Dear Gary | January

The top seven questions Dr. Gary Chapman is asked when he speaks at conferences today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. We influence our spouse every single day, either in a positive way or a negative way. There's nothing that will give you a more positive influence on your spouse than to love them in the right love language consistently for a long period of time.

Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . It's time for our Dear Gary broadcast for the month of January, featuring your questions for this trusted author and speaker. And we're doing something a little bit different today. I have asked Gary to come up with the most often asked questions that he gets when he speaks at conferences and events.

And you're going to hear those top seven. We're going to count them down today. And a few other questions that we'll get to here as we begin our January Dear Gary conversation. And what an exciting featured resource we have for you at buildingrelationships.us. It's the new book by Gary and the Parrots titled The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It.

You'll find it at buildingrelationships.us.

Now, that is not a new musical group, unless I haven't heard something, Gary, or an old musical group, Gary and the Parrots. That's you, Dr. Chapman, along with Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott, who put this book together. And it's billed as the pivotal next.

step in the love language revolution. Explain that to me.

Well, I'm very excited about this book, Chris. You know, through the years, people have said to me about the original love language book, you know, you mentioned that some of these love languages, or maybe all of them, have dialects. But in the book, you don't describe what the dialects are. And then the other thing I've heard is, you know, you mentioned personality differences, but how does the personality interface with the love languages? And so in this book, among other things, we're dealing with those two issues and we're spelling it out, various dialects within each of these languages.

And by dialect, I mean different ways to speak that particular love language. Because you could be speaking their love language, but maybe in a dialect that's not the one that really is most meaningful to them. And so this, anyone who's read the original book, this book is going to be one that they're going to really like because it's going to help you take the whole thing to a different level. Yeah, it reminds me of the book you did with Jennifer Thomas about the apology languages, that people will hear you say, well, I'm really sorry about that, and say, well, you never apologized because you didn't say it in the way that they would have heard it loudest. And so you can speak their love language, you're thinking that you are speaking their love language, but not really be getting to the heart, right?

Absolutely, Chris. That's the whole issue. And along with the book, we also have a premier quiz that they can take online. And it will give them, you know, not only their primary, secondary, and so forth love language, it will give them the dialect that is most important to them, that really speaks most deeply to them.

So if husband and wife both take the premier assessment, man, they're going to have great information to sit down and talk about in trying to understand each other better.

So, Gary and the Parrots, you don't have a new musical group, do you? We don't have a new musical group. If we did, I couldn't be a part of it. I'm not a musician.

Well, if you do, I can play a mean tambourine, just to let you know. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, the love language that matters most is our featured resource. Just came out a couple of weeks ago, and we have it linked right there: buildingrelationships.us.

Well, we're going to hear the seven most asked questions of Gary in just a minute, but this wouldn't be a dear Gary program without a couple of questions from our listener line. If you want to ask a question for a future program, call us right now, 866-424-Gary. 866-424-4279 and leave your question or comment for Dr. Gary Chapman. Now here's a husband in a difficult situation.

Hi, Gary. My name is Micah. I'm a God fearing man. I recently got married to uh Girl of a different nationality. And she had two kids.

I moved her into my home. She said I treated her like a immigrant and she m moved out uh less than a month after we were married.

Now she said she thought she was pregnant, but now that she said she's not, she placed blaming it on God and saying maybe God doesn't want us together because we're not pregnant.

So I'm thinking I need to file separation because this roller coaster is hurting me. Can you give me feedback?

Well, you have to be empathetic with the caller. Apparently, they married because they had a desire to be with each other, and apparently, things did not go well. And she got out of the marriage and left thinking maybe she was pregnant. And then she found out she wasn't pregnant, and she interpreted that as well. That means I can stay out of this marriage.

We can't control another person. That's one of the first things I would say. You can't make her return. If she chooses to stay apart and chooses to lead toward divorce, you can't keep her from doing that.

So I don't know if you have contact with her periodically or not. If you do, if there's contact, there's always an opportunity to discuss the issue and issues that brought her to the place of moving out and discuss the possibility and even talk about going for counseling.

