Caregivers and Borrowed Courage

Welcome to Hope for the Caregiver.

This is Peter Rosenberg. This is the nation's number one show for you as a family caregiver. We're so glad that you are with us. How are you doing? How are you holding up? I ask that because if the caregiver is in distress, how does the caregiving look? If the caregiver is not healthy, how well does the caregiving go? If the caregiver is broke, how well can you serve as a caregiver? Healthy caregivers make better caregivers, but where does it all start? Does it start by us having an influx of cash so that we can go off and pay all our bills and we can pay somebody to help take care of our loved one and everything is settled and everything's good and then we're going to be happy? Is that the way it works? Not from the footage I've seen. I know people who have very little, who do this extraordinarily well and maintain and actually live a very calm and joyful life.

And I know people who have a great deal of money and were so taught with anxiety and stress and worry and fear and guilt that they couldn't function. There's got to be more. And that's what this program explores. Go to that place of more.

And what is more? What does it look like? Where is it? What is it?

How do we apply it? And I am convinced after a lifetime of this and now I'm in my 36th year now as a caregiver for a medical nightmare that is relentless. It's starting to lose count now. Millions of dollars in medical bills.

And all this has been going on since Reagan was president. I can't tell you how many times I've stood in hospital corridors late at night or watching them take Gracie to surgery standing there by myself feeling alone, feeling afraid. That's what I want to spend some time with today. Talking about fear. Talking about that deep anxiety and gripping fear that seems to just rip our hearts apart.

You've often heard me, those of you who listen to the show regularly, have heard me talk about the fog of caregivers. Fear, obligation, guilt. This is where we find ourselves at any given day. We don't know how to think. We don't know what to do. We don't know where to go.

We don't know what safety even looks like. Fear, obligation, and guilt. That fog of caregivers. A couple of weeks ago we talked about obligation. Today I'm going to talk about fear. Are you afraid?

If you are, you're in good company because that's the human condition. Want me to prove it? Look at your scripture. What commandment is given more than any other commandment in scripture? Fear not. Don't be afraid. Fear not.

That is mentioned more times than any other commandment in scripture. We are told to not be afraid. Why do you suppose that is? Because we are all dealing with fear on some level. We are all dealing with better decisions, sometimes harder decisions, but do it in the face of fear. Here's a quote.

Listen to what this person said here and then I'm going to tell you who it is. I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear knowing what must be done does away fear. Resolve. We're going to face it. We're going to master it. We're going to deal with it. You know who said that?

Rosa Parks. I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear knowing what must be done does away with fear. You have to conquer that fear because you are resolved to know what needs to be done.

It's got to be done. And yet we still have to return back to those dark moments of fear late at night when we're alone, when we're walking to a... I've talked to more caregivers who resonate with the breakdown in the hospital parking lot.

You've dealt with the unimaginable in the hospital and then you go to your car and that's when you collapse. But what I am finding is, is that the fear component of what we deal with is actually prohibiting us from stepping into the place where comfort can come. See, Jesus never said blessed are those who fear. He said don't be afraid. Told his disciples that many times, don't be afraid. God says through all scripture, don't be afraid.

But what did he say? Blessed are those who mourn. And fear blocks us from mourning. Fear blocks grief.

I'm convinced of this. It is hard to grieve when you're torqued with fear and you're pushing back with rage because that's a lot of times how we react with fear is with either dismay or despair or rage because that rage makes us feel powerful. Fear makes us feel vulnerable.

But when we're willing to face it and see it for what it is and recognize it, that we have the perspective of God's provision in this through scripture by faith and the love that he provides, we can face that fear. And then we're free to mourn. But some of us don't want to mourn. It is anguish to mourn. It is heart rending. We don't want to mourn.

We somehow want to. If we don't mourn it, then we don't have to say goodbye to it. If we don't mourn it or grieve over it, then we don't have to bury it.

And we live in that perpetual state of agitation over this. But what are we grieving over? What are we mourning over?

What are we saying goodbye to? What are we burying? Sometimes we are at a funeral. Sometimes we are at a gravesite. Sometimes we're burying our own preconceived ideas of how this should be. Sometimes we're saying goodbye to what we want it to be. And that's so painful that we'll do anything to not have to go there.

And that's where fear comes in. I can't go there. I don't want to go there. It's going to destroy me. The grief is going to be too much. It's going to break my heart.

