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The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
July 18, 2020 8:03 am

The DIY Guide to Building a Family that Lasts

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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July 18, 2020 8:03 am

​Is it possible to have the home life you want with the people you love? On a best-of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, Dr. Shannon Warden gives practical tools to help transform your home life. Renovating a relationship is a lot like fixing an old house. It takes a lot of “sweat equity,” which means hard work. But it’s worth it! Find some new tools to help your family on the next Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.


If you want to build a family that lasts.

Don't miss the do-it-yourself guide today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman to dream home why we are wanting to dream about dinner with you to draw up some plan and have them together. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller the five love today.

Dr. Shannon Warden joins Dr. Chapman to give a relational home makeover written a book together, titled the DIY guide to building a family that lives while improving your home life and find out more. Five love welcome to a summer festival broadcast 29 do-it-yourself or maybe better stated, allow God to do it in you program your energy toward building a lasting family. What you should reward in this new project proves what are the small things you can do that will reap huge benefits and rewards down the road. We're going to hear about those things that we talk to Dr. Warden, let me introduce her. She's assisted teaching professor at Wake Forest University where she teaches in the graduate counseling program.

She's also the director of counseling and director of women's ministries at Triad Baptist Church in Kernersville, North Carolina. She's counseled children, families, young adults, women and couples for more than 20 years and she served as an assistant to Dr. Chapman since 2003.

She and her husband Stephen have three children are featured resource today is the book the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life.

You find out more.

Five love Dr. Gordon welcome to Building Relationships where I you have been working alongside me for a long time. Remember years ago when you came on our staff at the church as a counselor before you went back to college and get your PhD and then taught three years in Gardner Webb University or Megan Morton three before you can force and and appreciate what you've done the last several years with me and I get so many emails from all over the country that I can handle all of them. Chris is just is just too many and trust Shannon to respond to some of those people form a unit were very open and honest, I'm not. She's not appearing to be me, but this is been a real help. Along those lines. Teresa right to have you with us today what you think so many parents struggle to be the kind of parents that they really want to be first are busy and how we could be personally any busier than we are right now. This work full-time and leadership roles. We got three kids that we love dearly.

They are very active are younger, we actually nail made into the teenage years so you know 87 there something going on all of the time and I think at a very bad that busyness is a reason that parents struggle to be that apparent that they want to be in distress in general that comes along with being busy and I know there's all sorts of really cold that we talk a lot about that in the DIY guide to building a family that lasts them into tolls for how to organize differently, let some things get, etc. and that in such a scenario, which we cited the struggle Israel for that right now and it is in the stress that comes along with that. I really, deeply personal for my listeners to just describe because they are where you are both working in children home and we do all this together let's talk about that one of the things it really is kind of fundamental and that is we have to draw up plans and forgot to make changes, but we would not really sitting around thinking about drawing up plans most most right yet the drawing. It planted and is not an intentional for me and the counselor as a parent is talking about a single regular basis that literally ask myself what's working right now it's not working. What are you gonna do about it from that so far my life, nothing has magically changed in a way God is always working and beyond our limitations for sure is a point to me things in my life and say thank you God that you are again and again thank you thank you thank you that intentionality does not come naturally around that subject of drawing up plans course were trying to really give the folks some help for for home improvements and sent them for family improvements.

It is important. However, if at all possible that the mom and day get on the same page right to be working work in the same blueprint lately. Think about it just built a house which was an incredible process and up Chapman and his wife Carolyn yelp came over blessed us about being a parent had the great privilege of getting to interview y'all on all these years of marital success and and you know you're very honest about and think that should help like they will be able to find that I was very very little trouble you think it's a giggle that hopefully will find it to the five level in which as well that the interview that we were talking about how the process of building our house and course.

That's really the same throughout the book. Looking at your your building upon your renovating a home that home-improvement metaphor, we just had so much time playing off of that and relating it to how it is. We had family you can make that home life improvement that will for Phyllis.

I knelt to the home as building a home we have two builders are two general contractors we had one yet he consulted with you got what it was you. We wanted. He listened, trying to bring that to life in the home, but he was one person in our two people where the general contractors if you will ever home in our family life and tend to really get on that same page that you mentioned. You know how hard it takes effort it takes humility to definitely talk about and in the book as well.

