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Screen Kids - Arlene Pellicane

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
November 7, 2020 1:00 am

Screen Kids - Arlene Pellicane

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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November 7, 2020 1:00 am

Technology has helped children stay in school during the pandemic. But what are the hidden costs of so much screen time? On the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author and speaker Arlene Pellicane will help parents and grandparents who are struggling with this topic. What are the skills every child needs in a tech-driven world? Hear a practical program on this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. 

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How do you set healthy technology boundaries for your children or grandchildren answers today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We need to recognize more screen time that morphing a child's ability to listen to show empathy to have an intelligent conversation.

The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationship. Welcome building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the I love my today with students learning virtually desperate to connect with friends kids are spending more time than ever on screen. The effects of mold that screamed for the question that will look at the author and speaker early to chat with Doug for not one but two sources.

Find out more about the website. Five love Chapman, this is one of the unseen effects of think it is a lot of parents are not sending their children to school so schools are open so the children home with her trying to help the children like the most on the screen from school what what they're getting online so the kids are spending a lot more time on the screen they were before the parents already concerned perhaps about how much time there's been screen so yeah I think this is something that a lot of parents are struggling with, even if there were no open its that's an area where parasite like a concern, but will make the most of the of the child's use of technology, but they don't get to consume the child's life.

Childhood is a time for learning and growing and playing and sleeping and reading all sorts of things so you excited about talking Arlene today about these books that we worked on together because I think they offer a lot of practical help for parents. She is a great friend of this program.

Arlene Peloquin speaker, the author of a number of books we talked about 31 days to happy husband calm, cool and connected parents rising and others today will feature two titles that she and Dr. Chapman worked on screen kids five skills every child needs a tech driven world, and grandparenting screen kids how to help what to say and where to begin. You can find out about both of those titles at the website. Five love again, go to five love will Arlene welcome back to Building Relationships. It's great to be with you. Thanks so much for having me talk about the use of technology during the pandemic is Chris and I were discussing earlier. The good the bad and everything in between. How is that impacting kids today. Yeah, at the beginning of the pandemic. It might've been like this is good we can still Skype grandma we can still email our teachers.

We can watch lessons, you know. Thank God for technology.

This is good, and maybe wait. We had stricter rules we can ease that because you think okay that's the latest but you know what that was way back in March. Months later and so I think the good was, you know, the continuation being able to continue with school. There are positive things you can do you can stay in touch with your friends and your family members but I think there has been a lot of bad that has come with it that if you had a problem before the pandemic with your kids on-screen text too much.

You can only imagine you know after the pandemic is over. What's that going to be like, and I think a good way to frame that is. Let's see the screens before were used for entertainment for your kids was kind of you know, on occasion they could earn it when their school was done and their chores were done, etc. and it was just a slice of their day.

But now, because school is already that huge slice online.

So now this online world hasn't just become entertainment, but it's become a way of life and isn't it true that is adult. Sometimes we sit in front of the computer for eight hours a day, but we really want that for a five-year-old 7.09-year-old Wright and 11. That's not a good way of life. So my fear is that this will become to normal and that kids will get used to it I guess this is what childhood is. It's looking at a screen it sometimes doing school playing games now emailing or texting my friends there, you know. And that's not real so I feel like there's that loss of reality and then if you're having fun and being entertained on their screens.

Then when they go out and have to do chores and they have to read a book and have to go out and meet people again.

Sometimes I think for some kids that's going to be hard reentry because they're so used to being sedentary. Used to be isolated.

