Dear Gary | September

Across Africa, millions of Christians are suffering a Bible famine. They hunger for God's Word, but there simply aren't enough Bibles. Today, Timothy Project is close to launching Africa's first Bible web press. To help complete this project, visit timothyproject.info. This is becoming more and more stressful between the two of us.

He's claiming that all the money we have is his money. I just really miss not having time with my granddaughter. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller * "The 5 Love Languages" *. Today, your questions about the love languages, in laws, and more on our September edition of Dear Gary.

And let me say it early and often: we would love to hear your question for Dr. Chapman on future broadcasts. Here is the number for our listener line: one eight six six. Four two four, Gary. Again, eight six six four two four four two seven nine.

The very struggle that you're having right now in a relationship might be just what somebody else needs to hear.

So, give us a call. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource, a book by Dr. Chapman that he wrote with Jolene Philo, sharing love abundantly in special needs families. It's sub. Titled " "The 5 Love Languages" for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities." Again, find out more at BuildingRelationships.us.

And Gary, that is a growing segment of the population: families with children who have special needs. And there's more help now, I think, than there used to be. Do you agree?

Well, there is Chris, and that's why I wrote this book as well. Because Jolene Philo, my co-author, as you mentioned, has a special needs child, and she has worked in that field, and had found "The 5 Love Languages" very, very helpful. But also knew something about the nuances of how to use "The 5 Love Languages" , you know, with special needs children.

So, if our listeners haven't heard of that book, I hope they'll get it because it will be a great help to them in expressing love to their child with special needs. We have it linked right there at the website, buildingrelationships.us. The title again: Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families. All right, I want to start with two in-law struggles, if we could, Gary. And be aware, next week, Dr.

Kathy Cook is going to address resolving conflict between parents and adult children.

So that's coming up in one week. But I want to hear your perspective on these. Here's the first question: I have a situation with my mother-in-law. My husband and I are having to keep her at a distance. We've had family meetings many times and told her where we stand and let her talk as well.

And try to set boundaries, and she will not respect us. If she does, it only lasts for a month or so. Then she goes right back to the way it was. She shows up all the time with no text or call. She tries to mother our kids, and she tries to mother us and tell us what we should do.

I have prayed, and the Lord has softened my heart. And then she goes right back to doing what she was doing, and my heart hardens again.

So that's the situation, Gary. What do you say?

Well, I say first of all, I identify with what she's saying, and I have empathy for her and her husband.

Okay, I think sometimes mother-in-laws forget. That they have an adult child who is married and perhaps has children, as in this case, and so they just keep on mothering. You know, they keep on mothering, keep on being a parent. I would say that you know, there, there. I've written a book on that, and Kathy Cook has written a book on that.

That I think you might find helpful. But I do think, or that she might find helpful, you know, put it in her hands and say, "I heard about this book," and okay. But I do think, really, I think your husband is in the best position. To communicate how the two of you feel with her, because you you've tried to you know the family things before they haven't worked, but for you to be the one who the wife to be the one who is verbalizing this to her mother-in-law, I think just creates a barrier between the two of you. Your husband has a relationship with her that you don't have.

You know, this is mother, so I'd say let him be the spokesperson. Spokesman to share whatever the two of you agree needs to be shared. The other factor is, of course, we we can't control her. I mean, we can make requests, and you've done some of that in the past, but we can't control her. And sometimes we have to adjust to the disposition and the character traits.

And the behavior traits of of inlaws who who just are not responsive, but I wouldn't give up. I think periodically, if the husband could have a conversation with his mother, and just reiterate some of the things that you you have said in the past, you know who knows maybe along the way she may soften herself. But again, we can influence another person. We cannot control the other person. But far better to Have positive words along with whatever you are bringing up that you wish she wouldn't do, expressing some gratitude for some of the things that she has done.

That kind of creates a more positive atmosphere before you deal with the thing that's really troubling you. I see some hope in here because she says she'll do it for a few weeks or a month. You know, so if you give words of affirmation, Mom, in the last month you have done so well with that that request that we made, and then you know, I just wanted you to know how much we appreciate. You know, you put it, couch it in those terms, and maybe she'll it'll click with her because it sounds like she like yours truly. I get in my set ways, and I just go.

