Nurturing Your Child's Personality (Part 2 of 2)

Do you feel called to serve God in your career? Check out some of the exciting job opportunities we have at Focus on the Family. We're looking to fill positions in marketing, IT, and marriage counseling. Work with other talented believers. Enjoy a meaningful Christ-centered work environment and use the skills God gave you to encourage others and help families thrive. To learn more, visit focusonthefamily.com slash careers. That's focusonthefamily.com slash careers. God is shaping both you and your child through the dissonance that you experience because your temperament is not the same as your child.

And when you rub them up the wrong way, they still are growing through that and so are you. That's author and speaker Hedy Britz describing the interplay of different personalities in your family and how you can benefit from those. We'll hear more from Hedy today on Focus on the Family. Thanks for joining us.

Your host is Focus President and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller. John, I want to start with scripture that's relevant for our discussion today. 1 Corinthians 12 says this, now there are a variety of gifts but the same Spirit and there are varieties of service but the same Lord and there are a variety of activities but it's the same God who empowers them all in everyone. That's really the essence of what we heard last time from Hedy.

This idea that each one of us have different God-given personalities and perspectives and sometimes those differences will clash but it's ultimately for our good and for the good of God's kingdom. Hedy's done a wonderful job of applying these different personalities to trees so we can better understand the unique characteristics of people and why they behave the way they do. We covered all of that last time and if you missed it get the CD or download from us here at Focus on the Family or get the Focus broadcast app so you can listen that way. And a foundational element of the conversation is the book by Hedy called Growing Kids with Character. It's a wonderful resource for your family and you can learn more when you stop by the episode notes. And now here's part two of our conversation with Hedy Britz on today's episode of Focus on the Family.

Hedy, we do welcome you back. Last time we talked about these characteristics and it's brilliant what you've done. I mean to put these in the context of trees and it really helps a parent better understand who they are and who their children are wired to be. And probably the nugget I pulled out of the program last time is this idea that we have conflict with our children and much of it is going to be rooted in this communication style issue. The parent being built a certain way by God and then the child to be maybe sometimes opposite of that. And so you have conflict when conflict doesn't need to exist really. You just need to understand each other a bit better and for the parent, the adult in the room, to really work that understanding so that they could help shape their children and help develop their character.

Is that a good summary? Absolutely because from that my question as a parent is, so if I know this is my child and these are my child's needs, how many of those needs should I indulge and when should I shape? Because the world out there is not going to say give me your tree type and then I will do everything in a way that makes you happy. And so it's that fine line between shaping them to be able to work in a world with anybody. People who are not like them and who don't accommodate their needs but also to make sure that in my house they know they're loved and welcomed and that I teach in a way that works, that I disciple their heart and that I help them on the route that God has for them because they're all gonna honor God in different ways. We just read about those gifts and those activities that are going to be different with each child but it's they all have in them a seed to be God honoring people, to bring him glory. And it's important to know right from the outset whatever your lumber is, if you pardon the pun, God is in this. I mean that's the brilliance of it, that God is present and it's all about being rooted in his character and developing in his character so that you can be a formidable tool in his hands while we walk this earth and that's what you're getting at.

So let's get to it. Last time we talked about the palm tree which I resonate with, it's kind of the fun loving person who wants to go to the party and interact with people, you get a lot of energy. Usually it shows up in children as you described yesterday as that energetic talkative child which I was and you know that that child just has a real insatiable desire to know things and they're just bugging you sometimes. They're on the go and we want to put them in the box and we want to get them into a routine and it's not really working and actually our best investment it's going to be in in the settling their heart making sure they follow the right moral you know pointers, good friends, good role models and by keeping in mind their purpose because this design is so that they can influence people so that they can draw people into the kingdom so that they can communicate ideas about God and as long as we're nurturing that we're doing our most important job. I could see these being the evangelists. These are the ones that getting engaged with culture.

They'll go to the party, they don't care and they'll talk to people about the Lord and that's a wonderful way to look at it. Then you talked about the rose bush, your self-proclaimed rose bush that's how you describe your parenting style. But that's what?