You know I had my friend who is saying she's got a elementary school student and a high school student and church has just started going back. You know, we just started going back to church and she said it so hard to get the kids to put on shoes and go out the door because for months they've just had to be in flip-flops and comfy clothes and at home. So I think this is all going to have a impact on kids and perhaps if your kids are younger, you need to take even more care to show them this is not normal to avoid people you because you're in a pandemic cycle don't talk to people not normal or healthy. And so, especially for our younger kids are going to really need to be educated that you know this is just for short time and then soon you are going to be hugging people and running up to people that that that's going to need to be overcome if you have a good season with your own children because I know you have children still at home yesterday at home quite a lot. I have a sixth-grader in ninth grader and 11th grader and I will say I dodge the bullet because my kids are older they can log onto the computer themselves, their conscientious and they stay there so I mean if this would happen earlier which I know happened for many of our listeners and instead they were 579. You know, I don't think we could have this conversation needing to be with. So for us it has been a good fine you know, not ideal. Of course, they'd rather be back in school but something that I've noticed. You know it's like they are sitting in front of a computer still at a desk you know in three different spaces in the house from 9 AM till about 3 PM and then after that there sitting on those same chairs for homework and it's like oh my goodness these poor people. They haven't even moved I would tell them like please stretch like get up and do some things that help is when it's lunchtime.

You know, no screens obviously and everybody up and out and sit around the table and laugh together and do something and we have a dog sled like go walk the dog and then do your homework and and so it it takes that and I think for the mental health of our kids. We schedule things on the weekends that they can look forward to. So for my one daughter she's volunteering at a horse camp. So this is perfect because it puts her in nature. She loves horses she volunteers so that's been a great outlet for one child.

It's meeting her friends at the park that just one or two of them and they'll meet and they'll go get you know I screw at the grocery store and needed at the park and you that's a great outlook for them and then my son. We've been playing ultimate frisbee every Sunday in the Park and his friends will come out for ultimate Frisbee so it's been really good to have something that is nonschool non-screen to look forward to that's kept us healthy. So the home at least some some people it's great.

I was talking to a kindergarten teacher and she was sober how difficult this is been for her as a teacher I can hardly imagine teaching kindergarten students only awful right so one of the struggles that the challenges that you're sleeping with with folks at yeah and I'd love to just touch on that teacher thing, because it's true that. Can you imagine if it's hard enough with people in real life in a classroom, getting them to pay attention.

You're right there to kind of, you know you can touch his shoulder and pay attention. You can imagine all you're doing is looking at 20 little squares of zoom squares and you're wondering you know that person disappeared. Let's go get him and then by the time you get him then so-and-so in row three. She's just really would be so difficult, so I think we need to encourage our teachers. We need to send notes and gift cards and things to our teachers that that is difficult and I think what is hard is how is that you know my daughter she's in ninth grade, so this was not the ideal weight in my mind hurts her high school you know to do this online, new school, etc. and we just chatted about the teacher she likes, etc. and we said I said you know if you saw that teacher in the grocery store. What would you do nothing I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't say I am in your Spanish class. I'm Noel. She said no they don't know me. They don't know who I am so sad this is so many months you know we started. I guess in August, so this is a few months into it and the fact is, these people teachers you know they might have 25. 30 kids in the classroom. Seven. And they're all little zoom squares. So how can they know these kids it's very difficult.

Second, that's a huge challenge of part of school is is knowing others and being known. And that's a big big deficit and I do think that has it impact on learning some Paris of course have their children in private schools that are operating purely from storage, but now have a much group appreciation for teachers who know what others report actually talk about what increase the screen time as to the emotional and educational development of the child. I think about when the kid is on the device oftentimes are saying leave me alone. I'm on my phone playing a game talking to me. I'm on social medium on my tablet so they may not physically say the words leave me alone, but their attitude, their posture, everything is leave me alone, and after a while if that is the posture in the home of kids being on devices and their kind of like in this bubble of hate. Just leave me alone in the parent of course is also busy and the parents will also see well at least my kid is safe. You know so there's this lack of connection and that I think is what is so sad because that the technology has the promise of connection hey get this phone and you can be in contact with your friends. But in reality once a child in particular gets a phone or a tween teenager.

All of a sudden they get all their you know support so to speak from that phone and that does not give the emotional support that a parent could you think of all these kids in their texting, they they might even be in the same room they might be having lunch together and their texting other people instead of talking to one another and so this is not doing the emotional work of the old conversation so I think we need to recognize more screen time that's dwarfing a child's ability to listen to show empathy to have intelligent conversations to read body language to have eye contact. You know that I contact. That's it.

