Dear Gary | May

If you're struggling in your marriage or with an adult child, don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

So we don't go out and try to make our children do what we believe is right, our adult children, but we do stand with open arms whenever they are ready to come back. And whatever they've done, we are willing to forgive. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our May edition of Dear Gary as we feature your questions to our host.

That's right, Dr. Gary Chapman is in the house and ready for your questions and comments. We have a phone number for you to call if you want to ask Dr. Chapman a question on a future program. It's 866-6666-6666-6.

424 Gary. Again, 1-8-6-6-4-2. 424-Gary. And we have a featured resource at our website, buildingrelationships.us. It's "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more.

Now, with this being Memorial Day weekend, Memorial Day coming up Monday, Gary, I know you have a heart for those who serve in the military, who are active duty right now around the globe, their family members who are constantly praying. And then for Memorial Day, this is a hard holiday for many as they remember those who died in service to our country.

So jump in here. What stirs in your heart for Memorial Day?

Well, you know, Chris, I always reflect upon uh people who have lost someone uh in the military. Because listen, thousands and thousands have given their lives in military service. If a person in your family, even if it's not your immediate family but your extended family, I think your mind always goes back to them on this day. And I think it's good that we have a day like this to remember. But you're right, I love military couples.

I really appreciate what they're doing. I also understand the stress often that is put upon the marriage when they're deployed and other things. And so that's why I really speak to military couples as often as I can. And try to give them practical ideas on how to have the kind of marriage that they not only wanted, but the kind of marriage they need that's loving and supportive and caring and understanding and where they're there for each other.

So I'm hoping that on Memorial Day, there'll be many across the country who are praying for families who are in the military, as well as those who have lost family members in service. Yeah. You know, you made me think about it, I grew up in a real small town in West Virginia. in the 1960s and there was uh a young man who was getting ready to come back from Vietnam and uh was killed in in battle in uh just as he was riding around in a jeep. And that just made a real impact on me as a child, you know, as in this one family in our little town.

And then you add to that, then those who came back from whatever conflict it was. With post-traumatic stress disorder and are dealing with the fallout of what they experienced in battle. And you've got kind of the perfect storm.

So all of that comes together for me as I think about Memorial Day. And I think that's true for many people today, Chris, and that's why I really am glad that we have a day set aside in our country to remember people who have gone through this with family members. You know, life is not easy, and wars have been a part of human culture as long as we trace back, and they will continue. And so I just think we have to recognize those who are serving and then also remember those who gave their lives. Yes.

"The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition is our featured resource today. You can find out more about that at buildingrelationships.us. Real quickly on that military, Physical touch is something that, you know, if you have a long distance between here and the Middle East or wherever the person is deployed, male or female, having that kind of relationship and, you know, you can't be physically there with them. What do you say about that long distance love language?

Well you know in my book on "The 5 Love Languages" for military couples I got real life illustrations on how do you speak physical touch when you're half a world away. One lady said for example, I knew my husband's language was physical touch.

So while he was deployed I traced my hand on a sheet of paper and mailed it to him with a note that said Put your hand on my hand. I want to hold your hand. And when he came home some months later, he said to me, you know, Gary, every time I put my hand on that paper, I felt her. And then a man said, well, I knew her language was physical touch.

So before I left, I said to her, Honey, I'm going to leave this jean jacket here. Anytime you need a hug. You put it on and I'll hug you. Wow. And she told me later, she said, every time I put it on, I felt his arms around me.

So there are practical ways to express physical touch, even if you're half a world away in deployment. Wow. I saw that very thing on a reel the other day. And it was two girls opening a present. It might have been at Christmas.

and they opened and both of the girls just started to weep. and what you didn't know as you watched this was that their father had passed away. But their mom had put together this a robe that was built out of or sewn together a lot of his old shirts. And she said, you know, put this on. Your dad left these so that you could, anytime you felt like you needed a hug, you could put this on.

And one of the girls. Held that up to her nose and she said, It smells like dad. You didn't wash it. And she said, Right. I didn't wash it because I wanted you.

And there's all the senses coming back. That, you know, just seeing that, of course, I had to pull myself up from the floor in tears, but that speaks volumes, doesn't it? Abs absolutely, absolutely, you know. And in the book for the military couples, we give ideas like that on all five of the love languages, how to speak them when you're deployed, which is so important in meeting each other's emotional need while you're in the military.