I just go back to doing what I do relationally, unless I have a somebody help me see what I can't see.

So I see a little bit of hope there. What about you? Yeah, yeah, exactly right, Chris. And the fact that you affirm, you know, over the last month, Mom, you've done really well with this. But you know, last week what happened, and so I'm just want to remind you because I really appreciate what you've done, and I know that I know that you can you can help us here a lot if you can continue to.

To make those changes, yes. You mentioned the book by Dr. Cook, which is "Resolve Conflict and Find Peace and Hope with Adult Children." We'll talk about that in a week. Your book about that topic is "Your New Life with Your Adult Child." You can find out more about those at BuildingRelationships.us. All right.

So there's in-law question number one. Our first caller also has a struggle with her mother-in-law, and we pick up in the middle of her call. Here's the gist of her problem. We had several run-ins, and I just wanted to get some feedback on how possibly we have handled the situation. Recently, she wants my husband to purchase a house for her because she put herself in a financial situation, and now she needs a home.

And again, we've had several issues in the past. She's the person that very.

So righteous and thinks she's better than others. And basically, while we were discussing the financials and so on and so on, things that he did, and I kind of aired out what I've been holding back for many years. And we're not technically talking right now. She says she's at peace and things need to be said, but I don't think it's over. And I do feel some guilt.

And how I felt, and how I expressed myself. I didn't want to get to this point, but I just I'm looking for feedback.

Well, I think the first thing I would say is if you feel guilty about the way you responded to her, that is, you know, maybe harsh words or loud words or whatever. I think the first step is an apology. It's just to say, I just need to share this with you. I lost my temper the other day when da da da da da da, and that was wrong. And I want to ask you to forgive me for that.

I think that'd be the first step on your side, in terms of buying a house for his mother that you all cannot afford. I think he's the one to communicate that to her, and to say not you, but he says to her, "Mom, I really wish I could do that, but we are not in a position financially to buy you a house." Now, if she really desperately needs help. And having a place to live, certainly. As her son, he wants to do everything he can to help her. And if he has brothers and sisters, he would like to.

He should bring them into the situation. Say, "Here is mom's situation, and we we need to do something to try to help her." But you can't do something that you can afford to do. Again, I believe that what I said earlier is that the the son or the daughter of the of the person is the one that's best equipped to communicate to them because they have a relationship, a lifelong relationship with them.

So rather than you, like the daughter-in-law, trying to communicate to her your concerns or your request. Or whatever, far better to let the husband do that because it's his mother, and you're far more likely to have a positive response. I would, however, continue to work at having a positive relationship. There's some people you cannot have a positive relationship with because whatever you do is always wrong. But it's always worth the effort.

And as I said, I want to say it again. I think the place to start is with an apology. That you apologize to her and say I overreacted, and I lost my temper, and I said some things I should not have said, and I want to ask you to forgive me. That could be the first step in making the relationship better. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman. This is our Dear Gary broadcast for September. We'd love to hear your question at eight six six four two four Gary. Leave your message. Maybe you have a question about the upcoming holiday season and a strained relationship you have.

Call one eight six six four two four four two seven nine. And at the website buildingrelationships.us, you'll find out about our featured resource.

Source today, the book by Doctor Chapman and Jolene Philo, "Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families." Go to buildingrelationships.us. We've received a lot of dating questions from younger listeners through the years, middle-aged listeners too. Here is one about octogenarian relationships. Hello, Gary. I am 84 years old, and I am in a relationship with a 80-year-old.

But I have difficulty enjoying conversations with him, even though he offers me many compliments. He often says he loves me. He also is an atheist, and regards anything, any religious, specifically ritual activity, as Foolish, ridiculous, and unscientific, and stuff like that. And I love all of those things. I have a relationship with God, and I can't talk to Him about it.

This is becoming more and more stressful between the two of us. This this deep disagreement, and even quarrels, is not helped by the fact that we. Enjoy touching, or that we offer each other compliments, or that he does many wonderful things for me and gives me gifts. Oh, although we both believe in serving other people and in loving other people, and he's really very good about that sort of thing. It's just that he wants to leave God out in the engagement rituals.

