Dear Gary | March

I'm shocked. I don't know what to do. I'm kind of having a little bit of difficulty right now. Trying to understand what my spouse's love language is. I was just sitting here having time with the Lord and I was thinking, hey, I wonder what his love language is.

It's a conversation of the heart today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We take your questions and concerns about your relationships. Whether single, married, divorced, or widowed, you'll benefit from the wisdom of our host, who is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . And if you're interested in asking a question of Dr.

Chapman, Call us at 1-866-424-GARY. Keep your question as brief as you can. That's 1-866-424-GARY. And we have some great questions today on our March edition of Dear Gary. And we have a great featured resource for you.

It's the new and updated edition of the book that Gary wrote with Dr. Paul White. Titled The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. The subtitle is Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People. You can find that in more simple ways to strengthen your relationships at buildingrelationships.us.

Gary, let me talk about the workplace as we begin. We don't get a lot of calls and questions about things happening on the job. And my guess is that that might partly be because people don't want to ask a question on the radio about their boss or their coworker, and I get that. But what are some of the struggles that you and Dr. White address in that book as far as resolving conflicts and communication in the workplace?

Well, Chris, of course, the whole book, the theme is learning how to express appreciation to people. And if people feel appreciated, it's easier to handle conflicts. But we do deal with that whole issue of if you've been hurt in the workplace by a fellow employee. If they don't come and apologize to you, You kindly go to them. and say things like, you know, Uh if I had something that was bothering me, would this be a good time to share it with you?

They're probably going to say yes because they're dying to know what is this. And then you can just share. You know what? I really felt put down, or I felt ignored, or I felt, you know, tell them whatever you felt. Whenever you and you describe what they did or what they said, And I just, you know, I value our relationship, and I just want to kind of clear the air.

Maybe I misunderstood what you said. You know, you're not going in a harsh way, you're going in a kind way, but you are. You know, bringing it to their attention. And then you listen because maybe you did misunderstand, maybe you took it the wrong way. Uh and so it's it's resolved and that's what we want to do.

We don't want to, something happens to you, you feel hurt and you feel angry or whatever other emotions you might feel. And then you just live with that in your mind toward that person and just try to stay away from them. I mean, that's not the way to live life, especially if it's somebody you're going to be seeing every day in your workplace.

So I think we ought to really try to deal with. Conflicts or hurts that happen in the workplace, just as we do in other relationships. Because let's face it, if you're working with somebody on a regular basis, you know, every day, all year long, you know, 10 years or longer, it's going to be a whole lot better if you keep the relationships in a positive and healthy way. Yeah. I read the dedication to that again today before the program, and you and Paul White dedicate this to your parents, who you say didn't get as much appreciation as they deserved.

And it strikes me that that other generation, the generation before ours, Um, kind of worked that way. It's like, well, you don't, you don't really get that much. You just keep on going. It doesn't matter whether your boss says something good to you or not. You just keep on doing what you're doing because at least you have a job, right?

Yeah, and that and that was the main thing, at least for my parents, it was. You've got to have a job to live, you know, and so you don't want to trouble the waters, especially if it's a superior. You don't want them to feel like you're unhappy or you don't like what they're doing and that sort of thing. And that was kind of the atmosphere in those days. But I do think it's different today.

I think more and more people They want not only to work, they certainly want a job because they do need an income, but they'd like for it to be healthy relationships with the people with whom they work. And that's why we wrote that book, you know, is to really try to emphasize that. And a part of healthy relationships is learning how to express appreciation to the people that work with you or the people that work under your supervision. And we were, originally we thought we'd write that book just to managers, you know, or leaders, but we thought, no, no, this can start with any small group within a large company that work together on a regular basis. And if all of them could read the book or get the concept and take the quiz called Motivating by Appreciation Inventory, learn each other's primary appreciation language and secondary.

Man, and they start learning how to appreciate each other, it can spread from one small group throughout the whole company because others are going to hear about it.

