Moms and Anger | Amber Lia

If anger is getting in the way of you becoming a good mom, don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

And that's when I shut the door behind me and I leaned against the wall and I just said, Lord, I don't want this to be how I interact with my kids anymore. And so I just asked God in that moment to transform me. And he was faithful. It was a process, but he was faithful.

Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Well, Amber wanted to be a good mom, but frustrations and anger often undermined her mothering. She was triggered by circumstances she couldn't control. And along with her anger, she felt shame and discouragement.

But Amber discovered she's not alone. There are a lot of moms who feel this way. And today we're featuring her book Untriggered. It's a devotional that will help moms who struggle with anger.

You can find out more at buildingrelationships.us. Gary, you've been talking about anger and how to deal with it for a lot of years. Today we get to talk specifically about moms and anger.

Chris, I'm excited about our program today. You know, I've sometimes said I never learned to handle my own anger until I had a teenage son. And you probably remember that story.

I won't go into that now. But no, I think most moms and dads could use some help on handling anger. So I'm excited about our program today and about this book. Amber Leah is a former English teacher, a bestselling author, a certified independent health coach. She and her husband own a production company in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

And they're the parents to four boys ages 8 to 18. You'll find her new book, Untriggered, 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger at the website buildingrelationships.us. Well, Amber, welcome to Building Relationships. Thank you for welcoming me, Dr. Chapman.

I have been looking forward to this day for quite a while. So thank you for inviting me. Well, we're glad you're here. So Chris just gave us some information about you. But why don't you tell us more? Who is Amber Leah? Well, that's a really heavy question in many ways, because I had to think about that.

Who am I? You know, I think I'm a typical mom, actually, that that sort of is very relevant to me in this season of my life. I say that I have a testosterone home, because I have these four boys. And when you have one boy, you know, it can be pretty wild when you add more testosterone to the mix, it just gets louder and a little smellier, but also more and more delightful. So I'm definitely a typical mom dealing with a lot of typical things. But I love to have fun.

I love to play a lot of practical jokes on my boys, and we have a really good time. I definitely would also describe myself as someone who has realized that, you know, the purpose of my life is really to look at all the hardships I faced, my struggles, my challenges, my weaknesses, and also the gifts that God's given me as a way to just grow in my relationship with the Lord. I'm a pretty desperate person. I need the Lord desperately. And he has been there for me time and time again. And he's given me a lot of blessings. I love my home.

We moved from California to Chattanooga three years ago. It's been a big change, but a happy one. And I'm an animal lover. I love the beach. And I'm also really passionate about, you know, just sharing with others the ways that God's working in my life so that maybe I can be an encouragement to somebody else.

Yeah. What inspired you to write this book, Untriggered? Is this from personal experience with your own boys? Or where do you come from?

Sadly, yes, it's from personal experience. You know, I like to say, Hi, I'm Amber Lea and I'm a recovering angry mom. And that's certainly not what I wanted my description to be or part of my story, but I've learned to be grateful for it because it's through my triggers and my weaknesses and my parenting that God has brought me into a really meaningful relationship with himself and then actually helped me ultimately, I think, be a better mom. And so for me, I was a teacher for many years and I taught middle school and high school.

And I thought, you know what? I have a really good command of myself, self-controlled in the classroom. I had a lot of fun with my students. We had a good relationship. I never really lost my cool.

I know that sometimes teachers do and I certainly had my moments, but pretty in charge of things in my classroom. And I thought, well, when I'm a mom someday, which is what I longed to be, I'm going to be a great mom and it'll be very similar to this teaching experience. And then I actually had kids and I had colicky kids and teenagers who didn't want to follow my instructions. And I realized, you know what?

This is not what I thought it would be. And I began to be triggered and I began to struggle with frustration. And I think one of my biggest heartbreaks was that I swore to myself I would not be that mom. I was going to change things because I had grown up in a fairly tumultuous home life and I wanted it to be different. So I was really disappointed in myself that I wasn't living up to being the mom that I had dreamed that I would be.

Yeah. Well, what was the defining moment that led you to want to address this topic? I remember really vividly that one day my husband had left for work and he was, you know, smelled good, looked good. He was in his suit and he went off to work and I shut the door behind me. We were living in a small town at that time.

