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Jimmy is, we always love having Jimmy on. It's been a while and I got, according to my sources, I should take it personal. There is a reason. You've been here and you've walked by our studio hoping, hoping I wouldn't see you.
Is any of this true? My knees hurt from crawling past your window. Because, you know, I have one rectangle window. I love doing your show and I just, it's this, this Gutfeld show has been keeping me really busy. Killing you. It's the guts.
How did he book you? Like, is it three times a month? Is it, what do you? Lately it's been once a week.
Once a week. Yeah. And now that he's back, has he changed? He seems like he's in a really good mood. We were kind of talking about this before we came on, but I feel like there's this, when you have a baby, suddenly work no longer seems like work.
It seems like the easiest thing in the world. And so I do sense this. I think he's wanted a baby for a long time. I sense like a happiness from him, which is very, very, very strange.
And, uh, but he seems like he seems good. See, this reminds me of something. I always think that somehow life is reminiscent of, well, do you watch all the Rockies? Did you watch all of them? I believe so.
Okay. I don't want to spoil it, but he won, right? Not the first one.
Not the, okay. Uh, and he didn't win all the fights. He didn't? Because Rocky III, he loses his title. He's got to fight it back, which brings me to Rocky III.
Apparently I've not seen all the Rockies, right? Yeah. So remember Mr. T?
Sure. Mr. T is supposed to be Sonny Liston, in my view, because President, because, uh, Sylvester Stallone is such a student of boxing, and Sonny Liston was this madman criminal hanging out with mobsters. But when he got in the ring, he was an animal. Scared the hell, like Tyson did, only bigger than Tyson.
Yeah. Scared the hell out of all his opponents. He knocked down the heavyweight champion, Floyd Patterson, like five times, uh, to take the title. And it reminded me of, uh, Cus D'Amato actually was the trainer of Floyd Patterson, says you're never going to fight Liston. Because he knew if you fight Liston, you're going to go down. Right.
This is going to make sense soon. So what happens is Liston becomes champion and becomes susceptible to a guy like Cassius Clay, Muhammad Ali. Right. And he sometimes gets civilized and becomes, you know, loved hanging out, loved going on the shows. He got, stopped being this ferocious.
Yeah. So this brings me to Mr. T playing his character. Mr. T is coming from the hood, coming in, and he just takes out Rocky. Rocky comes face, he can't keep up, just like Floyd Patterson, can't keep up with the power of Liston. Can't keep up with the power of Mr. T in the movie. So then Mr. T becomes champion, starts doing the talk shows, starts getting mellow. And then the fact that Stallone had to change his style and become more of a dancer is a side of the point.
Are you worried that Gutfeld's going to become civilized like a Mr. T when he became champion and lose that comedic edge? Wow. I was just watching you, just in awe. I forgot about your fighting knowledge, first of all. I love boxing, yeah.
That is very impressive. But I'm not worried. I think that there is a, in all seriousness, I think there's always like this weird thing where comedians and entertainers sometimes worry about having kids. They go, it's going to be harder to, you know, write my jokes and get my work done. And in every single case I've ever seen, the person gets better. Right. They get better.
Like, Gaffigan lives off his five kids. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's a big, hey, speaking of fighting, did you watch Tyson, Jake Paul? Biggest joke, I am still angry about it. I was very upset. I think a lot of men, like my, I don't know if we're similar ages, but I think he was fighting for us.
Like when I saw Tyson fighting and then he was slow, but did you think it would, because I felt like when I was watching him, I go, if he wins, maybe I still got a shot. Right. No.
Was it fake? Do you think they were the number one for a comedian, especially you're in very good shape. People should know because they should watch on the app, but if they're not with your only listening. Gotcha. But you're in very good shape.
If they're just listening, I have an eight pack. Right. And if they're seeing it, you're denying. You're saying Tyson didn't try. Didn't try. Wow. I'm telling you, you could watch back and you see him pull back before hitting. That guy could, he could knock out Jake Paul at 60 or 50, 80, whatever he is right now. Why do you think he did not do that?
I have no idea. I think his knee was bothering him. Whatever I do is, it was totally, we were totally duped. I think they're totally, totally duped.
That sucks. Cause I was, I was, that was the most recent fight I was excited to watch was that fight. Like kids around, like we're all watching it and there's so much in there. And now that we've watched it, there's so many better match-ups that I would have rather seen. Like what about, you know, somebody from the cast of The View versus Treadmill, you know, something like that.
