Dear Gary - November

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" . We've been talking with Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the mega successful book, "The 5 Love Languages" . The need to feel loved by the significant people in your life is the deepest emotional need we have. My boyfriend and I read it together and we quickly realized like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale because we took the quizzes.

I'm on with the Gary Chapman. I mean love languages and I'm right here in the middle of it. I don't believe this. Words of affirmation! Love language questions, marriage struggles and more today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Are any of the love languages seasonal? I'm having a problem loving my pastor and loving my authority. I would just warn people about the dangers of thinking that there is one soulmate. I'm just trying to figure out my next move. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today, our post-Thanksgiving Dear Gary broadcast where Dr. Chapman addresses your questions, your feedback and your marriage struggles. And if you have a question, write down the number and give us a call. You may hear that burning issue that you're dealing with on a future Dear Gary broadcast. Here's the number, 1-866-424-GARY. Call and leave a message, 866-424-GARY. Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year, Gary, and I know you feel the same.

And we are less than a month away from Christmas. Our featured resource today is the book Extraordinary Grace. That's a reason to give thanks today, God's Extraordinary Grace. Tell us about that book. You know, Chris, you and I worked together on this one, and I really like it. The subtitle of the book really tells you what it is, how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing grace. And in this resource, we look at Matthew, you know where he gives the ancestry of Jesus. I tell you, Chris, some of those folks were not stellar people.

They look a lot like us, and some of them look worse than us. And it's just a way of showing God's amazing grace. If he can take the people that were in the lineage of Jesus and use people like that, he can use us, I don't care who we are and where we are today. So it's a message of real hope. Well, it's real hope for dysfunctional families that we're all dysfunctional to some degree or another. But I agree with you, and if there's anybody, I think a lot of people say, well, I'm going to become a Christian when I clean myself up. And it's like, you look at these people and the Old Testament that God used, and you see so many messed up lives. God does not want to make you just a little bit better, just tweak you a little bit here and there. He wants to radically transform you from the inside out. And so that's what this book is all talking about, the transforming power of the love of God, the grace of God, the mercy of God, and through his Son, Jesus Christ. So I remember getting the message that you preached on this, because it was based on a message that you preached near Christmas one year, and just going into these people's lives, it was really eye-opening. Well, it really is, Chris, because it says to us, you know, God can take us where we are, and he can change our lives radically. Amen. And if you want to have a copy of that, you can find it at our website, FiveLoveLanguages.com, the title, Extraordinary Grace, How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love.

Again, go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. Well, let's get to our first call today, Gary. And this caller left a message, but wanted to remain anonymous.

So let me read her question. Hi, Gary, my question is, how do you handle a relationship you've been in for 40 years, but yet you feel distance from each other? I feel there is a lot of resentment, maybe because he resented that he married me. I have no voice in my marriage. He feels his word is law. What do you do in a case like that?

Please help me. Well, you know, Chris, I think in a situation like that, the natural thought is, if they would just change, we could have a better marriage. And that's true. If they change, you could have a better marriage. But you can't change them. So the question then is, what could I do that might have the potential to make things better? You know, we've said through the years, you can't change your spouse.

And that's true. But we can influence our spouse. In fact, we do every single day with the things we say, the things we do. We either influence them in a negative way or a positive way. I can give numbers of examples, Chris, from my counseling, where one of them would not even come for counseling, but the other would come.

And we worked on this premise that you can influence them in a positive way. And one of the places we start is by making sure they know their spouse's love language. And sometimes in a relationship like this that's gone on for 40 years, they don't know what would make their spouse feel loved. In fact, you know, they don't even remember what it feels like to feel love themselves.

And obviously, this scholar does not. So once you discover their love language, set a goal to speak it at least once a week for six months. People say to me, you know, I tried the love language thing. It didn't work. I spoke their love language for three weeks and nothing happened.

It takes longer than three weeks, okay? They want to see if you're really serious. And so six months shows them, hey, something's happened here. They're treating me differently from what they used to treat me.

I don't know what's going on, but God can use that to touch their hearts. I can't guarantee that in this situation the spouse will turn around and begin to treat them humanely and eventually come to love them and speak their love language. But I can tell you, I've seen that approach work miracles in marriages.

