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Dear Gary-May

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman
The Truth Network Radio
May 29, 2021 4:30 am

Dear Gary-May

Building Relationships / Dr. Gary Chapman

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May 29, 2021 4:30 am

Dr. Gary Chapman is known for the 5 Love Languages. But he’s not afraid to tackle the real life struggles you’re facing. On this edition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, questions from you about marriage difficulties, family conflict and abuse in marriage. You might hear an answer to something you’re going through.

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Need marriage turnaround have a lot of language struggle find answers and hope today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

If you will need to move trying to figure out how I really welcome Building Relationships. The author of the New York Times bestseller, the five today is our main very broadcast your questions to counselor author Pastor and our host of the program by Dr. Gary Chapman is in the house ready for your questions and comments that have come in past weeks coming up we are going to deal with the issue use marriage more about that just a moment. Today's featured resources a book by Dr. tremblant Jen Michael Burrell. We talked with her about here.

It's titled, yet simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more about website. Five love languages.com and basically Gary. This is a little book with a list of ways you can employ the love languages right along with original art by my co-author. She lives in England, and this is an artist and so if these practical ideas on how to speak each of "The 5 Love Languages" , along with her original art pieces so it's a great little gift to give someone as well as something to use yourself in terms of other ideas on how to express the love language of your spouse and that's what you want.

You really want your spouse to say hey you get me you understand what makes me tick right absolutely that's what we use that title as your people often say you just don't get me there. You're not getting them if they're saying that if there say you get me the right thing. I like I like your inflexibly yet all and what you want that from your spouse. Perhaps this will help you get me simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" . It's got a five love languages.com so Gary, there's a theme and a lot of the responses this month and I don't know what this is about. I don't know if it's you know with the pandemic and with people kind of isolated now that there is more instance of abuse.

Part of me thinks that in some of the calls that we received over the last few months it's kind given a people permission to say will.

This is really what's happened in my life or here's what I think about that when I got to play all these back to back today, but there's a thread that will you'll hear running through the calls and I want to begin with a question that came online. Let me read you this listener's words. I feel like my husband overrides me and bulldozers me all the time and then the Scripture talks about how were supposed to die to self, so I feel like I'm a doormat. He doesn't listen to me financially about savings and planning for the future is in his 60s.

I'm in my 50s, and he wants to spend money we don't have. He is not done any of the things that I've asked that we take care of in almost 4 years that we've been married. He is all about him and I usually just let it be that way because I'm supposed to die to myself does it really matter that I enjoy having a clean house and would like for him to clean up after himself. That would show love to be. Does it matter that I would really like for him to save money that would show love to me.

He makes plans with his son who moved here few months ago and it's all about his son and plans in the future to buy land and build a house because he wants to have something nice to leave his boys were grown men. I don't have access to his bank account, but his two sons do if I say something to him.

He turns it around on me and constantly throws up divorce so we read that book when we first got married. Five love languages and he seems to think it's a joke that the things that mean so much to me. Not one of them are done so where does that leave me. I just don't know really what to do where Chris is out here. You read that my heart goes out to this lady obviously is a second marriage for both of them assuming for both of them and they will been married for years and he 66 is and she's in her 50s which lays me. First of all to say that when there is when there is a remarriage particular as adults. When you both have children grown children and so forth. There's a whole lot of things it really should be discussed before you get married you know how were going to handle money, how were going to relate to our kids in this a whole lot of things that people often overlook and that's why I wrote that book with Gandhi alone how the love languages applies in a second marriage because it's very different and feed the more preparation you do for this before you get married, the less likely you are to get in the situation where she is now butter question is certainly a legitimate question is what what am I supposed to do and she's toying with two things.

One hurt the disappointment. The fact that he seems more committed to his sons is the adult sons and it does her and then the biblical concept that were supposed to die to ourselves were supposed to pick up our cross and follow Jesus and she's wrestling with both of those things and certainly no question about it. The Christian call for lifestyle is a life of service and Jesus himself said I did not come to be served. I came to serve and obviously for him to give his life a ransom for others so serving our spouse is certainly a biblical concept and certainly should be a part of a marriage. So there's two things that come to my mind, what is there is a place for focusing on your speaking his love language even though he thinks the concept is foolish.