Well, that's what an employer wants. You know, you want this cohesion, you want to be a part of a team rather than all these little silos. And this is a great kind of wake-up call. If you haven't read it, the five languages of appreciation in the workplace. We have a link for you at buildingrelationships.us.

All right, Gary, we have calls, we have written questions. I'm going to start with one of those. A listener named Drew says, This: I need some help. Much discussion is offered on how to give love across a diversity of love languages, but I don't know that I've ever heard much on how to receive love well in multiple languages. The risk of getting it wrong could lead to bitterness, critical attitudes, despair, and doubt, in my opinion.

But I'd love to hear a more seasoned response and instruction on that. Thanks for your program.

So how do you receive love well in multiple languages?

Okay.

Well, Chris, I think this is why it's important to understand the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" . that there are five fundamental ways to express love to another individual. Each of us has a primary love language. And so, you know, the emphasis is let's learn the primary love language of the other person, whether it's your spouse or your child or any other close relationship. But we also receive love.

If we understand that there are five different ways to express love, It should help us if someone is communicating love to us in a language that's not our primary love language. Because we can say in our hearts and in our minds, ooh, they're speaking you know, one of the love languages. That is a proper way to speak love language. It's not my primary language, but I'm going to give them credit for it because they are speaking acts of service or they are speaking one of the other languages. I think that's the idea here.

In terms of receiving love in different languages. But again, I come back to the fundamental issue. That if you are not receiving love in your primary love language, you're not going to feel loved. It's not going to fill your love tank. And the same thing is true with your partner.

And so you focus on giving heavy doses of their primary love language. Hopefully they do the same for you. Then the other four can still be sprinkled in for extra credit because all of them are fine. We're not opposed to any one of them. But I think understanding the concept that there are different languages and a person who's never read the book maybe expressing love to you in the best way they know how.

And now if you understand and can say, oh yeah, that's the language they're speaking. you can give them credit for it emotionally. In your own mind and heart, because you know, okay, they don't understand the concept, but they are indeed speaking a love language, and I'm going to give them credit for it. Again, 1-866-424-4279. We would love to hear from you today.

Our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us is the book by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Paul White, The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People. It's completely updated and revised, and you can find a link at the website, buildingrelationships.us. Go to buildingrelationships.us.

All right, let's go to your calls. The first one is a little vague, Gary, about her specific problems, so I'm not sure how much help that you can give her, but you can hear the pain in her voice about her marriage. Here's our first caller. Hi, Gary. I like your program.

And I'm going to tabolize it in my marriage. Arms part. I'm sorry. I don't know what's it to you. Thank you.

Well, you know, Chris, there are a number of individuals who are married who feel that they are trapped. And there are different reasons for that, totally different reasons for that.

Sometimes they're married to someone who is strung out on alcohol or drugs. And you know, they're just not dependable at all because of that. There are scores of reasons why people feel trapped in a marriage. But I think when you do feel trapped, What you want to do is reach out for help. Don't just carry the burden by yourself, whatever it is.

Reach out to a friend, reach out to a pastor, reach out to a counselor, and share your struggle. Share with them why you feel trapped and let them help you because it's not new, and you're not the only one who is in that situation or similar situations.

So I think that would be just based on what she said. That would be my advice. to reach out for help. There's always help. That's what counseling's all about, and that's what friendship's all about.

It's listening to those who are in a situation where they just feel terrible about it, they don't know what to do with it. And that other person hears you out, is empathetic with you, and if they don't have any suggestions, they probably know someone who would be able to help you.

So I think that's the advice. Don't just sit there and live under the burden. Reach out and try to find help. What if trapped means there's abuse in the relationship? I think if there's physical abuse or just continually verbal abuse, there is a place, no question about it in my mind, to say to them, I don't know how you feel about us.

But I love you too much. to sit here and do nothing. I I don't think you could be happy with the way you're treating me. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you are happy about it.

But I don't think you want to be that way. And so I'm going to go for counseling. I would love for you to go with me. But even if you don't, I'm going to go for counseling. That lets them know that you are about to change the paradigm.