Now, this month, Gary, in this conversation, I'm going to use written questions for you. And so I'm going to be the person on the phone. and ask you this and the first person who wrote us is actually from Europe. Hello, Gary. I received your book, "The 5 Love Languages" , from my wife.

We are currently going through a difficult time. Over the years I failed to understand how to fill her love tank. As a result, she told me that after all these years of emotional disappointment, she still enjoys being with me as a friend, but no longer loves me. the moment I heard that, completely shook me to the core. I know that I am not someone who talks much about my feelings, and by nature I am more of a deep ocean type.

But I always believed that through my actions and small gestures she would recognize how much I love her. When I started reading your book, I found many parallels to my own behavior, especially in the first two love languages, words of affirmation and quality time. it made me realize how my actions must have felt to my wife. and it no longer surprises me why her love tank is empty and why she feels unloved. What makes it especially painful is that she did bring this up in the past, but I never truly understood it.

for a short time I became more aware, and changed my behavior briefly. This gave her hope again and again, only for that hope to be disappointed. Unfortunately, I didn't know your book back then. I don't know if I should wish that I had read it earlier, because that might sound like I'm blaming her for not giving it to me sooner, which is absolutely not the case. Rather, I simply wish I had understood earlier what was troubling her.

better late than never. And then he says, through your book, I've learned what my own love language is.

However, I still need to learn what my wife's love language is and to speak it consistently so that our love can grow again. Even though it certainly won't happen overnight, I am hopeful that it can work. I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your book, since she has told me that she still wants to be friends. but does not have any love for me. do you see any hope for us moving forward?

Well, my short answer is yes. I do see hope. I can understand how you might question, is there any hope when she is saying what she has just said to you, that she doesn't love you? And you also requested, you said you need to learn to speak her love language. I'm thinking maybe you know her love language.

You just need to learn how to speak it, if I'm understanding you correctly. If not, I would say make sure she's taken the quiz and ask her, I want to know what your first love language is, your primary and your secondary, because I want to learn how to express my love to you because I do love you. I think also to be understanding when she says, I don't have any love for you. I think she's talking about she doesn't have any love feelings for you. Because her love tank is empty and you haven't spoken her language, you know, through the years.

And so she doesn't have positive feelings. You know, those positive feelings, when we first get married, we're still in love, you know. And we didn't choose to be in love. That just happens to us. But it doesn't last forever.

And we discussed that in the book. We come down off that high. And that's where we have to learn how to communicate love.

So she's lost the feelings. That doesn't mean the feelings can't come back. Because if you can consistently, over a significant period of time, Not only do you know her primary and secondary languages, but you're speaking them on a regular basis. Yes, those love feelings can come back. And so if she's not, I don't know if she's leaving you or moved out, I'm not really clear in terms of whether she's still in the house, but she's just telling you, I just want to be friends now.

But I think if you have contact with her, which it sounds like you do, if you can communicate to her I realize that I have failed in not knowing how to speak your love language. In my mind, I was loving you when I washed dishes, et cetera, et cetera, which it sounds like what you were saying, acts of service. But I realize now what's happened. And I want you to know that now that you've given me that book and I've read it and understand it, I want to learn how to love you. And I understand you don't have love feelings for me.

But I do love you, and I just want to learn how to express it in a way that's meaningful to you. You take that approach. It will not happen overnight. You're right. And I'm glad you recognize that.

But I think consistently over a period of time, The love feelings can come back.

Now, unless she is already involved with someone else outside the marriage. And if she's got love feelings for someone else, It's going to be very difficult because she's taking that now. I've got the real thing this time. This person really loves me. She may not understand that that's going to be temporary and she'll come down off that in love experience.

But it makes it much more difficult if she is involved with someone else. Much more likely that she'll eventually warm up if she's not already involved with someone else. Hmm. How does he not let the regret of and he even expressed it in here. I don't want to say this 'cause it'd make her feel bad that she didn't give me the the book earlier and that you know, that's not true.

But how does he avoid having that regret Grab a hold of him and keep him from moving forward. Does that make sense? Yeah. Well, I think it's natural that he would feel regret. Because anytime you're faced with the reality that your spouse no longer loves you because you have not communicated love to them.