So if there's an openness on the part of both of you, there is at least some hope there. But if there's no openness and she is not willing to go for counseling, you cannot keep her from divorcing.

So I would suggest also you might find it helpful to sit down with a pastor or a counselor and kind of process your own emotions with someone else rather than just being there, you know, alone with your own thoughts and your own feelings. Because sharing life, life was meant to be lived in community and sharing life with each other or with someone that cares about you and her. Would be very, very helpful. We're only hearing his side of the story. Of course, if we had her calling in, we'd have more information.

But it sounds to me like what he's feeling is this deep betrayal. We were married, we were going forward, and then a month later, she's gone with her kids. What happened here? All of that kind of thing. Which if you feel that deep betrayal, if you hold that in and you don't deal with it with a counselor, with talking with somebody, a good friend, that's going to fester over time, isn't it?

Yeah, and it can become really the heart of your whole life. You spend every day with this attention and pressure and all kind of emotional feelings.

So we need to process the thoughts and feelings that you're having with someone and particularly with someone like a counselor or a pastor who's had experience in helping people work through these things.

So I'm intuiting when he asked the question of to file for separation, legal separation or whatever it is, that that should be done in coordination with having a conversation either with her or if he can't talk with her, talk with somebody who knows him well. Yeah, absolutely. Rather than just making a decision on his own, always best to run the whole situation by somebody else and let them help you decide when and what to do. Again, if you'd like to ask a question, maybe respond to that gentleman's question right there on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Call us 866-424-Gary.

Before we take a break, Gary, we're going to talk about the top questions you get when you speak to people around the country. Here is an encouraging voicemail from some folks who met you in Texas and left this message for you. Not a Gary. It sounds funny. Um I was raised better than that.

Hi, Dr. Chapman. This is Kenny and Janet Taylor, and we heard you speak at Flint Baptist Church in Flint, Texas. And we just want to thank you for the Information that you shared with us and the things that we can pray for to help each other in our new marriage. And also, we most importantly, we wanted to tell you that we are following through with your request for prayers daily.

So when we're doing the Bible of the year, and also then we read a portion of your book every morning. And after that we pray for Our family, our friends, and of course, pray for you. We hope you are doing well. And we love your ministry. And God bless you.

Thank you, sir. Bye-bye.

Well, Chris, it's nice to hear those kind of words. I remember being in Flint, Texas, and it's always nice when people do what I request, and that is free for me and my ministry, as well as applying some of the things we taught at the conference. I do Saturday marriage conferences all over the country, and they can find out where I'm going to be if they go to fivelovelanguages.com. Always glad to encourage to know that people follow through with what they're learning at the conference.

So it's very encouraging. It sounds like what they're doing is going through the uh one year love language minute devotional together and then praying for each other and the and the needs. Boy, that really can can be a game changer, can't it? Absolutely. You know, I encourage couples every single year work through a book on marriage.

And by work through, I mean read a chapter and then say what can we learn from it? Or in this case, of course, it's a daily devotional. A featured resource today is the new book, The Love Language That Matters Most: How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It. Go to buildingrelationships.us to find that book right there. BuildingRelationships.us.

All right, Gary, it's time to count them down. The top seven questions that you get when you speak at a conference somewhere around the country. Are you ready to do this? I think so. This first one has over it the heading of Of going through grief, going through some kind of calamity.

And the question is: this: Our 13-year-old son was killed in a car wreck. That was six months ago. My spouse is depressed and it's beginning to affect our relationship. I don't know how I can help that my spouse understand that we need to get on with our lives. How do you respond to that?

Well, Chris, the whole thing of grief is an issue that everybody has to deal with sooner or later. Because all of us are going to have family members who are going to die.

Now, when a 13-year-old son or child dies in an accident and that sort of thing, it can be even more traumatic. Because in our minds, children are not supposed to die at that age. It's a whole matter of grief. And we all process grief in a different way. And this is rather common.

that one of us will say to the other, now we just got to get over this and go on. We're trying to bring them out of the depressed feelings and all the other emotions that they may be having. But we have to recognize it takes time to work through grief. I mean, some research has shown that the average time to where you get back on level ground is about two years. But it's different with different people.