You're not just going to sit there and keep on going through what you're going through. And I think if they go for counseling with you, then guess, there's hope that there's going to be some changes made and the person come to understand what's going on. If they don't go with you, you go for counseling yourself. Because if you're going to then apply tough love, You need to be doing it with the help of a counselor. And by tough love, I mean, there is a place to say.

You know, I love you too much to do nothing, so I'm going to move in with my mother or my sister or whatever your plan is. I'm not abandoning you. I am willing anytime you want to go for counseling, I will go with you. But I'm not going to sit here and let you continue to try to put me down, destroy me down, hit me, and whatever it is they're doing to you. I love you too much to just accept that.

And so you take that move. But I think, first of all, before you do that, you want to see if they will go for counseling with you. That would be the better step. But there's a place for tough love if they don't respond at all. If you have a question, maybe it's a marriage struggle, or you have a dating question, call and leave a message for Dr.

Chapman. I would love to hear his answer to your concern or struggle, or maybe there's something that's positive going on in your relationships and you want to talk about that. Call 866-424-GARY. 866-424-4279. Here's our next caller who also has a marriage struggle.

How are you, Gary? First-time caller. Been married for two years. I'm kind of having a little bit of difficulty right now. Our relationship moved on towards the world instead of Jesus, and then right about when, you know.

There was a good turnaround. things got separated.

Now I know I've heard you guys talk about biblical outs before, so I'm just kind of curious as to how far those biblical outs go. you know, abandonment, sexual immorality. You know? I mean, I'm a stone. but it doesn't mean that I'm not in pain and I'm praying a lot.

So I guess what I'm asking is, uh How far should I be is known? Should I wait it all the way out? Or should I And I'll move on. Uh Thank you for listening.

Well, Chris, you have to feel for this young man. two years married and I don't know what's going on, of course, what his spouse is doing or or what he's doing for that matter. I'll tell you this. Many of us who've been married now for many, many years look back when we were married two years. and had the same kind of feelings he has.

We've married the wrong person. It's not working out. And so, you know, I can tell you, many of our listeners are empathetic with what he's saying. The answer does not come. just with sitting there and just letting it happen whatever it is that's going on.

The answer comes in reaching out for help.

So what I would encourage him to do is to say to uh his wife. Honey, You know, we were in love a few years ago, and I loved you, and you loved me, and But you know how things are today. And I feel like I have got to have help. And I would like for you to go with me. But I am going to see a counselor.

Because I I don't think uh either one of us uh want to put up with uh our relationship like it is now. And I I'm not I don't want to abandon you. I I still love you. But obviously we need some help. and you reach out for help.

A step maybe before that would be to read a book such as the book I wrote called One More Try. What to do when your marriage is falling apart. or another book I wrote called Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away. Either one of those books would be a help to you, but ultimately I think you're going to have to have outside help in terms of a counselor. And then doesn't mean that she will go with you for counseling.

It doesn't mean that even if she does, you can find a resolve because. You can't make a healthy marriage by yourself. But I can tell you that loving her in the right love language is the most powerful influence you can have on her. You can't make her change, but you can have a positive influence. But it doesn't come by criticizing her, by putting her down, and that sort of thing.

It comes by loving her the way God loves us. He loved us when we were still sinners and sent Christ to die for us.

So keeping a loving attitude, and if you know her love language, speaking her love language. Uh then your efforts to reach out for counseling and sharing that concept with her, she's far more likely to be responsive when she sees you treating her in a way that she knows she doesn't deserve, and that is a loving way. Mm-hmm.

So it is normal after a passage of time, you know, two years, three years, five years, whatever, or when children come into the marriage and you begin that family, it's normal, quote unquote, to have that change. Stir things up in this way. But he said something at the beginning about moving toward the world. And I don't know how to interpret that. The way that I do is her values have changed in her life.

