Creating a Relational Legacy, Part 3

You know, how can I know that a relationship that I've had for some time may be coming to an end, whether it's a friendship, an acquaintance relationship? How do you know when this relationship has run its course or it needs to end? Let me just give you a few possible indicators. At the end of the day, you've still got to prayerfully seek out what the Lord wants you to do.

Here are a few possible indicators a relationship may need to end. Hello and welcome to this Friday edition of Destined for Victory with Pastor Paul Shepherd and a very special guest, his wife, Meredith. Earlier this week, Pastor Paul and Meredith showed us some examples of relationships that ended either permanently or temporarily.

And in those examples, it was understood that that was the will of God. Today, instead of showing you, they're going to do some telling. Stay with us now as they tell you how you can recognize in your own life when it's time for a relationship to end. Be sure to visit PastorPaul.net to listen to any of Pastor Paul's recent messages on demand. That's PastorPaul.net.

You can also listen to or subscribe to the Destined for Victory Podcast at Spotify, at Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. But right now, let's join Pastor Paul and Meredith Shepherd for today's Destined for Victory message, Creating a Relational Legacy. This is our final installment of the fireside chat. Hope you've been enjoying it from all the feedback.

It's been really, really helpful. We've been getting great, great feedback that they said we love this practical stuff because it's what helps us become the people God has called us to be. And so this is our final installment in that. The series has been entitled Keeping the End in Mind, and it's based on Psalm 90, verse 10 and 12.

My wife will read those verses for us. The days of our lives are 70 years, and if by reason of strength they are 80 years, yet their boast is only labor and sorrow, for it is soon cut off and we fly away. So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. All right, so what we've been doing is talking about, given the fact that we all have limited time, we want to make sure that we keep the end in mind. And of course, no one is guaranteed to know when you're leaving this earth. So you're not guaranteed 70 or 80 years. Moses, who wrote this passage, simply said that seems to be typical as he looked at the lifespan in his day. The reality is we can leave here today or tomorrow.

There is no guarantee. So you want to live your whole life keeping the end in mind, and we are now talking about how to create a relational legacy, and we want to end the series on relational legacy. Now let me first say that some things we mentioned last week sparked some questions, and some folks wanted to know how can I know that a relationship that I've had for some time may be coming to an end, whether it's a friendship, an acquaintance relationship. How do you know when this relationship has run its course or it needs to end? Let me just give you a few possible indicators.

At the end of the day, you still got to prayerfully seek out what the Lord wants you to do. Here are a few possible indicators a relationship may need to end. Number one, the person's words and actions are more negative than positive. If you've got somebody who is always bringing negativity to you, every conversation is not a good, helpful conversation. You're not edified.

You're not blessed. In some cases, you're flat out depressed. Then that might be a good reason. Second one, you feel worse, not better after spending time with this person. If when you leave me, I feel worse than when you showed up, wait a minute now. So you got to just think through some things. Then one more possible indicator, you find yourself ignoring their texts, not returning their calls, not wanting to make time to spend with the person. If you find yourself looking on the phone and say, oh, then you need to prayerfully evaluate, is this person playing the right role in my life? You just prayerfully work it out. We've talked about those things at length last week.

I don't want to get into that. And pastor, make sure that we underscore we're talking about friendships, not marriage. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Oh, that's my word. I got to go home and tell him he out of here.

No, that's not your word. Don't y'all do that to the pastor and first lady. Yeah, my pastor and first lady told me, you got to go. Don't y'all do that?

Does have somebody running us up in front of Judge Judy and all that stuff? No. Not going to happen that way. All right. Here's how we're going to end this fireside chat.

We got 40 minutes. We want to make good ground. Let's wrap up this chat by examining three topics. Here's the first one, addressing pain from your past. You can't have great current relationships until you work through the problems of past relationships. And when it comes to past problems from the past relationships, any relationship, past marriages, past friendships, being parented, things that happened to you when you were a kid, when you were a preteen of teenager, whatever romantic relationships gone really wrong and bad. Any relationship you can't move forward right until you address the pain of your past. Some people like to just say it's over, but it's not over till it's dealt with. Do y'all understand that some of us are still carrying pain from 20, 30, 40 years ago?

It doesn't leave. It's not like, one of the biggest lies you'll hear is time heals all wounds. That is a lie. Time has no healing agent in it. In fact, if you don't deal with things right, all time does is makes it worse. Why? Because you're moving on, but it's still there.

And if you don't properly deal with an infection and you just say it'll go away, no, it is eating something on the inside and it might very well come back in a much worse form. So we have to deal with our stuff from the past. And I want to make sure that you understand you got to stop and deal with that beforehand. I want to give you just a quick scriptural example. Some of you are aware of this guy in scripture. He's only mentioned in two verses in the whole Bible. His name is Jabez. First Chronicles chapter four verses nine and 10.

Here's what you'll see. Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers and his mother called his name Jabez saying, because I bore him in pain. Verse 10, and Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, oh, that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory that your hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil that I may not cause pain. And the Lord granted his request. What do those two verses tell you?

It tells you a whole lot if you dig in. This boy's mama, oh, and maybe Papa, they got together on it, but his parents decided to name him based on a problem he caused that wasn't his fault. When your mama had trouble bringing you here, she had no business being mad at you once you get here. Make somebody sick. I went down to death's door because of you. You didn't go to death's door because of me. You went to death's door because of y'all.

Come on, let's tell truth now. Y'all the ones that got together and decided I was coming. Or you didn't go to the drugstore and you didn't decide, but I was coming anyway. And that you had trouble at the birth is not my fault. Some of y'all have been parented wrong because your parents took out stuff on you that wasn't your fault. But guess what?

Even though they left you with that legacy, you got to decide what to do with it. And that's why I wanted to point this out as just a biblical example of the fact that we have to address pain from our past. J. Beth said, I'm sick of being called pain.

You imagine that boy starts school and you know the first day of school where everybody giving their name out loud. Pain? Cause pain. Where cause pain at?

Oh, there he is. He had to hear that all his life. Everybody, hey man, yo, cause pain. And you got to deal with that stuff. So please understand the problems of the past didn't disappear because of time.

You got to address them. And it's important to remember we've heard this saying so many times, hurting people hurt people. Sometimes it's the unresolved issues and the unhealed places in your psyche and your soul that cause you to be in a pattern of just dysfunctional behavior thinking. So we as believers can go to God. It says in Psalms 147 and verse three, he heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. You've got to involve God in the healing process because you don't always get the resolution and the healing that you seek or desire when you deal with the person that caused the pain.

Sometimes they're not in a position to help you work through or they may not own what they have done. So you've got to involve the Lord. He is the great physician. It says, uh, while the old folks say he's a heart fixer and a mind regulator. So we've got to have our hearts bound up where they are broken and we need a renewed mind to start thinking in a renewed and a reformed way so that we can break the cycle of pain and abuse. And notice what J.

Best did. He was saddled with that name and he lived with it for years and years. But at a certain point, verse 10, he says, he says, Lord, I need you to get involved in this. I need you to walk me out of the limitation and label that my parents put on me. Now, you know, some of us, I have lived and we're now adults, but still living with limitations and labels. Somebody put on you. Some of you, if it wasn't your parents, it was, uh, some significant other, somebody you got involved with and once they started trying to control you and control people control you by trying to put a label on you. And if you own it, you'll live up to it. And you ever had anybody, you had a relationship with somebody that said, you ain't nothing. Well, you thought I was something enough to be in a relationship with me. Now what you're trying to do is control and manipulate me.

And it's up to you to decide that labels are not going to live any longer in your life and limitations that people put on you simply don't apply. So you have to do what Jabez did. He asked the Lord to bless him by blessing him in deed. That means Lord bless me big time.

Bless me big time. I want you to give me a whopper of a blessing Lord. So much so instead of being limited as I move forward in my life, expand my territory. Did you see that first Chronicles four, he said, Lord expand my territory.

And he said, Lord, and I don't want to continue to cause pain. I want to be a blessing everywhere I go. I want to be so blessed. I'm conspicuously blessed. Everybody know I'm blessed.

Everybody. Up next, the rest of today's destined for victory message with pastor Paul Shepard. We want to thank all of you whose prayers and financial support helped pastor Paul share the gospel all over the world.

Your donations do make a difference. So as God leads, prayerfully consider making a generous gift to destined for victory today. You know, sometimes God can heal our past relational wounds miraculously, but more often than not, he works through other people to get the job done. Let's join pastor Paul and Meredith for the second half of today's destined for victory message, creating a relational legacy. Now my wife brought up the fact that some of us have to deal by dealing with the pain of the past.

We have to do something that doesn't come native to the natural. You've got to get this out, the spiritual, which is forgive. Some of us have been abused, neglected, or otherwise harmed by people in our past, whoever those people were, and you're going to have to intentionally get help to work through that and to forgive them. God will help you work through it. A good friend and a good therapist, a good pastor, somebody can help you work through some of those things and you need to do that. Christians, stop acting like God has to do everything when he's put giftings and callings in the body of Christ to help you.

It is God, but it's God through people who can help you. We have no business being anti-therapists anymore than we're anti-physician. If you need a operation and you don't get the divine healing, I believe that God going to remove it.

He can, but if he doesn't remove it supernaturally, let him remove it naturally through the gifting of physicians and what they have learned to help you get better. I just wanted to add, because this has been something that's been perpetuated in the African American community, the shame and the stigma of seeking out therapy. Beloved, you need to get a good therapist. As black folks, you all need to go see a good therapist and stop living under the stigma of the shame that comes with seeking out help. We can't do everything on our own. You get help for everything else. You go get your hair done, your nails did, you just find help for when you're ill, you go to the doctor, you let people treat you, you go to the dentist when you have a toothache, you should. And when you have issues, psychological issues, deep-seated soul issues, sometimes you just need a therapist to help connect the dots, unlock the locks, and just free you and liberate you.

I've told you time and time again, I had a wonderful therapist up until a few months ago because she retired, but some of these issues, especially if they're deeply rooted and longstanding and you can't work it out on your own or by yourself in prayer, Jesus and therapy is an awesome combination. That's good. So some of you are going to have to forgive. You really, you literally are not going to be good for relationships moving forward, all the relationships we've been talking about the past two sessions.

You won't be good in any of them if you are carrying the baggage of unforgiveness. So you need, you say, what does it have to do with my relationships now? It has everything to do with them.

Because until you get healed, you're going to be a broken person trying to be in a good relationship. And good relationships require people who are working on their stuff. All y'all got stuff. Everybody got stuff.

Nobody, I don't know who he's talking about because it's certainly not me. If you think you don't have stuff, trust me, you got stuff. Because you just showed it by thinking you don't have any. Some of us need good, need to build good friendships. And one of the things, I've said it a lot, but let me say it, one of the good, good traits of a friend that you let in and say, look, your job is to be iron sharpening iron, according to Proverbs.

You're supposed to make me sharper and better. So don't let me trip and I don't know it. When you see me tripping, say something.

You're my friend. Don't say it in front of everybody. You just come say, can I see you for a minute? Take me aside and say, you tripping. Some of y'all don't have people who tell you about yourself.

Because anybody who tried to tell you, you shunned them. And then I'm done. That's negative. You say it yourself, Pastor, no negative. That's not negative. Not everybody who cuts you is negative. Say what you mean. An enemy with a knife, that's negative.

A doctor with a scalpel, that's positive. Because they're going to give me anesthesia, they're going to cut out what needs to go, and then they're going to get me back together and I'm better off than I was before. This is good.

Y'all should be throwing money, whatever. All right. One more thing about forgiveness. What do I do about people who are defiant? You ever try to tell somebody they offended you? We talked in the first session about Matthew 18, go and show. You offended me, you hurt me, whatever. Go and show.

Tell them very plainly what they did. Now, you have some folk who are defiant. I ain't do that. Get out of my face. You ever run into that?

If you haven't, keep on living. Some people are in denial. No, I never did that.

I don't know what you're talking about. You can tell them an exact incident and they say, no, that didn't happen. I've had people who tell me, told me something didn't happen that I'm explaining to them happened. So you deal with people who are defiant and denial or have total disregard. Yeah, it happened. I don't care. There are those people too. Yeah, I said it.

And it looked like they were ready to fight. What do you do, pastor, with those kinds of people? You release them to forgive. The Greek word forgive means to send. So what do I do when I forgive?

I send. Well, where do I send something when people are denying it or defiant or whatever? I send it to God. That's still forgiveness. I don't forgive you. If you hurt me and you won't even admit you hurt me, I won't look at you and say, I forgive you. I have never forgiven anybody who didn't say they did something wrong.

That's a waste. Forgiveness is a gift. I only give that gift to people who ask for it. I'm sorry, would you please forgive me?

Bam, here you are. But if I say, I give it to you, you've got my face. I still got to send it, but instead of sending it to them, I send it to God.

Where did you get that passed? I got it from Jesus. Jesus on the cross said, Father, do what? Forgive them.

Why? They don't know what they're doing. He wasn't carrying that to the grave. He said, Father, you forgive them.

They're killing me, so I'm not going to tell them. He didn't lean down and say, I forgive all y'all. What did he do? He talked to the Father. He said, Father, you forgive them because they don't know what they're doing.

Later on, the first Christian martyr, Stephen, being stoned, what did he do before he died? He said, Father, lay not this sin to their charge. See, you can always forgive if I can't give you the gift because in order for you to get it, you've got to repent. Don't look at people who are hurting you, talking about, I forgive you. No, you're not. You're not even sorry.

You're sorry I'm not dead yet. So you've got to make sure to send it somewhere, send it to God. And I love the scripture, 2 Timothy chapter 4 and verse 14. The great apostle Paul said to a young Timothy, Alexander the coppersmith did me much evil. He did me much harm. And then he says, the Lord will repay him for what he has done.

He was pointing out a problem person, a toxic person. And he didn't say, now, Alexander the coppersmith, he did me much evil. Now this what we fixing to do to get back at him. He didn't do that. Sometimes in our flesh, that's the response.

That's how we feel. But he said, the Lord will pay him back. The Lord will repay him for what he has done.

So it's not a matter of letting someone off the hook. You send the offense away. You give it to God. God will handle it. Amen.

Now that's the first of the three things we want to talk about as we wrap up this fireside chat. That'll help you address pain from your past. It's true that past wounds can sometimes cause us to build walls of self protection in our present relationships.

Remember when you build walls to keep other people out, you're also keeping yourself in. And when you do, you can't be in the will of God at the same time. If you need prayer today for a current relationship that needs healing or for any reason at all, the Destined for Victory Ministry team would like to join you in prayer. From the homepage at pastorpaul.net, use the contact feature to let us know how we can pray for you. And while you're there, be sure to ask for Pastor Paul's monthly letter of encouragement, yours at no cost or obligation. In appreciation of your generous gift today, Pastor Paul will send you a booklet that goes hand in hand with the message you're hearing, Creating a Relational Legacy. Pastor Paul and Meredith spent three days talking about what God says about how we can improve and strengthen our personal relationships. And that's the message you heard today and will continue to hear. This booklet highlights the major themes in that message.

It's called Creating a Relational Legacy. It's our gift to you this month by request for your generous gift to Destined for Victory. Just call us at 855-339-5500 or visit pastorpaul.net to make a safe and secure donation online or mail your gift to Destined for Victory, Post Office Box 1767, Fremont, California 94538.

Once again, the address is Destined for Victory, Box 1767, Fremont, California 94538. Your life is not over because somebody else died or somebody hurt you. You've got to move forward with your life. So what do we do? To move on, we resolve. You make up your mind. Quit waiting to feel, I just feel so horrible.

Yeah, do something to stop feeling horrible. That's next time in Pastor Paul and Meredith Shepherd's message, Creating a Relational Legacy. But until then remember, He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. In Christ, you are Destined for Victory.