There's no particular pathway that you work your way through grief, though there are certainly different aspects of grief.

So I would just say to this gentleman, please don't pressure your wife and make things even harder for her. by telling her she's got to get over it. We've got to go on with our lives. Be empathetic with her. And usually there are places in a city where you can either go for individual counseling for grief, Or there are Grief Share, an organization called Grief Share.

Many churches are using this material.

So I would check around to see if there are churches that offer Grief Share. It's a program where you go week by week and meet with other people who are going through grief. But we can't try to force another person to, quote, get over it and let's go on with our life. I understand when you see her depressed and probably not able to function really well in the regular flow of life, it's very concerning to you. But rather than pushing which comes across as condemnation, let's encourage her and you to reach out and let's get some help, either with an individual counselor or an individual pastor or with a group that's meeting in your city.

We're going to have Dr. Greg Smalley on with us in a couple of weeks. And one of the things that he talks about is being able to be thankful for the differences in marriage. And this is a huge one: the way that one spouse grieves versus another. If you can get to the point where you say, I don't understand why my spouse is.

you know, still struggling with this, I've kind of moved on. you can if you get to the point where you can say, but thank God that I have the spouse who's grieving this this deeply, if you can get there, something good might happen down the road, don't you think? Yeah, I think so. It's rather we don't want to condemn our spouse for processing grief in a different way than we're processing it or on a different time schedule because this is very, very common that one person will process grief much faster and much easier than another person.

So we don't want to make it worse by condemning them or preaching to them. That's basically what I'm saying.

Well, and I think, correct me if I'm wrong, Gary. But I've experienced this in my own marriage with Andrea. It's like if I don't feel some of the things that are going on, she has to carry the whole weight of it.

So perhaps if he were to pick up some of that, you know, that load. And express some of that to her, which maybe he hasn't, you know, because he's got to be feeling something there. That might unload some of the grief from her. What do you think? Oh yeah, I think that's exactly right.

You know, see, many times people who like him will have the idea that, okay, it's real, it's happened, we can't change it, so let's go on. And they tell themselves that, I've got to get up and go on. And they really kind of push down their grief. Whereas if you look at the Bible, look at the lamentations, look at the Psalms, I mean, they're people pouring out their heart to God of all the pain and all that they're feeling. We have to process grief.

We can't just push it down and think it'll go away. No, we're kidding ourselves when we do that. Far better to talk about it. I would say to this gentleman, you know, it would be helpful for him if he could maybe just sit down and write out some of the feelings he had when he first found out what happened with the death of this son. Just write out those feelings because he's probably the kind of person that hasn't expressed his feelings to other people because he figures, well, they can't help me anyway.

They can't change things.

So I talk about it. But writing it out or talking to others about it is a way that we do process grief. Boy. I can just see that couple, you know, and where they're headed if there's not a change in both of them, you know, responding to each other. All right.

So that's the heading. Question number seven is about grief and the struggle in a marriage. Question number six, that Gary gets when he speaks around the country, is represented with this question: We've been married for a year. and my parents live in the same town. They want to spend time with us, but they just stop by unannounced.

Sometimes it's very inconvenient for us. What should we do? Chris, this is a very common thing for young couples who get married living in the same town as one of their parents. You know, sometimes both sets of parents are in town.

Sometimes it's just one set of parents in town. And the parents love them and they want to keep a relationship going after the couple gets married.

So they just stop by any time and, you know, want to sit down and talk or have coffee or tea or whatever. But it can be very inconvenient for the couple. I remember one young couple who said to me, Dr. Chapman, this is how bad it is. My wife and I had decided we were going to have a really nice romantic night together, you know.