It was said that the window to the soul, but you know if if world distracting look at looking at our devices, then the health that just comes from looking at someone and I and knowing there looking back at you and having that conversation all of a sudden missing you know, we quoted Harvey Mackay and he said that the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships.

So think of a child or an adult who's on screens all the time. What's the quality of that marriage, like, what's the quality of that parent-child relationship, you know, what's the quality of two friends like when you're on, holding it device all the time so this is a huge repercussion of screens becoming so mobile so cheap so popular that it has really redefined friendship in a friendship would be hey we are loyal to one another.

We have fun together, talk together. We do things together but now social media friendship is how many followers do I have and did you like my photo and if you didn't like my photo I'm going to unfriend you because you must not be my friend anymore.

I mean the basis is completely hollow and that's why we see so many kids with emotional problems, and then in terms of educational development. You know it's always been reading that if you can read your to do well in school if you can slog your way through a passage and you can understand it, you can answer questions you're going to do okay that's a predictor of school success what kids are not reading or watching TV in there watching videos and their scrolling and their tapping and their playing games and there's not a whole lot of words on the page, so that also you know hard for kids. If there on screens, you know. Yes, you could be reading a book on a Kindle, but most kids are not using the screens in that way, you mentioned the parents themselves from posting boosters recently probably cited in the restrooms were husband and wife are sitting there for dinner and they both have her phone, well looking at their phone talking to each other. We become comfortable in that way becomes the new normal, which is not normal to so so how can a parent know if their child is involved with too much going to order some of signs yes some of the signs will be so glaring that you almost couldn't you know you could set up to play detective but some things are going to see your child have changes in their behavior that come from this attitude for where did that come from. Maybe there only in a good mood when there with the device.

So when their gaming there in a good mood. But when you take that away. You know, here comes Attila the Hun you you see them wanting to increase more so mom I want that more data I want that more they freak out when they're forced to unplug right they choose gaming over. Let's say the family hey were gonna go do this going to go out to see to go get ice cream or whatever and the child like how you know it's okay. I'd rather just stay home.

You know they rather stay home with the device so things like that you can say like okay wait a minute, maybe there's too much screen time it's having too much of a persuasive pull in my child's life. You know you see your child they can focus their defiant, disorganized, they are not empathetic if poor social skills around other kids. These are all warning signs and believe it or not, it is kinda simpler than we think. If you will just reroute their screen time or shut it off completely. You will find all my goodness like it. My child, he suddenly has other interests and is agreeable and is not sullen anymore, so we we encourage parents to try that detox. So years.

We don't let the children control how much you screen Joe's parents. We are the ones who control gets right because your job as a parent is not to be amusing to your child or to please her child or be your best friend. But to say hey I am your parent and I know this is unhealthy for you and I'm willing to be unpopular to take away this device or delay this device are not allowed this game and you're the only one, but as a parent, you've got to be able to handle that because you have the future of your child and their strong relationships in mind. What advice would you give the single parents whom I feel that I don't have time to monitor their child screamed yeah my heart goes out to single parents because can you imagine you're working you in a pandemic.

You have all these limitations and you have your kids. It's very very difficult so I would say you know start with observation. Observe what is the normal day for your children.

When are they on screens you first thing in the morning. Is it how late into the night and then what are they doing on their screens. What what are your concerns or do you take the first day and just observe what's going on and then think of one action step.

Maybe it's mealtimes that you realize we've got the TV on in the background or one of the children is using grabbing the device allots okay were going to do mealtime screen free.

Maybe for another person.

It's collecting the phones at night, even for your teenagers that hey I want to get a good night sleep and working to collect the phones at night and maybe it's a certain day, you can simplify things because I know it's hard to micromanage everything right.

Okay, now what do I have to look at that.