That would have been good. You know? No, that's excellent. And a couple of things going on.
Have you noticed, have you noticed that, that Mike Tyson, excuse me, not Mike Tyson, but it's very similar. Donald Trump is saying some different things lately. Like he is promising to buy Greenland and he's not backing off. Here it is.
Cut 27. Team just got back from Greenland. What's the price tag?
Well, maybe no price tag. You know, look, we're going to have to see what happens because Denmark, we need this for national security. We need Greenland very badly. You look at the Russian ships, the China ships, they're all over the place. They're, you know, surrounding that they have for a long time.
That's a lane. But we need that for national security. So I don't know that Denmark has any right title and interest and we're going to find that.
But I can tell you, you saw the clips that were released. The people of Greenland would love to become a state of the United States of America. So Jamie, I don't know if you have much Greenland material that you have, but you actually have roots in Alaska, which was called Seward's Folly. That's right. Because the Secretary of State, former governor of New York, bought it and everyone's like, what are you doing with Alaska? Thank goodness Russia would have been in our backyard.
That's right. So could this be, you know, Trump's Folly, which ends up being a slice of brilliance? What's your take?
I think it might be a slice of brilliance. I did a show in Greenland. You did not. I did a military tour with Rob Schneider and we did the base in Greenland. What is it like? It was wild. I think it might be the smallest military base. I remember them telling us it was the only one that didn't have a fence around it because nobody's coming. And it was wild.
But I get what he's saying. Did it feel like a different planet almost? It felt like a different planet.
And I felt so much, I don't even know what the word is, but so much gratefulness for the men and women in Greenland. After we went to Japan, it was awesome. And that little shop they get to buy all their stuff from, it's like a mall in Japan. The PX, I think it's called.
The PX, you got it. Yeah, and in Greenland, it's like there's one pair of gloves, like a Slim Jim. And they share it.
It's very small. They can't bring their families. They're out there just serving their country by themselves because they can't. You know, some of the bases they can bring spouses and kids. This is one where you go up there for a year, two years, you're on your own.
I've never had people more excited to see us. Really? And you have a family.
Yeah. And you're including your family. Including them.
Yeah, including dogs. These guys are excited. The Confederate was asked about Greenland. Can we ask you what you hope to get out of your visit to Mar-a-Lago to talk to Donald Trump? What are we talking about here? Is there some news? There's some news. We hear that you're going to be heading down to Mar-a-Lago. Yeah, I've heard that.
Yes, I've heard that, yeah. What will you be discussing with the president? Well, yeah. I demand that I need to be made pope of Greenland. Do you have the resume to be pope?
I'm having a conversation. Like, he's the president. So I just thought he is funny, he's sarcastic, and no one can handle it. Like, they don't expect it from a senator who's 6'7 with a hoodie wearing shorts in the winter. I do have a deep respect for someone that does not follow a dress code.
Like, even in the situations he's been in where he's worn that hoodie, there's something about it that I really like that he just doesn't care. I think it's hysterical. And he's trolling people now. He's like, why can't I go to Mar-a-Lago?
It's nice, the president's there, I want to be pope of Greenland. And the thing that's also interesting is that he had a, oh, stroke. So the guy was supposed to die, people say. He was not able to talk a little while ago, needed a special machine to interpret English. So this is pretty miraculous. Why don't you do more Fetterman stuff? It's a huge comeback for Fetterman. Yeah, I don't do a lot of Fetterman stuff. Fetterman's a journey we've been on with Fetterman.
Right. He was just on Rogan, I don't know if you heard that. I'm slowly becoming a fan.
Was he good? I have a deep respect, this is one of my problems with Kamala, is that they come in and they only tell you the scripted stuff. Just like we saw with, I forgot our name already, the California mayor that had nothing to say when she got off the plane from Ghana. Brian, can you imagine? So that's my respect for Fetterman is that he'll have a three hour conversation.
That's not cultivated and filtered and everything. She got in from Ghana just briefly, and if you missed the clip, the reporter asking her question after question after question, she doesn't respond for two minutes. Do you know the flight from Ghana? Do you know it's 17 and a half hours? Yes. Can you imagine you're on a flight for 17 and a half, and not for one second you go, I wonder if they're going to ask me something about the fire when I'm out.