And so we had the candles and we had the music and everything ready for a nice romantic evening together and the doorbell rang. And I went to the door, and it was my mother and daddy, or maybe I can't remember, maybe it was her mother and daddy. He said, well, I had to invite him in, but that was the end of our romantic night. You know. And uh so they were asking me, What what what are we supposed to do?

And uh gave a little thought to that and I said, Well, I'll tell you what, I think that if that he should tell whoever it is, if it's his father and mother, he should say he should tell his father what happened that night. J just say, Dad, I want to share something with you. And just tell him what happened that night, what you all were had planned and how things were going and and what happened when they came in. I said his father will talk to his wife. And I say, after you share it with him, you just suggest: Dad, maybe it would be better for all of us if you all just call.

uh you know, and ask if it would be convenient for you to stop by. Or maybe, you know, could call a day early so we could all kind of plan on it. And I said, I can almost guarantee you his father will tell his wife about it, and they will change the pattern. And they will start calling, okay? But many times, parents are not aware of what's happening.

You know, that's just who they are. They want to spend time with them. They don't think about calling because this is family. But a family who's married now, young folks who are married, they need your help. And yes, they want to have a relationship with you.

But it needs to be on a more organized fashion so that you ask, would it be a good time to come over now? Or what about Thursday night? Would you all be open to having dinner together or whatever? But it's a very common thing that young couples have to work with if they have parents who live in the same town. Yes.

Communication. That's it. Keep the lines going. And so, and you're not saying don't ever come over. You're just saying, let's just find out.

And you know what that did? That triggered a memory in my mind. My grandmother lived in the little town about five minutes' drive away. And my two uncles lived with her. And my mom would put me in the car and we'd go down to my mom's house and we just walk in.

It was a cultural thing. They didn't have a telephone, so you couldn't call them. And so you just walked in, they'd be eating dinner. We'd sit down, have, have, you know, have a conversation. And what, and I, I often wondered as I grew up, what, what did we, what did they have planned?

Were they going to watch something on TV or do something else? What did we do? They never complained. They just, you know, welcomed us in.

So I think. I think there's a bit of a cultural divide there too that might be happening. What do you think? Oh yeah, I I agree with that. Yeah, I agree with that.

And I think, you know, certain cultures, that's just the way of life. You know, you don't have to call or anything or talk to anybody. You just stop in, stop in anytime, anytime. You're always welcome. Just come on by.

But when it's causing a problem, we have to address the issue. Yes. All right, so the first two questions: marriage and grief. Second question was: marriage and in-laws or parents. Here's question number three or five if we count them down.

And it's about finances. My husband handles our money. I really don't know anything about our finances. That doesn't seem right to me. I think he may be spending too much money on sports, but I don't really know.

should he not be sharing with me our financial situation?

Well, Chris, as you may know, one of the huge issues in marriage centers around money and how money is handled in the marriage.

So a question in this area about finances is a very common question because people are struggling with this. And you can imagine, you put yourself in the shoes of this wife, young wife. and uh her husband is handling everything. He's paying all the bills, he's doing everything, balancing the checkbook and the whole bit. But she doesn't know what's going on.

And she just feels left out in terms of the finances.

Now she's observing that he's bought quite a bit of sports equipment and so forth, and she's thinking that's got to be expensive. And I don't know what kind of situation we're in financially. And she's asking the question, you know, is this the way it should be? Or shouldn't we be discussing this? And she's rightfully concerned.

Because in a marriage, uh money is a huge issue. And we have different ideas on money and some and personalities.

Some people are spenders.

Some people are savers, for example. But a couple, once they're married, need to be sharing with each other what's going on in the financial.

Now, it is typical that one person will manage paying the bills every month and balancing the checkbook. But both of us ought to be involved in it. And we also ought to sit down and take time to make a list of all the monthly bills that we have to pay so that both of us have an idea of what those are like and what kind of what the expenses is. And so. There needs to be communication about this.

I remember when we first got married, my wife agreed that she would keep the books. and she would balance the checkbook and she'd pay all the bills.

Now we didn't have much money.

So one day, My wife said to me, Honey, could you could you do the finances? And I said, well, I could. I said, but why? She said, it hurts my stomach. And she went on to tell me that we didn't have much money.

