Dear Gary - October

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" . We've been talking with Dr. Gary Chapman, the author of the mega successful book, "The 5 Love Languages" . The need to feel loved by the significant people in your life is the deepest emotional need we have. My boyfriend and I read it together and we quickly realized like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale because we took the quizzes. I'm on with the Gary Chapman. I mean love languages and I'm right here in the middle of it.

I don't believe this. Words of affirmation! It's time to open the phone lines and hear your questions about the love languages, your marriage, singles issues and more today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Should I still care and try to meet somebody? He feels like I'm trying to control him and probably at times I have. She's unsure of whether or not to be in a relationship with me or not. I don't want it to be over. I'm trying to save my marriage.

I need some help. Welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . Today it's our Dear Gary broadcast for October 31st, complete with new questions from our listener line. Oh, do we have some great questions that have come in recently?

I am eager to hear Dr. Chapman answer them. But before we do that, each week we have a featured resource that we put on the website fivelovelanguages.com. And today it's The Grumbler's Guide to Giving Thanks, Reclaiming the Gifts of a Lost Spiritual Discipline. It's written by Dustin Crowe.

And again you can find out more about it at fivelovelanguages.com. You know, Chris, with Thanksgiving coming up in about a month, a book like this, in which he deals with the biblical idea of thanksgiving, is really, really helpful. I'm excited about this. And let's face it, in our culture, man, we need a revival of gratitude, you know? Amen. We're grumbling and complaining about so many things, and yet there's so much to be thankful for.

So I'm excited about this book. It's easier to grumble, isn't it, Gary? I mean, it's easier to look at the negative and what's going on in our lives rather than to see, put it in perspective, I think. Yeah, I think you're exactly right. You know, by nature we tend to see the things that are wrong in the world and wrong in our life, you know, rather than to see the things that, hey, this is okay, this is good. Maybe Thanksgiving will help the whole country turn more to a spirit of looking for the positive rather than the negative.

Yes. And getting that reframing, I think, in my own life, I've seen God has dragged me kicking and streaming through some really hard things. And when I look back on it, I say, you know, that was really good for my heart, for my soul. I see transformation on the inside because God allowed this or placed this obstacle. So if you go to FiveLoveLanguages.com today, you'll see the Grumblers Guide to Giving Thanks, Reclaiming the Gifts of a Lost Spiritual Discipline, written by Dustin Crowe.

Just go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. All right, Gary, let's open the floodgates of the phone calls. And here's a single man with an interesting question. My question is, I've been married twice, single 20 years, and I've been in different relationships. At 65 and a half, should I try to strive to get another relationship? And number one, my relationship to the Lord, should I still care and try to meet somebody?

Thank you. Well, that's an interesting question. You know, my first thought would be, he said he'd been married twice before. And my question would be, did the spouses die or was it a divorce? And if it was divorce, I would try to look back and say, why? You know, what happened there?

And how much of that maybe was me? Make it a time of, you know, really analyzing where you are and what's happened in the past. But also, Chris heard him say he's been married for, been single now for 20 years. And at the age of 65 or so, he's thinking, should I be even looking for another relationship? So, you know, I don't think anyone can answer that question for someone else. I think it's something we all have to grapple with. I'm glad he mentioned his relationship with God, because let's face it, that's the most important relationship no matter what age you are. But as we get older, you know, we think more and more about the spiritual reality. And so I'm glad that he has a relationship with God.

And I would say certainly focus on that, you know, pursue that. And ask God to show you how to be investing your time and your energy in helping other people. And, you know, it's often as God leads us in helping other people that we do discover someone, you know, and we wake up and say, hey, maybe God has brought us together in this service project.

And we get to know each other and it does lead to marriage. So I wouldn't close the door on marriage at the age of 65 or so. But I would focus on asking God to show you how best to invest your life in helping others. After all, that's the central theme of the Christian lifestyle, is serving others. So reach out to serve others.

