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August 18, 2021 6:00 am
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I mean every person male or female experiences. Rejection is a little person and wrestles with the rest of their life. And if we don't allow the deep recesses of our heart open to the healing of God, then we're gonna create surface relationships that don't ever get to that the heart center place. Lisa Turk hurst was our guest on the last Focus on the Family describing what rejection feels like she has more insights and really great advice for you today on Focus on the Family. I'm John Fuller and your hostess focus president and author Jim Daly John last time we had a what I would say is discussion.
Lisa has so much wisdom beyond her years, really. And she's so well-connected with so many people through social media. She's a speaker and author and she just has a way of creating communication that opens people's up and opens up our souls to think about were right with the Lord. And that is a good gift and that's our hope for you today as you listen long. We want you to get in touch with those parts of your heart that maybe the Lord's been knocking on the door saying open up.
I want to help. Ephesians 318 tells us grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for you and that's coming through loud and clear from Lisa last time and I know it will today as we talk about her book uninvited and she reminds all of us that the love of God cannot be taken from us and Lisa let me welcome you back to Focus on the Family. Well, thank you Sam that she has listening to the introduction. I was thinking I never wanted to be the poster child for rejection of what you said last time because your book is titled uninvited news.
You want people once they read the book to take the marker and mark out on and be invited. That's right. And I think that's a beautiful way to describe it because you're trying to help people understand their position in Christ. And it's hard for us because we go through years of rejection in different ways as children.
You talked about last time the rejection you felt from your dad who never really noticed you a little girl dancing in the rare dress that they had bought for you because money was tight and that feeling that I'm beautiful but my daddy's not noticing me and I could feel that even as a boy I had the myth that was never delivered to know. My dad made a promise when I was seven that on my birthday bring me a minute. He and my mom is already divorced and I looked up and down that road. Every 15 minutes for my dad and he just never showed up.
And what was worse, as I told my best friend that he was Commonwealth and he walked to the curb with me every time and I had to swallow that pride and I guess just assume I'm not good enough that my dad didn't even think about my birthday that really hurt yeah and it carries itself forward. I think I'm over correcting it now with my check my two boys because I tell them if I make a promise uncommitted to that promise and its directly related to that incident that I love that you have taken that incident and instead of burying it and saying now now now you know I never felt that way, the cantina, which is sometimes the response that we have.
We don't really want to deal with the rejection of our past that we just stuff it so far down that we kind of line ourselves and we hear the word rejection. We think yeah that applies to other people that it doesn't really apply to me. The reality is rejection touches us all because the sensitivity of rejection. It's either that fear of being abandoned or the fear of losing one's identity in your case, Jim.
It was both your dad didn't show up and you wanted to be the son who is thought of like that wasn't part of your identity. A key wanted to be his son who he was so proud of human father not showing up without that met right and so in that situation, it tapped into both the fear being abandoned the fear of losing your identity, but here's the great thing that you've done. You have acknowledged yes that caused me a lot of pain and I could see the tears in your eyes.
Even now you know you talk about that but you have taken it and you have let it work for your good, so that you are becoming the kind of father that you always wish that your dad would have been, and you take it to an extreme and in a statement love for you to beat yourself up like you know the reason you overcorrect with your kid the enemy wants you to believe now you need to look at the enemy and say no I'm becoming the kind of father that I wish my dad would've been instead of wallowing in the pain of what he wasn't becoming just like him. I'm letting it work for my good will. I appreciate that.
I feel it and we left off last time with the big question why God why do we go through these things. Why the pain what's the purpose and as you just said we all to some degree go through it, rich, poor, black, white, it doesn't matter. Those things do not matter.
It happens to all of us, so that is the question why does God allow it. Yeah that is a deep question we could wrestle with for days and I don't want to appear like I'm the expert who has all the answers. Because I truly believe God doesn't want to be explained away this question.
He wants to be invited in. And now I really feel like one of the things that could be happening.
When God allows us to. He doesn't cause the pain of rejection, but he allows us sometimes to get through this is to show us that we, unlike people sometimes with people we have to earn their left with to earn their respect we have to earn their you know their acknowledgment of us. But God does not operate that way you know we don't earn God's love. God's love isn't based on me.