What's the rose bush? Feisty, forward-looking, fast, wanting stuff to get done. Where's the prickly part? Oh, in the words. We are a bit sharp. To the point. Yes.

I mean this is the child who who tells you you are not being fair, this is what you did yesterday, here are your mistakes, you really should be more of this or be more of that and then they're often right but it hurts. It's the prophetic. When you look at scripture would you say Paul was a rose bush? I think I would see him as a rose bush. Straight shooter, very determined, very brave and when God calls him he says I'm going to show him how much he must suffer for the gospel. If you tell a rose bush kid I'm gonna let you do this but it's gonna be very tough nobody's ever gotten this right they go bring it on.

That's what they want, yes please don't make it. Very often the reason they misbehave is life is too easy. Wow, interesting. I like how you pulled on the scripture to give an illustration of that. Go back to the palm tree because I don't remember the biblical character you said for that. Peter.

Okay. Peter was undisciplined, he ran off his mouth, he spoke as much as all the other apostles put together whenever Jesus asked the question to the disciples he spoke up. Yes, but he needed to be spoken to three times. Jesus asked him three times do you love me and it was because he didn't want this off-the-bat answer he wanted Peter to really engage with his heart but Jesus did it in such a beautiful way he took him to the beach where the palm trees want to be and he made him some fish on the fire and he related with him and then he said are you really with me and then he gave him this beautiful calling to feed the sheep to take care of the lambs because they are about the people that's a beautiful calling and then on the day of Pentecost he brings thousands of people into the kingdom with one great speech and inspired speech because this is what they're able to do. Well what's so beautiful about what you're describing is that our Heavenly Father and you know through the Lord Jesus knows how to communicate to us each of us because Peter is very different from Paul. Paul is saying you're gonna suffer for me and Paul was kind of like okay bring it on. Yeah and when there was a sign of suffering Peter denied Jesus he needed to be coached in a very different way. How fascinating it shows the I think the accuracy of this and how we view ourselves and in our Lord. All right let's move to the boxwood we ended there we gave brief descriptions last time but most of us won't even know what a box wood is so I'm sorry for our ignorance.

I had to go online to see it. But describe boxwood and what are the attributes. Their original name that we used to call them by in the past was lollipop trees because they're these perfectly shaped round trees but they can also be shaped into a triangle or a square or any shape you like. They're topiary.

The elephant in Disneyland. Exactly but they can also be these these hedges around you know the princess gardens and they're incredibly teachable the same way these shrubs are moldable. This is the child who says just tell me the way it needs to be done by when and how many times and they want to do it right. So they have a natural tendency to feel boundaries and to see them and to need them. So when the books tell you children need boundaries and they love boundaries then just keep in mind it's probably a boxwood who wrote the book.

Yes. And who believes this firmly that this applies to all kids because the boxes are kind of square and linear and things need to be just right. But logical like we described the engineer last time we said it's kind of that attribute. So this child does everything right by the book and the parent thinks what's so hard about this why can't everybody else just produce really well behaved kids and because I just did everything right as the book said and then my child sleeps through the night and feeds when it needs to and does everything in church and reads his little book on the you know on the long journey off to the beach and they are easy to parent in that way except they are emotionally eye maintenance. Right so describe that for the parent who is the parent of a boxwood child I mean you have the descriptions are probably you know this is my easiest child this is the one I mean you tell them what to do and he or she does it those would be the kind of descriptors you'll be using as a parent. They do comply but there is this whiny voice that comes with the compliance this is but I just want to do this first and but there's a little spot on my pants I can't wear them but this is not exactly what the teacher said you know there's there's something of a sensitivity there and a discomfort with things not being exactly right so they can be finicky and that goes from all the way from how they eat and what they will wear and how they need things done. This is a child who will be so complied in the next minute you make the biggest mistake you cut their sandwich in squares and it should have been triangles and the day is over. Really so perfectionistic is the other big descriptor.