Maybe it's a screen free day that you say hey Sundays that's going to be our time where there's no video games or that's going to be our day where we have no streaming services, except that we just watch one movie together as a family. Things like that so so kind to simplify it for yourself and see but don't be hopeless you know you can still improve things to do, but were both parents are living together with their children. You get on the showing page with enforcing you know of you have your swing vote and how to respond. The other so many husbands right who love gaming with their kids and so the wife is setting the background like why are you playing this game and the husband saying this is how I bond with my children, you know, so of course know how you deal with screen just like anything else in life money where you're going to live anything. It's it's compromise and it's talking about it and I encourage you know the parents to think of. Okay, wait a minute. We are not battling each other. We are both on the same team and our goal is the health of our child. Suggest you know establish that remind each other of that first that you're not enemies you just trying to figure out what's best for your child and then I think listening and understanding, the same things. So for instance this radio show. Maybe you're listening to it and you're getting these ideas, but your spouse you know is against will have your spouse listen to this as well. So getting on the same page getting the same information reading screen kids together talking about it. I think that really helps because sometimes one person is working with the body of information and the other persons working with opposite unison to try to get understanding together to look for wisdom together and then perhaps it is not the one shaming the other, you know, maybe the more restrictive parent is making the more loose parent feel ashamed of that you know nobody likes to feel like pressured of you have to do that your bad parent you know. But maybe it's instead saying hey I know you want to spend time with the kids.

Why don't we go and play soccer in the park, you know, just the alternatives versus you really should stop playing those video games. You know, so working through that and and eventually, hopefully you will get closer and closer to each other on your beliefs about screen time like this is one book that I really would recommend moms and bedroom together because at least you both be exposed to the some ideas and some truths about these factors might help discussions and cut 100 attribute employees. What were some of the ways that parents can be an example to their children regarding screen time limitations.

I like asked the question if your child grew up to use technology just like you. Would you be happy with that. To say all you get a little mini me you use your phone, your kid uses the phone. You know the way you use it interact with it. If your child mimicked you exactly what you think homerun this is great or what you think like oh good Lord, my child. To do that so so you know, children are really a blessing because they do make us better people because on your own, you can kinda be sloppy and do these things, but few realize, so I'm creating another person to all these mistakes, like me, then it makes you think I got it clean this up so I think that one way to think of it. Another thing is really looking at your child and asking anybody. Do you think Emily on my phone too much in my on my computer too much. What does that look like to you and then really allow them to answer honestly not don't get emotional.

Don't get upset. Just listen. Okay, thanks for telling me and then later you could like scream and cry in and yourself and make all the excuses of why you have to be this way etc. but listen to your child you know they there was a survey of 6000 kids from around the world, and over half of them said my parents worst habit is looking at the phone when I'm trying to talk to them and none of us want to be that way. So we just have to be willing to see and what do I look like to them. So one thing principle we talked about his pivoting that if you're on your phone are the computer and your child comes into the room. You pick it away from your phone you pivot away from your computer and say hey how are you do you need anything.

Okay, I've got to finish up this text and then we'll get to dinner, but your body language in your eyes are saying you are more important than this device and if your child feels that way then that helps put that device in the right place versus every time they approach you. You're on your phone and you're saying wait a minute, wait a minute. Come back in five minutes. You know, they come back in five minutes what you doing taxes and so you gotta watch how are you doing and you know little things like read a newspaper for adults instead of online news. Why is a newspaper has a beginning and an end.

Most likely, whatever you need to know is in there.

You close it up and you walk away, but what online news every 10 minutes, breaking news, breaking news, and all this and you're looking at that all the times you could honestly change the way you get your news and it could have a very positive impact on your relationship with your kids, so let them see you do that let them see you charge your phone in another room and not sleep with it. You know, a foot away from your pillow, let them see you put down the phone and have a conversation with your spouse I die instead of that you keep picking up your phone when you're talking to your spouse, you know, show them what does this look like when you're talking about is is really a countercultural thing and I've said this believe it more know than ever. We were never meant to live drinking from a fire hydrant like we'd who with news and information.

What you just said you know the breaking news the story that I just read 10 minutes ago is now been updated another's new information I've got to find out our video that's online is been updated and here's another camera angle to that.

I don't think you know it's hard enough, just with everything going on in your own family and your own neighborhood community your own church. It's hard enough just to live at that level of us and then you include everything that's around the country around the world and we almost feel paralyzed by. That's right yet so it is tool in the sense of that's helpful, but not all the time.