How do you even get on the same page.

To begin with what work through this book together in chapter by chapter. So yeah there something we need to do something we need to do, but obviously if one of them is not willing want to at least expose themselves to it right counseling a lot. Why has Mandel been very motivated their motivated deep counseling that the other person may be a little halfhearted, or in certain ways that case, but it is often the case, and that is it does even decide we equally want to be here. We want to equally engage in honestly adhere to change a cheerleader in moments like that just grateful to both of them for going to be on the same page and think back to Canada blueprint ID here in the drawing up the plans when we think as couples when it is we want in our home life fairly intuitive or good sense that that get home. Life is not going to come about if there is resistance in the cup If they are, and as the general contractors of the builders beside the builders of the home. They is the builders if they have disagreement or conflict between them absolutely can have trouble moving forward with this plan set that's a great starting place is when folks are thinking about getting the car there early and reading the book that they invite each other into it.

Let's listing this together.

Let's start to dream about that home life that we are wanting it cannot happen on its own. Let's dream about. Together, let's begin to draw up some plans and have sat together to accomplish this plan resource we have for you today is the book Chapman stocks in Warden. It's titled the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life. You find out more right there@

Let's talk about some of the tools for families who want to really improve their family life. In the book we addressed 12 of those but give us a couple of them right now Dr. Warden in terms of the folks understanding the kind of things were dealing with in the book and I think they're all great interested boy today even start.

We start with building kindness that is said to I guess what you say it's it's taken for granted, a lot of times, as we we have families with capitals would naturally be kind to each other that you and all these years of counseling and me and mine are pretty certain pretty clear that sometimes goes out the window and families are often consulted with us how we bring kindness back to you not change our tone with each other. How do we show more consideration. How do I get my kids to stop fighting you know they're there in the car there arguing how you get them to stop Patty how do you get your family to be able to build kindness at the first of the day. We start with building kindness again. Kids just can't take that for granted and without.

It is difficult to pull off the rest. The tools that we we wanted to come in just at the beginning of the bit with building things. I think this was your idea is actually doing the same the member's permission to call the cell were not kind that will help me out very verbal kids, which I gotta mean it ain't they they are growing up in a counselor same way and say what were very, I did not think appropriately say really but they are coming out even on say issues like not being on my cell phone and said much of my work is done on my cell phone and on a laptop and that Presley let me tell you now these are not actual when they are words but what principle do is actually grab my chin very gentle very gentle hill grandma can she draw you drags my chin over to her and obviously a nonverbal way. She then proceeds to tell me what it is she wants me to know that her kind way of calling me out, you're not paying attention to me will often let me know if were not playing us together. Mama you're working. We should be playing. I would like this and make her young age.

She is actually that articulate and say they will for sure at my house.

Call me out and get appropriately at you now. This addition no boundaries on that we were not going to teach and disrespect her. We want them to be thoughtful but they surely will they surely will call us out if we are not being kind and that just happens to be one example of the cell phone or being busy on the computer. What will we grow moving away from selfishness to kindness. What we've done is taken a unique DIY do-it-yourself concept we said let's do it ourselves. You not do it yourself first. Let's let you and I check our sales.

Where are we occasionally unkind. Let me listen to my tone. Let me listen to my word choices. I want to know what they are, that that a person my husband and my children. I want tonight what they are reaction was to my words to my timing to my Tom that didn't DIY is me first and foremost, looking at myself examining my self-awareness, I can make changes and then began to actually set out on making that change is not only the awareness that the action on the awareness that really brings that DIY concept to live in the specifics you heard me say they're just getting that one short example or are self-awareness listening to timing, tone, word choices, watching the reactions of my loved ones to check myself how in just those wasted drama communication. How can I check myself and make some changes such that I might be more current to the end and in my words so parents are there working on this before more effective, but the children yeah absolutely DIY. Listen anything of selfish acetoin salience to this human nature. I want them to DIY you doing yourself.

Stop talking to me that way.

