really important to see if you set a boundary. The boundary is to protect you from them. You're not trying to change anything of about them with the boundary necessarily.

You're just asking them to comply with the rules or with with what you've set up and so you just have to be strong and that, don't you think this kind but firm as of the two words affect kind and firm in the boundaries but I think you're right, Chris.

There is a sense in which her not being connected with family, social media gives her breathing room. You know she's not being faced with all comments and things every day or every week. You know, so I wouldn't necessarily think that that's all bad, though.

I'm sure and understand what she's saying.

It says they're cutting us out yes and really you can keep them from cutting you out. I mean, they may cut you out totally have seen it happen many times they discounted this own their son and their daughter-in-law and that's just tragic but you know you can't make them let you into their lives and that the title of that resource is happily ever after you find out more about that, and many more things@ This is our dear Gary broadcast the next call up is from a single listener in a difficult situation now that my boyfriend would have to keep in the problem. Stop loving that I can't think can't ship really really hard.

Well, this color is actually going through divorce even though they've never been married, they've lived together for seven years. They have two kids together coming they are bonded emotionally and now he is going through what many married couples go through are individuals who are married go through. They get to the stage in a life in which they feel like they've lost the positive feelings for the person and that's why they say I'm not in love with you anymore.

And maybe he is already involved with somebody else that is often the case that when they get to the place where they say I don't love you anymore, they already infatuated with someone else. Just as I would address a person who is married I would say again being realistic.

You can't make him stay in the marriage that you can ask him for example, would you be willing to go for counseling with me that would be the ideal thing. If both of you incident with the counselor because a counselor can help him come to understand that what he is going through is a very common experience. But the answer is not running from one marriage to another. The answer is learning how to reignite love toward the person that you're with. So counseling would be the number one thing, but I know you can't make him do that. I did write a book called one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart and even though the two of you are not legally married. That book would be very helpful to you and him if he's willing to read it, but I would suggest you read it by yourself because it will give you some ideas on how to reach out to him and hopefully he might come to join you in working through the book at some juncture, but this is very painful when you're actually going through the pain. The same kind of pain that a married couple goes through when one of them says I don't love you anymore and I'm moving out.

It is very very painful and it is also detrimental to the children, no question about it. Divorce has an adverse effect on the lives of the children.

I don't care what age they are so whatever you can do in terms of getting him to work with you on seeking help, that would certainly be the route to go. If you have friends who know him well, you might ask them to encourage him before he gives up to go for counseling or to read a book are to talk with them about where he is because he needs help. He is about to make a decision that eventually will be detrimental to him detrimental to you and detriment of the children. So if there others outside the unit outside the family that you know who could talk with him. I would just encourage them to do so. I'm so glad that she called you now and I am thinking at 24, and two children and to been together for seven years. The deep valley that she is going through at such and I look at it. Such a young age.

This is a really really hard time in her life incident. Absolutely Chris because if he doesn't turn around she's moving into a whole new stage of life as a single mom and that's not an easy life.

Ask any single mom and I admire single mothers who have to provide for themselves and since they're not married. He may not have to give her anything financially that she may be totally on her own. I'm it. It's a hard situation to she's facing again. I'm glad that you called. I hope that answer was helpful to you. We get calls from people who listen to this program who hears you say something Gary and they want to follow up at like this color her today and things are more forgiveness than about giving it to God versus the actual giving of the person actually is not asked for that forgiveness and I've had these types of conversations with people before but I would like to have some scriptural proof or evidence in that regard. Thank you so much. Well Chris he's referring to the concept that we should forgive everybody whether they repent or whether they don't repent that we should forgive everybody for our own benefit and this is the commonly held idea among Christians in the program. He's referring to what I said was this. Ephesians chapter 4 in verse 32 think I'm remembering that correctly says that we are to forgive others in the same way that Christ forgives us.