I don't see how that fits into any of "The 5 Love Languages" . The time we spend together is marred by the fact that I can't talk to him about the things I that mean the most to me. What's the good of spending time together when we can't have a conversation? And I love conversations. I mean, the compliments and the gifts don't compensate for that.

It feels as if the touching is about the only thing we really have. What do I do now? I've I'm not going to speak to my clergyman. My clergyman will probably say I shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't believe in any deity. I don't know what else to do next.

Thank you. Bye.

Well, you have to feel for her pain because at her age, she has found a person that. She does have a lot of positive things about him, and they do some things together that she enjoys and his positive gifts and those kind of things. But she is dealing with the real issue. You know, the scriptures say, "Can two walk together if they're not agreed?" And that doesn't mean we have to agree on everything, but we certainly have to agree on the most important thing for any of us. And that is our relationship with God.

Life's meaning is not found in things, even in gifts. Life's meaning is found in our relationship with God, and it appears that our caller has a really close relationship with God, which is incredibly wonderful. That's what God wants to have with every one of His children. But if he is not only is he not a Christian, but he's not even willing to talk about it, and he puts down people who believe there is a God, I think on the major issue in a relationship you disagree.

So I think there does come a point. If he's not open, for example, to going to church with you, he's not open to reading a Christian book on apologetics, which is you know defending the Christian faith. He's not willing to talk about it. Then it's a closed door. And as hard as it might be, I think there is a place to say to him, "I have enjoyed our relationship." But I have to be honest with you.

I cannot go on because we are walking to the beat of a different drummer, and I I cannot continue a relationship with someone who is not even open to talking about our relationship with God, and who insists that there is no God.

So it's just matter of having a strong, hard relationship. Once you've made the decision, you have to make the decision. No one can make it for you. But I think, in the light of what you've said, that's probably what it's going to come to. But you'll have to think your way through it and decide when to do that.

But if he has been that strong, as I heard in your voice, of not even wanting to talk about it, you're not gonna. You're not gonna have a healthy relationship, and there comes a place to recognize that. And I think she is so articulate, and she she's able to you know encapsulate what I just love how she put all you know these these things together. But then she said, "I can't talk to my pastor, my clergyman, because I know what I'm going what I'm going to hear." She doesn't want to hear it. She doesn't want to hear you know.

And it's like, okay, I get that. This is the same thing that you would hear from a teenager. And and I'm not putting either a teenager or an 80 year old down. It's like this is the same issue: a teenager who's who's dating somebody that is not really going to not good for her, you know, or him. And and the parents try to say yeah, but try to talk some sense is like no, I don't want to hear that.

Yeah, so she, I think you're right. I think she has to come to this on her own rather than having somebody tell her, you know, reveal it. Don't you? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. It's a decision she has to make, but she's already wrestling with it.

She already has that sense that the deepest thing that I want to talk about, I can't even talk about with him. You know, this is my life. This is the heart of my life, and so. But yeah, she has to come to the decision to recognize that this this she's not going to find satisfaction in this relationship unless he is open to move, start moving in a direction. to To discover that not only is there a God, but that God loves him and wants to have a relationship with him, but apparently he is unopen to that option.

Well, can't can't they just be friends? I mean, is it possible to just say, okay, we don't, I don't want to date anymore. You know, want to spend this time, but I still want to be friends with you, and let's have conversations about you know the weather or whatever. He's probably not going to like that, but you know that that she can still stay in a relationship, just not a close one like she's talking about. What do you think of that?

Well, I think that's a possibility, you know, but I and I don't know what the nature of their relationship is. I don't know how many times they're seeing each other, or even I don't I don't know. May they may be living together, for that matter. I don't I don't. It wasn't wasn't clear what she said, but yes, you can be friends with non Christians, but the depth of the relationship is limited because you can't talk about spiritual things.

That's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is our dear Gary broadcast for September.

So glad you're listening. If you have a question for Gary for a future broadcast, eight six six four two four Gary.

Now, a love language question from a mom who wants to express a specific love language. Hi, Gary. I have a question. I have an adult son. His primary love language is quality time, so I was just asking, like, what would be the best way to show quality time for adult fun?