And sometimes we get to the end of the month and there was a bill that needed to be paid, and there wasn't any money there to pay it. And she was struggling with it.

So I said, okay, honey, I'll be happy to do it. You know, I said, and I said, yeah, you can still look at it anytime you want to. She said, I don't want to look at it.

So from there on, I've been balancing the checkbook every month and paying all the bills. But for many, many years, she's the one that carries the checkbook. You know, she uses the checkbook if she wants to. But as you know, today we have credit cards and all that. And it's a complex issue.

Finances is a complex issue in a family. But certainly there ought to be discussion, and we ought to make sure that both of us feel good about how money is being handled. You know, there are guidelines that we can set up for ourselves. I remember when Carolyn and I got married, the one thing that the pastor told us about money. He said, I think each of you needs some money that you can do what you want to with.

It can be $50 a month or $100 a month. It all depends on how much money you have. But that's so that neither of you has to go the other and say, honey, can I have $10 to buy this? 'Cause that makes one of you a child, the other a parent. No, it's our money.

It's not my money and your money. It's our money.

So that was a very helpful idea. And so there are other ideas in terms of working out how we feel both feel good about it. But that's the goal. that we both feel good about how we're handling our money. And if we disagree on things, we need to hear each other's perspective and talk our way through it and then make a decision on how we will handle it.

But what we want to do is recognize the reality, it's our money. It doesn't matter if one of us is working or both of us are working in a job and getting paid. It's still our money. and incidentally, if you have debts Before you get married, They become our debts. Yeah.

So this is why it's confusing, and it can be very, very frustrating, and that's why money is one of the most common areas where couples have conflict.

So learn everything you can about money management, but it doesn't have to be one way to do it by every couple. It can be one taking the lead, another taking the lead, but whatever we want to do is that the other one doesn't feel left out. as this lady did. You're listening to the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast.

If you go to our website, buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the latest release from Dr. Gary Chapman and his co-authors, Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott. It's the book, The Love Language That Matters Most. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.

Plus, while you're there, find out when Gary might be coming to your area for a seminar. Just go to buildingrelationships.us or find us at fivelovelanguages.com. 866-424-Gary, leave your message today. Could be a struggle you're having in your relationship. Could be a positive thing that is going on.

We'd love to hear it. 1-866-424-Gary. We're counting down the top seven questions Gary gets when he talks around the country at his conferences, at churches, at events. I feel like we need to do a long distance dedication in here, Gary, but let's get to number four. In your book, "The 5 Love Languages" , you mentioned that each of the love languages have various dialects.

What do you mean by that and what are some of the dialects of each language?

Well, you know, Chris, I mentioned this earlier, that this is a common question I have heard through the years. The original book, "The 5 Love Languages" , has been out over 30 years now. And this is probably the most common question I've heard about "The 5 Love Languages" , because I did mention the concept that languages have different dialects. You know, spoken languages have different dialects, and the same is true with the love languages. But I didn't spell them out.

And so therefore, this this is a very very common question as to what those dialects are.

Now I don't have all the I don't have the list of all of those with me here today in the studio. But in the new book that we're mentioning today, The Love Language That Matters Most, We spell out dialects for each of "The 5 Love Languages" . And sometimes there's three or four dialects, sometimes there's six or seven dialects, depending on what the language is. But these are all spelled out in the book. And as you read the book, you're going to identify more with one dialect than you will some of the other dialects.

So imagine now how this is going to help you. Communicate love, not just by speaking their language in a general sense, but speaking the dialect of that language that is most important to them. And of course, also, we have online a premium quiz, which I think I mentioned earlier also, where you can actually take a quiz and it will show you your primary language and secondary and so forth, but also show you the dialects within that language. And also, the dialects in other languages that, if because all the languages are important, it's not that we only speak the love language, the primary love language. All of them are important, but we want to really be speaking very fluently the primary love language.

But even on the other love languages, we want to speak the dialects that would be most meaningful to them.