We had moved away from family and friends and I had three little boys at that time, ages four and under. And I was a pretty organized person, I would say. I liked things to be neat and tidy. And I looked around my living room and my house and it was clean, but it was really messy. And it just, I just slumped against the door. I was in my pajamas, you know, in great contrast to how nice my husband looked.

And his work clothes. And I just thought, I am not who I want to be. I felt myself getting frustrated and angry at the needs, the normal needs of my children. I was lonely. I didn't appreciate what I had fully at that time.

I loved my kids and I loved my life, but I didn't love how I felt in the middle of that. And I remember snapping at my kids and being frustrated at the house and then there was a knock on the door. And I froze because I thought, I hope nobody has looked through our window or overheard me snapping. And I opened the door and thankfully it was my neighbor down the road. He was an older gentleman. And I thought, OK, maybe he didn't hear me. He wears hearing aids.

Maybe they're not on. And so there was like a moment of relief. Maybe he did not witness what he could have just now. And so I spoke with him briefly.

He was returning something that he borrowed from us. And that's when I shut the door behind me and I leaned against the wall. And I just said, Lord, I don't I don't want this to be how I interact with my kids anymore. This is not how I want to feel. And this isn't life to the full.

And I know that it has to do with me. And so I just asked God in that moment to transform me. And he was faithful. It was a process, but he was faithful.

But that was really my turning point. Yeah. It's always good to cry out to God. Right. No matter what the situation.

Because he wants to help us. Absolutely. Yeah. Now, for those of our listeners who don't know what being triggered is, can you explain that term triggered?

Yes. So a trigger is really any kind of stimulus that causes an emotional response. It could be a person, a circumstance. And I have come to see that there are both internal and external triggers. And for me, the things that were triggering me were triggering me toward an emotional response of anger. And for me to really be faced with so many triggers at once also created a lot of overwhelm. And so triggers can be, you know, the messy house.

It can be the lack of sleep. It can be our child talking back to us or disobeying or sibling rivalry. These are a lot of really common things that a lot of parents would say are their biggest triggers.

And I was right there with them. Those were the things that were setting me off and causing this very usually quick response that was both frustrated. It would cause me to yell, to snap, to feel powerless, very powerful in my emotion, but powerless in what to do about it.

I think a lot of our listeners can identify with that. They may not have used the word triggered, but they do know that those kind of things often set them off, you know, and they erupt in anger. Let me ask you this. Is there ever a time when anger is justified in parenting? And if so, how do you know the difference between righteous anger and maybe destructive frustration?

Yes. And, you know, I know Dr. Chapman, having read your book on anger, that you understand this full well. That, you know, the anger is really a reflection of God.

You know, we're made in his image. We know that God experienced righteous anger. Jesus became angry at times. And so anger isn't necessarily a problem if it's righteous anger. But there is a difference between righteous anger and unrighteous anger. And I was confused about that for a long time because I thought, well, isn't it OK if my child is blatantly disobeying me to feel frustrated about that, to be angry about that? And the answer is yes, that that can be righteous anger, but sometimes it becomes problematic when we misdirect that anger. So I began to study personally on that day when my neighbor left the house and I began to plead with God to help me. I decided I would sit down in my chair during my boy's 15 minute nap time.

It wasn't a lot, but it was 15 minutes. And instead of doing something productive or just having some peace and quiet, I started looking at what does the Bible say about anger? And I realized that my anger was often being misdirected toward my child instead of toward my enemy, which is Satan. You know, everything that is sinful in the world has its root in Satan. And that is when we yield to temptation and we give in that we can go down this path of unrighteous anger. And for me, that often looked like snapping at my kid instead of looking at them with compassion and saying, oh, you know, how sad that they are rebelling against me, that their life is not going to go well for them if they continue on that path of disobedience and instead to look at them with empathy and compassion and really to direct that anger toward our enemy where it's like, you know what, Satan, you are my enemy. My frustration, my anger is toward you. That's where the enmity is that it talks about in Genesis between man and our enemy, Satan. And so it's really taking all that anger and going, you know what, this sin in the world is wrong. There is a problem that we're facing, this sin problem. But I don't need to direct that anger toward my child.

I need to direct it toward the true enemy, the enemy that is the enemy of our souls. And so when I understood that, it gave me peace about the anger and frustration I felt and also gave me freedom to offer more grace to my child and to give them a sense of empathy and understanding and their struggle so I could help them. Does anger sometimes lead to physical abuse that when parents physically abuse children and then later regret that? And what do we do in that situation?