So the question is how does Christ forgive us. Well, first John chapter 1 verse nine if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

God does not forgive everybody. God forgives people who confess their sins. Jesus came preaching repentance. Repentance means to turn away from your sin and to turn toward Jesus. And so God forgives people who repent God forgives people who confess their sin and acknowledge that they have sand and want to be forgiven. Matthew chapter 3, if I'm remembering no Matthew chapter 18 I believe I'm correct on that said Jesus said if your brother sins against you, you go confront him and you say to him you know you feel like you wrongly and I will not want to deal with this on feeling heard them feeling angry and he says if they repent, you forgive them if they don't repent.

He said you take someone with you. Typically someone that they trust in you. Trust and you confront the person again and if they repent, you forgive them if they still don't repent. He says tell it to the church and the idea is, the church will send someone either alone or with you to again confront the person and then Jesus said if they don't repent. After that you treat them as a pagan.

He didn't say forgive them. They said treat them as a pagan what you do for pagans. You pray for them you love them.

Your kind to them. You return good for evil.

You do everything you can to be kind and treat them as a person of dignity and respect, hoping that they are going to repent so that you can forgive them. I'm using the word release. Chris I wish I had all the Scriptures in front of me here, but I don't.

Peter said this about Jesus that when people railed against him. He did not lash out at them, but he committed them to his father who judges righteously. That's the idea of releasing them, you release the person to God, you're saying, Lord, have done what the Scripture say three different times I've grown up really tried to reconcile with them they choose not to reconcile, so I want to turn them over to you. I will release my hurt, I will release my anger. I will turn them over to you and knowing that you are a loving God, and that if they repent you will forgive them and I can also forgive them but in the meantime, I will turn them over to you and ask you to give me the ability to go on with my life. So that's the basic concept in those early some of the Scriptures that deal with that concept. It strikes me as I'm hearing you say this again that on the cross, father forgive them for they don't know what they're doing.

They don't understand what they're doing.

It wasn't you know if the person didn't repent of what they did there.

This is not forgiveness poured out for that person's actions that only comes once they turn from that and say oh I did the wrong thing. I crucified the very son of God, what he was doing was doing the same thing, releasing them to God.

I'm not holding this against the rewrite to Chris and sometimes people use the statement of Jesus and they say to me will look Jesus forgave them.

He said father forgive them. They know not what they do. He forgave them and they're not repenting and essay read it carefully.

It's a prayer it's not a proclamation. He wants them to be forgiven. He's praying they'll be forgiven. That's why he's dying so they can be forgiven and later on in the book of acts Peter is preaching to the same people and he said you killed the son of God, and I call you to repentance and the Bible says, many believed many of the priest believe that is some of those people who said, crucified, crucified, relieved that he began. That's when the prayer was answered. That's when they were forgiven by God.

God does not forgive everybody. You cannot make a case for that in the Bible, we can expect to do what God doesn't do coaching forgive everybody but we can seek reconciliation seek to forgive if they're willing to confess their failures and if not we can release them to God. So they were not going to be played in our heart by what they've done to us, and let it turn to bitterness and hatred because bitterness and hatred are always sinful, not a sin to feel angry, but you don't hold anger inside.

You have to release the anger and release the person to God, now an honest question about anger in marriage. Gary, I have had a very struggling five years married Into but had all the time and I constantly unpacked. No matter what, I request this in turn has me I'm sure not so II don't know how we in alignment with trying to continue with each other's needs. Once every month or so I can actually become explosive emotionally and then I want to leave and it's over and I know that it's wrong to threaten that when there are are other dynamics occurring a tremendous amount of forgetfulness or art is trust from the past. I don't know how to stop going around the mountain per se. I get need advice and what to do if they want to work and they don't know how much of it is me. Maybe it's all me and I really want to have a peaceful, godly marriage exit well. Many couples going to dinner thigh with this caller.

They've been married five years, seven years and they're going through difficulties because they disagree on so many things and perhaps they said or done things are failed to do and say things that hurt the other person and that they really want to have a better marriage. They just don't know how to go about it that everything they know to do. I would say two or three things she mentioned you.