You cannot be that informed all the time. Question you posed beginning there. When you said one of my kids turn out to do screams the way value screams reflection on his sobering thing you mentioned that many, many parents don't realize if they're having a conversation with their trial and their phone rings I get a text and return to the phone away from a conversation with their trial but just communicated that somebody out there more important than what you quoted on the research project that will 50% of the kids. That's right, you said the mind buying thing is that their parents who spend too much to say that that their parents look at their screens, whether having a conversation about aloneness so insightful lolling in the book you talk about a digital Starbucks. Explain what you mean brother that is a digital break that the whole family takes so maybe you say Friday night. You know everyone were not playing video games were were going to do board games or maybe it's all day Sunday that you say hey were going to go screen free. No social media no video games may be just texting only for appointments and that's it and we talk in the book. Screen kids about an author who did this, William Powers, author of Hamlet's blackberry and he did it with his wife and teenage son from Friday he turn off the motor midnight and he wouldn't turn it back on until Monday morning. They did the whole weekend kind of is a test because they were seen they were drifting away from each other and for weeks they hated it. Just like why are we doing this, but by the third month force month.

They realize we live for this weekend where we turn it all off, where we read we relax.

It's almost like having a renewing vacation every weekend in your own home and then they looked forward to it and I love that story because we need that rest and rejuvenation and I love that they didn't like it at first because sometimes will try and then it doesn't work and we say that didn't work but you have to try it again and again and again and by week eight. Maybe you say hey that was really getting the hang of this.

So don't give up on that and it's a great test to see you can make it as a challenge, like which one of our family members will break first you know and reach for their social media. Whether it's a teenager. The husband, you can make it a contest but I love the idea of the Sabbath because a it encourages rest, be it gets you connect to your family members again and then see it's a great test like who's addicted. Who's having a problem because whoever screams the loudest. They're the ones who need to focus on and so it gives you a chance to explore doing other things together. You would not do if you didn't listen to that's right what what is your advice to parents of older children between archers who resist limitations to springtime okay I live in the real world. So you're not in a tell your teenager hey were going to take away your social media and they're not to say okay you evidently resist. So one of that, we've interviewed a nurse. Nurse Melanie Hamby and she talks about like a seven day reset.

And so, for instance, to say hey were going to do the seven day reset and that's kind of I think a great idea and then it can expand into a one-month reset and then from that you kinda see this new normal will usually for the older kids right the teenagers there like I'm not into this reset thing at all and I would say to that parent. Don't give up you are still the parent you most likely are paying the bill on that phone so you have the right and there under your roof, so don't feel like you're this unfair, awful person.

You're not you love your child and you're trying to help them and you tell me not respond, they might not might not see that turnaround even within weeks, but I encourage you still hang in there because at the end of the day your child will know my parent cared enough to try to help me and whether they know that in a month or whether they know that in a year or maybe 10 years, or maybe someday when their parents and they realize my parent was trying to help me but they will realize that Steve got to hang in there and maybe you begin with an apology and it's something like you know son we gave you this phone and we wanted you to be able to connect with your friends.

But we see that it's been really unhealthy for you. So were going to collect it and do an experiment for a month and I know you might think I'm the meanest dad in the whole wide world. I'm just doing this because I love you so you have this kind of conversation and were not promising. It's going to go great, but at least it will go better than hey we listen to this thing and what you're doing is completely wrong and were going to take it away. You know so you were have that conversation of care, and then think of the younger kids.

A lot of times you have a older child, but you've got younger children to her watching and perhaps in some ways it's been too late for that older child because there's so far along the for your younger kids. It could be something very redemptive, so, so don't give up. So the whole thing of trying to create screen segments of days or weeks. What are some of the creative family activities that we could do that don't include screens you want your kids have fun without screen so they realize all this is much more fun like I feel better. I feel healthier so you know you can sight see in your own town. Let's say you have didn't you have them able to travel because of COBIT.