Yes. You know, those are some of the saddest conversations that I have. My heart breaks for children and for parents that are in a situation that is bordering on or becomes abusive. And, you know, both physical and verbal abuse is wrong and needs to be dealt with, I think, very intentionally and quickly.

There is a lot of harm that can come with wounding our children in these ways, and it's simply not acceptable. And so while I deal with a lot of sort of the non-abusive anger and triggers and how we can navigate through that to become more like Christ and to have a more peaceful home and more gentle parenting practices, I always tell people, please seek out help in those situations. It's very important that we get control of ourselves before we try to control anybody else. And I think that is what God wants all along, is that whenever we are triggered that we are really looking internally and first doing the work between us and the Lord to heal and to become more like him before we deal with any other outside circumstances or even our children. And so getting that control of ourselves and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us and change us and to heal us first is critical.

But oftentimes we need some help and assistance from our church, from counseling and other resources so that we're not in an abusive situation. You know, I've had some parents say you should never apologize to your children, but I think you would agree with me that when you abuse your children, lash out in anger or physical abuse, either one, we need to apologize to them. And people would say, well, you apologize, they'll lose respect. And I say, no, they gain respect. They already know that what you did was wrong.

Yeah, I've seen that over and over and over again with my own kids. You know, Colossians 3, 13 says, you know, make allowance for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. You know, we're called to be forgiving and we want to model that for our kids. And so it starts with us actually even asking for forgiveness of our children if we've wronged them. And they are, you know, they're children of God, too. God made them in his image just because they're our child doesn't eliminate our responsibility to them as a brother or sister in Christ even to go to them and to ask for forgiveness. And that brings a lot of healing.

Yeah, absolutely. Is part of your desire to help a mom understand the love of God the Father for her so that she can show that love to her children? I think that actually that's where it started with me, Dr. Chapman, is I didn't fully appreciate and recognize God's relationship to me.

Me as his daughter, he is my Heavenly Father, and because I didn't at that time when I was a young mom fully appreciate that relationship that I had with God that he wanted to have with me as my father, it was difficult for me to then pass that on to my kids. And so one of the most freeing verses that was so helpful to me in that season when I was studying about this is Romans 2.4, and it just says, Do you not realize that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance? In Jeremiah 31.3, it talks about how he draws us with loving kindness. There is a time and a place for correction, for loving correction, but so often I would sin against the Lord, I would do something wrong, and he was so patient with me. Just that long suffering, compassion, the knowledge that he is my provider, he is my protector, that he is my guide, that he loves me unconditionally, and that he draws me from a place of patience and grace and loving kindness.

It's not always this stern correction. There's so many times when I could hear God calling to me and whispering to my heart, and I didn't necessarily experience a consequence immediately. And so when I realized that, it caused me to want to be like that with my own children. So I hope that moms will first receive that from their Heavenly Father, and then they can emulate that towards their children too.

You write this in the book, Our anger draws us closer to sanctification instead of being used against us as a temptation to sin. So can moms refrain their triggers in a way that leads to spiritual growth rather than guilt for doing wrong? I sure hope so, because if not, we're just a mess, because every single day there's going to be an opportunity to be triggered and offended when you're a parent.

If these triggers of these circumstances don't make us better, then it can feel pretty hopeless. And so I have found that our triggers are really both signals and opportunities. So when my child is, for example, talking back to me, or they're always late getting out the door, that's, first of all, a signal to me that they're still a kid.

They're still immature. They need my help and my guidance, my coaching, my training, my compassion toward them in those moments to help them grow. And then it's also an opportunity, both for me and for my child, it's an opportunity for me to really emulate the Holy Spirit in that moment, the fruit of the Spirit, to be patient, to be kind even when I'm triggered. And then it's an opportunity for my child to grow and to learn. And so it just takes a lot of intentionality to start to think differently about these triggers. This isn't just an opportunity for me to blow my lid and to lose my cool and to be exasperated because we can get to a place, Dr. Chapman, where—and this was me for too long—where I just perpetually lived exasperated.

I kind of mastered the huff and puff. I was just always exasperated. And so for the Lord to come alongside me and to change my mindset and my view that these triggers are opportunities, Amber. These are opportunities for you to grow, to show up in a different way and to help your child instead of being victimized by it and to taking it personally and making it about me.