She's making decisions that he doesn't agree with. She's going maybe a little bit different direction with her morality or whatever that means. And so how do you deal? How would you counsel him on that? Yeah, I think you'll probably write to Chris about that because I do remember now that's what he said.

And and I think again Uh you have to start where you are. And I think a discussion with her in terms of, honey, where are you and where are you going? You know, I mean, and whatever the issue is, because this is not the person that I married. You know, this is not the way you were before we got married. And so if she's moving in that direction, you're just trying to have a discussion about it, letting her talk about it, you know.

And again, if a person chooses to walk away from God and to have a lifestyle that is anti-biblical and anti-God, We can't make them follow God. And God will not make them. I mean, God gives us freedom. If we choose to walk away from God, we can. And so, but you want to do everything you can to let her know that you want her and you want to have a life with her rather than just negative.

Because negative words and criticism and preaching to her, you know, those kind of things, that's not going to lead in the positive direction. But if she sees that you You do want to have a relationship, and you are asking her questions about that. And to say, if it's a spiritual thing, to ask, you know, would you be willing to talk with a pastor or would you be willing to talk with a Christian counselor? If she's unwilling, then you can't keep her from moving in that direction. But if she follows that direction and she gets involved with someone else and all that sort of thing.

She will be the one that'll take the initiative to divorce. You you won't have to do that. She will do that because she does not want to be in a relationship with someone that all she gets is criticism. And I would add. If you ask her those questions, you have to listen, and it may be hard.

And maybe that's one of the reasons why he's holding back. He doesn't want to hear what is really going on because that scares him. There's some fear there.

So if you broach this conversation with her and you go deeper with her, You gotta be willing to listen to what is really on her heart. And if she shares with you, you know, some of those tough things, that might be the log jam, you know, that breaks the dam that moves you closer together. Thank you for that. There's somebody else who needed to hear that question today. And if you have a question for Dr.

Chapman, here's the number again: 866-424-Gary. 866-424-GARY.

Okay, here's another question we received in written form. Dear Dr. Chapman, thank you for your book. I'm not married yet and not currently in a relationship, but I have a question. From what you explain, it seems that when a man and a woman learn each other's love language and intentionally fill one another's love tank, they can sustain a healthy relationship.

Does this mean that when choosing a spouse, we should be drawn to people who naturally use our love language the most? For example, if I were to marry someone I don't initially love or even know well, and we learn each other's love languages and act accordingly, would we begin to love each other as our love tanks are filled? To me, this feels like it reduces relationships to a very simple mechanism. When a man's love tank is full, he approaches his wife sexually. And when a woman's love tank is full, she becomes emotionally ready for intimacy.

Is that essentially the idea? I want to emphasize I'm not judging your work at all. I truly want to understand it more deeply. Thank you for your time. Kind regards.

A male listener. I appreciate that question, Chris. We don't often get a question like that from a single person. Though I have had many people through the years say what he indicated there at the first part of his call, and that is, is it ideal to look for somebody that has the same love language as you have? And you would think that would be easier and better.

It probably would be. But no, I don't think that's the issue. I don't think you ought to get married just because you have the same love language. I wrote a book some time ago called Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. 12 things I know now I wish I had known before I got married.

And when I speak on college campuses, I say to them, listen, the time to prepare for marriage is not after you get engaged. It's now. I said, read this book now. You may not even be dating, but these are the kind of issues you need to be discussing in a dating context before you ever come to get married. And it's not that they have to have the same love language.

That's not a criteria. We fall in love, and that falling in love experience begins with a feeling. Uh you don't make it happen. And typically people don't marry someone that they have not fallen in love with. They have all these positive feelings for each other.

That's what draws us together. And the old saying, opposites attract. is often true. We're opposite in many different ways, and that's a part of our attraction.

So, nothing wrong with marrying someone that you don't have the same love language, because the kind of love that's going to carry you through. doesn't start with a feeling. It starts with an attitude. I'm in this relationship. to enrich your life.