Thank you. We'll get in my call. I think the answer would lie in what he is interested in in life. If he is into sports, for example, but you know nothing about sports, then to begin to learn something about sports, so you could talk about a topic that he has real interest in, I think if he invites you to go out for dinner, that would be a setting in which you could give quality time, or you could invite him. To have dinner with you, now she didn't say whether he's married or whether he's not married.

A single son would probably be very open to have dinner with his mother, especially if if she's going to cook. But even going out to a restaurant would probably be good. Quality time means that you give the person your undivided attention for a period of time, and so it's finding a context in which you can give undivided attention.

Now, if he is super super busy, has a full time job, has a family, marriage, and has a family, obviously he has less time than she has. If she's if she's single and and and you know has is free and not not engaged in. Working and all that sort of thing, but that—that's the basic concept. Is you want to find a place and time along the way on a somewhat regular basis, in which you can give your undivided attention to him. If he's into walking and you are able to walk, you might even want to walk with him once in a while, even if there's not a lot of conversation.

At least you're with him doing something that he likes to do, and. You're giving your undivided attention to it. If he has any other interest, I think you learning something about that interest and being willing to do something with him in that could be very helpful. That's what I was thinking. Go to a football game.

Does he like football? Does he like to watch some kind of sport? Is he, you know, into golf or whatever to be able to to watch something and watch something together? And that, for a lot of people, says that's not quality time. You can't spend quality time if you're watching a movie together.

Well, that's not true for some people. That's the very thing that they want, right? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. And then you know you can have conversation. Before and after the event, whatever it is, and sometimes you can discuss the event.

You know, if it's a game and something spectacular happened, the two of you can talk about it after it's over. And if you do that, take a picture. I want to see it. All right.

And this is where you know what you're going through right now. That mom and her adult son helped some other mom who's listening or dad because you had a question and you called us eight six six four two four Gary. Leave your message. Or maybe there's something really positive that's going on in your relationships. You want to talk about it or tell Gary about it.

One eight six six four two four Gary. We have time for one more question before I break, and here's a question that we we have never heard on this program. Here we go. Hi Gary, I hope you can help me out and give me an answer. And that is back in seventy one.

And that, as a Marine veteran, there was a General Chapman.

Okay, and I was just wondering, very simply, if you're related to General Chapman. That was my question, and if you are. I would, you know, I'm going to give you my phone number. Please, you know, call me directly. That would be great.

As a Marine, like I say, he was our general at the time. It was General Chapman. And once again, I wonder if you were related to him. And if he is, wow, you know, it's a long shot, but at the same time, I appreciate if you get back with me. Either way, you know, yes or no.

This way, I know where I stand. Thank you, sir. Have a great day.

Well. This question is very easy to answer, Chris. The answer is no. But I really appreciate the call. Because this is something that's important to him.

He was a marine, and this was his general. And here he is, you know, years later, he still has a desire to wonder what's going on with General Chapman. Where would he be, you know, and that sort of thing. And that that's great. It's really great.

But no, it it was not. I'm not related to him.

Now I I don't know if he left his phone number or not. If he did, I think somebody, me or somebody, needs to call him and tell him that because he may not be listening today. We'll do it.

Well, and you know, here's the other thing that I hear in his voice is he really has an affinity for you and he likes you. And it's like, wouldn't it be great if General Chapman was was related to Gary Chapman? You know, so and that warm feeling. And we have to say to him and to others who have served, thank. You for your service, right?

Absolutely, absolutely. My father was in the military as well—not in the Marines, but he was in the military in the Second World War.

So I have a great respect for all those who served in the military. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more about that and our featured resource at BuildingRelationships.us.

That resource is the book by Dr. Chapman and Jolene Philo, Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families. Just go to BuildingRelationships.us, or you'll find us at FiveLoveLanguages.com. And if you'd like to. Ask a question.

Call our listener line at one eight six six four two four Gary. We'd love to hear from you. One eight six six four two four four two seven nine. Marriage and money struggles are pretty common, but I'm interested to hear your advice to our next caller, Gary. Here's her question.

Oh, Gary, I have a question. I've been married to my husband for over 40 years. I've had not I've had jobs in the past. He's been the breadwinner.