It's going to break me. And yet, the antithesis is what's promised to us. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I have noticed, just as an observation, that fearful people, by and large, don't mourn. They may dismay. They may despair. And they may wail. But they don't mourn.

They may be different. Mourning is an acceptance of what it is and facing it. Reconciling myself to it. Doing what needs to be done.

That's what Rosa Parks said. I have learned over the years that one's mind, that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear. Knowing what must be done does away with fear. This is an extraordinary change of thought processes that we as caregivers have the opportunity to go through. And we're going to talk about that.

We're going to unpack this in the next block. But I wanted to just introduce that concept to you right now about fear. We have legitimate, frightening things in our lives as caregivers. And if you do it long enough, you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about. Some of us have faced horrific things in our journey. And it is paralyzing. How do we face this fear, confront it, and resolve ourselves to doing what we know must be done, and conquer that fear? We're going to talk about that some more.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is Hope for the Caregiver. Hopeforthecaregiver.com.

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I am Peter Rosenberger, bringing you more than 35 years of experience to help you stay strong and healthy as you take care of someone who is not. If you want to be a part of the program, go out to hopeforthecaregiver.com. Hopeforthecaregiver.com, you'll see a form there where you can fill out a question, comment, whatever's on your heart or mind, send it. It goes to me, and I'll be glad to respond to it on the program if you want.

I'll try to do it otherwise through email or call you from the program if you want us to do that as well. Whatever's on your heart and mind, how can we help you deal with the challenges you're dealing with so that you are in a much better place? Again, healthy caregivers make better caregivers, and the thing that starts the path of healthiness is recognizing that you don't have to do this all by yourself.

Friends don't let friends caregiver alone. Hopeforthecaregiver.com. We're talking about fear. Fear has torment, Scripture says, and fear blocks us from accepting what really is. It is what it is, and we can grieve over it, we can mourn over it, but we can't do that if we're tortured by fear. And I want to spend a little time on this program to talk about that and to give you some things to hang on to in the moment of that fear. It's not enough to say, okay, I'm not going to be afraid.

No, no, that's not how it works. We're going to have to recall to mind. We've got to retrain our mind to do this, and please never, ever, ever think for one moment that I own all of this.

I am on this same journey with you. I have to do these same things. I have to remind myself of this every single day. As caregivers, we live with daunting tasks and challenges and heartbreaking realities, and we don't want to have to deal with those things.

They frighten us, and I get that. But in order for us to navigate through this healthier, we're going to have to face certain hard realities. And Clara Barton said this, founder of the Red Cross. She said, I may be compelled to face danger, but never fear it. And while our soldiers can stand and fight, I can stand and feed and nurse them, recognizing that we have something to do. And we're going to have to dig deep to stand and face this and accept it for what it is.

So I'm going to go over to the caregiver keyboard. It's been a while, but I'm going to go over to the caregiver keyboard, and I'm going to give you a hymn that helps me remember this. It's a hymn that has stood for, I don't know, 500 years, you know, and you'll know the tune.

But listen to this hymn. A mighty fortress is our God. A bulwark never failing. Our helper, who amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing. For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us well. His craft and power are great, and armed with cruel hate, on earth is not his equal. So Luther, when he wrote this, is saying that, you know what, there's things out there to fear.

There's something out there that is troubling. But then he goes on in verse 2, he says, did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing? We're not the right man on our side, the man of God's own choosing.

Thus ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is he, Lord Sabaoth, his name, from age to age the same, and he must win the battle. Look at verse 3. And though this world with devils filled should threaten to undo us, we will not, here it is, we will not fear, for God hath willed.

His truth to triumph through us. The prince of darkness grim, we tremble not for him. His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure. One little word shall fell him. And then the last verse he says, that word, one little word shall fell him, that word above all earthly powers.

No thanks to them abideth. The spirit and the gift are ours through him who with a sideth let goods and kindreds go. This mortal life also, the body they may kill, God's truth abideth still.

His kingdom is forever. There are hymns of great comfort and joy and all kinds of stuff that you can find, but this hymn, A Mighty Fortress Is Our God, that's one of those spine stiffening hymns that you say with resolute conviction, not in your own strength. Not in your own confidence, but in the confidence of he who guides you through this. We're not the right man on our side, the man of God's own choosing. Did we in our own strength confide? Our striving would be losing.