That's the attitude of love. It's not I'm in this relationship for you to make me happy. That's selfishness. But I'm in this relationship and I'm choosing to marry you because I want to enrich your life. Speaking their love language is just one way that you can enrich their life.

There are many, many other ways, of course. We have to have an attitude of love, however, if we're going to have a good marriage. Two people who have an attitude of love. will work through all the differences they may have in personality and everything else. And we all have to work through some things.

But the reality is we choose our attitude. We don't choose our emotions, but we choose our attitude.

So when he says the love language concept reduces relationships to mechanism, you know, when a man's love tank is full, and he puts it in the sexual context here, that's where it almost sounds like this feels like manipulation to me. Talk about that. Yeah, I don't think speaking a person's love language is trying to manipulate them unless that's your attitude. I will speak their love language so they will speak my love language. That is natural, but we are all self-centered.

See, that is manipulation. I'll speak your love language. You're not saying it, but I'll speak your love language so you'll speak my love language. It's selfishness. That's not love.

That's not the attitude of love. The attitude of love is we have to love each other the way God loved us. We didn't start a relationship with God. He started it. He loved us, sent Christ to die for us.

We just reciprocate. But if we're loving them so they can love us, it's manipulation. And that's why many people stop speaking the other person's love language after three weeks. They'll say, I tried this for three weeks, it didn't work. Which means they didn't reciprocate.

But if you are committed to their well-being and you know their love language, you're speaking it on a regular basis, Love stimulates love. Yes, there is a good chance that they will speak your love language because love stimulates love. But I can't guarantee that, and we can't make them do that.

Sometimes they don't even know what your primary love language is. But so, you know, I j I just think We have to come back to the reality. If we're going to have love long term, if our emotional, let me put it this way: if our emotional need for love is going to be met in a marriage relationship, It's going to be because we chose an attitude of love Many times after the emotions of the in-love experience have evaporated, and we don't have positive feelings toward them. But we choose To enrich their lives, and one of those ways is by speaking their love language. And you just see what happens.

But I'm telling you, love stimulates love. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" . If you enjoy our program, visit our website, buildingrelationships.us.

There you'll find simple ways to strengthen your relationships. Our featured resource is the book by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Paul White, The Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace. We have a link for you at buildingrelationships.us or just go to fivelovelanguages.com.

This is our Dear Gary broadcast for March, and we would love to hear from you if you have a question or maybe a follow-up to something you hear today. Here's the number 866-424-Gary. Just leave a message, and we may use your question here on the program on a future broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. And by the way, turn down your radio in the background.

There are sometimes we get questions, but we hear ourselves more than we hear your questions.

So do that. Make sure it's a little quieter when you call 866-424-Gary. Gary, I want to do something that we've never done before, and that is go to some questions from an entirely different program. Back in February, I had doctors Les and Leslie Parrott on Chris Fabry Live, and we talked about the book that you co-wrote with them, The Love Language That Matters Most. And I opened the phone lines and I said, if you have a love language problem, you call me.

And so these are the questions or some of them that got through to the parrots. And I want to see what you have to say. First of all, to Diane, who called from Nashville with the most foundational question we could ask for. Here she is. Hi.

I just had a question of Trying to understand what my spouse's love language is. I think when you're first in a relationship, it's easier to do it, but longer term, It's more di it seems like it's more difficult to figure out what the person's love language is. Can you help me with that?

Well, I think there are informal ways of discovering a person's love language. One is, how do they most often express love to you or to the children or other other people that are close to them? Because we tend to speak our own love language. That would be the first question. The second question to ask, I think, is, what do they complain about most often?

The complaint often reveals the love language. If they say, for example, you know, I just feel like we don't spend any time together anymore. They're telling you quality time is their primary love language. Or if it's a a particular holiday and they say, You didn't get me anything? They're telling you gifts is their love language, and it's a holiday, and you didn't even give them a gift.

So you you listen to their complaints and then also Listen to what they request of you most often. If they're saying, for example, periodically, honey, can we take a walk together this afternoon or this evening? They're asking you for quality time, just the two of us walking together and talking. Or if they say to you, how do you think this looks? Talking about their clothing, they're asking you to give them words of affirmation.