But if you know his love language. There is a place for you to say God for the next several months. I want to focus on speaking.

His love language and I want to see what happens if I'm consistently speaking his language.

You don't have to feel positive feelings for him to do that is have to make a decision with God's help, I'm gonna be God's channel reaching out and letting him in his love language many times you will get a positive response and he will begin to treat you differently because your meeting. One of his basic needs and that is the need to fill out so that is certainly a very positive approach, but that's not necessarily the answer to everything you may do that and he may still treat you exactly what he's treating you now, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and look God in the face and know that you did the best powerful thing you could possibly do to influence him to become a person of love because when you're he's receiving love.

Love stimulates love and when your loving him unconditionally. Your your speaking his language, even though he is not committed to you in terms of speaking your language you're influencing him in a positive way.

He may respond positively or negatively, but you're having a positive influence and you can feel good about yourself and whatever decision you make at the end of the six months or five months or however long you choose to do this you'll be like it make a more intelligent decision because you will know he resisted even unconditional love over a period of time in his love language and he still resisted. So at that juncture, I think you need to talk to a pastor or counselor and let them help you decide what do I do now. Those are my thoughts. Is it is it a red flag when a spouse constantly brings up divorce like she says that he does it is, it means that in his mind he is thinking divorce might be better for us and that may be because he's heard a lot of criticism from her. She sees keeps harping about this and this and this effect. This is his perspective. She's all my case home okay so my case a divorce. Maybe the better thing for us. Maybe we made a big mistake.

So that's likely what is failing and that's why I said there's a possibility that if she can with God's help communicate love to him unconditionally over period of time. He may change his own mind and realize man I know what happened to her, but I like this and then if she has to go tough love because he's not responding to her.

He's going to have the sense I'm about to lose something here that that I like and he's far more motivated at that point to turn and work on the marriage and work on his own response or maybe you have a question for Dr. Chapman. You can call us now and leave a message on our listener line 186-6424 Gary is our number 186-6424 Gary and if you got a five love languages.com you'll see our featured resource today.

You get me simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" again got a five love languages.com I mentioned earlier in the program that there is a thread of abuse that will run through the different calls that we have today. And in this section I want to go to a caller who brings up that difficult subject of abuse, married for years to I think I just found out just realized that about a year ago that he had lived a premium because if I forget Beatty and he would get superstrength and he would try to harm the children. I tried to give me a good backhand had many ice on the stars. Many countries anybody that I tried to tell my sister and I tried to tell me to be and see if he's right, he would kill off we were married for 23 years, I have a very bad neck and I finally night. However, it too late at the back hands across the head and all the colors that call on because I had to contact my child and try telling people in the church you think you know I have to minister wants or something and I can't okay that's all have to stay well, it wasn't clear in my mind whether she actually left that husband or whether she was saying.

She picked up the kids and ran and she was saying that literally, but my guess is that she probably left and got out of that situation. I don't know that fact. It is unfortunate. I think Chris that many times when people go to a pastor or a trusted church leader and share something about abuse in their marriage. Either the pastor or there. The person just doesn't want to get involved and settle anything say about that or they give what they believe to be a biblical response, and that is you need to stay there and be submissive to him and so I think as pastors and spend Christian leaders, we have to be aware that there's this is a real issue in many, many marriages and that we have to be empathetic with the people who are taking this abuse and recognize that the loving thing is not simply to stay there and be abused. The loving thing is to say I love you too much to sit here and do nothing and therefore I'm going to do when you tell them what you're going to do and when you're willing to get help with this and I'm willing to engage in marriage counseling and we can try to rebuild our marriage so it's a matter of what is the loving thing to do that. She mentioned the very beginning that he was schizophrenic, which is a mental problem and that person is likely not going to change unless he gets severe help and that long-term help and stays with that help so it's not just a matter of him being abusive. It's a matter of him having a mental illness and that has to be taken into account here in this kind of situation but on her side of things. She's feeling abused by him, not just feeling it, she's experiencing physical abuse by him and the children are there in the midst of all that to soak it up for her own safety for the safety of the children and for his good for her to move out to move out from that situation, whether Lisa divorce or not. We hope it would lead to divorce.