Maybe it's all my problem, and in May and listen in a marriage situation. Both of us are humans and that means both of us will fail from time to time.

It's never a one-sided thing and so yes, it is good to ask yourself any of us. Dear Lord, where am I failing in this marriage and just let God bring to our minds were we are failing. Confess those things to God and accept his forgiveness and then go to the spouse and so you know, I know that I've been on your case a lot and I know I've done some things that hurt you.

But I ask God to show me where I have been failing you and he gave me a pretty good list and if you don't mind, I'd like to share these with you and I like to ask you if you can forgive me because I want to be a better spouse often that approach does two things. It empties your conscience toward God for the failures that you have experienced and it says to them. While this is different.

All I've been hearing his condemnation and how I'm so wrong. This is different, and chances are they will forgive you, even if they don't then after you've done that you really focus on speaking their love language you love them, even though their unlovely that's precisely what God does for us. He loved us while we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So with the help of God. You speak their love language is a regular and regular basis and after you've made that confession to them. Now they really are saying what's going home with something's happened here so you are having a positive influence on them.

You see, it is true we cannot make our spouse change, though, in our marriages.

We typically think if they would just change this this and this, then the marriage would get better. Well, it would but we don't just change to be changing most of us have to be influenced if were going to make a positive change is a what I just described.

For you dealing with your own failures and then following that up with speak in their love language over a period of time is the greatest influence you can have all that spouse, then down the road through four months.

You're saying to them, you know I don't how you're feeling about us but I feel like I've really been giving you everything I can to communicate and I love you and care for you. It appears to me, maybe you don't care about her marriage. I hope that's not true. And then they have a chance to respond you if I haven't already started responding positively.

Now you're going to plot tough love to them, but now the tough love will have a positive influence because they been feeling your love coming in now you're saying that maybe you won't eat maybe they don't want to be with you. So that's the approach I would take if I were you, I wrote a book that's called loving your spouse when you feel like walking away that deals with some of these issues that have just talked about. As you talk Gary, it sounds like you have hope for this caller hope for that marriage that relationship. I do Chris always have hope and I do believe that while one person cannot create a positive marriage.

One person can have a positive influence on having a positive marriage and that's what I try to help people sleep because sometimes we want to give up because we say will are spent. My spouse is not willing to go for counseling. They won't read a book. They won't go to work, marriage conference, and I will do anything you want even talk about us. Therefore, nothing can be done to help her marriage well understand that feeling but I believe that one person can have a positive influence on the other person, don't you think this time of year it happens a lot in relationships that you can go through a valley because you see all of that, you know all of the movies the romantic movies and people together and you see what you don't have and you think everybody else has this can be a really did a difficult time of year candidate.

It can make risk and protect it when you've lost in love feelings and so it's got a neutral, now you don't have those feelings. In fact, now you have pop you have negative feelings because of things that have been done said and and we all want to be happy. We all want to be loved and that's why sometimes in this holiday season.

We end up getting attracted to other people. We have conversations at parties with people and we think man if I was with them and be a whole lot different and often affairs really get started in the holiday season will that's another relationship question that we just had, let's go to a parent now and it sounds like from her call that she and her husband have a difficult situation with her kids, so I know when I went to Bible teaching is an innovative eco-I will be nice to know what age children she's talking about.

If it's teenagers.

It's one thing if it's younger children.

I think it's a different thing. No question about the Bible is pretty clear we are not to be line were not to be stealing and that his parents were to be teaching our children not to lie not to steal, and that means first of all, the we know why we don't steal. You know what we're assuming that's true in this case but I think I with younger children. Remember we are all fallen creatures by nature, we do wrong, little children, if they think that you're about to do something to punish them will lie and say I didn't do it. I didn't do it.

You know that they're doing that to avoid the punishment so let's not think that our children are abnormal when they lie are when they steal their simply being fallen human beings, but we don't want them to grow up to be liars and sailors and that means the earlier we can start teaching them that we don't tell stories. You know what you call them stories are lies. We don't we don't lie we tell the truth and you tell me the truth, and then you and I were going to get get along really well, but you'd like to email have to punish you for lying because lying is wrong and I don't mean beat the kids. I just mean the needs to be a consequence whenever they do wrong just like as a consequence when we do wrong.

