Dear Gary | December

My love language could be hidden because I have a lot of trauma. The only thing that you recommended was that they buy your book. I would love to teach this to my family. How do I do this? I feel like love is more complicated than that.

Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, our final broadcast of 2025 as we take calls and questions about marriage, parenting, singles, and the love languages. And remember, if you'd like to ask Dr. Chapman a question in the new year, our number is 1-866-424-GARY.

That's 1-866-424-4279. Our featured resource at buildingrelationships.us is a practical little book that, Gary, you put together with Randy Southern. It's titled 52 Uncommon Dates. A couple's adventure guide for praying, playing, and staying together. I like that.

Just go to buildingrelationships.us to find out more. And I'm looking at the calendar turning over here, Gary, to 2026. This might be a resource that could reignite the spark in a marriage. What do you think? Yeah, I think it's an excellent book to be thinking about because, you know, we need to do some things differently.

We get into ruts, you know, even in our dating times. And so the reader is going to find some ideas here. I'll guarantee you some of them you've never thought about. And I think to just to say, hey, with the new year, at least once a month, let's try something different. Let's do a date night in a different way.

So yeah, I think this book's going to be very helpful to couples who want to just keep things alive, you know, rather than just getting into routines.

Well, and that of a couple that does that, not just one of them, you know, the husband always taking the lead here or the wife always taking the lead, but together, hey, this month let's do this or this week, let's do this. You see the other person interested in that relationship and it changes the dynamic, doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think, you know, one spouse may be interested in what particular date the other one would think, ooh, I don't know if I want to do that.

But if they're interested, one of the aspects of love is you're just trying to reach out and minister to the person. If it's going to be meaningful to them, let's do it. We had Andrew Osenga on last week, and he said that quietness, you know, kind of solitude, staying quiet is something that he's been doing more of.

Now, we can't do that here on the radio, or they kick us out the door, but you know, just being quiet together. Or the other thing he said was, you know, when he drops his daughter off at school, he goes to this lake and he walks around the lake just about every day before he starts. Just taking a walk together, that's a positive thing to do, isn't it? Absolutely. And some couples take walks on a regular basis.

Others haven't taken a walk in two years.

So, well, we have it linked. If you go to buildingrelationships.us, 52 Uncommon Dates, a Couples Adventure Guide for Praying, Playing, and Staying Together. Go to buildingrelationships.us. All right, for this last program of the year, we have some calls for you, Gary. And I'm going to start with a question from a listener that I will read to protect the identity of said caller.

He says, Gary, I've been having difficulty with my wife. It's a communication thing. She shuts down when she gets mad and stonewalls. Her love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. Mine is the primary is words of affirmation.

but when she gets angry, she just won't talk about it. It's driving a rift between us and I can't figure out what's going on. I wonder if I've messed up my relationship with her and that it might not be able to be repaired. What would you say to her?

Well, first of all, I would identify with the pain, the struggle. Many couples can identify with things like this. The other thing the first thing I would say, or the second thing I would say, is, I don't think there are any marriages that can't be repaired.

Okay. I have hope for people.

Sometimes I say in my office, I can understand that you have no hope.

So what about this? Would you be willing to go on my hope for a while? Because I have hope for you. If you're willing to go on my hope, then I'll meet with you and we'll see what can happen.

So, you know, but I understand how you can think, oh, maybe this is never going to work out. Communication or lack of communication or poor communication is one of the most common problems in marriage relationships. And yet, it's the one most important things in developing a healthy relationship.

So I think perhaps if you could maybe start by saying to her not when she's not angry. Honey. You know I know that when you get angry you just you stop talking. But could you tell me, now that you're not angry today, Could you tell me like one of the things that I do or fail to do? That simulates anger inside of you?

What what what communicates anger? Because I'd really like to change some things if I can. You know, that kind of conversation, it may be helpful. I mean, she may be able to come out and share with you some things that stimulate anger inside of her. Maybe she grew up in a home where there was always anger and yelling and screaming at each other.

And so in her heart, in her mind, she thought, I'm never going to do that. If I'm angry, I'm going to stop talking. I'm not going to yell and scream back. Maybe there are things in her past to say, you know, what do you think led you to the place where you feel when you get angry that you just stop talking and won't talk about it? Was there something in your childhood?