It simply placed on me and it's the place from which I should live, and I think when were in the pit of those feelings of rejection. That's the greatest opportunity to shame Satan back to hell and to say you know what I have nothing to offer. I can't perform right now I am feeling lower than I've ever felt before that my God loves me and is not based on me. It simply placed on me by God himself. Lisa, you talked about your story and that rejection from your father and how that led to scraps as you described as a beautiful word. You know it's a hard word but that you were looking for scraps of other boys, teenage boys and you know college boys.
In fact, that led to some devastating circumstances for you if I could pry into that a bit because I can imagine how you carried that guilt with the consequence of your decisions yet describe it well enough. I think any time a girl longs for love that she wasn't given from the assurances and adoration of her father, many girls can turn to trying to find that affection from guys and so yeah, I did find boys that would say that they love me and boys that with give me the affection that I missed out of my father, but I also found out that I was pregnant and I was devastated. I was alone I will you I was in my early 20s and my mom had just suffered the trauma of losing a child. One of my sisters passed away in a very tragic way and so normally I would've gone to my mom and asked her to help me in that situation, but she was so overwhelmed with grief that I just I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to and so I went to an abortion clinic out of desperation and really when I asked them for was help and what they gave me was a lie and they said you know the test is positive. He really shouldn't consider yourself pregnant so we can take care of this problem quick and easy and you'll never think about it again. Think of that line yeah the test is positive, but you're really not pregnant what is that even mean yes, but you went through with the yeah they said it was cells dividing. It wasn't a real baby and so you know that in my desperation I I bought that lie and I had an abortion and it sent me to the deepest darkest pit that I've ever been in people interacting with me and every day I wouldn't have known it like I was still able to function. I have enough gumption in me to let get up and paying a smile on my face and do my job and I'm a highly responsible person but at night I would come home lay on my couch and cry every single night and felt like I was sinking into a pit.
I wasn't sure I was ever ever able to get out. That is such an insightful description because all of us. It's kind like walking wounded right that we can function the were desperate inside yeah where you describe that so many women police and meant to have gone through that very tragedy were they chose abortion over life and they can't feel the God could ever forgive them that guilt is so heavy. What do you say that woman listening right now who is never been able to free herself of that guilt and that shame that she took the life of her baby yeah well that's why think it's important for me to share my story is because I'm able to give this gift to any person who has done something that they feel like is beyond the reach of God. It's not just an abortion. All that that is a horrific thing that a woman has to wrestle with that. She's made that decision but it's for the man who has had an affair. It's for the father who walked away from his kids. 10 years ago when wakes up one day and realizes what he's lost it's it's for that businessman who's cheated for years and is now coming face-to-face with his own depravity. You know it's when we reached the end of ourselves and my message to them is me to I understand, and you know I think if more of us were honest and then more of us would stand up and admit our own depravity. You know our own brokenness and dared to go first and say those words like me to. I understand like I get exactly where you are and and I want to say I have suffered through wrestle through those deep feelings of not being you know rejected from from people that led me to make that decision. You know, but feeling like this might be the thing that causes God to reject me. I have wrestled with that and I can say with all certainty that God loves me has forgiven me and if he could forgive me. He can certainly forgive you. Like I know what you're dealing with and I'm standing here saying God's love isn't based on you. It isn't based on it, simply placed on you and it's the place from which we must live loved loved we are loved by God. No? You know what I often appreciate the way you're sharing that what I often say to someone struggling with belief in God, belief in Christ is, why wouldn't you embrace what Jesus is said and done for you and there's there's only that opportunity. It's amazing that God himself is such a gentleman. That way he's talking to force you to choose his mistake. Choose life or death in Jesus in front of Pontius Pilate say I came to testify to the truth, and Lisa what you're sharing is raw truth that me to. None of us are perfect. None of us are settlers and the more the church can embrace that I have no idea why we want to try to project perfection is at the base of that is pride. It really is everybody. And when you're more vulnerable that's what the Lord said he will be lifted up in your weakness, not in your strength and for us to build a talk that way. I think the world would seem entirely different and more godly perspective in us as believers if we were more vulnerable with who we really are not what we pretend to be so. I appreciate really heard from the heart.
And there's more to come. In this program just say that Lisa's book is called uninvited.
We have it here at Focus on the Family and also our counseling team counted and honored to offer an initial consultation to you to help you write where your here to help.