Yeah. And you also say, one of the greatest kindnesses we can do for our children is to shield them from our storms instead of showering them in our stress and our anxiety. Expand upon that. You know, I hate to say it, but one of the other things that would often trigger me had nothing to do with my kids. It was often my own adult brand of storms and issues. You know, as parents, we bear financial responsibility. We have busy schedules. We have other relationships that sometimes are weighing on us, and it can be really easy to turn those storms and those stresses and put that on our kids and to take it out on them. And that's very confusing for a child as well. And it doesn't feel good.

It doesn't do anybody any good. I realized that time and time again. And so I began to recognize that this is also an opportunity for me to mature instead of having my own tantrum and taking it out on my kids. I wanted to shield them from my own stress and my own triggers that had nothing to do with them. And again, that's why it's so critical that I became disciplined in having my time with the Lord on a regular basis to be in a spirit of prayer throughout my day. Lord, take away this stress. I just opened the mail.

I got a bill I wasn't expecting. I feel the cortisol level rise in my system, and I have to then take some deep breaths. I have to get clear and remind myself of what is true, that God is my provider, and then I need to still turn to my child and treat them in a way that is peace-filled and gentle and not bring that storm and that stress into the relationship that I have with them. What are some practical steps for moms to be honest about their struggles? They're not denying that they have the emotion of anger, but guard their children from the weight of those emotions.

What are some practical steps they can take? You know, one thing that I did, Dr. Chapman, is I started just kind of researching a little bit, like, what are the developmental norms of my children? Because sometimes I have one child that is very mature for his age, and sometimes I would forget that he's still kind of little and that I needed to have a little bit more age-appropriate interactions with him. And so for me, part of it is just being a little more educated on what's normal for a three-year-old to grasp, you know? And sometimes we underserve them because we're maybe babying them a little bit when they could handle a little bit more maturity. So that just as a foundation I think is helpful that all parents do.

And you can even do a quick, like, just internet search and find out, you know, what are some typical things that a child this age could handle? So that sort of guides what would be appropriate for me to communicate with my kids in the right way. So that is one thing that I think is a good idea.

But then also we can say things without saying things. We can say, you know what? Mommy is struggling right now, and so I need to go on a walk. Would you like to go on a little walk with me? I know that the fresh air will do good. Oxygen will help my brain, and we'll have an opportunity to get some sunshine and take a minute so, you know, Mommy's nervous system can calm down a little bit. And so they know that I'm struggling. They know that not maybe everything's not perfect, but I also am in control and that there is hope and there's things that we can do to help. With my older kids, it may be even in the heat of the moment saying to them, look, I actually don't know how to handle the situation I'm in right now. I'm starting to feel upset over our conversation. I don't like the way we're talking to each other. So I need to take a break, and I'd like to revisit this with you this evening when we have a little bit more time. So it's just being communicative in a way that's appropriate. We don't have to give them all the details of everything we're thinking, but we can let them know that, yes, we struggle, and then there's things that we can do to help us handle it in a way that's going to be appropriate. I like the idea you're sharing in terms of talking to the child about where you are and what's going on, and let's take a walk. Let's take a break together.

Let's go do something differently. But that takes some self-awareness, Gary and Amber. You have to know that that's going on. A lot of times when that's going on in my heart, I don't connect that up. So that takes some work, doesn't it?

It does. So one of my favorite things to practice is the holy pause, I like to call it. I got to just take a holy pause. I had to first get into this place where I was like, I need to pause what I'm doing and what I'm saying in this situation right now and go to a place of, I want to be holy, not heated in this moment. So I need to take a holy pause so that things don't get too heated.

And my kids, I would be honest with them about that. I would say, you know, I need to take a little break myself right now because I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt your feelings, and I want to be wise in the way that I'm talking to you. And I don't feel like that right now, but I know that the Lord will help me. So I'm going to take a little pause. Again, maybe that's taking a walk or just stopping the conversation or, you know, going to let's, you know, let's go in here and let's make some lunch together first before we continue this conversation. So for me, the first step is just becoming really practiced in that little small habit of taking a break. Not everything has to be resolved right this moment.

That was very helpful for me to realize too. I'm kind of a go-getter. I like things to be finished. I want to figure this out and move on with my life.