Was it like that? Those kind of questions can stimulate perhaps positive confirmation. Those kind of questions can stimulate positive communication, but if you don't find those to help, then I would suggest that you say to her, Funny. Would you be willing to go with me for counseling? I love you, and I feel like I think you love me, but you know, our communication is just not working well.

And I know a lot of other people have struggles.

So would you be willing to go with me for counseling? and just see what we can find out about ourselves, coming to understand ourselves better and then understand each other better. Because if you can't work it out yourselves, you need a third party who can help both of you, as I just said, understand yourselves better and why you are the way you are and then understand how to communicate in a more positive way. And I think a lot of men will hear that, maybe women as well, but men will hear that and say, well, if I can't figure it out myself, then there's something wrong with me and I'm not worthy. Or, you know, they'll interpret it that way.

But I think seeking counsel from others, and especially a counselor who can sit down with you, that is a really strong thing to realize: hey, I can't do this on my own. I need a little bit of help here. You wouldn't treat your car that way. I mean, unless you're a mechanic, you know, you'd say, I can't get this thing to work. Can you help me here?

And the mechanic helps you. It's like their expertise. Why wouldn't you do that with your relationships? That might turn the light on for somebody, don't you think? Absolutely, Chris.

I like that illustration. You know, if you have a physical pain, How long are you going to sit there in pain before you go see a doctor? And so you have an emotional pain, emotional struggle, communication struggle. How many years are you going to sit there with that going on without reaching out to somebody for whom that's their expertise? They're there to help you.

And I'm glad that today more people are open to counseling than 50 years ago. Because sometimes people earlier thought, well, it's not a good sign if you have to go see a counselor.

Well, the reality, it's a sign of maturity when you are willing to go see a counselor. You realize we're not doing well with this. Let's get some help from somebody who's trained to help people learn how to understand themselves and understand each other. Our featured resource is 52 Uncommon Dates, a couple's adventure guide for praying, playing, and staying together. Just go to buildingrelationships.us.

Gary, here's a question about the love languages I don't think I've ever heard, and it has to do with determining if this really is your love language or if it's something that's influenced by a life situation. Here's our next caller. Hi, Gary. I've read your Five Languages of Love. And It really hit home.

I've recommended it to a lot of people. It also helped me learn to love all six of my children. But the question I have, I've been pondering over love languages in If mine's being met. How it should be met. if my love language really is my love language.

I know you said that there is one primary love language. Anna. Right now, mine seems to be acts of service, which could be helping me around the house. We have a lot of kids. But I think I've noticed something and I have a question.

Could that possibly not be my love language? And could it possibly be? A cover of my love language. My love language could be hidden because I have a lot of trauma from my life growing up. And one of my things I've noticed is I like a clean house because I wanted better for my children.

I didn't grow up in a very nice Household.

So With keeping it clean, it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing that for my children. Could that just be trauma? Could the love language that I'm seeking just be trauma? Because the older I get, I realize that. I get My Hence.

So I'm learning more about myself and trauma and I've also noticed that I don't need things as clean as I used to.

So I'm wondering, and I'm more lenient about it.

So I'm and some days I am, and some days I'm not.

So I'm wondering if the love language that I think I have is just actually part of trauma. And I need to dig deeper to find my actual love language because there are other things other languages of Love Debt. Um really Make me feel Good as well. A deep four.

So that is my question. Thank you.

Well, I think trauma in childhood Could Impact. What we feel would be our primary love language. And what she's saying is that because she grew up in a home that was not very clean and orderly and all of that, that there was this thing inside of her that wanted to create a different environment for her children. And that makes sense, you know. And so consequently, she assumed that acts of service was her primary language.

I would say if you haven't taken the quiz recently, I would take that free quiz at fivelovelanguages.com again. And see if a different love language seems to pop to the top when you take that quiz. Because sometimes if we just read the book, and come to the conclusion that, well, this is my primary language. without taking the quiz. Uh you may s be surprised that another love language may uh may really be your primary language.

Listen. Acts of service is always wonderful for anybody. but especially a mother who has a lot of children.

Okay? And so even if you might have had another love language, acts of service when you have a bunch of children at home may still be very, very important to you. But you may have a primary, that may be a secondary love language.

So I would explore that. Even if you took the quiz earlier, I'd say take the quiz again and just as honestly as you can, choose your response to the quiz and see what it says. Uh because uh people have asked me, can your love language change? And I've said, well, I think it kind of tends to stay with you for a lifetime. But yes, I think there are circumstances in life and there are situations in life in which or seasons in life in which another love language may jump to the top.

