Dear Gary

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" . We've been talking with Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the mega successful book, "The 5 Love Languages" . The need to feel loved by the significant people in your life is the deepest emotional need we have. My boyfriend and I read it together and we quickly realized like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale because we took the quizzes. I'm on with the Gary Chapman. I mean love languages and I'm right here in the middle of it.

I don't believe this. Words of affirmation! It's time to open the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages, your marriage, single life and more. Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. He loves to have a friend but not as a husband. Our school this year is going to implement "The 5 Love Languages" .

There's another woman in the kitchen. According to him, he's happy if I just give a cup compared to me, I need a gallon. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for October as Dr. Chapman takes new questions from our listener line.

We have some questions that have come in over the summer months that I am eager to hear answered by Dr. Chapman. And if you are a parent, you will be encouraged by our featured resource today at FiveLoveLanguages.com. It's the DIY guide, the do-it-yourself guide to building a family that lasts. Gary, we talked about that book back at the start of the summer. I think a lot of families will benefit.

What do you think? You know, Chris, I am excited about this book. We use the metaphor of home improvement that we see on TV. And in that process, you know, you tear down some things, remove walls, and you replace them with other things. And that's what we're doing in this book, only we're not building houses, we're building families. For example, demolish selfishness and build kindness. Imagine what would happen if we could just be kind to each other in the family. Wow. Well, imagine what would happen in politics. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Another one is a decreased grumbling and increased gratitude. You know, get the kids away from grumbling and being thankful that they have something to eat, you know. Anyway, it's a fascinating study and I hope it's going to help a lot of couples. Very practical book on building a healthy family. It's called the DIY guide to building a family that lasts, co-written by Dr. Chapman and Shannon Worden.

Just go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. All right. You ready for our first question? I think so. All right.

Let's get started with a husband whose wife doesn't have feelings for him anymore. I've read your five love languages. I really love it. Really great.

I want to incorporate it into that. My big question is, my wife and I have been separated since Easter time of 2019. We do talk.

We are somewhat trying to work on it. I want to know – well, no, she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore. She loves me as a friend but not as a husband. She says there's no feelings anymore. There's been too much pain and heartache in our marriage and she doesn't feel that it could be possibly rebuilt. What I'm looking for, Gary, is how do I go about rebuilding this with this beautiful woman? We've been married for 23 years and living together for the last 25. I don't want it to end. I know in her heart there's still love there and feelings for me.

It's just she keeps telling me she's not ready to discuss things or work on us. Any help would be great, Gary. Thanks very much, Gary. Have yourself a great day.

Bye. You know, Chris, I'm always empathetic when I hear situations like this because something's gone on for a long time that brought the wife to feel like I'm just not interested anymore. And yet the husband now really wants to work on this.

How do we do this? That's one reason why I wrote my book, One More Try – What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart. I think the listener would find that book to be very, very helpful. One of the things I would say is this. I understand how a person can come to have no feelings. I mean, no positive feelings, no love feelings for another person. And I think we have to give the spouse time. You've been separated for a while now. Time alone doesn't heal it, but she needs time. So don't pressure her and certainly don't preach to her.

She's got to come to the place where she realizes, OK, I don't have feelings, but I'm willing to try some things. And what I say in the counseling setting to a person like that is, I understand if you don't feel love and if you really don't want to work on the marriage. That's why I don't ask people, do you want to work on your marriage? What I say is, will you work on your marriage?

Will you try some things and let's see what happens? And typically, if they're willing to try some things differently, there can be growth. But I would suggest to read that book one more try of what to do when your marriage is falling apart. And you'll get some other practical ideas in there on things that you should do and things you should not do during this time that you're separated. I do believe that the marriage can be reborn. And I think you want to be kind to her.

And if you know her love language, you want to be speaking her love language during this time as you have an opportunity so that she sees your spirit and your attitude being one of love and genuine care for her. That opens the door or may open the door for her to begin to get engaged again in the process of healing. It's interesting that he used that metaphor because we've been talking about the building, you know, do-it-yourself guide to building. And he says, she says there's no chance for rebuilding out of this rubble. So you say there is hope. But honestly, it does take two people who are open to that, but he can influence her.