The matter what rejection you might be feeling our number is 800 K in the word family or your fun book by Lisa truckers and other resources. Just check the episode notes for all the details. Lisa, you mentioned something in the book, which I think could be the take away phrase from the broadcast last time in this time and that's lived, loved the first when you hear it, you're going. What was a lived, loved explain it in and let's talk about well and let's make it present like live loved today yeah now so in other words approach today with the assurance that God loves me. I don't have to feel it, I don't even have to think I deserve it, but it is real and so I can take that truth, I am loved by God, there's nothing I can do to make and left me more and his forgiveness is an and his grace is so vast that there's nothing I can do to make and let me last and that is so hard for our human brains to wrap around.
So instead of trying to explain it away.
Instead of trying to understand it.
Just stated. Believe it and every time that we here alive today speak back to those lies and in counseling terms. It's called the corrective experience. So when you hear life corrected with the truth.
That's not parenting that's not as yet that it it's it's really taking responsibility to make your brain and your heart live in a place of truth and not live in wallowing in the lies and so I would say set the tone for your day to live loved first thing in the morning by making the Genesis thought of your day. I live loved God loves me, that is to be the Genesis thought of every single day's that becomes the filter through which he process life and it's interesting. Neuroscience has come out with some research that says when we sleep at night. Baby neurons are formed and wake up in the morning. How we use those baby neurons. First thing will determine so much about the patterns of thought that we carry throughout our day and the process from a scientific standpoint, the scientific name is called neurogenesis. So I find that completely fascinating and yet not surprising at all.
God wants our Genesis thoughts to be every day I am loved by God.
That is the filter through which I'm gonna process life and if we do that it would change the way we think that entire day is fantastic.
I love that funds will you talk about Abigail and I want to work that story and because Abigail is a great figure in this regard. What you're talking about. Fill us in on what you saw on discern there with Abigail story. I wish Abigail talked about more in Scripture that in first Samuel chapter 25 we find this fascinating story of Abigail, who is married to a very harsh man. It says in the Scriptures so harsh that no one can even talk to him his name.
The Hebrew pronunciation of his name is Nevada.
Some women just said all that's my husband. Let's hope not. But she said I think a lot of us can identify with Abigail because the reality of her life. She has very difficult circumstances.
She has busyness. It's about the festival times that you know girl has been making her target list or how to love you listening so I can identify with that and she has some brokenness. As a result of being married to someone who's very harsh and if he's harsh with other people. You have to discern that he's probably harsh at home as well. So Abigail wakes up one day and realizes through a message that she gets from one of her servants that her husband has completely dishonored David. David had done in about a great favor by going out and protecting his flocks and now it's about to be festival time, said David has asked Novell for some festival food to give to the men with him and no valid this honors David so much and not only rejects his request that reminds David he there's a little line in Scripture that says who are you who is the son of Jesse, which of course I would say taps right into that feeling that David had of being rejected from his father when his father didn't bring him in to be considered truly annual yeah to be considered by seemed to be annoyed the king, so he is triggered, said David doesn't just walk away and calm about a jerk and like that that be that he has an out of proportion response because this is compounded rejection, and yes, the bow has said no to the food, but even more than that he is made David feel less man, and so Abigail gets this message from one of her servants that David is gonna kill all the men in her household. Abigail rises up and becomes this amazing woman who doesn't stay stuck in the reality of how hard her life is that she decides that she's gonna rise up and do something about it.
So she goes to talk to David she prepares a banquet for 600 men and loaded up on donkeys doesn't tell her husband because she knows that it's for his greater good that she doesn't tell him and she doesn't have this conversation with David in this conversation that Abigail has with David, I believe is one of the most profound epic speeches given by any person in the Bible and it's given by this woman, Abigail.
So I unpack it in the book to help people see that the way Abigail speaks to David is actually surveying David not just this food but is serving him a great gift of her honoring him and yet helping him see that the path you're about to March is not in keeping with your destiny you David are about to derail your entire destiny because you're stepping outside of the will of God.
But the way she speaks to David is so honoring and so lovely and so courageous and so full of humility that she changes the course of David's life and I think David never ever forgets the conversation he has with Abigail you it strikes me as your speaking recent good.
That was a very risky thing for her to do extremely she had a lot to lose if it went poorly and she herself would've been dealing with a great sense of rejection and failure of David pushed her aside and said no I'm still committed to this. So, or worse yet made David and at that point he has 400 men with him. He had left some of the men back to protect the supplies, but they all had drawn swords in their hand. So yes she could of felt rejected and that would've been hard. She could've lost her life because she gets off her donkeys that she quickly get off her donkey and bows her face down to the ground. That's the most dangerous position to be in physically speaking, but biblically speaking Abigail in that moment is in the strongest position possible because she is coming with great humility and its humility in our conversations.