And acts of service is one that typically may jump to the top if you have a mother who has a number of children to deal with.

So I'm glad to see that you're interested in it. You really want to explore it further. And that would be my suggestion is to take that quiz and let's see what the quiz says and then reflect on it yourself. I love how deeply she has been thinking of this, and not just with the love language concept, but thinking about how she wants the trauma that she experienced as a child to stop with her, to not have that, you know, leak on to her children. And that's not common in today's world, that people will stop and look that deeply at their own lives.

You're right, Chris, and I think it's good that she has done that. Because, listen, whatever you've experienced as a childhood. influences you as an adult. It doesn't control you. But it does influence you.

And if we don't reflect and ask ourselves, You know what Happened in my childhood that may have brought me to have the kind of feelings I have about anything.

So looking back on your childhood. is a positive step. in coming to understand yourself better. Because whether we're conscious of it or not conscious of it, we are all influenced by our childhood in a positive way or in a negative way. And understanding that will help you process adult life when you realize, oh, this is where that's coming from.

That's why I respond this way to that particular situation.

Well, and it might inform our first question today about the wife who stonewalled, you know, who got quiet. What did you see growing up? You know, that might play into that. It doesn't always. But great question.

Thank you for your call. If you'd like to call and leave a question for a future Dear Gary broadcast 1-866-424-Gary. 866-424-Gary. And if you go to buildingrelationships.us, we have a lot of great resources for you there, including today's featured resource, 52 on Common Dates: a couple's adventure guide for praying, playing, and staying together. Go to buildingrelationships.us.

We'd love to hear your responses to calls on our Dear Gary broadcast. It's almost like what would you say if you were Dr. Chapman and answering these questions? And this is one of those responses. Hi, Gary.

This is a helpful addition to your answer on the September program. Regarding a mother whose daughter requested Financial funding for a wedding to an unbeliever. She had dated for only two months. The mother could inform her daughter that she would consider funding the wedding after evidence that all the following conditions were met. There must be pastoral counseling.

Regarding the biblical command against being unequally yoked with An unbeliever? There must be comprehensive premarital counseling. Also, the couple must read and discuss several. relevant books. Including what I wish I had known before I got married, your book.

Further, there must be a specified length of time, dating, before the mother would consider funding the wedding.

Well, Chris, I don't remember what I said, but I like her answer. You know, to fund a wedding for a daughter who's only been dating two months and the person she wants to marry is not a believer. I think what the caller has suggested is is a fair thing. You know, because listen, we don't want to help our children do something that we believe is not healthy. And you're marrying an unbeliever?

First of all, the scriptures are pretty clear about that. Even if you were Christians, only having known each other for two months, I would say there needs to be some of these things that she suggested before you would fund a wedding.

Now, of course, you can't keep the daughter from going off and just getting married at a courthouse or something, you know. Or if you try to implement some of these things, the daughter may say, Well, Mom, you're just not letting me be myself and you're not letting me make my decisions, and so I'm just through with you. And so it could be a very divisive thing. You know, the daughter may kind of pull back from even seeing the mother. But I do think if a mother can communicate this in a loving way, To say, you know, honey, I hope you know that I love you very much.

and I want you to have a healthy marriage. But I cannot. with good face. help you get married. when you've only known this person two months.

and were they not a believer in Christ, And so Yes, I'm open to the possibility, and he may become a Christian in the process, you know, but I want you to have counseling, premarital counseling. I want you to work through some books on marriage and reading these books together and discussing them. I want you to have conversations with our pastor. Uh who's who would ma or somebody some pastor who's going to marry you? Because, you know, who knows, the young man may never have been exposed to the gospel.

He grew up in a non-Christian home, and so he's a non-Christian, and he doesn't even know what a Christian is. I think putting some stipulations on it and say, honey, I will certainly be happy to help you financially, but I can't finance something that I believe has the potential of being very detrimental to you. because I've had too many friends who have gone this road and married someone who was not a Christian, someone they hadn't dated very long, and within two years they realized what a serious, serious mistake they made.

So I love you too much to support you to do something that I think would be detrimental to you. I think you put your finger out right there when you said, What's the loving way to do this? Because as I listened to the caller, nothing wrong with what she mentioned there, but it sounded like here's the hurdle, all the hurdles you have to get over. Here's the list of things you have to do in order for me to be pleased with you. And it's like, yeah, but you want to help, but at the same time, you can't control, as you said.