So that would be my suggestion on where to start. You've got nothing to lose, everything to gain, but you will need God's help to do this because this is not natural. What's natural is to love the people that love us. What's unnatural and supernatural is to love someone who's not loving us. But that's precisely what God did for us.

He loved us, the Bible says, while we were still sinners. So ask God to pour His love into your heart. Let you be His agent for loving your spouse and just see what happens.

To me, that's the place to start. The sentence that jumped out at me was, I have no voice in my marriage. And I can interpret that a lot of different ways, but you're together 40 years. You're ingrained in patterns and the past has affected your present and is affecting your future as well. And if you don't have that communication, I think all she's asking for is, I want him to listen to me on a decision or anything that's going on. I want to be heard and I don't feel like I'm heard. That's huge, isn't it?

It is huge, Chris. You can't have a healthy marriage when it's like that. It's not a healthy marriage.

But the question is, in an unhealthy marriage, what can I do? Because you can't make them change. It would be nice if he would change. But she can influence him. Sometimes we underestimate the power of influence. You see, when she starts doing something radically different from what she's done in the past, that is loving him in a meaningful way to him, in spite of the fact that she feels all this stuff, don't let her feelings control her, but let her attitude control her. God, I want to be your agent for loving him and just see what you will do with him.

So God can use her to touch his heart. That's essentially what I'm saying. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, and this is our Dear Gary broadcast for November. If you have a relationship question, call our listener line, 1-866-424-GARY. It's not a counseling line. We can't call you back. But if you'll keep your question as brief as possible, we'll try to address it here on the program.

Also, be sure to turn down any music or the radio in the background. So call us today, 1-866-424-GARY. Our featured resource is a great reminder of why we celebrate Christmas, extraordinary grace, how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing love. You can find out more about it at our website, FiveLoveLanguages.com. That's FiveLoveLanguages.com. I read our first question.

Let me go to the mailbag for this next one, Gary. It's actually an email, and it references our program in October with Michelle Watson Canfield about dads and daughters. I have appreciated listening to your program today about dads and daughters. I do wish there was more helpful relationships between mothers and sons.

I seldom hear any help or book suggestions for this issue. I fully believe that when boys marry, the most important woman in their lives is to be their wives. I am not a hovering mother, but I feel a sad loss of relationship with my sons. When I ask, what could I do to be a better mother, their answer is, nothing, you did fine.

One son has never made a profession of faith and absolutely refuses to talk about it. Boys do not typically want to answer the questions you are proposing for dads to ask daughters. I know my boys love me, but we do not have the close relationship that I observe with daughters. Both boys have wives with doting parents, and I just feel left out on the side.

Should I just accept the relationship we have, realizing that it may not be what I want and that they are perfectly happy with the way it is? Or, is there something I can do to balance not being number one, but being important in the lives of my sons? I've talked to other mothers of sons, and we all feel the same way. They are husbands, fathers, heads of their own homes, but they are still our sons. What do you say to that mom, Gary? I think most moms who are listening will identify with that.

I don't know that they all feel as strongly as she does. And yes, there are sons, grown sons, that have good relationships with their mothers. But most mothers have said to me, my son doesn't contact me like my daughter does. Once every three months, I might get a letter or an email or a text from him, whereas my daughter is in contact with me every week.

So I can understand that, but a part of the answer is recognizing what she said in this email. And that is that he now has a family of his own. He has huge responsibility. He's working full-time, trying to support them. His wife has expectations of him when he is at home. His children have expectations of him. So it's not necessarily that he doesn't love you.

And actually, she said she feels that he does love her. She just wishes it would be closer. And I think the implication is that there will be more contact between the two of them, more positive contact. But I think recognizing his situation and affirming him in terms of being a good dad to his children, being a good husband to his wife, your affirmations are more likely to open the door than you're complaining to him about, I wish you'd call more.

I wish we could have a closer relationship. That simply frustrates him and tends to push him away that you're discontent, even though he is doing everything he knows to do to be a good husband and a good father. So I think that would be my suggestion, is to give him affirmation about his role as a husband and his role as a father. The more affirmation he hears from you, the more likely he is to reach out to you, because people like to be affirmed. So I'm empathetic with her pain, but complaining about it I don't think is going to help it.