However, now he's claiming that all the money we have is his money. He has been taking money out of our accounts and putting them. I don't know where he says he forgets where he puts the money. He started some. CDs for grandchildren, which is fine, but he didn't tell me about that.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should open up my own account and start putting money in there, but see that's what he's been doing, and I don't roll that way.

So I feel like I really can't trust him, and I just need some help. Thank you. Well, the big issue here, Chris, it seems to me, is lack of trust, and I can understand that. A husband who is making decisions to put my amounts of money somewhere, she has no idea where it is. He could be gambling if he's a gambler, you know, but that may not be true at all.

He may be putting accounts, which she mentioned, and to setting up accounts for grandchildren, and that's as she said, that's a good thing. But even there, marriage is we're a team. I often say to couples when they're getting married.

Now you understand that when you get married, it's no longer my money and your money. It's our money. We are a covenant team, and that's why before you get married. If one of you owes sixty thousand dollars college debt, you need to share it with the other person. Don't tell them two years after you get married.

Throughout the marriage relationship, there needs to be an openness about money.

Now, typically, one of them is handling the payment of the bills and the balancing the checkbooks and that sort of thing. But they're just doing it for both of us. But each of us should have access to whatever we have and know you know what we have.

So I hear her frustration. And my guess is he would never go to a counselor to talk about it. He would be helpful if if both of them could go to a counselor and say we have a problem, and here's what we're dealing with, so that they could have an outside party speaking into that issue, because realistically, the healthy thing is for him simply to let her know where he's putting the money and what he's doing and why he's doing it, and also. If she opposes that, she needs the freedom to share that. And if they disagree on it, then they need to hear each other's perspective and say, "Okay, now we we see it differently.

So how can we solve the problem?" And you look for a solution that both of you can agree on. Of course, perhaps they don't have a history of solving conflicts. They have conflicts, but they just argue about it, and arguments never lead to a healthy resolution.

So, those are my thoughts. I just I feel I feel for the lady, married forty years, and he is handling the money and not letting her know what he's what he's doing. That's not a healthy factor in a relationship. I this may be judgmental of me, but I don't believe when he says I don't know where I put the money. I don't believe for a minute that he didn't know where he put it.

This is so important to him, you know.

So if he if he doesn't remember, it's more serious than we think. He doesn't. He's lost his brain.

Okay.

So so her idea of I don't roll that way. I could and and I really like her how she put that because I could just take money and squirrel it away. You know, I could just do what he does, and it sounds like she didn't want to do that because she knows it's not the right way and it's not going to solve any. Thing or it may solve some things, but it's not going to solve the trust issue.

So outside of a third party, you know, if he won't go to a counselor, you know, is there somebody he respects that that she could ask to come in and help them kind of solve that thing? I I I don't see an easy fix here either. No, I agree with that, Chris. The fact that he said he doesn't remember where he put the money makes me think that he he misplaced the money. He spent the money on something, or he gambled the money away, or or whatever.

You know that that's my guess. But yeah, it's that's a serious problem, really serious problem. And and obviously, if it's not resolved, it's going to always be an issue, and it's going to get bigger. The the older they get, it's going to get bigger. You always say, if he won't go to counseling or she won't go to counseling, go by yourself.

Is that apropos here? Yeah, I think so. I think so because she needs to be heard. She needs to have someone who listens to her and hears her perspective, and has some empathy because she's kind of alone now in this situation. Is my guess.

She she hadn't told anybody, but she's deeply frustrated about it.

So yes, if he won't go, and what she would do is say to him, "I am struggling greatly about this, and I am going to see a counselor." And I would like for you to go with me and see if we can resolve this. But even if you don't, I'm going for counseling. Yes, that would be a first step, in my opinion.

Well, I've given you our phone number several times today. Very grateful for that call from the wife because I guarantee you there's somebody listening who is going through a similar kind of situation, and you've helped kind of touch that nerve to say, okay, how can we move forward?

So feel free to call with any struggle that you have. But our listener lines also for good news, for breakthroughs, for gratitude, like you're going to hear from our next caller. Hi, my name is Joy, and I wanted to go on the radio to Facebook and tell everybody around Southwest Florida or wherever they're listening to Moody Radio that when I had cancer, the community came together. They got me an apartment. They got me everything I needed, from furniture to Everything it got me.