So you can lovingly say, I'm not going to be able to give you this much money. Maybe the first thing is the time commitment. You know, this has got to be six months at least, or whatever it is that you feel would be appropriate. And there have to be some things that you go through rather than just saying, I love him and want to be yoked with him. I want to help you think through this more clearly.

And that's, I think, a loving thing to do. Yeah, absolutely, Chris, because love seeks the best for our children. And so love would not help them do something that we think is detrimental to them. Yeah. If we seek to communicate it in that respect, that it's an act of love, I'm not trying to control you.

It says that I love you too much to help you do something that I think may not be wise for you. And then providing, you know, I'm happy to pay, I'm happy to pay for premarital counseling for you so that both of you are going into this with your eyes open and realizing, you know, where you are, who you are, and how to relate to each other in the future. Because the in-love thing, honey, doesn't last forever. You know, if and if the mother knows this, you know, the in-love thing, all those emotions you have. The average life span's about two years, and you gonna come down off the high.

And that's when a lot of other things are going to be really important. your belief system, things you believe in and right and wrong and all sorts of things. And that's why premarital counseling can help you get ready for marriage. And that's what I want, if you be fully prepared for marriage. And then you you're far more likely to have a good marriage.

You hear the heart right there. That's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships online, buildingrelationships.us. Last program of 2025.

And here is a question about "The 5 Love Languages" as a legacy. A simple question from our next caller. Hi, Gary. My name's Elizabeth. I'm calling from Ohio.

And I would love to be able to work with "The 5 Love Languages" And this to my family. for generations. How do I do this? Thanks.

Well, you know, Chris, we are about to start in a few months. a actual coaching program. Really? Which will train her or anyone else that's interested. in being a certified coach of "The 5 Love Languages" .

Which you can use with your family, but you can also use with friends and others. Uh so this is coming down the road. In fact I think perhaps at fivelovelanguages.com there's already a place that you can sign up and express your interest in it whenever it comes out. I'm not sure what the date's going to be yet, but it will be in the early first several months of 2026.

So I would suggest going there, see if you can find that, and maybe put your name down so that they can contact you when that is ready. But I love what she's doing because in her heart, she's saying, this has been so helpful to me. I want all of my family to understand this, all of my family to participate in this. And of course, many people have, with that concern, have given the book to them, you know, to extended family members, and say, you know, this book has sold 20 million copies. It's got to be good, you know, and it'll help you.

And be sure and take the quiz after you read the book.

So there are other ways, just informal ways that you can help your family members be exposed to "The 5 Love Languages" . But I think the coaching program that's coming up is going to help many, many people who really want to kind of be certified and know how to use this to help other people in this part of their marriage.

So what is it like a third-base coach who tells you to run toward home? What does a coach do? Is it for like a bunch of people in a Sunday school class or is it one-on-one? What's a coach do? No, it's more of a one-on-one, you know, one-on-one.

And there's going to be a textbook for the coach. And there's a new quiz, another book that's going to talk about not only the love languages, but also how the love languages relates to your personality. And then if you discover your primary love language, which of the dialects are really most important to you? Which of the dialects, that is the various ways of speaking that language, are most important to you?

So it's really a good program. And I'm excited about it. Les and Leslie Parrott have teamed up with us and are working on this together.

Some of you know them. They're both counselors and he's a psychologist. Yeah, I'm excited about it. I think it's going to be very helpful.

Okay. Oh. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" .

You can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships at buildingrelationships.us. Plus, find out about our featured resource, 52 Uncommon Dates, a couple's adventure guide for praying, playing, and staying together. Just go to buildingrelationships.us or find us at fivelovelanguages.com. How are you with taking constructive criticism?

Well, for me, it depends on the day, but what about Gary? Here's a caller with an observation. I'm not sure it's fair, but here we go. Hi, Gary. My name is Scott.

I listen to you on Moody Radio, WMBI, Chicago. And um I'm out painting the house. And I heard in your comments to some of the callers that The only thing that you recommended was that they buy your book. Sure.

So there's nothing wrong with that. But what if You instead approach them with.

Well, here's some scriptures you can look at. Concerning Or addressing your problem, whether it be anger or your loved one is not saved, has left you. And the Bible. Point them to the Bible first. I know your books do that.

But if they don't have your books. Point them to the Bible and then say, read these verses. Then Go get my book, 'cause it'll explain to you in depth. what I think those verses say.