We hope he would get the help he needs and then they could have counseling and marriage could be restored, but separation itself can be a very loving act in a situation like that and she mentioned the stars that she saw and that you know her neck. I still have neck problems, and then she kind of laughed and I don't think she was laughing, laughing, but it's just that in incredulous feeling that you know I I let this go on and I I I took this and and kind of the I can't believe that I had to go through that you know and and I think there may be somebody listening. Maybe this program right here will give someone the permission to say you know I don't have to take this anymore. I don't have to keep going through this.

Let me then go to when one person calls it generates somebody else calling and as I said this abuse topic this last month, for whatever reason has been a huge struggle. Here's our next caller to respond delighted about these sometimes it is not a good idea to tell that person you're gonna lay down that I would not have layout now always advised that person just to tell I'm going to lay continues there Chris, what is she saying better just to leave and not say anything or seems like the last thing she made was just telling him leaving that I think of I think her point was, if I had told my husband or was that I was going to leave he would kill.

So it's better not to.

Sometimes it's better not you know when you can't reason with somebody else like that. And that makes sense if you're in a situation like that and he's threatened to kill himself or kill you if you leave and certainly you don't slam leaving go get your gun. You just leave but you need to think your way through all where you're going. What you're going to have it lined up so that you can make as it were a safe escape from a phone that situation.

Yeah.

So the idea is not always that we say I love you too much to say here, I'm going to leave it all depends on the nature of the person and what kind of mental state. Therrien and and knowing the relationship to because even in the caller before this there was a seed going to the pastor and the pastor says I can't help you, and how many times has that happen. I think that part of the struggle here is that what I'm picking up is that the church has not done as good a job with this issue. On the whole we can't know how can we know all the situations but the response that I get is the church is been inadequate in helping especially women dealing with abuse in in their marriages.

Can you talk about that thing. I think that is true by large, there are exceptions. That, of course. Here's what I would suggest Chris.

Every pastor is not a counselor. Okay understand that but every pastor of the church should know who the Christian counselors are in their general area and even if it has to be 30 miles away.

They should know where their Christian counselors are to deal with this kind of issue so that he can say you know that's not my field of expertise. But here is the contact information on the counselor and if if for any reason you don't, you're not financially able to pay accounts or the church as a fund that we can assist you in that so that your removing you all the barriers your giving information and removing any barrier so that for her to get that kind of help.

So if every pastor was equipped with that kind of information. Many of them are, then they can be a help to the person even though they're not the one who's going to be doing the counseling and that brings up then the question if you're in an abusive situation and you you want your spouse to come with you.

You know and and go to counseling is probably not going to happen is probably going to set the other person off knowing that you can be telling the secret storage of telling things that I want don't want so that can even when you reveal that enough because you you said a lot if you're in a situation in your marriage and your spouse won't go with you. You go to counseling but if you're in an abusive situation, then that changes the dynamic that well industrious, but it is often almost impossible to go for counseling and they not find out and not know that you're going because the Kelsey's artist will be a one term thing. It's going to be several weeks it she will be meeting with this person as I help you walk through these emotions.

There is a place just to go and not tell them, but if they ask you know that there is a place also to tell them and then then be ready. Just know that if if they do become explosive, then for just immediately you just take a walk. You just get out of the situation and then perhaps they come down you can talk about it.

But if if they don't come down and of course you know you got it you got escape from that and then the children are involved here to.

I wonder if in all your years of counseling. If you ever experience that you have been beneath the layers and found out that there was physical abuse that's going on, or emotional verbal abuse that was going on and and were any of those relationships repaired over there. Were they beyond repair.

I don't think there beyond repair. Chris now obviously if it's mental illness it's much more difficult.

And if they're not willing to get help. It's almost impossible.