Or if they say to you, well, here's another complaint: I can't ever please you. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't please you. They're telling you words of affirmation is their language, but all they ever hear from you are critical words. If you put those three things together, you can pretty much figure out your spouse's love language.

Now, if they haven't taken the online quiz and are willing to do it, I would certainly encourage that. And of course, the premium quiz now, where they learn not only their primary love language and what percentage the others are, but they get the dialects of those languages, you know, that could be really, really helpful. Gary, refresh my memory then. How do you get that premium assessment? Where do you go?

They go to the website fivelovelanguages.com, the number five, fivelovelanguages.com, and click on premium assessment or click on I don't know if it says quizzes or assessment, and you'll find it easily.

Okay, fivelovelanguages.com.

Okay, so that was Diane's question. Here's the next caller who called in. Again, this was at the end of February.

Now, Gary is answering these same questions that the parrots answered. This is Janine.

Okay.

I found your programming and I love it. I'm really going through a difficult time right now. And I was just sitting here thinking, I was having time with the Lord, and I was thinking, hey, I wonder what his love language is. Because I know I want to know how to love him more and Even when we don't do grief and a lot of things, we might not always still love. We know he loves us, but we don't always still love.

I don't even know what my love language is or whatever, but I was just thinking. You know, wonder what God is. The language of the heart, I guess, I'm sure, because he knows all about it.

Well, on that last part, I would say I wrote a book on that, God Speaks Your Love Language. And the fact is, God speaks all five love languages fluently. And I use biblical illustrations, I use church history illustrations, I use contemporary illustrations that people are drawn to God when they sense His love in their love language. It's amazing the parallel you see between that.

So God, I'm not saying God has a primary love language. God is love. All five of these are in the character of God, and He expresses love in all five ways. But she says she didn't even know her own love language, which makes me wonder if she's really read the original book of "The 5 Love Languages" , because in there I think she probably would discover her love language. But again, if you haven't discovered your love language in some other way, you can certainly go online and take the premium quiz, which Gives you your primary love language, the dialects of that language that are most important.

So I would encourage that. I said on the program exactly what you said. Gary wrote the book on God and love language. And then I picked up something. I said, she gave us a clue.

Janine gave us a clue because she started her question with, I was just sitting here spending time or having time with the Lord. And it's like, there it is. For her, quality time might be her love language if she's doing that, you know, spending that time with God and thinking these deep thoughts about God. What do you think? I would agree, Chris.

I think spending quality time with God is some people's primary love language, and if so, they easily do that. Other people, It's a strain for them to sit down every day and it doesn't come natural for them. We all need it. But for some people, it's easy. That's kind of the highlight of their day because quality time is their language.

The love language that matters most was the topic we talked about with the parrots and Kathy called on that program. Here's her question. I know. that um my husband's primary love language is active services. Then the main one that he wants is for me to be able to keep the kitchen clean.

And I'm having trouble. Meeting that love language. I mean, I physically have problems, and he knows that I don't do it on purpose because. I have really bad attention deficit. I go into another room and I start another project because there's so many things to do.

And I could be leaving everything out. And the thing is, is that, you know, he understands, but it doesn't make me be able to do what he wants me to do. You've gone the first step, though. You know what it is that will show love to him.

So you've got that, you know, it's like you've gotten over that hurdle. Yeah. Well, Chris, I would say it's good that she has identified her husband's primary love language. That's the first step, acts of service. And the one thing that's really meaningful to him, she made that clear, is having a clean kitchen, everything in its place.

She mentions her attention deficit disorder and that that consequently plays into this. Even though she wants to do that, her mind jumps to something else and she runs to that and then she runs to something else. And I can understand that and I don't have the full answer to that. But I do think if she concentrates on the fact that this is really what is going to speak love to him. and maybe make herself some notes.