So that's just an observation, I agree. That came came to me, okay? And um I I enjoy Moody, and I'm thankful for your ministry. Amen. Thank you.

Bye.

Well, Chris, I'm glad that he called. And I appreciate people who have heard something that I've said or didn't say. And want to share it with me. You know, I don't have any problem with that. Certainly, I believe that what the scriptures say about whatever the topic is.

is the most important thing. The scriptures certainly are far more important than my books, okay? But on the other hand, the books, as he indicated, the books do explain and help you understand how the scriptures apply in your particular situation.

So, I don't remember, of course, the call that he was referring to and what I might have said. I don't think I would have opened up just saying, read my book, unless I was doing it in a jokingly way, you know. But at any rate, I want to affirm that it's always good if you have a feeling about what somebody said, it's okay to express it. You know, the Bible says we're always to be open to other people's ideas and share with us.

So, I've learned a lot of things by constructive criticism through the years.

So, I welcome that call. It almost seems like to me that he may have heard one call or kind of turned the radio on as he said he was painting at the time and doing something else. He heard this thing and he heard you say that, and it sparked something in it. He's like, ah, and that's I do that as well where you come in on kind of the end of the sentence because we've been doing this for 18 years, and I don't remember you saying, you know, just go get my. Book.

But as you just said, that's what he heard.

So if he heard it, there's probably somebody else who felt that way too.

So I'm glad you were able to. Absolutely. And, you know, all of us, we hear things, but what one person hears is not what another person hears. Communication is not as easy as we think it is. That's why person to person is always better.

It also shows the importance of, I think, the power of the written word, of God's word, of the Bible, but also a book is an extension, something that you've written is an extension of yourself. It's like I get to take Gary along with me on the train ride or listening to the audio book of what you're saying. This is something that speaks to me personally, and I can go through it, you know, as slowly or as quickly as I can to bring this information. And that's the power of the written word, isn't it? Absolutely, absolutely, Chris.

You know, the Bible speaks to most issues in some way or another. But in our culture, you know, books can help people understand how that biblical concept applies in their situation and in our culture. And that's why God uses people. You know, He uses some who are pastors, who are preaching the word. He uses counselors who are using the Word of God, but also listening to the emotional place that the person is coming from so that we can communicate to them where they are.

And so we all have different gifts and different talents, and we just want to use them for God to help other people.

Well, if you have some criticism for Gary, you call us right now. 1-866-424-GARY. 866-424-Gary. A question, a comment about the program, or not just criticism, maybe a little bit of encouragement, like our next caller. Hey, Gary, this is Aiden Borntrigger, and I'm from Missouri.

I just wanted to tell you I really love The work you're doing, I love your books, the book called "The 5 Love Languages" . has helped quite a lot of people in this in our community here. And I appreciate you writing that book. And I'm glad that that God is working in you and I'm working through you, so we the people can see God's word better for what is for us.

So Yes, thanks again, Gary. I think you're doing a good job. May God bless you. Yeah. Well, that speaks positively to me, Chris.

That's the other side, isn't it? That's the other side, yeah. And my love language is words of affirmation, so I appreciate that. But I also recognize criticism can be given from an attitude of love as well. You know, and I think that was probably true of the first caller.

But it's always good to know that something we've written has helped people in their relationships. I'm so encouraged. He mentioned "The 5 Love Languages" . You know, when I do marriage conferences, almost every time I do a conference, I'll have more than one come up to me and say, Dr. Jammu, we just wanted to tell you what that book has meant in our marriage.

It literally turned us around. It's been so, so helpful. And that's always encouraging, you know, to an author because, you know, I discovered it in counseling over a period of years. And I know that it helps people. But when you hear people who haven't heard you speak, they've just read the book and they've said, boy, that likes it.

Lights came on, and we realized we were missing each other.

So we took the quiz, we learned each other's language, and it just changed everything.

So it's always encouraging to hear such words. Yeah, I love it. Again, you can call question, comment, encouragement, criticism, 866-424-Gary. Here's a caller who likes the quizzes to help determine the love languages, but he has a follow-up question. Hi Gary, love the Christmas video.

They're really fantastic. Oh yeah, I just have a little question. What is the difference between quality time and gift giving. Because, you know, you can do both at the same time. But how can they be separated like that?

I feel like love is more complicated than that. So I'm just wondering on your answer. Thank you, Gary.