I think first of all, you make it very very clear that in our family. We are not going to lie and will not go steal and if we do we have to suffer the consequences.

So if you lie to me about something, then you have to suffer the consequences. Hopefully the consequence will be something related to what you lied about and then if you steal something you will have to return it and apologize to the person and then also will have to take out of your allowance what it would cost you if you had bought that thing that you stole so you will have to pay both ways, got apologize and return it and you had to pay for and then you follow through with that. Whatever the consequences.

You follow through with not in anger, not in yelling and screaming, but just saying Johnny you know what you did and you know it's wrong so your shoulder have to do if their little you walk with them.

In fact, even as teenagers you go with them if they stole something outside the home that is something from someone else, you go with them to that neighbor and you listened as they apologize and return what they stole our Christmas store you go with them. And as people say well what they put them in jail. Well, what if they put them in jail. That might be the most powerful thing that can happen to a 13-year-old is to be put in jail for a week after they stolen something in the event less likely to steal the next time I think what is teenagers.

What you also have to look at is, are they on drugs because often teenagers do things on drugs they would not do if they were not on drugs. And if that's the issue that's the bigger issue behind the behavior of lying and stealing is their own drugs that hooked on drugs and that's where they need to help. And that's why say the age of the child determines how you might respond in a positive way with this, but the basic concept is clear rules of what we do and don't do clear consequences. And then, in love, you simply administer the consequences so that the child suffers from having done wrong and when they do, therefore more likely to do right. The next it's a worst case scenario that this is a an adult child knows late teens early 20s, and they've stolen from mom and dad from because of drugs or alcohol or whatever and you need to, you know, it's a different situation there. What do you do at that point to to reinforce what you mean by this that we we can't have this happen.

The take the kids out of the house and what will you do it Chris that's a very hard question and I think it depends on what stage this is in, but I think the issue is if it's drugs and is so common today if it's drugs what you want to focus on is you know what you've done is wrong and you have to suffer the consequences of it, but we have got to get help and I know you may not will help, but we've got to get help and I think you reach out and you find what's available in your community for the treatment of kids who are on drugs and alcohol and you if if you have to do it forcibly you do it forcibly because there they go to get counseling there they going to get help to think through things. There they don't get off of drugs for a while at least so they can think more clearly.

So you focus on getting them help with the problem of drugs rather than focusing on the issue of the stealing of the line because stealing and lying typically go along with drugs in it than the root cause is the drug problem so you saying is the desert, Tanya have to kick them out of the house. That's hard, but you cannot simply allow them to continue that kind of behavior and you make it possible for it to happen because you're providing all the food and all the clothing and everything else for them. Sometimes a little time on the street can wake them up on the other hand, sometimes on the street.

They can be dead in a week and that's why it is so hard for a parent to decide what do I do do I continue to give them a place to stay while they're living this lifestyle is destructive or do I put them out of the house because I cannot condone it and then throw them as it were, to the wolves, Chris SS not a that's a not easy question to answer in every parent has to struggle with that. I would say before you make a decision yay or nay talk with a counselor yourself and let somebody walk with you through this and help you as you come to make those hard choices. How do you love a suspicious spouse. That's our next question for Dr. Gary Chapman were my wife and had a lot of bad past relationships where she didn't believe a man be a woman that it attractive or attractive and at least there I am not think of her and out that way. And I'm not sure what I can do to help that fact that there are other attractive women out there that I could be noted thing bothers her and wanted were just going around like make things difficult for her a lot of stress. Not sure how to help today's culture which is so sexualized. Almost everything is sexualized and if in her past. She has had bad experiences of me and them.