You're going to find a lot of satisfaction in doing that. And if in that context or some other context God brings someone into your life, just be open to it. But the other thing I would say is don't rush to marriage.

If you do discover someone, you both have an interest in each other, take some time. You know, just walk and don't run into a new marriage. Would your answer be any different to a 65-year-old woman in the same situation?

I think, Chris, it would be basically the same. A lot depends, of course, on the person themselves. And there are some people that really, they have a hard time just living alone. You know, they really want to be with somebody.

But again, we can have deep relationships with people and meaningful relationships with people that don't lead to marriage. But I think at the age of 65, you know, I at least keep open to the possibility. You know what my wife told me, Chris? She said, honey, if you, I asked her one day, I said, honey, if I die, you think you'd remarry? She said, no, I'm not going to train another one. That's the best line I've heard all day, all year I think.

That's really good. And I think that there is a certain sense, though, that as health improves and people live longer, 65 is not, and maybe I'm projecting here, but 65 is not as old as when I was growing up. 65 was ancient, and now 65 doesn't seem that old to me.

No, I think you're exactly right. In fact, just today, this morning, I celebrated the 60th birthday of a colleague of mine on our church staff. And one of the friends reminded him, you know, 60 is the new 40.

And there's some truth to that, yeah. Well, there's the answer from Dr. Gary Chapman. And if you want to find out more about him, take an assessment of your love language.

Go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. And if you want to ask a question on the program, 866-424-GARY, we won't take your call live. But maybe on a future program, you'll hear an answer. 866-424-GARY. Here's another single listener who has a question about what to do when there's distance between two people in a relationship.

Hi, Gary. I was wondering what to do when my girlfriend or wife is starting to become distant. She feels like she needs to be alone.

By alone, I mean single. And what do I do? She's unsure of whether or not to be in a relationship with me or not. Well, you know, the interesting thing to learn would be why she feels that way. You know, is there something has happened in the relationship that she has realized, in her mind at least, this is not going to work for us?

Or maybe, it depends on how long you've been dating her, you know, the average lifespan of what we typically call being in love or falling in love is two years. And often, couples will date for two years and then one of them will come down off that high before the other one does. And when they come down off that emotional high, they no longer have those euphoric feelings, like, you know, you're the most wonderful person in the world. They now begin to see reality. And sometimes, they begin to withdraw from a relationship because they've lost those, you know, what we would call love feelings. And they're seeing a few red flags waving.

So, that may be part of it. Another question I would have is, you know, whether or not she has been married before. I mean, if she's gone through a poor marriage and, you know, been mistreated or whatever, and here she is now maybe in a second relationship, dating relationship, she's thinking twice, maybe three times, before she would move toward that relationship. So, if she's open to still have conversations with you, and sometimes people are and sometimes they're not, but I would just ask questions and try to understand what's going on inside of her, you know, what has led her to this decision to want to draw back from the relationship. You know, we can't force another person to like us or to want to spend time with us.

But the more we can learn about where they're coming from and what's going on, not try to talk them out of it, but try to understand them, the better we will be able to handle it. Because if you can understand better what's going on inside of her heart and her mind, maybe it can give you a sense of peace. I know that any time someone breaks up with us, it's hard. It's emotionally hard when you've been close to someone, dated someone for a time and have strong feelings for her or him, and the other one draws back. It's a painful time. Remember this, God can use even the pain to draw you closer to himself.

So keep open to what God might be teaching you through this experience. So in a sense, this is a gift that she's giving, even though it's really, really a hard gift, to ask really deep questions about the relationship that might lead you further together. It might find out something that draws her back to him, or it might be a defining moment in the relationship that says, this can't go any further. But overall, it can lead to some kind of a positive thing between them, right?

I think so, Chris. And the other factor is, if there's something about him that has caused her to draw back, if he's willing to ask and let her share that with him, it could help him even if the relationship doesn't go forward. If he can see something about himself that he didn't see, that she sees, and it can help him say, okay, Lord, help me. I need to make some corrections here.