Well, I think quality time doesn't always involve a gift. But it can involve a gift, as the caller is is suggesting. But quality time is giving the other person your undivided attention.

Now normally you do that when you're giving them a gift. You're saying to them happy birthday or whether this is not an occasion at all, I love you and I want to give this to you.

So they have your undivided attention, at least for that moment. But quality time involves much more than giving gifts. Often, and most often, it is spent having quality conversations with each other. where they have your full attention, you are listening to them, you're trying to understand where they're coming from and what they're saying, and they're doing the same for you. They have your undivided attention.

TV is off, computer is down, we're not answering our phone. Our quality time is taking a walk together and talking, or going out to eat and talking. But it's or planting a flower garden together, which you're just talking about the flower garden. But you're giving your full attention to being with them and doing something that they really want you to do.

So gift giving, again, it has to do with giving something. And there's all kinds of dialects within these. There's different kinds of gifts, for example. You know, there's practical gifts, like you're giving them something that will help them in their working in the yard or working in the house. And then there's other gifts that are more spectacular gifts, and there's emotional gifts.

There's all kinds of dialects of gifts. But they are two distinct love languages. They're not the same love language, though there is some interfacing. As I said, when you are giving a gift, for that moment at least, you are giving them your undivided attention.

So in that sense, it is quality time. But they're very distinct. I resonated with something he said, this sentence Love is more complicated than that. And I think the way that I interpret that is a lot of people will take personality tests and these kinds of things. It's like you're fitting me into this mold here, and you know, and you're checking off a list.

I got to do this, this, and this, and this. And now I can say that I love you. And I think behind that is, no, love is more complicated. It really does see the other person and give space to that other person to be able to be known. And because how can you love somebody that you don't really know?

So, what do you say about that complicated love?

Well, I think it is. It is more complicated, to be sure, because however you are expressing your love to another person. In your mind you are loving them. Yeah, I remember a husband who was doing all kinds of things for his wife. He washed the dishes, vacuumed the floors, you know, did most of the cooking, all kinds of things.

And the wife said she didn't feel loved.

Well, he was loving her. In his mind, he was you love people by doing something for them, acts of service. But What made her feel of was quality time. But they never had any conversations together. She could never get him to sit down long enough to talk with her.

He was always doing something.

So, yeah, that's why I think the love language concept has been so helpful to people. It is more complicated than simply expressing love to them in a way that you think they would feel loved, because typically it's the way you feel loved.

So you're doing for them. What would make you feel loved, but that doesn't always resonate with the other person. Here's an idea for a new book for you, Gary. We get these calls every now and then.

Somebody will call and say that you need to write this. Here's our next suggestion. Hi, Gary. I was just calling to make a request. Um, I was hoping that you could write a book.

on "The 5 Love Languages" of friendship, like true friendship. Uh thank you. That's very interesting, Chris, "The 5 Love Languages" of friendship. I've had that suggestion before along the way. I do include this somewhat in the book for single adults, "The 5 Love Languages" for singles.

because I apply it, the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" , to understanding how to love their parents, their siblings, their college roommates, their dating partners, other relationships, some of which would be considered friendships.

So I do deal with it in there a bit. I've never written ones just specifically related to friendships. But I do think that the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" is helpful in any close relationship. It's true in work relationships. We may or may not call the people with whom we work friends yet because there's different levels of friendship, which I deal with in another book that I wrote on cross-cultural friendships.

So there's different levels of friendships. But I do think "The 5 Love Languages" applies in all close human relationships.

So I will give some thought to that. And who knows? Maybe we can do that. Trevor Burrus, Jr.: Jumping off of that then, the thing that I have seen over the years, I've struggled with in my own life, is men who don't have any close friendships. I think it's easier sometimes for women just on the whole, though women have struggled with this specifically, some women have.

But I think as I look at men, there's a lot of guys out there who have no close friendships with other men. What advice would you give to that man who's listening today?

Well, it's very you first of all, I want to say, Chris, it's very true what you just said. I remember I was in a restaurant when I was writing the book on cross-cultural friendships, and there was an African American, a gentleman. He looked like a businessman. He had a suit on. And I just walked up to him and said, excuse me, I'm doing some research on cross-cultural friendships.

Could I ask you a personal question? He said, sure. Could you give me or do you have a a close personal friend of a different race or culture? And he was silent. And then he said, I don't have a close personal friend of my own race.