Uh uh you you do regret, but You can't allow the regret. To Get you on a downward trend to being discouraged and depressed and all of that, because that's not going to help you or her or anyone else.

So I think you have to communicate to her a sincere apology. Acknowledging, you know, and how deeply how badly you feel that you failed in meeting her need for love, and let her know. I don't know if you can give me another chance or not, but I really feel like now I've got the information I need. And I believe with God's help. I can communicate love to you in a meaningful way, and that's what I desire.

That's what I want to do.

So I think we just acknowledge that we feel discouraged, depressed, whatever else we're feeling. Acknowledge it to God and ask God's forgiveness as well. Yeah. Isn't it interesting how the vulnerability of a man from Europe sending an email, sending a letter like that, can stir things? And I could tell there are listeners right now who are saying, I felt the same way.

So, if you would like to ask a question of Dr. Chapman, or maybe even tell a story from your own life. In a vulnerable way that might help somebody else, here's the number 866-458. 424-Gary. You can call that number, leave a message, and you might hear your voice on a future Dear Gary broadcast: 866-424-444.

four two seven nine. Here's an anonymous email of a person who left a message who said, Gary, I'm a mother-in-law. My husband and I live far from our grandchildren, and we travel to see them and spend winters where they live. My problem is that my daughters in law treat us more like a business than family. we get rigid restrictions on seeing them.

It feels like we're interfering with their lives. They love the Lord as we do, and I pray for a relationship that's based on love and mutual respect. I don't know how to stop. Hurting. What would you say to that mother in law?

Well, first of all, I would be empathetic because I think any time that our children grow up, and get married and move off, you know. And and particularly if they have children which become our grandchildren, we want to have a loving relationship. We want to be involved with them. And it sounds like that they spend the whole winter close to each other, you know, geographically. I think I would begin to reflect upon why they may have restrictions.

Sometimes it's because unknowingly We who are the grandparents Might just stop in to see them. Uh on any occasion. without letting them know, I've run into this several times in my counseling. And they would prefer that you call and find out would this be a good time to come by and see the grandchildren. or how about Thursday afternoon or whatever.

They have schedules, and so you can't just drop in. You need to fit into their schedule. I understand. You want it to just be so loving and kind, you can stop by anytime. But I wouldn't take the restrictions they have in terms of when and where and all that as being that they don't want you to have a relationship.

It's just that they're trying to keep their marriage together and their relationship with the children going in a positive way. And you have to be fitted into the schedule.

So I don't know if that helps you kind of back off and not feel badly, so badly, about what the situation is, but I do think we have to respect the guidelines. of our adult children. that they have in terms of when and where uh we interface with each other. It sounds like she's taking the the rules, restrictions, whatever, and schedules, she's taking that personally, that this shows that you don't really care about us as much as we care about you and the grandkids when what you're saying is when she she mentions it feels like we're interfering.

Well, maybe you are, but it's not a malicious interference. It's just that you you have to put yourself in their shoes, right? Yeah, absolutely. I remember a couple who said to me, you know, it was a we had planned a nice romantic evening, put the kids to bed early, and my wife and I, and then the doorbell rings. And in walked, you know, her mom and dad.

And our whole plan that we had for the evening. It goes out the window.

Okay. You could be empathetic if you understood that. And I told him, uh to to tell uh her the father-in-law what happened. I said, and he'll take care of that, you know. Yeah.

But there but it's a lot of it has to do with scheduling rather than being spontaneous. And I know that you know we would like to think we can just drop in any time and pick up the kids and go do things with them. But the kids have things to do also, depending on their age, but if they're in school, they've got things that they have to be involved in as well.

So I would just try not to be so judgmental in terms of attributing negative attitudes toward them. And if you need to, talk with your son and just say, Uh you know, honey, can you explain it to me? I just, I don't, we don't want to be a bother. But, you know, we love you all and we love the grandkids. And chances are he can explain to you what what what's happening and what has caused uh you know them to have r strict regulations and restrict what you're calling rigid restrictions.

Because the only way you can really know what's on their heart is for them to share what's on their heart. I think if you'd have put me in that situation with the romantic dinner and the doorbell rings, I'd have blown out the candles and grabbed Andrea and gotten behind the couch and just waited till they went away. No, I wouldn't, but I'd have thought about it.