I think it'll make it worse. Could there be a love language component to this, that her love language is perhaps quality time, and that when he comes over and just sits and talks, she feels affirmed and validated, and like, my son's back again, and that it wouldn't really take that much. It might just take a phone call every week rather than taking her out to dinner every night. Yeah, I think the love language does have a component to this, whether he understands her love language, which he may not at all, whether she understands the love language concept and why she may be hurt, because he doesn't, quote, spend more time with her or do more things for her, you know, acts of service, or give her words of affirmation. Lack of love, that is the sense that they don't love me deeply, comes when they don't speak my love language. So one of the things she might do is give him a copy of the book, "The 5 Love Languages" , as a gift for Christmas, and just say, yeah, here's a book that sold 20 million copies.

It's helped a lot of people. I thought you might like it, so I gave it to you for Christmas. If he reads that book, it'll enhance his relationship with his wife and his children, and he may even get the idea, hey, my mother has a love language. Maybe I haven't been speaking it. And if you go to the website, fivelovelanguages.com, you can take an assessment for you or someone that you love and want to show love to. Just go to fivelovelanguages.com. I don't think we've ever had this question before, Gary, about the love languages. Here we go.

Hello, Gary. First of all, I just want to say it would be an honor to talk with you. It's greatly appreciated to leave this message with you. A couple of questions on the variables of "The 5 Love Languages" . One of them would be, are any of the love languages seasonal? Like, you know, depending on how we feel, how we mature, how we grow as a person.

One day I might like to, you know, do the gifts or acts of service or all that fun stuff. The other question that kind of relates to that, you know, in that transforming of things is that, is it possible to be, instead of giving a gift, is it possible to be one that likes to receive any of "The 5 Love Languages" as well as give any of the love languages? For me, just kind of following all the possibilities and, you know, the giving and taking of any of the love languages. You know, like I said, if it's a season of life or all the possibilities and, again, all the variable combinations of the love languages.

Thank you. Well, Chris, let me start with the last part of that question. And that is, is the love language that we're giving, because he seems to be reading the book that the main thing is giving. And maybe that is the message that I'm talking about, how to communicate love effectively by learning the other person's love language. But the reality is, yes, all of us need love. And the book should help us understand what our love language is.

And I think it does. And, of course, as you mentioned, the quiz, the free quiz online at fivelovelanguages.com helps you discover your love language. So many times, the one that we want to receive is the one that we most normally naturally give to the other person. And it may not be their love language at all. And we may wonder why they don't respond more positively to what I'm doing. I'm speaking my love language to them, but they don't seem to be getting it. So the book helps with that.

The concept helps with that. But it also helps other people if they understand your love language, because when they do want to express love, now they know what language would speak most deeply to you. The other part of that question is, is the love language that you want to receive or that people want to receive affected by your emotional feelings or circumstances or stages of life that you might be going through?

And I think the answer to that is yes. I think that the primary love language tends to stay with us for a lifetime. But having said that, yes, I think there are seasons of life when another love language may become more important because of the circumstances. For example, a mother who has two or three preschool children, acts of service may not be her primary love language.

But during those years, it's likely going to jump to the top because she is overwhelmed with all the things that have to be done in caring for those children. So yes, I think there are seasons of life when another love language may become more predominant in terms of what you perceive love, how you perceive love. And I think there may be circumstances, just on a given day, maybe you've received news from family members of someone that's critically ill or perhaps someone who's died. And so you're really, your heart is heavy. And a physical touch may not be your language, but if it's heavy and you start crying and your spouse comes over and just puts their arms around you, that may speak more deeply to you at that day, even though physical touch is not your language.

So yeah, circumstances, stages of life, may affect the love language that a person prefers. I think that was the two questions that he had. Yeah, that was good. And I, you know, just in that physical touch thing, I remember a pastor that was, at the time we were living in Colorado and going through a really deep struggle, a really hard time with our family, and a pastor came through who knew me, and he stopped by and sat down on the couch.

And, you know, we were kind of lamenting the season that we were in. And he said, before I leave today, Chris, I just want to pray for you, because it was just him and me on the couch. And he, I said, go for it, please, make it a good one. And so I closed my eyes and I bowed my head and I felt his hand on my shoulder. And as he prayed, he just placed his hand on my shoulder. And I felt there was something, the words that he prayed were so meaningful, but it was that physical touch that was so life-giving. And I don't think that's my primary love language, but that day it was as if God himself, you know, that he used this pastor just to put his hand on my shoulder. And you don't know what that will do to somebody else that you're trying to show love to. Absolutely, Chris, and that's a beautiful example of that, you know, where it wasn't your primary language, but at that moment, it was the thing that was most meaningful to you.