I just wanted to be thankful and tell everybody that there are people that care. Thank you, Inspector. You know, Chris, I think this call indicates how valuable it is to be a part of a community. If you live an isolated life, and then you have a physical problem or a mental problem or any other kind of problem. There's nobody there to help you, but if you are a part of a community, chances are when you have a problem, some of those people are going to reach out, and they're going to do everything they can to help you.

So, whether that community is a church, which to me is the logical and best thing, because Christian Christian community is is just absolutely incredibly wonderful, but it can also be, you know, a community that you live in and you reach out and make friends with neighbors and that sort of thing. But life was not meant to be living isolation, and we live in community. We're going to find. There's a lot of advantages to that, even if you're not having trouble. But when you do have a problem, then you really realize who your friends are.

I am grateful for the thankfulness in her call, and I wonder if there's anybody listening right now who has a strained relationship at work because our next caller is talking about a breakthrough that she had. Hi, Gary. I just wanted to. Faith that I had problems with a boss when I was working in healthcare, and he and I would like two needles. To make a long story short, through word of knowledge, I received.

They said that I was in the way. They told me somebody's having problems with their boss, and you're in the way. The Lord said he cannot work, so I said that's me. The next day, I just kept quiet. Everything he said.

I just bit my tongue and I said okay, okay. And then one day he came to me. He said, "Rosa, do you have a Bible?" And I said, "Do I have a Bible? Yes." So I gave him my Bible. He said, "Can I read this for a while?" I said, "Yes." And so with that, you know, the Lord spoke to him, and there was no problems after.

I can't say completely no, but I was able to work closely with him and. I since have retired and I have not heard from him, but I'm sure that made a difference because he called me a peacemaker.

So I just thank God that I was able to share that with him and also Christ because he was Jewish. Also, thank you. Bye bye.

Well, Chris, a lot of people can identify with problems in the workplace because all of us are working with humans, and some humans have one kind of personality, and some have another personality. And they respond differently in different situations. Many, many people have struggles with their boss because that they just they're so different. And what I hear her saying is that she she just really felt badly because he was hard he was hard to work for and hard to work with. And she just kind of gritted her teeth and and and stuck it out and just stopped complaining.

Or maybe she was never complaining. I don't know. Just carrying it all. On the inside, but she kind of accepted it and just tried to be kind and do what needed to be done. And I don't know what motivated him to ask, "Do you have a Bible?" Unless he saw her reading a Bible, maybe at a break time.

But the very fact that he would ask to to borrow her Bible indicates that something's going on inside of him. And so, you know, he apparently he started reading the Bible, and apparently he changed his behavior, because she said God spoke to him. That's that's her interpretation. God spoke to him, and and now she said our relationship really got much better.

So, you know, what we do or what we can do whenever we are having trouble with a boss, obviously. Responding in a positive way to them, if if you know their love language, speak in their love language. For example, looking for one if words is their language, look for one positive thing you can say about them and say to them. Though there might be ten things you don't like about them, but that's why I wrote that book. You know the five languages of appreciation in the workplace, because we're people, we're humans at work, and we need to feel appreciated by the People we work with, and that book has helped change the climate of a lot of work situations.

I'm glad this worked out for her. She says she's now retired, and she hasn't heard from him, which is not unusual in a work situation. But I'm glad she called because she's speaking for a lot of people out there who are hurting in their relationship with their boss, or sometimes it's just a fellow a fellow employee that. They're that they're struggling with, and always looking for something positive in people and expressing it, is at least a step in the right direction. Bingo.

And I love that about this program that there are things that come through in people's stories, and her story with her boss, and the questions that we get, and the struggles that you have inform all of us in the in the community, as we've used that word here. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman online, buildingrelationships.us, and our featured resource by Dr. Chapman and Jolene Philo is. Sharing love abundantly in special needs families.

We have it linked right there. Buildingrelationships.us. This is a really difficult situation, Gary, but one that seems all too common in today's world. Here's our next caller. Hi, Gary.