I need to have some growth in this area. Any time we get disappointed and someone points out something about us that has kind of turned them off, we need to take it as what you said, a gift, and say, Lord, I want to learn from this experience. It's painful, but I want to learn because I really need to change that if I'm going to have a relationship with anyone that's meaningful.

So I'd say try to learn something from it. This is our Dear Gary broadcast for October, and here's a situation that I think a lot of couples may identify with in their marriage. Hi, Gary. I'm calling because my husband and I have had an ongoing struggle, and I feel like at the heart of this struggle is his need for freedom, my need to feel prioritized and loved. I know it's not a completely uncommon issue, but, you know, he has suddenly quit living by a budget. This included buying a car that we had not saved money for.

During the coronavirus and all of these restrictions, he has continued to live pretty much a normal life and come and go as he pleases. I felt very not safe. He feels like I'm trying to control him, and probably at times I have tried to control him. I just wanted to get your advice. How can I help support my husband's need for freedom, which I recognize is a real need, but still be reasonable?

I don't know. I feel like he's just kind of taken it to extremes. Right now I'm trying to not express that anger because it's been very destructive, and he really needs a lot of words of affirmation, and so I don't know.

It's not good on a number of levels. And so I would appreciate any advice you could give me about that situation. Thanks so much, Gary. Well, I can have a lot of empathy for what this wife is saying, and it's not an uncommon problem in relationships. It can be either the wife who has a desire for freedom or the husband who has a desire for more freedom.

And freedom is sometimes a misnomer. It's feeling that you're not controlled by the other person, that you can make some decisions on your own. Now, in a healthy marriage, a husband doesn't go out and buy a car without discussing with his wife, okay?

At least that's my opinion. We're in this thing together, and togetherness means we discuss things, especially things that big, before we make the decision. It'd be interesting to know if this problem has been there since the beginning of the marriage or if it's something that's happened, if they've been married for 20 years and it's only happened the last five years. If it's only happened the last five years, my question would be, is there something inside of him that's going on that he is dissatisfied in the marriage relationship and he's trying to find meaning somewhere else? So one of my questions would be, what is he doing with his so-called freedom? Where is he going? Is he into sports?

Is he with a group of guys, or does it involve drinking and alcohol? What is he doing with his desire to be away from you and doing other things? That could be a real key to what's going on here, because if he's going through what's sometimes called a mid-life crisis, but it can come anytime in life, in which he's really struggling with the meaning in his marriage and the satisfaction in his marriage and feeling maybe he's not accomplishing what he needs to accomplish in life and he's trying to find meaning, all of that, his relationship with God, all of that's a factor in what's going on inside of him.

Now here's the other dynamic. This wife said that she's been complaining a lot, she's been angry a lot, she's been expressing apparently negative words to him, and his love language, she said, is words of affirmation. So essentially, that behavior is driving him further away, because if his love language is words of affirmation, but all he hears from his wife is condemnation and often expressed in anger toward him, he wants to stay away more.

Who wants to come home to hear that? But the real answer is finding out what's going on inside of him. You see, what she is saying is going on inside of her is hurt. She's feeling that he really doesn't love her. He really doesn't make her a priority in his life. There's something else out there that's priority in his life. And that's not a good feeling for a wife to have. I mean, it's obviously something is going on that's painful for her.

So she has a right to be concerned about this, but to express that concern in anger simply makes things worse. Ideally, I would hope that both of you would be willing to go for counseling and just sit down with a pastor or counselor and say, help us figure this out. Now, if he's not willing or open to go for counseling, that might be another clue that something's going on here that's not really positive. So without knowing more about what motivates him to be away from you more than to be with you, it's hard for me to say what you could do. I would just say call a truce on giving him what I call verbal bombs. Just no matter how painful you feel, just don't throw negative, harsh, angry words out at him because that's really driving him further away. Look for some positive things that you can thank him for. You know, the book we're featuring this week is on gratitude.