And I've had to learn to slow down and to give myself that time to have that holy pause before things get too heated. This is the Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman podcast. He's the author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" .

Amber Lea is our guest. She's written the practical book, Untriggered, 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger. Find out more at fivelovelanguages.com.

Again, go to fivelovelanguages.com. Well, Amber, your book is Untriggered, and it's really a daily devotional book. And on day 18, you encourage moms to make room for their kids' faults and daily offenses.

How do you do that? Well, you know, I was so easily offended when I was a younger mom and really took things very personally. And I found a lot of hope when I realized that my kids are being kids. They are going to say things that hurt my feelings. They are going to disobey me. They have a sin nature, just like I do. And so, the Bible tells us to make room for faults.

The Bible tells us that love covers a multitude of sins. And the Bible talks a lot about forgiving others. And I recognized that I could do that really well with the person on the road that cut me off. I could try to be calm about that. I could be very polite to the person in line that just walked right in front of me and decided to ignore that I was in the line.

I could be polite to those people. But if my child did something to offend me behind closed doors, I could be very quick to being angry. And so, I recognize that my children deserve me to treat them with kindness all the time. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to deal with their offenses in an appropriate way. But when we get to a place where we feel like we're just triggered all the time and we're caught in a cycle, it's very easy to become hardened. And so, it's important to kind of feel the emotions come up, but not to become someone who's constantly hardened and defended. And so, I want to make room for my kids' faults. I want to make room for that. And again, when we start thinking about them as opportunities, like, okay, it's like a coach.

A coach sees their player or their athlete and their musician. And they'll say, okay, here's where they're at. Here's where their weaknesses are.

What can I do to help them grow in this area? They're not going to be perfect. They're not going to show up at the concert on day one.

They're not going to perform at the, you know, championship the first week into the coaching session, right? There's going to be a period of time where we allow them to grow and to develop. And our kids are the same way.

You know, childhood is 18 years or more. And so, we're going to be in this for the long haul. And so, let's make room for the offenses. Let's make room for them to be kids. And let's be willing to not take it so personally and to love them through it. Wouldn't that be wonderful if everybody treated us like that? That's all I want to be treated. So, I want to be able to pass that on to my kids.

Yeah, absolutely. Can you share a real-life example of how extending grace to our children in those moments helps create a more peaceful and untriggered relationship? I'll give you an example from this morning. Our kids are supposed to be at the breakfast table at a certain time. And we have some time together for breakfast. We, you know, go over the day's events and what we're going to do. We have some time to read a little scripture and prayer. And before anybody starts comparing themselves, please don't do that. We didn't do that for a long time.

We're in a season now where we can do that together. And it's really beautiful. But one of my kiddos was struggling with some deep emotions. And rightly so. But he was behaving in a way that was not appropriate. And so, he himself was getting angry. He was telling me, no, I'm not going to do X, Y, or Z. And so, I had to take a deep breath and just say, okay, in this moment right now, he's fighting the emotion.

And we don't have a lot of time to figure this out because we've got to get to school and do all the things. And so, I took that holy pause, took a breath. And I just said to him, I said, son, you know, what I can see now, even though I don't love the way you're talking to me, I know that ultimately you're feeling a lot of emotions and I know that you're hurting. And I just want you to know I care about that and that I love you. And when you want to talk to me later on, when you can express yourself in a way that will help us both communicate more clearly, then I'm here for you. And so, just giving him that grace for him to know, I see what's going on beneath the way you're talking to me. I'm going to look beyond the immediate conversation to his heart and see that he's struggling. And what he needed in that moment was my compassion. And so, offering that to him allowed him to send me a text message a little bit later. Mom, I'm sorry about that. Thank you for understanding. I'm okay and I love you and I'll talk to you more about it later. And I was like, okay, buddy, that's great. So, those are the things we have to get better at practicing, I think, trigger by trigger. Good example.

I like it. Now, a lot of people with anger problems don't know they have an anger problem. Talk to the spouse or friend who sees what the mom can't see about themselves. What are they supposed to do to help? You know, I would always start with prayer. I know that sounds kind of cliche, but I really believe in the power of prayer.