I have a question about how to approach this situation. My son and daughter-in-law and our 15-month-old granddaughter live about a mile and a half from us. Our son is in farming business with us. His wife works from home. I think we have a good relationship, although we don't get to see our granddaughter.

I'm all about relationships. I'm a former teacher, and I have worked in early childhood, and I just really know. The importance of grandparents in a child's life. Their number two child is on on her way. I don't know if that will make a difference.

We have invited them up to eat with us. We've offered to take our granddaughter so that they could go out for their anniversary. I have sent food, you know, casseroles and such, to their home. You know, I text her, and I get answers. You know, and they seem friendly and all.

My son says I have not offended her, but that she's just a private person. I don't know what to do if I should approach her. You know, just letting her know that I really miss spending time with my granddaughter. I lived very close to my grandma. There was an orchard between us on a farm, and you know I saw her every day.

She had a huge impact in my life. She was a Christian, and I just really missed not having time with my granddaughter. I would like to know what your response would be, and what what you think I could do. Thank you. Bye bye.

Well, I think every person listening who is a grandparent can empathize with this grandmother, because when you have grandchildren, especially if they live near you. You want to have a relationship with them. You want to spend time with them.

Now, in today's world, of course, many times our grandchildren are live several hundred miles away, and even there, we we can do FaceTime with them, depending on their age, and at least you know it is a substitute if you can't see them in person. I think, of course, and they work. The son works with them on a farm, so apparently she has a good contact with her son. He is the one I think to talk to, and she has talked to him. It seems like because she's expressed something that he came back with the answer.

She's just a private person. I would say either you or your your husband, if he has a good relationship with your son, is maybe the husband to talk to your son, and just say, you know, your mom and I would really like to see your your your child. We we we love we love her or love him, and we just like to spend some time with them. Can you can you help us work this out? Because the the husband of the of this daughter in law is the one that's going to have to really do some negotiating with his wife.

If when I don't know why I mean if she doesn't want to spend time with you, why she would want to keep the kids away from? And you might ask him, why do you think she wants to keep your grandchild away from us? Is there something bad about us that she doesn't want us? To have contact with the with the grandchild, and and he probably he's heard his wife say something. He he has some idea of why his wife is not open to you all spending time with the grandchild, but I think that's the route to go.

Is that your husband talks with his son about it in an open, honest way, not not a belligerent way, and not a you know condemning him, but just trying to trying to figure out what the dynamics are that's going on here, and it's worth the effort. Because for you and for the grandchild, grandparents have a positive role in the lives of their grandchildren. If if indeed the grandparents are positive people, so yeah, it's worth the effort. Let me throw this in because we're coming up to the end of the program. But what I hear in hers a double wound.

Not only do we not have access to our grandchild, and there's a new one coming along, but here's what happened in my own life. And here's the what you know the important thing that happened, formative thing that happened to me, and I want that for my grandchild, which is a you know wonderful thing. But there's a level of expectation there. There's a level of this is how it was, and I want it to be this way here. And I'm not criticizing her for that.

It's just how she grew up.

So you have to deal with those expectations too, right? Yeah, that that's true, Chris. And and her expectations may be more than the parent, the parents, maybe both of them, than than they feel. But you're right. We're greatly influenced by our own childhood, and she wants to have the kind of relationship with her granddaughter that she had with her grandmother.

And nothing wrong with expectations, but sometimes our expectations are unrealistic. And I don't know what would be unrealistic about this point, but something's going on there. If they're not allowing her to see the grandchild, yeah.

Well, before we conclude, let me give you our number one more time. If you haven't heard it enough today, if you want to ask a question of Dr. Chapman or just tell a story from your life, maybe there's been some kind of relational victory that you've seen, you can make a comment about some call you've heard here today at eight six six four two four Gary. Leave your question or comment right there one eight six six four two four four two seven nine. We Love to hear from you, and don't forget to check out our featured resource, the book by Dr.

Chapman and Jolene Philo, Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: "The 5 Love Languages" for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities. Again, you'll find it at the website buildingrelationships.us. And coming up next week, if your adult child has cut you out of their life. Don't miss our conversation with Dr. Kathy Cook.

This might be the encouragement you need about resolving conflict with that adult child. You'll hear that in one week. Big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing, Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.