It'd be a good book for you to read. Look for some positive things about him and give him positive words because if words of affirmation is his love language, that's the most meaningful thing you could do to draw him to yourself would be give him positive words. I don't mean positive words about what he's doing, but positive words about things you do like about him. The more he hears you giving affirming words, this draws him to you. The more likely he wants to go home because he knows he's going to be affirmed by you. So that's one of the most powerful things you could do to influence him. And once you've done that for a while, he might be open to explain to you more fully what he feels and why he feels he must, you know, go do whatever he's doing.

So I would try that, and if you don't make some progress there, I really would encourage you to reach out for counseling. I like her spirit, and of course she's been able to formulate the question and everything for a voicemail to Gary, and she knows it's going to be on the radio. So there is a certain sense that she's putting it as well as she possibly can, but I hear an openness in her voice to say, look, I may be a big part of the situation here, and I want to move forward. I want to move toward him. I want our relationship to work. I like that. I like what I'm hearing there, don't you?

I do, I do. I think her attitude was positive, and she was acknowledging that she knew in the past she's lashed out in anger toward him. And I think just putting all that in perspective is to, whenever there's a relationship and there's a fracture in the relationship and we're hurt, we experience anger. There's nothing wrong about that. It's normal to feel anger, but it's how we handle the anger, how we respond in anger. We respond in anger in harsh words in a critical way. Again, it makes things worse rather than better. But to express concern and to ask, you know, could we talk about this?

Could you explain this to me? But that needs to come after she stopped giving the negative words and been giving positive words for a while, far more likely to be received if she waits a bit. This is our Dear Gary broadcast for the last day of October. And if you want to ask a question of Gary, 866-424-GARY is the number.

Leave your message. Maybe you'll hear an answer on a future broadcast, 866-424-GARY. A lot of married couples say, okay, what's the next step? What would be best for us? Would separation be a good course of action in our situation? Let's see what Dr. Chapman thinks about this question.

Hey, Gary. My husband, that he has narcissistic tendencies, not thinking that he's the full blown disorder, but we've been 13 years and it's been a difficult time. Finally, at one point did a short separation, did some new set of counseling. They felt that separation wasn't the way to go, that that was a dangerous way to do it. But other counselors have suggested that emotional pain that will make him want to get help, wondering what you would suggest, can't solve any problems, you know, rage always is the occurrence.

There's no problem solving or conflict resolution. I feel used in sex because only his needs are important. My emotional needs aren't. The pastor that I've counseled with or the counseling pastor at church, his feeling is wait and see if God doesn't open up a way for the marriage to be over basically is what he was saying. I don't want it to be over if there's anything I can do to work to bring us together. I just don't want to miss doing something that I could do. Thanks so much, Gary.

I appreciate your help. Bye. Well, I think anyone with any sense of empathy would certainly feel for this wife. When you're in a relationship where the person is so self-centered and life totally revolves around them and their needs and you don't see the attitude of love, of how can I meet your needs, it can be very, very painful, especially over a long period of time. You know the old saying, you cannot change your spouse. That is very true. But here's what many people overlook. You can influence your spouse.

And the most powerful way to influence your spouse in a positive way is to speak their primary love language on a regular basis, even if they're not responding to you. Remember this, God loved us before we loved God. The Bible says he loved us and sent Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. So let's just say your husband's a sinner.

I'm not talking about his relationship with God now. I'm just talking about, you know, he's not reaching out to you. The most powerful thing you can do to influence him is to love him in his love language. So rather than complaining about his behavior, because you've said you haven't been able to talk or work anything out, if you speak his love, I'd give you a challenge. For six months, if you know his love language, if you don't know it, let's find it. You know, maybe he'll at least take the free quiz at fivelovelanguages.com and tell you his love language.

Or you can read the book and there's ideas on how to figure it out. You say, God, I'm going to love him the way you loved me when I was a sinner, and I'm going to love him in the right love language for six months. I'm not going to make any complaints. I'm just going to love him for six months and see what happens. I've seen over and over again that that person will begin to warm up. They'll begin to start saying things like, anything I could do to help you? Now, you see, they're feeling affirmed by you. They're feeling loved by you because you're speaking their love language, whatever it is. And now they're beginning to reach out to you.