So, it's a great question, and now we have an answer, both online and in the book. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see that featured resource, The Love Language That Matters Most, How to Personalize Love So They Really Feel It, BuildingRelationships.us. And something you said to our very first question, number seven, the couple going through grief over a 13-year-old son who was killed in a car accident. You said, What if that husband writes things down? And it made me think about: you could do this with words of affirmation or gifts.

This could be a gift. If you write something down and present that to your spouse, something that I notice about you, honey, or something that I really appreciate about you, that is, in a sense, a dialect, something that is written that is physical, that is tangible, that you may find years down the road tucked away in some old book that they kept. because that meant so much. Absolutely, Chris. You know, my love language, my primary love language, is words of affirmation.

And remember, words can be spoken. Words can be written, words can be sung. But I have a couple of notes that my wife wrote to me. Just simple things, just a sheet of notebook paper. that I carry with me all the time.

Really. Everywhere I go, they're with me. And every once in a while, I'll pull them out and I'll read them again.

Now, you can't do that with spoken words. You know, they're there and then they're gone. And you might remember what they said a year from now, but probably not. But written words for a person that this is their love language, if words are their language, or even if it's not, It can be a gift if gifts is their love language. This can be a wonderful gift because it's something tangible, but it's also speaking love to them.

So written words can be powerful. It reminds me of that scene in Saving Private Ryan, When he is, Tom Hanks' character is talking about his wife, and he's, I think he's reading something, and one of the other soldiers says, Well, what does she say in there? Or you ask more about that? And he goes, No, this is for me. This is not, I'm not sharing this.

This is mine. If I were to ask you, so what did Carolyn write? You probably would say the same thing. No, that's for me. That's for her and me to know, right?

Well, that's right. No, I have shared it. I've asked hers. I don't care if I share this with people.

So I've shared it sometimes.

Well, tell me then. What does she say? You've got to tell me. Because if I know that I say, if I say something to my wife and I give her this and she's going to keep that for decades. Boy, that's going to make an impact on her and me.

So what did she say? I have it right here in my office, and I have it right in front of me.

So I'm going to share it with you and our audience. It's just on a plain sheet of notebook paper. It's all frayed around the ends. My sweet Gary, I do love you. U is underlined.

I shall pray for you. U is underlined. I am so blessed to live with you. She underlines you every time. I am proud of you.

And underneath proud she has in parenthesis thankful. excited. Biblical Praod. Grateful. Life with you is beyond belief.

Have fun. Bear fruit. Enjoy and return. Stay warm. She gave it to me as I was leaving to go on a speaking engagement.

Wow. There's no date on it, so I don't know when she gave it to me, but it was many, many years ago. But it's still very meaningful to me. I can tell. I can tell.

And that your love language is words of affirmation. That just means the world, doesn't it? Absolutely. Absolutely. Because when you're going out, you're not doing this on your own.

You're doing it with her approval, her backing, her. She's your wind beneath your wings, as they say, right? Yeah, absolutely. She's praying for me. You know, she's never condemned me for being gone and that kind of thing.

She's always, honey, I'm with you. I'm praying for you. You know, I mean, I couldn't ask for more, you know, but those words kind of. Put it all in print.

Well, that is going to speak volumes to somebody listening today. And they're going to say, My husband, my wife, words of affirmation, and they're going to put that on a piece of paper and hand that. And I hope that bears fruit in your life here today. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Again, the book that Gary mentioned about the whole dialects is our featured resource today. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, you'll see it right there. The love language that matters most: how to personalize love so they really feel it. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. All right, we're down to the last three questions.

Question number three: My husband knows my love language, but he does not speak it. He says he loves me. But most of the time, I do not feel loved. What can I do to motivate him to speak my love language?

Well, what you don't want to do is to criticise him. And say, now you know my love language. We've talked about this. If you really loved me, then you would da da da da da da da da da. All that does is condemn him.

None of us like to be condemned. My suggestion is the biblical concept that love stimulates love. That is, the Bible says we love God because He first loved us. We didn't start a relationship with God. He started it.

