Comedian Zarna Garg: As a culture, Indians don't believe in happiness

I really thought when my kid goes to college, I will call the college up and I will say, comp sci one, comp sci two, go.

She wants to have some fun. I understand that. Give her one class in chemistry.

It does not work that way. They're so rude. They'd hang up on me. So I had to call my kid and ask her. I was like, what are you enrolled in? What are you studying?

Are you guys ready for this? Ceramics. $80,000 to learn how to make clay pots. Do you know who else makes clay pots? Villagers in India because they have nothing else to do.

My kid is in Palo Alto, the epicenter of technology, making clay pots. So that's Zona Garg talking about a story that probably everybody at home can relate to because you do have a wide swath of courses to choose from, especially if you're looking to improve your GPA. Zona is one of the most successful comedians in the country. Her comedy special, Zona Garg, One in a Billion premiered on Amazon Video. It just came out last week. So go to, actually this week, May 16th, go to zonagarg.com for more information.

And already you got some good metrics coming out on this Zona, right? Yes, I did. Thank you so much for having me. Great to see you again. So great to be here. And I understand we've talked to your people.

You're going to appear this weekend. Yeah. On One Nation. You're back on Fox. Yes. Yes.

You wanted me and here I am. Right. Fantastic.

And then you're going to just go on the road. Look at how busy you are. Do you know this? May 18th to 20th, the New York Comedy Club in Stanford. You'll be at the West Side Comedy Club in New York City on the 22nd. Boston, Massachusetts, the 26th and 27th.

This is great for the WABC, WRCN listeners. Then over in Atlanta, Georgia, the 23rd and 25th of June, punchline comedy. And then Halifax, Nova Scotia. Now, you know that's not in America. Yes, I do know that's not in America.

Right. And are you okay with Canada? I love Canada. I was just there. I was just in Toronto. I had three sold out theater shows this past weekend in Toronto. And you've only been doing standup for how long? Well, I mean, I didn't hesitate to use the word only. It's been five years.

It's been a long time. That is a no one has that type of timeline to have the type of success you've had. Well, also nobody has as many bills as I have to pay.

The level of desperation is very high. How many kids you have? Three. How many you like? Well, one for sure.

My oldest son will always be my oldest son. Right. You know what I mean?

First. The girl, whatever. She comes and goes. Who knows?

And the little one, we kind of hope he raises himself. Right. That's about it. So where do you get your material? This college, is that a real life swath of a slice of your life? Yeah, everything.

My entire set, one in a billion on Amazon Prime. It all is based in some truth, some reality. And you know, if you have kids in college, I think everybody can relate. We're in a crisis.

Well, I think every parent who's sending a kid to college is stressed out just like me. I don't think I'm the only one. In what way? You miss them? No, no.

We were waiting for them to leave. Not that way. We miss the money that's going with them. Right. 80,000, you said. I mean, that's how much these independent schools are. It's more, not 80 is generous. It's more.

80 is the sticker that they put in the book. You know, that's never the full story. And, and these kids, they go there and they don't know anything. And then they're like, Oh, you could do painting. You could do art. You could do read a book, read a book while you're here.

No, you know what? I have to yell at my kids' concert. If you want to read a book, come back home. If you're going somewhere, like get the computer secrets, like figure out how you're going to be the prime minister, the president, something, because that's what I'm paying for. I'm not paying for anything else. And well, it turns out you are though, because they're picking their courses. Yes. Well, I'm trying.

I mean, you know what I mean? You born in India. I'm born in India. Is there any way to give us an idea of the different cultures of the two countries? Well, who would I five point if I went to India, what would be the biggest thing that would shock me?

What would be the big thing? Like, for example, I don't think most kids who are academically inclined are thinking what will make me happy. That is not a thing. They don't think that is not a thing. Nobody's allowed to think that. And we personally, as a culture, don't really believe much in happiness.

It's not overrated, overrated and simply unattainable. I mean, if you think of the great philosophers, you'll know there is no happiness. The more you know, the more miserable you are because you're like, this is the world we live in. But like, for example, my husband and I, we grew up, it was like you go to college and what's going to get you a job?

How are you going to get a job? That is why you go to college objective. Yeah, we should approach it like a trade school. That should be your objective the whole time.

No. And look, you want to do something, you know, you want to be an artist or something. That's like a side thing in India. Now, I'm not suggesting that nobody should do the arts. I pretty much think the Western kids should like white kids. They want to do arts. They should do arts. They take one for the team, right? This is your thing.

But my people don't appreciate it. Here is more from Zorna. Is this, is this third? This was 35. Zorna, I want to hear you talk about lawyers.

Cut 34. My favorite judge, Judge Judy. Because of her, I went to law school. But I found out after I became a lawyer that you have to be a good lawyer to be appointed a judge. And I was the worst.

I could never be neutral. I would take my own client to the judge and be like, your honor, my client has robbed the liquor store. No, my client has not robbed the liquor store. Even the judge was like, Mrs.

Dark, do you know what a defense attorney does? And I could never keep a poker face. I would be like, but you and I both know he did it. And that was a problem. It was a problem. You know, you don't know how you will be at a job until you finish the schooling and the whole thing. And then if, like me, you wake up one day and you're like, this is actually not what I thought it was going to be and I'm not good at it.

Right. Like, you're stuck. See, in a way, this is me not having gone to law school. I thought at some point in law school, you would have come up with that conclusion. Why didn't you get it along the way? Did you get it along the way?

No, not at all. I was good in law school. Like I had fun. Oh, you're thinking like a lawyer.

It was like so scholarly and all the other words they like to use. But when you get out into the business, all you're doing is filling paper. Ninety nine percent of what lawyers do is filling a paper, another paper, a third paper, a fourth paper.

You don't even really go to court much unless it's a very specific type of law. So all those TV shows that you know about the make it seem exciting. Yeah. That's like five percent of all lawyers out there.

Right. And so it was a big revelation. I was like, I'm not sure this is my calling. Well, I'll tell you this. The other thing is that people say with a sense of humor, do you see things that are going on in the courtroom before you started being a stand up comedian and thought, this is I have to say, were you funny in the courtroom? Did you see these opportunities?

Brian, I kid you not. I used to write so many notices of motions and like all these legal documents and then send them to the opposing side. And I would get emails back and calls like, it was so funny. Your document was so I was like, I'm trying to sue you. Did you read the part where I said I'm going to take all your money?

I'm going to garnish your wages. Yeah. But before that, we laughed out loud. That's great. Now you do talk about Ted Cruz. Yes. Should we hear it? Yeah, sure.

33. But for the rest of us, the brownies really hard to come here. The visa, the paperwork, years of waiting. And you get here and you find out that everybody hates everybody. The Democrats hate the Republicans. The Republicans hate the Democrats. Pro choice, pro life, pro gun, MacBook Pro.

By the time I got my green card, I was like, I'm not so sure about this. The only thing everybody seems to agree on is that everybody hates Ted Cruz. He does.

Well, he's he's very easy to dislike because he's always in the press. Well, you know, I get that. But, you know, you want to know something funny? I had a lot of sold out shows in Texas and that joke killed and killed and I did it as a test.

The first show I was like, let me see how this goes. And I had a few backups prepared like to replace Ted Cruz. And the joke killed. I was like, oh, my God, I think everybody kind of sort of has strong feelings about him. Right.

Even if the people who vote for him are like. See, I'm so involved in it. Obviously, Ted Cruz is always in the news. Are people outside my world know who he is? Clearly. Right. Everybody knows who he is. Because he kills. Yeah.

Right. Killed in Canada. It killed in Canada. Where he actually that's where Trump said he was from. He's that's what I heard he's from. And it killed in Canada.

I was nervous in Canada, too. And it's not I personally have nothing against it. I don't even know much about him and what he does beyond the headlines, which I'm I'm OK to admit. I feel like a lot of people don't want to admit that they don't know much. Right.

But I've learned to just admit it. But even when you're a supporter of his, there's something about him that seems too great. And he's going to go for it. He's up for reelection. He's not going to run for president. Does it astound you? Where does Trump fall in your act?

Because he's the most famous person in the world. Right. By by far. Right. And everyone's going to be no one says, I haven't made my mind up. Yeah.

So how do you handle that anymore? I think when he first ran, there were people who were like, maybe he's got something. He is the change.

Maybe he is the change back the first time he ran. At this point, you're either on his side or you're done. Right. And I can't be on his side for all kinds of reasons that we all may choose to agree or disagree on. I do think that he had something all along and he was trying to make sense.

He was. I believe that. But somewhere along the way, him with his bombastic, you know, attitude and, and just fell off the, like a lot of good things fell off the deep end. Right. In life, there's so many good things, but then you push that good thing to the edge. And now it's not making sense.

You know what's crazy? You're originally from where in India? From Mumbai. From Mumbai. So I know where the president appeared with Modi.

Yeah. The crowd, he got the reception he received. How do you explain? He's very popular. Indian people are not against Trump. They're not against.

Why is that? Because a lot of what the Republicans and the conservatives and Trump stands for, we understand and believe it. A lot of it. And then a lot that has happened since his first election has been like, okay, okay. Even if we believe we don't necessarily agree with how you're doing this and what you're saying. And that, you know, so I think he started with, with a lot of optimism among the Indian people.

And then it kind of got really muddy, at least for me. But it's also paralleling what we have in India. Modi has haters. He does. Yeah.

They're serious haters. And he has his followers that will support him no matter what he does. But didn't some people not like Gandhi? Of course.

And there are people today, there's a whole theory out there that Gandhi was actually a Pakistani sympathizer. And like, there's all kinds of theories. Have you been saying that? You've been saying that. I'm so sick of that. There's other thing you can understand too, because you're involved with all these Hollywood guys.

You mentioned that people you're talking with and you're, have your special out. But I also thought it was interesting that people are always concerned about being canceled, especially in your world. When Dave Chappelle, the top comedian in the country, they spend all the time trying to cancel him. And he refuses to be canceled.

I love it. And guess what? John Cleese, another legend.

Yes. Here's what he said about being canceled. I don't get canceled because I do stage shows. The lovely thing about doing stage shows is that people think to themselves, I like him, so I'll buy a ticket. The audience is pre-selected to like me.

So he's saying you can't cancel me. As long as I can sell out of theater, I got to theater. Do you feel the same way? Not that you're politically incorrect anyway. No, but I can, like, I'm sure there are, you know, any number of opinions about me and my work and it's fine.

Yes. The stage shows are your direct connect with the audience. But in my case, I'm also a digital creator. I have a whole digital life. So people can choose to like me or not, but the people who do understand and appreciate what I do have a direct way to communicate. So I'm not dependent on the gatekeepers and on the tastemakers to spin my words this way or that way. You know, so between the stage shows and my direct, my digital life, I feel like I am. You are your own business. I am my own business. Absolutely. You're not waiting for the phone to ring. No, never. You fire up the iPhone.

I put it on airplane mode. I know when somebody wants me, they're going to find me. Understand. Zona is going to be here for a little while longer. Keep in mind, her special is now out.

It's called Zona Gorg, one in a billion. It premiered in Amazon Video on May 16th. So go download it already on your analytics. You love this, that people are not only watching your promo, they're watching the whole thing. Yes. And that means usually a click through.

Yes. Completion rate is very important in streaming services because you in this business is brutal. You get three seconds. People watch past three seconds. That's a metric. People watch past 15 seconds. That's another metric. People watch it to completion. That's a sign that they're connecting with you.

Right. Like, I'll give you an example. They stop listening to me because they're like, that's where they're behind the glass. They're tired of me. So I walk in, I don't even get three seconds. So you are lucky. Back in a moment, more from Zona and then she's going to preview her appearance on One Nation, Saturday on Fox News.

Listen to the all new Bret Baier podcast featuring common ground in depth talks with lawmakers from opposite sides of the aisle, along with all your Bret Baier favorites, like his all star panel and much more available now at Fox News podcast.com or wherever you get your podcasts. Guns are a problem in America, right? I get asked if guns are legal in India.

Yeah, they're legal, but they're not really dangerous. But the whole country has 15 bullets, which the police has to share. I mean, there's something to be said for living in an impoverished nation. I mean, who can think of a mass shooting when the house is floating away in the monsoon? And here you always find out that the people who commit these atrocities, they were a loner. They were lonely. They were alone. But what Indian is ever alone?

12 people share one heart. Then you find out that the shooter had mental health issues. Mental health? There's no mental health back home.

We still have cholera. That's fantastic. And people love it. Zarna Garg is here. And by the way, it's G A R G when people want to follow you on social media. And it's at Zarna Garg on Twitter. Is it the same thing on Instagram? Everywhere.

All the big platforms. OK. How does this go over with your audience? I mean, does the Indian people get insulted by this, by the fun you're having? Does anyone else go, hey, don't diminish our country? Because to me, it's hysterical.

I don't think so. They know that I'm coming from a place of love. And it's this particular joke that you just played. It's also poking on both directions. It's not just India. It's America, too. You know, it's like here there's guns, there's bullets, like they shower bullets. When you see these war images, the amount of things that are showered, like, you know, the bullets, the missiles. No other country can afford to do anything like that. Like if we had those amount of bullets and guns and missiles, they would be in a museum.

People would be taking photos with them. It would be like, can we do this any other way? Can we kill these people any other way? We should drop donuts on them.

That's what's going to kill them. So in India, could you have you been back since you got famous? I don't. I'm not famous.

So India is a big country. Successful? Success. Yeah, I've been back to do stage. No. Oh, that's what I mean. I would love to see.

No. Would you have to write new material back in India? I would have to edit my set a little bit just for because right now it's very much. I'm an immigrant in America, so I would have to edit the beginning and some of it. But but a lot of it they will love the way it is because they're very exposed to American pop culture. This is a country that's fully exposed.

They unders if they watching friends and Seinfeld in India, as if they're New Yorkers, you got to know Amy Poe or Tina Fey. Yes. What's that like? Amazing. I mean, they're the OGs and they were so incredibly warm and welcoming. I couldn't believe it. Like, I couldn't believe that I was there and I had the honor of opening their first few shows. Fantastic.

Check her out in Stanford, Connecticut, in New York City at the West Side Comedy Club in Boston at left Boston as Punchline Comedy in Atlanta, Georgia and Halifax, Nova Scotia at the Halifax Citadel Garrison grounds ads on a car. Thanks, Ana. Thank you. Thank you, Brian. Listen to the show and free on Fox News Podcast Plus on Apple podcast Amazon music with your prime membership or subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.