Now, I can't guarantee you that that will happen, that they will reciprocate. But that would be when, if separation is going to be a helpful part of the process, it would be after there's been a six-month period in which you have not criticized him, but you've spoken his love language fully on a regular basis. Then you can say to him, you know, honey, I don't know how you feel about us, but I feel like over the last six months I've given you everything I can, and I've tried to love you in the best way I know how. And it seems to me that you really don't care about me. I'm going to go for counseling, and I'm going to ask you to go with me. But if you want, I'm going anyway because I'm having a hard time with this. You go for counseling, and maybe he will go with you. Maybe he won't, but maybe he will. And then you keep loving him in the right love language.

And if he doesn't go for counseling with you, a month later or so, you can say to him, you know, honey, it appears to me that you really don't care about our relationship. And I love you too much to sit here and do nothing. So I'm going to move in with my mother, or whatever you choose to do. I'm not abandoning you. I just love you too much to sit here and do nothing. I'm not leaving you. I'm not talking divorce.

But I have to have some relief from this because I feel like you really don't care about me. And then you follow through with that, and you say to him, when you go for counseling and you get some help with this problem, I'm fully willing to join you in marriage counseling after that. And then you do that, and he wakes up and says, hmm, wow, I'm about to lose something.

I'm about to lose something that's been wonderful. And that's often what motivates a person. This often happens, this same principle happens when a husband, or a wife for that matter, is an alcoholic or a drug addict. They typically do not reach out for help until they're about to lose something that's been important to them. But see, here's the common situation. A person in your situation will condemn him and argue and say negative things and not speak their love language for a year or two years sometimes. And then they say, I'm sick and tired of this.

I'm getting out of here. And they say, good riddance, because they're tired of all the condemnation, all the negative words. But see, you love them for six months in the right love language. You replace grumbling with gratitude for six months. Now they've got something to lose. And that's when temporary separation can be a positive step and a loving step in a relationship. A spouse says, I don't want to be married anymore. Some people are experiencing that right now. What can you do? Here's our next caller.

Hey, Gary. I read "The 5 Love Languages" . I've been married for 16 years, together with my wife for 18.

Tremendous amount of care for other family members, parents, siblings, through illnesses and deaths. Instead of focusing on Lori and I, we focused on other people, and our marriage has suffered. Unfortunately, my wife came to me and said her feelings have changed, and she doesn't want to be married anymore.

It's definitely not my decision. I'm trying to save my marriage. I've moved out of the house. I'm living close by.

I've been out for about two months. I need some help. I read the book. I wish I would have read it. Days before we got married would have changed our marriage significantly, I know that. I don't think Lori wants to read the book or go to counseling at this point. I'm trying to get some help to get us both to a good marriage counselor in our area.

Thanks for your help, Gary. Bye-bye. Well, it's very painful when a spouse says, you know, I don't love you anymore, or I don't have feelings for you anymore, and I think we need to separate. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore.

That's very, very painful. You know, again, you can't make her come back. You can't make her agree to go for counseling or make her read a book. I wish she could read the book, "The 5 Love Languages" , because it probably would explain to her why she feels the way she does, because she probably could look back on her marriage and realize how, you know, she hasn't felt love because you haven't been speaking her love language, just like maybe you haven't felt love because she hasn't spoken your language.

Here's what I would try. What if a common friend, someone you know as her close friend, if you said to them, would you be willing to give this book to my wife? Don't tell her that I gave it to you and ask you to give it to her. Just tell her that you've read it, and please, if you haven't read it, read it first. Tell her you've read it, and you just thought that might be helpful, might help her understand her situation. If it comes from a friend, she may be more likely to read it, and if she starts reading it, I have an idea she'll finish reading it, because it's really speaking to that deepest need that we have, and that's the need to feel loved. I think that would be worth a try, is have a third party, give her the book and tell her how much it meant to them, and they think it might be helpful to her.