They're not going to change on their own without help and some without medication. Depending on what the problem the problem is, but but there are people who have an explosive temper and who do say abusive things, whether it's physical or just verbal, who, when they understand the dynamic and where they're coming from and why they are prone to do this and dig into that and find some healing from the past that they've gone through because you have the common saying is abusers abuse. When you've been abused and you tend abuse and you'd think you'd never do it because we've suffered so much yourself, but the reality is that that model tends to repeat itself so set some certain situations depending on whether it's a run whether some mental illness or whether simply a learned pattern but there can be healing and in most of these gifts situations if they're willing to reach out for help. We get our number if you want to respond to any of these calls we have today or you have a situation in your marriage or your relationships with a parent parent and were a child, 866424 Gary is our number. You can leave a message right there you might hear an answer on our next dear Gary broadcast 186-6424. Gary will probably come back to this abuse question little bit later but now a question about an emotional affair in the marriage is real and how you handle hiding very curious about the concept of emotional cheating on your spouse talking to my past. Today is rather long to spend time with someone other than your spouse is a get together. I wanted about was like a legitimate thing and how to best go about combating it.

Whether that's being open with your spouse about it some other strategy more personalized thank you think there certainly is the experience that is commonly called emotional attachment or emotional attraction to another person when you're married there something about the way that person looks the way they talk to you the way they emote to you. In fact, recently I heard a lady say that when I'm with him someone other than her husband.

When I'm with him our personalities flourish is just such a joy that that is an emotional attraction to another person. You know the word I use is the emotional tingles we get this internal emotional think it's the it's all in love thing is the beginning stages of the inlet of experience and you can have those feelings for someone is not your spouse, and especially if things are not going well in the marriage and then you meet someone at work or you make some where else and you begin to have these feelings for them and you're thinking more about them than you are. Your spouse. In fact, one man said I was just hoping that my wife would just go ahead and die so I could then go with this person. Well, that's a pretty strong attraction even to think such a thought. But those are the kind of thoughts you you person may have when they're emotionally attracted to someone else. It's a very, very dangerous thing and I think, not just pastors and counselors must be aware of this but any Christian must be aware of this and if you have the least sense that you're being attracted to another person like that you best remove yourself from the situation don't feed it. Don't think it'll go away are don't think we can handle this and not not do what's wrong here. We just be friends. None of the know it will get stronger and stronger, and eventually you're either not have to break it off abruptly.

Are you going to end up leaving your spouse and going off with them and this is the way many divorce divorces happen you know the marriage isn't going well are the marriage is just kind of blas, you know, we just got a roommates now.

Not much going on with each other. We just got aboard each other and now I have this other person that I have these feelings for. And so the least little thing, then triggers me to say well I don't love you anymore and I believe and said this is the birthplace of many many divorces.

So we gotta be aware of this and choose not to walk down that road and the best place and easiest place to make that choice is when you first feel that attraction. But if you're already down the road and you're already have this emotional attraction for the other person you been feeding it by having lunches together and talking together on the phone, etc. it's it's a death mark to a marriage if you don't break it off, and yes, it's hard to break it off because emotionally you're pulled in that direction, but biblically. If you're a follower of God, then you will come back and say God deliver me, Satan is as taken my heart and my mind and pull me off in another direction. I need your deliverance and you will have the deliverance of God. If you turn to him and he will give you the ability to break that relationship off and come back and rebuild your marriage because God continued us to have a marriage that you just roommates. God wants you to have a marriage for your loving and supportive and caring for each other. You can have that even after you've had an emotional affair, but you have to break off the affair. We talked with Dave Carter about this issue and he said that there are many times when you'll be singing in the choir you're doing something to church. You know or even you at the soccer field and you meet another a parent that is there and you had that kind of connection that did that it can be in some very innocent places that will happen at work obviously or the neighborhood but I want to know what you would say to the person listening right now and they're saying you know what that's that's happening in my life I have this emotional connection with somebody that's not my spouse. What you do with that.

Do you tell your spouse about it.

DD revealed that to them and what cadet due to the relationship Rucker thinkers it depends on where it is and how long it's going on because if it's gone, all the while your spouse probably knows it and other people know it.

They may not be talking about but they know it because they've observed that your behavior around that person is not really what it should be, but I think the easiest thing if if it if it it is just starting is you and you can break it off without telling your spouse you have to say.

I had the strong attraction for this later today not out on the know you do. Tell God that you asked God to help you break it off, you have to tell spouse if it's a beginning thing if it's been going on a while. She's already wondering what's going on with him. He's cold. He doesn't respond to me what's going on with the already know she arty know something's going on.