That's what I hear you say. Yeah, absolutely. He cannot change her feelings, but he can influence her by being positive, not by preaching to her, not by condemning her, not by telling her, now if you were a good Christian, you would work on this marriage, none of that kind of stuff. But being understanding. Let her tell you how she got to this place, if she's willing to.

What are the factors that went into bringing her to this place? And listen empathetically to her and say, honey, I can understand it. I can see how. If I were in your place, I'd probably feel the way you do. You know, just totally non-condemning.

And she sees and begins to feel that you are understanding her and understanding what's going on in her heart and mind. There's hope. There's always hope. And obviously praying that God will help her also work through her own emotions and bring her to a place of openness.

One more try. What to do when your marriage is falling apart is that resource. And that's Dr. Gary Chapman. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Here's an interesting call, a positive memory that came from a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

Hi, Gary. I'm listening to your program on Building Relationships with your children. And you mentioned a couple of examples with parents sitting down at the table and they don't have to just do that. I remember distinctly, I'm 60 years old now, my father and I doing laundry together at the laundromat. And almost every time I do laundry, I remember him saying, now wrinkle the clothes when they come out of the washing machine so you can put them in the dryer and they'll dry faster. And other tips that he gave me at the laundromat.

And it was just a mini bonding experience. So I thought I would share that. Thank you very much. Enjoy your program.

Bye. Always encouraging, isn't it, to realize different things that stimulate memories in people's lives. You know, I have memories.

I've never had a memory of my father and I doing laundry together. I have a lot of memories of my father and I working in the garden together. Okay, we had a pretty large garden behind our house. And every afternoon, the spring and summer, we were out there working in that garden together. And that's why a few years ago, I planted corn out behind our house. I thought I was going to do what we used to do. I planted some corn. It was coming along really great, Chris. And about another week it was going to be there. And we went on vacation for a week. And I came home and the raccoons had eaten all my corn.

I was going to say, the coons game. Right at the right time, too. They know exactly when that stuff is right. Oh yeah, oh yeah. But yeah, I do think building memories with kids by doing things with them.

It's amazing how those memories stay with you in a lifetime. So to parents who are listening, I would encourage you, don't just do everything by yourself. That has to be done in the house. Get your kids involved working with you, whether it's laundry or working in the garden or washing dishes or whatever.

Do it together. It will build memories for them. And also prepare them for the future. Everybody ought to know how to wash dishes and do a little cooking. Our featured resource today is the DIY Guide to Building a Family That Lasts. 12 Tools for Improving Your Home Life, written by Dr. Chapman and Shannon Worden. You can find out more at FiveLoveLanguages.com.

Again, FiveLoveLanguages.com. Gary, here's a question that came from a listener about a spiritual mismatch. I'm going to read it to you. A wife writes, I've been married for more than 30 years to a man who says that he accepted Christ, but he's not growing in his faith. We have one son in his mid-twenties. The issue is I'm growing in my faith by leaps and bounds.

My husband does not go to church, but my son and I go faithfully. My husband seems to be getting more and more grouchy over everything. He says he wants to talk, but when we do, if I say something he doesn't want to hear, he gets mad and shuts down and pouts and gives me the silent treatment for days. I feel like God has called me into a ministry and that a fire has been lit within my soul, but I'm being held back because he's acting like a child.

Now listen to this. He gets mad when I talk on the phone to my friends and says I don't talk with him as much. I talk to my friends mostly about spiritual things because he's not spiritual. I can't talk with him about that.

He's retired. He does nothing but watch TV and eats, cooks, then goes with his friends on the weekends to drink beer. I've encouraged him to get a part-time job to have something productive to do.

He says no. He doesn't want anything to do, which I think is one of the issues. I'm very glad when he's not at home or goes out of town because all he does when he's there is moan and complain about what I'm not doing. There's not enough intimacy, passion, and then she writes blah, blah, blah. Who wants to be intimate with someone so negative?

Not me. His love language is time and touch. But when we spend time together, it's usually watching meaningless TV. He doesn't want to go out or do anything, but he's usually mad at me about something. So that means I don't want to touch him as much.