Yeah, exactly what I needed. In the off chance that maybe there's somebody that's visiting from outer space and has never heard what these languages, five love languages are, can you just run through them real quickly? What are the five? Sure, one of them is words of affirmation, just telling them things that you appreciate about them. One is acts of service, doing things for the other person that you know they would like for you to do. Another is receiving gifts. The gift says to you, they were thinking about me when we were apart, look what they got for me. And then there's quality time, giving them your undivided attention, you know, that's TV's down, we're not listening to our computers, we're just giving them our full attention.

We can be walking or sitting, we can be doing something else, but they have our full attention. And the number five is physical touch. So those are the five and the basic message is, each of us has a primary love language, and if you don't speak their primary language, you can speak some of the others, and they will not be feeling loved. But if you speak their primary on a regular basis, you can sprinkle in the other four for extra credit, okay?

I like that. And the way I look at it is that this, the power of this love language concept is, you wanna express love to the person that, you know, your family member or friend or your child, your spouse, you wanna express love, but you're not getting through. It could be the difference between speaking to them in Swahili and speaking to them in English or whatever their main language is. You can have all of the thoughts behind and the words are just perfect, but if you're speaking a different language than they understand, then they're not gonna get what you're saying. And that kinda helped me and kinda opened my mind to what you were talking about a long time ago. Yeah, and that's exactly the concept. I think couples miss each other in their marriage because the one is expressing love in a way that's meaningful to them, and they think, you know, the other person surely knows I love them. Look what I'm doing, you know?

But the other person has a different language, so they're not getting it, even though you're serious and you're sincere. Well, thank you for that question. If you have a question, a follow-up to this, 866-424-GARY, leave a message, turn your radio down in the background, or pull over to the side of the road so that we can hear you clearly, 1-866-424-GARY. Next up is a suggestion for those who are single after divorce.

Hi, Gary. I would love to either hear a podcast, or more importantly, I would love for you to host a conference or some sort of retreat for those of us who are wrestling with still being single after being divorced. Again, you've gone through a divorce, the one that you were married to and it didn't work out, that person is now remarried, and years have gone by and you're still single, and ways to be encouraged through that hurt, that disappointment, that loneliness.

Thank you. Well, I do think that that category of singleness is a group that is often overlooked by the church, and the reality is there are thousands of people who are in that category. They've gone through the pain of divorce, and they're single and have been single for a long time. It's different from one who's single because their spouse died, because the dynamics of a death and a divorce are very, very different. So I can certainly hear her desire for help in what does she do, and the one thing I would suggest, first of all, is to try to find a group in your church, or if not in your church, another church, that has a single adult ministry, because in those churches that have a single adult ministry, they typically will have workshops or regular meetings where they deal with topics that relate to how do you handle the loneliness, and how do you handle the grief, and how do you build new friendships, because hopefully you're going to have a friendship with someone before it leads to becoming a marriage relationship. And if you do contemplate remarriage, and there's someone that surfaces, what are the things you need to be looking at in preparation for that? There are books out on that topic.

Ron Deal, I think if you just Google his name, you'll find a book most recently put out for those that are thinking about remarriage after a divorce. There is help there, is what I'm saying. Whatever town you're in, I would call some of the churches, if your church doesn't have a single adult group, and ask if they do, and hopefully you'll find one, because they will be discussing these kind of issues. So what I hear you saying, Gary, is don't stay isolated, don't wait for Gary Chapman to come up with the seminar or the conference, and honestly, there may be conferences like that out there right now, but what you're saying is take a step toward others to get some of these questions answered and to move toward other people.

Is that what you're saying? Yes, I think, Chris, if we simply stay to ourselves and we don't reach out to build friendships and relationships with other singles, as well as other marriage for that matter, isolation is not the answer. It's finding other people who are walking a similar road to ours where we can discuss what's going on in our lives and really build friendships with those people.

So that's the way I'm trying to encourage her to move. If you enjoy Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, visit our website, fivelovelanguages.com. There you'll find out more about Dr. Chapman, his New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" , and more. Our resource for today is the book that will help you celebrate the real reason for Christmas. It's titled Extraordinary Grace, how the unlikely lineage of Jesus reveals God's amazing love.