Can't you see you on a call. Can't you see I'm working on any default close. I don't have time to address babies address tone and in my expectation. They are of them is such that is demonstrated that it doesn't tell me that coming from a tired place a busy place.

Yes, that parent families a severe warning to make changes if you're wanting to go after that dream home life. Much like Christie said early on that dream house. Yeah we we were building these dream homes and trying to renovate to make them more comfortable now switchover into family life. If we want to accomplish that dream life that dream home life where you happen with that you do it yourself first. Gotta do it myself. First let me DIY do-it-yourself such that my kids can see if leave and my husband is whelm a llama spouse can see and be encouraged in his own DIY efforts as well. You know I that first answer that you gave Dr. Warden about why we struggle. I say again and my wife and I have nine kids and really have nine children and I think that it's very difficult to love well or build a family when you're afraid you know you're there just so much fear about well what if I make a mistake on this. In kindergarten I send my child to the wrong first grade class is over you and you you you just build up this fear and then you get on the other side of it and you look back and you are weighted with guilt for you know well I didn't do that right. I didn't do that right so this fear and guilt. I think really adds to the weight of the struggle of parents and then you you add in a spouse that's not on the same page and you just got your urine you're slogging through mud, trying to get your cart is great big morass, and you can't do that.

You can't love well when you're afraid or you feel guilty.

Do you agree with that. You chapter Chapter 8 developing compassion is the opposite is the shining and the blaming we we want to which we do feel the fear creeps that you're calling out fear of failure and that might come from past mistakes. It might even come from our own family of origin failure. They are in and you know what we may just be high achievers. We got to be this way you can't be can't be any Ranson so close to my heart.

Self compassion. We love you. That's probably my favorite chapter strictly chapter I developing compassion and yet we we actually critically talking that chapter about some of the research that the same for University school of medicine has done around compassion and those folks out there.

You are finding forested.

There are displeasure. There's decreased levels of stressors, strengthening of the mean system have either added vantages and that's really working on the home life goal of more compassion you are using that tool as compassion, developing compassion such that we can deal a little bit better with that fear. Fear is paralyzing yeah and we really do parents and Gary. You know all these years, and in helping couples and families. We can really get hung up in fear and what were asking you to do. You listener and reader is to get that sledgehammer out in a week.

We watch others great home-improvement shows get sledgehammer out and start demolishing rights to the demolition day kind of thing start demolishing some of that fear is about to go at once now but with that transparent intentional mindset.

Can you get to work demolishing those old roots of fear and start getting busy just in this area in particular I developing compassion for yourself for your family.

Just that can take you long life breaking through that breaking through that fear disrespects all parents somewhere along the line will feel coming from their children, disrespect, and you know one way to approach that is the father says to the child, you are going talk to your mother like that is not respectful your mother.

You hear what I'm saying this are better with that little bit here and you respond to its awaited the luck to be more effective than simply condemning the child and yelling at the child and that comes from beating for having learned that as a parent that you yourself having senior parents model that it's a way that instead do is SAB and not as I do and in that moment, if it was a mistake that parent was sitting down and was having a casual conversation, we flees taking them out of that moment where the West is having a casual conversation and we say to the enemy on a neutral moment. How is that working for you. Pretty sure they get@just on that very basic level of exploration self-awareness. I find it that's not working or at the very basic level it's not working like the kid maybe does eventually do what they do. You show me respect, that is the child doing it with pouting or or anger. Is it resentful as it is their reaction a resentful reaction now parent check yourself on how is this again. It was taken away from that moment was even advance it to another instance where the child perhaps is not even being disrespectful but they are just generally firing off EE in a similar tone that you're talking to them in any other moment here we are with that parent. When a neutral moment and we would say how's that working for you. You might have learned that you might be tired. That kid maybe have a serious issue and in it he or she needs some help it since it was not was not remove the child from blank here.

Sometimes kids do get sassy and and I do need to be corrected. How's that working for you to fire off at them. You will do what I say and I should try to love myself.