And the touch he usually likes leads to sex, which I don't want to have as much as he does. He believes more sex will solve all of our issues, which of course they will not. Now this is long, but this is very revealing both of him and of her, I think. There are a lot of things that are in here, so let me just read one more paragraph.

He would never go to counseling because of his pride and ego. I know that marriage is ministry. We've been limping along. But if truth be told, if we weren't in so much debt, I think we would be separated or divorced. I often dream about not being with him or not having him around and how much better our lives would be with that freedom and autonomy. I believe in marriage, but I have to tell you, in this season of my life, I wish I hadn't married. And I want to tell those thinking about marriage to run the other way. I don't see it as so much of a blessing being married and miserable. Life is too short.

Any insight you could give would be helpful. This is no fun for me and my son. Again, Chris, I'm very empathetic with one who shared all of this with us. And I'm sure that there are listeners today who are feeling exactly what she's feeling because they've been through it and maybe in it right now. And I understand how you can get to the place where you just feel like we'd be better without each other. In fact, one lady told me, she said, I just pray God will take him.

That's getting pretty serious. So I'm very empathetic with this. It's very, very difficult to live with someone from whom nothing positive is coming into the relationship. And they have expectations of you, but have no interest in being involved in a meaningful way with you other than in the sexual relationship. And sex, just for the sake of sex, is not how God intended the sexual part of the marriage to be.

It's to be an expression of our deep love for each other. And it's a bonding experience. It's very difficult when emotional needs are not being met. So I'm very empathetic. Now, man, the solution to this, it would take several counseling sessions to work through this.

First of all, this writer needs to be heard because she is in a hard place. The other thing I would say is, if he will not go for counseling, I would suggest you go for counseling. And when you tell him you're going for counseling, he's going to say, good, you need it. Okay?

That's all right. Because you do. You need someone who has experience in counseling, marriage counseling, who can hear you out and understand where you're coming from and how all of this came to be. Because you're at a place where you're thinking about getting out of there and you're going to make a decision like that. You need somebody who can walk with you through this experience. And that's where the counselor becomes very, very important.

That they can help you think about where you are. Maybe share some ideas you haven't come up with yet that you might try before you do the experience of tough love. You know, which is, I'm getting out of here because I love you too much to stay here. So here's the common problem. People in this situation often, they get to the end of the rope and then out of desperation, they move out and they divorce.

And the spouse at that point typically will say, good riddance. You know, I'm tired of your condemnation of me. All you ever do is just condemn me because I won't do things with you.

I won't talk with you and so forth. Here's one of the approaches that I try to encourage people to take. Before you make that decision, with the help of a counselor and with the help of God, try reaching out to him, speaking his love language, primary and secondary love language, as much as you can with a positive spirit for over an extended period of time. I usually challenge individuals to try six months.

Extended period of time. Because you are speaking his language, because you are being what he wants you to be for those months, now you can say to him, I don't know how you feel about us, but my perception is you don't care anything about me. All you want is your needs to be met. And I love you too much to continue in this relationship. I'm not going to abandon you, but I am going to move out.

My son and I are going to move out. If you ever want to deal with your life and your problems, and you'll go to a counselor and you'll get some help, and when the counselor says to me that he feels like you're ready for marriage counseling, I'll be happy to do marriage counseling with you. Now he's got something to lose because you have been loving him in a meaningful way to him.

He's got something to lose now. That's the deepest way to influence him to get the help he needs. Now he may not respond, and you can't make people respond, but at least you will feel good about yourself that you made this beyond the normal effort to really love an unlovely spouse and thus have an influence on him. You know, I wrote a book called Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away.

I think you'd find this book to be extremely helpful because there are lots of people in your situation where you just feel like walking away. How do you love a spouse who is unlovely? This is the kind of love God had for us because the Bible says God loved us when we were dirty, rotten sinners and sent Christ to die for us. So ask God to give you the ability to love a dirty, rotten sinner over an extended period of time. See what happens. So that's a long-term marriage situation.

Here is another long-term marital struggle where the wife has some important decisions to make. Hi, Gary. I was just calling to let you know I was listening to your last program. And yes, I have been enjoying it very much. I thank you for it and your co-host.