Well you know what, most likely in your own town within two hours. There's something that you could see so sometimes you can just place I see her in your own town I live in San Diego and we have this freedom just like this boat that does like wheelies on the Watermill is really fun right and so I got this $25 group on and I took my son there and we had a blast. It was like sightseeing in your own town. Now there's the things that you're familiar with like having a game night or doing biking pulling out those boardgames you hiking, playing chess, all those things.

I know Dr. Chapman you play air hockey and my apparently ping-pong with their Greg. I know that and that our families been playing ultimate frisbee on Sundays water running really good for us. You know it could be music. Maybe your child is learning an instrument may be, you can have a family concert.

You could have a cooking contest. I know your granddaughter cooks you know you can have a cooking contest within your family have a cook off like a cookie cookoff aura main dish cookoff or whatever mom will love that you won't have to cook you could do an art contest at even within maybe some friends in the neighborhood and didn't display it in on the sidewalk. Things like that you could do at one time we did the school setting for the year suggest asking each child.

What's something new you want to learn this year or what something you want to become like you want to be more patient are, you know, etc. etc. and we took magazines and then they would cut out pictures from the magazines and put them on just that you know big posterboard of their different goals for the year and you can do this with really little kid, I remember one year my kid put out a toothbrush, the think because they wanted to learn how to brush their teeth know you can do this with really little kids and this is fun because you're cutting your pasting you're talking your dreaming and noticed you know none of these things involve a lot of money and they don't involve screens.

That's one of things I like about the book is so practical with those kind of ideas and these are the things gives you going to remember about the relationships in the home, things you did together with others with the whole family or whether one parent one trial right, these are your building memories when you do that, let's talk a little bit about the book for grandparents or grandparents are involved with their grandchildren and many of them honestly just feel intimidated brothers whole technology thing is, what would your site or grandparents or great-grandparents get involved in screens with their children and also help them under the rug. I think one thing grandparents can do is they can leverage their grandchild like a like there a tutor so it could be hey can you teach grandma how to text. Can you teach grandma how to insert a photo in the tax you teach grandma how to an end. To be honest with you I think if grandparents want to get on social media so that they can interact with their grandkids. I think that can be something good because they could look at their pictures and such and then when they see each other. They have more informed conversation so I see that you love whatever you know you love soccer and you can talk about that but you know but that's I also say that with caution because social media is a very persuasive and addictive platform and the more we can get kids off of social media and just talking in real life, you know, the better. So obviously as a grandparent if you're able just to text your grandchild or talk to them on the phone that would be ideal like that video chatting, that would be ideal but leverage your grandkids and Eskimos show grandma and grandpa how to do that because kids kinda like showing what they can do so that could be something that could bring you together and as a grandparent, maybe you can ask other grandparents you know when you run into situations, you can ask what you do about that.

Just pool that information and realize that you have more to offer as a grandparent than any videogame any apt you are more educational soaps talking with you spending time with you is better than hours and hours of educational television, so just get that in your mind that you as a grandparent you are more engaging than any apt even though you don't feel like it because your child, your grandchild, you know, is gravitating to the app not gravitating to just talking to you. But one thing to understand is a grandparent is that this technology is not that your inferior grandparent. It's that this technology has really been super wired to be very addictive for your child. So for the grandchild. It's like carrying a bag of M&Ms in their pocket.

If you have a device with them when they're with you on a visit there to keep reaching into that bag of M&Ms in there. It's a kind of a bottomless bag and they're going to keep eating so use a grandparent need to realize, oh it's not me that there that they're pushing away it just that they got this bag of M&Ms in their pocket that they keep grabbing so a huge part of the solution is get rid of the bad. So when they are with you as a grandparent and a grandchild. Having time together limit those devices get those devices out of there and that's can help the visit much more.

What should a grandparent do their duty of screen time is different from what their adult children. The parents of the grandchildren of slave AOL things you don't want to allow the work that out yet. In the book in grandparenting screen kids.