Lord knows I have said stop it, but my heart behind that is my heart one as disrespecting the child and if it is not modeling anything positive. For example, in fact, only adding to the problem. Said I'm announcing some multiple things there, but it's it is it working for you really take an assessment of that is it working for you then self-awareness thinking not only in this moment this test moment. But beyond how's my child occasionally speaking to me in a way that I'm speaking to Pam. While I might need to pull back on this. In fact Gary Allen again. Here is another cool tool that we have added to this basic is the home life inspection quiz parents please sign this quiz grandparent that I love to talk to the grandparents to grandparents, you're watching with an observant of how your children are right are your children are now writing your grandchildren. Encourage them to get the book encouraged him to go online and take this free cancer so quiz home life inspection quiz. That's where we encourage readers to essentially weigh in on how is it going for you house is working and that's of course one of the questions you know around respect and gratitude. The tool that we talk about in the book conduct in decreasing disrespect. We want to increase gratitude to definitely take a look at the home life inspection quiz to get you focused on areas that need improvement in your home life is what the point is really really important.

That is, if our children are speaking in a disrespectful manner to us by probably learned it from us something to them. So for for us to ask ourselves what you're saying is that word is really working for us and nothing to say to the child. You know, rather than coming down hard and condemning them to say no.

I listened this afternoon when you were talking to your mother and up. It sounded like you were talking a little loud and harsh to feel about that youth did you feel okay about the way you talk to your mother letting the kid think letting them enter into you know you not condemning them. You're asking questions.

I think it's a powerful way to help a child begin to think about what they're doing and how their talks. Another area that we really deal with I think is important is the whole point of gratitude.

Children had to be taught how to slice simple footings. Looks like you as adults we often fail to reckon all the good things that God is given us that we just take for granted everyday.

So how do we build a sense of gratitude into our family in each chapter. The DIY guide to building last we have sections that are consistent throughout the bit. There is a DIY section and it's really encouraging the individual parent. Look at himself.

How is it that I may change lately spec it out now previously that the DIY section. There's a planning or drawing up the plans section dinners and all and budget sections await you with their weight. I love and our families love home improvement and home improvement television.I'm guessing he doesn't love it, but there's probably somebody out there.

We love it and have made several improvements or homes over the years, but haven't you we got this section. Not all in budget section and that's where were talking to the reader inviting them to invite their family all here right to get all in and in one of the things that we have said there is just it would help pay attention to what is were grateful for you to watch. Let's let go of the but what about pretty get that wet will yeah I'm grateful, but what about note we really want you to try to put the brakes on the but what about excuses that takes us right back down critical and sometimes disrespectful path we are wanting you to encourage readers and listeners right now willing to encourage you to really examine this column and gratitude in your house. This effort toward gratitude. Invite your family all in and it becomes a game type of mentality. It lightens things. It takes us away from over focusing on what's wrong it moves our focus more to what's right. One of them yet. The other sections in the book of course in each chapter is sweat equity for Linda all in budget we say hey everybody get involved nailing the sweat equity equity section were saying.

And here's some things you can do here some tools that you can do some activities and one of the very first lines that we say in this chapter under the sweat equity section is appreciate your spouse and children and this comes from Dr. Chapman you all this is when his awesome ideas. Keep your list of gratitude needs that we want to keep the list visible, perhaps on a refrigerator. Perhaps somewhere in a central location in the family what we can actively recognize in a written way little smiley face weigh them there so many fun things we can do is families that we want to keep lists of grantees and that's one of the many practical, easy, doable DIY accounts of activities that that we've added to the book, and in particular this chapter and gratitude is keep lists of gratitude that we know the conflict is in the marriage relationship conflicts in parent-child conflicts but it's important to learn how to resolve conflicts in a positive way and we both know that many people have never learned it took me a long time internal hope to learn how to solve conflicts was on the positive steps in resolving conflicts. If the if the parents are in conflict with each other about nuclear perspective as if it is a pastor. Hang on, with either the past. PST or is it a stat TEP same letters right is a task or is it a step and the difference in the taste of how is it that we are experiencing this conflict is an annoyance to list many of the past and kind to me what these words and acronyms for each PSTN STP. This annoyance of conflict, I gotta tell you is an annoyance that he replied to play nice and truthfully back to human nature.