And just wanted to let you know I do agree with quite a bit of things that were said on today. And my husband and I, we have been married this year of 30 years. Over the last few years, we've had our differences. We feel like he doesn't want to be married with me anymore. We have gone to counseling individually together and feel that there's another woman in the picture, but every time I ask him the question, he doesn't deny it and he does not say or agree that it is. But all clues and cues does appear that way. I'm still hopeful.

I'm still prayerful. I do not want to divorce, but I know I need to take a step. I can't hold on to when another person doesn't feel that they love or want to be in the relationship anymore.

Thank you for your program and have a good day. You know, Chris, my observation through the years has been when a husband says, I don't want to be in the marriage anymore, almost always he is involved with someone else. He's let himself move down the road with someone else. And it may be at different stages, the relationship, but he's got something he's reaching out, a person he's reaching out there to. And this is very, very difficult because, you know, when he's in an in-love state with somebody else, we all know the euphoria of that. And he feels like he's found his soulmate now and he's going to go off with her. And we know what's going to happen. He's going to come down off that high in two years and he's going to realize that she also is human and he's going to find things in her he doesn't like.

But right now, the new relationship compared to the old, no question. You know, he's pulling in that direction. So I feel for this lady because she can't keep him from doing that. You see, it takes two people to have a marriage, but one person can create a divorce.

And if he chooses to leave you and to file for divorce, you can't keep him from doing that. You know, we can pray that God would bring something in his life to open his eyes to reality. But even God doesn't make us do right. You know, he didn't make Adam and Eve do right.

He gives us freedom. And when people make unwise choices, other people suffer. And in the marriage, when a husband or wife makes an unwise decision and says, I'm through, I'm out of here, you know, you hurt, the other spouse hurts. And not only that, but if they're children, the children hurt, the kingdom of God is hurt.

Everything hurts when we do wrong. But we can't make someone stay in the marriage. So I would say, walk closely with God. Pray that God will continue to work in his life to bring him to a different decision.

And also, make sure you develop some friendships in the church with ladies who love you and care for you. And I would say, if you're still getting counseling, great. If you're not, you probably ought to go back to the counselor that you were seeing.

Let them help you walk through your side of this in the light of whatever your husband does. You are validating her feeling, though, that there's something going on here. Even though he's denying, denying, denying, you're not saying that you don't believe him, but you've seen this too many times for that nerve, that internal thing that she's saying, ah, there's just something not right. She's on to something. I think she is. And what I heard her say was, he won't deny and he won't affirm.

He's just silent on the question. And that's almost always an indication that there is somebody else out there. And it'll become evident.

It'll become evident as time goes on. All right, our next question. Good news about "The 5 Love Languages" and education, Gary. Here's our next caller. I just wanted Dr. Chapman to know that our school this year is going to implement "The 5 Love Languages" and how we deal with our students, how we talk to our students, how we express ourselves to students. And I just wanted to know if he had any advice into doing that. We're going to have them take a test online and then put them in categories as kind of the plan.

But if he gets anything further, that'd be great. Thanks. Well, I'm glad to hear this. And, Chris, I would say I'm also glad to say we have a curriculum for public schools on "The 5 Love Languages" . It's called Discovering the Love Languages at School, Grades 1 through 6.

And it's published by Northfield Publishing. It's written for public schools. Obviously, Christian schools can use it. And I think they'll find this to be very, very helpful as they try to implement this in their school. We know that children learn more from a teacher from whom they feel love. And so this tool helps the teacher know the love language of every child in the room and shares the concept with them that other people in the room have love languages as well as their parents. So this curriculum is called Discovering "The 5 Love Languages" at School, Grades 1 through 6.

If they go to fivelovelanguages.com, Chris, they can see a little blurb on this curriculum. And you hope people will respond and tell stories about what happens at schools, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. We've had good reports already.

And I'm glad to hear that this school is beginning to explore that. Now we go to the differences between what a husband and wife need in a marriage. Here's our next question.

Hi, Gary. I explained the five live languages to my husband. And he explained to me the difference between how much love he needs compared to how much love I need. According to him, he's happy if I just give a cup compared to me, I need a gallon.

I understand his concept. He also said that I could do nothing and I still show love to him. But the difference is he only needs a cup while I need so much more. And he can only give me a certain amount because I need a lot more.