That's destroying my state and my city. Yeah, you could watch Dune II seven times and still have an hour to prepare for the fire question. Or one Judd Apatow movie. Right.
And look for the laughs. Yeah. So that's a great point, Jamie. And I think that's right.
If you my humble opinion, it's ready for the stage if it hasn't been used there. I appreciate even even if you missed the first 17 hours of the flight as you were landing amidst the flames at LAX and they attacked her. The reporter was like crushing her. He did a brilliant job at LAX. Can we play some of it?
Do you have some of the flight into LAX? Even when a reporter doesn't attack you is horrible. Right. Right.
Imagine landing. I know. But here's here's the thing.
You're talented. You know, you look at you know, they belong in politics. I look at DeSantis. The guy is OK as a campaigner, but fantastic as a chief executive. Yeah. There's no way that Trump shouldn't be in front of the camera talking to people selling things. He's got a charm to him.
I don't care if you agree with AOC. He's got it, too. Yep. She has nothing.
Karen Bass has nothing. Here is the exchange that correspondent Jamie Lissau has just referred to. Do you owe citizens an apology for being absent while their homes were burning? Do you regret cutting the fire department budget by millions of dollars, Madam Mayor? Have you nothing to say today? Have you absolutely nothing to say to the citizens today? Elon Musk says that you're utterly incompetent. Are you considering your position? Madam Mayor, have you absolutely nothing to say to the citizens today who are dealing with this disaster? No apology for them? Do you think you should have been visiting Ghana?
He's got nothing. Can I correct myself? Yeah. I said attack. I don't mean in a negative.
I thought he was aggressively asking really important questions. Right. So not, I just mean like from her point of view, it probably felt like she got off the plane and someone was in her face. Right. But yeah, she was just frozen. No, no. We know what you meant. But here's the thing. If you are a politician, you want those answers. I always thought when you're in controversy, people say don't softball it because it looks like you're complicit. That's right.
Go right at him. Oh, let me just tell you about cutting the budget. The budget did X, Y, and Z.
It didn't cut anything with firefighters. And what I did is I added things here. So all of a sudden the guy's like, okay, she's ready to go. She, I guess, had a bunch of answers prepared, but she thought they were going to say like, how was your trip? Right. And by the way, always think in Los Angeles, if you're mayor, I got to spend some time in Ghana.
Yeah, you always got to really get your feet on the ground in Ghana. That's why no one wants a job. And by the way, the problem was they were screening her to be vice president. Yes. And they did this thing called Google, and it turns out she spends G-O-O, you're writing it down, G-O-O-G-L-E. And they found out that she goes to Cuba all the time, hangs out with the Castro brothers and Julio Cesar Chavez. I think she was basically a pallbearer on the communist death. So like that's her background check. Not good. Why don't you be mayor of L.A.? The best part of the other clip that's going around the Internet is where she tells the victims of the fires, if you need help, just go to U-R-L. Did you see that?
Yes. It's all over the Internet. The website, they must have not put it in in time.
And because she's not a human being that can ad lib, she just reads to everybody. She goes, hey, just for help, go to U-R-L. Brian, I went to U-R-L. There's nothing there.
I went to W-W-W. There was nothing there. Yeah, I don't know why.
I actually went on a date with her once and she gave me her phone number, but it was just a piece of paper that said phone number. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Back in a moment. Hi.
Good night, everybody. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50 percent, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha-ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are.
Visit Shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. I'm Nikki Glaser, and I am absolutely thrilled to be your host tonight. Thank you. Now, some of you may know me as a standup comedian and from my appearances on Roast, but I am not here to roast you tonight. I want you to know that. And how could I, really? You're all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you could really do anything.
I mean, except tell the country who to vote for. But it's okay. You'll get up next time, if there is one.
I'm scared. Ariana, hold my finger. So Nikki Glaser doing standup and a little bit of a roast, not like the other roasts that have been in the past. But I thought she was good. You thought she was good? I love Nikki Glaser. Do you know her? Yeah, I do know her. Nikki Glaser, quick aside, I don't drink alcohol. Did you at one point? And I did quite a bit.
Had a little bit of trouble quitting. And one night, while almost completely blacked out, I messaged Nikki Glaser. Because me and her used to drink together all the time, and then I would see her.