That is one of the unfortunate tendencies yes the teachers love that. How do you parent to soften that how do and is it appropriate to say okay I recognize my child as a boxwood a perfectionist often easy they'll do exactly what I want them to do and I love that as a parent it makes my day easier but how do you parent them to be less perfectionistic to be comfortable with imperfection. It's very hard if we look at the way God did this in Moses Moses complained to God about the people all the time I mean he had reason.

So Moses was the boxwood. Very much yeah and we see him complaining and stressing and really struggling with the burden of leading the people and God helps him out of this but it takes time and he doesn't go into the promised land he gets to stand in the promised land the first time when Jesus is transfigured on the mount and there's almost something of a boxwood really needing time to get to a place where they can choose grace over law because that essentially is what you're gonna teach. So they're gonna be hard on themselves and hard on others around them because they're not measuring up to perfection. And they need Christ to help them understand what it is to be acceptable even when you are flawed. The phrase good enough is gonna be the one that's gonna be challenging. That's critical I know you know one of my children they really stressed about getting straight A's and I could see the anxiety and I wanted to make sure we want to hold a high standard it's wonderful that you're doing that but you know a B is gonna be okay if if in the relaxation the thought that you really dad is that okay I said well you always want to do your best obviously but I don't want you being anxious and stressing to the point where it's hurting you emotionally or spiritually and it has made a difference I could see that relaxation occur and in a good way in a healthy way and it doesn't mean you know I want mediocre but he is still doing well and getting good enough grades to your point he doesn't have to reach for perfection that's so valuable because you're separating what he does from who he is right and that is what we we can help them do by embracing their deep emotionality and we build relationship with them if we cannot deal with a meltdown we cannot deal with the crime we cannot deal with a whining not in a sense that we we give in when they use it to manipulate but in the sense that we never had a tough day and I really down about it we need to be able to embrace that and say today felt like the worst day of the year so disciplining this child how does that go and what does it look like it's very easy you basically remind them of the rule and they remember that they were wrong and you tell them what they can do next time or even ask them so you know you did wrong what would you like to do next time and that if they can verbalize it you're almost good to go very little punishment is needed they do it them to themselves how do we how do we step on the oxygen hose of this child because I think this child is gonna be very sensitive of all the children types yeah how do we do that as a parent what do we need to be mindful of by punishing them after they've already shown remorse it's not necessary they are guilt and shame magnets so shaming is a very very harmful thing with them they were easily humiliated they remember those words they remember what you were wearing we sometimes jokingly but with a lot of empathy say that they file all of the negative words on the hard drive alphabetically with the date and they can pull those things up anytime and then the good words the kindness the real positive those are the things I stamp as highly suspicious and they put them on you know a thumb drive interesting they don't even trust always believe that oh that's too bad that makes my heart heavy for them actually it is hard and and that is why acceptance and daily reassurance the way God tells us that he loves us and he's reassurance throughout his word is the way we parent this child's heart daily reassurance that they are good enough and that we love them just because they are ours all right we've got the palm tree the rose bush the box wood now and then we need to move into the pine tree so the pine tree I love the imagery of that big bold rooted yes but it can be isolated a little loner bit but people oriented you get the metaphor you can present the courses we will accredit you as a facilitator I love it go for it give us more description yes um when you step into a pine tree forest you feel like you need to settle down have a little picnic there and just breathe and they do this to us and this child will slow you down whether you want to be slowed down or not what does that look like give me an example that is them forgetting that it's Monday and not getting dressed for school and you go how is this possible that you could have gotten distracted on your way to the cupboard but they can just be a little dreamy and they are not in a hurry because to them it's not about getting stuff done it's about being it's the journey it's the people around them it's the impressions and the atmosphere so they help us realize that it is about people and not about stuff when we try and negotiate with them and put rewards on the table you know and deal a little bit they are immune to that because they are so contained so if you tell them but I'll buy you you know a new phone if you'll just study harder and bring home better grades my phone is fine I'm quite okay with a phone now does that work in the opposite direction with discipline if you say listen I'm not gonna