He expressed his love to us in sending Christ, and we could go on and on and on about how he's expressed his love to us.

Well, that principle works in marriages as well. Love stimulates love.

So I would say if you choose with the help of God to love Him in His love language and just be consistent in doing that over an extended period of time, You are doing the most important thing you can do to influence your husband because love stimulates love. If he is feeling really loved by you because you're speaking his love language on a regular basis, I say over an extended period of time, I'm not talking about three weeks, okay? I've had people say, well, you know, I spoke his language three weeks and he's just not speaking mine, you know. No, no, how about three months or six months? You know, I mean, God loved us, many of us, a long time before we ever responded.

So, you commit yourself and ask God's help. He'll give you his help. You communicate love to him. In his love language, and you're influencing him. You see, We influence our spouse every single day.

either in a positive way or a negative way. There's nothing that will give you a more positive influence on your spouse than to love them in the right love language consistently over a long period of time. And I think you will find that love will stimulate love. But when you simply complain about it, then you're having a negative influence because they're feeling put down by you, condemned by you. I know that's not what you mean, but that's what you're communi that's what they're hearing.

We have been counting down the top seven questions that Gary gets when he goes out around the country.

Well, you could say around the world because you visit different countries, Gary. And these are representative of some of the things that are asked of you. When you finish speaking or in a break, and we're down to the last two, this is number two. My wife is on my case about not speaking her love language, which is receiving gifts. First of all, we don't have a lot of money.

And secondly, I am not a gift giver. I can't imagine that receiving gifts is her love language and I'm not sure what to do. What did you say to that fella? First of all, I could say there's a whole bunch of people in your shoes. They're not gift givers.

They never learn to give gifts. And gifts is number five for them as far as being meaningful.

So they can't understand why in the world gifts would be somebody's love language.

So the feeling and the words you're expressing are very, very normal. Not everybody, but for people that never receive gifts and for whom gifts is number five, they'll have the same attitude that this question reveals. And what I would say is this. Look at your own love language. And whatever it is, if your spouse is speaking that love language, and you feel loved by them.

That's the same feeling you produce in their heart when you give them a gift. Even though you don't understand it, it's not your language, you don't understand how it could be. But what I'm saying is, if that's their primary language, if gifts is their primary language, when you give them a gift. You're you're creating those kind of feelings inside of them. That should give you motivation.

to say, I'm going to learn to speak this language. And Any one of these languages can be learned even if you did not receive them growing up. Maybe gifts were not a big thing in your family. They're not a big thing to you. But you can learn to speak this language.

So, two or three things I would throw out, just ideas. One is, he says he's limited with money.

Okay, I understand that. We're all limited with money in some way. The the expense of a gift is not the issue. if gifts is their love language. I'll give you an example.

A man said to me, I knew my wife's language was uh Gifts.

So when I was taking a walk, I saw a bird feather. And I picked it up and brushed it off. and took it home. And when I got home, I said to my wife, honey, when I was walking this morning, I found this bird feather. And I want to give it to you.

because it reminded me that you are the wind beneath my wings. And she said, Oh, honey, that is so sweet. It didn't cost him a penny. It's just he had to keep in mind Her language is gifts. And so all the while he kept his eyes open for things that might be meaningful to her.

See, that's a sentimental gift. It didn't cost anything. but it's a sentimental gift. And for some people, that's the kind of gift that they want, sentimental gifts. But again, you have to operate within your budget.

I'm not encouraging people to go out and put huge amounts of money on a credit card to buy a gift just because your spouse's language is gifts. No. You don't have to spend a lot of money. its thoughtful gifts. And if you don't know what would be helpful to her or what kind of gifts she would like, you might just ask, Honey, why don't you make me a list of the kind of gifts that would be meaningful to you?

And now if she says, well, if I have to tell you, then I'm not going you say, honey, I'm dumb, okay? I'm dumb. I can't read your mind. Or if she has a sister that you know, You might ask her sister, you know, what do you think would be meaningful to her? Her her language is gifts, and I'm trying to learn how to speak that language.