Go to fivelovelanguages.com to find out more. After 50 years of ministry there, we're going to hear a little bit of that service in our next Dear Gary when we head toward the end of the year. But listen to this good question about cultivating a heart for your pastor.

Hi, Gary. I'm having a problem loving my pastor and loving my authority. I want to love them, but I have a problem and I think it's in me, so I need help. Obviously, it would be interesting to know why she's struggling with loving her pastor. Maybe she's had a bad experience with him. Maybe she tried to talk with him about a problem and he either kind of dismissed it or was not empathetic with what she was saying. Maybe she doesn't really appreciate his preaching and doesn't feel like she's getting quote, fed spiritually by the pastor. There are many reasons why members of a church sometimes feel disappointed in their pastor or unhappy with their pastor. The reason why she may be struggling with loving her pastor, you have to deal with that reason. If I were sitting down with her, I would say, why do you have trouble loving your pastor?

I would try to deal with that issue because she knows why and it's dealing with the issue behind that. We're instructed, of course, as Christians to love each other. In fact, Jesus said, this is the way the non-Christian will know that you're following me by the way you love each other. We can love somebody we don't like because love is not a feeling.

Love is a choice and love is an attitude. It's the attitude of, I want to enrich the other person's life. Choosing to love a pastor doesn't mean you particularly appreciate his preaching. It doesn't mean that you have warm feelings toward him. It means, I choose to do something to enrich his life. That may be giving gifts. It may be giving words of affirmation on the one point in his sermon that you really did appreciate. Don't worry about the three you didn't like.

Tell him the one you liked. It's reaching out trying to enrich the other person's life, not to criticize them, not to put them down, but finding a way to communicate to them that you value them as a person. To me, it's realizing it's not a feeling. Love is not the feeling. Love is an attitude. We choose our attitudes.

We don't choose our feelings, but we choose our attitudes. One of the greatest ways to love another person, especially a pastor, is to pray. I think every pastor listening would say, if my people in the pew would come up to me and say, hey, pastor, what's the one thing I can pray for you this week about?

That would just lighten the load, you know? And then it would also, it would get her into the world of the pastor a little more that she might understand all the pressures if she's been slighted in some way in the past. Prayer is a good deal, isn't it? Absolutely, and it is a way of loving other people because prayer is a ministry. Preaching is a ministry. Prayer is a ministry. God uses preaching to touch people's hearts. God uses prayer to move into people's lives. So, yeah, one of the ways to love, and maybe the most powerful way at least to begin, is to begin by praying for your pastor.

And one other note, too. Pastors are not perfect, and they make mistakes, and there has been abuse in the past as well. I've talked with those folks. And so if a pastor is abusing the authority of that position in some way, to call them on this in a biblical way is actually a loving thing to do. It's not saying, well, the pastor touched not God's anointed. That's not loving them well. If they're doing something wrong or if you feel that, then that needs to come to light, don't you think?

I think so, Chris. In fact, Jesus said, if somebody has offended you, if somebody sins against you, you think what they're doing is wrong, you go confront them, and perhaps they will repent and you can forgive them. If not, it says, you know, you tell the church about it. And so I would say in this case, you would go to the elders or the deacons of your church, or one of them, and say, you know, here's something I'm concerned about, and maybe I'm reading this wrongly, or maybe I heard wrongly, but I just felt like some of our leadership needs to know this, and you share it with the leadership.

What you're trying to do, if the pastor's doing something that really is not healthy and not good, yes, it needs to be brought to his attention. Well, this is our Dear Gary broadcast for November, and if you want to leave a question at that number, 866-424-GARY, we'd love to hear from you. We had a program not long ago about dating, and this question comes from, I believe that program, I can't wait for you to hear this, Gary, it deals with the importance of an issue that many singles are dealing with today. Hi, Gary.

I was just listening to your broadcast. A woman had called in and asked about finding the one, and while I agree with everything that you guys said about the considerations of titling someone the one, I would just also warn people about the dangers of thinking that there is one, that there is one soulmate, just because it seems like that allows somebody to let their guard down. You know, scripture tells us to guard our hearts, and if you let your guard down, you may find yourself, you know, developing feelings for someone else without even noticing until you've got yourself in a pickle.