You know, asking God to be the Holy Spirit as he rightly is as opposed to me. I don't want to talk to my spouse. And I think oftentimes it is our spouse where maybe we think our husband or our wife is a little bit too hard on our kids or they're struggling with, you know, yelling at our children. Maybe we feel like the discipline is a little bit too harsh or inappropriate.

And I think that there's two things at play. First of all, praying, asking God for the right time to talk with them about it and to soften your spouse or your friend's heart. I would be very, very committed to that for a period of time until I felt like this is a good opportunity. And then I always say, you know, ask your spouse in this case, we'll say, to set aside a little bit of time to have coffee with you or to go out and talk about parenting. And I always like to couch it in a way that this is me. I'm starting to see that when I'm triggered or that when I'm anxious or when I'm frustrated with our kids, I can lean toward being a bit harsh and say I would love for the two of us to work together.

Because I feel like sometimes when I'm triggered that I'm being unrighteously angry and I don't want that. Here's what I would love for our family to actually model. I would love for us to find a way where we keep our cool and we're kind when we talk to our kids. Or I would love to focus on creating more peace in our home.

Could you help me with that? And what do you think would be a good way for us to do that? And really listening to them and collaborating together, not like a you've got an angry anger problem. You're always yelling at the kids.

It needs to stop. Like, that's probably not going to get us very far. But when you come at it together, even with a friend, you know, I want to work on this with my kids. Would you like to join me in this?

What are some ways you think we can do this together? And sort of lovingly approaching it that way I think is really, really helpful. But then also, whenever our spouse is struggling with anger, I think that there is an underlying issue. Sometimes it's like, hey, you know, I just noticed that we're both a little bit on edge with our kids, with the kids lately.

I just want to know, are you okay? Because oftentimes, anger is just the outward manifestation of a deeper root issue that's going on. Like, what's really going on under there? Maybe they're just feeling really, really maxed out at work. And there's a lot of extra stress. And now I have an opportunity to get to the root of that with my spouse, and to help them in that situation. And then a lot of times the anger issues will resolve, because we're talking about the deeper issue.

That's really the main reason why they're struggling with anger. I like that idea, rather than criticizing them for, you know, raising your voice or yelling at the kids, but asking, you know, how can we help? What can we do?

What can I do? You know, what can I do that would make more peace in our family? Because if you open up like that, chances are your spouse will be asking you that same question. Maybe not at that moment, but a little further down the road.

So great idea. You know, there are a lot of moms who wrestle with guilt about, you know, snapping, losing their temper with their kids. What would you say to the mom who feels that she's, I'm just failing. I'm just failing as a mom because I just keep on doing this.

What would you say to her? It is important, I think, to confess to the Lord when we know we've sinned, right? When we've been unrighteously angry. And I think it starts with that. You know, the Bible talks a lot about that there's healing when we confess our sin.

And so that's where it needed to start with me. All those years ago, when I recognized my own anger issues, I had to go to a close friend and my spouse and say, look, I'm struggling with this. Nobody wants to confess this. Nobody wants anybody else to know. I didn't. I didn't want anybody to know that I was struggling with this.

But I recognized that trying to navigate it on my own wasn't working very well. And the minute that I owned it and acknowledged it and asked for trusted people to pray for me and to hold me a little bit accountable, I found a lot of freedom in that. And I felt a lot of peace.

And so that was sort of the starting point for me. But I have found that even when you begin to work on your triggers and you make a lot of progress in the way that you're parenting your kids and you start to adopt more biblical approaches, the enemy, he's a jerk. Like he's going to constantly come at us and start to whisper in our ears that it's too late or look at how much damage you've done. He wants us to always be focused on the things that we are not doing because he is our accuser. And, you know, Jesus is not our accuser.

He is our savior and our redeemer. And so, you know, we talked earlier about just being intentional to take that holy pause, right? Like to be aware of our triggers and to start making some changes in the way that we speak or behave. This is one of those areas, too, where we stop and we start to take things, our thoughts captive. I like to ask myself, you know, does this thought right now, this guilt inducing thought sound more like an enemy or a friend? And if it sounds like an enemy would say that to me, like, oh, Amber, it's too late. Look, there you go again. You said you were going to be kinder and you just snapped at him again.