Thank you. Well, I've never heard it put quite that way. He needs a cup and you need a gallon. I do think that some people are more needy for love than others. That is, there are those who grew up in homes where they didn't feel as loved as others, their children did. And as adults, they do feel the need for love more intently sometimes than other people. But all of us need love.

And the goal is to meet the need for love. So one of the things I encourage couples to do is periodically, say once every two weeks, you say to your spouse, on a scale of zero to ten, how full is your love tank? And if they say ten, you say wonderful. If they say nine or anything less than that, you say, what could I do that would help fill it? And then they give you a suggestion. And now if you want to express love to them, you know how to do it, how to do it in the best possible way. So if you and your husband can begin to play that little game, chances are if he only needs a cup, he's going to say ten most of the time. You're going to say three most of the time. But at least it will give him something specific he could do to meet your need for love on that particular day.

So that little game I think you'll find to be very helpful to you. There is a sense that I get, and maybe this wouldn't be what he would say here, but there's a sense that I only need a cup, you need a gallon, and so you need to change or my way of experiencing love is better because I don't need as much as you do. And again, maybe he would not say that, but that disparity, he could give up and just say, well, you know, I'll never make her feel loved. I can never fill up her love tank. It's just going to take too much time. I could do everything in the world she asks for, and it still wouldn't be enough.

How do you deal with someone who says something like that? I think that's likely what he's feeling, Chris. He's feeling like I can't meet these needs. I mean, you're just too needy.

I don't have time to do this. And of course, we don't know what her love language is. She didn't share that with us, but yeah, that may well be his feeling. And I think this is where further conversation between the two of them to see if that is indeed what he's feeling, and then also for them to get counseling because maybe she does need to work through some things from her past that have made her more needy for love or feels like she never quite gets enough.

I wouldn't let it just ride. I would take some steps to try to find out what's behind his feeling and your feeling and let someone help you work through that because you've got what it takes. You can have a good marriage.

You just need to work through this so that you do learn how to meet each other's need for love. Yeah, that's the real positive thing. They're talking to each other. He's gotten it down to his – well, there's a word picture that John Trent talks about.

I'm a cup and you're a gallon, so he's got that, and that's such a great word picture to explain it. Now just taking one step or another toward each other would be a great idea. Remember, our featured resource today at FiveLovedLanguages.com is the DIY guide to building a family that lasts.

Just go to FiveLovedLanguages.com. Marital discord because of finances or maybe it's not finances. See what you think. Here's our next question.

Hi, Gary. My wife and I have been married for going on 12 years. We have been separated since last August of 2018. The reason we were separated was because we were agreeing to buy a home off of her father. We're not living together right now, but we're seeing each other a lot more than we were.

But I've put my foot down on something. She lives on a property where her father and mother live. She wants to build a house for us to live in on that property.

Now with the history that her father and I have had where I feel that he has been very overbearing and caused division between my wife and I, I put my foot down and said we can't do that. We have to have an independent life from your family. And I don't mean that I want to isolate you from your family, but we need to have our own life.

I mean, I already know I can feel the pressure of even living there. I can feel the stress that's going to come of him scrutinizing our every move or every dollar spent. I don't feel like that's the best life for us. But she is pushing against me really hard on this issue.

I don't know what to do is really causing her to back up, step away from me, break the communication that we had. Because at this point, it feels like that divorce is imminent. I mean, and the reason that he's been so overbearing and so in our lives is, yes, I will admit we have needed financial help over the years. And he has been one that has helped us a lot. And I mean, I'm not not thankful for that. I appreciate that.

But it's it's come with strings attached. I don't understand why that she wants to live that life. I've tried so hard to save this marriage. I just don't know what to do. Well, I would say this is a situation where you really, really need to see a Christian counselor. Don't don't give up until you have done that, because this is a conflict and not an uncommon conflict. In-law relationships is a is a conflict area often in marriages.

And that's what this is. You need someone to help each of you hear the other person's perspective on this and find a meeting place. And obviously, you haven't been able to do that on your own.

So I would say if she's willing, you find a Christian counselor and see if she's willing to go with you and let them help you walk through this rather than just divorce. I believe you can find an answer to this. It's not a matter of taking sides. It's a matter of discussing the issues and hearing each other out and then finding a meeting place. Because if you can't solve this conflict, how are you going to solve other conflicts? Because there will be other conflicts.