Okay. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition is our featured resource. At buildingrelationships.us. Buildingrelationships.us.

And our phone number, if you want to leave a message for Gary for a future Dear Gary broadcast, is 866-424-Gary. We'd love to hear your situation. Maybe a positive comment about what "The 5 Love Languages" has meant in your own marriage and your life. Just call 866-424-GARY. Here's our next question.

Gary, I have two sons who are estranged from my husband and me. I believe there is a growing demonic influence in our world today and that the demonic has drawn them away from the truth as well as from our family. What do you think about this, and how can I move forward through the pain of that estrangement?

Well, I think any parent who has adult children who have kind of cut off relationships with them. uh can identify with this with this couple. What can be done, a lot depends on how much contact they allow you to have. And maybe they're not allowing anything at this point. But that's their decision.

You cannot make those two sons. have time with you if they choose not to have time with you. They are they are adults. And I think we have to give them the same freedom that God gives His children, all of us. We can walk closely with him?

And we can walk away from him. If we walk away from God, we will have to live with the results of that. Uh but God doesn't make us. Follow him. He loves us.

and wants us to reciprocate to His love, just as you love your sons and want them to reciprocate.

So I think you have to first of all acknowledge that they are adults and you have to give them that sense of freedom. It would be helpful to know why they have made this choice. But if they don't have any contact with you. You're limited in even asking the question. Honey, j just be honest with me and tell me why you all have made the decision to pull back from having contact with us.

If you take that approach rather than telling them, this is wrong and you know that, I mean, children should not be just not seeing their parents, you know, that kind of negative preaching and criticizing them is just going to push them further away. But if you're honestly in a loving way asking them Uh help me understand. of why you all feel that you have to do this.

Now, as I said, if you don't have contact, you can't ask that question. But if you have any way to have contact with them, then asking that question is the starting place. And from there you decide then, okay, what can we do? What should we do? Or we can apologize if they're pointing out something that's that's led them, that you've done, that's led them to this decision.

which is not necessarily always the case, but if there is, then certainly you can apologize for that. And they may choose to forgive you. I mean, they may still choose not to see you for a while. Again, just understanding the reality, we cannot control our adult children. But we can let them know we love them no matter what they do.

It's exactly what God does. He loves us no matter what we do. And if we come to Him with forgiven confessing our wrong, God will forgive us. Because if we're His children, We're going to always be His children. We can be out of fellowship with God, but He's still going to be our Father if we're true Christians.

And the same thing is true with you all. You're out of fellowship with your sons, but they're still your children, and you're still their parents.

So, what I hear you saying is one great thing to do is if you have the opportunity. Ask the question, and then listen. Listen well. and then ask a follow up.

Well, tell me more about that. Tell me a little bit more and really listen. And then at the end of that, this is something I picked up from my wife, Uh thank you for telling me that. Thank you for trusting me with that. I really appreciate you sharing that.

That can go a long way to breaking down some of the walls, can't it? Absolutely. Rather than being defensive, Yeah, they tell you what how what has hurt them and so forth, and then you say, Well, now that's that's not what I mean. No, that's not you know. We defend ourselves.

Now what we want to know is What made them feel the way they feel? What stimulated those feelings inside of them? and it's likely something you did or didn't do. And it doesn't mean that necessarily you intended it to come across that way, but they're telling you. That's what they feel.

And they didn't choose their feelings. We don't choose feelings. We interpret things, and then that stimulates feelings inside of us.

So trying to understand how your sons got to where they are and drawing away from you is really, really important. But you have to be a listener if you're going to ever discover the truth about why they are where they are. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. We'd love to hear your question or feedback at our listener line.

1-866-424-GARY is our number. Call and leave a message and you might hear an answer on an upcoming Dear Gary broadcast. Again, 1-866-424-4279. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource, "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition. Just go to buildingrelationships.us or visit fivelovelanguages.com.

Continuing with our written questions to Dr. Gary Chapman, here's one from a man who says, my ex-wife was having affairs. We divorced. she told the children that I was the one having affairs.

so now my children hate me. I haven't talked to my kids in years because they believe I ruined our family. How can I fix this situation? Is there any hope?