So anyways, I just want to throw that out there that the mentality of there being just one just isn't true. You know, we've all got human hearts, and we can all end up in love with people that we don't intend to be. Yeah, I think it's a matter of perspective and what you mean by that, you know, finding the right one.

From God's perspective, God knows our lives. God knows whether the person we're dating now would be a good partner for us for a lifetime or whether it wouldn't. So in that sense, some people would say, you know, I'm looking for the one that God has for me.

So I'm not opposed to saying that or to using that term, but I understand what the caller is saying. Sometimes if you have the idea that if I have these warm, bubbly, strong feelings for this person, you know, they are the one, well, you can have those long, hard, beautiful, wonderful feelings for the other person, and they not be a good person for you to spend the rest of your life with. That's why in my book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, I deal with some issues that need to be discussed and looked at carefully and honestly before you get married. So don't just assume that if you have these strong feelings and this is the one, because it may not be the one, and you may not know who the person is if you don't deal with some of these bigger issues and discuss them clearly and openly. And I think that partly is due to our desire to, you know, I really want to do God's will in my life, and I want to make all the best decisions that I can from the very small to the very big, and how could you not consider a lifelong mate to be one of the biggest decisions, if not the biggest, that you ever make in your life? So it kind of comforts me to know that God is sovereign and he has this other person in mind, but you can really get off track with that after you find that person and then they don't become the person that you thought they were going, you thought you could change them into that person. And then you start looking around, well, if I miss that, then the right person must be out there. So I've always liked it when I've heard people say that you're not as much looking for the right person, the one person, you're looking to be the right person. You develop your own desires and following heart after God so that when you meet that other person that you'll be as mature and healthy relationally as you can be. I think if everyone did that, Chris, then we would all make good decisions. Because all of God's children would be wonderful people.

But we're all in process is the reality. And no, you're not going to find a, quote, perfect person. That is, I mean a person that's just doing everything right. But pursuing God, that's the issue, one of the big issues. Are they really pursuing God? They're not just Christians.

That word can be used very lightly and mean a lot of things to a lot of people. But are they really pursuing a walk with God on a daily basis? If they are, that's a very positive thing because if they're doing that, they're going to be willing to change. They're going to be wanting to change. They're going to be wanting to grow in their relationship and in their life, becoming more and more like Christ.

And the more we become like Christ, man, the easier marriage is altogether. Gary, I want you to hear this next phone call. It is perhaps the saddest one that we've received here, at least in recent memory. But at the same time, I want to see if you hear what I've heard. I think there's hope represented in our next caller's situation.

Hey, Gary. I'm 24. I'm going through a rough patch of my life. And I'm just trying to figure out my next move. I kind of ended a relationship that I kind of got away from God with.

Nowadays, they're talking about it's her body, her right. But she chose an option without my decision. And I'm just trying to figure out for a young man myself, I was raised, but I left kind of in a bad way with the Lord. I'm just trying to figure out my path back to Him because it's kind of questioned me a lot, like whether it's right or wrong.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out the question of my answer. Of whether or not it was right for her to make that decision. And it wasn't out of health reasons, if I may put in. It was more out of convenience. And if I were to do the same, if she kept it as a father, I would be looked at as a scumbag with a father, a deadbeat. But she had the option to choose whether or not she wanted to keep her to leave. And it kind of hurt because even though we had a bad, we were up and down a lot with our relationship, kind of a bad relationship, yay. It just makes me feel like I was cheated out of an option. It feels like it should be two people's choice rather than one, right, because we both made the action to have a fulfillment and that pleasure with all respect to the Lord. And I know, I know life isn't easy.

Or is it fair? And we're all human and we make our own choices based off of what we choose. I'm just trying to find my way back. I'm lost with substance abuse, sir. I need help. I just need some feedback.

I'd appreciate it. Thanks, sir. Well, obviously, this young man is struggling with pain of a fractured relationship of the person that he thought they had a close relationship with, made a decision, then he was not a part of it. And apparently they're separated now. So he's struggling with, how do I find my way back to God? I am encouraged that he's thinking about, how do I find my way back to God?