If you're going to make a clean break and make a restart on your marriage, then yes, you have to share. Yes, it will be heartbreaking to them, but you can that you and I can overcome that so and I think it would have to be authentic. If it's something it's been going on for a while. Be honest. But there has to be a clean break as well. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Find out more online@ 5lovelanguages.com we have some great resources for you a way to assess your own love language and you can download the lob Najaf plus find our featured resource. Dr. Chapman's book he wrote with Jan Mickle borough you get me simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" just got a five love languages.com. What will Gary say to a husband who is heard some really bad news from his wife times and decided that we are going to marry her. Go say that for me anymore it used to, and living together and I love her very much that we having had a nation expects a relation ship for a year now when did loan for counseling. We went together for the first time in she kept on going. All we to do my counseling that he had just learned advised for us to do is set the line that she decided she wants to move the house because she wants to find herself. She wants to find out if she still have many dealers working. I really don't believe that by doing that, it's going to the problem may be wars. She leaves the house thing that I should build I really really love this lame man I lost the dogs logging program I mentioned to date and you are an amazing policy making the right amazing counselor gave me again, help me.

Thank you so much Chris. Unfortunately, this situation is repeated over and over and over in our country and it grows out of this belief that the main thing in life is for me to be happy and if I'm not happy in this marriage than I want to get out and try to find what will make me happy. It's a false assumption because life's meaning is not found in happiness. Life's meaning is found in a relationship with God nothing will ever satisfy the human heart with a personal relationship with God and when we have a relationship with God. We take seriously what God teaches about marriage, but this is very very common what she's saying is I lost all those love feelings that I had early in our relationship. The reality all of us come down off of the emotional high that we typically call falling in love being in love, we come down off that high. It's a normal thing. It's a natural thing.

Then if there's been arguments in the relationship. If there's been other things in the relationship. This can turn her off emotionally. She not only came down off the high she now has negative feelings toward him. But often the way it's expressed is I just don't love you anymore, or I just don't have love feelings for you anymore.

Perfectly normal, perfectly natural and but if we interpret that to mean that I've got to go out now and find quote find myself and find happiness either alone or with somebody else. I've got to find something that will make me happy.

We are operating on a false assumption and we're headed for more trouble. So I agree with him moving out on that basis, and in thinking that things will get better is it's probably not going to bet is probably gonna get worse because chances are she will find someone else in a few weeks or a few months that she will be attracted to and she'll have those feelings again and see if it all now finally found the right one. What she doesn't realize is that the divorce rate in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate in certain first marriages because so she's moved out. She's found this new lover she's got a divorce now and get married to somebody else, then she's going to come down off the high again in typically two years and she's going to find out he's not Mr. perfect and the scenario is going to go over and over again so it's a very unfair unwise thing for a person to follow their emotions and let that determine what they're going to do in a marriage, but if I follow the biblical principle of love. Love is an attitude, not a feeling that if she would follow the attitude of love and say I'm married to this man at the moment. I really don't even like him and I don't have positive feelings for him but I'm going to ask God to teach me how to love him and this is where the love languages can comes so helpful. I will speak his love language and see what happens. And chances are she's going to touch him in a deep way.

He's gonna begin. Respond to her and her love language and they go to rediscover the emotional part of love.

There is an emotional part of love but it doesn't. Once you come down off the high it doesn't start with a feeling. It starts with a choice, I'm going to choose to love them now. From his perspective because he's asking what can he do if he knows her love language. The best thing he can do a speaker love language on a regular basis no matter what she says and what she does the speaker love language on a regular basis, and if he has failed in the past and probably he knows if he has because she's probably told him and complained about it, then apologize for those things and not just I'm sorry but you know I don't want to do that again. I don't ever want to do that again and and and help me let's get appliance. I will do that again. They is to be a sincere apology and turning away from his past failures. If indeed that's that's part of the problem because we have genuine repentance and then the person chooses to forgive then we can rebuild our relationship. So it's not a matter one person being 100% right near the person being hundred percent wrong. We all have failed and we have to deal with our failures but we also have to choose not to be controlled by our emotions are our lack of emotions in a marriage relationship. He mentioned the that they went to counselor separately and I think he said the that he didn't go.