Well, you cannot alone Fix the situation. It has to be, if there's going to be any progress made. It has to be. You're talking with your ex-wife. You're sharing your hurt and your pain.

at having not been able to be with the kids through the years. Listen, s if it's been years. she may be at a totally different place in her life.

Now she may already be remarried. I understand that that's possible. But she i may also have become a true Christian. If you haven't had any contact, you don't really know where she is. But I think trying to find out where she is And uh I don't know what efforts you've made to talk to or contact the two daughters.

It appears like either you don't know how to do that, don't have contact information. Or even if you call them or send text, they don't respond to you. I don't know what the situation is there. But when you say you haven't talked to your kids in years, Boy, that's a huge chasm years to build a bridge across. There's certainly nothing wrong if you have contact information.

on talking with your your daughters, I would try first talking to the wife. to let her just just to see where she is in the journey. and let her know how you know, you you just so wish that you could have some ra contact with the girls. But if you have contact with the girls, even if you can't talk with the wife, Nothing wrong with reaching out. They may you may s just say, you know, all these years I have failed to reach out because I have the sense that you wanted to have nothing to do with me.

I don't know if you understand the reality of what happened. and just explain the whole thing to them. I don't know, maybe you've tried that before, explaining what happened, that it really wasn't you who was the one having the affairs. that it was their mother and that she she told uh really uh to an untruth. Again, they may or may not believe you, but At least they're hearing it from you and how you regret the fact that you haven't been able to have any relationship with them through the years.

Now, if you haven't reached out to them all these years, just because you knew they hated you. They may have a hard time believing that now you are bringing this up, you know, why didn't you share this with them earlier?

So I don't know what the dynamics are, of course, in their minds and where they are in their journey.

So I don't know the level of hope there is that things could be different. But it never hurts. to reach out. to individuals with whom we have a broken relationship. and just to say in your own words kindly and lovingly, I've been thinking a lot about us and our and our lack of relationship through the years.

And I just I just wonder if we could sit down and just have a talk. I will not try to force anything upon you, but I would just love to have a talk. and see if we can catch up with each other. You know, an effort like that never hurts, and it may open a door depending on where they are in their own journey. Or how old they are, too.

That's a factor we don't know as well. I wonder if bringing up the whole thing, she cheated, I didn't cheat. actually throws more wrenches into the relationship, although I can understand why he would want the truth to be out there. Does that, you know, does it, is it, is starting the relationship without trying to cast aspersion on the lies that have been told, would that be a better first step than jumping into the she said, he said? Yes, I think you're right, Chris.

I think far better to just talk about a desire to get to know the daughter, to spend time just to kind of catch up with each other and not bring the other up. Uh yeah, because probably I'm just guessing probably In the early stages of all this, he told them that that that their mother was lying. And so they, you know, they're just now bringing it up again.

So I think you're right. It's not the place to start. It's just to start to have an I have a desire. I would love to sit down and and just have a conversation and catch up with each other. Yeah.

All right, the next question. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

My son and his wife have cut me out of their lives. which means I have no contact with my grandchildren. I want to attend a school event for my granddaughter.

Now, this was actually a question that came up for Dr. Kathy Cook, our mutual friend, Gary, who's written about this. And I want to see if you agree with her, because this is a very specific question.

So, I want to attend a school event. I've texted my son repeatedly. He does not respond to texts. He does not respond to letters that I send him. What do you think I should do about this school event?

Can I attend without their permission? To me, two or three things would be factors. One is what is the event? You know, is it a small meeting of uh celebrating something in a classroom? Is it something much larger than that, uh where she could be in a larger crowd, you know, sitting way back on the back row somewhere?

I think that would be a factor. And also whether her granddaughter knows her at all. I'm assuming she does, that they just at some point they drew back and not letting her see they see them. But I don't I don't think it's necessarily wrong to Go to something. If it's a really, really important event with a large group of people around, if it's a smaller thing, I would say no.

On the other hand, You know, just seeing your granddaughter from a distance. And maybe forcing yourself in to say hello to her or something while you're there. may make it even worse. in terms of your your son's response. Yes.

Because if you've sent him text asking permission, To do this. and uh he's not responding. and you do it anyway. You may make things worse. I'm going to jump in here because that's exactly what Dr.