Because that's the ultimate hope. He mentioned that he was struggling with substance abuse as well. So in the midst of what he's talking about, his brokenness, his broken heart over this relationship, and the substance abuse, he desperately needs to find his way back to God. And I think this begins by visually looking at the cross of Christ and recognize that what he did on that cross was to pay our penalty for all of our wrongdoing and that God will forgive us if we let him be our sacrifice, if we accept the fact that he died for me, and therefore I'm going to come to him and ask for his forgiveness and turn my life over to him and ask him to control my life from this point forward. That's the first big step, that we come to that decisive point where we're willing to turn our lives over to him and accept his forgiveness and ask him to guide us step by step into the future. God will do that. He will give you wisdom.

He will give you power to break substance abuse. And he will lead you to people who can help you do that. So I think in the midst of your pain and suffering, you're moving in the right direction when you're reaching out trying to find your relationship with God and getting back in fellowship with him. So I would also encourage you to reach out to a pastor or a Christian counselor and kind of share your pain, your hurt with them, because God uses people to help people. And pastors and counselors are people who have a heart for ministering to people who are hurting and struggling.

So don't try to walk it alone. Turn your heart toward God, but also reach out to God's people, Christian counters and pastors, or even someone who's not a pastor. If you know someone that you admire as a strong Christian, reach out to them as well.

So if they can't help you with a particular thing you're struggling with, they'll find somebody who will help you, because there is help. And so I would just say, do what you've done in making this phone call. Just follow another step now and contact somebody locally where you are and to share your story with them and let them walk with you as well. And if you are listening, the young man, the 24-year-old who called, or if you're in that place and you kind of have hit rock bottom relationally or there's some kind of addiction in your life, don't listen to the enemy's lies that says you need to clean yourself up before you make a phone call. You need to clean yourself up before you go talk to a pastor, because they're not going to talk to you. You're going to look down there. Don't you dare listen to that, because that's the truth of what the power of God will do.

It's not that we clean ourselves up. He comes in and gives us the power to change, to transform. So Gary, I just want to pause right here. Would you pray for that young man and for any other man or woman who is listening, who feels like they are in that bottom place in their life and they don't know where to turn?

Surely. Father, you know this young man and you know others who can identify with what he's saying, because they've been through similar things. And I do pray for those who are rather desperate and are deeply discouraged. Work in their hearts.

Give them an awareness that you are there and that you've said, if they turn to you, your arms are wide open, whatever's happened in their lives. And I pray that your Spirit will touch their spirits and draw them to yourself and lead them to people who can be helpful to them. Father, thank you that you're always reaching out to us. And I pray, Father, that in return these individuals will reach out to you for their good and for your glory. In the name of Christ.

Amen. I mentioned a little earlier, Gary, that you've just finished 50 years at the same church. Have you seen what that young man said? Have you seen that over those years of people who say, I'm at the end of myself, I feel lost, I need help?

Have they walked through the doors? Absolutely, Chris. And that's what pastors and counselors, that's counselors. I was on a church staff, but one of my major ministries was counseling. And that's why we're there. We're there to help people. We're not there to condemn people. Some people have the idea, if I reach out to somebody at the church, they're going to condemn me for what I've done.

Well, that may happen in some churches, but that's not the biblical pattern. The biblical pattern is we're there to reach out to hurting people. You know, Jesus himself said, people that are well don't need a doctor.

It's people that are sick that need a doctor. And that's true in our lives. If you've got everything going fine, you know, you feel like you don't need God. But if things aren't going well, you recognize you need God. And that realization leads you to reach out for help.

Yeah. Well, we are thankful that you've trusted us with that question for Dr. Gary Chapman today. And isn't it interesting how people and the struggles that they're going through will help others? I think of the mother that we heard from a little earlier who doesn't have the relationship with the son that she wants to have. And she asked this question. And you know there's another mom listening who feels in that same boat that feels a little bit of encouragement because of her vulnerability. Isn't that good? Yeah, absolutely, Chris. Whenever we share our hurt, we not only help ourselves, we help other people.

Yeah. Well, before we conclude today, let me give you our number where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman. You can make a comment as well, a response to what you've heard today. 1-866-424-GARY is our number.

That's 866-424-GARY. And if you have a question about your relationships or a comment about some call or answer you've heard today, we'd love to hear from you. And don't forget to check out our featured resource, Extraordinary Grace, How the Unlikely Lineage of Jesus Reveals God's Amazing Love. You can find that book written by Dr. Chapman and yours truly at 5lovelanguages.com, 5lovelanguages.com. And next week, what do you do when making others happy is making you miserable? Here's some answers from Karen Eamon in one week. Well, a big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.