I mean, you have already discovered those. You wouldn't be separated if there weren't conflicts. So every couple has to learn how to solve conflicts.

And most of us have had no training in that. So you need to work with a counselor. And this is a perfect place for you to do that before you make any rash decisions about divorce.

So let me just encourage you to do that. You didn't answer the question about the house or the finances or the father. There's a lot that you didn't win around.

And I think it's because it's really not about that. I mean, you're the leave-and-cleave general, you know. You need to—and that would be—you understand his feeling about that, about this is not going to work, but that's not the main issue.

No, absolutely. You know, it'd be easy for me to say, you're exactly right and she's exactly wrong. But that's not the way you solve conflicts. You've got to learn to hear the other person's perspective, where they're coming from, why they feel the way they feel. And obviously, they haven't learned how to do that. And that's where I think a counselor can help them learn how to do that. So his question, I don't understand why she would want to do this. He can find that out on his own, but preferably with a counselor who can walk them through that conflict.

Yeah. Gary, we had a letter from a wife who said, my husband wants touch all the time. It leads to sex. What do you do when your husband won't express love in the way that you want? Here's our next caller.

Hi, Gary. My question is regarding a husband who is not emotional. Well, his love language is words of affirmation and acts of service. And my top two are touch, quality time, touch and gifts, mainly touch. I just find it difficult to believe that a person could actually really love someone, be in love with them, be attracted to them, and never show it any signs. I mean, no, I shouldn't say any signs, but just not in the way that you would when you have privacy.

Thank you for your ministry. It's so beautiful. I guess my question would be, first of all, Chris, has the husband read "The 5 Love Languages" , men's edition? If not, I would hope someone would put it in his hands and challenge him to read it. Because the reality is, she knows her love language and she knows his love language, which makes me think that they probably each have taken the quiz online. But I question whether or not they've ever read the book.

I would challenge her. If she doesn't think he'll receive the book from her, see if one of his friends would give him a copy. Often he'll receive it from a friend. Because I think a husband who wants to have a good marriage, when they understand the love language concept and how important it is to speak the spouse's love language, I mean, it's a nonsensical thing to turn away from that.

Why would you not choose to do that? It affects everything and creates a positive climate in the marriage where you can then solve anything else that comes up because you feel secure in each other's love. I would say just make every effort to let's expose him to the concept, how important it is. If he won't read the book, then maybe let's get an audio copy of the book.

Maybe he'll listen to it. But let's expose him to that so that he fully understands the importance of speaking the spouse's love language. I've had so many men say to me, you know, Gary, I don't read books, but I read that book on the love languages.

It was absolutely incredible. It's the best book I've ever read on marriage. Because it opened their eyes to the reality of how important it is to speak the love language of your spouse.

So that would be my first approach. And if he's done all of that and still chooses not to express love in your love language, then I'd like to talk with him. I'd like to say, hey, man, why would you want to live with a wife who feels unloved when it's in your power to meet that need? But love is a choice, and we can't make somebody speak our love language. That is, I've never heard you answer that way, but it's really the answer, you know, that she, her question was, how can a person be in love and not want to show it? And perhaps it is, I do want to show it.

I just don't understand how to do that in the way that you hear it. So I hope that's what it is. So we'll set that up, that counseling session up real soon.

It's time for a single caller, Gary. Up next on our program, here's her question for Dr. Gary Chapman. Hi, Gary, my name is Jenny, and I just started reading, I believe it's "The 5 Love Languages" for singles. I'm feeling like you're not going to cover this in the rest of the content of your book, and maybe I'm wrong.

I also Googled it before I called this line. I, for example, happen to be an individual who uses all of the love languages and the relationships that surround me. So I'm aware of all the things that make someone feel loved and valuable, and so I give those things out, but rarely ever get that back in return. So my question to you, Gary, is, have you or will you address people pleasers, individuals who tend to give the languages of love to individuals who don't return it back? How can you repair relationships where there's one individual receiving and not giving?