Cook said. She said, at the end of the day, it's like, what is your goal? You want a relationship, not only with the grandkids, but also with your son. And if you step over this line right here, it may have implications, ramifications down the road that you've broken the trust that you've said that you won't do this and then you did that.

So it's kind of scary how you two think alike.

Well, we probably have dealt with similar things through the years. Exactly.

So is that the case? Do you have to think? I've got to think of, it's almost like you're playing chess with this relational thing. I'm not just thinking about me and my needs and me and my desire to love my granddaughter, but also the rest of the family and what's going to happen there, right? Yeah, absolutely.

Because, you know, there's a possibility that years down the road when the when the the daughter, the granddaughter gets to be an adult, She may want to find out about her grandmother. She may go looking for her grandmother. But for the grandmother to try to force herself in there in objection to the son. I I don't I think it will probably make things worse. Yeah.

That's where a good journal will come in, or letters, you know, letters to my granddaughter. While they were separated, not to send them to her, but to keep them. And this is what I was thinking about: thinking about you. Here's how I was praying for you. That kind of thing could be a great gift down the road, don't you think?

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. All right, Gary, here is a person who says, I need help, and this is where you're going to jump in. How do you handle it when your 20-year-old son moves back into your home?

but he has walked away from the Christian path he was raised on. She and her son are essentially roommates, she says who don't engage with each other and she doesn't know what to do. What do you say?

Well, it sounds like there's no father involved when she says it's just the two of us and we're just roommates. I don't know if there's a father there or not. Uh but if there is a father in the home, uh her husband, I would suggest that they together talk about this situation. and what needs to be done. Also, uh how old the sun is.

You know, like whether is he's just out of college or he dropped out of college or or is he 27 and has had all kind of drug problems and other things. I mean, knowing his situation would be really important here in terms of what what she might do. Does he have a job or does he not have a job? If he's moved back home, it's would many times it's because they can't afford to have an apartment and or they've had a marriage that they've walked out of or something else.

So all those things would be important to know before you could decide really what to do in a situation like this. She says we have basically have no contact. It's hard to imagine that you wouldn't have some conversation. One of my questions would be, are you sharing meals together? Do you prepare any meal for him, or does he do his own meal and you do your own meal?

I mean. If he's living in the house, there must be some contact.

So I would just say. Begin with whatever contact you have. If you do serve him a meal, you know, then talk about where is he going. This is true whether there's a father there or whether there's not, is what is his plans for the future. because you're not going to always be there for him to live with you.

And if he's not doing something productive with his life, he needs help. I know it's a hard situation. But there has to be some conversation with him if we're going to make any progress at all. And you may say to him, I just want us to talk about what would be most helpful for you at this juncture in your life. because obviously uh I I want to help you.

And you don't have to believe what I believe. I'm not trying to force you to be a Christian. I'm just saying I want us to talk about what I can do. that would make this a most meaningful time for you. Because obviously this is not a long-term plan.

that that you're going to live with me the the rest of your life. uh I can't imagine that that would give you a deep satisfaction in life. I'm sure that you have some things you'd like to accomplish. And if I can help you accomplish those things, then that's what I would like to do. But you know, that kind of conversation, not a condemning conversation.

but a questioning time in which you're just trying to understand what his thoughts are in terms of what the end of this time would be helpful for him. You know, the other, what you do with "The 5 Love Languages" , the other thing that I think of is, wouldn't it be great for the son to come to the mom and say, hey, mom, what do you get out of this? Or maybe moving back in here, what's your ideal hope for the two of us being in the same house?

Now, I'm not Pollyanna enough to think that that's going to happen on his own, but for him to be able to get out of his own head and to say, you want to have a conversation each day? Do you want to have a meal together? That'd be something that would, if he's listening, do that for your mom and something good's going to happen, don't you think? Absolutely, because she's frustrated, apparently, not knowing even what's on his mind. What does he hope is going to come out of this situation?

Yeah, yeah, no. If he if he's hearing, if he's listening, certainly. You if you want what's best for you and her, Take the initiative to say, Mom, let let's talk about what I need to be doing right now.

Okay, a lot of these written questions are about estrangement, but here's one that is specifically about money. And the person says, I have a struggle with m allowing my adult children to borrow money from me. My parents were dependent on their parents for money, and it ended badly. And she worries that this could cause problems with her kids one day, and she has a lot of anxiety about the situation. And then she adds, the dependence on me has not happened with my children.