That would be my first step. The second step, I think, would be to, when you are with her, if indeed she allows you to be with her, like if maybe you have dinner once in a while, or your phone call, and I don't know if there's children involved here or not, but when you are in her presence, be kind to her, treat her with respect and dignity, don't criticize her for what she's doing to the marriage, don't make her feel like it's all her fault. The other thing I would say is, there is a place for you to apologize to her. You said you wish you had read the Love Language book many, many years earlier, and you look back and realize you would have done some things differently. I think maybe to acknowledge that to her, and just say, honey, you know, I realize that I failed you in a lot of ways.

You and I were both giving to our parents and other people, helping other people, and I didn't make you a priority, and I missed you emotionally. And I want to apologize for that. Whatever happens in the future, I want to apologize for my failure in this relationship. And anything that you specifically know that you did or didn't do, apologize for it, and just ask her to forgive you.

Now, that's not going to necessarily immediately turn her around, but it's going to cause her to go away and think, wow, I haven't heard this before. She's going to feel differently to you after you apologize. And she may say, I'll forgive you, but that's not going to change my mind.

Okay, that's where she is. You just accept that and say, well, honey, I appreciate your forgiveness because I really, really realize that I failed you. And I hurt because I know I hurt you. So when she sees that kind of empathy in you, where you're feeling her pain, again, it does something inside of her to say, maybe something good is happening to him. And then I would go for counseling.

If I were you, I'd go by myself if she won't go with you, because you need somebody to be sharing your hurt and your pain and your struggle in this. And a pastor or a counselor can help you do that. And at some juncture, at any juncture, tell her, I'm happy, honey, I would be happy. I'm open to go for counseling if you ever change your mind.

But the time that you do have with her, make it as positive as you can and affirm her for her faithfulness in ministering to other people through the marriage relationship and whatever positive things she's done for you, affirm those things. So what I guess what I'm saying is try to create a positive atmosphere and try to grow yourself. Now, I did write a book called One More Try, What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart, which is another book in addition to "The 5 Love Languages" that I think you might find helpful. So I would suggest that you read that as well. One More Try.

And you can find information about that if you go to FiveLoveLanguages.com. That's a really deep struggle that we just heard about, Gary. Now, let's go to a parent slash grandparent who's going through a really difficult time. And I don't want to put pressure on you, but she says, you tell me what to do. I'll follow it. So here we go.

Hi, Gary. Approximately 10 years ago, my daughter-in-law accused me of doing something that I did not do. And since then, neither my son nor my daughter-in-law make any contacts with me. And I have two grandchildren that I do not see or hear from. I have written three letters to my son to express my love and feelings and to ask for the chance for us to talk and reconcile. He has not responded to my letters.

I invite them to family gatherings on holidays, and they do usually come. It is sad that my son treats me like a stranger, and he does not respond to me when I ask him a question unless he asks her first. I have talked with my pastor to ask him for guidance in the matter. And it's come to the place that surrendering this to the Lord and waiting on him seems to be the only advice.

I do pray daily, and I beg God to open the door for us to be reconciled. My husband died three years ago with a broken heart over the situation. And I need to make some decisions about moving to be closer to one of my other children as I grow older. I listen to your program each Saturday morning, and I'm calling now in hopes that you might have some advice.

I'm truly at a loss, and I am willing to try whatever advice you might give. Thank you so much. Well, Chris, as a grandparent myself, I can feel the pain of this grandmother. You know, two grandchildren she can't see, and a son who will not relate to her, and a daughter-in-law who will not relate to her.

I've never been through that personally, but I've seen this more than once in my office. And it is really, really sad. You know, as you get older, you hope that your children are going to be there for you. They're going to love you, support you, and be around for you.