So somebody that knows her well and in her family, they probably have some ideas of the kind of things that would be meaningful to her. I just think you have to first of all decide This is her language, and with the help of God, I'm going to learn how to speak that language because I love her. And I want her to feel my love.

So I'm going to learn how to speak her language. That's the first step. You have to have that resolve. Then you can learn how to do it. That happened to be over Christmas last month.

I was angsting over getting Andrea, you know, what I just show her that I know her, that I see her, because that's what you're talking about. You see the other person, you know her well. And she kept saying, I like gift cards. Get me a gift card. And she told me exactly the place where she liked to get a gift card from.

But to me, it's like that's just giving up. That's not a gift card is not doing anything. That's not showing me you that I know you. And then it dawned on me that what I was trying to do was make myself feel better. I want to give her the gift that gets the reaction that, you know, oh, she's, and I didn't think of this.

And how'd you come up with, you know, it's like, that was more about me than it was about her. She told me what she wanted. She told me she wanted the gift card.

So I got the gift card. And you know what happened? She lit up. She said, I can't. I see how much it was.

And, you know, I'm going to have so much fun with that. It's like, why has it taken me so long? But you're right, Chris. It was your concern about yourself. You wanted to do something that you would get real accolades for.

Exactly. It was about me, it wasn't about her. Oh, I hope that helps somebody, because it took me a long time to figure that out.

Okay, we are down to the number one question that you get when Dr. Gary Chapman goes out and speaks. The number one question is, I read your book on "The 5 Love Languages" , but my spouse will not read it and doesn't want to talk about it. What am I supposed to do? Do what God does.

Speak His love language, even though He's not speaking yours. You know, God loved us and sent Christ to die for us. I mentioned this earlier when we did not love Him. and his love eventually drew us to give our lives to him. And so even though he won't read the book, He doesn't want to talk about the concept.

You've tried to figure out what his love language is. And he won't take the quiz, most likely, but in reading the book, you begin to figure out, and here are three clues. You ask yourself, What does he request most often? What does he request most often? If he's asking you, how does this look?

You know, does this look okay on me? He's asking for words. And if he says, honey, could you make my coffee for me? Or he's asking for acts of service. What does he request most often?

And number two, what does he complain about most often? What does he complain about? If he says, I just feel like we don't spend any time together any more. He's complaining he's not getting quality time.

So what does he request? What does he complain about? and then observe his behavior. How does he typically express love to other people. What do you see him or hear him doing?

If you hear him giving people positive words on the phone or in other conversations and all, Then very likely what he is Doing for others is what he wants to receive. Or if he's always giving gifts to people. Most likely, receiving gifts is his language. Not always, but but most likely. You put those three things together.

You can pretty well figure out his primary love language, and I would say then you commit yourself with God's help to start speaking that language. and do it on a regular basis and see what begins to happen. But because he is now receiving love in the most meaningful way to him, And his love tank, I call his love tank, is full. He's going to be drawn to you because you're the one that's filling his love take.

So even if he doesn't understand the concept, He may begin to say to you, Honey, what could I do that would be helpful to you? He may not call it love, but he'll start asking you questions. What can he do for you? And now you know that your love has gotten through because he's now reciprocating, he's responding to your love. To me, that's the best approach you could take.

Mm-hmm. I think we have just heard.

Some really deep things, not only what Carolyn wrote to you, but just ideas in this last hour. That will really help those who are listening. And that featured resource that we have for you: the new book by Gary and the Parrots: The Love Language That Matters Most. How to personalize love so they really feel it. You can find it at buildingrelationships.us.

Go to buildingrelationships.us and let me give you the number. If you heard something today that has changed your marriage or the way you look at your spouse, some relationship, Call us 866-424-GARY. Leave a message for Dr. Chapman. We'd love to hear from you.

1-866-424-GARY. And next week, love isn't about finding the right person. It's about becoming the right person. Hear how to become a student of love in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing.

Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening. Love Moody Radio?

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