let you do any gaming I'm not gonna let you do certain things and they'll go okay yeah and they'll just sit with it they're difficult to do now I've got a combo kid in my mind yes but they do feel the pinch when you take away their relaxation and their comfort zone from them so when you discipline by taking away the time with friends the time in front of their screens their computer games they do they do feel it how do you discipline the pine tree the the one that's moving you know kind of through world at their own pace and they for the 20th time they haven't been able to get dressed for school on time and you're ranting and raving what is your problem Johnny how come you cannot get ready for school how many times I got to tell you at 730 to go get ready and it's 8 o'clock and you're still not ready and mommy can't keep doing this for you I think everybody's getting the feeling making me feel how does mommy be more effective rather than coming back and saying get dressed and fight that battle we need to understand that discipline only works and punishment and reward only work on an area where a child willfully makes a certain decision not to do what you ask them these kids don't decide not to do it they just forget that just doesn't cross their mind so we need to give them strategies so you the alarm clock the chart and and this is a child with big red bow around that particular item you never you know or she never takes to school so it's about strategies and working with them you mentioned hybrids and so again one of the things if you're hearing us say everybody is one thing or the other no there's all these combinations it's infinite how much percentage you work in as a pine tree as a as a box tree as a rose bush you're gonna flow through all of these I would think you're gonna have some preset things that your default mode but speak to the hybrids palm roses box palms pine palms that's gotta be fun sometimes to completely opposite trees come together like a rose who is feisty and fast and a doer and then you have the pine who's a thinker and is an introverted type of kid and and and more people-oriented and when these do come together you have what we call the CEO profile because you have a person who wants to get stuff done but at the same time doesn't want anybody hurt so this child will be not very talkative maybe not very popular but a really good leader because they both know we we should be going and who should be going with us on that route and it's usually a boy we don't often see that doubly unemotional combination get together in a girl that's fascinating now that could be risky saying that in modern culture it can be boys and girls can't be everything but you're saying just generally you see that attribute in boys more than girls and what is it in girls that make them probably the relational side is probably the more emotional side so you'll see a lot of the girls who have the combination of the boxwood who is perfectionistic and systematic and then the outgoing palm tree and when those two come together you have a very intensely emotional kid who can ride the roller coaster depends on which side of the bed they get out you know this morning and they can be high maintenance for a pine tree parent who wants peace and harmony in this child is you know either high or very low right that's heady Brits discussing her book growing kids with character nurturing your child's potential purpose and passion it is our guest today on focus on the family and we hope that you like what you're hearing now if you do contact us to get a copy of her book growing kids with character our number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800 2 3 2 6 4 5 9 or check the episode notes to learn more here now is the conclusion of our conversation with heady Brits on focus on the family hey let me bounce off something John just mentioned 60% of adults and children identify with more than one temperament but you also say 7 to 10 percent of adults and children identify with three types I mean I can that's where I'm at I feel like I can be any of those three you are probably what we call a contra pine which means you have a contra pine contra pine because you have everything except fine yeah and you have bugs with Rose and and palm tree rolled into one so you can make those important decisions you can make sure the people are on board by motivating them oh maybe you're a contra boxwood actually no no no no you're not but you have some of the pine in there that's why family is so important to you because that's what pines are about my important people so yes you're probably a country how much of this is circumstantial in other words how often do the circumstances dictate what part my personality comes out I don't believe the circumstances dictated but I do believe it reveals what is in that innate design it depends on who you are with if there's already a rose bush in the house then you may not show your rose bush side at home maybe your parents really discipline you to be more boxwood at home and it doesn't come out at school because you don't need to show it there the environments gonna probably intensify a certain response but it's already there it's that's your point and I again I loved it if you missed it at the top of the program we talked about Peter and Paul and how the Lord dealt with them out of their own personality I that is one of the great takeaways I've heard today is just even in Scripture you can see how the Lord dealt with the personalities around them and effectively communicated and challenged them in a way that spoke to their