If we try to do this on our own, we're never going to do this. We're not the right man on our side, the man of God's own choosing. Do you ask who that may be?

Christ Jesus it is he. What does that mean to us as a caregiver? How does that equip us? How does that sustain us?

How does that help us to understand that there is something greater going on? That we do not walk into those hospital rooms by ourselves. We do not walk into those rehab centers by ourselves. We do not walk into that bedroom where someone lays and they're dying. We're not doing that by ourselves. We're not taking that phone call in the middle of the night by ourselves. We're not having to perform these tasks that we do as caregivers.

From changing wounds, dressing wounds, changing adult diapers, whatever. We don't have to do that by ourselves. It seems that way at times. That loneliness is the fuel for fear. And it feeds those dark thoughts. And into those dark thoughts we have to march with confidence. Maybe it's not you coming up with the confidence.

Maybe you're just willing to say, you know what, I'm going to borrow someone else's confidence. Recently, it was just last week, it was the anniversary of the death of Thomas Cranmer. And Thomas Cranmer was forced to recant his beliefs and then he recanted from his recanting and then they put him to death by fire. And he stuck his hand into the fire first. Because he wanted to burn the hand that signed that document that recanted his faith. Under great pressure he had recanted, but then he repented of his recanting. And they killed him for it.

But before they did, he stuck his own hand in the fire. And when you sing a hymn like this in the midst of whatever, in the middle of the night, you may sound like, it may sound like your voice is really timid and really small. When I played it here on the keyboard, you know, it's just one keyboard. It's not the full orchestra that I've heard it with, with a hundred-voice choir. But let me tell you that when you sing this, you have the full-throated chorus behind you of all of heaven that stands with you in this. A mighty fortress is our God. Did we in our own strength confide our striving would be losing? And Luther admits in this thing that we have a dark foe that seeks to assail us. And where is that battle? Where is that assailing going on? What's going on in our minds?

What's going on with fear? Ask me how I know this because I fought this battle. I would never dream to tell you. I look at some of these other people who go out and they accomplish things and they say, okay, we've done it now. We're going to tell you how to do what we've done. And they're so successful. And I think, I'll never be able to, I can't do that. You know, I look at these money guys and all that.

They're all very wealthy, you know. I'm not that guy. I'm just a caregiver, still am one. And this is how I get through the day, is to remind myself of these things. My journey as a caregiver continues.

I don't have seven steps to being a healthy, wealthy caregiver. I'm just saying this is how I have to live. And I have to remind myself of these hymns. I have to remind myself of these scriptures. And borrow the courage of countless others who've gone on before me and have been willing to stick their hand in the fire, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.

I trust Him in the most horrific things. I borrow their courage. And scripture says in Hebrews that there's a great cloud of witnesses that are cheering me on. So when we sing this, however timid we sound, however weak our voice sounds and those night watches, when we sing, a mighty fortress is our God. There is a great cloud of witnesses that is singing with you. Please understand that.

They are cheering you on as you do this. Something extraordinary is happening in the heavenlies. And it doesn't take away the sting of what this does to us.

It doesn't necessarily remove us from all the circumstances. But remember what I said about this hymn. This is one of those spine stiffening hymns. This one straightens us up. This one increases our resolve.

Just saying it with your mouth, confessing it out. And though this world with devils filled should threaten to undo us, we will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us. It's an extraordinary hymn written by an extraordinary man during an extraordinary time that applies to you and me right now, right here as caregivers. None of this is easy for us. But there is resolve.

There is resolution. There is conviction that will strengthen us for the journey and equip us to do this. And that is the message of hope for the caregiver. That is the hope for the caregiver. This is Peter Rosenberg.

We'll be right back. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife, Gracie. And recently, Peter talked to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen. Gracie, when you envisioned doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country, that you put out the plea for, and they're disassembling, you see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs. And arms.

And arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out.

Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long. These men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one band said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea.

I thought of peg leg, I thought of wooden legs, I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that. I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that they're helping other people now walk, they're providing the means for these supplies to get over there, what does that do to you just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there and I wish that I could be able to go and say, this guy right here, he needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way.

Every time, you know, you always make me have to leave, I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that Core Civic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one, is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them and I think that that says so much.

That doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limb, whether from a loved one who passed away or somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own. How do they do that? Where do they find them? Please go to StandingWithHope.com slash recycle. StandingWithHope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie.