Respecting The Heart Trauma of Caregiving

Welcome back to Hope of Caregiver here on American Family Radio.

This is Peter Rosenberger. This is the show for you as a family caregiver. Today we are discussing forgiveness and what that means to us as caregivers. Now, those of you who listen to the show regularly know that we've had all types of calls to the show where we've discussed issues similar to this, where we have people calling in who are dealing with horrific situations, whether it's taking care of... In fact, I remember one caller vividly who was taking care of his father who was an abusive alcoholic, and then he's fallen later in life and he's had to take care of him.

His father hadn't stopped drinking. And he said, every time I'm around him, I feel like I'm just a kid again, having to deal with this. And these are not easy things. And these people that will tell you that they, oh yeah, we just forgive him. And you kind of wonder how shallow that's going with them. And I'm not there to lay judgment on them.

I'm just simply saying, I kind of give a little bit of step back on that. I remember one time I was watching on a Christian network, a band was up there playing and they were just rocking out. I mean, they were just going, the bass was thumping and the guitar guy was just, I mean, it just, they were just going at it, dancing around the stage and everything else. And the text that they were singing to all this music that they were playing was, I have been crucified with Christ. I have been crucified.

And they were just thumping on this thing. And I was, I was amazed at the disconnect because what they're saying and what they're doing are not matching up. Do you understand the magnitude of what you're saying that I have been crucified with Christ while you're thumping around on a bass and doing guitar riffs on this and the drummers back there just, you know, in a cage and kicking it. Do you understand what you're saying?

And I think that it's important for us to speak out of intelligence and out of awareness. When we say that we're forgiving someone, it is not some kind of production we do on the evening news. It is not this kind of thing. It is a deliberate thing when you get up in the morning, when you go to bed at night and you walk in this, there are wounds that are so grievous that you do not, you give respect to the wounds by not making this big production about how I've forgiven this person. Nobody needs to even know. They'll know from your demeanor. They'll know from your actions.

This is not necessarily something you need to broadcast out. This is between you and God, really. And maybe that person, but that person may not be around to be even able to engage with it. And they don't have to solicit from you your forgiveness in order for you to give it.

Now, that's always nice. That's part of the reconciliation process. And I remember one time I was dealing with a, found myself embroiled in a church conflict, and there ain't no fight like a church fight, y'all. And I remember this guy got up and said this, and he was a, he was a learned man and he should have known better. Longtime pastor. And he said, there can be no healing without repentance. And afterwards, because I'm who I am and sometimes I get ahead of myself and decide to poke the bear. I pulled him aside and I said, and this guy had me by, I don't know, he's got me by 30 years.

I mean, he's been around a long time and he's like, he's a very learned man. I said, your thing says there can be no healing without repentance is really not accurate. Repentance is for the perpetrator, but healing can occur without someone else repenting of that to the offended party. The offended party can walk in healing. Healing, the forgiveness is what facilitates the healing in the wounded party. And we could be healed through that regardless of what that individual does. There are plenty of people sitting in prisons all over the country who have not repented, but their victims have walked in forgiveness and have gone on to walk in healing through this.

You'd see the difference. And it may seem subtle. It may seem I'm trying to nuance it too much, but for me, it was very important that people understand that, you know, because if you're taking care of somebody with Alzheimer's, for example, they're not going to be able to repent of some of the things that you're still struggling with that they did to you. And I know people in this situation right now, I know people who are taking care of aging parents right this moment today, this morning, who are harboring some very difficult, painful things. And that parent is not able to offer any type of apologies or a reconciliation or repentance or anything. So what is the person supposed to do?

What's the caregiver supposed to do? Well, the only way towards healing for that caregiver is to walk in forgiveness. But that person has not asked for it. They may not even be capable of asking for it.

They may be dead. But can we still walk in forgiveness? And I say to you, yes, we can. And part of this is why I did this hymn today. Mercy there was great and grace was free.

Pardon there was multiplied to me. There my burdened soul found liberty at Calvary. And once we understand that it always starts at the cross, where we ourselves are forgiven, we were forgiven.

We were when we were enemies with God. And he, he gives us through the power of his Holy Spirit, the, the ability to even ask for forgiveness, to repent. Luther said, we have to repent of our repenting.

We don't even know how to repent. Well, And the more we walk in that, the more we're going to understand this concept. But as we walk in forgiveness, we are never minimizing the sin, the offense, the wound. We respect it for what it is.

It is trauma. We don't have to minimize it, but we don't have to preside over its execution or that person's judgment. That is not our responsibility.

And we can keep healthy boundaries and we can trust God to work through these things so that we're not bound to this. Do you, you have any concept, what bitterness and unforgiveness does to your soul? It rots us. It rots us. And I bet you could come up with somebody right now that you know, who's just bitter and kind of just picture that a little bit.

Maybe you're in that place. The grace that was extended to you while you were yet in enmity with God then can flow through you to extend to others. That is the journey towards healing. Even if they don't ask for it, Jesus hung on the cross and said, father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing. They were not asking for, for forgiveness.

They were not repenting and he's extending forgiveness and asking his father for this. Can we appropriate that as caregivers? Yeah, we can. And I would suggest to you that this is the way that we can walk peacefully in the midst of this great sorrow that we have to deal with as caregivers. And we will grieve. We will weep, but we will not grieve in despair or rage. We can mourn over the brokenness without being destroyed by it.

Are you tracking with me? Many of you right now are dealing with horrific wounds that have been leveled on you, that have pierced your soul like nothing else. And it's crippling you. And you're still serving as a caregiver often for the very person who did the wounds. Or you got family and friends who are just brutalizing you in the way you're trying to take care of somebody, but they're not helping you. Or you got a doctor that made a terrible decision or whatever, sent you down a path and you're paying the consequences for it years later.

There's all kinds of scenarios. Maybe you got a pastor that you went to and you were struggling and they just dismissed you and they said something that was just off the cuff or whatever and it leveled judgment. Do you know how many people over, I've been taking care of Gracie 35 years. She's been hurt for 38 years. Do you know how many times we've had bad theology thrown at us? If you had more faith, God would heal you. People have actually said that to my wife.

You can't carry that. It's too much. You know, when Gracie was faced with amputating her right leg, this is her first amputation. And I remember these two ladies came up and I'm trying to disparage anybody, but they told her that she was in rebellion for giving up her leg, that God was going to heal her in June and she's going to give up her leg in March and God was going to heal her and she was in rebellion to do this surgery. Do you realize the kind of hubris that takes from people and what that did to my wife who's 25 years old and she was struggling and I was 20 and we were just kids and we're struggling with this horrific decision of this broken limb and these nut jobs come up and say stuff like that to us. How many of you all have experienced that kind of thing? And you have to walk in forgiveness and realize, I'm not in charge of that. I'm going to keep healthy boundaries. I'm not going to be around these people, but I'm not going to harbor that kind of bitterness. It probably sounds like it as I recounted that story this morning, but I'm not.

It was just a teachable moment and we've moved on past that by many, many, many years, but the point is that's the kind of grievous things that can be done to people, but are we walking in forgiveness with it as we have been forgiven? And that's the path to healthiness for us as caregivers and healthy caregivers make better caregivers. This is Peter Rosenberg. Go to hopeforthecaregiver.com for a podcast, books, music, all that kind of stuff.

It's all available for you. We'll see you next week. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife, Gracie, and recently Peter talked to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen. Gracie, when you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach, did you ever think that inmates would help you do that?

Not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by CoreCivic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all over the country that you put out the plea for, and they're disassembling, you see all these legs, like what you have, your own prosthetic legs and arms. When you see all this, what does that do to you? Makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out. Of course, being in the hospital so much and so long that these men are so glad that they get to be doing, as one band said, something good finally with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled? No, I had no idea.

You know, I thought a peg leg, I thought of wooden legs, I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet and sea legs and all that. I never thought about that. As you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that they're helping other people now walk, they're providing the means for these supplies to get over there, what does that do to you, just on a heart level? I wish I could explain to the world what I see in there and I wish that I could be able to go and say, this guy right here, he needs to go to Africa with us. I never not feel that way.

Every time, you know, you always make me have to leave, I don't want to leave them. I feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that I would have never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had an experience with it, what do you think of the faith-based programs that CoreCivic offers? I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the men that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one, is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't have them and I think that that says so much.

That doesn't have anything to do with me. It just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate a used prosthetic limb, whether from a loved one who passed away or, you know, somebody who outgrew them, you've donated some of your own for them to do. How do they do that? Where do they find them? Please go to standingwithhope.com slash recycle. standingwithhope.com slash recycle. Thanks, Gracie. you