heart and that's what we're getting at when it comes to parents and children how to identify what their basic combinations are and then speak to their heart in that way and it's great to see how the Lord did that who is the pine tree character in Scripture Abraham is definitely one so is Jesus mother Mary I know that Mary didn't speak a lot she kept things in her heart and thought about them and mulled them over and she was never a doer she was this facilitator I could see that the confidence she had that things were unfolding just as God designed them you can feel that in her character that's a good point we hear that when she hears God's call on her life she says let it be with me as God wills I'm your servant and that's that willingness we see so beautifully in the pine and Abram is that pine too and we see the relationship he has this close friendship with God God shares his secrets with with Abraham because of that gentle heart and that closeness in relationship heady it we're down to the end here of a wonderful two-day program so thank you for being with us the question I want to ask you at the very end here is focusing on our primary mission as parents and it really is to help grow our children into that growing relationship with Jesus Christ because he's going to do that work in them our work will be imperfect and sometimes counterproductive to what the Holy Spirit is aiming to do and we get that because we don't have a clear view all the time and that's just part of being human but how can we Shepherd and guide those four types in their relationship with God in an effective way just run through those four types when we know our rosebush is wired to lead we need to make sure that they are subjected to God's authority and I practice on us so we should not apologize for being the parent because we want them to submit to God one day as they lead and also to have empathy to listen to others and that is where our energy will go otherwise we will have dictators instead of godly leaders yeah that's the rosebush exactly how about the palm the palm tree is going to take people with them wherever they are going so we need to make sure that they are leading to a place worth going so morally is where we're gonna be doing our work and not always through preaching but a lot through prayer they learn from experience so we're often going to stand by and see how they go off like a prodigal son sometimes hit their head against the wall come back it's not always easy in the later years because they don't always think ahead but we're going to do a lot of prayer and they have beautiful hearts and a beautiful ability to inspire and they're gonna say that that'll go in the right and as you said stay in relationship with all your kids types obviously but that one particularly means that so box would the box with child is a child who's going to be the one who make sure we all stay on the straight and narrow and that's gonna be uncomfortable for us every now and again because they will point out our hypocrisy for us especially for moms and dads yes for sure and but we're gonna teach them God's grace we're gonna teach them that God decided that the season of the law will be over one day and that grace will rule and when they can embrace that together with the love of justice they may make a beautiful difference in the world that's fantastic and then finally the pine tree how to move them toward God in a closer way how do we do that as a parent we do that through a focus on relationship because they go where relationship is important and they will be allergic to religion they will be allergic to falsehood so we will walk with them in reality and in authenticity and they will be the ones who facilitate peace harmony and keep the body of Christ together that's what they do what a great conversation we've had with heavy Brits these past couple of episodes talking about her book growing kids with character nurturing your child's potential purpose and passion John this has been so insightful and instructive for parents and it highlights what we're trying to do every day here at focus on the family equip moms and dads with the tools you need to do a better job with your children to raise healthy families that love the Lord that's the goal I believe Hedy's book is a great resource for you and I can't recommend it enough make a pledge of any amount to focus and we'll say thank you by sending you a copy not only will you strengthen and support other families this year but you'll also get this wonderful book as a resource and if not for you maybe pass it along to a friend or neighbor focus on the family is listener supported which means we depend on you to help provide the fuel that we need to produce broadcasts like this one offer resources like Hedy's book provide counseling and so much more so please consider a pledge or a one-time gift if that's all you can afford and we really appreciate your generosity our number is 800 2 3 2 6 4 5 9 800 the letter a and the word family or donate online and get your copy of growing kids with character we've got the link in the episode notes let me also recommend our seven traits of effective parenting assessment which can help you identify some strengths in your role as a mom or a dad and also maybe an area you can grow in so you can be more effective as a parent with your kids we'll link over to that seven traits of effective parenting from the website on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team thanks for joining us today for focus on the family I'm John Fuller inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