It's humility that opens up the opportunity for the other person to actually listen and I think it's Abigail's humility that saves her life. When you know you look at that was so instructive about that. That's also God's character and God formed us. God created us, he knows how the human heart. The emotions work and when you use his character. It triggers something in the other person that is hopefully not always.
Hopefully godly as well.
Their hearts crack when you're showing love and respect and humility.
I love that man. Lisa I could just sit here all day and talk to you because it's so much fun and so insightful. You also mentioned 10 things you must remember when rejected. I read this and will post this if we can on the website but pick a couple of them to highlight and again will post these at the Focus on the Family website yeah well I think I read this chapter specifically for parents because I really know that if a parent has never dealt with their own rejection it's really hard to help their kids when they get three seasons of rejection, so you really want this to be a tool that parents can use to help their kids but also to remember themselves but one of those is don't – trash or hash your rejection on social media or on the Internet because the Internet never forgets it's always there. It's always there and don't invite the public into your private pain by bashing the person that's rejected. That's not to make things better. It's gonna make things worse or rehashing the rejection that's just gonna make you feel a sense of shame in an even more public way. And so I think that's a really important thing because teenagers especially love to talk about makeups and breakups and Thompson all in between on social media something helping them have private space to deal with their pain is really important to me grab this one because for me, this is big for one of my boys but rejection doesn't label you. It enables you to adjust and move on.
That is so powerful that if parents and young people can get a hold. It really is because I think one of the greatest things that we can help foster within our kids is a sense of self-awareness. We would all be much healthier adults if we had more self awareness and it's not self focus but is just becoming aware that you know sometimes when we experience a rejection. It has a lot to do with the other person selfishness. Sometimes, but then there's also this little part that maybe we did some things to add to that person's desire to reject us and so we can become more self-aware than we can become more mature and if we become more mature we become more wise and so let this rejection be a gift in disguise to you Lisa. This is been for me.
Every very enlightening and very engaging.
So thank you so much for your insights and again I hope our conversation last couple of days has put your heart in a way that says okay maybe I got some room to grow.
Maybe there are some things I need to learn about myself that is purposeful. That is one of things we want to do here Focus on the Family is to help you grow in your relationship with Christ. If that is happened and you're wondering now what I do as I'm bleeding all over the floor. Call our counselors.
We are here we have talented and gifted Christian counselors who can talk with you, can help you with perspective, we have a whole host of resources including Lisa's book that will give you additional perspective and I hope you will take advantage of that.
Let me also say you know in the last 12 months we've had about 50,000 calls go through the counseling department and that's about 2022 people that are just going at it all day long and I so appreciate their efforts in that regard. But we need your support to be able to make that happen.
You know this place just sits as an empty building. If we don't have the fuel for the engine so let me encourage you to make a gift today. I think it's $30. That allows us to help somebody very tangibly want help a marriage.
She will help strengthen the marriage keep the marriage together.
$30 is what it takes to do that here. Focus on the Family is one of the best investments in ministry. In fact, let me read you a listener, that we received not long ago, she said.
I listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast following an abrupt end to a five year relationship, an incident that left me feeling weak and depressed. Really, what you talking about Lisa during those dark days. I tuned in to Focus on the Family on a regular basis and eventually called to speak with the counselor to receive help in that conversation help me immensely. I've been living the Christian life ever since I read it doesn't get better than that. And Lisa, let me say as the host of the program. Thank you and all the other guests. Thank you for coming on and opening up your heart in that way. It is profound. Think it's such an honor to be here when you were so glad to have had the lease on the broadcast and if you'd like to follow-up request of free phone consultation with one of her caring Christian counselors or learn more about Lisa's book uninvited or donate to the ministry are numbers 800 K in the word family 800-232-6459 also find these and other great resources in the episode notes and if you can make a donation of any amount to support the work of Focus on the Family. Today our thank you gift to you will be to send a copy of Lisa's book, which as you know chronicles her journey of identifying herself as a child of God and finding acceptance in his unfailing love once more. Our phone number is 800 K on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family on John Fuller inviting you back.
As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