The she went but he didn't. Is that a good thing for him to do now to to get with the counselor in and work on some of his his things absolutely, Chris is never too late to improve yourself and probably the reason the counselor suggested that they get individual counseling is because he realized that this gentleman has some issues that need to be dealt with before he can really do serious marriage counseling so I think it's unfortunate that he didn't follow through and get individual counseling because he may be a different place with the head but is not too late to do that now and to share with the counselor you know what what what his wife complains about that. That kinda gives a clue as to his part of what that issue is. It strikes me when he said you know you your your grade counselor and all of that, that he was doing what many of that you talked about in the past of of couples of come into your office and they don't have hope and you have said hang on to the hope that I have for you.

I think that's what he was looking for a want you to give me a little bit. I hope you're in a situation that feels hopeless and Chris is the issue he can change himself and going to counseling as a beginning step in changing himself, so that whatever she's complained about about him he can deal with those issues and he's gonna be a better person whether she chooses a stay or not to stay but the fact that he does go for counseling. Elise says to her what is getting serious. He's taking a step okay this is good so that would be my advice to him would be to go for individual counseling and deal honestly with the issues that your wife may have brought up to you in the process of this, let's just stop right here and thinking about him, and then anybody else's listing who has that same thing your spouses that don't love you anymore, I'm leaving. Basically, would you pray for those relationships right now. Sure father.

You know what were talking about and you not only know not only this gentleman but you know the others who are listening today are in similar situations and upright father for both individuals pray for the one who has said, I just don't love you anymore that your spirit will help them discover the truth that yes we do lose love feelings but that doesn't mean that we cannot find answers and restore those feelings and open their hearts and minds of that reality. And then for those who are in his situation where his wife is announcing that she is going to leave because she doesn't love him and he's very concerned because he does love her. He still has feelings for her father, give him wisdom on the steps he can take what he can do to begin to improve himself and understand himself better and become a better person himself. So whatever happens to her. He's going to be better and father give those who were in that situation, wishing to do that in the name of Christ upright they met Chris, one of the books have written the deals with that is, one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. I don't know if she'd be willing to read it or not Murphy would be venerated in the hunt, but certainly will be a be a step in the right direction to go. One more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. Thanks for listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. It's hard dear Gary broadcast for May featuring your calls. If you have a question you'd like Dr. Chapman to address call and leave a message on our listener line. We can't call you back.

But if you leave your question will try to address it here on the program.

Just call us at 186-6424 Gary 186-6424 Gary our featured resource today@ 5lovelanguages.com is the book Dr. Chapman wrote with Jan Mickle Borough. It's titled, you get me simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" . Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com and I can't emphasize enough how much we covet your calls. Let us hear from you today.

Maybe you disagree with something Dr. Chapman said or you agree wildly, or you have a question about something, nothing is outside the pale.

Just give us a call 866424 Gary, here's a call from a listener. Gary and I don't know. I think she's kind of in the same situation as our previous caller and she wants a little bit of hope. Here's what she had to say my relationship-year-old hemming gauge line going on in chthonic Tyndale, though she doesn't say was she's married or not, but it sounds like probably not, but she does have a one-year-old child. But whether she's married or whether this is simply the father of the child and they have a dating relationship. And, of course, not knowing Chris more than she had shared in terms of what's going on with the general question is where we got a problem and solve it and problems are so different that it's hard to give a blanket answer to a question like that, but I would say this.

The first step often is to ask God to show you where you have failed or are failing in the relationship you know Jesus said before you try to get the spec out the other persons I you do with the beam in your own and so even though you may think that the other person is 95% of the problem you just say God, you know what I'm what what you know you know them. You know all their problems.

But what I want to know is where have I failed in this relationship and God will answer that prayer because the Holy Spirit's job is to convict us of our own and he'll bring it to your mind, you write them down and you confess them to God, then you go to your spouse and say I been thinking about us and I actually ask God to show me where I have been failing you and he gave me a pretty good list and I've asked God to forgive me and if you got time. I'd like to share these with you and ask you if you could possibly forgive me and you share those things and I don't care what the situation is the other person is going to walk away thinking to themselves, while never heard that before they criticize me and tell me what's wrong with me. I have never heard them apologize see God can use your stay up your first step in touching them and they may well begin to think I need to apologize for some things and if they do now you are you ready to start the journey together because we have to tear down the wall between us before we can rebuild love in a relationship so that would be my thoughts to simply knowing that little bit of information that I have. I think always this is a good step for each of us to take in our relationship.