Hmm.

So what you're saying is absolutely true. There's many men that don't have a close personal friend. And I would just say to them, Ah. I hope that you will not go your entire life. without having a close personal friend.

Where will you develop friendships?

Well, if you go to a church sometimes and in a small group, there's a good chance you're going to meet somebody that will have some commonality with you. And you can at least start off by maybe having lunch together. or eating having breakfast together. But any group, small group at church with other men is a good place to be looking for someone with whom you can begin a relationship. And you don't know whether a given relationship is going to lead to a close personal friendship.

But you have to take a first step. And that is in some context in which the two of you have an opportunity to communicate with each other, to talk with each other, to share ideas with each other, share something about your families with each other. There has to be communication if we're going to have friendships. And so, not all conversations will lead to a friendship, but all friendships begin with a conversation. And I would just really encourage men: if you don't have a close personal friend, ask God.

Lord. You know all the acquaintances that I have. It brings to my mind someone that I might begin to develop a closer relationship with. I have an idea that's a prayer God will answer. And for your heart, as well as that other man's heart, as well.

And I think part of that is just getting a vision for it. It's like, I've lived this way for this long. There's really no hope for going deeper. Or they're scared, you know, they're scared to put their own life out there or ask for help, like we were talking about a little earlier.

So, thank you for answering that question. With a new year, maybe that's a goal for the new year. I'm going to look for a new friend, go start praying for a new friend. Talk to this question before we end here today. How in the world have you and Carolyn stayed married for so long?

It's more than 60 years now, isn't it? 64 years, Chris. Oh. Well, you know, in the early days, Chris, I would have wondered and would not have dreamed that we could have made it this long because we really had a lot of problems. I've talked about those on our program.

I share a lot of those in the books I've written as well. But, you know, I think the real secret is that we both have a deep commitment to God. And so we ask God to give us wisdom to work through all the struggles that we have. And I didn't know anything about love language back in those days, but that concept has been very, very helpful to us as well. You know, my wife's language is acts of service.

And I did the laundry this morning real early before I came to do this program. And she came in. She's not a morning person. I did it early in the morning. And she came in finally for breakfast.

And she said, you are so wonderful. And so I say, well, I'm wonderful in the morning doing this for you. You're wonderful in the afternoon and evening for me when you fix dinner every night. But I think it's that whole idea of the attitude that the Christian lifestyle. is to be based on an attitude of service.

Me serving her, her serving me, and the love language is one part of that service. But it's just having that attitude, you know, that really she knows all she has to do is tell me something she needs done, I'll do it. And I know that any question I have or anything I'd like for her to do, she'll do it.

So it's the keeping the communication open and having an attitude of service. You know, Jesus said about himself, The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve. and to give his life a ransom for others. And the Scriptures also say, Let this attitude be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus. who though he was God, he humbled himself and became a man.

and then he stepped down further to death on a cross. Let this attitude be in you. If we have an attitude of service toward each other, then you're going to have a healthy marriage. I just thought of another answer for that mom. We had the call earlier about two months, and we want to get married.

My hope for you is the subtitle of your book, The Secret to Love That Lasts. I want you to have a love that lasts. That's my goal for you and your marriage. And that's your goal for those who are listening: to cultivate this kind of love that lasts, which is a giving love, right? Absolutely, Chris.

You can't give them an attitude of service. They have to choose that for themselves. But if you choose an attitude of service, And you're asking God every day, show me how I can be your instrument for enriching the life of my husband or my wife. and you just let God bring things to your mind how you can enrich their lives. The Bible says love stimulates love.

We love God because He first loved us.

So you love them when they maybe they're not loving you. But your love is going to touch them deeply and t love tends to stimulate love. And many, many times you're the you have to take the initiative first, and then they respond to the way you're treating them with an attitude of service and love.

Well, we've heard criticism and encouragement and everything in between. And you can ask a question of Dr. Chapman. Here's the number, 1-866-424-Gary. Any question or comment that you have for your relationships, about your relationships, 1-866-4244.

4279. We'd love to hear from you, and perhaps you will hear yourself in the new year. If you go to the website buildingrelationships.us, you'll see the featured resource 52 Uncommon Dates: a couple's adventure guide for praying, playing, and staying together. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, how does the hope of heaven change the way we view death.

Don't miss a conversation with Colleen Chow to start the new year. A big thank you to our hard-working production team Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening and happy new year.

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