And if you have grandchildren, you certainly hope that you can spend time with the grandchildren. And it's painful when you cannot. Boy, I wish there was a silver bullet here on what to do, but I don't think there is. You see, your heart is open. The fact that you wrote three letters to him trying to share your heart and your hurt and so forth is positive. And yet he didn't respond to those three letters. It does seem that he's deeply committed to his wife.

You said that he would ask her before he would say or do anything for you or whatever. Well, I hope they have a good marriage. I hope he doesn't feel that his wife is controlling him. I hope they have a good marriage.

It would be even sadder if they didn't. You know, don't underestimate the power of prayer. I know we say pray about it, but prayer is a powerful tool of God. I don't fully understand prayer. But just as teaching is a ministry, prayer is also a ministry.

It's a way to touch people's heart even though you don't talk to them. You talk to God for them on their behalf. So praying that God will open his heart and open his mind to the possibility of a relationship with you again, and praying for that daughter-in-law who accused you of something that you didn't do, praying for her that God would somehow touch her heart and open her heart and her mind. That's a powerful way to influence them because God says, ask and you'll receive.

And I believe that God does use prayer to touch the hearts of people. So I would strongly, and I know you're probably doing that already, but I would strongly encourage you not to give up in praying for them. I think the second thing, I'm glad to hear that you still invite them to the holidays, and I'm glad to hear that they apparently come to the holiday celebration even though they apparently don't have any conversation with you, or not anything in-depth anyway. At least you get to see the grandchildren when there's a holiday situation.

And I'm assuming that you buy holiday gifts. If it's Christmas, you buy a holiday gift for them. That would be for the kids especially. And I would hope that on their birthday, you send them a gift, and along with a little card about how proud you are of the children, again, depending on their age. But I think reaching out to the children, particularly on their birthdays, and acknowledging that would be a positive thing for you to do. Sending your son a birthday card.

And if you know his wife's birthday, send her a birthday card. You see, it's just those little things throughout the year in which you reach out to them and let them know that you're still here, and that you love them, and that you're thinking about them. Those things, over a period of time, God can use to touch their hearts. And only God knows how to break through to the heart of your son and your daughter-in-law.

Only God knows what would touch their hearts deeply and make them open to the relationship. But it sounds to me like you've done about as much as you can do, other than the things I've just talked about, or continuing the things I've just talked about. And then, as your pastor said, put it in God's hands. We can only do so much. You know, the prodigal son, his father, could not make him come home. And you know his heart was broken, but he couldn't make his son come home. But God brought his son to the end of the road in the pig pen, and he said, I'd be better off back home. And so, you know, God has a way of bringing people around where we can't.

We can't, but he can't. So, yeah, I would say don't give up. Don't give up. And in terms of whether you move to live closer to another child of yours or not, I mean, of course, that's the decision you can make. It's not one necessarily you have to make immediately. But, I mean, that'll be up to you, ultimately, what you do on that.

But it sounds like you're living close to the one who is ostracized from you and maybe some distance from the other child. But those are my thoughts. And I wish I had something that I could just say, if you do this, this will happen. But I can't. But I do believe that God can work in their hearts and there can be reconciliation. I've seen it.

I've seen it happen with people I've worked with in my office. Not, again, that I gave them any magic bullet. But they were willing to be patient and they were willing to reach out and express love and concern over an extended period of time. One other resource, four weeks ago, we had Dr. Erwin Lutzer on, talking about a practical guide for praying parents and, in relation, grandparents as well.

And I would suggest that for you to go through this daily if you need some real help in hanging in there in prayer. And, Gary, we have a real good couple that we know who went through this very same thing. As a matter of fact, their children, their son and daughter-in-law, moved out of the country and took the grandkids and said, we don't want to see you anymore, that kind of thing. And they hung in there in prayer and they just committed this to God. They also honored the request, don't call us, don't get in touch with us. They honored that request and now, years later, it's been a long time, years later, the thaw is beginning and they have a relationship with their grandkids again.