I just want everybody to do what I say day I got some control issues were working on that this conflict is a past or is it a stat that PST. Here is his BS patients. He is patient's past patients and staff its patients. Is it lower.

How is your patient's level low or high listener, you wanting to ask yourself well. How is my patience level is very simply put, is it lower half and that it's going to help determine if it's low if my patience is low, you're probably leaning to the past that this is the PMP. It would be in a team the past and his staff, patients is high and ultimately if I should say the annoyance would be to test is an opportunity would be to stay at this conflict and opportunity for growth and opportunity for improvement or is it just sheer annoyance and and again we have to look at our peril.

Patient's level, the E and Pastore In-Stat is expectation are our expectations my way or our way. If it's my way. My expectations are about me and what I want would probably can't leaning more to this feeling like and therefore is handling it handling it like it's an annoyance or past so that was the E expectations.

My way or our our way style are is yours and argumentative or are you open to compromise and sell units that is in us determining if this annoyance.

I'm likely not do much with it. It's productive, or is this a stamp is this is this conflict a stamp and is my style open to compromise. And lastly that T is treatment of the other person is it harsh or loving. We had fun.

This is something that that I use with clients not I use with a lot of women's teaching or parenting teaching is talking about. Well let's first look at it.

Is this a test file for months at one of annoyance.

I'm mad about this conflict commanded. It's not going my way. And yes, I probably am a little sour or disrespectful toward my loved ones and that way it would be a pest, but how is it we switch to seeing you as a stamp is an opportunity for positive Verizon for first-order dishes for me in my my mind. Are you listener in your mind. Determining okay and my expansiveness as a as an annoyance or as an opportunity and once we can kind of get our mindset more to seeing it as an opportunity or a stat in the right direction.

The more we can do that, the more likely we are to be able to make good use of the conflict to say that a little bit of a paradoxical way. Use of the conflict said that there that were in that way it's not. This is awful were never gonna work through the is why have you done this this way. It's now wait a minute, take a breath. How is this possible opportunity for great how can we make a stamp, not past the metaphors we use in the book is pipes in the house clogged pipes and remember you said everything flows a lot easier through clogged pipes. How does it relate to the co-communication part of relationships well I got a categorize stories impairment hello great story. I was just recently realizing in my beautiful wages in recent how now built his house and got a really beautiful bathroom vanity and I'm thinking minute faucet is backing at her that he had the yeah drain. Rather, the drain backing at pretty new house and it's beautiful. You know it still be and I'm like you, and I'm thinking found the culprit beautiful thing, but clogged pipes and you know and save that which is another thing kids up for all of his CAE can have things really working well. This is a relatively new house that we are using this house and and and and and therefore already built up a couple little problems that that you mention. I think earlier, Dr. Chapman did talk about maintenance and will get the maintenance and little bitterness in the top but I'm realizing there. There is a problem have to unclog the sky. So what we did with that in terms of the metaphor and how just like building homes were Building Relationships.

We said that if the pipes in our communication that is is unclear if it is harsh if it's inconsiderate.

If these types of things are happening at their patterns of these types of patterns are happening in our communication. The pipes are getting get clogged so rather than the hair that was clogging think I think probably a lot of the women knew exactly what I was talking about.

I know our pipes are quad you know if a similar way, if our communication is called if we got some harshness. If we have some inconsideration and if we are not clear in our communication may be sending mixed messages.

At times it's really easy to block that those that flow of communication that we had a lot of fun. Chris talk about pipes leaking pipes and clogged pipes when we were talking about communication and as thick words in the book we talk about 05 models of communication.

Explain that to us physical illustrations and I literally have listened in this interview right now and I hear half orc my kid. They probably literally reaching over your Montag base at 7:30 and we we are physically led to learn in physical ways and say literally that when we were talking about this in there.