How do you balance those dynamics? How do you discuss that? And then when you begin to discuss that, you might have to touch on the topic of narcissism, and then you might also have to touch on the topic of value. Some people simply don't see value in other people, and there's no amount of gift-giving affirmations or any of that that's going to shift that.

That's my perspective. I would love to know specifically how a single is going to deal with relationships that are based on people pleasing, giving, and not receiving. All right, thank you so much. Have a good day.

Bye. Well, a lot of questions in that one question, Chris, but one of them has to do with the individual who does love and who has learned how to speak the love languages and seeks to do that within all of their relationships. But in some of those relationships, there's nothing coming back to them. To me, that's where communication becomes important. If it's a close friendship, for example, sharing the love language concept with that friend and saying, I don't know if you've noticed how I speak this or that or the other, but discussing it with them and getting them to take the quiz so that you can intelligently talk about this part of relationships, which is not everything, but it's an important part of the relationship, that is meeting the need for love. So it's communication that leads to the other person understanding why it's important.

If you want to have a relationship to learn how to speak each other's language in friendships or whether it's an adult child with their parents, for example, the same principle. The other thing is a person who is super, super selfish and their whole world is revolving around themselves, often with the word that she used, narcissism. It's very, very difficult to get a person like that to understand how important it is to learn to try to hear and see people through their eyes. Teaching them empathy is very difficult. It can be done, there can be progress, and certainly the Christian faith can transform a person's super selfishness, and the opposite of that is love. It's focusing on how to enrich the lives of other people rather than what other people can do for you. But a person like that, chances are, will not change radically without two things, a strong touch by God that really transforms their lives, and, or, and with that, counseling, where they come to recognize the necessity of developing love into others if you're going to have positive relationships over the long haul. Otherwise, you leave a whole string of broken relationships.

That's basically what happens. It sounds like, to me, there's a level of pain in the middle of the question of her own experience, and she's trying to bridge the gap between what she desires and what she's experienced, and that's a really hard place to be, if I'm right about that. Yeah, and that may well be, that she's got the concept, she sees herself as a loving person, but so many people are not reciprocating her love, and that could well be where she's coming from individually in asking that question, because there are many people like that. There are many married people like that, where one of them reads the book, they get the picture, they try to explain it to the spouse, but the spouse doesn't really get it, and so consequently they feel frustrated.

And single adults can have the same frustrating experience with individuals with whom they seek to build a friendship. We have enough time for one more question. It is very complicated, but at the same time, simple. Here it is.

Hi, Gary. What to do when you discover the five loves from your language and your spouse's language and understand that really what's going on, but when the other person leaves the state? What you can do with that? Thank you. Well, I'm assuming that they're married, and the spouse has left the state, and while he knows the love language, how do you speak it when they're not there? And obviously, it's much more difficult when you don't have that face-to-face contact.

I did write a book for military couples in which I give ideas on how to speak all of "The 5 Love Languages" while you are deployed. Obviously, this situation is different. She's left the state, I'm assuming, because she doesn't want to be with him.

I could be wrong about that. Maybe she just got a job somewhere else. But that book, though you're not a military person, apparently, that book could be helpful to you because I give practical ideas on how to express the love languages long distance. For example, physical touch you would think would be impossible to speak when you're separated geographically. But one spouse said to me, Dr. Chapman, I knew my husband's love language was physical touch. So while he was deployed, I put my hand on a sheet of paper, I traced my hand, and I mailed it to him with a note that said, Put your hand on my hand. I want to hold your hand. When he came back, he said to me, Gary, every time I put my hand on that paper, I felt her.

It's not literal touch, but it's emotional touch, and that's what we're talking about. So that book, The Military Edition of "The 5 Love Languages" , will give you practical ideas on all five of the love languages and how to express them when you're geographically separated. And you can find that information at fivelovelanguages.com along with our featured resource for today's program, The DIY Guide to Building a Family That Lasts 12 Tools for Improving Your Home Life.

Again, go to fivelovelanguages.com. And we'd love to hear your feedback or a question that you might have for Dr. Chapman. Our number is 1-866-424-GARY. You leave a message there and you might hear an answer on a future Dear Gary broadcast. 1-866-424-4279. And next week, we'll find out the power of hospitality in an age of loneliness. It'll be an important conversation, particularly with the holidays approaching. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago, in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.