So I agree with you, don't underestimate. Go to the website, fivelovelanguages.com. You can find out more. You can even hear that program with Dr. Erwin Lutzer. A practical guide for praying parents.

Find out more at fivelovelanguages.com. Gary, we had an email from someone asking a very short terse question that I think you'll read between the lines. What do you do when your spouse abuses you verbally and psychologically and he's a pastor? You know, Chris, I think it's very difficult when the person that is not only the pastor of the church but is your pastor, if you're his wife, speaks to you in demeaning ways and harsh ways and painful and hurtful ways when he's to be God's leader of the flock. Very painful when you're married to that pastor and he's treating you that way.

You know, again, I wish I had a perfect answer for that that would just simply turn things around. But I do think there is a time and there is a place to say to him, honey, I had a thought the other day and I just want to share this with you and just let you think about it. If every husband in our church treated his wife the way you treat me, would you be happy with that? And just let him ponder on that.

He probably won't give you an answer unless if he's really aggressive, he'll come back and again verbally abuse you for asking the question. If he does that, I'd say it's a serious, serious problem because you're disposing a question and asking him to ponder on it. If a pastor would do that, I think a pastor would make some changes. You know, through the years I asked myself that question. If every parent, if every father in my church treated their children the way I treat my children, would I be happy with that?

It's sobering. It makes you think and you can make some course corrections and the same thing true with your spouse. If every person in the church treated their spouse the way I treat mine.

So I would say pose that question. Now, if you've been real critical with him over a long period, like if he verbalizes you and hurts you emotionally and spiritually, he hurts you, there's a good chance that you have reciprocated. I don't know, but maybe you've come back also in your hurt and anger and said hurtful things to him. And if that's the case, then I would apologize for those things.

In spite of the fact that you're not the one who started all of this, you know, you were the recipient of this before you began to give it back. But I would apologize for your part and I would just say, honey, I realize that I have not responded well to you when you have said certain things to me. I guess I felt so hurt, I felt so angry that I've responded in an angry and hurtful way to you.

And I know that doesn't help the situation. And I won't apologize to you for that. So anything you can see in your behavior that you realize has not been the best response, I would apologize for it. And again, your example God can use to touch his heart, because he knows there's some things that he needs to apologize for. But for whatever reason, he apparently has not done that. So one apology can also stimulate another apology.

So I would say that's a good starting place. And then again, if you know his love language, I would speak his love language on a regular basis and see if there's any change in his behavior over a period of time. But then there does come that place where you can say to him, honey, I don't know how you're feeling about this, but I really, you know, I apologize for my own failure.

I've tried to love you in a way that I think would be meaningful to you. And then just share with him your heart and how you feel and just say, I don't know, I don't know. Maybe you don't want to be married to me. That will shake him up if he's a pastor.

Maybe you don't want to be married to me. He hears you, you know, begin to broach that topic. Again, it may motivate him to begin to make some changes. So those are kind of the beginning steps that I would take. Ultimately, I guess there is a place to talk with some trusted friend that's a mutual friend between the two of you, someone that you feel is mature, and share this struggle with them, with a husband and wife, and perhaps let them approach him, and that would bring the two of you into a counseling setting. There's a place for that.

But I think I would wait until I had apologized for my part and loved him in the best way, you know, how to speak his love language for a period of time, and then take that kind of step. Well, some really hard questions here today. And our featured resource, as we've been mentioning all throughout the hour, the book by Dustin Crowe, The Grumbler's Guide to Giving Thanks, I think it'll be really helpful, as well as the other books that we've mentioned here. Go to FiveLoveLanguages.com to find out more, and call us at 1-866-424-GARY if you want to respond to something on the program today, or if you have your own relationship question.

866-424-4279. And next week, a husband and wife who will encourage us to live lives that invite others to Jesus. Don't miss the conversation in one week. A big thank you to our production team, Steve Wick and Janice Todd. Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production of Moody Radio in Chicago in association with Moody Publishers, a ministry of Moody Bible Institute. Thanks for listening.