As to what specific things need to be done and letting that be a priority. Because, you know, something else runs through your mind and go to the next room and do this. But if you know that this is a priority and you make it a priority, even with some difficulty, I think you can learn to do the thing that really is meaningful to him.

So that would be my thoughts. But I don't have attention deficit disorder.

So I can't identify totally with that, okay? I identify with it because I'll be working on something and then, oh, I got to do this. And then, oh, well, the trash needs to be taken out. And a half hour later, I'm somewhere else.

So I get what Kathy's talking about. But I have heard you say, and this works for long distance relationships, or someone who has a physical difficulty and they are bedbound. They can't do it to do anything for the other person or they can have a conversation, but they can't do those acts of service. I've heard you say just the expression or writing something down or saying something, if I could get up from here, here's what I would do for you. If I could keep my mind focused on something, what I would love to do is just that kind of expression to the other person makes a difference, doesn't it?

Absolutely, Chris, because it gives them your intention. It expresses to them what's on your heart. If I could do this. I would because I really love you. Yes, absolutely.

And we all have some limitations. They may be mental, emotional, physical limitations. But as you said, there are some people who cannot do certain things because of physical difficulties. But I think expressing what you would do. If you could.

communicates to them on an emotional level that you love them. Gary, I want to give you one more question from the Chris Fabry Live program that we had with Doctors Les and Leslie Parrott. We were talking about your book, The Love Language That Matters Most. And here's what Luis asked. Yes, I would like to ask, I understand my wife is a narcissist by what I have learned here in Moody Radio, all the shows I have spoke about it.

And I'd like to know how can I use these five love languages when a person that today it might be a little loving tomorrow. It's so many different uh ways that she express herself. That is uh no matter what I do, I mean, no matter what I do as a Christian man, as a loving husband. Everything is wrong and uh Uh the only affection she shows is maybe when she needs something or uh uh sh Triumph every single thing on the book.

Well, you can hear his frustration and what I hear him saying is that he really feels like he is a good husband and he is doing everything he can to communicate that he loves her and cares for her. But it's almost like nothing ever pleases her. He's never good enough. And so he doesn't get any affirmation coming from all the things that he's doing. And I think many of our listeners can identify with that because they've probably been there themselves.

Because we tend to see ourselves as doing good things, and if we know the love language, we're trying to speak their love language if we know their love language. And I'm not sure if he's ever really dug into that to know that he really knows what her love language is. But that would be important. I think it would be one of the first things I would say if I were counseling him in the office is: let's find out for sure that you know what your wife's primary love language is. Because maybe you are expressing love to her in your mind.

You're doing all kinds of things for her, but you still may not be hitting the target if you don't know what her primary love language is.

So I would say to him, if he hasn't taken the quiz, either the free quiz or the premium quiz, I would encourage him to, both of them, to take it and then talk about their relationship. I can guarantee you. It will open up conversation with you when you start talking about it.

Now, maybe she has a problem that she's just a negative person. Her personality is negative. And in that case, it probably is not going to change unless she gets some outside help, by which I mean a Christian counselor who can sit down and help her begin to realize that. The pattern that she's developed in her mind that there's something wrong with everything. We've got to change the pattern.

But it does not happen without help.

So I would encourage her, if she was open to that, to get counseling and begin to recognize the positive things in life. because folks who have a negative attitude Everything, it's not just the marriage, it's everything is negative to them in their life. And it's a terrible way to live, but that pattern can be broken with the right kind of help. And a loving spouse can be a part of that. But as you've said earlier, and you've said many times, you can't change your spouse.

You cannot do that. You can be an agent of change, but you can't change them.

So again, we've been talking about the book, The Love Language That Matters Most. You can find out more about that, as well as our featured resource today at buildingrelationships.us. We have time for one more question, another written question from a single listener. Dear Dr. Chapman, I'm currently reading your book, "The 5 Love Languages" .

I'm learning so much from it. Thank you for the wisdom you share. I'm going through some struggles with my boyfriend and was wondering if you might be able to offer some advice. We have been dating for about a year and we are both over 25 years old. He's very special to me.

He's a Christian like I am, and he prays every day, asking God to show him ways how to love me better, and I do the same.

However, I sometimes feel that he is not loving me in the way that I need, and he feels that he may not be able to love me the way I deserve. Besides this, he keeps telling me to not worry. that everything will be fine. and this brings me so much comfort and relief. Do you think this is something we could overcome?

We truly want this relationship to work. sending you blessings, and then she gives her name, and I'll keep her anonymous. What would you say to her?

Well, you know, Chris, first of all, I would like to know, has her boyfriend read the book with her? And are they discussing this concept together? He may or may not have. She's reading the book, she says, and she's finding it very helpful. But I would say if they have not each of them read the book, each of them taken a quiz, learned what the primary love language is, then if he says that I can't speak that love language.

It's probably because he never received it growing up. But the good news is, he can learn to speak that language. if he really loves you. And he will if he really loves you. Because any one of these can be learned.

Maybe he got negative words growing up. He was told how awful he was and all of that sort of thing. And he has a hard time knowing how to say positive words, if words of affirmation, for example, would be your love language. But any one of these love languages can be learned even if you didn't receive them as a child. And this is what dating is all about.

It's helping us spend enough time together, discuss enough topics together, that we see that we can have a great relationship together. And so just the fact that he says everything's going to be all right doesn't mean everything's going to be all right, okay? Another book I would suggest the two of you work through is the book I wrote called Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. I mentioned this earlier in the program. Because I think as a dating couple who are serious, and obviously you are, Working through that book would help you not only with the love languages, but with several other topics that are important to be discussed before you get married.

And I think that that she said it brought her comfort when he says, everything's going to work out, everything's going to be fine. To me, that sometimes can be used to shut down the struggle, you know, shut down the feelings that are there to just say, look, it's going to work out.

Well, we'll work it out. A lot of people say that before they get married and they never deal with their finances or who's going to cook the dinner or to take out the trash and mow the yard and all that kind of stuff. You've got, it's hard to stick with those things and to hash them out. But I think it's, you know, saying everything is going to be fine can be a way to kind of push that other person away. Yeah, I think you're right, Chris.

And often that it's saying, I don't want to talk about it. Let's don't talk about it. Let's don't talk about it. It's going to work out all right. You see, when you're in love, you think everything's going to work out all right.

But That in-love experience that the two of you feel has an average lifespan of two years. You've been dating already one year. We all come down off that high. And that's why we have to look at a lot of these other things, not just those feelings of love, because they're not going to carry us through. And so you work through that book, 12 Things That I Know Now I Wish I Had Known.

Chances are, by the time you finish that, you're going to make some real progress or you're going to realize, you know, we're not meant for each other. We're not making the positive things that need to be done now, okay? As we end the program today, I want to play for you the winner for the shortest call on record and the most meaningful listen to this. Thanks, Gary. I just want to say thank you for Part of the work do you do?

Chris, I don't think we've ever had a call like that. No. I have had people tell me, I appreciate the work you do, and then talk about a whole lot of other things. But obviously, it does seem that some of the works that I've done have influenced his life. And he's expressing it out of a heart of gratitude.

And obviously, that's very encouraging to me and would be to any author.

Well, he's made a connection with you, and I understand that. And it sounds like we have no idea. What has happened in his life that you have spoken into? But we also know that there's somebody else speaking through you, Gary, that it's not just you talking here.

So I echo, and a lot of listeners are echoing that same thing. Thank you for what you have done and are doing and will do by the power of God at work in you. I want to give that phone number one more time: 866-424-Gary. Do you have a question? You have a comment?

Maybe a short comment. Thank you, Gary. 866-424-4279. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the five languages of appreciation in the workplace, a featured resource today. Go to buildingrelationships.us.

And next week... How to find a friend and be the kind of friend you want to be. Becky Harling will encourage us to be friend-wise in one week. Before we go, let me thank our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr.

Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.