This is a clash of the caregivers you know it's hey were adults and we have different thoughts about this and and that's very common. Whether it's the grandparent who is like I want to buy my grandchild every technological gadget that ever was in the Paris thing. Wait a minute. Have you not read this book. Screen kids you know and also the opposite of the grandparent wanting to be very conservative, but the end can't believe that the parent let them watch as violent TV and you know awful video games you know and so I think the first thing is to realize that you are the grandparent and not the parent so that the primary responsibility for raising that child does not fall on your shoulders, but it does fall on your kids, but maybe you are the main caregiver like you're with the child more than the parent is because of work, etc. in that sense you still philosophically have to think I am the grandparent. I'm not the parent but you have this beautiful window is influence that when your grandchildren are with you, then it can be. Nana's rules and Papas rules and and that's okay you can have different rules in the home. Your home, then with your children. You know I remember when our kids were small, my mom and dad are close by, and so James, my husband was very conservative.

Not wanting them to watch much TV, but they would go to that house, and a like going to grandma and grandpa's house because they can watch DVDs there.

You know, Thomas the train and all these different things they loved it, but my husband liked what that's kind of a lot of TV there watching. So what we came to agree was if we are asking you to watch the kids as a favor, like a we have to go out. Can you watch the kids. That's your time, you do whatever you think you need to do, but if you're asking us you hey we want to have the kids over. We haven't seen them very much. Could they join us if you're asking us then we are requesting half an hour or less of screen time you things like that and it really they became very creative in thing.

Sometimes you'd see Styrofoam cups all over the house and they be hitting them with rubber bands. You know something very creative in what they came up with so have those conversations with your adult kids early. How can grandparents help teach their grandchildren.

Things like common courtesy those kind of things will happen with the kid on the screen right that's right.

And so grandparents what a beautiful way you are the hosts of common courtesy. She could have little play classes you know if you have little children how fun this is Grandma's courtesy class and you practice this is how you meet an adult you shake their hand post COBIT you shake their hand. You give them eye contact when you are serve food you say think you know this is how you put a napkin on your lap like kids don't.

My kids barely but there was a nicely on their nights will you teach you things you put your napkin on the lap. This is the silverware you wait till everybody serves.

Then you eat. These are all things you can practice a grandma and grandpa's house and then when you go out, let's say you're going out for ice cream as the kids get older and even with young kids, teach the kids to order for themselves so teach the oh speak up and you tell them what kind ice cream that you have my husband you know will tell you know my parents have leverage the kids more let make them do more. Don't do everything for them.

So have your kids, you learn these common courtesies of thank you and asking and ordering and clarifying, even calling you know if maybe the grandparent needs a phone call to be made to request service for something, you know like the refrigerant redressing effects you can have your grandchild that's maybe upper elementary school, middle school, high school hey can you make that call for me. So now all of a sudden that grandchild has to learn how to have that kind of conversation. These are common courtesies that a lot of kids feel very perplexed about, but the grandparent could be the wonderful bridge to teach them that were talking a lot about limiting screen time and mentioned the idea screen free places in the house talk a bit about that yet. As you whether your grandparent or parent. You can have things like screen free zones.

I think bedrooms. That's a perfect screen free zone for your kids bedroom, so if anything they could get a good night sleep. You know you could have screen free days or screen free meals, you know, so that there are habits in place so it's not like you have to think about it you want to make it as easy as possible for you to disconnect and to have different times in your day zones in your house where technology is not present pleasures that we really hold that real-time yeah we will not have the two video radio.

All we would match with the phone time to talk in our kids. Now they're grown, but look back and say some of the best memories we have sitting around the table and talking we could bring up things that happen in our lives and discuss them with each other.

You never get that, though screen looks talk a little bit about the benefit of technology.

How can technology really benefit the child's development yet.

I love to think about it as a digital vegetable or digital candy.

It just helps to categorize it so digital vegetable friend since the senior child wants to learn how to play the guitar.