You're never going to get over this. That's not what Jesus would say to me. My enemy would say that to me, though. And so I need to silence that. And instead, what does what is the truth? How can I take those thoughts captive and make them obedient unto Christ? Because he tells me that I'm forgiven. You know, he tells me that my sins are as far as the east is from the west and that he remembers them no more. And so I get to now take a deep breath, rest in the grace of God and keep extending that to my kids. So it's never too late to start afresh and to receive God's grace and to put those thoughts in a place that are going to be filtered through God's truth and to move forward in freedom.

Amber, talk to the mom listening who really wants the change. What can she do when she feels the anger rising inside? OK, so one of the things that really helped me a lot when I would start to get angry is I would remind myself that I don't need to address all the things that are frustrating me right now. Because when I looked at my triggers, I realized there were a lot of things that were setting me off and that began to feel a bit hopeless. And when you're hopeless, it sort of drains your energy and causes you to feel like I'm never going to change. And so I just encourage moms and dads to think about maybe what are the two or three triggers that are the ones that are most frequent for you or most difficult for you, most pressing in your family at this time.

And then I would just get pretty practical about it. So let's say that one of my triggers is that my boys are always fighting with each other over who gets to watch TV or go outside and ride the one bike that we have and they can't ever share it. Whatever it may be. Maybe it's my teenager that is always arguing over who gets to sleep in the guest room with the sleepover, with the friends. Whatever the case may be, I have to then look at that certain trigger and be like, okay, I know that this is the thing that's problematic for us the most, the sibling rivalry issue. And so then I have to just ask myself, when is this usually happening?

Like what are the circumstances surrounding it? And then make a better plan. So we often say things we regret because we haven't figured out what to say that's going to breathe life into our kids.

And so if we figure out what we mean to say before we say something mean, we're going to mitigate a lot of that guilt that we feel. So I put a better plan in place. All right, I know that when the kids come home from school, they always argue over who gets to sit on the couch in this spot. So maybe I just practically need to ask the boys, hey, it's not working for me that this is always an issue between the two of you.

I would like your help. So involve the kids. I would like your help to know what could we do about this? Like how do you think we can make this a piece filled time instead of always arguing over it? I don't always want to supply them with the answers and the solutions because I think that when they come up with a lot of the solutions for themselves, that helps them grow in maturity. It helps them work together, which is the opposite of the strife they're feeling in the sibling rivalry and then put that plan in place.

And I just get to be the guide and help them put it in place and to help oversee it with them if they need some help in deciding what to do. I'm ready and willing to come up with my own solutions for them and to help them with that. But putting that plan in place, maybe all these other triggers over here, like the fact that we're late for school all the time in the house is messy. Those are still there, but I want to work on this sibling rivalry issue first and collaborate with them and come up with a plan and help them address it one by one. So I think that when we get creative about ways that we can practically involve our kids in solutions, that that goes a long way toward change. And that also frees me up to not have to figure everything out myself.

Yeah, makes a lot of sense. On day 25 in the book, you talk about personality differences between moms and their children and how they can create tension. So how can a mom use these personality differences to connect rather than to be in conflict with their child? You know, I have four boys and they are so different from each other. There are many instances for butting heads because not only are they different from each other, but there's one that's a lot like me and then there's three that are not. And so it's just kind of natural human nature that when someone's a lot like you that you just gel. You know, if you both love a peace and quiet and you've got some symmetry there, it's really easy to get along.

But when you have another child that's really boisterous and always the center of attention, it can grate on you. So I think it's really important that we first of all recognize that God is the potter and we are the clay. God shaped our kids and formed them just as they are. And their personality differences, their strengths, even their strong willedness is really a gift from God.

It's part of how he's shaped them. And my role is not to squash it or to try to shape it differently because I'm not the potter. I'm the guide. I'm the loving hands and feet of Jesus to them. And so one thing I like to do is, first of all, begin to celebrate our differences. So one way I do that practically is I and I know you know this because sometimes kids are words of affirmation. Sometimes there's different ways that they feel loved and acknowledged, but celebrating them in a way that makes them feel seen and heard for their uniqueness.

And so maybe it's verbally telling them. We have actually a group chat via text message for all of our family members. And whenever one of two of my boys, they just really love praise.

Whenever they do something well, I put it in there in the group chat for everybody to see. I love this about you so and so. You know, hey, Oliver, that was a great way of handling your schoolwork yesterday.