In fact, even if were not having a lot of problems would be a bad thing this periodically, of God, show me where I'm failing.

And I gotta bring those to your mind and deal with them and then you can start speaking their love language. That's the positive side of it and now you're creating something positive and positive feelings inside of them, which always helps the marriage and she said at the end I guess all I can do is pray. You know it's one of the most powerful things you can do is bring this to God and and also include others. It sounds like maybe she's a little bit isolated and she doesn't have those relationships around her mind. Some other people that can pray with you in that situation that you're in.

I hope that encourages you today wherever you are. We have one final call.

So we started with the abuse topic.

It has filtered through today. Here's our final call. Her husband is one person in public is different at home and this wife wants to be done with the marriage, marriage, dating you might think differently if you darling :-) I'm not saying it impacts the goals because he called police on the counter. We've had a lot of stuff going on in our marriage to the playground last several times that I came back because of the children three children to 11). He cannot hold this time to the point of this is frustrating and there will not hold this will be 22 in my younger team, 6B guy but have been struggling with leaving class last because I was sure I know God is not try counseling for five terms, he goes along for counseling sessions are free think I can go anymore only speak it to his child that's going on. I think he's one pump away. Everybody in the church thinks he's one way but now he's asking at home but nobody sees that back now it looks like you finally got already looking at this time are moving to a place of my came to my daughter is not in Nashville December 23 Dave Bennett done with this marriage. They've been through a lot, CCing something seen as my hatchbacks thinking of buying a family to the tax and complicate his family had been sent to grading everything that happened in at 550 company, and I'm just tired and move on strike strike my body got to see place is financially tight quantities hospital, but I know I can't do it out child support income job by debating she ideally not connected. Gary was a listener.

They go for counseling for five times and he would go as long as it was free. I guess someone else was paying for the didn't go after that, I would say the decision you're about to make you really ought to be talking to a counselor while you make that decision and when you make a decision because you need someone who can walk with you through the journey and the counter you been talking to might be the right person.

Are you may feel like you need somebody else but I do think if you continue with counseling as you make this hard choice of you moving out of the situation and I don't know whether he still in prison or not she mention he went and no, I may say she just said jail. Maybe he's not in prison but you don't know how he will respond either.

If he if he is still in the home.

You don't know how he's going to respond when you choose to move out. So you need to be.

You need to have someone I can walk with you and help you handle the emotions that you're going to have and to handle.

However, he response of this because if he's been verbally abusive and lashes out and hits plates and slams doors and all that sort of thing.

Chances are he's not going take this well and that you may see him at his very very worst, so I would say if you if he still there in the home and you make this move. You let him know that if he's willing to get counseling for what he's doing in his behavior that you would be willing someday to join him again in counseling but right now you can do that because you can't you can't continuing the situation to me, that would be a loving approach that would be tough love approach and it is approach that leaves the door open to the possibility that he can change in the fact is, all of us can change with the help of God. We can change and so what he needs is to get the help he needs from God and from a godly counselor to make some changes so that you can even talk about the restoration in the relationship and is earlier.

Caller said that might be a letter to him rather than the face-to-face if if you fear the abuse and and it sounds like she at least I hope she has help that she's not doing this alone, that there other people. We talked about this before that that when you decide to move out. She says financials could be really really tight when they when they move out that this will be something that there will be other people around her that that her walking alongside her right absolutely Chris it's always life is always better when we are part of the community and their people and genuinely care about us and our well-being and in most churches. You can find that kind of community and perhaps she already has that.

I certainly hope so. Let's conversation for today. Thank you for listening.

If you want to add your voice again. Here's our number asked question make comment 186-6424 Gary 866424 Gary and go to the website you'll see her featured resource by Dr. Chapman and generally you get me simple romantic ways to speak "The 5 Love Languages" provided it. Five love languages.com and next week if you're spiritually you feel like you will never change. Don't miss author and teacher shipping. He says you can say a big thank you to our action team Steve Glick and Janice Todd building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman is not meeting radio and Jason with the ministry


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