How amazing that you online can find a teacher very easily on YouTube for free to teach your child how to play the guitar that that wouldn't have happened. You know 25 years ago so there are many things your kids can learn. My son learn 3D printing online. You know, whether it is filmmaking or becoming a plumber or pick six fixing the oil in your car or learning how to braided hair or learning about horses. That's what my 10-year-old likes to do things like that. There are things that you open up the world and teach you real-world skills so those would be like those digital vegetables. Whether it's a sermon from church. It's learning how to do math because you're having a hard time in school so you're supplementing it with some videos that kind of are helping your child with that math. Maybe you're learning a different language. All these things are wonderful ways to grow as a person, so that's a digital vegetable helps your child to grow but unfortunately most kids obviously are not growing there. They're not necessarily watching lectures and how to videos there watching funny videos shows and so that's digital candy so digital candy has its place, but when you eat too much. Just like in real life. It's not good you're looking for those digital vegetable than most kids will not gravitate to those by themselves, just like they don't do it in real life to real vegetables. You as a parent as a grandparent have to serve that up in the book we do discuss relational skills that children need to learn which they typically do not pick up screen. We don't have time to discuss those in the program today, but I do hope the parents realize that employees truly were going to learn to relate to other people is going to be in the home.

If I don't learn it there and spent too much time on screen the gun come to adulthood with a real handicap right that's right. That's exactly right that they need that emotional experience of being loved of being able to give love to be an appreciative grateful person.

All those things. Managing anger they need to learn that in the home and if you can teach your child that they're going to come out with a great advantage only as we go near the end of our time together. Let's give some action steps that parents can begin to implement in this whole area of being responsible in terms of the use of screens.

This is a hopeful part Gary at because it's not something hereditary. You're not trapped in this you can make changes and it can be very healthy for your home, you can start with mealtime. As we talked about getting that to be a screen free time you can collect devices from bedrooms not allowing a phone overnight. That's gonna help your teenager get sleep and it's gonna save them from many harmful things that are coming to them at 3 AM in the morning so not doing algebra to clock in the morning I'm you can educate your kids on persuasive design showing them hey, do you see how the next video cues up automatically that so you'll sit here forever child so you get to teach them. This is how it's white is bottomless. See how this is bottomless.

That's because they want to keep scrolling you so you just can help your kids understand this and I think something parents can do is delaying giving a child the device a you know an elementary school child does not need to device, a smart phone know you know, a middle school or high school or it could really be very healthy for them not to have a device so that they don't have those addictive behaviors start so early because social media tick-tock Instagram snapshot.

Those are all designed to be very addictive and we need to understand that you know as we close, I want to read this text that I saw online from a teenager he said this, I was starting to go through depression.

When I was about 11 maybe 12. All because of social media.

I would look at these girls and compare for legit hours. I didn't know what to do.

I just cried.

I started to get suicidal I would show up to school and act like I'm fine, but I wasn't. When I got my phone I thought it would be fun to download tick-tock and now it ruined my life.

This is an 11-year-old, 12 year old and we think we're doing them a favor by letting them be like their peers, and it's not a favor. It's something that can be very harmful for kids and that's I think what parents need to realize too much about the reading or learning but teaching a child on how to read, but having times to read giving them books to read is also important for parents to prep for parents and grandparents to realize right and how beautiful the library is free. This cost is even cost you anything.

And when you see a child reading a book. It opens up the world to them of whether it's imagination or whether it's learning how to do things overcome the difficulty it's a beautiful way to live and when your kids are just reading there's this feeling of peace in your home versus if your kids you know gaming run social media then you have this completely different feeling.

So yes, reading is such a beautiful answer. I was driving down the highway and saw a huge billboard that said children who read live happily ever after over starting with good reading in children having the reading time and reading books does open up the world to them so well. I wish we had more time, but I do hope that those are listening will read these books and one Britain to Paris, near the written grandparents because in today's world.

This is a hugely important aspect of raising children. Charlie, thanks for your involvement with Moody in the writing of these two books. Thanks for being with stability old Building Relationships, my pleasure. Thank you so much again to go to five love you will find screen kids five skills every child needs as well as grandparent screen kids how to help what to say.

Both are cowritten by our guest Darlene for looking at our host Dr. Gary Chapman go to five love God communicates his your URC no. Don't miss a powerful conversation while a big thank you to our production team with Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is reduction of radio in Chicago in association with publisher ministry at Moody Bible Institute

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