There wasn't a visual and physical peace to that like 1/2 bath like hand-to-hand half and that was what we want to capture and to encourage families that have some fun with this. The literal fees and then you know it works out. Gary your famous in 1/2 of the son of that it made sense that we we went with five season. We said is our communication consider it calm, clear, concise and consistent in any given moment, we can pull off. Consider it calm you and I really did mom moment some very calm proud of myself handling these challenges and really calm way for my good moments I can pull off. Consider it calm, clear, concise, consistent the is this is the thing that we are maybe of all of the signs are all important belt. Equally important that the consistency is the CS for reason and how consistent is this. We don't want to district our family on calm right now that all mom is going to not be, now I don't know if I can trust her not matter what what his mom would be today or yeah I wish you were more that mom instead. This mommy I have heard so many kids and in adults even reflect back on their childhood and Ella Carol mount family life. I see these five turned out to be a fine visual inference physical way of learning a family to start going all in together to give each other half when we are exercising any of these five cities were considerate. Hey, thank you for being considerate of mom right there he saw was on the phone and he gave me a couple more minutes you saw was talking with dad.

Hey listen I knew the faith to Stephen, hasn't I know that you could take an issue we see this differently.

I really appreciate you staying, you express your feelings around the saints with this all in its firm and its inviting openness it's inviting accomplishment that these are accomplishable goals. So where have been that listener that you take this and think okay half. I hear them I can do that we can have son in her family with yes we can make these home wise improvements that they're talking about in the DIY guide to building a family that last week do these things. We have our family must have five like the best of them. That is five fees.

That's what you want to spend time teaching yourself in teaching your kids, considerate, clear, concise and consistent start working the book you talk about creating building connections but there's a section on maintenance that I want to highlight here before we in the program today talk about maintenance. I recently had always worked this great class absolutely not get this ready for you in a deviant and down and and similarly our relationships don't always stay perfect. Thank but I don't ever perfect, but they're not always so great in adding listener, you know that Gary nodded at Christina that it takes work. It does take effort, just as I cleaned my house and had it working great for that event. While it's not the event that should drive her home maintenance efforts necessarily shouldn't let that distract my home maintenance efforts. The Indian similarly now if we want our relationships to really last not just one time we not just clean them up. One time we got our communication right. We work through us in anger or forgiveness issue. One time we built trust.

One time we had one time he had spent one time unit that you actively seek the maintain that grace. So it's not just the once, and I cleaned it one time and now it's down. I know you have regularly want to clean her, you know, in this case there was relationships maintain do the good work and staying connected do the good work is being kind, being respectful, showing gratitude for loving each other being more patient at work on a daily basis and yeah some of you say no, no, we're not going to be patient every day crazy with nine kids I'm thinking some point, you were not patient with each other. Gary and he feared some great stories about your family and that y'all have not always been patient will have Wayne listener Norton or have you or will you it's it's not about always. It's about maintaining it's about maintenance regular attention to detail. Now these relationships regular care and upkeep so that you're not somewhere down the railroad. Thank yourself, if only meaninglessness right now you got some of that regret. That sadness is only we had been more respectful if only our communication had been better, etc. you hear you're doing that we do that us as people, we would actually think it's only this and what were talking about in in the DIY family book is that we can maintain it's not perfection is not perfection that you're looking for, but it is maintenance and upkeep regularly checking in with each other regularly DIY doing your sales regularly inviting and all in an effort to sweat equity that is required to accomplish that be reveal.

We love the big reveals the home-improvement shed year working toward a big reveal in your home life, and it absolutely is can require maintenance unclogging the pipes and apologizing but what the book does is give us a blueprint to work on any couple out there that truly sincere and I think there's a lot of couples that want to have a growing family relationship of this book is going to give them a lot of practical ideas on how to do that so Jordan is been great to talk with you today on the program. It was so fun writing this book with you and I do hope that our vision or hope or desire that folks will pick this up and defunded to be a very practical to let that dream come true so flexibly with us today. God bless you for all that you continue to think he will know you have some tools for that repair project for your marriage right you need more specific help go to five love find the book we've been talking about by Dr. Shannon Ward and Dr. Gary Chapman. It's titled the DIY guide build the family.

The class XII tools for improving your home again, go to five love and next week our summer best of series continues with Robert and Nancy Demoss will encourage us to trust God to wider stories and embrace the mysteries is missed.

A big thank you today to Steve with Janice. Todd seems Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman radio in Chicago in association with a ministry in the Bible and thanks for the

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