I saw her, just this incredible ascension and success. And I was like, there's no way she drinks anymore. But when I saw her, she was like me, like we would just party. And so I messaged her and I go like, how did you quit drinking?
Like, what did you do? And the next morning she was like, it's so crazy, but I read this book. And I quit drinking when I finished reading the book. It's like this book by this guy, Alan Carr. It's called The Easy Way to Quit Drinking. It's like a cognitive behavioral therapy. And it's, you know, it's like an alternative to whatever.
Alcoholics Anonymous, if you don't feel like that's something that they have a problem with. And she sent me the book. And I read it and I haven't drank in seven years.
It's that good? Well, you just help people right now. I had to do it. If I ever hear Nikki Glaser or drinking, I have to do that. Because it totally changed my life and it was the easiest. Even if you don't have like a problem drinking, you get a lot more done.
If you're not kind of partying. And I finished this book and it wasn't... Alan Carr. Never thought about it again. Alan Carr. He does smoking too.
He started as a smoking guy. It's all cognitive behavioral therapy. And this is going to help everyone at Fox because we all as a company drink too much. I'm going to buy everybody the book. If you don't mind. Yeah. So before, I have one more thing.
She did some of her jokes that she did at Howard Stern that didn't make the cup. But I want to make sure to get your plugs in because you're going to be in New Jersey, Newark, New Jersey, January 25th. You're going to be in Poughkeepsie, New York, January 24th. Chicago, Illinois, January 19th.
And Rosemont, Illinois, January 17th to 18th. Which is interesting the way I chose to read it. Yeah. It goes backwards. That was wild.
Yeah, it's kind of weird. Are you going to continue on with dates I've already performed? If you don't mind.
Don't blame me if it's still empty. And then Buffalo, January 11th. Oh, January 11th. Yep. Maybe I just assume people are taking notes.
That's fine. Right? And just filling up their calendar one by one. So here's a little here's some of the jokes that didn't make her monologue. You know, it's such an incredible honor to be here at the Golden Globes, Hollywood's seventh most important night. The Golden Globes is the only show where you can see the biggest stars in movies and television joined together with the same goal. Getting out of here tonight before Dax Shepard asked them to do his podcast.
This is the last time all of you will be in the same room together until the Diddy trial. So at one point in the show, I go, oh, look, it's two time Holocaust survivor Adrian Brody because he's been in two Holocaust films. Yes.
And I said, you know, if Adrian Brody could go back in time, he would thank baby Hitler for his career. So I like them. Yeah, she's a pro.
She's the nicest person in the world too. You don't do anything on prompter, obviously, in clubs. Do you think those were on prompter or jokes?
Or do you think that throws you off if you're used to trusting yourself? You know what? I wonder if she did what I did when I I've done two specials where they go, you can have a prompter. But as a comedian, if it's every word, that's very bizarre. Like, if it's like a you want to say, what do you want to say?
I did a set list. OK. And so it's so it was like Adrian Brody looked up. So then she could sort of glance up and then do the joke herself.
I think a word for word prompter would be super hard to to follow along. What do you think? What do you think Colbert has? What do you think that Jimmy Kimmel?
Do you think they have word to word? I think Colbert has a screen which is a sad face. I don't even know what happened. It's a guy with a sense of humor that I know what is going on, what is going on. It's the same old argument.
But it's just so crazy that I mean, we probably talked about this last time. It's one of my just how Carson used to make fun of everybody and how just how politics. And it's not even a hidden agenda, Brian. It's a agenda. Oh, yeah.
It's not even on his hat that it's just become like that. And I don't get it because we I think the reason people kind of like I've gotten like some good response from Gutfeld is because we really do go joke forward often. I certainly do. I go for the joke first. And the Tonight Show, for goodness sake, is not even on Fox News or MSNBC. It's on one of the major networks. And they are joke like third. It's speak to your echo chamber. They're already voting for her anyway. Right. Or talk to people that don't want to hear it, that aren't going to change their mind because you're just a dumb comedian. I mean, you guys you guys were there first.
I do think it's going to be interesting to see that they realize. I think Jimmy Fallon's the first. It really doesn't live off.
He really doesn't live off of Trump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My opinion. But, you know, hey, Jimmy, would you come on One Nation Saturday night at nine o'clock? I would love to because I didn't know what time it started. I just had a lapse. Thanks, Jimmy.