I just wanted you to know I really appreciated your maturity in that. So really celebrating their differences, celebrating them in general helps us to not be so offended by or, you know, even just graded against with the ways that they may be different. Learning to see their strengths, even if they are different from us. And just again, recognizing that God is shaping them. He's the potter.

I don't need to change them. You know, the Internet and social media have made many moms feel less than other moms, of course. I talk to the mom who constantly compares herself or her kids to others.

This is a problem for a long time for many of us as women and then especially when it comes to parenting. And I think a lot of us know by now that there are a lot of highlights and positive things that are being shared on social media that we don't always see behind the curtain. I mean, my neighbor did when he came and knocked on my door.

You know, that day he got close enough proximity to to witness some of the reality of what was going on in my life. But oftentimes, you know, we are making those comparisons and it's causing us to feel less than. And so I like to say, again, let's flip the mindset and the way that we think about this. I think it's really important to look at something that maybe comes across as an ideal and be happy for them.

In fact, that's one of the things that I use as offsetting the trigger with my own kids. It's like they're going shopping for a birthday gift for somebody else. They want it for themselves.

Oh, my friend gets this and I don't. There's that comparison. It's like, no, you know, when we go to the store today, we're actually going to be happy for our friend. This is an opportunity for us to celebrate them that this is their turn. Isn't that wonderful?

And so I go now towards social media with I'm so glad that this family gets to travel like they do and that they have the freedom to do that and to expose their children to all of these wonderful experiences. But God has me in this place and this is how I get to parent my children and just knowing that God doesn't make mistakes. You know, I think the enemy wants us to be discontent, to think that others have it better than us or somebody's doing better than us. And there's just no healthy mindset involved in that. So to just focus on this is where God has me. I'm going to celebrate others instead of comparing. That's a discipline that we have to fall into in our mind. And then just being thankful for what we have.

Great idea. Amber, I know you're a health coach and you work with moms who are trying to get in shape as well as struggle with anger. Is there a parallel between those two things? You know, Chris, there really is, because so much of what we eat and drink affects us in our physiology. Like I will just confess that I was hooked on sugar. You know, I would often, instead of dealing with my triggers in those early years of parenting, I just needed a quick soothing.

And so I would go to sugar. And unfortunately, that led to me being obese over the stretch of about seven years. I just slowly started gaining physical weight because I wasn't giving the weight of my cares and concerns fully to the Lord when I was triggered. And so those two things kind of paralleled simultaneously my anger issues and then the physical toll that it was taking on my body. And so not only did I turn to refined sugars, which caused a lot of turmoil within my body because I was having cortisol. There was all of this dopamine cortisol loop. And it became very frustrating for me that I wasn't really dealing with the root issues.

I was just trying to do this temporary soothing. And so then I felt guilty over my eating habits and that became a trigger. And so when God got me onto a path of where I finally could no longer ignore my health issues because I was dealing with disease. And I knew that if I didn't make a change, the trajectory of my health was going to also impact my parenting and my ability to be the mom I wanted to be. I got really serious about it. I ended up losing 95 pounds.

And that was seven years ago. And it was so profound when I began to see the connection between eating healthy, getting off sugar and how that calmed my nervous system. And it allowed me to be more emotionally present with my children. I realized that a lot of my eating habits were actually exacerbating the range of emotions I was feeling and feeling triggered.

And so that's one of the underlying root causes that I really want moms to take care of themselves. It's a way to also nurture ourselves and to honor God with our bodies. There's always blessings that follow obedience. And so obeying the Lord in that way to not make food that idol in my life anymore, that comfort when that place belonged with Jesus was life changing for me. And so it's been a joy to then go on and really turn that into a ministry as well. Well, Amber, thanks for writing this book. Thanks for being with us today on the program. I know that a lot of our listeners are going to want to read it because I think it offers a lot of practical help.

And let's face it, almost everyone could stand a little improvement on managing our anger. So again, thanks for being with us today. Thank you, Dr. Chapman. I'm so appreciative of you and all of your wisdom that you share.

And that has blessed my life over the years. And I hope that your listeners are encouraged by our conversation today. Once again, our featured resource is Untriggered 60 Days of Transformation for Moms Who Struggle with Anger, written by Amber Lea, L-I-A. And we have it linked at the website, buildingrelationships.us. Just go to buildingrelationships.us. And next week, more encouragement for moms who feel like they've failed their kids. Hear Hallie die in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Backing. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening. Download today.