But I live in anxiety that it will, and I don't know how to stop the anxiety. What would you say to her?

Well, I can understand how our past experience, and she's talking about her parents, were dependent on. their parents. and it didn't end end well.

So she's got she's being influenced by that illustration, by that what happened to them. She has anxiety. based on what happened to her parents. even though her children are not at this point even asking her to borrow money from her. or to for her to give them money.

So I think she has to come into the real world not the world of her observation of her parents. She's allowing something that they did. to give her anxiety because she didn't want to go through what they went through.

So all she has to do If and when her children do come to her, Uh for money. is to say to them, you know, honey. And then she just tells them a story. of what happened to her parents. and how how that all ended.

And to say to those ch to her children then, I I just can't do it, honey, because I can't feel like it would be good for you. Or maybe even maybe even now. If she's having so much anxiety about this, maybe to sit down with her children even before they ever ask her for money. And just say, honey, I just want to share something with you. I don't know if you know this about your grandparents or not.

But I want to share this with you and and wh all that went on. and just let you know that I hope you never have to come to me for money. I mean, I'd have done everything I can to help you all, and you all have jobs, and you know, and I don't think you ever will. But I just want you to know if you need money, I I don't want to go through that same scenario again.

So can we just agree that if you have to have money sometimes you can get a loan from a bank or somewhere like that? Yeah, I think just sharing her experience and how she was impacted by that to them. before they ever come to ask for money, might be a positive interchange. I got one more for you, and this very short. but I think there are a lot of parents who are right there.

How do you reconnect with an adult son who's living a gay lifestyle?

Well, I think God is our example in everything. And the Bible says God loved us. while we were still sinners. and sent Christ to die for us.

So I think that's the model for us. We are to love our children. Even if their lifestyle is something we don't believe is in keeping with God's plan. It doesn't mean we agree with it. It doesn't mean that we affirm them and what they're doing.

but it does mean that we communicate to them I love you. No matter what you do. You can say to them, you know how I feel about this, you know what the scriptures teach, and you know I'm committed to God's plans. And I understand that there can be attraction, same-sex attraction. I do understand that.

But I do know we don't have to live that lifestyle. But I want you to know I love you. And I am willing to have a relationship with you. I don't want to cut you off. I'm willing to have conversations with you.

I cannot endorse that, obviously. But I do love you. and I want what's best for you. That kind of approach, I think, is a positive approach. It's living by what you believe to be the truth.

and acknowledging that you love them in spite of the fact that they are breaking, you know, something that you hold uh very strongly.

So you're not denying your belief in God, but you're also recognizing they are adults. And you're going to allow them to make their own decisions. But you're going to love them. Even with whatever decision they make. Yeah.

I think that's that's what God does. And it's the love of God that often brings people to repentance. and it's the love of a parrot that often helps parent helps children know that they even though I've gone against what they believe to be right, They still love me. Prodigal son's father did not go after him. and try to bring him back.

He waited until the circumstances of life and his lifestyle, brought him to the hog pen. where he was feeding hogs to make a living. and then decided himself I'm gonna go home. I'd I'd rather just get a job on the farm with my father. then they'll live this lifestyle.

And he came home, and what did he find? His father had open arms for him.

So we don't go out and try to make our children do what we believe is right. are adult children. But we do stand with open arms whenever they are ready to come back. And whatever they've done, we are willing to forgive. Yeah.

Watching and waiting and ready. with the robe and the ring and the a great big hug and the uh and and the tears my son's come home uh that i i was thinking of the same thing as you were answering that gary And we hope that something here in this conversation, this hour, Has helped you, has encouraged you, maybe comforted you a little bit. And look at the vulnerability of the people who got in touch with us. You can do that same thing for somebody else. If you want to make a comment about something said here today, or you have a question for Dr.

Chapman, 1-866-424-GARY. It can be about the love languages or anything in your relationships. 866-424-4279. And if you go to the website buildingrelationships.us, you'll see our featured resource, "The 5 Love Languages" Military Edition, again at buildingrelationships.us. And next week, the president of Dallas Theological Seminary provides six essentials for reviving your faith.

Don't miss Dr. Mark Yarbrough one week. A big thank you to our production team Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute.

Thanks for listening.