Perhaps that she dated and she thought it was an exclusive relationship when in fact they were involved with somebody else as well if she's gone through that kind of thing in her past. She brings all that baggage to the marriage and so you're another man she's married to you, she was just dating them, but that that sense of of concern that sense of jealousy that sense of you going to betray me is a part of of her baggage that she brings and ideally she needs to work through that with the counselor so that she can come to realize you can't judge everybody you meet Everyman you meet, because of what three men did for you in the past, but I would say this from your perspective obviously taken for granted that you are not involved with somebody else and you are not looking lustfully on other women.

First of all, if you don't know your wife's love language. I would read the book, ask her to read the book with you and both of you take the quiz and determine what each of your primary love languages are and then you focus on speaking. Her love language because when her love tank is full. That is, she genuinely feels loved by you.

She's far more likely to trust you and be less condemning. If you are less jealous of you so that I think is the place to start because our deepest emotional need. On the human level is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives and in marriage.

The person you would most like to love you. Is your spouse, so I would focus on that that would be the starting point and want to discuss that in the context of reading the book you probably realize why. Perhaps you don't feel loved and maybe perhaps what she doesn't feel alive because even though you been sincere.

You haven't been speaking each other's love language.

That's the starting point. Once you're doing that I think will be easier to talk about this topic and think she's going to be less inclined to accuse you of looking at other women improperly so that's the starting point and I think if you both do that and get on the right track. And then you apologize for anything more you do fail her and she does the same for you. Apology is also a big part of building a positive relationship that that be my suggestion. We have time for one more call for you Gary and you can hear his voice. He can feel the pain.

The regret is our last call Gary in your relationship. Validate and almost a year now trying to fix what I just destroyed not really getting much ground on it to kids involved young. My question to you is would you recommend marriage counseling and how do you go about finding the right one in your area. Finding the right marriage counseling New Jersey is kind of struggle if you could help me out that I definitely appreciate it appreciate this call because I think in many listeners can identify with infidelity is a very difficult thing to overcome and get back on track.

But the good news is there is healing and there is life coming healthy married life after infidelity. His question is do I what I recommend counseling and the answer is yes without any question at all. When you've gone through that kind of deep betrayal and that kind of deep hurt on the part of the wife in this case, almost always, you need someone outside of the two of you that can help the two of you hear each other personnel.

Express your hearts and your feeling to each other and hear each other and and then learn how to find healing over past failures of the reality is infidelity is probably the deepest emotional wound that anyone can experience with their spouse is practice infidelity. How do you find a counselor to three things I would suggest one is would be to call the churches in your area that you trust and ask the staff whom do you recommend as a Christian counselor in in my inner area. Here we need help with our marriage. Most of the time the pastors know who the Christian counselors are in the area and they can help you another another approach would be there's an organization called American Association of Christian counselors. You can find them to go to Google you can actually plug in your city and your ZIP Code and they will list for you. The Christian counselors that are associated with their organization that live in your area and then you can call them and tell them here's our situation. Do you think you could help us with this and that the counselor will will so you your night depending on what their particular focus is but that can be helpful. Another source would be to call Focus on the Family.

You can also find them online and they have counselors on the phone who will not only talking on the phone, they won't do long-term counseling, but they also have a list of counselors and in different areas of the country and they may help be able to help you find one so it's not that difficult to find a counselor and I would strongly recommend it because in your situation married 12 years, two children, it is worth the effort of going to counseling and walking through this with someone along with the power of God who can help and can't change and bring healing and give you the kind of relationship that both of you want to have a loving, trusting, supportive of marriage and that's what got thank you for leaving that question. And for those who called you can also respond to our program that you heard something you want clarification on this.

Call 866424 Gary only leave your question for Dr. Chapman, you might hear an answer and future dear Gary broadcast would love to hear from you. 866424 Gary and check out the featured resource of five love It's perfect for the upcoming celebration. The characters of Christmas unlikely people caught up story Jesus again find out .5 love languages Chris next week program but I promise will be spiritually nourishing in a kick start your morning.

Don't miss anyone living. Thank you to our action team Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman radio ministry.

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